137.6 Pounds Gone For Good

So as all of you know, I have been in and out of blogging and weight loss my entire life. The first time I wrote in this blog my highest weight was 417 pounds on September 9th 2009. I don't want to talk about why I gave up. Everyone has a story, something that took priority. No matter what it is it isn't worth it. I promise. My lowest weight before I gave up on myself and sunk into depression was 323.2. I gained back everything, and my starting weight this time back on June 2nd 2014 was 460 pounds. The heaviest and most unhappy I have ever been.

I couldn't breathe, I didn't go out. I was afraid I would embarrass my husband or not keep up with my friends. Traveling was horrible, I always worried about if I would fit somewhere or if I was too heavy for anything. I love myself, and I love who I am. Some of what I love I think I wouldn't have had I gone through life at a normal weight. So I take the good with the bad. I have some terrible self esteem issues and self image issues. The language I use with myself even now is so negative sometimes that I have to stop myself and start over.

So, on or around the week preceding June 2nd 2014 my close knit group of friends were talking about weight loss. They wanted to get fit, and they were talking about using each other as support. At first I balked. I just knew somehow I would never make up the road that I had lost so many years before. I felt so ashamed and so worthless. I thought it didn't matter, as though I'd had and squandered my only chance to be healthy.

One of the other holdouts in my group finally gave in and she said she's start tomorrow. I read her sentence and something came over me. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the lifetime of tomorrows that I had let slip through my fingers. Maybe it was knowing that if I stayed in the mindset I was in, it would always be tomorrow and never today. I knew it needed to be today. So I joined them, right there in the moment.

I went back to Weight Watchers for a meeting on June 2nd 2014, and as of this past Monday I weighed 322.4. Total loss so far: 137.6

I am going all of the way this time!

I am going to revamp my blog here, I have so much to talk about, and at least 162.4 pounds left to lose.

I've already renamed the blog appropriately. I will probably post once a week this time around, as my life so so very busy these days and I feel like I can commit to that.

Feb 2014

March 2015

Look out for more changes!

Day 37 - 44

I'm back!

Well, I never really left. I just worked my butt off for a convention and went right from that into babysitting for a week while friends went to another convention. My whole body is still sore from all of the work we did, and I'm still short on sleep. Putting my feet on the floor on Monday morning was horrible. 

My food has really suffered and I haven't yet come out of what feels like a tail spin. I guess this is me checking my controls and getting myself back up in the air. I'm going to be starting tracking again tomorrow and I even went to my meeting on Monday. So I really haven't given up or quit. Just bear with me through this.

I went to my first therapy session this past Tuesday too. I'm taking big steps here, I just still feel like a broken cog in a giant wheel that doesn't actually need me. She told me that she thinks I am a sponge. I absorb everyone elses "stuff" and take a back seat in my own life. She said that I take one back seat after another until I'm not even on the bus anymore...and THAT, that made me cry. It's so true. I wonder if I am dealing with how much I hate myself by trying to make myself important to other people. Not that I can't be taken advantage of in my kindness, but perhaps I have a real problem. She didn't say that, or allude to anything like that but she did say that she thinks there is a "thing" in me somewhere with my self esteem. 

Therapy is hard, guys. I've only been to one session and I'm a little intimidated. I wonder if I am giving an accurate representation of my life, or if I'm clouding everything because I'm nervous and afraid of being judged. My therapist isn't going to judge me...I mean, well she is, but not in the way I'm afraid of. 

Good and bad week, right?

Please God, just let me get my act together already. I need to move on.

Day 35, 36

I'm still here! I can say I'm going to post while working this event all I want but no matter how good my intentions are it's likely that my posts will be like this one until this Monday, which is my next weigh in day.

I tracked everything! I ate very little until around 11 when I might have eaten too much, but I am in my points. Our contact this year is extra strict and we aren't allowed to bring in any outside food and all of the little venues here were closed today because we were just setting up.

Anyway, I need to be up in three hours so goodnight!!

Day 34 and Weigh in Day

It has been a much better day! I lost 2.4 pounds.

I'll expand on everything in the afternoon tomorrow. I'm about five minutes from home and I haven't been to bed yet!

My food was good today too, I tracked, went to my weight watchers meeting and went to the gym. So it's been good.

Goodnight for now.

Day 32,33

Okay so this weekend was terrible for me. Food wise, and plan wise. I ate badly and I didn't track.

I'm not giving up or quitting though. It was a slip up and I will survive. I need to learn how to better cope with "slip ups" because my journey is going to be a long one. No one is perfect every day.

This week is going to be a challenge because it is not going to be a normal week by far. From Wednesday until Sunday night I will be living away from home, and the insanity of this event has already begun. My weekend was spent talking with vendors and going back and forth from the airport.

I just need to keep it together and get through the next week. Look for my updates very late at night because I will only get a chance to update once I get back to my hotel at night.

Back to normal, plus tracking tomorrow. Goodnight guys.

Day 31

Hey guys!

This isn't going to be a long post! I had a really emotional day. I had a fight with my closest friend who is also emotional (her van was stolen and totaled last night). I broke down and cried for an hour before a friend pried me out of bed and made me go outside. I went to the house of the friend I had a fight with and we made up and cried. When I went in her husband asked me what was wrong (we are all pretty close) and you know how it is when you are trying not to cry and someone asks you whats wrong? Yeah I lost it again.

Anyway, after that my friend and I spiraled down the food drain for comfort. I didn't use all of my weekly points, but I didn't get all of my healthy checks in and I will be seriously shocked if I lose this week. I'm back on now, I'm not waiting until tomorrow but I'm also trying not to beat myself up over this. I want to move on. Life is full of hiccups and I don't expect to be perfect. I just expect the trend to be steady. I tracked everything so in the interest of full disclosure...

Posting this helps me to be accountable. I'm not hiding it.

Friday, August 02, 2013

Morning
1  serving(s) Small Plates Pork Egg Rolls	4
Subtotal	4
Midday
2  serving(s) Caramel Chicken Stock velvetted	18
2  serving(s) Diner Select Sides Brown Rice	13
1/4 serving(s) Sauces, Sides & Desserts Sweet Mustard Sauce	1
Subtotal	32
Evening
3  serving(s) Pizza, one-meat topping, thin crust, restaurant-type	16
Subtotal	16
Anytime
1/2 serving(s) spicy tuna roll (2-in diameter, 1-in thick)	3
1  item(s) Boston Kreme Donut	9
2  small Iced Dunkin’ Dark® Roast Coffee (with cream and sugar)	8
40  chips Doritos Tortilla Chips	14
Subtotal	34
Food PointsPlus values total used	86
Food PointsPlus values remaining	0

Day 30

So my physical went well enough.

Everything seems fine. I had a pap smear, and blood work and I got a prescription for birth control. Ocella same as before. It's what I wanted.

I am both excited and saddened. I am excited because I know how much better being on birth control actually makes me feel. I am saddened because it feels like one more nail in the coffin that I've been so reluctant to shut even for a time.

I have friends telling me that it "looks unlikely" that I will ever have children, as if hearing it so frankly somehow helps me to accept it as a fact and find closure. I don't know if that is ever going to get any easier, and I don't think I can apologize for it. I shouldn't have to. If my pain makes someone uncomfortable that isn't on me. At that point it isn't even about me. I mean good GOD. If I sit down to watch a movie with people and infertility is mentioned I get knowing stares and I get to hear my friends whisper quietly about how this must be affecting me.

I will find closure on this naturally, with my husband in a private setting, and with lots of time and healing.

I'll let you guys know the results of the blood tests etc when they come in. In the mean time I talked to my doctor about Weight Watchers and found that she isn't very fond of the new program. Funnily enough, neither am I. I hate that we are not counting fruit now. I mean I get that fruit being free encourages us to eat more of it in lieu of other things like chips and pastries etc, but fruit still packs a lot of sugar. So my doctor and I decided to give it some time the way that it is and if my weight loss slows or stalls that I should start counting fruit again. Guys, I can eat a lot of fruit. I eat it to feel full. I know I need to get over eating until I am like really full but one hurdle at a time right?

Gym tomorrow, and Saturday or Sunday to make up for today. Also new shoes tomorrow as long as I can afford them! Wish me luck!

Thursday, August 01, 2013

Morning
2  sandwich(es) Classics chargrilled chicken sandwich	15
2  packet(s) Dressings & Sauces barbecue sauce	2
1  serving(s) Side Items small fruit cup	0
Subtotal	17
Midday
1  serving(s) avocado ranch	9
1  serving(s) Side Items side salad	2
Subtotal	11
Evening
2  serving(s) Hormel sandwich makers pork bbq	7
1  item(s) thin sandwich bread	3
13  chips New York Style Pita Chips	4
Subtotal	14
Anytime
1  serving(s) sweet potato multigrain bbq chips	3
1  slice(s) American cheese	3
1  medium fresh tomato(es)	0
2  serving(s) new york croutons asiago	2
1  oz cooked skinless, boneless chicken breast(s)	1
1  cup(s) uncooked bell pepper(s)	0
2  serving(s) Lite Buffalo Ranch 2tbsp	3
2  cup(s) fresh spinach	0
1/2 cup(s) unsweetened dill pickle(s)	0
8  medium uncooked baby carrots	0
1  serving(s) Lemon Greek Yogurt frozen	5
1  serving(s) frosty lemon cookie	3
11  g Hormel Bacon Bits	1
Subtotal	21
Food PointsPlus values total used	63
Food PointsPlus values remaining	4
Activity
No entries for activity.
Activity PointsPlus values earned	0