A 252 Pound Journey to Being Free

Day 15

2012-01-29T23:31:00.000-08:00

Today was much better than yesterday. I woke myself up coughing. I was afraid I was getting sick again but as the day wore on the feeling of needing to cough lessened. I think it was all the dust and grime from helping clean out the flood mess in a friends basement.

I went to the gym, and I think I even did better there than usual. A little more time on the elliptical and all of my upper body/arm machines. Then I skipped dinner with friends in order to go grocery shopping and be more in control of my food for dinner. Speaking of which, my food was awesome today! I finished up with 7 points to spare and I am going to bed early.

I'm really nervous about having toothzilla removed on Thursday. I'm also relieved. I want it and the worry gone, but I am always afraid that something will go wrong. I'm a worrier I guess. The tooth/surgery thing is going to be riding in the forefront of my mind all week.

In any case I am really proud of my day, it feels like a really solid, confident step forward. ...I can almost hear the sound of my diet parade up ahead!

Good night guys!

Day 14

2012-01-29T00:55:00.000-08:00

I am updating from my Nook tonight so this will actually be a short post for once instead of me saying so and then writing a novel.

Food was not perfect today but no war is lost to one battle. I'm here for the long haul and I expect mistakes and plan to grow through them. I was over tired today, and gave in too easily. Just so you all know, I am already in bed. I am learning that I seriously need eight or more hours of sleep to function or be productive. On less sleep I have trouble making good choices and not giving in to emotional ones. Yes, food choices can be emotional. I learned that last time.

I only went to the gym twice last week after being sick and then hurting my ankle but I am off to a good start here already with a plan to go tomorrow in the early evening. I should be able to go every day except Thursday when I have surgery on my tooth but we will judge the days after when we get there.

Good night guys!

Day 13

2012-01-27T18:27:00.000-08:00

I am updating early tonight!

I got Florence + The Machine tickets this morning! The show is 2 days after my birthday so Chad bought me a ticket as an early gift.

Other than that it has been a really low key day. I did some much needed relaxing, and I think my ankle feels pretty okay. It hurts a little but not like it did. The gym closes and isn't open tonight so I didn't go, but it's okay. My efforts so far have rocked.

What has also been on point today has been my food. I plotted every bite and I preplanned my dinner so that I knew what I could have. I want to succeed and the food part is feeling really hard for me right now. I just need to make one good choice at a time right?

I don't know if you can tell but I am feeling very off today. I'm feeling used up.

I think I let people have whatever they want from me on a rather consistent basis. I have a really hard time saying no, particularly to my friends and family. I feel like I am being spread in a thin layer over my life. I'm working on that. It didn't effect how I ate or moved today but I feel like not recognizing how I feel could be a detriment.

I have a potluck birthday party filled with cake and yummy things to get through tomorrow, and I have to get up a few hours early to go to a friends house to help with flood clean up. I'm going to be tired, stressed and hungry, but I am going to get through it. Maybe the longer I go, the stronger I will get?

I think I am going to use the word "tenacious" to get me through this week.

Good night guys.

Day 12

2012-01-26T22:09:00.000-08:00

I'm going to try and make this quick because I am exhausted.

So exhausted that I cried on the way to the gym, but we will get to that in a minute.

I had a bunch of errands to run with a friend today. Her daughter, Loey turned 1 last week and the party is this Saturday. I am making the cake that she gets to destroy all by her lonesome. I needed some stuff for that because the messier the better! Three layers, top and bottom are rainbow, and the middle layer is chocolate with the center cut out and filled with cherry pie filling. Then I am going to ice it with white icing, spray it purple and dust it with edible pink glitter. Oh yes.

I went to Weight Watchers today! I can't tell exactly what my weight is because they printed my original sticker from 2009 by accident (and I didn't notice until I got home to enter my weight online which apparently they do automatically now...), but online they entered my weight automatically at 10lbs heavier than that. So either 417.8 or 427.8. Either way I feel pretty humbled and I have to admit to feeling some shame. You have to start somewhere right? I cant give up just because I don't like where I am right now. I am doing this to get away from where I am right now. Instead of letting this dampen my motivation I would like it to light a fire under my bottom and keep me moving!

Anyway, as to why I cried on the way to the gym. Sometimes when I am really overly tired, I also get really overly emotional. I did not want to go to the gym. Seriously. I even sent a text to my gym buddy to warn her: "The only way I am going to the gym is if you make me." She didn't want to go either, but she made me and we got through the elliptical. We went, and it feels good to have gone. I was so tired though that on the way there I cried like a giant baby. I think I have been working on less than max all week even though my sleep has been okay. I got over being sick, had a great weekend away, went to the gym, hurt my ankle etc. So I am going to bed early tonight. I need/deserve it I think.

Tomorrow we are back to counting points in earnest! Good night guys!

Day 11

2012-01-25T23:13:00.000-08:00

Alrighty well today was pretty uneventful for the most part. I tried to stay off of my foot all day. This morning the swelling was gone, but its still pretty sore. I put my brace on and went to the gym again tonight without modifying my elliptical time down. I also did legs on the circuit machines. That was all well and good until I got to the one machine I have a really hard time getting on and had to like shimmy/scoot/hop on one foot just to get on. That was painful, and stupid. I should have skipped that machine just for the time being. Sometimes I feel pressure to do everything, and I know my body well enough to know when I need to step back some. Most of my work out was fine, just the hop/scoot/shimmy was ...thoughtless!

My food was good, I had a smoothie from breakfast because I woke up feeling nauseous, but I made sure I still ate something.

Tomorrow is my first Weight Watchers meeting in over a year. I've been paying this whole time. I know that sounds silly but I knew that if I canceled my membership that I would never return. I couldn't have that. It worked for me, and I want it to work again.

So, I am off to have a nap while my food cooks and put my foot up. Good night guys.

Edit: Woot! I'm proactive! I just changed my address with Weight Watchers and printed my temporary Monthly Pass card until I get a new one.

Day 10

2012-01-24T23:13:00.000-08:00

I went back to the gym today! The only thing I modified down was my elliptical time, and not because of being sick.

You wont believe this, but today I was getting out of my car at the grocery store and my ankle started to hurt like I had just twisted it or something. I haven't tripped, fallen, stepped wrong or anything, I just have the best of luck. And tonight after walking on it all day at the grocery store it was swollen. I still went to the gym. I couldn't pass it up again. I went to CVS after and bought a nice ankle brace and I will put it up tonight.

Currently my plan is to attend a Weight Watchers meeting on Thursday at 6pm. The last meeting (the one I went to before that I had so much success with was a 50 + lbs to lose meeting in the early morning) was too far out of my schedule. Being up 4 hours before normal in order to go get weighed in was stressful.

My food was okay today too. I am finishing up my day with a Lean Cuisine meal. I know, frozen meals are not optimal. But it was this or popcorn because I was not exaggerating when I said I was exhausted. Sometimes frozen meals (the healthy ones) provide quick and easy nutrition in the right portions when I am lacking time or want to do more. Mostly I use them for lunches though. I don't feel guilty about it either. I am pretty proud of myself for eating the Lean Cuisine rather than murdering the pizza that my roommate bought.

All in all I had a pretty good day. Good night guys!

Day 9

2012-01-24T02:24:00.000-08:00

Today was a sick day, and it was well worth it! I feel better right now than I have all weekend. I still have congestion so I'm not ready to run laps but I might be ready to brave the gym tomorrow night. We will have to see right? I wanna push myself but I don't want to hurt myself.

I do feel in a hurry to get started and deeply entrenched in this business.

I have to watch those feelings though. My emotional want is that this will go quickly, but I know that it cant and I don't want to set myself up for failure with unrealistic hopes or expectations. I could lose weight quickly at first like last time and then slow down or hit a stall like I did last time too. I also don't want to think I can handle the gym and then go make myself worse, which I have also done before.

I don't want to base this journey on anything but action right now. Anything else complicates it too much. It's what I want, and so I'm going to get busy making it happen.

Day 8

2012-01-23T01:53:00.000-08:00

I am apparently so sick that I almost forgot to update this blog tonight! I don't have anything exciting to say, but I don't want to get out of the habit just because I am sick. As soon as I am better workouts will resume as normal and I will go to a Weight Watchers meeting. Before I would have worried that being sick and not going to the gym would have made people think that my heart wasn't in this, but this time I feel like what other people think doesn't matter as much as what I do. I am going to get back to it as soon as I can breathe.

Despite being sick my food was pretty good today. I had free breakfast at the hotel, Pho for lunch which I ate less than half of, and macaroni and cheese for dinner (which my friends sent over because I missed dinner with them because of being sick). So not as nutritious as it should have been, but I was good with portions and quantity.

I am taking antibiotics and Robitussin DM (cough syrup) currently. My throat doesn't hurt so much anymore but I have some chest or bronchial congestion, a wet cough and an off and on stuffy nose. When we came home from Comcon today I slept for 10 hours. I had no idea. I thought I was laying down to take a short nap before meeting friends for dinner but I guess the bottom finally dropped out! I had been going all weekend while being sick and I guess my body was letting me skate by and knew the party was finally over.

I'll be taking it easy for the next day or two and then I guess we will reevaluate.

Day 7

2012-01-21T21:31:00.000-08:00

And I think that it wasn't so much the abscess as it was that I was just plain sick. My ears hurt, my nose is trying to get stuffed up and my throat isn't letting up. I am on antibiotics so I'm okay, but I am beaten for now, no workout, though I did try to do so today. I went to dinner, and to some of the meetings and I managed to soak in my bath tub (at the hotel) for about a half an hour. The steam helped but I am completely miserable. I skipped the room parties and drinking and rowdy crowds tonight and came to my room early.

I did eat well today though. We had free breakfast in the hotel lobby, went to Wegmans for lunch, and had a catered dinner at the hotel. No take out!

I had a good time, but now I am sick and I want to go home! I get to go home tomorrow afternoon, so not long now. I haven't been sick in months. I have been being careful and taking airborne. I had a 24 hour stomach bug on Christmas Eve but those are brutal and quick. This is slow and lingering. I'm really hoping that this is as bad as its going to get because I have the antibiotics and such.

I need to pick a new meeting for Weight Watchers this week!

Goodnight guys!

Day 6

2012-01-20T23:47:00.000-08:00

I am still here! I am at Comcon and it snowing snowing snowing.

We got here pretty late and had a pretty light dinner (I later had a smart one frozen meal because I was hungry). I have a few drinks with friends in the lobby of the hotel and some of us came back to my hotel room and we talked for hours. This has been glorious for my soul.

Tomorrow is a big day, meetings, formal dinners and entertainment and more friends. I will be working out in the gym with my gym buddy and we have even attracted a crowd of other friends who want to go work out with us.

It's late and I have to be up in 5ish hours. I will be back tomorrow night!

Day 5

2012-01-19T23:57:00.000-08:00

I am kinda proud of myself today. When I got up this morning my throat hurt so much I couldn't talk, my left tonsil was swollen and *Uncle Freddy had come to visit. I didn't feel sick, but I did feel kinda weak and tired. Not feeling sick alarmed me a little that my abscess (having surgery on 2-2) might be raging again. So I called the pharmacy and had my antibiotics refilled (I figure either way, I'm good) and drank a lot of hot tea all day.

I ate sensibly, and I still went to the gym. I put on my big girl panties, picked up my gym buddies and went. My workout was lighter tonight, but it was still good. I know that I wont be able to go to the gym all of the time during *Slasher Week but when I can it feels really good.

Tomorrow begins the ComCon fun and I wont be home until Sunday night. However they have internet access there so I will be updating even if its just a line or two. I will probably not have a perfect eating weekend, I know that, but it doesn't have to be nuts either and keeping this blog updated keeps me straight.

Good night guys!

*If you are new or it has been a while: Telling people about Aunt Flo is awkward, and I love horror movies. Since my period is a lot like a horror movie (heavy, and not normal heavy either) I call it Slasher Week, and Uncle Freddy. It makes it funny and lightens the mood a bit.

Day 4

2012-01-18T21:41:00.000-08:00

Today has been trying to say the least. My husband and I stayed active all day and we will be able to get back on track sleeping wise to say the least.

This is going to be a short entry tonight guys because I don't have much to say! I spent the day out of the house running from place to place.

We did not go to the gym today, and I am choosing to think of this as positive. I have been every day this week so far (including Sunday) and I will be going again tomorrow. The only other day that might be missed is Friday because of scheduling and being out of town. I am choosing to think of this as a day of rest, which I think I needed. My whole body is sore and though if I wasn't tired tonight I would have gone anyway, I am pretty sure I needed it. So switching from negative to positive thinking. Or trying to. I need to stop getting so hung up on what I think this journey is supposed to be like. It's different for everyone and it wont even be the same as last time. The only thing I am certain of is that it's going to be hard work!

I felt stronger of will last time, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything bad. The work outs are easier for me this time than the food portion is, which is the opposite of last time. But, like last time I do expect myself to eventually come around to being comfortable with both of those parts of this thing. Going back to meetings will be pivotal I imagine.

I can do this, I just need to remember that it doesn't have to be perfect, especially not yet. I need to keep going and working on my habits and my mind set. I will find the sweet spot!!

Day 3

2012-01-17T23:54:00.000-08:00

On to honesty! My husband and I have been staying up later and later every night for weeks and recently it has been worse than ever. This morning we got up so late we decided to finally correct this issue. I am not the kind of person who can just go to bed on time and get back on track. I lay awake. Case in point: The night before last I laid in bed for 6 hours staring at the ceiling or tossing and turning. So we are going to be up for the long haul tonight.

SO we got up extremely late (think evening PM) and rushed to go do the thing we needed to do today. I did not plan well and ended up with a burger and fries for a late lunch. I should have thrown one of the Weight Watchers frozen meals I just bought into the micro before we left because thinking back, I did have some time. I don't feel shame, but a little regret. I could have done better without much effort.

That being said I went to the gym, and worked out pretty hard today. For some reason the elliptical machine felt really hard today. I still did the full workout on it though before moving to strength machines. I also raised the weight on some of those. This is the second week of being back to the gym and some of the machines were getting easy. I think I have really strong lateral muscles (or everyone does) because I have no trouble lifting triple the weight that I usually do on those machines. My arms are the weakest part of me right now, but they are getting stronger!

I am having a great dinner though, I made baked tilapia with a home made sweet chile sauce, steamed jasmine rice. I am serving that with green beans, carrots and pineapple. At some point this week I will post the recipe.

Good night!

Day 2

2012-01-17T00:55:00.000-08:00

Today was grocery day! Grocery day is an all day extravaganza. We go every Monday and I spend every Sunday night preparing my lists and my coupons. I do a lot of couponing now. It helps us get more of what we need at a price we can afford. My all time favorite benefit of couponing though is being able to shop at a local grocery store every single week...and not Wal-Mart.

This week was a little different though. Oh, it took the same amount of time and planning and yes I used a lot of coupons but I also took the time to pick out a lot more fruits and vegetables for the week than I have been. I got 5lbs of grape fruit, 4 pounds of oranges, bananas, pears, and red grapes for the week. I also have a lot of frozen fruit for smoothies, and canned fruit (in juice) for cooking and cereal. I really like canned peaches on my Wheaties, just like my grandfather did. I also bought a bag of individually frozen tilapia fillets which is exciting because we are not a big fish family. I figured it was time to try new things.

I was so tired after grocery shopping, but I was smart! I wore my gym clothes to the grocery store. As soon as the car was unloaded I went to the the gym with my gym buddy - who was still waiting for me (more love). So since last Tuesday I have been to the gym 5 times. I think I am going to go every day this week except Friday and Saturday.

This weekend I have a sort of staff getaway for a convention I have been volunteering at for many years. A lot of the people there are pretty good friends and I am really looking forward to it. My husband even took the time off so that we could go early. Now, I wont be going to the gym, but there is a workout room in the hotel so I am taking my gym clothes (and so, incidentally is my workout buddy, we have a pact.) and I am going to try and at least get in the cardio on Friday and Saturday. At least Saturday, because I don't know what Fridays schedule will be like.

Oh! Last thing, my food today? It was awesome! Good night!

Day 1 ..again.

2012-01-15T20:11:00.000-08:00

So I have a few minutes here and I wanted to get my entry in for today. I am settled down to start couponing and my husband is doing dishes (love!). When he is done I am going to wipe down the counter tops and table and maybe go over the floors after we feed the animal horde. So I want to get this done while I am thinking about it.

I woke up late today and had to rush so that I could meet my friend for the gym so I ended up not eating before I left the house. I paid for that at first at the gym, but it went away. I got 25 minutes on the elliptical (cross trainer) done and all of my arm strength machines done. I do my arms and legs/core on alternating days so that when I finally make it back up to an hour on the elliptical I will always have something to do between 30 minute segments.

While I was at the gym I was thinking about how stupid I was to have not eaten breakfast before I came out and it hit me. It was a clean slate. Today is Sunday and I could choose to be more aware of my food choices than I have been. When I left the gym and went back to my friends house where other friends were preparing dinner my husband was waiting for me with a small salad. It was just spinach and other veggies with a splash of cheese but it tasted awesome. For dinner I had very small portions, not just because I wanted to but because there were so many people eating. I had half a cup (I didn't measure but Chad made my plate) of rice, a quarter cup of curry and a small piece of tilapia. I was proud of myself but I recognized that I would need to eat again this evening. It wasn't enough food and I would be awake and active for at least 10 more hours! So for actual dinner I had a bowl of vegetable soup with half a serving of crackers. The only thing I can think of today that I maybe should not have had was 3 cookies. I have to admit, I don't feel too guilty about that. I'm going to have some light popcorn too.

When I was talking about shame, I didn't mean to imply that I should have any. I just mean that I do, and I need to let it go. I need to recognize that every single step of this doesn't have to be perfect. Kind of like my having some cookies tonight. Before I would have felt wracked with guilt and all I would be thinking about would be weight gain and how stupid I was for losing control. If weight loss was taking its time I would feel shamed about that too and I kind of want to get past all of that. I don't want a bad day or a few bad days even to shame me into giving up over and over. I want to train myself to roll with the punches so to speak.

In any case, I feel like I am off to a pretty good start. Have a good night guys!

This past year and today.

2012-01-15T02:01:00.000-08:00

Despite gaining all of my weight back I can not say it was a completely bad year. Or even a mostly bad one. I am going to quickly bring you guys up to date, and then we can continue from there. Please have patience, this could get pretty lengthy.

My best friend had her baby in January (The pregnancy for which was one of the things that spiraled me into depression pretty big time. That is a story for another day though, I'm in a bit of a different mindset these days and I love my niece Loey very very much.), and my husband and I finally bought a car! A brand new 2011 Kia Forte 5-door...which was totaled in June. A teenage girl ran a stop sign and I hit her pretty hard. Hard enough to fold her drivers side tire under her car (no one was hurt, but it was scary). She was found to be at fault less than 24 hours later and now we have another 2011 Kia Forte 5-door. We really love our car.

I took a really big step for me around late May. I called a dentist and began to have my teeth fixed. My teeth have always been a pretty big self esteem drain. I have never had straight teeth, and as a child I had a lot of work done. When I was 23 I was eating lunch at work and my front tooth basically crumbled into my hand. I have been terrified of dentists for so long that it took me until last year to call! I had a lot of work done, including surgery to remove one of my wisdom teeth, and the fixing of that front tooth. Currently I have an appointment for another surgery on the 2nd to remove an abscessed tooth. I want to keep it but the specialist I saw said he could not guarantee that he could redo the really complicated root canal I had when I was a teenager and that just trying would cost me close to $900. If he failed there would be a second surgery costing me another $500 and none of this includes the crown or guarantees that the tooth wouldn't abscess again in a year or two. So, I am letting it go. It is the first tooth (other than a wisdom tooth) I have ever had pulled and because of how complicated it is I have to see the surgeon again. After that though my teeth should be healthy unless the rest of my wisdom teeth move!

I also had my 6 month cleaning a few days ago and not only do I not have any cavities, but my teeth are in better condition than they were the last time she saw me. For the first time in my life, I love my smile. It has character, and its me.

I lost two of my cats this year. One, Annie was pretty bad off for most of the time we had her. We had nursed her back from the brink more than once before. It was hard to see her go, but we knew it was coming. Then in November Artie fell ill very suddenly. The vet said it was kidney failure. I was away and did not make it home before he died which pretty much wrecked me. He was less than 4 years old and such a silly, vibrant cat. The kind of personality you know is special. I'm tearing up now actually. Sometimes I feel silly because the animals we have are so important to me, but they just are. I love them.

Brightest spot of 2011? My husband. No shock there. He is steady and calm in my ocean of squalling winds and rocky bluffs on the edge of nowhere. I could tell you I love him, but that doesn't even begin to cover or describe the kaleidoscope of feelings I have for him. Love is just the blanket you pull over all of the words. He catches all of my spills and I can only hope that I am half as wonderful to him.

All through out this year I made half hearted attempts and promises to myself to start again. I think that one of the worst things for my journey was moving back home. I don't regret helping my mom, but the environment here is much less conducive to lifestyle change and can keep me stressed pretty tremendously at times (another blog, another day). Not that those are excuses, but I should recognize my weaknesses and learn how to work around them or cope with them.

A friend of mine has been trying to get me to go to the gym pretty regularly with her all year and I have to say, I have been a pretty big flake. She never gave up on me though and for some reason recently it just "clicked" again. Finally, like I needed to wait for those moons and stars to line up again before I could see the light or something. Of course I didn't need to wait so long, but one thing I learned from last time is that until you are ready to commit, you wont. Period. It is a choice. I have to make it every day.

I think I just felt so good after the 3rd day in a row of the gym that I knew that I had been missing something. Losing weight is great, but feeling good about yourself, feeling proactive in your life and about your choices is amazing. My whole body hurt but I felt really right and in tune for the first time in over a year. Call it what you will, fate/God/intuition/self preservation/endorphins, but it was there.

So now I have a gym buddy who is mostly available on my schedule and who is pretty open and honest about her need for motivation. We kinda match. Oh! I switched gyms. I am now going to Planet Fitness. They are less than 10 minutes drive from my house (a block from my gym buddy) and they are open 24 hours a day for most of the week. So that cuts a bunch of my excuses out. I don't have to go far and I can go on my time. They are also a lot cheaper with a lot more equipment. They don't have a pool, but I didn't use the one at the YMCA enough to justify the cost.

Another change I am making is that weekends are no longer off limits to the gym. I will go every day that I can so that when I DO miss a day it wont be as big of a deal.

I have made this entirely too long, but I have so much to say! I want to get back in the habit of daily posting because its good for me and helps keep me accountable.

I think tomorrow I want to talk about shame and the actual number I weigh now. I'm not hiding it, I just don't know it. I haven't weighed myself in months. ..because my scale wouldn't weigh me the last time I got on it...which means I am back to at least 401lbs. This is why I want to talk about shame. I'm going to weigh myself this week. I will be fine at WW after next weekend because they have a larger scale, but I need to put on my big girl panties and look at the number myself.

So here I go.

I can't stop trying just because I've failed.

2012-01-13T16:22:00.000-08:00

I'm not making resolutions. They are too freaking easy to break, and I need something that lasts longer than a fad.

So I have gone back to the gym, and I think I am going to keep going back. It's harder this time in a different way. I weigh the same or more than I did last time, but I'm still in a lot better shape this time. How is that even possible? The last time I was at this weight I couldn't do the tread mill for more than 10 minutes on the lowest settings without needing to stop, no exaggeration. Now I am still doing the elliptical for 30 minutes or more. I'm wondering if its giving me the same work out it did before. I am also back to strength training. My muscles hurt, but its nice to feel that way again.

My food is still crap. But I am working that out too. I need to be eating more fruits and veggies again but I have been so lazy! I don't know where this streak the last few months came from but good lord! So I have been writing down all of my thoughts and my plans. I am going back to Weight Watchers the week after Comcon (after next weekend). I will be using their system (meetings and online service) to track my progress again. I will also being using Sparkpeople as a resource this time too.

I am also going to teach myself some stretches (already started) which I did not do last time, AND (this kind of makes me excited) I am going to learn some yoga for fat people. I feel silly saying it like that, but it is what it is. I am fat, and while I don't want to stay that way I am not ashamed of myself. I don't know the right word for how I feel about my failure this last time. I seriously felt like the moon, stars, planets/whatever lined up to help me make that happen. Failing was hard. Harder than all the work I put into losing so much weight in the first place. Maybe I should try and remember that.

I'm not sure what to do about the emotional stuff. I will deal with what I can. I wouldn't mind seeing someone, but I can not afford it right now (or it seems ever, but I know that things can change and this will be a good year for us if we can just get through the property taxes). So right now, I am going to leave this topic laying where it is. I can't help but talk about it, because it's all intertwined into how I feel from day to day or how I handle things, but until something changes I am working with what I have.

One thing I took away from the last time was the experience of myself. I learned a lot about myself. Combined with the past two years, I know more about who I am and who I don't want to be than I ever have before.

So, one foot in front of the other. Life doesn't start over, it just continues.

Day 367

2010-09-11T23:14:00.001-07:00

This is going to be short because I need to go to bed!

Today was great, dinner with the girls was also quite nice.

Tomorrow is my weigh in and my fear is that I am going to gain some or maintain. Its my fear because I ate that burrito this week, and because I lost so much weight last week. I was good last week but I was also really sick and dehydrated. I'm hopeful, and I'm going, but I'm nervous. I don't want to let myself become discouraged. I wont let myself become discouraged. I can do this no matter what tomorrow holds I am back. Heck, as long as I have been here at this (a year) I am still learning and growing (In a good way!).

Today:
1/2 subway sub w cheese and mayo: 7
1 serving dark chocolate: 4
1 slice of pickle: 0
1 serving rice crisps: 3
chocolate chips (I had a moment): 4
2 serving spinach: 0
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 serving carrots: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
2 slices cucumber: 0
1 sliced jalapeno: 0
1/2 serving beets: 1
2oz (less) lean steak: 3
2 servings light ranch: 4
1 serving gluten free mac and cheese: 8
1 serving low fat rice crispy treat (I avoided the absolutely decadent gluten free chocolate cake I made for a friend by making these!): 3
bites licks and tastes: ?
37/38

All in all it was a good food day. On days when I am cooking a lot of new things I am inevitably tasting. This isn't an issue so much with low fat or fat free recipes, but for other things it can be. I didn't go overboard or anything. I wasn't taking bites when people weren't looking but I was tasting as I went. I think the system I am going to keep from now on is for every 3 blt's (bites, licks, tastes) I am going to count a point. Lesson learned.

Day 366

2010-09-10T21:24:00.000-07:00

Today was about resting for me. I have worked out 4 times this week, which isn't bad since I'm trying to get back into the habit. My body however is really really sore. So I'm giving it a day. Tomorrow I'm going to hit the track. I want to give the strength training until Sunday or Monday before I push it again.

So today was boring except that I again kept to my points. I know that shouldn't be a big deal since it is the core of my plan but it really is a big deal for me. So, its a short update for today. Tomorrow I have some errands to run, and the track to do. I am making a gluten free macaroni and cheese and a green salad for dinner with the girls tomorrow night. Should be fun!

Today:
2 waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
3 servings light fruit cocktail: 4
1 can beef vegetable soup: 5
1 serving rice crisps: 3
1 chunk blue berry muffin: 2
1 sand thin: 1
1 serving tomato: 0
1 laughing cow light cheese wedge: 1
1 serving rice crisps: 3
1 serving Asian glazed drum sticks: 3
1/2 cup brown rice: 2
1 cup sugar snap peas: 1
29/38

I'll probably have some popcorn before bed!

Day 365

2010-09-09T23:05:00.000-07:00

I have been blogging for a year! I know, I missed a few days here and there, but I am incredibly proud of my little corner of the world here and really blessed to have been able to share it with all of you. I want to cover the past year, but I want to do it on Sunday after my final weigh in for the year. good or bad on Sunday I know I kicked butt this year. 98 lbs is nothing to sneeze at and something I never ever thought that I would be able to do. In doing it I have found that I am capable of so much more. So Sunday!

Today was epic, in a workout way. I went to my gym and did my full circuit, plus 40 minutes on the elliptical. I am trying to up my time a little every time I go to the gym to get my time back to where it was before I lost my stride. Then, after the gym (a few hours later) I went with a friend to her gym, which is open all night (which is super cool). We did a 30 minute workout that included step cardio and strength. It was really great, I didn't think it would be a work out but it really was! I also did 5 minutes on a different kind of elliptical. I wanted to try it out because I have come to love my gyms elliptical so much. It was good, a little harder, but I think that was because it was a different motion than the ones I use normally.

My arms are still really sore, and my legs are a touch sore too. I did some leg lifts yesterday and I think I finally managed to do the the right way...hence the pain. I'm going to go take a long shower, put on some jammies and go to bed!

All in all it was a really great day for the diet parade.

Today:
1 ww lf waffle: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving strawberries: 1
1 serving rice crisps: 3
1 larabar: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 baked potato with cheese: 7
1 small chili: 4
22/38

I'm not too worried about not finishing my points as I went over them yesterday.

Day 364

2010-09-08T23:34:00.000-07:00

This morning my husband moved some of the last of our stuff from the old house over here to where we are now. Essentially he filled our living space with boxes and bags of unsorted "stuff". So that is how I spent my day. Sorting things we want from junk and trash. My mom went to the gym without me (not entirely her fault, I was very unready by the time she got there). I did not fret too much though. I did some exercise videos, some crunches and some leg lifts. I also did some jumping jacks which hurt my already sore arms (from weight lifting yesterday). I am actually shocked that I am currently capable of jumping jacks. In any case by the time I was done exercising I was tired and my arms and legs were tired, so I guess it was good? I need a more focused work out for days when I don't get to the gym so that I have some measure of what I've done. Know what I mean?

My food was pretty good today. I ended up eating out for dinner tonight, and didn't make a great choice. I don't want to kick myself too hard though, I have the extra points and if I start to get too down I'll turn it into a cycle. I'm done with cycles!

Today:
1/2 cup rice: 2
1/2 cup peas: 2
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken: 5
1 serving rice crisps: 3
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving chicken salad: 2
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving honey mustard: 1
3/4 cup rice: 3
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving sauce: 3
1/2 cup peas: 2
1 burrito: 19
38/38 + 5/35

I have weight training tomorrow at my gym and I have been invited to work out with a friend at her gym (late night). I think I am going to do both. Not to punish myself, but because I can, and so I should. Our car situation is becoming dire and so I need to take every advantage I get right?

Day 363

2010-09-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

I had so many ideas for posts here today! I think I need to start writing them down for when all I have to talk about is my food and exercise.

I wanted to talk about Garrett from StagesofChange, but so many of you already have, and I don't want to rewound anyone. I'll keep it short. I missed the news of his death because of my absence. It made me cry. For him, and honestly, for myself. He was inspirational because of the daunting task ahead of him that he chose to acknowledge. Despite the ups, and downs that we all have he was trying to take control of his own war. I do not know how he died, and I wont make any guesses, but it does bring back that fear I wrote about a little under a year ago. It has been on my mind for a day or so now and I want to say that regardless of success in numbers I think this journey changes us. It makes us aware of our weaknesses and it makes us stronger for them. The end result isn't the only reward. I think we spend a lot of time thinking about what happens "when we lose this weight" but the path we take to get there is just as important. Even in death he inspired me. I hope that isn't too dramatic.

I went to the gym today! I wasn't able to do the whole hour on the elliptical I usually do, but I did 30 minutes, and I completed my weight circuit. My arms are going to be sore tomorrow. I had an interesting run in tonight at the gym with a woman I have never met before. I was signing into a weight machine and this very nice lady tapped me on the shoulder. She hadn't yet wiped the machine down and wanted to before I got onto it. She then asked me how I was doing and told me that she doesn't normally come to the gym, but that her husband had told her about me. I told her I hadn't been in a while. I didn't want to be like who is your husband because I'm shy and I didn't want to offend her. She realized in a moment anyway. She asked me how much I had lost (which I thought was kind of blunt but I want to be open about it so I told her) and then proceeded to tell me that she was frustrated that it was taking so long to come off (to be fair: she thought she was commiserating) and that she had lost 63lbs since her surgery in May, and where did I have mine done? I told her that I didn't have surgery, that I went to WW for the first time back in September of 2009. It got kind of uncomfortable after that, not in a bad way, but I think she might have thought that I didn't approve or something. It's a very personal choice and I know that it isn't any of my business. I shared with her the fact that my aunt is about to have it done (she is nearing 60 and can hardly walk) and that I think 63lbs is great. I also told her not to stress over it because slower can actually really be better.

This was an interesting run in for me because it was not the first time that someone meeting me assumed (without asking) that I had WLS to lose weight. I don't think that there is anything inherently wrong with WLS but I know that I can do this without it. I know that I need to do this without it. I want to struggle to get there so that I remember that when I am putting food in my mouth. I want to learn the skills to keep the weight off once I'm at a healthy weight.

My new shoes help up wonderfully to the gym today! I also learned that my gym is going to have Zumba classes too, and for much cheaper than the place I was looking at before. I'm just so nervous! I'm afraid I wont be able to move the right way.

Food was good again today:
1 serving cheesy orzo: 4
1 serving taco soup: 3
1/2 serving chicken salad: 2
1 arnold sandwich thin: 1
2 slices tomato: 0
1 banana: 2
1 serving sweet chili rice crisps: 3
1 serving cheesy orzo: 4
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 yogurt: 2
1/2 cup brown rice: 2
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken: 5
1/2 cup peas: 2
33/38

Going to have some popcorn in a bit which will finish out the last of my daily points. I'm really proud of how the week is going so far!

Day 362

2010-09-06T21:33:00.000-07:00

The gym was closed today, and I was baby sitting for a friend while she and her husband took their two older kids to the state fair, so it was alright. I did go out tonight after my husband took the baby home though. It was too late for the track but I managed a brisk walk for about 45 minutes. It isn't much, but it's in the right direction. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have done much better at the gym. New shoes, new blisters. Ow, ow ow! I didn't have them from walking in them until tonight. I thought I had broken them in, but I guess when I really started moving they started breaking me in. So, since I'll be wearing said shoes to whatever workout I manage (the gym, the gym!) tomorrow I was wondering if anyone out there had a really great way to get rid of blisters (they are already broken) or cover them so that they wont be painful? In the past I have tried band aids without much success.

My food was really great today, I'm pretty proud of that.

Today:
1 can chunky tomato soup: 5
1 sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving homemade chicken salad: 4
2 slices tomato: 0
1 sandwich thin: 1
1 serving sweet chili rice crisps: 3
1 serving baked chicken breast (marinated in honey mustard, curry powder, fresh basil and ginger with just a little sriracha): 4
1 serving cheesy orzo: 4
1 cup steamed carrots: 0
26/38

Day 361

2010-09-05T18:20:00.000-07:00

Alrighty, so the bright side of being barely able to eat all week? I now get full easier and I had a really good weigh in. I lost 9.6lbs this week (and I am sure that some of it is water being that I was/am probably a bit dehydrated) bringing my total loss to 98lbs and my current weight to 319.8.

I go back to the gym tomorrow (and at least Wednesday and Friday) to hopefully lose just two more by next Sunday.

So my throat is mostly healed. It gets a little sore right after I eat and in the morning it was not great, but for what its worth the only symptom I have left is tiredness. I think getting moving (but taking it a little easy at first) is probably the cure.

Today:
1 baked potato w/cheese: 7
1/2 small chili: 2
1 hot dog w bun: 6
3 oz chicken breast: 3
2 oz (or less) lean steak: 3
1/2 cup grapes: 0
1 cup broccoli: 0
2 slices pineapple: 0
1 cup baby carrots: 0
1/2 cup fruit salad: 2
2 tbsp dip: 2
1/2 bag popcorn: 3
1 tbsp spicy olive oil: 3
2 servings broccoli slaw: 1
1 serving enchilada filling: 4
1 wedge laughing cow cheese: 1
37/38

I bought some champagne grapes today at the produce stand. I think for dinner I am going to make some quick chicken salad and add the grapes in. Hmm... I think I did well at the cook out though. I sampled some of the meat, and I did eat a whole hot dog, but I didn't eat any dessert and my second plate was entirely fruit. You know what? I didn't miss anything. I feel so much better for having stuck to it.

On the road again...

edit: Scratch that. Chicken salad is a great idea for lunch tomorrow. Tonight I had some broccoli slaw sauted in some spicy olive oil with a serving of the leftover enchilada filling and a wedge of laughing cow cheese. Yes.

Day 360

2010-09-04T19:58:00.000-07:00

I'm there!

I still have a sore throat (and after pushing myself to go out today my glands and ears were hurting again, but a little tylenol was enough) but I feel pretty good. Swallowing is also still not great, but it is definitely getting better.

I will be going to the gym Monday, if they are open. If not I'll head out to the track. Just to get moving!

Tomorrow I have grocery shopping and a family get-together. I can handle both of those!

Today:
1 grilled chicken sand: 5
w honey bbq: 2
1 cup fruit: 2
1 cup fat free frozen yogurt (plus one for the extra serving since a serving is 1/2 cup): 5
1 cup mac and cheese: 6
1/2 serving taco soup: 2 (whole serving is 3)
22/38

Day 359

2010-09-03T16:20:00.001-07:00

I am so very definitely almost there. Almost all of my symptoms are gone, except being exhausted, my ears hurting and everything I swallow tasting like lava. Even that is getting better though. My tonsils have begin to shed the damaged tissue, which is weird. I think that when this is over they are going to be sore for a while. I still can not swallow very well. Today I have eaten 1 serving taco soup (chicken breast, beans, veggies for 3 points) and 1 corn muffin (2) with 1/2 a serving of cheese (1). I feel as though I am well enough to eat food I have to chew now...though not much of it because it still hurts like the dickens. I am feeling better every day and I hope that tomorrow brings me back to some sort of normal. My husband got some free tickets to an antique convention in the city and I'd do anything to get out of the house.

This has not been as wasted week. I did go back to my meeting on Sunday, and I am going back this Sunday too (I'm not contagious even if I still feel bad. I've been on antibiotics since Tuesday.). I've been blogging every single day, and I managed to get shoes that wont hurt my feet after I break them in.

In a way I guess I needed this. Patience is not a virtue I command on a regular basis. I think God/life/the universe is trying to teach me that good things come to those who want them bad enough to take their time and do it right.

Day 358

2010-09-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

I think that most of the worst stuff might be over. I had a bit of a fever last night, but it was nothing like when it got up to 103.1. The worse of everything right now is that my throat is so tight and swollen and sore. It hurts from my glands to my ears, and the more I flinch from swallowing the more likely I am to experience a head ache.

I have been eating soft foods (almost no veg, though) and last night my husband brought me a frosty. It made my throat feel better for a time. It's been really frustrating. No one can understand me when I try to talk and the pain is just...ongoing. I feel really frazzled and cabin feverish.

I'm resting, watching The Ghost Whisperer (which makes me cry every single time), drinking lots of tea, gargling salt water and over dosing on throat drops. I'm also taking my penicillin and otc pain meds. I tried a chloraseptic but it just makes my throat burn. No, no no!

The icing on the cake? Slasher week just started!

Actually I am in a good mood, despite the sarcasm. I can not wait to get moving again. I feel like my bones are positively aching for the gym, or any activity at all. I want to be able to chew and swallow real vegetables without feeling like I'm swallowing sand paper. I want to eat anything but mashed potatoes (we are really broke (I bought shoes) until Friday and my brother works at a restaurant that makes really good mashed potatoes. They make soup too, but it has chunks, which are a giant NO for me at the moment.)!

So yes, if anything, I am frustrated. I'll live though!

Edit:
Today: Soup: 6 (I managed to eat the noodles!)

For dinner (and this is tentative since being able to swallow (ish) now doesnt mean I'll be able to swallow later) is going to be taco soup (3 points) and a fat free corn bread muffin (2 points).

Day 357

2010-09-01T14:06:00.000-07:00

Same boat as yesterday. My fever made it up to 103.1 last night before I started combining motrin with the tylenol I had already been taking which had not been working. The combination did work.

I had a bit of a fever this morning and swallowing was super horrible. Yesterday for dinner I had mashed potatoes, and I'm pretty sure that's all I'm going to be eating today. My throat is so swollen and tight and sore. When I talk my words do not sound english...

I will update if anything changes!

Day 356

2010-08-31T11:39:00.000-07:00

Alright so since we were off to such a great start yesterday I have to tell you a story. A story that really accentuates the feeling of one more thing.

Last night my throat was a little sore, but I assumed it was because I was in the car with the air blowing in my face for a while. This morning I woke up unable to swallow without lots of pain. So, being responsible (and having had strep chronically as a child) I called my doctor who saw me about an hour ago. My rapid strep test came back very quickly as positive, and so far I only have a light fever. She asked how I knew it was strep. Ha! I have done this so very many times. So now I have a script for penicillin, I have Tylenol, chloraseptic, and throat drops. Oh, and orders to gargle 3 times a day with salt water. I would say I'll still be counting points, but I really doubt that I'm going to be able to eat today. So, hows that for one more thing? I also have chills and a slight head ache.

I'm not trying to be a downer, in fact I am trying to have humor about it, but honestly this is really really frustrating.

I will edit this to add anything I eat today...kind of like tracking live.

Today:
1 serving creamy chicken and potatoes: 6
1 serving lemon pudding: 4

Day 355

2010-08-31T00:26:00.000-07:00

So remember when a long time ago I said I needed new shoes? I never got around to doing that. I have guilt issues when it comes to spending money and kept putting it off despite the fact that my shoes were killing my feet.

Well today I went to pull them out of the shoe bin (where we put all of our shoes when we take them off) and found that my brothers dog had torn them into enough pieces that I'd have needed duct tape to put them back together. I have to admit, it felt like one more thing. I cried actually with the dog sitting there looking at me like I was nuts and why are you holding my chew toy? Then my husband surprised me with coming home early and took me a a shoe discount store.

I have to say, I was at the same store last year in March, right before my trip to New Orleans. Nothing fit. I hate shopping for shoes because the only things that look good come in either black or white and only in mens sizes. I can find my size quite easily online (11 wide), but then I don't get to try them on, and then the guilt sets in and I never do it. Today though, at the same store I was able to fit the regular size 11's! Yay for weight loss! I actually found 2 pairs of shoes that are not only comfortable, but look good on my feet! The shoes were buy one, get one half off so Chad convinced me that I needed to do it because I would never get another pair on my own otherwise. I got a pair of reeboks and a pair of asics (which I never ever thought I'd be able to wear because they don't come in wide ever!

So by the time we were done the gym was closed, but I wasn't completely off my goals. I took a ride on my moms mountain bike. I still haven't gotten one of my own, but now I'm kind of afraid. I can ride just fine, but her bike was not handling my weight well. Either way it was more of a workout than I expected! Tomorrow, with brand new not clawed or chewed shoes I will be going to the gym. I also found a Zumba place I might be able to commit to going to. It's less than ten minutes from my house with no contract to sign. You pay per class, 5 bucks.

Today:
2 waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1/2 cup peas: 2
1 serving leftover casserole: 6
2 bites ice cream: 2
1/2 bag popcorn: 2
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 sand thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 baked potato: 5
w cheese: 1
1 small chili: 4
1 serving enchiladas: 8
w low fat spicy mayo: 2
w cheese: 2
38/38 + 6/35

Really need to work on my vegetables again, and getting it back under 38 points a day. I need to lose, not maintain!

Day 354

2010-08-29T19:44:00.000-07:00

So I bit the bullet and went back to my meetings today. I have in the last month and a half done 7lbs worth of damage.

I knew I was going to gain and it stung a little, but being honest with myself and facing it is going to help.

I'm also going back to the gym tomorrow. Yeah I have said this before, and whats worse? Meant it every time. That is the slippery slope. Honestly though? I'm tired of sitting here wondering about that something I've stopped working so hard for. It was worth working hard for then and I want it even more now that I've come this far.

I'm back. If I have to struggle I will. I have to get there.

Today:
1/2 subway sub: 7
1 serving sun chips: 3
1/4 cup peas: 1
1 serving chicken w sauce (homemade): 6
2 serving green beans: 1
1 serving creamy ranch chicken and potatoes: 6
1 serving whole wheat pasta: 3
27/38

Day 340

2010-08-15T00:08:00.000-07:00

I did not update last night because our internet, cable and telephone were turned off because my brother hadn't paid the bill...in 3 or 4 months. So once I finally had it straightened out it was 6 in the morning and I was tired, and still sick. Sorry about that, I have been trying to be more committed here because it helps me.

Let's talk about sick. I guess that I am, but I have a really hard time with it. I'm finding myself frustrated by the barriers that I'm facing. I feel like every time I get my mind in gear, my body decides not now. I'm pretty sure now that I have the stomach flu as I have another friend who is experiencing the same symptoms. I feel fine when I'm not having stomach pain and diarrhea, which comes and goes quite frequently.

I think I will be fine though, and I have been determined to stay on plan. So far so good. One of the things I have been doing is keeping a good amount of fresh fruit in the house. That way when I need to grab something I go for that first.

So honestly I'm not quitting, I will be fine and I wont stop blogging. I'm just really frustrated at myself and the circumstances.

I did not track today (and have been being too lax with that), which I know is bad, but I have eaten on plan. I've been kinda vegetating all day (except for a short trip to fat free frozen yogurt) and drinking a lot of fluids and diet ginger ale. Tomorrow is another weigh in I'm not sure I'm going to. If I go, I will probably have gained weight. Not much, like I said before I gained a few lbs over Otakon week, but since then I have been maintaining...not losing. And now the stomach thing. I can not possibly communicate my frustration here in words. We haven't talked about shame in a while. It's intrinsically connected to weight for some of us, for me too. I feel like "Oh my GOD it's been a whole month and what do I have to show for it? Negative nothing." I feel like a failure. Again.

But I'm not, and I know that. It doesn't help our feelings though does it? I can do this, and it is about choices. I can not choose to not be sick, but I can choose whether or not I track. I can choose whether or not to go to the gym when I am feeling better, or to take a walk or walk my dogs. I can choose to choose to struggle correctly. Instead of always struggling downward, I can struggle in the direction of my goal. I am so tired of waiting for my mind to get into sync with my butt here! It doesn't work that way! I am getting out of this prison come hell or high water and nothing is going to stop me.

Not even me.

Day 338

2010-08-13T10:24:00.000-07:00

Sorry this is late!

I have been experiencing something that I usually only get once a month with the slasher for quite a while now. I am either sick with the stomach flu (can you have the stomach flu without a fever or vomiting?), hormone level issues, stress, or my body is still adjusting to eating good foods again. Either way it has meant that I have not been able to stray far from the bathroom. Not pleasant. Though I suppose that if my body is adjusting back or detoxing or something that might be good?

Today:
3/4 cup of rice: 3
w sauce: 3
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving tomato: 0
1 avocado: 6 (I wanted it!)
1 serving light ranch dressing: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
tortilla strips: 2
2 servings wheat pasta: 8
1 serving sauce: 1
1 plum (less than one point!): 1
1 lara bar: 2
1 serving bubble up enchilada casserole: 6
1 ear of corn: 1
1 serving light sour cream: 1
1/2 serving light margarine: 1
1 piece of chocolate: 2
38/38 + 3/22

Day 337

2010-08-11T21:32:00.000-07:00

Still here, still going on.

I haven't made it back to the gym yet, despite wanting to. I feel like I am stuck and I don't quite know how to get moving again. I'm not gaining, so don't panic. I'm still on plan. I'm just not doing as well as before and I'm not losing.

I have an appointment to see my obgyn this month and 2 more to recheck my triglycerides. I feel like I'm coming to a cross roads here. I need one more year on birth control. I need it. Emotionally I cant handle this battle and the one that drives me to have kids at the same time. Now this will only be the end of my first year ever (in my life) on birth control, but now I'm wondering if it isn't what is elevating my triglycerides (research).

I'm also dealing with (still) the emotional fallout (all of my own doing) from everyone around me having babies or getting pregnant. It is way to easy to forget that it could happen, and that I am actively preventing now in order to make it more likely later. Its easy to trip and fall into that dark hole. I find myself needing to pull away socially in certain situations. I know, I know. I need to get up and stop crying and run towards my dreams and goals instead of whining about it and letting it get away from me.

What am I doing? I can not tell you how many times in the last few weeks this has been the thought in the front of my mind. I need to kick my own but into gym gear. Into commitment gear. I haven't given up, but dang have I ever let some of the direction go. Here I am looking in the mirror again, but now things have changed and the picture is feeling kind of fuzzy.

I've said it a million times, but don't give up on me. I am determined to lose the rest of my weight, and my burden. I'm not taking my time on purpose. I think that its just life.

Today:
1 homemade burger w cheese no bun: 6
sauted onions and peppers: 1
1 waffle: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 1/2 servings cheddar rice crisps: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 banana: 2
1 cup watermelon: 1
1 cup rice: 4
1 serving sauted green beans with peppers and onions: 1
1 serving crock pot cantonese pork: 7
1/2 serving dinner (pork, greenbeans, and rice): 7
38/38 + 1/23 (used some this week)

Day 333, 334

2010-08-08T18:51:00.000-07:00

Day 333 was the family reunion. I did well. I wasn't able to track that day, but I watched what I ate. We were there for lunch and dinner, and the single healthy option available was a veggie tray. Carrots, broccoli and cauliflower. I did alright though. I kept my portions small and I only ate twice. A few hours apart.

Today there was no meeting for me. No because I don't want to know what I weigh, but because I had to be somewhere at 10am, and I have been going all day until now. I had planned to miss this one. I am going to my meeting next week though. Hopefully this past week will be the last of the super busy weeks for a while. I am also returning to the gym this week! It is time.

In any case I haven't gotten more than 7 hours of sleep total in the past 2 days and I'm not up to a long post. My eyes are burning.

Today:
1/2 subway sandwich: 7
1 serving sunchips: 3
3 meatballs: 5
tastes of food (literally tastes) at a Tastefully Simple party: 5
dinner out with Chad (to the best of my knowledge using WW online and calorie king): 15
35/38

Now that being on plan is getting easier I am going back to basics again. I find that the simplicity and repetitive nature of WW really helps refocus my motivation.

Wish me luck. I'm getting back, just a little slowly. I need it to be right and I need it to be long term, not perfect.

Day 332

2010-08-06T00:18:00.000-07:00

This is going to be short tonight because I am incredibly tired. I'm trying to readjust back to my old sleeping schedule because while I was working I was working a completely different one. So now I feel like if I closed my eyes I'd drop.

I was pretty good today. I did some walking, and stayed on plan all day again. I was out for the bulk of the day with friends, so lunch and dinner we had out as well. I chose salad! This was hard for me. I actually walked the entire food court at the mall like four times before I made my decision. I was fighting with myself. I was hungry. There was so much temptation. I took my butt back to the salad, soup, and wrap place and got some soup and a (huge, huge, huge) salad. Then for dinner I chose salad again... I only ate 3 times today but I was preoccupied with having a good time so I didn't need the snacks to keep me from binging. I also think I got all of my veggies in too.

Today:
1 serving white chicken chili: 9
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving spicy green beans: 1
1 very large salad for lunch w/ light ranch dressing and grilled chicken: 8
1 cup vegetable soup: 5
1 very large bbq salad: 10
1 piece corn bread: 3
2 pieces chocolate: 2
38/38 + 2/35

Sometimes I think a little mess up can make us incredibly humble.

Day 331

2010-08-04T22:10:00.000-07:00

Today was actually quite a good day. I ate on plan all day for the first time in almost 2 weeks. Its a good step in the right direction. Slasher week started Monday, but other than that things are on track. I am feeling a lot better about everything.

I have a family reunion to go to on Saturday. The first one in years for my family. Since my grandfather died I have been feeling very strongly about family. I remember being 17 and feeling like such an outsider. I was the fattest person in my family, and the youngest granddaughter. I felt uncomfortable and ashamed and alone. Today I am looking forward to this reunion. It is the last big thing for this summer, and the first time I have seen many people in my family in over 10 years. In the past 331 days I have committed to saving my own life. I have lost an amazing amount of clothing sizes. I have jogged. I have lost almost 100 pounds. I have also struggled, been setback, gained, lost again, and found new life within myself.

In the past 331 days I lost one of the most influential and important people I have ever loved. I compare myself to my grandfather quite proudly. He was strong, intelligent, and determined. He always thought I was too. I want to live up to that. In the next 331 days I will. I am finding myself looking forward to something that would have scared me in the past, and I am going to win over the food battle that there will definitely be fought there. I said I still had all of the same motivation right? Well then, lets get back to it. I can, and will win this war. I'm dealing with my life and other peoples lives and my feelings and making it work. I know, everyone deals with their lives while also trying to lose weight. This is a personal account though, and I suppose on some level it wouldn't be complete without that part, and I would be lying if I said life was peachy right now.

I know this entry is all over the place! I'm just getting my thoughts out there. I'm trying to hang in there and get back to trotting along where I am supposed to be at the same time.

Getting back on the wagon, again.

Today:
1 coffee w ff cream: 3
1 banana: 2
1 can soup: 3
3 slices cheese: 3
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
2 servings mixed fruit: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving white chicken chili: 9
1 serving doritos: 5
31/38

Day 330

2010-08-03T17:35:00.000-07:00

So I know I have been gone long enough to scare some of you, but I have never meant to be away so long. Was I struggling this entire time? Oh yeah, right up until today in fact. However the week that I made that last post was the beginning of a very busy time for me. I know I spoke about Otakon to you guys before and how I run the Art Show there once a year. I've told you all how hard the work there was. Well, this year it wasn't as hard, but I pushed myself harder because of it. My feet were already hurting so badly by Friday night that I could not walk without shoes on! I got there on Wednesday afternoon and left for home on Monday afternoon, and I am finally feeling better today. I am crazy excited that I was able to run around so much more and do so much more of the physical work myself!

Now that is where I have been, but my struggle? It started a while ago. I've been struggling on and off all year now and I'm not sure how to turn it off. I feel like my motivation is just as strong as ever, and I am never going to give up but I seem to have trouble getting my nose back down to the grind stone here. I stopped myself tonight and started questioning myself. Why am I stalling myself? Why am I going out of my way to comfort myself with food when I know even before I do it that I will pay for it emotionally and physically later? I hurt myself and then I hurt myself for hurting myself.

I can't answer these things yet. As far into my journey as I have come and I still can not answer some of the simple why's that everyone else can. This doesn't make me feel shame, but maybe a little bit of fear. I wonder if I will ever get back into the habit without so many slips and falls if I am never able to identify all of the triggers?

We all have these moments...the ones where we question our motives and even our provable progress. I found myself wondering if I even wanted the things I want as bad as I say I do if I cant even stick to this for longer than a week or two without a misstep! But that isn't what this is about is it? It isnt about the roller coaster ride, the size 8, or even the kids I am desperate to have. It is about me winning a battle over control of myself and my destiny. I have a path before me and it's rough. People talk about weight loss in so many ways. Everyone has an opinion about how its done and how hard or easy it is. I think in some ways we decide our own difficulty levels, but I also think that most of us aren't aware of that, and that even if we are we are still capable of catching ourselves unaware.

I'm sure I have set myself back a bit over the last week or two, but I'm not ready to call it quits yet. Like I said before, I wont fail until I decide to. And while I thought long and hard about that this week I know I'm not done yet. Someone commented on my weight loss at con this year and I looked and my husband and I could see just how proud he was of me and then I felt shame. I felt it because I know I can do better than this...and so I will.

Regular updates back tomorrow. Thanks for believing in me guys.

Just a quick note:

2010-07-24T00:39:00.000-07:00

To say that I am still here and haven't given up or fallen out of bloggyland. I am having a hard time right now, in more ways than one and this whole week has been full of epic failure. Not that that means the end or anything. If there is one thing I have learned over the past 10 months it is that I will never really fail unless I give up...and I am not. I will be back tomorrow to give you all a full update and to get back on the blog wagon. I need to be blogging every day! I don't care what anyone says, it really really helps me! So please forgive me for my absence and the failures that I plan to tell you about tomorrow night. Don't count me out yet, because who would give up almost 100lbs after less than a week of misbehaving? Not me.

Day 312, 313, 314, 315

2010-07-19T22:14:00.000-07:00

So we all know that when I miss more than one or two days posting that I am struggling! Not so bad this time though. I pulled myself together in time. I lost .8lbs this week. Not so stellar. Yes! I know, we count every single ounce. I know, and believe me I am grateful. I just know I could have done better. This week started 0ut rough. I messed up food wise on Sunday after weigh in and then had a bit of cat emergency right at bedtime and then had to get up a little early today which resulted in less sleep. I am not downing myself, but at some point my sleep has to become a priority for me! The cat emergency aside (cat is fine) I never get enough sleep. I end up averaging less than 6 hours a night which means the next day I am dragging myself around by the seat of my pants all day!

I am doing better now, but I had to make the decision to do better this morning when faced with food choices. I was pulled toward the bad stuff but I want to eat the good stuff because it makes me feel better.

Next step? Get my butt back to the gym tomorrow! This is not a negative post! This is me realizing where I've gone wrong and getting myself together!

The second week of the Freedom Challenge ended today:

My goals were:
1. To eat on plan every day from now on, including 7-9 servings of fruits and vegetables every day. I have been struggling with that and it has been holding me back. actually I did really well on this one this past week!

2. Exercise at least 5 days a week, at the gym or at home. I've been getting better at this but I think its important to keep this goal in mind. I was extremely active this week...but we know that it isn't the same thing as working out! I only went to the gym once! Back to self bootcamp!

3. Wake up and get up with my husband. Do not sleep in every day. Another so far so good here. Getting up on time makes it a less stressful day most of the time. Might meed to readjust this goals focus a little. I need to get more sleep and I have not been sleeping well. I was thinking of trying some meditation (don't I keep saying that?) before bed tonight to see if it helps. It's hot and that seems to be all I can focus on.

4. Get my housework done every day (including be up on my laundry) so that that particular stress doesn't keep me from the gym. My house looks really good right now, including my stove I am proud to say. Now I need to tackle my bedroom!

5. Track my food more diligently so that I'm not stuck trying to remember what I ate at night. This continues to be an issue for me. I have been doing really well at this recently, and hopefully that continues. When I track well, I lose more weight! Same as last week!

Today:
1 chicken sandwich: 6
1 cup mixed fruit: 1
a few french fries: 3
1 cup rice: 5
1 veggie burger: 2
2 tbsp light mayo: 2
1 pudding cup: 2
1 1/2 serving pasta: 6
1 serving sauce (many veggies!): 3
1 sand thin: 1
1/2 serving lunch meat: 1
1/2 oz cheese: 1
1 tbsp light ranch: 1
1 slice tomato: 0
1 serving spinach: 0
34/38

Day 311

2010-07-15T21:32:00.000-07:00

Today was exhausting! We (being my friends and their kids) went to the local fireman's carnival. We walked for around 4 hours and on the way home I carried the 3 year old (not the whole way) on my shoulders. That kid kicked my butt! I was sweating so hard my shirt was starting to get soaked!

It was a good day and I made really good choices. Here I am at the end of the night having gotten a pretty good work out and I am 4 points under even though I went to a carnival! I didn't ride any rides though about half way through the night I realized I could have ridden a few. That was nice. I am making progress. I will be able to ride rides soon! Comfortably I think... Maybe by 260lbs? I would love to be able to ride with my husband!

Today:
1 (smaller) serving pot roast: 4
1 serving roasted potatoes: 2
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1 tsp olive oil: 1
1 tbso brown sugar: 1
soy sauce: 1
1 serving strawberries (1 1/2 cups): 1
1 yogurt: 2
1 cup water melon: 1
1 hot dog (regular from carnival): 5
w/ bun: 3
1/2 small order french fries: 5
1/2 sub from subway: 5
w/cheese: 1
w/mayo: 1
1 green giant frozen broccoli and cheese for one: 0
Edited to add:
1 lf tortilla: 1
1/2 fresh tomato: 0
1 serving ff cheddar: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
37/38

Day 310

2010-07-15T00:23:00.000-07:00

Today was a best friends birthday and as such we went out for dinner and a movie. We went to a Vietnamese restaurant and let me just tell you they have no salad. I went through the whole menu, and no salad at all. Not that their food is terribly heavy, its meat, vegetables and some kind of rice or noodle. That is pretty much the combination one way or the other that makes all of their dishes up. I planned ahead and allotted my points for what I thought I was going to eat, which was incredibly helpful as it kept me mindful throughout the day. We planned on dinner, frozen yogurt and then a movie. At dinner as we were talking about the yogurt place I adjusted according to what was being said about it (I had never been) and decided not to order the bubble tea I usually get. The frozen yogurt was amazing and half of what they sell is low fat or fat free and the toppings they provide are so great! Real, unsweetened fruit, chocolate and caramel chips and cereal. I got strawberries, cherries and blueberries. Less than half a cup combined.

I feel like even though I went over my daily points and into my weeklies that I did really well today. For once I had a strategy. I know myself well enough to know how I am going to act in certain situations and plan for it ahead of time.

The one thing I wanted to ask...Lemon grass chicken...I can not for the life of me find a solid place to get the points from. The best I have found so far is calorie king. I think I need to find my own recipe and see what it takes to create that dish so that I know. If anyone has a good recipe for it I would love it so that I can know more about what I am eating...and because I love eating it!

So far the week has not been great for working out. I went to the gym on Monday, and I walked/jogged some tonight. Another 1/8 mile jog! It is easier at the track though. Here half of my path is at an incline which wipes me out easier, but I am beginning to love the challenge. By next year this time I will be able to run, and I will be able to jog a mile.

Today:
1 ww lf waffle: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1 serving baked salsa chicken: 4
1 cup rice: 5
1 serving broccoli w/ cheese (for one): 0
dinner out: frozen yogurt (calculated by weight): 11
Lemon grass chicken (not eaten all at once): 8
2 cups rice(not eaten all at once): 8
w fruit toppings: 1
1/2 cup movie theatre popcorn (if that): 1
38/38 + 4/34

The thing I really didn't do today? Enough fluids...Tomorrow is going to be better!

Day 309

2010-07-13T18:17:00.000-07:00

What was your "last straw"?

I read through a really interesting thread on the Weight Watchers boards tonight. The original poster talked about how she experienced what she thought should be her last straw, but that she had experienced things like that before. She was asking what everyone thought her problem was, and what everyone else considered their "last straw".

I don't think there is anything "wrong" with you if you are experiencing this. In fact, I think it's pretty normal. Yes, we (most of us) eventually come to a place in time, or a moment that sends us over that uncertain edge toward real weight loss and lifelong health, but that doesn't mean we haven't had several wake up calls in the mean time. The fact of the matter is that until we are ready to change and make sacrifices we aren't ready to make it. So you don't like writing down what you eat, you don't like cooking, you don't like going out when it's really hot, you don't like vegetables or you just don't feel like the effort. Then you are currently in waiting. You are waiting for your brain to catch up with your body. Your body already knows that it is suffering, but your brain still thinks of suffering as giving up daily ice cream, or walking to the mail box instead of driving.

When I was in middle school the kids used to make fun of me by stomping on the floor as I walked by. It wasn't enough.

When I was in high school I could not get through gym class, and I once heard one of my classmates tell the boy I had a crush on: "If I ever get that big, promise me you will kill me." It wasn't enough.

After high school I had wake up after wake up. Not being able to walk, not being able to buy clothes. Breaking lawn furniture, my bed. Not being able to fit into a seat on the bus, not being able to wear a seat belt. I was not able to fit in the desk/chair combos at school. It was not enough.

I weighed 384lbs the first time I ever became serious about losing weight, and I lost 45lbs. It wasn't enough. I lost momentum, and my heart wasn't in it. I was not determined and I had no idea what it meant to not quit. At that point in my life I had quit every single thing I had ever started. I felt like perfection was the only mark that made a winner, and I was wrong. It was easier to let the progress go than it was to forgive myself and make the sacrifice.

I weighed over 400lbs when I went to New Orleans and was almost unable to see the things I wanted to because of not being able to walk. It was not enough.

I weighed over 400lbs when I realized that I would never be able to have children like this. I was over 400lbs when I realized that I would never ride a bike again, or a roller coaster. That I would never run, or jog, or walk my dogs. I realized at over 400lbs that I had no future. Everything I had ever dreamed of was gone. Nothing was possible. I made a doctors appointment, and their scale could not weigh me. I had to go to the mall and pay to weigh in on a scale that went up to 500lbs. I got birth control, and while I was waiting for it to be filled I sat mourning the person I never was.

Apparently, that was enough.

I will never ever forget that day. I feel like it has been burned into the deepest part of my brain and all of the newly formed pathways lead me right back to that place. I will never be that girl again, but I will never forget her. She was my "last straw".

You wont make all of the sacrifices all of the time. That's pretty normal. I wont go for a walk in a thunderstorm and you know what? Sometimes I have ice cream, sometimes I even have it every day. All of the things you think you are going to lose, or hate or just wont be able to deal with - they are so superficial! Besides that they are just not true. Worse case scenario: You eat less ice cream, or less fat ice cream. You walk when it isn't raining, and you try your best to forgive yourself so that you can keep going after deciding on eating a whole pint of ice cream, or skipping the gym longer than you should. It never has to be the end unless you decide to give up. I made my decision about a year ago sitting outside the pharmacy at Wal-Mart looking at a girl mourning herself. I wasn't ready for a funeral. How about you?

Today:
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 fiber one yogurt: 0
1/3 serving pot roast: 2
1 serving potato: 3
1 serving carrots: 0
1 green giant just for one frozen broccoli and cheese: 0
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/2 serving lunch meat: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving mustard: 0
1 thick slice tomato: 0
1 cup spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving baked salsa chicken: 4
1 serving mexican rice: 5
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 serving ice cream: 3
1 (swest) egg roll: 6
edited to add:
1 fruit smoothie: 2
38/38 + 1/35 (my points rolled over today)

Day 308

2010-07-12T22:20:00.000-07:00

Today has been a rather long day, but for the most part a relaxing one. I woke up exhausted. I slept for 6 hours and woke up so tired that my eyes were burning for sleep. I tried going back to sleep and could not. I think I'm wound up about something. It is so hard for me to let stress go and not turn it into anxiety. It is something I've been working on, but haven't made much progress with. It's a journey right? I'm not currently down or anything, just weirdly overstimulated.

I did go to the gym today and my food was good, so I can count the day as a win right? Then I finished watching Season 1 of Merlin. I am quite officially in love.

We are at the end of the first week of The Freedom Challenge!

My goals were:
1. To eat on plan every day from now on, including 7-9 servings of fruits and vegetables every day. I have been struggling with that and it has been holding me back. I have been kicking but on this one so far. I come pretty close to my goal or meet it every day, even though WW currently says I need only eat 5 servings a day. (9 servings if you were over 350lbs.)

2. Exercise at least 5 days a week, at the gym or at home. I've been getting better at this but I think its important to keep this goal in mind. This one is not yet on point but I gave it effort. Generally I do not (and sometimes can not) exercise at all during slasher week, but I managed this time.

3. Wake up and get up with my husband. Do not sleep in every day. Another so far so good here. Getting up on time makes it a less stressful day most of the time.

4. Get my housework done every day (including be up on my laundry) so that that particular stress doesn't keep me from the gym. Been doing alright on that one. The one thing I have been neglecting is my stove. I need to take it apart and clean the inside.

5. Track my food more diligently so that I'm not stuck trying to remember what I ate at night. This continues to be an issue for me. I have been doing really well at this recently, and hopefully that continues. When I track well, I lose more weight!

I think I have had a good week and good results from the last week so onward parade!

Today:
2 ww lf waffles: 2
1 serving reduced cal syrup: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving craisins: 2
1 serving to die for pot roast: 6
1 serving roasted carrots: 0
1 serving roasted red potatoes: 3
1 can soup: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 plum: 1
1 serving craisins: 2
1 baked potato: 5
w/cheese: 2
1 small chili (Yes, I got my dinner from Wendy's. I've been exhausted all day!): 4
1 ww ice cream: 1
38/38

Recently it has come to my attention that I was not eating enough meat, or protein (this is recent) and that perhaps that also slowed down my weight loss. I kicked up the protein a little and got much better results. Hmm.

Day 305, 306, 307

2010-07-11T14:39:00.000-07:00

This is me yesterday at the mall (its a complete mile around on the inside, which makes exercise really awesome!). I wear a size 22 pants now, but the girls (ahem, boobs) keep me from wearing a size 22 top. I'm still in a 26/28 top! That makes it really hard to ever, ever find a dress, not to mention that I have to wear a bra with straps. No ifs, ands, or buts. Otherwise the girls are a spectacle. Well, yesterday we were browsing in dressbarn and I decided to try this dress on. I just knew it wasn't going to fit (it was a 22) but it was so pretty. It fit! Not perfectly, but still, if I had the money and I would wear it more than once before suddenly being a size 20 or 18 then I might have bought it. I have never owned a dress I actually liked. I used to just buy the one (usually there was only one in the store) that fit for whatever occasion I was dressing for. My friend Nadine told me to twist to the side and not do yet another dead on front facing photo.

Weigh in was today and I lost 6.4 pounds in the last two weeks. There was no meeting last Sunday because of the holiday. I think 6.4 pounds is really kick butt! I am now 5.4lbs from 100 lost, and 24.2lbs from weighing under 300.

You guys are getting this post early because I want to hang out with my husband until bedtime with no interruptions. I will come back and update with my food though. I am going to spend some extra points tonight on some special ice cream!

For Retta (Because I loved your post, and your photo. I took this a few days ago and when I saw yours I knew I needed to post it): This is my Lola.

Day 304

2010-07-08T23:10:00.000-07:00

I recently sent a picture into Jack Sh*t last night and he posted it! I took several including this one before I found one I was okay with. I would have sent this one but it was so blurry! She wouldn't hold still!

Today was a really good day. I think the slasher is ending and I will definitely be able to go to the gym tomorrow. It's still here but its so light now it should not get in the way.

Also, my food is definitely getting better now, I am getting a lot more veggies in throughout the day and my tracking for the last 4 days has been pretty on point. I did not get a lot of exercise today but my husband and I are going out tonight to walk (and try jogging again) before we settle in to watch a movie (The Crazies. I just joined Netflix and I love it.). I know you all think it is way too late (past 2am here in Baltimore) but Chad and I keep a different schedule because of his job. We are still a few hours from bed at this point.

Instead of karaoke tonight we went to dinner at Pho, a Vietnamese restaurant not too far from here.

Today:
2 ww lf waffles: 2
1 serving reduced fat syrup: 2
1/2 cup strawberries: 0
1 yogurt: 2
1 bag (4 servings) broccoli slaw: 1
2 tbsp teriyake sauce: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1/2 serving lunch meat: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
2 tsp olive oil: 2
1/2 order thai egg rolls: 5
2 cups rice: 8
1 order lemongrass chicken: 12
1 thai tea: 2
1/2 serving hoisin sauce: 1
1 medium coffee w/ skim milk and splenda: 1
1/2 serving chicken and mixed veggies: 2
38/38 + 7/30

I did not eat all of the above at once from the egg rolls down. I took about half of it home and finished it there a few hours later...which is why I didn't add the extra points for extra servings. I also managed around 7 servings of veggies today!

Edit: We did take that walk/jog and we figured out that around my block 8 times is a mile. Now, that includes differing terrain and inclines and I jogged a good bit of what we walked (2 laps). I know that isn't a lot but I'm excited! I can jog! I jogged for what was probably another 8th of a mile tonight.

Also, growing up I used to do sit ups, is anyone else familiar with them? Do they actually help?

Day 303

2010-07-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

If you tried to view my blog here earlier and weren't able to its because my Google accounts were hacked and I was temporarily shut down. I can't send an email out for 24 hours because of their safety features. Everything seems to be alright now.

Sorry for whining yesterday, I was in a bit of a mental rut and sinking deeper because of feeling/being unable to exercise. I start feeling guilty and like I'm "falling behind" which is ridiculous because the only person I could possibly be racing against is me...

So tonight I got off of my miserable butt, took another shower and went to the local high school track. I didn't stay too long, as really (all kidding seriously aside) this is slasher week. I did a mile on the track at a very quick pace never stopping once and I jogged for 1/8th of a mile. Yes, I know that doesn't sound like much but it was amazing! A year ago I could hardly walk an 8th of a mile! I could have gone father but my partner was having knee issues and I figured at over 300lbs, it was enough...for tonight. So that made me feel better. I'm going to try some more tomorrow, weather permitting, but not at the local track. I'm not comfortable going by myself and my friends go during what is almost the busiest part of my night. I'll go around here though.

Today:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving diet coke chicken: 3
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1 serving jam: 1
1 low fat wrap: 1
1 serving shredded chicken: 3
1/2 serving ff cheddar: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw (can you tell I love it?): 0
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0
Later (updated):
2 servings chicken: 7
1 sand thin: 1
1 serving mayo: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving ice cream: 3
1/2 bag popcorn: 3
38/38

Will update with everything else as I eat it! Okay, that line makes me laugh...

Also, this recipe for Diet Coke Chicken turned out to be amazing! Try it out!

Day 302

2010-07-06T20:45:00.000-07:00

Today has been one of those days that drives me right off of the wagon. The slasher is here with a vengeance...and I've been in a snippy mood all day. I feel pretty surrounded.

I want to go into detail but I am so tired and frustrated right now that I could cry. That I did cry. It isn't always easy loving people so much. Sometimes I wonder if I give too much of myself.

So short post tonight, sorry about that. My food is looking better today though.

Today:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 bag popcorn: 5
1 Very small red potato: 2
1 serving curry: 4
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving lunch meat: 2
1 serving light mayo: 2
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 yogurt: 1
1 serving diet coke chicken: 3
1/2 serving rice: 2
1 cup mixed vegetables: 0
LATER:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving chicken: 3
1 serving mayo: 1
1 serving mixed veg: 0
1/2 serving rice: 2
1 serving curry: 4
1 cup hot chocolate: 4
38/38 + 4/34

Day 300, 301

2010-07-05T23:44:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the lack of an update last night guys. The monthly slasher is here, and hitting me pretty hard. I'm sore and tired and I feel...moist...which makes me feel like I need to shower every hour or so. It also gives me some awful cravings sometimes, but I wonder if that isn't just because I'm sort of housebound for quite a bit of my (heavier) periods and I get bored. My plan to combat these things is to keep myself really busy with keeping up my housework and working on getting up to a jog this week at the park. Hopefully by Thursday I'll be able to go to the gym and get my strength training done. Do you think its too high of a goal to want to be able to jog at this point?

In any case I know I need to be celebrating Day 300 but I want to wait and celebrate getting under 300lbs some day soon! I feel like my eating has been out of control since Saturday at the cook out, but thankfully I have a new challenge and some new goals to help keep me on track and motivate me!

My goals for the challenge (it's only a 4 week challenge so I am really going to try and rev it up, too bad it begins on a slasher week!) are:

1. To eat on plan every day from now on, including 7-9 servings of fruits and vegetables every day. I have been struggling with that and it has been holding me back.

2. Exercise at least 5 days a week, at the gym or at home. I've been getting better at this but I think its important to keep this goal in mind.

3. Wake up and get up with my husband. Do not sleep in every day.

4. Get my housework done every day (including be up on my laundry) so that that particular stress doesn't keep me from the gym.

5. Track my food more diligently so that I'm not stuck trying to remember what I ate at night. This continues to be an issue for me.

Today:
2 ww lf waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1 banana: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 can soup: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving reg doritos: 6
1/2 cup rice: 2
1/2 cup peas: 1
1 serving curry: 5
extra (later) serving dinner: 8
1 serving light ice cream: 3
38/38 + 1/35

Also, I didn't skip Sunday weigh in, there just wasn't one and I am trying not to compulsively weigh myself!

I need strength to stick to my convictions right now. I can't look for that outside of myself.

Day 299

2010-07-04T01:18:00.000-07:00

Today was a long day in which I ate a little too much, got a little exercise (swimming and walking), and ended up chapped on my upper thighs.

The food...it wasn't the volume of food consumed so much as the fact that there are never ever any healthy options at my family get-togethers. Even the fruit salad has sugar in it!

Not to mention as a side note pertaining to self discovery-I realized today that I eat to avoid conversation sometimes when I am overwhelmed. I am the youngest granddaughter of the youngest sister (we are very matriarchal) in my whole family. Everyone knows me and has always known me. Not to mention I was named after the original matriarch of our family. You would think that that should make me more comfortable, but it doesn't. I feel like sometimes people expect something of me...particularly when I get asked repeatedly throughout the day when I'm going to have kids and how Chad and I should start practicing now. Its all meant in good fun and I take it as such, but I didn't realize how much stress I was getting from it until today when I was scarfing down a regular hot dog. These are not excuses, just a minor epiphany at the cook out today that was strong enough to make me give up my dessert. I am learning new things about myself all of the time these days.

I have a rather large family reunion coming up in August and I have decided to bring a healthy option myself. Usually I get requests for things I personally shouldn't eat, but that everyone else loves. I might still do one of those as I don't have much of an issue eating things that I have cooked a million times, but I am most certainly also doing a healthy dish. My aunt tried though, I just didn't know about it until after I ate it. She cooked some burgers with pineapple (which I love love love on burgers) that were all made from ground turkey. That was a nice surprise.

I am joining Deb's Freedom Challenge on Monday. I need to figure out some manageable goals to go into this challenge with. It is a much shorter challenge but I want to be successful. I need to work on my consistency and my readiness.

I got home late so the post is a little short tonight you guys. I will be back tomorrow with positive reports!

Today:
1 serving taco soup: 7
w corn bread: 3
w 1 serving cheese: 2
1 pudding cup: 1
1 burger no bun: 4
w 1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 slice pineapple: 0
1 serving buffalo chicken dip: 4
1 serving chips: 4
1 regular hot dog: 5
w regular roll: 3
3 oz lean steak: 5
a few bits from a dessert plate: 10
38/38+ 11/22

Day 298

2010-07-03T00:45:00.001-07:00

Being active isn't the same thing as working out. I know that. We all know that. I was active today, very active. In fact I just finally sat down in my living room to relax for the first time tonight. I did not go to the gym today. I meant to. Have you ever had a day like that? All is not lost though! I still have the reigns! I accomplished a lot today and it made me feel good, and I didn't sit on my butt all day.

I have another long day tomorrow loaded with pitfalls. A family cook out! I plan to spend most of the day in the swimming pool. My aunt's house is also located in a beautiful neighborhood, I might take a walk/jog while over there. These family things usually last all day long and a walk will take my mind off of all of the food and provide some motivation to get me through the day.

I posted some before and after pictures last night on my side bar (I'm slowly going to clean the side bar up and hopefully make it more useful!) but I want to post these two here as well.

This was me in March of 2009 on a swamp tour of the bayou in Louisiana. At this point in time I did not know I weighed over 400lbs because I hadn't weighed myself in a very long time. I have a very hard time recognizing this person. I remember the pain and how I cried walking back to the hotel from the French Quarter. It wasn't all bad though. I remember feeling brave afterward. I remember being so afraid of getting on the river boat. I was afraid I would rock it hard enough for people to really notice. I didn't though and it ended up being one of my favorite parts of the trip.

This was taken last night because I wanted something to compare it to. It was kind of shocking. Pictures are so revealing even when we can look in the mirror and see the evidence pictures are somehow better. Up until last night when I looked in the mirror I saw the person in the first picture...and now? Now I'm not sure I recognize her. She was miserable. She was looking for ways to make herself feel happy and normal that didn't involve losing weight. She was trying to become a mother. She couldn't have chased after a child, She could hardly tie her shoes. I could hardly tie my shoes. I could not walk. I cried sometimes at night when I thought about whether or not I would be here in the morning. I couldn't shave my legs...because I couldn't reach all of the way around them. I would constantly ask my husband, "How can you love me?" I'm not being dramatic. I wondered because I didn't love me, I had no idea what loving myself would entail. I didn't wonder what was possible...because I knew intrinsically that nothing was. I knew without asking that at the weight I was at, deduced by just how miserable I felt mentally and physically, that I was shortening my life by what could be as much as several decades. I think I actually went through the stages of grief on that one. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then Acceptance. Only when I got to acceptance something happened.

I decided to live, and in the course of this journey have discovered how to love myself, and how to cope. I have discovered what it means to really be alive. That girl on the river boat? She was viewing life through a dirty window. I'm going outside. I can walk several miles at a pretty normal pace, no tears. I'm tying my shoes and shaving my legs because I can reach every single inch of my body. I don't wake up with pain anymore! I don't worry about dying in my sleep anymore and I can't even begin to count the possibilities I have to look forward to.

What are you looking forward to? Non scale goals!

Today:
2 ww lf waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1/2 sandwich from subway: 5
w mayo: 1
w cheese: 1
1 bite of moms hot dog: 1
1 serving baked lays: 3
1 serving taco soup: 3
1 serving corn bread: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 2
1 serving roasted pork chops: 4
1 serving stuffing: 3
1 serving corn on the cob: 2
1/2 bag popcorn: 2
1/2 serving craisins: 1
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 pork chop: 4
1 cup homemade hot chocolate: 4
38/38 + 6/28

Day 297

2010-07-01T15:19:00.000-07:00

So remember what I said about taking the reigns? I've got them. I worked out today, though not at the gym... It was a beautiful day here in Baltimore and I couldn't just stay inside!

A lot of the people who have or who read blogs do not have a gym membership like I do. It takes courage to go to the gym and sweat very hard in front of people you don't know. It's also hard to imagine yourself (if you are as big as I am or was) getting onto any of those machines and not breaking them. Trust me though, they will hold you, and they will change the way you feel about working out too. The gym (especially if you are going to add strength training to your routine) is a very valuable asset to the journey.

Now, for those of us not ready there are plenty of other things you can do to get your heart rate up!

This is the park near my house. I decided that since tonight is karaoke night and I had a lot to do at home I would get some cardio in at the park and enjoy some fresh air.

There is a bike trail that winds through a lot of my part of Baltimore and it cuts through the park here, which makes for wonderful walking/jogging/breathing hard.

Despite being in the middle of the city, its actually quite beautiful here, though different from when I was younger.

My grandfather taught me how to ride a bike right in this area here. There used to be fences and swings and monkey bars a jungle gym and concrete paths.

He would sit on a wooden bench here, with his Siamese cat on his shoulder while I played. I really miss him. I did not expect the park to drag out memories that way but they are very good ones. It made me sad, but not in a bad way. It was hard to leave this spot today.

I used to go to the community center here for games and organized sports for kids. It is where my brother won his first trophy. Kids still play basket ball here.

So I walked and jogged (a little, on and off, and it wasn't as bad as last time at all!). Then Before I left I ran up and down these stairs several times before walking home.

I think it was actually a great workout. Refreshing and out of the ordinary. And it definitely got my heart rate up! This is not a pretty picture, its a sweaty one! Though there was a very nice breeze today so it wasn't as bad as at the gym.

I will post my food, but this entry is coming so early a lot of my points aren't used yet. I have karaoke tonight and I wanted to make sure this post was made!

Edited to post food:

Today:
1 chicken sandwich: 5
w/ honey mustard: 1
1 side salad: 1
w/ spicy dressing: 4
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
1 serving taco soup: 7
1 serving corn bread: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
6 hours later:
1/2 serving taco soup: 3
1 serving corn bread: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
38/38

Day 296

2010-06-30T22:09:00.000-07:00

So I had a bad night last night. I ended up eating a few things that I shouldn't have out of stress. I guess that would be binging? Right. This morning I was all set to beat myself up over it. You see, this is my pattern of stumbling. I get stressed, I screw up, I get depressed and so on and so forth. This afternoon after a morning of wallowing I decided that I was tired of it. No, I'm not always going to be able to fight it off but when I feel like I have a choice, don't I have to make it? All throughout this journey I've had light bulbs going on all over the place and I feel like this was one of them. One of those moments when another flip switches. One day, one meal, one bad choice did not get me to 417.8 lbs and still wont. It took a series of bad choices, a lifetime of bad days filled with bad meals. I am not the girl I used to be! I got up, off of my pathetic wallowing butt, put on my gym clothes and off I went. I upped the resistance on the elliptical today and went for another hour. It was a lot like the sweat washed away all of the tension and worry of the last few days. I feel better, and when I came out of the gym I made myself a promise: I will get to 100 lbs lost (or as close as is humanly possible, don't think that if I miss the mark a little I am going to kick myself.) in the next two weeks. The thing is, even if I cant, I am going to work at it like I can. I am tired of not feeling in control. To a certain extent yes, our bodies do what they want. But I am able to make choices that influence what my body does. This is me, taking the reigns.

Today:
2 ww waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving doritos: 4
1 serving enchiladas: 7
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving enchiladas: 7
1 1/2 cup strawberries (fresh): 1
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving carrots: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving tortilla strips: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving crasins: 2
3 tbsp light ranch: 3
35/38

Day 295

2010-06-29T18:53:00.000-07:00

Today was the day of my physical. I was actually pretty nervous. My experiences with doctors have not all been good. Everything came out pretty well except for two things. My TSH is high (which means my thyroid is low, and my triglycerides are high at 277. All of my other cholesterol levels were very good. My glucose is perfect, my kidneys and liver are great etc. She said I might be a little iron deficient but that because I have such a heavy period that it could be the cause. Also, my blood pressure is great.

She wants to do more blood work in 3 months. She said that the triglycerides could be explained because of my weight loss and my body trying to break down the fat, but it still worries me. When I got home and did a little research I also learned that my particular brand of birth control can also cause a spike in triglycerides. Either way I'm nervous. She said that if it didn't come down we might talk about medication, but honestly I might try going off of the pill first. Hopefully it wont come to either of those things. She wants me to try fish oil and limiting my fat and sugar more. I'm not actually looking forward to that. Yes, that was effectively a groan on my part. I don't want to struggle anymore, it really kills my motivation. I'm not actually saying I will struggle, only that I'm afraid. Not afraid of failing, just of losing my stride again.

I also cant afford my prescriptions (4 new ones for skin issues), plus I need to pay my gynecologist what I owe her in order for me to be able to get more birth control. Argh. It just never ends does it? I am ready for a break now! Maybe I'll buy a lottery ticket.

Can I have a really big awesome plus side? I weighed in at the doctors office (cant avoid that one), and that scale read 325lbs. I'm not counting on it, but it would be nice right?

All in all it was actually a really good appointment and I am relived that I am no where near having diabetes and that all traces of high blood pressure (from when I was a teen) are gone. I am also thankful that everything else is good.

I think I am doing a pretty good job guys.

I think that despite my journeys pit falls I have really been succeeding. I'm not whining but sometimes it really feels like the deck has been kind of stacked against me lately. Oh, and I know there is no deck and that everything isn't actively working against me. Sometimes I just feel that way. We all do I think. It's just time to push it all back and deal rationally. I'm not going to lose track this time. It's my life, and I'm not willing to waste it wondering what if!

I went to the gym today, but since its an in between day for me I decided to do some swimming instead of cardio. I thought it would be relaxing since I tend to get so stressed when I don't need to. It was not relaxing. Somehow the YMCA messed up their schedule and there were too many people trying to use the pool for too many different things. I was kicked in the face by a man who was swimming with his head and torso under water and feet out. I let it go. Then his daughter asked him to stop because he was splashing everyone else in the face. He said: "I don't care, they all deserve to be splashed." I am not joking. I just got out. I had been swimming for 45 minutes so it wasn't the hour and half I wanted, but it was enough and I needed to be near a less stressful group of people.

Today:

2 ww waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
2 cups chopped broccoli: 0
1 cup sliced peppers: 0
1 tbsp teryake sauce: 1
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 serving salsa: 0
1 orange: 1
1 sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving beef and veggie stew: 5
24/38

I will add the rest of my points after I use them!

Retta gave me an award! The I Love Your Blog award!

Here are "The Rules":
1. Thank the person that gave it to you.
2. Write 10 things that you love.
3. Pass this award on to 10 other bloggers.

1. My husband.
2. My cats.
3. My family.
4. My friends.
5. A quiet night at home alone.
6. My dogs.
7. Gummy bears.
8. Raspberry Iced Tea.
9. Singing.
10. Being able to see the stars at night.

Retta broke the rules and so I am too. I am not passing this on to any one person! The ability to share things about yourself belongs to everyone and honestly? I love too many blogs to pick just a few. Take this and share it with your friends too.

Day 294

2010-06-28T21:34:00.000-07:00

If you are anything like me then you have been fat for quite a long time. These days you have finally heard the bell, that little pang in your head that finally let the switch flip. These days everything that everyone (not making fun of you) always tried to say to you finally makes sense. The things about your life being better and about "food always" being there. Things that promised you that you wouldn't miss out, and that in fact even before you were done your whole life would change. People would tell us that it would cure and solve everything.

They were...mostly right. My life is so much better. I still weigh over 300lbs and I feel alive for the first time in my memory. One of my middle school teachers once said that there was a difference between "living" and "being alive". Being alive is a very stationary one dimensional sort of thing, and living is constant movement in a world with more dimensions than we can count. Food is still around, but I am developing a relationship with it that will help take care of me for the rest of my life. I don't know why I always felt like being on a diet would mean missing out! I'm finally not missing out! All that time spent worrying about missing out, what was I worried about missing out on? Food. It was my only source of pure enjoyment. These days I still think about food. The battle isn't over. Human beings can't divorce food, so we have to change our perception of it. In the mean time I am learning to get enjoyment from being outside, from walking with my husband, and from accomplishing physical tasks I never thought I'd be capable of. An hour on the elliptical? Me? A year ago I couldn't go more than ten minutes on the treadmill at 1.8 miles per hour holding onto the side bars. Now I enjoy the way I feel when I am sweating. I enjoy the feeling of sweating so hard that I have to shake the drops off of my glasses. That is what living feels like to me now. Not struggling to breathe down the sidewalk to the nearest kitchen to sit down and eat and for the air conditioning to cool away the sweat, the evidence of my hard work. Only back then the evidence of my hard work was embarrassing. I didn't want anyone to see that I broke into a bad sweat just walking 20 feet. I didn't want anyone to know I couldn't do it. I didn't want anything. My whole life is changing, so much so that when I stop to wonder what things will be like after losing the whole 252 lbs I can't. I feel like the outcomes are endless and that I could never imagine anything that will come close to the experience. No, losing weight itself isn't going to fix everything that is wrong with me and my life. Only I can do that. ...But back then when people were trying to talk some sense into me they were onto something. It is within our power to fix the things in our lives that give us grief, but how can we face them as shadows of ourselves? How can we face anything not knowing who we really are or what we are capable of? That is how decisions come to be regretted, and why I was never able to finish anything. I never knew why, but I'm starting to get an inkling.

The gym was good today. Do you ever bargain with the cardio machines? I do. You know what I mean..."Just 5 more minutes and then I will stop." Then you finish that up, but don't stop, "Okay, just to 25 minutes, that's good enough." Then you end up doing 30 anyway. I only really have these conversations with myself when I forget my ipod...which I did today. I still managed an entire hour on the elliptical, plus an hour of weights. I have my physical tomorrow afternoon so right after that I am going to hit the gym to get it out of the way early.

Oh, and I did weigh myself this morning! MY scale said 327.4. Here is the thing: Up until yesterday my scale every Sunday morning (and I checked because I wanted to know) would be almost exactly 2lbs higher than the WW scale. On Sunday morning my scale at home said 329.6...which is what the WW scale said also. It was a different scale (there are 3), one I've never weighed on before. I have weighed in on the same scale since the first weigh in! Yeah I know, crazy...but then I've seen ladies take curlers out of their hair while in the line to be weighed. So now, my attempt to not weigh myself again until at least this coming Sunday, hopefully the one after that at the meeting.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1/2 serving pb: 2
1 serving sun chips: 3
1 serving salsa: 0
1 serving beef and veg stew: 5
1 banana: 2
1 low fat wrap: 1
1 serving dirty rice: 6
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving salsa: 0
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
1 serving mixed greens: 0
1 serving red pepper: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving carrots: 0
1 serving tomato: 0
1/4 cup chic peas: 0
1/2 serving ff ranch: 1
1 italian ice: 3
1 serving light chips: 3
1/4 cup salsa: 0
3oz cheese: 3
38/38 + 6/35

Day 293

2010-06-27T22:32:00.000-07:00

Edited to add this photo. Please ignore my messy house! This was taken on Saturday afternoon (or Friday, my days are a little mixed up right now, I'm tired.). The pants in the photo are a size 32. I used to need a 34, but I don't have any of those left so these are apparently going to be my official weigh in pants! Inside these pants is me, wearing a size 22! Sorry the photo quality isnt that great, I cant find my camera so this was taken with my phone.

So I was feeling really discouraged this morning. I weighed in at my meeting and the scale there said I gained 1.4lbs. I have to say that I was shocked this time. I worked my butt off this week. Seriously. My food was lacking, I'll admit, but I didn't go over and I had a surplus of extra points and activity points that I didn't use.

I was really, really discouraged this morning...then I thought about it. My weight has been fluctuating downward slowly over the last few months and that has been putting a cramp in my step, and making me really second guess myself...which is honestly making me crazy. I've never lost this much weight before ever, and so I'm not always sure what to expect next. I'm not sure if this is normal. I will say that despite the numbers not being what I wanted in the last month or so I have dropped from a size 26 to a size 22. Besides that, I kinda have a feeling that the scale was wrong. I don't have a meeting next Sunday because of the holiday but I think after that I'm going to show a nice loss. I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning to get a base weight on my scale and then try very hard not to do it again until the next meeting. I will have faith in the process.

Not all in my life is peachy, its getting complicated again. My motivation is back, and pretty intensely too! I don't want to be all negative here, but sometimes I feel like the bad has to be talked about too in order to cope. So...the bed bugs are not gone as we thought and I know it's just me but they freak me out so badly that I am having trouble sleeping...pretty much at all. That is killing me. I'm so tired sometimes that I'm useless. I need to step up the workouts a little but I'm feeling exhausted at the moment. Never doubt the emotional toll of something like this ever.

These aren't excuses! I don't feel like I need them. I am 88 lbs down, and a size 22, down from a 34. This has been a hard year for me, and for my family but you know... I am persevering.

Today:
1 regular roll: 3
1 serving lunch meat: 2
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving lettuce: 0
1 serving tomato: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving peppers: 0
1 serving sunchips: 3
1/2 serving dirty rice cass.: 6
1 serving light mayo: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 light wrap: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
2 servings salsa: 0
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving ww pasta: 3
1 serving pasta sauce w/veggies: 4
1 yogurt: 2
2 servings beef and vegetable stew: 11
38/38 + 4/31

My points turn over tomorrow. Next week I pull my turnover day back to Sunday so that everything is the same. Weigh in and points reset day.

Day 292

2010-06-26T23:37:00.000-07:00

Today was another active one. My husband and I have been out almost all day running errands and then really just enjoying ourselves together. We had lunch out together, and I thought I did pretty well actually, but now I'm not so sure.

I decided on a salad and we decided to split some nachos as an appetizer. I love nachos. (In fact if anyone anywhere has a great low fat or low point idea for nachos please let me know. I'm working on it too.) Then after about half of the (rather large) salad I was full. One half of the salad? 5 points. 1/2 of the nachos? 21. That ladies and gentlemen should be an equation of regret, but it is not. I've been doing pretty well, and still didn't go over my points today. Now I didn't realize that I spent so much on nachos until I got home, and hadn't really eaten much else. I guess that is a benefit of being more active? Okay, well then, deep breath, and get past it. Don't dwell Ruby.

In any case I have my weigh in tomorrow and grocery shopping and I need to finish my list. So far my meal plan (which is ever evolving based on sales and what I have in stock here) looks like this:

1. Szechuan chicken breasts, and steamed broccoli.
2. Chicken curry w/ brown rice and peas
3. Taco soup w corn bread
4. Chicken and stuffing casserole w green beans
5. Chicken mac casserole with green salad.

Hmm. Chicken, chicken, and...chicken. I have a bunch of it stocked, but hopefully will get something different this week. I don't actually have many beef or pork recipes, and fish is something most of my family wont eat.

What are you guys cooking this week?

Today:
1/2 serving leftover dinner: 6
1 ff wrap: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1/2 serving nachos: 21
1/2 asian crunch salad: 5
1 serving sunchips: 3
37/38

I need more veggies!

Day 291

2010-06-25T21:03:00.000-07:00

I cried at a clothing store today.

I've been kind of emotional all day even though it was a perfectly lovely day. I needed to go out and get a new charger for my laptop (And it was 85 bucks! For a charger. Gah!), and so I decided to stop into a clothing store that I haven't visited in quite a while. The reason being that clothing shopping has never been fun for me. I was between a size 32 and a size 34. Nothing fit me correctly and those seemed to be the sizes that were always gone first anyway. Secondly I have been losing weight so I haven't really wanted to invest much money into clothes I will only wear for a month or three. So recently I bought a pair of shorts from Wal-Mart in a size 26 and so in the clothing store I was picking up size 26 only not thinking about the fact that my shorts are getting a little lose. I tried them on, and realized that I could get them on and off without unbuttoning them, so I asked my friend to bring me a size 24. She brought me a size 22, and it fit, really well. I have never in my life worn a 22. I went right from size 20 to 24 when I was very young. So I was pleasantly shocked, and I cried. Then I bought two pairs of shorts for 55 percent off!

Today:
2 ww ff waffles: 2
1 serving reduced calorie syrup: 2
Sushi lunch:
14 pieces assorted sushi (estimate using calorie king and WW online): 15
3 pieces gyoza: 3
1 baked potato w/cheese: 7
1 small chili: 4
1/2 serving leftover dinner: 6
1 ff wrap: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
38/38

Have you been inspired to tears in your journey before?

Day 290

2010-06-24T23:48:00.000-07:00

"What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?"

That is actually a pretty moving question for me. I've been thinking along those lines a lot lately. What would I attempt if I was not fat? So many things. I have dreams that I've let go of and doors I've allowed to close over the years because I didn't (and perhaps still don't, not yet) have the confidence to fight for myself. This has been true in everything, even weight loss until now. Dieting is multifaceted. You think its simple and straight forward, and it is. Recently on facebook one of my cousins asked me for my "secret" because she needed to lose about 100lbs too. There isn't one! I realized then that the reason for my success, especially over the mental hurdles, goes back to the root of the question again. It isn't that I know the future, its that I know my life depends on me getting on the ball and losing this weight. So, I can not fail. Literally. So weight loss is simple, but people aren't. We are complicated, and sometimes deluded creatures. We get in the habit of telling ourselves what we want to hear even when we are hurting ourselves by doing so. I can lose weight whenever I want to. It can wait. I'm just too busy. It's too hard. I'm fine. This diet doesn't work. It's not fair. I'm just taking a break. There is no secret. Weight loss is hard, and transforming yourself on the outside takes transforming yourself on the inside too, and ladies and gentlemen, that is a long road. One we may never be finished. The weight will come off, but then I have to live. The reward is the long road. Maybe I will never get the dreams and opportunities back that I've lost, but I'm clearing the way for the rest of my life.

Today was incredibly active.

I took Chad to work before going to the gym (Woo! Third time this week!) and getting in an extra hour on the elliptical. Then I swam (fun swimming, not really work) for about an hour and a half. Plus today was karaoke, so I'm pretty proud of myself.

Dinner was iffy because I used regular sausage. OUCH 39.5 points for 14oz. Next time I am using chicken, or turkey sausage. Lesson learned!

Today:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1 grilled chicken sandwich: 6
w/ honey mustard: 2
1 small fruit cup: 1
3 waffle fries: 1
1 yogurt parfait: 4
1 serving dirty rice casserole (so many points because I prepared it using sausage, full fat, oops.): 13
1 serving pasta w sauce: 6
38/38

Day 289

2010-06-23T20:24:00.000-07:00

Someone noticed!!

I was at the gym today getting back on the elliptical for my second 30 minutes and this woman tapped me on the shoulder and told me that I looked great and that she had been coming to the YMCA as long as I had and she wished she was as motivated as me. I "Phsawwed" and told her I was just trying to get back to going regularly (which I have been, yay!) and that I had been seeing her there and she was also doing a great job. I'm excited though, it feels good to have someone that doesn't love you say that you are looking good. The thing is...I'm noticing too. I know before I couldn't see it so well, but like I said, suddenly I have edges. AND CURVES. I have a shape that isn't quite so round. My clothes are looking better on me too. I am very motivated right now.

Tentatively I am going to the gym tomorrow also to help a friend with her kids in the pool. I'm planning to get there early and get in some extra cardio. I mean I know I said three days, but any extra is good. I'm driving there I might as well get on the machine.

Since this post is early my points aren't all finished yet.

Today:
1 flatout wrap: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/4 cup rice: 1
1 serving roasted red pepper: 0
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving light mayo: 2
1 serving light honey mustard: 2
1 pudding: 1
1 banana: 2
1 cup rice: 4
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1/2 cup peas: 1
2 servings soy sauce: 1
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving whole wheat pasta: 3
1 serving sauce: 3
1 flatout wrap: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/4 cup rice: 1
1 serving roasted red pepper: 0
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving light mayo: 2
1 serving light honey mustard: 2
1 pudding: 1
1 banana: 2
1 cup rice: 4
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1/2 cup peas: 1
2 servings soy sauce: 1
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving whole wheat pasta: 3
1 serving sauce: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
2nd serving dinner: 8
1 serving icecream: 3
1 waffle with 1/4th serving of pb and 1/2 serving jam: 3
38/38 + 4/35

Wow! I was actually quite hungry tonight.

Day 288

2010-06-22T23:28:00.000-07:00

I managed to submit my videos to the America's Got Talent Youtube contest tonight! That is how I spent my day. Making 3 more videos I was satisfied with and then submitting them. I feel weird with my face so visible on camera that way. Let's admit it once and for all: I am incredibly nervous period. I've always sung, but never with any outward motivation beyond karaoke. It's funny what losing weight does. It makes you be honest with yourself. Good and bad. I would love to sing. I have always been so afraid I would fail right at the jump because of my weight. Honestly I'm not sure I'm saying that I aspire to some huge career. I'm 27, and I want to be a mother. My life is changing so much! It's hard to keep up with what I want because so many things are becoming possible! That's a good thing right? Also, no one worry about me not being picked or being depressed about it. I'm really honestly good there. I'm just impressed that I actually took the chance.

Also I won a prize for the Spring Challenge! Amazing! I never expected it, and I'm really glad I took the challenge!

Today:
2 ww waffles: 2
1 serving reduced calorie syrup: 2
1 chicken nugget (yeah, I needed it.): 1
1 1/2 cups rice: 6
1 cup carrots: 0
1/2 cup green beans: 0
2 servings curry sauce: 2
1 tbsp light sour cream: 1
1 tbsp shredded coconut: 1
1 blueberry beer: 3
1 serving chicken noodle soup (homemade!): 4
1 serving dumplings (also homemade!): 4
1 strawberry cheesecake smoothie (strawberries, ff instant pudding mix, skim milk): 3
1/2 flat out wrap and salsa: 1
2nd (later) serving dinner incl dumplings: 8
38/38

Day 287

2010-06-21T20:55:00.000-07:00

I have a some fasting blood work tomorrow for a physical next week, and so I ate my last meal just a few moments ago. Dinner would have been done sooner except I opted to go to the gym tonight and pushed my schedule back some. I'm really nervous about the blood work. I don't want diabetes. I know, chances are at this point in the game I don't have it, but after being so heavy for so long it does indeed scare me. Especially with PCOS and insulin resistance. So, I'm a touch on the freaked out side. I'm also worried about the physical next week. I haven't had many good experiences with doctors in my life! I like this doctor so far though, and I have my weigh in book to bring with me to show my progress. You cant sneeze at 90lbs in less than a year right?

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I recently revised my goals to 3 days a week, and so far so good.
2. I'm doing it most days now, and even today I got 5 servings.
3. I went to my meeting!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. I get a bike soon! It will still take some time for me to get my bike because of money, but soon enough it shouldn't be a problem. I was worried about not being able to ride one because of my weight but I think now it should be okay. :)

Now something I like about myself. I like that I am losing weight and that I am sticking with it! It takes real guts to do this so don't ever let anyone tell you any different. If you have the ability to do this then I cant imagine a task you cant accomplish.

Today:
1 can soup: 5
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving mayo: 1
1 serving cheese: 2
1/2 serving lunch meat: 1
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1/2 serving pb: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 serving almonds: 2
1 pudding: 1
1 serving brown rice: 4
1 serving chicken curry w lots of veggies: 5
extra cup of rice: 5
1/2 serving curry: 3
36/38

Day 286

2010-06-21T14:04:00.000-07:00

Sorry this is late!

I went to my meeting yesterday and saw a loss of 4.4 lbs, putting me at my lowest weight thus far: 328.2. I am 10.4lbs from 100lbs lost. Its funny because when I saw the numbers I didn't notice how close I was to 100, I noticed the .4lbs from 90lbs lost first. I'm so used to little goals I guess. Its also hard to imagine 100 pounds lost when just to think about it in the moment I still feel like the same person. 89.6 pounds is a lot though. I feel like it isn't enough because of how far I have left to go (and yes it feels daunting sometimes). I'm not being fair to myself though. 89.6 means everything. It has meant walking, and smaller clothing sizes. It has meant my life. I am so ready for 100 lost.

I don't know if this is an NSV or not but after weigh in I was sitting in the car and I noticed a lump on my leg, down by my ankle. So I reach down to feel it and it was my ankle. I have bones now! I'm noticing a lot of things like that. I feel things on my body now that I'm not used to and it can be a bit unnerving but I think its because I have no idea what my body is supposed to be like. Suddenly I'm not just round and soft, I'm developing edges!

Sunday is grocery day as well as weigh in day and I didn't use my points well. We were out of the house all day. I need to work on my weekends.

Today:
1 whole turkey sub: 11
w cheese: 2
w mayo: 2
1 serving baked lays: 3
1 yogurt: 2
2 servings bubble up pizza casserole: 15
1 serving low fat ice cream: 3
38/38

Day 285

2010-06-19T20:50:00.001-07:00

So I'm really not that sick, except for the lingering headache, which I am proud to say is not a migraine.

It is however, painful and making it hard to be online. I had a lot of errands to run today and I wasn't feeling well, so my food isn't great, and I didn't eat all of my points. I'll probably pay for that tomorrow at weigh in but I cant help but be proud of myself. This has been my first completely on plan week in a month. I didn't fall completely off before but I was dragging behind diet parade. This week I didn't feel like I was faking it! And thank GOD for that because honestly I needed some time to just feel good about myself and everything. I've been stuck in these size 26's long enough don't you think?

Wish me luck for weigh in!

Today:
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1/2 serving pb: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 baked potato w/ cheese: 6
1 small chili: 4
1/2 serving boneless wings: 6
1 chicken fajita pizza (yay flatout wraps): 7
1 serving carrots: 0
1 yogurt: 2
32/38

Day 284

2010-06-19T00:53:00.000-07:00

Sorry this is going to be a short one as I think I've caught what my husband had, and I'm feeling groggy. Thankfully I don't have as much congestion as he seemed to be dealing with. Needless to say - there was no gym today. Its alright, I have tomorrow, and if I don't feel better, its okay! I was completely on plan this week! Ugh, the congestion does mean that I didn't make it back to make more videos. I have two though and if everything else falls through I can make a few (less pretty) videos on my own.

Today:
2 whole grain waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1 ww icecream: 2
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1/2 cup corn: 1
2 serving soy sauce: 1
3 servings teriyaki: 2
1 cup hot tea: 0
1 serving honey: 1
1 serving Meatloaf Pizza Pie: 6
1 serving carrots: 0
1 serving meatloaf pizza pie: 7
1 blueberry muffin: 11
36/38

Day 283

2010-06-18T01:01:00.000-07:00

Sorry for this being so late! There was no gym today, as really its a Thursday and normally we go to karaoke. Tonight though I went with some friends to record some videos of me singing. I am going to submit some videos for the youtube America's Got Talent contest. I know my chances are slim, but I'd regret it if I never tried. We recored two songs tonight but it took forever since we were learning how all of the equipment works and such. I'm going back tomorrow night to get a few more done. Then I will choose the best of the lot! I'll post whatever I don't use here, and give you guys links to the ones I do so that you can vote!

In any case I missed dinner tonight and snacks and by the time I got home I just wanted easy so: more leftovers. I did alright though. I did not go over my points!

Today
1 serving veggies (mostly corn):1
1 enchilada: 8
1 serving chicken, tomato, and potato stew: 9
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving enchilada: 8
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving lunch meat: 2
1 serving mustard: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/3 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
38/38

Day 282

2010-06-16T23:47:00.000-07:00

Quick post tonight, as I have a friend here. Her long time boyfriend (might as well be husband) is coming in from out of state tomorrow and she is trying to finish his birthday gift. A 13 foot long Doctor Who scarf. She taught herself how to knit and is now putting the finishing touches (tassels) on it and wanted my help. I will post a picture of the scarf tomorrow Friday after she gives it to him.

There was a party today that I attended after I went to the gym. Two days down! I did alright at the party too. I'm finding that I am eating almost all of my extra points this week, but I'm okay with that as I have 23 activity points so far and if everything goes as planned I should have another 17 or so on Friday. I should definitely show a loss this week!

Today:
2 low fat whole grain waffles: 2
w 1 serving reduced cal syrup: 2
1/2 banana: 1
1 yogurt: 2
2 servings ww brown pasta: 7
1 serving sauce: 3
2 slices pizza: 8
1 slice cake: 10
1 serving enchilada: 8
2 servings mixed veggies: 0
38/38 + 5/11

Day 281

2010-06-15T21:41:00.001-07:00

Today was unremarkable except for my head ache, which has let up a bit in the last hour. I did not go to the gym today which is fine as my revised goal was 3 days a week. I'm still feeling really motivated and on track. My food was great today too. I don't know how to describe it...I just feel...hopeful again. I don't feel stuck! Hopefully it sticks. I've always known that this was the "it" time for me. The journey that I would finally make it through to the other side. Greener pastures if you will. I guess just like anything else I cant rush through it and expect it to work. I'm going to have to patience and work through the down days. I know I'm not there yet, but I know I'm on my way.

I am however looking at some step (or one of the many videos on cable) and I might try one tonight, nothing huge, maybe 30 minutes to give myself a little boost and keep my enthusiasm up. Plus I need to start stretching, seriously, my hamstrings are so sore! I guess that's a good sign though.

Well, time to get off of my butt!

Today:
2 low fat whole grain waffles: 2
w 1 serving reduced cal syrup: 2
1/2 cup fresh blueberries: 1
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
2 servings low sodium soy sauce: 1
3 tbsp teriyaki sauce: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving lunch meat: 2
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving mustard: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1 serving whole wheat macaroni: 4
1 serving pasta sauce w tons of veggies: 3
1 cup of soup: 6
1 whole grain waffle: 1
1 tbsp spaghetti sauce: 0
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving diet pepsi cake: 4
38/38 + 4/15

Crap. I forgot about the pepsi cake until I was going over everything I tracked just now. Oh well.

Day 280

2010-06-14T22:36:00.000-07:00

Something that makes me smile? I have more energy and it doesn't hurt as much to use it. My poor husband is sick, but went to work anyway and now he feels rather horrid. So I'm taking care of him, and doing the things he normally does at night. A year ago I would not have been capable of the tedious back and forth, up and down type stuff. I'd have helped him as much as I could, but he would still have had to do things for me...and he would have because he loves me (and he in fact keeps asking me if I need help). Tonight though, I can totally take care of him. That makes me smile.

I think I'm off to a pretty nice march here so far. I can see Diet Parade just around the corner up ahead. I'm having trouble planning my points out so that I don't have a ton left over at the end of the evening...but so far that seems to be it. My veggies could be better, but I got 7 servings of fruits and veggies in today...

I went to the gym and I did 55 minutes of cardio and my full circuit. Yes, I am so counting that 55 minutes as an hour! I was getting a pretty bad headache. I have been fighting a headache since last Thursday, but I have meds from last time to try and make sure it doesn't turn into a migraine again.

So I fell off for a month here, and the Monday Spring Challenge Check in's haven't been coming. I'm sorry for that, but I am going to post one tonight because I'm back and even though I've neglected...well...everything, I want to get it all straight.

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I am getting back to it! I know its late, but I am determined!
2. I again am getting better but I'm still a work in progress.
3. I went to my meeting!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. Soon! I almost went bike riding at the beach with Chad, but Uncle Freddy came a knockin' almost as soon as we realized the condo came with bikes!

Now something I like about myself. I like that I am without a doubt, resilient. Despite being down and out, or falling back I will never give up. I will be fighting this battle for the rest of my life. Nothing ends at 165lbs, life begins anew! I still have to be careful though because I know the risks of food and lifestyle choices. I will never be 400+ again, but I'll have to be mindful. And who knows? Being down and out recently could be a cyclic thing, I might have to fight this and "fake it until I make" it several times before I hit 165. Does that make it less worth it? No way. I will be riding roller coasters, wearing smaller clothes, taking care of sick husbands and having babies by the time I am done. Living life is always worth bouncing back.

Today:
2 low fat whole grain waffles: 2
w 1 serving reduced cal syrup: 2
1 banana: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving chicken tomato and potato stew: 9
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/2 serving turkey breast lunch meat: 1
1 serving mustard: 0
2 slices tomato: 0
1 slice roasted red pepper: 0
1 serving dinner (later): 9
1 slice diet cherry pepsi cake: 4
38/38

Diet Cherry Pepsi cake

1 box any reduced sugar (or not) chocolate cake
12 oz diet cherry pepsi
1 pack ff, sf, instant chocolate pudding (4 serving box)
2 egg whites
1 20 oz can cherry pie filling

Mix dry cake mix, pudding mix, egg whites, and pepsi until well blended.

Spoon mixture into bottom of prepared bundt pan.

Spoon half the can of cherries in on top.

Spoon the rest of the cake mixture on top of the cherries.

Bake as package directs (check though, mine took the lower amount of time).

After the cake cools, remove it from the bundt pan and pour the remaining pie filling over the top.

Enjoy!

Day 279

2010-06-13T23:02:00.000-07:00

So raise your glasses of ice water to bravery tonight, because I did in fact go to my meeting. For the first time in a month. I'm planning to not miss anymore. I find it gets easier to find reasons not to go the longer that you don't. I gained 3.6lbs. Not terrible considering the month, and my recklessness. I'll admit too, that at first, and especially this morning, I felt ashamed. It's hard to separate your self worth from how much you weigh. When those numbers on the scale climb, we start marking down our value. As if somehow a few extra pounds on the journey as a whole equates us to a Wal-Mart rollback item. We are better than that. I know I am, and as much as it stung to go in there and face my consequences, it was certainly freeing to put them behind me and be able to move on and feel motivated again.

This week you are going to see me kicking butt.

On a side note I have decided to slowly start moving my starting day (for weekly points and such) to Sundays. Since we are doing it slowly I am starting by moving it back to Monday, and then in a week or so I will drop it back to Sunday. That way everything, weigh ins, and points wise will correspond.

I did not eat well today! Though I started out not so bad. I counted everything! I had take out with the family tonight and the worst I've done is use some extra points.

Today:
1 yogurt: 2
1/2 subway turkey sub: 5
w cheese: 1
w mayo: 1
1 serving baked lays: 3
3/4 dinner size serving taco soup: 6
1 serving cheese: 2
1 bite cheesecake )I made a banana cheesecake for my husbands father, he has been asking for it for over a year now.): 1
1/2 cheesesteak sub (hopefully over estimations using calorieking.com): 20
1 small order frenchfries: 13
3 buffalo wings: 4
38/38 + 20/35 (weekly)

It always has bothered me to use the weeklies, but this is what they are there for. I will say though that my body does not appreciate this treatment. After working so hard this week I ate and became really ill. It was either bad food, or my body in revolt...which gave maybe half of everything back. Ick.

Day 278

2010-06-12T18:54:00.000-07:00

Early post tonight because I am going to my meeting tomorrow, and after this bad sci fi movie (Stonehenge Appocalypse on Syfy) ends I am hoping to be headed to bed.

I have grocery shopping after my meeting tomorrow, and I'm really getting kind of excited about being back on plan. Its kind of freeing. I am planning my meals and thus my choices again. Once I add the exercise back this week everything should progress again. Never say die!

Edited to add my dinner list for the week (incl my notes):

1. Chicken Fajita Pizza (on flatout?) w green beans
2. BBQ Chicken Burritos w french fries and carrots (Next week idea, make extra chicken w/ bbq and make a bbq chicken pizza!)
3. Enchilada lasagna w mixed mexican veggies
4. macaroni and spaghetti sauce w double veggies (use zuchini before it goes off!)
5. chicken tomato and potato stew (double-ish batch to have extra for lunches)

Today:
1 (dinner size) serving taco soup: 7
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crips: 2
1 ww ice cream: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving pb: 3
1 serving chicken teriyaki w 2 servings veggies: 6
1 cup brown rice: 4
28/38

I'm ten points shy, and I am kinda hungry but tomorrow is grocery day and there isn't a lot to chose from! I'll come up with something and update before I go to sleep. Maybe I'll have another serving of dinner?

Added Food:
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1 serving dinner w/o rice: 7
36/38

Day 277

2010-06-11T23:48:00.000-07:00

I was not terribly active today but I have been incredibly active this week, despite it being a slasher week. I was out walking several days in a row (on the boardwalk!) at a pretty nice clip for several hours at a time. I'm not feeling too bad about a down day at this point. Though I do have the urge to over do everything so that I don't have to face the inevitable gain I'm going to see on Sunday. I have been pretty loose for the past 2 weeks, my only salvation being that I never stopped telling myself I was on a diet and so I wasn't going overboard constantly. I have a feeling that had I been able to cultivate that mindset a long time before now I'd never have made it to over 400 lbs. You guys are right though, I have all of the tools I need to go on. Thanks for that!

Today:
1/2 turkey sub on wheat (subway): 5
w/cheese: 1
w/mayo: 1
1 serving baked lays: 3
1 small mocha iced coffee with skim milk and splenda: 3
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
2 servings soy sauce (low sodium): 1
3 tbsp teriyaki sauce: 2
1 ww ice cream bar: 2
1 (dinner size) serving taco soup: 7
1 serving cheese: 2
2 low fat whole grain waffles: 2
1 tbsp jam: 1
1 serving light syrup: 2
1 bag light popcorn: 5
38/38

Day 264 - 276

2010-06-10T23:46:00.000-07:00

This was taken on Wednesday Morning. It was hard to post this picture (I'm wearing shorts!), but it proves a major point to me. This is all worth it. I would suffer through every single part I don't like, to continue to experience the transformation that has taken place in me. I stalled recently and it really gives me some perspective here. I am happier when I am making better choices.

So this has been the longest that I have ever gone without posting. I have to admit that I have been in a bit of a funk, diet and life wise. But you knew that. Anyone reading this knew it! I suffered some intense emotional turmoil and I dropped off the diet parade route harder than I have have before. I took the last twelve days and I went on vacation, we had our car fixed, we are spraying once a week for bed bugs (which are controlled, thank God for that), and my cat is better (so far so good.). I went to the gym twice last week, but my heart still wasn't in it for real. I'm back though and I'm going to work through it all because I'm just not ready to fail. I talked before about going back to basics but I didn't then. I know it will help me though because it has gotten me back on track before, I just need to be more firm. I'm still one of those people who cant take a break from this, you know? One day off or even really one meal is too many. I did get to the point where one meal off once in a while wasn't bad, but see where I am now? That is an incredibly slippery slope. So back to basics for real I go.

I am going to be aiming to go to the gym three times a week, more is bonus. I am aiming for 180 minutes of cardio a week right now, or what ends up being an hour for every day I go to the gym.

I have to start reporting what I eat every day here on the blog because I am much more honest about it when I do. I'm also writing everything down again (and have been for about a week now) to help me stay within my boundaries.

I'm going back to getting in my veggies every single day (that I can).

No eating after 2am on every day but Saturday when I stop eating after 11pm.

Make my Meetings!!

This isn't starting over or anything like that. 12 days isn't enough to call a "do over". Its enough to take a swift kick to the butt and realize that you need to get up though. I walked the boardwalk at the ocean this week with my husband, and I was never winded or tired or hurting. 3 years ago on the same boardwalk I cried because it hurt so much to walk for so long. I have to tell you I just don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose the freedom that losing over 80lbs (so far!) has given me. The confidence alone! I am wearing shorts! Honestly! A year ago I would not have dared to wear shorts, and besides that I couldn't have bought any. Maybe at a plus size store, but for way too much money. I got these at Wal-Mart, and yes, I was over excited. I think I deserved that. Just like I deserve to keep going, and I deserve to weigh 165 pounds. So this Sunday I am going to Weight Watchers, loss or gain, and I am going knowing that I am back to making good choices.

If I missed any points or important parts, let me know. Or really if anyone wants to know anything, ask and I will answer.

Today:
2 whole wheat waffles: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 serving reduced calorie syrup: 2
1 arnolds sand: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving mashed potatoes: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 ww ice cream: 2
1 bag popcorn: 5
2 ff hot dogs: 3
2 arnolds thin hot dog rolls: 3
1 serving baked beans: 3
1 yogurt: 2
35/38

Day 263

2010-05-28T13:16:00.001-07:00

This post will include the first of my restarted food logs. But since I am posting so very early it wont be right now (4pm). I just want to talk about this while it is fresh in my mind.

I took a giant step in the right direction today I think. I know that I am stuck in a rut, I recognize that. I just haven't known what to do about it, and I've been a little afraid. I called my insurance company and I asked about my benefits and I called a therapist. Yikes. It kind of hurts to say that. I feel a little defeated though and mentally I cant seem to get over this hurdle. I know that in some way it is holding me back. I'm not going to dwell too much on this. I know that finding one can take time, and honestly even with my insurance my out of pocket will be astronomical at first. I'm going to take the process slowly and hopefully it will become an asset in the journey here. I'm not falling off of the intended path here so much as slowing my march down to a casual stroll, and I know that battles aren't won that way.

I want this, and I know I haven't been here but I do. I've gotten to a certain point and now I feel stuck. I'm not though, I just need a really good push. Please don't give up on me yet, I'm going to lose the rest of this weight, I am going to succeed. I've just got to get back to square, and whatever that means, I'm going to do it. I know some people just focus on the physical but I cant. I'm not saying that there is some terrifying underlying reason for why I swelled up over 400 pounds but I am saying that even if there are no reasons for the gain or for being okay with it for so long there is bound to be some scarring.

I'm working through it.

As Promised:

Today:
1 cup soup: 5
1 ww ice cream (it was really hot in here): 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving peanut butter: 2
2 servings jam: 3
1 serving triscuits: 2
1 huge serving lettuce: 0
1 cup chopped fresh veg: 0
2 oz chicken breast: 2
2 servings dressing: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
2 breaded wings: 7
1 serving cheesy chicken spaghetti: 7
Total: 38/38

Day 259 - 262

2010-05-27T21:13:00.000-07:00

So I am still here! I am trying to put everything back together. I haven't made too much in the way of progress for the gym, but I did finally start tracking again like I am supposed to, which is helping me eat the right things. I also should be able to start Zumba tomorrow night baring anymore emergencies. My whole life feels like it has gone haywire since we moved. I feel like everything has been trying so hard to spiral out of control! This weekend I think will be pretty slow for us, so I think it might just be the relaxation we need. Chad wants to fix the car, so I am going to make a cold pitcher of crystal light and keep him company while he does that, and then the two of us might take a trip to one of the state parks near here for a hike. I cant believe that I might take a hike. For fun. That hasn't really ever been an option for me before.

So I am going to add my food log back to my journal posts... I hope that doesn't bore you all! I have been thinking about it for a while and it really helps keep me in line when I have to report all of my food at the end of the day. Its hard to say that because everyone wants to think they get past the point of needing that kind of back up, but I'd rather take it than gain back any weight.

So in the time it has taken me to type this I have gotten two calls asking for me to A. Take someones cat to the vet tomorrow morning and B. Go to someones house RIGHT now and check to see if they turned the stove off because they are at work. Yes, this is my life and it is like this all of the time, and for all of the stress I wouldn't trade it for the world. :)

Food log sometime later tonight!

Day 258

2010-05-23T23:27:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get tired of telling every one that you are having a bad time of it? I certainly do. I feel this intense need to tell everyone about this week because I really feel shaken a little bit. Okay, maybe more than that. You know how when you are doing something as life changing as losing weight you sometimes learn some things about yourself. Sometimes they hurt, but sometimes they are also helpful. I'm not sure how much I should dwell on this past week. I know I let myself lose my footing pretty bad this week. I'm going to talk about it

A close friend of mine recently discovered that she was pregnant, and I kinda broke down. It isn't anyones fault, especially not hers. I know that I am on the right path, and that I am doing this the way that I need to. Its just really hard to wait, and work so hard and not know what the outcome is going to be. I can't control fate/God/mother nature. I can only control my actions, and my choices. I just never expect this particular issue to hit me so hard. It knocked the wind out of me. I felt and still feel a little like I am grieving for something. It isn't all bad to be so sorely tried though. You learn your strengths.

My cat being sick is stressing me the most right now. He has a blockage in his urinary tract, This is only the 2nd time it has ever happened, and the first time was over 5 years ago. The first time it happened it was pretty bad. I took him to the emergency vet in the middle of the night and for a few days they wouldn't tell me if he was going to live or not. They kept him for 9 days that time. This time though my regular vet says the prognosis is good, and that hopefully I will be able to take him home by Monday. The money is stressing me out here too, but I would make the same choice over and over.

The rest of it, the cars the possible bed bugs, the stolen bank card and my husbands absolutely last minute trip out of state are just things that either keep me up at night (bedbugs) or make me really really frustrated, and sometimes (I'm not so ashamed to say) angry.

I had a really great Saturday though. A friend of mine wanted to go to the zoo for her birthday. It was the Baltimore Zoo and not the DC Zoo (which is much bigger), but I walked the whole think with friends, and kept up without getting winded or to tired or pained. I was so proud of myself that I could have exploded into shards of sunshine. My reward? A sunburn!

I did not go to my meeting as there was no one to take me. I could have asked a friend, but this is the same friend who is dealing with just finding out she is pregnant and who took me grocery shopping. I just didn't want to impose too much.

Today is another day, and the journey goes on. Hopefully I wont being dragging behind this week! Hopefully tomorrow something will give...like getting my cat back and some of the constant stress I am feeling will lift. So don't worry too much about me. After all these years there isn't any "give up" left in me for this. All I've got left is "go".

Now it is 4:30am and I am still waiting for my husband to get home. See you tomorrow.

Day 254 - 257

2010-05-22T23:21:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to make a quick update to say sorry for the absence and that I'd be back to explain it all tomorrow. I have had a very very bad week life wise (Things I will be talking about tomorrow: Mom in California, my car broken down, Mom's car with suspended tags, husband in Connecticut very last minute, possible freaking bed bugs (which is keeping me awake all night long), someone stealing my bank card, a pregnant friend bringing forth (not her fault) some very strong feelings of grief and my cat taking a turn for the worst. If I get to take him home on Monday it will cost me at least $700, more if he needs to stay later, which means no vacation for us which was planned for a little more than a week from now.. All in one week. I tell you, I am so emotionally and mentally exhausted right now that I feel like I might finally sleep tonight. ) and my whole journey has suffered for it. Again, my motto is always never give up, and so I wont. I promise.

Day 251, 252, 253

2010-05-18T23:33:00.000-07:00

I lost two lbs this week bringing my total loss so far to 88.8 lbs!

This weekend someone very close to me received some life changing (in a good way) news, and I have been a touch preoccupied since then. Plus my cat is very sick (the one who tried to kill my laptop), and I'm a bit depressed about that. Actually this week so far, with the exception of the weight loss and the fact that my husband took a few days off to be with me, has sucked. I feel a little withdrawn. I'm working on it though.

I was supposed to start a zumba class tonight with some friends but I didn't get home from the vet until it was too late. Oh well though, I will get to go as classes go on pretty constantly, and its really great because it is pay as you go and only 5 bucks per class!

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I am getting back to it! I went to the gym twice despite this being a slasher week.
2. I again am getting better but I'm still a work in progress.
3. I went to my meeting!
4. Totally checking in right now! (late sorry!)
5. 8 (?) weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I like that I am still growing up. I like that sometimes it occurs to me that something I've just done or said or thought is more adult than I expected. It's nice to surprise yourself because honestly? I'm 27, and I still feel 23, or even 18. There are vast differences in experience and lifestyle but I'm still me. The adult moments are nice though. They even consist of making good choices in food and exercise, as the 18 year old me would have quit and gone for chinese months ago. This past weekend I let my self be tested sorely, and while I gave a little, I didn't give up. Life goes on, and I'm growing to go with it.

My husband and I have done some talking too and we both think we are way too lax on Sundays after weigh in. We are letting too much go, and it is stressing me out. So we are both recommitting to the quest, which really just consists of tightening our reigns...

Day 250

2010-05-15T22:02:00.001-07:00

Two hundred and fifty days. That is a long time for me. It is the longest I've ever kept at loosing weight before in my life. As a reward I'm given the most weight I've ever lost before, and a whole boatload of non scale victories such as: walking without pain. I wont say I've spent 250 days on plan. That would not be true, and at this point while I do not think its impossible to do, I do think its an awfully high bar to set for someone who really wants to get through the day/week/month/year. If it broke my stride to have an off day every once in a while I would not be here typing this right now. I would have given up a long time ago. I want everyone to remember that. Remember that goals are things to aspire to, and not be defeated by. Tony posted that May was a bad month for dieters, and while I don't know as much he may well be right. We do tend to lose focus and drive when we realize that things are not progressing as quickly or as well as we want them to. I will give you the one thing I know (I think, don't be mad at me for making this statement!) works for every dieter I know: Keep going. Do not stop for missteps or mistakes or for days off. Keep going even when you really really don't want to. Never stop telling yourself that you are on a diet (or whatever you want to call it) because the moment you do you are setting yourself up for quitting.

I know I keep pushing the above point, but it really is what is making the difference to me right now. It is what separates this journey from all of the other little walks I've taken toward the same outcome.

I realized another NSV today! My husband bought me a pair of jeans (that I wanted so badly) two years ago from a certain store for Christmas. They are a size 26, cut very small. I have been wearing some 26's for a while and unable to get these pants up over my thighs. Tonight while getting dressed to go out I tried them on again and not only do they fit, I can take them off without unbuttoning them!

Tomorrow is weigh in and I am finally dragging a friend to the meeting! Wish me luck!

Day 249

2010-05-15T00:16:00.001-07:00

This is me at the gym today.

That's right ladies and gentlemen! I went to the gym today, while the monthly slasher was here! I did my cardio and my full circuit. I wear sweat pants and a long sleeved t-shirt to the gym. People look at me like I'm nuts sometimes, especially right now because it was so hot in Baltimore today. I don't wear the long sleeves to cover up so much. I have worn tank tops to the gym before, I'm just more comfortable in these clothes. Why am I talking about this you ask? Because today I realized that I needed new gym pants (which conveniently I didn't think to get into the picture). I stole these from my younger brother a few years ago because they were so comfortable, but they were also so tight. There were days I would have trouble getting them on. These days if I put anything at all in my pockets they are liable to fall off of me. I know, I shouldn't be complaining, but I love these stupid pants. Though honestly nothing really fits me correctly anymore. You know that bra I bought just a few months ago? Too big. All of my underwear? Too big.

This is another NSV and its totally personal, but it is so relevant and it made me stop in shock today while I was washing my body in the shower. I can now reach every single part of my body. The whole thing. I can reach every inch with my soapy rag for the first time in many, many years. Isn't that worth skipping the drive thru? Lets keep them going? I can now get out of bed on the first try, with little to no pain at all. I fit in most (if not all) seat belts in cars now, I no longer have to explain to friends that I need the front seat because I am too fat to sit in the back. The seat belt thing? That was a big one on my list. I fit in movie theatre seats again!

So far so good. I have been sticking to my guns, and since Wednesday my food has been killer. All of my veggies are in and my points are back under control. I'm feeling pretty confident again.

I know a bunch of new people are reading now, and so welcome! If I do not have your blog listed on the side and you want it there, comment here with your blog and I will add you! We can all use the support.

Oh, and by the way: HP fixed my laptop for free, I am posting this with my lovely machine right now!

Day 246, 247, 248

2010-05-13T15:11:00.000-07:00

So after sending my laptop to HP I received a link to my order status, that not only said that my malfunction was out of warranty, but that the repair was going to cost me $398. Ouch. We cant afford that. Last night however I received a link from them again to the same page which provided a link to the tracking number for my "repaired" product, and the repair cost? Zero dollars. Wonder what is coming back to me in that Fed-Ex box? Seems a little too good to be true right? And all of this because my cat decided to urinate on my laptop. Oh yes, the litter pans were clean, and there is nothing wrong with him. He just decided that at that precise moment, it was imperative to wreck momma's day.

So I was given a reprieve Monday when the monthly slasher should have started, and I went to the gym. Tuesday it started, and that was pretty much that. Its pretty bad today also, but I think (please keep your fingers crossed) that it is lightening up. I washed my gym clothes today and hopefully with all sorts of back up I will be able to go tomorrow. I don't know that I will be brave enough to sit on any of the circuit machines, but I should be able to do cardio. I know I promised myself that I wouldn't stress over the gym when the slasher was visiting, but I don't want to slow down again, or lose any of my progress on getting back into the habit.

My food was not so great on Monday and Tuesday which probably had a lot to do with my birthday, but I got it straightened out by Wednesday and despite all of that I have gotten in all of my veggies every day this week. Progress? I think so. I also had a completely meatless day yesterday, and with the exception of a light turkey hot dog with no bread today will be the same. Not really on purpose per say, just the way meal planning fell, and really I don't think that having a meatless day or two on occasion can really be harmful. I get plenty of other protein.

The other thing I am working on right now is my sleeping pattern! Argh. Its all over the place. I either sleep too much or too little. I really need to get into bed by midnight on Saturday nights, that way I'm not dead to the world on Sunday mornings. I also find that when I get 8-9 hours a night I lose more weight...

Tonight is karaoke night so I will be getting home late, which is why I included Day 248 in this post. Tomorrow night will be Day 249 and it should get its own post!

Sometimes I feel like I don't know what to say or that I've already said too much. I don't want my lack of finesse with words to overshadow the importance of whats going on here. I am losing weight. Not always in a straight downward avalanche, but it is coming off. I'm grateful for that. Of all the things to teach me some patience, I never thought it would be this. The key to getting to goal though, I realized as this journey started. Never give up, never start over. Just keep going, no matter how agonizing it is to accept the mistakes as your own.

Day 245

2010-05-11T11:32:00.000-07:00

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I am getting back to it! I went to the gym 3 times and was pretty active for most of the week.
2. I again am getting better but I'm still a work in progress.
3. I went to my meeting!
4. Totally checking in right now! (late sorry!)
5. 9 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I like that I am a giving person. I give of myself and my time pretty constantly. It's rewarding for the most part but I find at other times I get so overwhelmed that I want to shut myself in for periods of time. I'm always afraid that I wont be able to do something I've said I was going to, be it anything from making a blog post to being somewhere on time, to making a phone call. Its a little unfair to everyone around me that I have some trouble dealing with the same kinds of stresses that everyone else does, but I'm trying. I like that I'm a giving person and that despite wanting to run home and bury myself under the covers I'm still out there. It's kind of like that with the gym too. Even though its me giving it to myself, it feels similar. And it counts because part of this journey is about learning to be good to myself.

Getting there slowly...

Day 244

2010-05-10T12:17:00.000-07:00

This is my post for Sunday! I lost 3.6 lbs! Bringing my total loss so far to 86.8 lbs and my current weight to 331.

Am I always doom and gloom? I woke up on time on Sunday morning despite having a late night and trudged dutifully to my WW meeting. On the way there I went over all of the positive changes that I was trying to make this week. I believe the reinvigoration challenge was a success. I feel better. There are still some things I really need to straighten out. My food has been a challenge in the last week, but I kept that in mind while grocery shopping after the meeting. My exercise is definitely better. Today is my birthday (I'm 27) and my gym clothes are now in the dryer. I am in fact going to work out today.

I'm proud of myself for knowing what my mental outcome would be before I stepped on the scale.

Spring Challenge update tonight!

Day 243

2010-05-08T23:29:00.000-07:00

Alrighty, so I am working some things out. All of my recipes and meal plans and logs were on my laptop which is now in a FedEx box on its way to California. So I finally set up my desktop computer. I'd forgotten how nice it actually is. Since I got my laptop I haven't used it at all really. I need to set my meal plans up and back them up online so that if something like this happens again I wont be in the dark. I realized today that part of my issue with food this week has been that I don't have my laptop. I know that sounds strange, but normally I am so organized about my food. I realized today that I have only cooked once this week. Once. Normally I cook every single night. No wonder my food has been off. I hate that it is such simple things can wreck me. So now I am adapting. I set the bigger computer up, and while it isn't as portable (at all) I should burn some calories going up and down the stairs to use it.

I didn't go to the gym today, but I don't usually go on Saturdays. I'm okay with my week so far. I feel like I made a lot of really positive steps in the right direction. I'm still afraid to go to that meeting tomorrow. I feel like I am going to maintain. My food was bad this week, and tonight was my birthday celebration. I have to tell you though: I was really good. Did I have a few drinks? Yes, but only 2 1/3, and I checked the weight watchers points (4 points for a "sex on the beach") on them before I went. I had a single piece of cake. There were a few bites here and there, but nothing that should put me over the edge. I also stopped eating and drinking (except diet soda, its karaoke after all) after 11pm which is one of my oldest rules for Sunday.

I am so freaking proud of myself for all of the above. I do not want to go weigh in tomorrow morning, but I will. I will go knowing that coming back strong. I dont like feeling like it will be another maintain this week, but I have to be honest about that. I have to get it out there to cushion the blow if it does happen. Either way, I'll be okay. Maybe I'll even set a loss goal for next week.

*Also, now that I have a working computer again I will go back and read all of the blogs that I've missed! Sorry guys!

Day 242

2010-05-08T01:22:00.000-07:00

I got back to the gym again today and I'm really proud of myself because I got my circuit back up to where it was before I stopped going to the gym. I did a full circuit today plus one set on each machine including the ones that I wasn't doing more on before. My cardio is still at 40 minutes, but the machine tells me that I burned 740 calories today, so I'm not sad.

I'm hoping to get back to the gym tomorrow before they close, and before karaoke! We are doing an extra session in celebration of my birthday!

My food still isn't on par with the past. As long as the gym is under control I really need to work on that. This is really dragging me down and keeping me stuck in the 330's.

Today at the gym I found myself thinking about jogging again. I found myself wondering how safe it would be for someone my size, and then I started worrying about my ankles. You see, we used to walk the track, and there would be times when my legs would feel so tense. Not in pain or anything, but I really felt like I wanted to run. I felt that way at the gym today too. I remember being a kid and running and back then it felt really good. It was like opening my body up and really working out the kinks. I really want that feeling back. I have bad ankles as of right now though. I don't know that they will be bad once I lose the weight, so who knows? I shouldn't already be worrying. Though at least I'm worried about being able to run once I lose the weight and not how I could feel if I didn't. Because I know I will. I just need to get out of this rut once and for all!

All sides have to work together on this! I need to put myself back together already! Wish me strength, and hope with me that this is the last week I spend bouncing around in the 330's.

Day 241

2010-05-07T02:45:00.000-07:00

Where do I get off forgetting how hectic Thursdays are around here?

There was no gym today, and I did forget for a moment that I promised myself no gym on Thursdays. It was probably because I thought going during the day would make it easier to do on a Thursday. Then when I got up, no one was home, and there was no car.

It's okay though. I'm not really feeling so off anymore. My weekend is going to be hectic, but I've a little bit a steel in me right now. I will not go off plan, and I will hit the gym Friday and possibly Saturday morning.

Currently I am up baking a surprise birthday cake for my little brother. Since money is short and I had most of the supplies I figured it would make his day at least.

What I learned today? It isn't so much what I learned as what I remembered. I shouldn't hurt myself over things I can not change. I should instead focus on the things I can. Like getting this weight off of my bones. I will succeed because of the things I do, not the things I haven't.

Day 240

2010-05-06T01:08:00.000-07:00

This is going to be rather short! It is late and I am tired!

I went to the gym again today and I have plans to go tomorrow. I went early like I said I would and you know what? It was a lot better than going late at night. I felt like I had the rest of the night to do the things I needed to do and I did not feel rushed and frustrated.

On the other hand my food was out of control today. I ate dinner out with my brother and some friends and I went over my points for the day.

Something that I have learned? I'm not going to succeed if I do not start strict tracking again. Before my laptop broke I was tracking on that, which was making me lax. Now that I don't have that at the moment I totally lost it! So tomorrow I will drag out the old marble copy book and get back down to business.

Day 239

2010-05-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

After getting up today I threw my gym clothes in the washer, and I went to take a shower. After getting out of the shower I went and threw my clothes in the dryer and then I napped while they dried. Why am I telling you all this?

Because that is what I was doing while fighting myself over going to the gym. It was a pretty epic and pathetic battle consisting of me, wobbling back and forth in my commitment shoes. I went to the gym. I did my full circuit, and 40 minutes on the elliptical. I am trying not to feel guilty about not doing a whole hour. I fell off of the exercise wagon and it is going to take me a little time to get back to where I was.

Tomorrow I am going to experiment by going to the gym early. Like as soon as I get up. I'm wondering if that wont help me because when it starts to get late, all I want to do is relax and detox my day. I wont be able to go early every day because of transportation, but it will be nice to alleviate some of my stress there too. Once my husband fixes my car I will no longer be relying on my moms car for transportation there! If you can feel me glaring at my husband...it's because I am.

Today I learned that I still want it, bad. But I learned that I get ahead of myself. I try too hard to go too fast and I end up very disappointed. Today I took my time and got my workout done, and that simple act has made me feel so much lighter. In the past couple of weeks I have let this parade get really out of control, but I feel like I'm getting my grip back. I saw someone new at the gym today making use of one of the personal trainers. She was very heavy, and seemed about my age. She looked so tired and so sad, and I just wanted to hug her and tell her that she wasn't alone, and that I felt the same exact way. Then I would have told her that it gets better every single day I stick to my guns and do what I need to. I would have told her she could do this, even though right now all she probably wanted was a diet coke and a comfy couch. The couch will feel even better later, after you kick your own butt. I didn't run up and interrupt her session, because I probably would have freaked her out (it would have freaked me out.). I'm cheering her on though, silently. It was like getting a really clear look in the mirror. Sometimes when I have to come here and report what I feel like are failures, its really hard. I feel like an impostor, or a pretender to the crown, but the truth is that there is no crown, and I'm human. This is not a race. A race implies that we know where were are going and that the road is mapped out before us. That is not the case here. This is a journey in the fullest (Tolkien style if you will) sense of the word. It is full of ups and downs and self discoveries that we might have previously thought unimaginable. It takes time to flesh out all of the intricacies that brought us to the beginning of something like this. There are no kings, or queens, only travelers, and the most notorious enemy we have to face is ourselves.

I did not get in all of my veggies today, but on the whole I had a good day. I do not feel as stressed, and I have a busy week ahead of me. My brother turns 23 on Friday and I turn 27 on Monday. Yesterday, despite my atempt to keep my head above water positivity wise, I sank. Today I feel like I'm swimming again.

Stay with me, I'm gaining back ground here.

*Also you might have noticed that I stopped posting my daily food. I wasn't sure that that was an important part here but if anyone else thinks so I will gladly put it back!

Day 238

2010-05-03T22:55:00.000-07:00

Remember yesterday when I said I would paint myself in positivity? My laptop wont turn on, and I am so upset about it that I honestly want to throw up. I know that sounds stupid, but it took me a long time to pay for it, and I have this immense fear that I will not be able to replace it. I have a warranty and HP is sending me a box, but it got something splashed on it and I'm not covered for accidental damage. I don't know if it was the splash, but I can guess.

I want to go ahead with being positive, but I feel like I cant catch a break here.

I don't have a weigh in for you for the first time in a while. My husband and I both slept through the meeting. We don't really spend a lot of time together during the week and our weekends are becoming increasingly busy. So on Saturday night we made the mistake of sitting up way to late talking, and kind of catching up. We don't know if our alarm didn't go off, or if we slept through it for over an hour, because that's how long it takes to turn itself off. That was then, and now I am putting it behind me.

Today, as step one, I caught up on all of the chores that were stressing me out here at the house. The ones that keep me glued to the house out of anxiety, instead of going to the gym. It took me all day, and was a lot of work, but I do feel better about that. Next to get back into doing a little bit each day and not procrastinating until after the gym, at which time I am always too tired. I definitly got my foot in the door today and it makes me feel accomplished. I still have laundry to do, but it doesn't make me feel overwhelmed and frozen.

Tomorrow I will be able to get up, go about my day and when it comes time to go to the gym, I should be ready to go.

One thing that I have learned about myself over the coarse of this journey which ties into the above is that if I am stressed I break down. My whole process suffers from eating to exercising to sleeping. So I am going to begin to take steps to make my life much less bumpy. I'm going to do more planning ahead, and I am going to learn to budget my time better. Not only have I learned this, but I am still in the process of learning it and doing something about it! I wanted to do something about the stress first because it is a big roadblock for me.

Spring Challenge Check In!

So this past week was bad, but this week will be better. I believe I failed on all accounts, except for the checking in today. I'm not going to dwell on that though, I am going to take a page out of Loretta's book: I am back, and so I am going to let my actions and words not only prove that, but guide me. Can I be depressed? Sure, I'm not sure I can avoid it. I can, however, avoid letting it drive this parade right into a ditch. Besides, my scale said I was down this week, and though I cant count on it, I appreciated the boost.

Something I like about myself: I like that I am determined to succeed. I am no stranger to starting over again and again and again only to all deeper into that hole. I'm not starting over and haven't yet. I feel like these struggles are part of the process and I'm ready to push past them now!

Day 235, 236, 237

2010-05-03T00:46:00.000-07:00

This is going to be short, which I know isnt fair since I missed 3 days of posts. Especially considering the nature of the last post. Tomorrows post for the challenge will be much longer and there will be some explanation for all the missed days and then finally somehow with or without ritual I will put the last few months (even with the downward trend still in existence) behind me.

Over the next week, while whipping my life back into order and taking some very, very important me time (WHILE going to the gym) I am going to revisit my older posts, and my misplaced passion. My goal for the week, in addition to meeting my goals for the Spring Challenge, is to post about one important thing I have learned so far each day for seven days. I'm going to call it the Re-invigoration Challenge... It's a one week thing to get myself re-motivated and rededicated. You know, like spirit week when you were in high school where you painted yourself in school colors and spent the week extolling the greatness of your academy. I'm going to "paint" myself in positivity for the week.

We have some financial issues right now, among other stresses and so it isn't going to be easy, but at some point I have to adapt and cope through sheer force of will because I will not give up.

Day 233, 234

2010-04-29T23:51:00.000-07:00

Okay guys. I am honestly struggling now. I am not "off the wagon" or anything but I am having a heck of a time "feeling it". I am discouraged because of my own actions and I cant seem to get my head out of the mud (or my butt honestly whichever you think seems more right).

I have had a strange week. I have been busy almost every day this week and unable to go to the gym, but its like I was telling my mom: "I'm feeling incredibly unmotivated and its like life just keeps throwing excuses at me!"

I don't really have any defense other than "something is quite obviously wrong" but even that sounds like a cop out. Something has been wrong for a long time and I've managed until recently! My mom used to tell me when I was younger and was neglecting something that I claimed to be important to me that it "Must not be important enough." That isn't true this time though. It is important. Its getting to me in a big way. I've come so far and I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a giant abyss about to jump of the edge.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm not ready to give up, and I don't want to give up. I need to get my priorities straight and get back to it. If only it we as easy as just telling myself to do it! Remember when I said I had a habit of sabotaging myself? I meant it, and I feel like what I need is constantly at odds with what I feel like I want at any given moment. Where is the self control and self discipline that I worked so hard at over these last 9 months? It certainly didn't all go to dust at that first stumble.

I will go to the gym tomorrow and I will lose more weight. I don't know what Sunday is going to be like at my weigh in and honestly for the first time in a while, I'm afraid to know. I'm not over my points and haven't been yet, but I wasn't last week either.

I feel at an end here in one way or another. I have to chose to move on and get moving or I am in essence choosing to fail. I will never choose to fail again, so that leaves one outcome. Please bear with me.

This Sunday I am going to sit through the new member portion of the meeting again. Back to basics has worked for me before, so its back to basics I go. I'm being honest here and putting myself out there. I'm telling you guys that the road has gotten hard for me because it helps me leave it behind. It also makes it easier to come back here. I have been dreading this, how to say that I am struggling again, but then maybe I'm just still struggling. Perhaps the whole thing is a struggle? I'm not sure, but I want to keep going the way I was, and leave this weight behind. The fact that I am struggling has been keeping me awake at night, tearing myself apart to find the broken pieces, and that is not healthy. It isn't what I want.

I used to feel guilty for doing so well when other people were struggling. Now I hope someone like me reads this and gets as far along as they can without looking back.

Tonight at karaoke I was getting a refill on my diet soda and this guy randomly comes up behind me and tells me to go with water and lemon. I'm like "okay, but I feel bad sitting here all night taking up room at the bar and drinking nothing." I don't drink very much soda at all. My soda days are Thursdays and generally only at night at karaoke. The rest of the time its crystal light and water. Then he says: "Diet soda is even worse then regular, you should drink water with lemon it will burn the calories right off of you." ...Now he was drunk, and I'm really good at just letting things go, and being rational. This guy has never met me before and doesn't know who I am or what I've done. I was okay then, but sitting here at home thinking about it makes me cry. It makes me feel like the same girl who was sitting in wal-mart wondering if this was the end of her world. It makes me feel like I haven't done anything yet. It makes me feel raw, and it makes me want to come here and get this off of my chest. I will never weigh over 400 lbs again, I do not care how long it takes me to get the rest of this weight off. I will never be that desperate, helpless and sad girl ever again. That dude can seriously stuff his "water with lemon."

Today:
1 banana: 2
1 cup coffee w/cream: 3
2 bites mac and cheese: 1
1 cup mixed veg: 1
1 serving enchilada: 9
1 banana: 2
2 servings ww mac: 7
1 serving spaghetti sauce: 1
1 100 cal pack: 1
AFTER KARAOKE (6 hours later):
2 servings pasta: 7
another serving sauce: 1
1 slice cheese: 1
36/40

I don't usually drink coffee but I was babysitting at an early hour (for me) this morning, and I needed it!

Day 232

2010-04-27T21:47:00.000-07:00

I did not go to the gym today in order to take someone to visit a dying loved one. It wasn't planned, and honestly? You cant plan for those things.

I have an appointment in the evening tomorrow so my goal is to get to the gym in the early after noon and go to my appointment sweaty! Oh yeah. But I need to get there.

I started my self re-evaluations today. Number one: I am seriously stressing about something I haven't yet narrowed down. Yeah, I know I always stress, but it doesn't generally keep my from sleeping and recently I've found myself fighting old habits...like I somehow found myself standing in front of the fridge doors open, looking intently inside before I woke up. I used to do that when I was distracted by stress. Food would distract me from it. So I need a way to distract myself from this stress while it works itself out. Two: I seriously need to revisit measuring everything. I don't mean cups and such, I do that generally anyway, but I've gotten lax about the little measurements. Mayo, spices, sauces etc. They count too. And three: I need to go to the gym whether I feel like it or not. Yeah, sometimes life is going to get in the way, but I find myself making excuses more often than I'd like. It doesn't help that I have been feeling less than 100 percent for quite a while now. I feel like this is connected either to changing hormones or stress. Again, I do have a physical coming up. I really need to get to writing down all of the things I wanted to talk to my doctor about.

I also still need to get better about tracking consistently again. It helps me more than I can express and I definitely lose more when I do. No downside, so just do it Ruby!

Ah, the never ending emotional and physical spiral of a weight loss journey. I'm confident about making it to the finish line, but I have a feeling that I am going to be fighting my way there.

Sorry for the short post guys! I am exhausted!

Today:
1 1/2 servings chicken pot pie: 11
1 veg burger: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 bag frozen veggies turned into quick veggie curry: 5
1 serving chips: 4
1 banana: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving hamburger soup: 7
1 slice cheese: 1
1 fruit bar: 2
40/40 + 1/35

Day 230, 231

2010-04-26T22:34:00.000-07:00

So after this post, posts will go back to being once a day again for the most part.

On Sunday at weigh in I gained 0.2lbs. I think the party on Saturday and the sodium involved had a bunch to do with it, and I could complain and shake my fist but honestly? It wasn't a great week. I had a really hard time motivating myself to go to the gym and work out, and then my sleep went haywire. I was finally able to sleep last night. I do not know what kept me awake for so long. It could be stress (like everything else is), but it hasn't ever happened like that before. I had this pain in my neck and one shoulder and I couldn't get comfortable and then my brain just. would. not. shut. up. I'm hoping that this was an isolated event and that it wont happen again. Not sleeping was horrible, I felt like a zombie, numb but mobile somehow. I took today off too (just from the gym) to get myself back together after being a head case for 3 days.

I think I am still having some trouble with getting back onto the groove of everything here. I keep losing my focus in day to day life. I think I need to go back to my rules, or perhaps re-evaluate them. Our meeting this week was about what was keeping us from success and I have been thinking a lot about that. My environment is not it. I think my environment is pretty conducive to my diet, especially now that I've moved. Some of it is my friends, but not all of them. I have trouble saying no, and some of them have trouble accepting or dealing with what I am trying to do. My time management and planning have something to do with it too. I end up late or I end up running out of time (like on Thursdays) and I never plan for a successful outcome. These are some of the things the WW booklet mentions, but honestly? Its me. I am the one who has trouble saying no, and budgeting my time. I never thought I was the kind of girl who gives in to social pressure (Never tried smoking, never done any drugs not even experimenting, and I don't really drink.), I don't even take a lot of tylenol. Food though? It has this hold on my feelings and emotions. It's connected to my sense of comfort and belonging and even love. That is pretty powerful. I'm in wonder of those people (and there are some!) who can make this long journey without addressing their psyche.

So for those of you who are new here or just new to this blog: Am I failing because I maintained/gained this week? No way! I am still over 83lbs down! Like I said before, a stumble or failure doesn't have to be the end. It is an inevitable part of a very long journey, and this wasn't even a stumble. Some of you are reading me now for motivation, so I wanted to say if you take anything from my blog I want it to be the ability to just keep going! It takes 6-8 weeks to make something a habit and so much less time to screw that back up. Most of us give up before we can even get into the groove which may not be that much easier, but it so worth it. We get paid for our results. We get to live and breathe a little longer and little more comfortably.

I have discovered (just now it hit me) that my biggest problem is that I have put a time limit on how long I want it to take me to lose weight. I gave myself 2 years. I'll be 28/29 and I want to have children so I gave myself this mental finish line. My body does what it has to and I lose weight at the speed of my commitment which isn't going to be the same every day. I'm human you know? I want to get it off in two years, but honestly? I still have a long road to travel and the idea that I'm setting myself back time wise every time I don't lose weight is making me crazy. So: No more time crunch. I still want the weight off fast, but more than that I just want it off. Wow, what a random epiphany.

I'm going to come back strong this week. I feel like a woman on a mission here. I will lose more weight!

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I did not go to the gym enough this week, but I did go twice.
2. I did pretty well again this week, but I took Sunday off food and exercise wise as I was pretty much dead to the world and needed the break from thinking...about anything.
3. I went to my meeting! I've hit every one since the start of the challenge breaking a streak of missing them pretty often!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 9 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I like that suddenly I have motivation and dreams again! Before my only dream (the only one I had left after gaining so much weight killed the rest) was to have children...then the weight killed that dream too. So I struck out at it in what I felt like was the last time I might even ever try. I had pretty much had it with everything at that moment. I started gaining ground and losing weight and suddenly I started feeling like there were more possibilities in my life. I feel like I have more open outcomes than I ever have before. It feels freeing, and that's what I'm after: Being free.

Today:
1 serving pasta: 3
1 serving veg sauce: 2
second serving: 6
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1 tbsp olive oil: 3
1 serving black bean sauce: 2
1 fruit bar: 2
1 serving fruit snack: 3
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 serving chicken pot pie: 7
1 yogurt: 2
1 (later) serving chicken pot pie: 7
40/40

Day 227, 228, 229

2010-04-25T03:58:00.000-07:00

Today is my weigh in day, but it isn't for another few hours. I was going to save this bulk update for tonight, but I will just make my Day 230 update then. I need to talk about how this week is going.

Bad. My food is pretty good, but my exercise is down, though I went to the gym twice this week. I have not slept since Wednesday night. Thursday was karaoke. I went home after and went to bed. I fell asleep and 2 hours later I woke up and could not go back to sleep. This is turning into a pattern, and it isn't for lack of being tired. I haven't had this much trouble sleeping since way before I got married. Friday I had a lot of cooking to do for a function for that convention I help run. Then tonight (Saturday) was the function/party and I was on my feet for a bunch of it. I should be dead tired right? Yes, I am, but I cant seem to hit the magic button that turns my brain off for the night. I have weigh in and grocery shopping today and I am so non-functional that I'm useless at the moment. I also have a date planned with my husband that I may postpone.

I want to tell you all about how the party's theme was Deep Frying, and how I managed to avoid most of the bad foods, and how different I would have handled the whole thing a year ago, but I cant seem to get the words to come out right today. I'm just tired.

Anyway, please wish me ~~luck~~ energy for weigh in and my day. I need the boost!

Day 226

2010-04-21T21:46:00.000-07:00

This week is not going so well on the exercise front. I have been feeling sort of weighed down. It could be the weather, its been a little gloomy here in Baltimore. I haven't been sedentary though. I kinda wanted to talk about that difference in myself here. Not just so you guys can see it, but also so that I can, because I want the proof staring me in the face when I am being wishy-washy about the gym.

At 417.8lbs I could not walk all of the way through the grocery store without a break. I could not stand for the whole time it took me to do my dinner dishes. I could not walk my dogs. I could not sweep my floor, or tote my laundry up and down the stairs. I could not sleep comfortably next to my husband in my own bed. I had trouble putting my own socks and shoes on. Once on a trip the the DC Zoo with friends I cried on my way back to the entrance because I could not breathe and I was in so much pain I wasn't sure I'd make it back. If there was an outing with friends anywhere that meant walking I was likely to back out. Back in March of '09 I could not walk 1/2 of a mile on the track without pain, and I could not do more than 1.8 on a treadmill for longer than 10 minutes.

These days, despite my occasional bouts of laziness I can do most of the above quite well. And while I have not been back to the DC Zoo recently I am planning to go back. I can clean my house by myself and dance intermittently (which I did today) while doing so! I can put my shoes and socks on with almost no trouble, and I randomly walk my dogs (not so often as they are all well over 60lbs and the small one has pulled me right out of my shoes before!). I can do dishes while cooking, and without sitting down, and sometimes while putting away groceries. I can walk all of the way through 3 grocery stores in a row, and I don't have to sit down, ever. I can do over 2 miles on the track, and 2.8 on the treadmill for an hour or more. I have since moved on to the elliptical which has been kicking my butt ever since! As for sleeping comfortably? Almost every night.

I'm getting there... Now will someone please motivate me to go to the gym this week?

Today:
1 serving cereal: 3
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 can soup: 3
2 slices cheese: 3
1 banana: 2
1 bag frozen vegetables: 0
1/6 (maybe) serving sliced almonds: 1
1 serving black bean sauce: 1
2 servings rice crisps: 5
1 serving meatloaf: 7
1 serving green beans: 0
1 baked potato: 3
1 serving yammy pumpkin pudding: 4
1 bag popcorn: 5
40/40

I got in 10-11 more servings of veggies today! I'm never sure about frozen veggies...the bad says a certain amount of servings but it never seems to come out that way...

Day 225

2010-04-21T00:12:00.000-07:00

OOPS! Tonight's post is going to be very short because I almost forgot to do so! I had put the laptop away and was getting ready for bed when I realized my lapse!

I made it to the gym today for a bit of a paired down workout. I finished my whole circuit but skimped on the cardio tonight. I got to the gym late and then my poor husband who is incredibly supportive was having such a bad time, he was so uncomfortable and felt so out of place. So I put him out of his misery by giving it up a little early. I was shocked he gave in and went with me, but he really is always very supportive, though now I have been spending time trying to convince him that he is still a pretty strong guy despite the fact that I lift more on a nautilus machine... I'm actually very sweetly amused.

My food was again really good today, enchiladas are becoming a family favorite here now...and I'm glad. First of all I can seriously pack two servings of fruits and veggies in there, second, they are a pretty good size serving, and third, we love spicy!

Today:
1 serving doritos (I was weak): 4
1 banana: 2
1 serving cereal: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 tbsp ff ranch: 1
2 serving steamed veggies (incl corn): 1
1 serving enchilada stuffing: 4
1 whole wheat wrap: 2
1 cup rice: 4
1 bag popcorn: 5
2nd enchilada (incl wrap): 6
leftover rice: 2
1 veggie burger: 2
1 100 cal pack: 1
41/40

I used 1 extra point today, but I got in 11 servings of fruits and veggies today! I'm pretty shocked, I didn't realize I was eating so many!

Day 224

2010-04-20T00:17:00.000-07:00

It was a strange day today. I didn't get to the gym so tomorrow will be my first day back, but I danced for a bit, cleaned my house and then my husband and I walked after dinner. We went to subway for dinner tonight at my request. I fell on my glasses today and bent them so that they don't really fit on my face...so as I was trying to prep dinner tonight they kept falling off and I was getting really frustrated.

I did get a nice surprise today though. I had asked my husband to take the day off today because we really didn't get a lot of time together this weekend, and we spent a bit of that arguing (we don't really argue, its more my moods swinging than anything else honestly). Honestly we spend most weekends now running errands and doing things with other people. We almost never get alone time anymore, and I will admit that I've been a little emotional about it (and that it was most of what we were arguing about all weekend). He could not get today off though, and he felt bad about it, and I was disappointed. So tonight he came home and handed me a note that said: "a coupon for you, because you're super awesome of course!" And inside it said: "good for one day off of work." So I looked at him and started to tell him that it was sweet and he told me to read the fine print...At the bottom of the note written really small it said: "I took tomorrow off."

I love my husband. I'm going to repay him by making him go to the gym with me tomorrow!

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I did not go to the gym at all this week and was a lot less active than usual, but it didn't hurt me and I'm not (that) upset about it.
2. I did pretty well again this week, I even chose to get the salad bar at Chucky Cheese!
3. I went to my meeting and lost weight!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 10 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I like that I have a great capacity for love. I love people and animals, sometimes to the detriment of myself. I sometimes give more than I should emotionally and sometimes even physically or financially (especially in terms of my cats). Sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed, but at the end of the day I would not change a thing. The rewards (love in return) are worth it.

Today:
2 crab cakes: 6
2 tbsp mango chutney: 2
1 cup green beans: 0
1 arnolds sand: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 tbsp light ranch: 1
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 can soup: 5
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 yogurt: 1
1 subway sub (w/mayo and cheese): 14
1 serving sunchips: 4
1/2 cookie: 1
39/40

I actually got to 8 servings of veggies today! It looks like (according to my online points tracker) I only need 8 now! That's one less to worry about!

Day 221, 222, 223

2010-04-18T15:55:00.000-07:00

Sorry to have missed posts for Friday and Saturday! I did say it was a busy weekend. There were tons of errands to run, I am cat sitting for friends at another house, grocery shopping, a 3 year old's birthday party (at Chucky Cheese) including gift shopping, and transporting said child and family to and from (I don't mind! Just explaining why I haven't posted until now.) When I got up this morning for my weigh in I was ready to cry! I was so tired I was feeling silly. I went to my meeting, but I did not stay for the walk after. I wanted to, I even brought my shoes with me, but by the time the meeting was over I was ready to go home, I still had to go grocery shopping and I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. I don't feel too bad about not staying to walk after, I still made the meeting despite feeling like I was duct taped to the bed.

So without further ado: I had a great week. I had great food, and I stayed right on top of my points. I had to since the monthly slasher was here and I wasn't able to exercise. This week I lost 5.4lbs total, bringing my total loss to 83.4lbs and my current weight to 334.4lbs.

I need to tell you guys, when the lady behind the desk gave me the results I was happy, I was relieved even. I was like "Okay, we stuck our landing, now lets keep moving." Then I sat down and opened the little tracker book that WW gives you and I lost it a little. I cried, just a little. I was sitting there trying not to embarrass myself, and wiping away tears. No one noticed thank goodness, I wasn't crying hard or anything, I was just teary eyed.

I can still remember how I felt when I realized I was over 400lbs for real. I remember not being able to get pregnant and giving in to the knowledge that I had no chance if I didn't lose weight, not to mention I could die, also for very real. I remember how defeated I felt when I asked for birth control and went to the mall to weigh myself on one of those "pay" scales that go up to 500lbs. The scale in the Dr's office only went to 400lbs. I remember sitting in Wal-Mart right after that waiting for my prescription to be filled and crying. I didn't feel like I had a path at all. I wasn't sure I could do what needed to be done. I had no clothes, I hardly fit in the drivers seat of a car, and walking through the grocery store was enough to make me cry. Everything was so hard already that I could not imagine a world in which I might lose weight for good. I felt so desperate and hopeless. I wish I had some beautiful and poignant way to say that I was already dying, but I cant. It wasn't beautiful, it was ugly, and it was sad. It was not what I expected from this life.

So today when I sat down in the seat in the back of the meeting (I was a minute or two late, and its a big group) and opened my little tracker and saw, not just how much I lost, but how much I weighed, there on paper, printed from a WW computer as a permanent record...it struck me hard. I was suddenly so grateful. Now that is beautiful and profound! This was one of those moments where you just get it, you know? You know you are going to make it, you know you are going to get to the place you are struggling so hard to get to. You know that all of the times you fall down add up to squat compared to the all the good you have done. You may just have saved your own life. And yeah, its that serious. I feel wonderful today.

Chad and I had a large brunch out today before grocery shopping, which will mean I am going to use some extra points today, but that's alright. He and I haven't been out together alone in quite a while, and it was really nice to just have a not rushed, uncomplicated meal. Dinner tonight is going to be homemade crab cakes with homemade (yeah I'm proud!) mango chutney, and baked yams. I will post my food log before I go to bed!

Also, tomorrow is the Spring Challenge Check in!

And a picture of last nights group from karaoke! I'm the one in jeans and a black shirt 2nd from your left:

Day 220

2010-04-15T23:55:00.000-07:00

So between my friend and my husband we managed 3 more cats tonight! I'm relieved. They hate taking pills and they fight so hard...also the pills as they disolve in the cats mouth, make them foam at the mouth! Not in a rabid sort of way or anything, just the pills make them drool if not swallowed quickly! They will get over it!

Tonight was karaoke night! It was great, we had a great time, again no drinking for me. I did break my rule tonight though, about eating after two...my points were only 12 before karaoke. So I ate dinner after, and had a snack to get me up a little higher. I worry only a little sometimes about throwing my body into starvation mode, but this doesn't happen a lot. I have a busy weekend coming up and if I can just keep my food really good (and by really good I do not mean eating less! I mean eating enough! You know, 41 points!) I know I will see a loss!

Also, I am toying with the idea of finding a band to sing with once I drop this weight. My confidence has already come so far...I mean, why not? I do love it so very much, and other people (not just friends so its not just out of love!) tell me I'm good. I think even if it went no where at all it would be a fun and worthwhile experience! Maybe that will inspire the courage in my to finally get my teeth worked on...it would be about time. Look at me! Lose a little weight and I'm all inspiration and courage. Pfft. Wish I could have seen that a few weeks ago when I was down in the dumps hiding my head in the mud!

Today:
1 serving cereal: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving white chicken chili: 9
1 cup grapes: 1
22/41

Day 219

2010-04-14T22:48:00.000-07:00

Today was another slowish sort of day. The monthly slasher flick is still here in all its glory. I wasn't sedentary today though. I did a lot of chores around the house that I had been neglecting. I then spent 3 hours trying to get my cats to take a pill. Yeah, let me tell you, even the fattest of the spoiled rotten fluff balls will turn into a classically trained ninja on the occasion that they might need to take a pill. I have some new scars, and less than half of the little beasts are done! I tried tuna, I tried cream, I gave up for the night. We will resume this battle tomorrow night...so if anyone has any ideas...?

My food was good today, but a little strange there at the end which you will see. I made dinner and I was doing the dishes as it was finishing up. I then dried my hands and made my brother's plate-which I then accidentally flung to the floor. Ah yes, the ups and downs of only making enough food. If I make more than the 4 servings that should be eaten I'll have leftovers right? If I manage to not pick at them until they are gone, or just have a second serving. It's generally easier for me (minus the accidents) to make just enough, then there is no choice to make. I instead choose to make a habit of making only enough. So after salvaging what I could of my brothers serving, I opted to have half and give him the rest.

I'm sorry I'm so boring right now! I did do a bad thing though. I got on the scale this morning...I know I shouldn't have. I really should only weigh myself once a week on Sunday. It always throws me off, but I did it anyway. My scale shows me at 4lbs down since Sunday...which could mean nothing come Sunday, but it was a boost for sure!

Today:
1 serving brown pasta: 3
1 serving chicken: 4
1 serving cereal: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 tbsp ranch: 1
1 serving bean soup: 4
1/2 serving gnocchi florentine: 4
1/2 serving ww cheese: 1
25
1 serving chicken and sauce over wheat pasta: 7
1 100 cal pack: 1
most of a bag of popcorn: 4
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
41/41

I'm a little short on fruits and vegetables today, I barely made it to 7 servings. I meant to have some grapes but the cat thing stressed (not to mention I'm just going to be stressed out all week over not being able to really exercise...and yes I am working on letting it go!) me out and I went right for the nutella! Eek!