Day 83

I lost 3.6 lbs this week! That brings my total to 43.6lbs lost and runs me right past my 10% goal! I have also already lost 16.2 of the 20-25lbs that I said I wanted to lose by January 1st 2010 (see Day: 48). My new short term goal is to lose 24.2 lbs which will put me at 350 lbs. Right now I weigh 374.2.

Currently I have lost more weight than ever before on any diet.

I am making this post early so that I can have some time with my husband tonight. I've had a pretty bad day. I was moody and tired and I spend much of the day picking nonsensical fights with my husband. After my meeting I came home and went to bed having only eaten a WW mini bar because I was just being a total tyrant and I needed to chill out. I woke up around 4 and went to the movies with friends so my first full meal was popcorn. Yeah I know. Oh, and the other reason that I had a horrible day is somewhat personal. I have a skin condition under my breasts and sometimes they get really dry underneath and today the skin sort of tore or abraded. God, but that is one of the most painful things. It has happened before, so I can deal with it, but it has been fueling my bad mood for most of the day. That kind of thing also drives me so hard to lose weight. Its so uncomfortable. If the girls (boobs) don't shrink a little then I might go ahead and have a breast reduction when I am through the weight loss portion of the journey. I need the area under them to have the time and air flow to heal once and for all. This particular issue effects my self image so dramatically. I feel unclean and ugly. I can not wait for it to be gone! I can not wait to not want to cry every single time I put on a bra.

There is just so much to look forward to, so many things that I cant think of them all just sitting here. Already things have gotten easier. I can reach places on my body that were almost impossible before, and movie theater seats aren't quite as uncomfortable anymore. Those are only the most recent. Every week or so I get some new discovery. I love it, and it keeps me motivated. I want more, and honestly I need more. I need this in my life, proving to me constantly that it's worth the struggle. All of my life, my emotions and all of the shame and pain I have felt for so long are going to add up to a drive, self worth and will that were forged from steel. Eventually perhaps I'll be able to thread that steel further into my life. I truly believe that this journey is going to make me a better person, and not just on the outside. Each brick that I remove from my fortress provides more illumination into exactly who I am, and who I could be.

Today:
1 ww mini bar: 1
popcorn without butter at the movie theatre: 10pts
2 cups cooked pasta (shells): 7
2 servings pasta sauce: 3
3 oz chicken breast cooked and 1 oz sausage cooked: 5
1 small piece garlic bread: 4
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving meat sauce: 6
1 serving cheese: 2
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 serving ice cream: 2
Total for the Day: 42/44

WW online says I still have 44 points, I have to lose 4.2 more lbs before I can lose a daily point! Is it sad that I am actually excited about that?

Day 82

Today was a slow and relaxing day for the most part. I feel more relaxed than I did a few days ago. I am looking forward to Christmas actually. I like the distraction. Its an automatic reason to be joyful and thankful and even excited. Yes, Christmas still excites me even as an adult. I'm hoping to handle Christmas the same way that I handled Thanksgiving. I'm going to have a great time and enjoy the traditions (food, presents etc) but not lose sight of my ultimate goals. I also don't want to put myself in a bad position mentally. I want to come through the rest of the Holidays guilt free. I will be cooking the whole meal on Christmas day, unlike Thanksgiving. I am going to try and plan out a Weight Watchers friendly meal, and dessert, while also trying to stay traditional to keep my family happy. I don't think they will know the difference honestly. Maybe I'll post some of my ideas here this week for some feedback.

My husband has asked about being allowed to have candy on Christmas this year. I told him that it wouldn't bother me. You have to understand how good he has been to understand my reasoning. Since we have gone on Weight Watchers he has stayed on plan, and never fallen off. Before weight watchers he ate candy every single day. That is not an exaggeration. Every night he brought home starburst or sour patch kids or something equally sugary. He honestly just loves candy, so does his father for that matter, Since we started counting points he hasn't binged on candy or asked for any, or complained about not having any. I really only like specific candy and so I don't feel that his having some on Christmas is going to affect me, and I trust him when he says just for the day. His journey is his own after all and he seems to be succeeding.

I wonder if there will ever be a day when my instincts switch over to eating just enough to be satisfied. Will there ever be a day when I can bring home a cheesecake and have just a slice, or none at all? Will I ever be able to go into a chinese food buffet and not over do it? More importantly will I ever accomplish these feats without thinking about it constantly? I certainly hope so. That will be one of the single most freeing days of my life I think.

Back to the gym Monday. Same goals as the week before last! Going for another 4 lbs! Also, my weigh in is tomorrow. I would be lying if I said I didn't hope to lose weight with all of my heart and soul, and I would be lying if I said I gave it my all this past week. I've been distracted and busy. Thus is the journey. I have a feeling if it was really easy it might not be worth doing, even though that sounds kinda funny. While my weight loss might not make a great showing I still feel as though the work I am doing on myself inside is making a major difference. I know that I am doing well, and will be trying to keep that in the front of my mind all day tomorrow. I would be pleased as punch to have just maintained tomorrow morning. Wish me luck!

Today:
Large (rather huge) salad: 6
3 tbsp light ranch: 3
1 can soup: 3
2 servings cheddar rice cakes: 5
1 serving cheese: 3
1 bowl of baked potato soup: 12
1 cup ice cream: 6
2 bites of second salad: 2
Total for the Day: 40/44
Leftover: 4

Day 81

This is going to be long and a little disorganized.

Yesterday was wonderful, but oh so long. I did go over my daily points, but I planned for that (or rather expected to) and had all of my weekly points to spare. Today was not so great. I didn't get a chance to eat until around 5pm and that ended up being a yogurt. I took care of my points later, but I didn't really binge on them which is also a step in the correct direction.

I'm pretty proud of myself for yesterday. I didn't kill myself over it, but I kept my diet and my points in mind all day. I also busted my butt all day yesterday and the day before, so honestly even without a gym I know I was burning calories. Today I am still completely exhausted and moody (which happens when I'm overtired.). We are pretty much out of groceries here because I manged to bring nothing home from Thanksgiving! I am pretty excited about that. I was able for once to just let it all go. It didn't matter more to me than feeling better for once in my life. This week has been crazy, and I'm sure I wont make a great showing (or any showing maybe) on Sunday when I get on that scale, but as of right now I have defeated Thanksgiving. I'm past the hump and still on parade. I managed to indulge and not crash my marching band into a tar pit. However, that still means we have no real food here. My husband (who is currently stringing lights onto a Christmas tree) took me out to dinner tonight for sushi. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get around to surveying the cupboards and making a grocery list.

I don't know how many of you (out of anyone who reads or ever will read this) feel like you can't get a hold on your diet or lifestyle change after something like Thanksgiving, but I'm sure there are a few of you. I'm saying this as much for myself as any of you: First, breathe. When that's done, eat something healthy. Go for a walk, and if you cant, then do some sit down exercises. A lot of times actions help me to reinforce or even change my thought patterns. If I am feeling low and I want to quit or I feel completely miserable I go to the gym. Even if I didn't want to go I feel better coming out. I feel like I get an inch ahead of the game. The feeling is like catching up on all of your missed homework. It's relief. So breathe, think, do, and forgive yourself. It was one day, and no matter how badly you did you will be okay. Dont let it change your coarse. I cant let it change mine.

I have also in the last few days found that people can not stand it when you refuse food. I do not know how many times I was asked about taking pie or cake or whatever home. I say "I cant eat that" and people get all uptight when you tell them you are on a diet. They roll their eyes and click their tongues in that "knowing" way. It isn't one day anymore when I take the day home to enjoy tomorrow! I'm not perfect. I made 5 cheesecake for the big feast and didn't bring a single slice home. I make good cheesecake. So good in fact that I might have found myself going at it in front of the tv at 2am with a spoon in a fit of boredom or discontentment or whatever! Perhaps someday I will be able to tackle that monster, but as I have said before: I know myself. Even if I could (and I probably could too) exercise complete self control, I don't want to be tempted. There is enough in everyday normal life for me to wrestle with here. Physically and emotionally. I just do not love food more than myself anymore. It isn't my coping mechanism, and it certainly doesn't make me feel better. I refused something on Wednesday before Thanksgiving while cooking with friends who know I am on a diet. They of course asked why, and I told them that it was too many points. One of them responded quite irritatedly with "And you are going to eat like 4 million points tomorrow so just shut up and enjoy it." Yeah, I get it. No one wants to count points on a Holiday. No one wants to be reminded that what they are eating is too much or bad for them or anything. I get it. So then stop asking why! I didn't go from table to table making sure everyone wasn't overeating, but do you know how many people came to make sure I was? It was infuriating. I know they mean well. They want me to have a good time too, and I guess they also associate food with general enjoyment. It comes down to more than the moment for me. I know that if I totally blow one day no matter how prepared I make myself to just let it go, that I cant. I'll analyze it and agonize over it and beat myself up.

2 years from now, I want to be healthy. I want to be in a size 12-14 and on my way to doing all of the things I have never been able to do before. I want to be fit enough to give birth, ride a roller coaster and dance (I'll be brave enough to learn then!) with my husband until dawn. When I am 70 years old, I want to be able to walk through the grocery store. I want to be able to sit on my front porch with Chad. I just want to be able.

Then I'll take some cheesecake home. I promise.

Today:
1 yogurt: 2
Sushi: 15
3 pieces gyoza: 3
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 slice light pie: 5
1 serving dip: 6
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 2
1 bagel: 2
1 veggie burger: 3
1 serving icecream: 3
Total for the Day: 44/44

Day 80

Today was actually easier than I thought it would be. By the time dinner rolled around I had been smelling food and cooking for so long that I wasn't hungry. I have been up since 7 AM and I will total my points tomorrow.

I hope that you all had a successful Thanksgiving.

Food update to come tomorrow.

Day 79

So I just finished prepping the stuff I am cooking tomorrow, and cooking what I could today. It is now 3am, and I have to be at the hall we rented by 8am. As such this is going to be the shortest post ever. I did not make it to my points total today, but I'm not terribly worried about it. I have been making it most every day these days.

I will update tomorrow even though it is a Holiday, but it will be pretty late.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 ww yogurt: 1
bites Alex's lunch: 1
1 bag light popcorn: 5
1 grilled chicken sandwich: 7
1 serving bbq: 1
1 baked potato w/ cheese: 6
1 small chili: 4
Total for the Day: 28/44
Leftover: 16

Day 78

And so it begins. The Holiday countdown and complete chaos. I did not make it to the gym today, but I was seriously on my feet and walking from 1 this afternoon until just after 1am when I walked through my front door. This is the first day since I started feeling better physically that I actually hurt. My feet and my legs and my lower back. UGH. I don't know if the gym is an option tomorrow since I am cooking pretty much from when I get up until very late. I'm hoping that I can get most of everything done by 7pm and go anyway. Today I don't feel any shame though. I have been moving, all day. I do miss the strength training though.

Today was a really long day and so this is short, and sweet and to the point. I'm still with this, and I plan to stay. Thanksgiving is Thursday and its going to be a test, but I think I can pass. Even if I mess up a little the journey moves on, and I cant quit. I've come too far.

Today:
1 serving jambalaya: 7
1 yogurt: 1
samples in Sams Club: 4
Spinach: 0
pickles: 0
1/8th cup chick peas: 1
1 serving ranch: 2
1/2 egg: 1
1 serving salad topper: 1
1 turkey wing: 5
1 can soup: 3
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 1/2 serving light kung pao chicken: 16
2 cups steamed green beans: 0
Total for the Day: 42/44

Day 77

Now, after ignoring the fact that my kitchen is a bloody mess you will notice that picture number 1 (40 lbs lost) isn't really the same as picture number 2 (20 lbs lost). The camera was further away etc. I know that I have lost weight, but I honestly can not see it. At all. I'm not saying that I am doing terribly, I know that I am doing well, I can feel the weight loss. Maybe I have some sort of mental block thing going on but I can't see it, and I have to admit that is a little discouraging.

Today was an off day, not off plan though. I stayed home and did nothing today. It felt pretty good, though I felt guilty for not going to the gym. I am going to the gym tomorrow before some extra Thanksgiving grocery shopping. I did not do a full grocery shop for the house this week either. Its going to be a cleansing week for our fridge, and our cooking is going to become quite creative I imagine as we use though all of our leftover groceries. It gets a little harder here around lunch time for me though because there isn't anything easy or anything that doesn't need to be thawed before it can be cooked. Excuses huh? I really could just plan ahead, and I should, so I think that I will.

Tomorrow starts a new week! It was been 10 weeks since I started Weight Watchers, and 11 weeks total on diet parade! I have learned that I can in fact effect my weight loss directly, and that while my body isn't always going to listen to me, I do have some power here. I have also learned that no matter how much we plan things can always go wrong and lets be honest...they usually do. I can make better choices. No, going to the Golden Corral twice last week (once unplanned) wasn't a good choice, but it doesn't specifically have to be a bad one either. Oh, and a big one: I have learned not to let myself get to comfortable here! I think I will be reminding myself of this quite often, but as I get more relaxed about diet parade I tend to slow down a bit, and become less diligent about counting my steps. This is too important to guess at or estimate, or give a just "par" performance for. I need to keep up!

So a huge YES to the gym tomorrow, and better food choices and staying alert on the journey. Thursday is the next big hurdle and as much as I want to hide under the covers until Friday morning I am going to cook, eat and have a great time. I need to come up with that red yarn bracelet, or tuck away a motivating image I can look at when I'm feeling vulnerable. I don't want to take back 11 weeks and let one day become a horrendous month long train wreck. I cant let that happen, and so I wont.

Today:
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 3
1 serving rice cakes: 2
1 serving sriacha: 0
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1/2 serving bbq soy crisps: 1
1 ww yogurt: 1
1 banana: 2
Huge serving steamed broccoli: 0
1/3 cup steamed potato: 1
1 serving cheese: 3
1 serving honey mustard: 1
1/2 serving light ranch: 1
1 bagel: 2
1 serving turkey breast: 2
1 serving pickles: 0
1 yogurt: 2
1 chicken nugget: 1
1 ww mini bar: 1
2 servings WW Chicken Jambalaya: 16
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 1/32

Day 76

So today was mixed! I weighed in today and lost 4lbs exactly! 1 pound shy of my goal for the week, but I still think that I did really well. This brings my total loss to 40lbs and my current weight is: 377.8. I promised new progress pictures at 40lbs, but I am so tired tonight, I will get them done in the morning.

Another NSV! I was going to dinner at Chad's aunt's house, and I could not for the life of me find anything I felt confident wearing. On a whim I decided to pull out the pants I bought back in March before going to New Orleans. I had been shopping for the trip, but had found the awesome pants on sale. When they didn't fit (they were 28s, not stretchy and I was almost in a 34) I bought them anyway. I told myself that as soon as the trip was over I was going to work to fit into those pants. It took my a while...but I got into them today! They arent tight either, they fit pretty perfectly! I'm pretty happy about that. I feel like it was a positive day.

Then the food. So today we finally let go of one of my grandfathers largest belongings today. The hospital bed. That was really hard, and I didn't see it coming. I have been concentrating so hard on making sure that my mother was ready and okay with it leaving (we gave it to a friend whose grandmother is in great need of it) that I never stopped to prepare myself to watch it go. Afterward the family who received the bed treated us to lunch...at the Golden Corral. That's right, twice in two days. No excuses, I didn't do too badly, and I got a ton of veggies in. Dinner at Aunt in law's house was pot roast, roasted potatoes and carrots, and steamed green beans. Not too bad right? His aunt has multiple sclerosis, and its advanced enough that her hands shake badly and she cant walk, but the woman baked a lemon cake from scratch. Yeah, I caved to guilt food. I don't feel too bad about it because I only had a small slice and there wasn't much icing, it was drizzled. Still my choices for the day could have been better.

Last night I was thinking about the last thing that my grandfather said to me before he died. I was there to pick my brother up, and he asked me when I was going to get around to having kids. Not in those exact words, but it still sliced right into me. I was irritated at the time and I left with him knowing it I'm sure. This is a two fold issue. I'm incredibly sad that I never had a chance to say anything else, but I'm equally if not more crushed that I never got to show him a great grandchild. He knows I love him. One more opportunity lost, one more door closed by my weight and how hopeless I felt. I feel like I have this period of my life that has just been stolen from me, but nothing was stolen I was just trapped! I was lost within that trap. I have been trying all of my life to find that magic reason or motivator that would be the difference between me failing and me making it and the missing piece of the puzzle was me. I was reading about another blogger who also feels like he has changed so much. I feel like if I could have read this a year ago I'd have laughed out loud in my own face. I did not feel like losing weight was a possibility for me anymore, I didn't want anything anymore. Now, with so much lost I feel like I need to hold on that much tighter to the things I could still have. I feel like I have options again, though I have to admit that in the first two weeks I had some serious doubts about this going anywhere. I am still amazed every single week at every single weigh in and with every NSV and good choice. I'm so proud of myself and I feel so awake inside. I feel real hope here, even though it still scares the size 28 pants off of me to feel hope at all.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 egg: 2
2 oz skillet steak: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
Huge serving spinach: 0
2 beat slices: 0
carrots: 0
1 green bell pepper ring: 0
broccoli: 0
cauliflower: 0
1/2 egg: 1
1/4th cup cheddar cheese: 2
pickles: 0
3 tbsp ranch: 4
1 serving meat loaf: 3
1/2 baked yam: 2
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0
1 serving steamed cauliflower: 0
1 serving steamed carrots: 0
1 serving bourbon chicken: 3
1/2 cup mashed potatoes: 3
1/2th cup (literally just a taste) corn bread stuffing: 4
1 serving habanero shrimp: 4
1 serving beef pot roast: 6
1 serving roasted potatoes and carrots: 4
1 serving steamed green beans: 0
1 slice lemon cake (argh): 5
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 3/35

Yeah I used 3 extra points tonight. I'm not really upset about it. Part of this is learning how to be good to yourself right? I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff when everything else is going smoothly.

Day 75

Let me just start out by saying that my mother decided to go to the gym at 7am. Uh, no. No matter how much I want it I can not get up that early. That is 3 or less (sometimes) hours after my bedtime. It wasn't really her fault or anything, it was bad communication. Obviously we have different definitions of "early". Its alright though, I was out and about all day and I did get in some cardio. It was not as intense as at the gym, but I was moving today. I'm satisfied with my week. I dont think I can set goals as high this week coming as I am going to be involved in the Holiday all week. I'd still like to make it to the gym 4 times this week coming, but I will talk more about that after tomorrows weigh in.

I went to the Golden Corral today. It really wasn't that hard. I mean, honestly it isn't the place I would chose for a meal every week, but their food isn't really all that high in points. I had 3 plates over the coarse of about 2 1/2 hours. First I had a huge salad, the only downside was no low fat or fat free dressing. Then two modest sized plates filled with mostly steamed veggies (a little bit of butter in the steaming I think, but not enough to hurt me). For dessert I had 3 cookies. Not bad at all, and i still managed to stop eating by 11pm.

In any case my weigh in is tomorrow morning, and I have a long day after. I really want to do well, and so I am putting myself to bed right after this post.

Wish me luck! I want 5lbs lost, but I will take anything. A loss is still a win!

Today:
1 small chili: 4
1 baked potato w/cheese: 8
1 yogurt: 2
Huge serving spinach: 0
2 beat slices: 0
carrots: 0
1 green bell pepper ring: 0
broccoli: 0
cauliflower: 0
1/2 egg: 1
1/4th cup cheddar cheese: 2
3 tbsp ranch: 4
1 serving meat loaf: 3
1/4th cup sweet potato casserole (unsure, not listed on site, so counted high): 4
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0
1 serving steamed cauliflower: 0
1 serving steamed carrots: 0
1 serving bourbon chicken: 3
1/2 (probably less) red bliss potato, steamed: 3
1/8th cup (literally just a taste) corn bread stuffing: 1
3 slices pear: 0
3 tiny pieces (would have fit into a tablespoon) shrimp: 1
2 pieces boneless buffalo chicken: 2
1 bite moms burger: 2
3 cookies: 6
Total for the Day: 44/44

Whew! Just made it!

Day 74

So today was not so great! I did not make it to the gym. I have to tell you that I had a hard time knowing that I had to post that sentence. Part of me feels like I have failed, and part of me knows that I didn't. First of all, I have already made plans to go with my mother early in the morning, and second of all I went for 4 days! I did 240 minutes of cardio, and two days of my circuit with an extra machine, most machines at 3 sets. I did get some sunlight, and I stayed within my points! I feel really good about my week, and hopefully Monday night before my new week begins I will be able to post the things that I have learned.

So onto the why I didn't go to the gym today. I was out running some pretty essential errands when my car decided that she was done. We didn't break down, but I'm not certain that we wouldn't have had I not already been on my way home. It was overheating pretty badly, and I had to park it until Chad's father or someone can look at it. Now yes, I could have gotten there in my mothers car with her but I was just so done at that point. I don't know if there is anything more stressful in the moment than your car giving out. I honestly needed the break, and so I took it.

Today:
1 bagel: 2
1 slice turkey bacon: 1
1 egg: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
1 yogurt: 2
1 egg roll: 3
1 serving honey mustard: 1
3 hand fulls light popcorn: 1
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
2 oz (measured raw) lean skillet steak: 2
1 laughing cow cheese wedge: 1
1 serving honey mustard(am obsessed with the stuff): 1
spinach: 0
1 serving mexican chicken salad: 7
Second serving: 8
Serving ranch dressing: 2
1 ww mini bar: 1
Total for the Day: 37/44
Leftover: 7

I will probably update later to add some points.

Day 73

So today was very stressful. I did so much running that until after my husband was home I had only been home for like 2 hours tops all day long. I made it back to the gym and I did 1.84 miles on the treadmill in about 45 minutes. Then I got in 15 more minutes of brisk walking at the airport looking for a friend. So I got my 60 minutes in today fair and square. I have another 60 to go tomorrow and I will be officially at goal!

I have some worries for the weekend ahead though. Chad's father wants us to go to dinner with him on Saturday and his Aunt called to ask us to dinner on Sunday. Sunday shouldn't be too hard, she is making spaghetti. I can handle that, I know the points and such. Saturday is my wild card. I've asked Chad to try and get his dad to go somewhere other than the Golden Corral this time. I can eat at Chili's! I know the points values there, or even Applebees! They put the points values right on their menu! I don't know, I will deal with whatever comes my way. I just want to be really successful on Sunday this week.

Oh, and its raining again in Baltimore.

Today:
Sushi: 20 pts
1 Arnolds Sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 small light latte: 2
Lachoy Chicken chow mein: 3
1 serving brown rice: 4
1/2 bag frozen peppers: 0
2 chicken wings: 6
1 pizza bagel: 5
Total for the Day: 44/44

Day 72

Today was another good day. I finished my points out despite running a lot today, and I made it back to the gym again! I only have 120 more minutes to goal, and one more circuit day left. The lat pull down machine was really hard. I did that machine 3rd and the rest of the machines that I used my arms for were also harder. Argh. Eventually the lat machine will get easier, and it will be so worth all of the exhaustion! Today the cardio was hard too. The last half hour was a fight down to the last second. I'll admit I felt a little unfocused, but I finished. My food choices were not so bad today either.

I have lofty hopes for Sunday...I'd like to make it to 10% which would put me at 376.8. That is a 5lb loss, and I know its high, but I want the positive reinforcement. Even if I don't make it I know I have done well this week so far. I'll be proud of just hitting my goals for the week.

Today:
1 Arnold sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
4 oz chicken breast: 4
1 bag frozen veggies: 3
1 serving light honey mustard: 1
1/2 yogurt: 1
1 arnold sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 apple: 1
1 ww mini bar: 1
4 oz chicken breast: 4
1 large serving steamed broccoli: 0
1/2 cup stuffing: 3
1/2 serving light honey mustard: 1
1 bag popcorn: 5
1/2 cup stuffing: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
broccoli: 0
1/2 cup eggnog: 3
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 ww chocolate muffin: 3
Total for the Day: 44/44

Hopefully I'll lose a point sometime soon!

Day 71

Today was another step in the right direction because I met my goals again. I went to the gym and got my 2.46 miles in. Another 60 minutes down. Today was cardio only, tomorrow is a circuit day. I stuck to my points even though I had lunch out with friends, and I got some sun!

Today my friend Ashley did something very touching for me. She made me a paperclip chain with 36 paper clips, one for each pound lost so far. WW users sometimes talk about them, and my meeting leader has mentioned them once, but no one has really talked in depth about them yet. I have one now and its very motivating to see the chain, and know that I get to add to it physically each week. Something tangible. I have 216 more pounds to go so its going to be HUGE. I'll wrap it around the Christmas tree or something eventually.

This is a quick post tonight because I want to go to bed early for once!

Today:
1 bowl size serving of chicken enchilada soup: 10
1/4 of 1/2 (oh the confusion!) serving loaded fries: 7
6 tortilla chips: 3
3 cups mixed lettuce: 0
1/4th cup diced tomato: 0
1/4th cup shredded carrots: 0
1 tbsp light ranch: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 cup light eggnog: 3
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 yogurt: 2
1 serving spaghetti: 4
1 serving sauce w/:
1 serving carrots
1 serving peppers
1/2 serving mushrooms: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving sauce w/ veggies included: 1
1/8th cup cheese: 1
1 frozen egg roll: 3
1 serving light honey mustard dressing: 1
Total for the Day: 44/44

Good night!

Day 70

I did it! Day one down. I went to the gym, I did an hour of cardio (2.46 miles), and I completed my circuit (I even asked the trainer to show me a new machine). I did not use any extra points today either. The sunlight thing didn't go so well. Our schedule is bad for it to begin with, we don't even wake up until noon every day. I ended up distracted and when I looked up the afternoon sun was gone. Tomorrow is another day and it is still my goal to get some more sun this week before it starts raining again on Thursday.

I tried to quiet my mind down a bit before going into the gym, and I was unsuccessful. I was the last person into the gym though. I just needed a moment to myself to get my head where it needed to be. I was preparing myself to meet a set goal, and steeling my resolve. In the gym while I was doing my 2nd half hour on the treadmill I started to think about the journey and my progress so far. I know that I have so far to go, but I feel like I have come so far. The difference in the way I feel is so distinct. When I look in the mirror I can not see the difference that everyone else can, I just cant. However, when I'm walking and I realize that after 30 minutes I'm not winded, or gasping for air and coming up with excuses for why I can just stop now because 10 minutes was good enough it hits me. I'm different and I'm changing. My body is responding and I'm actually losing weight. It hit me tonight when I got into my Mothers car and put on my seat belt with no struggle at all. I'm embarrassed when I go to the gym in a bra that doesn't fit me, but I remember then too. It doesn't fit me because I have lost inches off of my under bust, and bust. Inches that several months ago I was convinced would never be lost. This is hard to share but my walk is different too. I realized tonight at the gym, why my toe was hurting. I might have cried a little over this. It (the toe) may be sprained, but I'm starting to walk on the actual bottom of my left foot. I know that sounds strange but I've noticed that I put a lot of my weight on the outside of my left foot, and now, I'm starting to walk correctly. Not with every foot fall, but maybe 1 in every 5 or 6. There is just so much, and its so overwhelming. Its happy, and its beautiful, and desperate, honest and ugly all at the same time. Its slow going, and cautious. Its smooth sailing and then suddenly there are potholes and construction going on. Despite never wanting to come back to this place (417.8lbs), I have a feeling I will be revisiting these roads in my memories for years to come. I know I have said it before but this is the single most difficult task I have ever faced. I'm grappling with my weight and myself. It can be an exhausting and exhilarating battle. I feel like I'm untangling myself from my little fortress.

Today:
1 banana: 2
1 ww frozen meal: 5
1 can soup: 5
1 slice cheese: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving ranch rice cakes: 2
1/2 cup light egg nog (ohhhh the craving): 3
1 serving ww orange chicken: 5
1/2 cup brown rice: 2
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0
1 bagel: 2
1/4th cup pizza sauce: 1
1/4th cup cheese: 2
Extra serving orange chicken: 6
1 cup rice: 5
Total for the Day: 44/44

Day 69

Alrighty, I lost 3.4lbs this week. That brings my total to 36lbs. 5 more lbs and I will have hit my 10% mark! I will take progress photos at 40lbs lost. My husband has 8 more lbs to go until he hits goal. He is grumpy over losing another point. Good thing he's cute when he's grumpy...

Today was pretty okay. I used some of my extra points on popcorn at the theatre and a snack when I came home. It was on purpose and I don't feel bad about it. I am planning to step it up though for the rest of the week. I'm feeling better (though it might just be that it didn't rain today for the first time in almost a week! I can not stress this enough.) so I'm going to set goals for the rest of this week.

1st goal: 5 days of the gym, Monday - Friday.
2nd goal: 300 minutes of cardio, no excuses. That's an hour a day on the treadmill or other cardio activity.
3rd goal: 3 days of strength training, 3 to 4 sets on each machine. (Yeah, I'll take it easy, there are a few machines I simply can not do 4 sets on, and I wont hurt myself.)
4th goal: Sunlight. At least an hour a day, weather permitting. Even if its just sitting on the front porch reading, or getting some of my cardio in outside the gym. If the dreary weather really did dial me to zero I should keep abreast of that.
5th goal: Budget and not have to use any extra points this week.
6th goal: Actually post the things that I have learned this week. I haven't done that in a while and its way too easy to lose sight of what you have accomplished when you don't take the time to acknowledge it.

I'm not punishing myself. These are all things I have done in the last 69 days, but I have fallen away from them, and recently have felt like I was just towing the line. I want to push myself. I want my efforts to accurately reflect my commitment to this journey. There will be weeks where I cant keep this kind of a time commitment (the gym) going, but I will give it my best. I'm not starting over either, I don't need to, and I said I wouldn't. I'm just adding a little bit of momentum and "oomph" to the parade. It's time to brush off the confetti and continue marching.

Today:
1 egg: 1
1 slice turkey bacon: 1
1 slice cheese: 1
6 oz potatoes O'Brien: 2
1 bagel: 2
Sushi: 12
4 pan fried dumplings: 7
3 small pieces sesame chicken: 4
2 bites salmon (it was awful): 1
6 red grapes: 0
1 slice cantaloupe: 1
3 small tastes of brother's dessert plate: 2
1/2 small crab cake: 1
1 spring roll: 4
1 ww mini bar: 1
popcorn at the movies sans butter: 8
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 8/30
Leftover: 22/35

Day 68

New goal: I want to be fit enough to ride this bike! I saw it today and fell in love with it. It is an adult bike, and its pink. I am a very pink person. I used to bike ride all of the time, but as I got older and heavier I stopped. I haven't ridden a bike in almost 8 years. I want to be fit enough to bike ride with my husband.

I am awake way too late tonight. We were putting up Christmas lights. I know, everyone gets so angry when people put lights up too early, but you know what? It really cheers me up every year, and with my being so tired all week, and it having been raining since Monday here, I needed that.

I walked around all day today, and I'm so proud because I didn't need to sit down repeatedly. Last year when grocery and Christmas shopping I'd need long breaks and I would spend so much money on food at the mall, sometimes as an excuse to take a break. I would get hot and start to sweat and my feet and my back would hurt and I'd be so out of breath so easy. Today was not like that. I still get hot, I don't know if that will ever change. Sometimes I run a fan in the winter, and I never run the heat unless someone else needs it. I get hot so easily. I did hurt a little, but it wasn't that back breaking "sit down now or cry" hurt. It was a reminder that I had been on my feet for a little over 3 hours and should probably take a break. Something I am even more proud of is the fact that I did not eat out today. Not that eating out is bad, but on days like this I do tend to lose a little control to the mayhem, but I held it and managed to stick to my rules.

Last week started out okay and ended rocky, this week was good I think. Tomorrow is my weigh in and honestly I don't feel so bad about it. I feel like I have been on plan, and working hard. I feel more comfortable with the plan now too. This is a good thing because I don't spend as much time agonizing over every bite I take. I don't want to get too comfortable though and lose my focus and stop counting the bites.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 can soup: 5
1 slice cheese: 1
1 serving cheddar rice cakes: 2
1 ww lemon cake: 1
1 ww frozen meal: 4
1 serving stuffing (test run from a friend for Turkey Day): 11
spinach: 0
2 green pepper rings: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1/8th cup jalapenos: 0
1/2 hard boiled egg: 1
1/8th cup chick peas: 1
3 tbsp ranch: 3
1 serving salad topper: 1
1 small bite (ben and jerry's) ice cream: 2
1 serving shredded cheddar: 1
1 can soup: 5
1 slice cheese: 1
Total for the Day: 43/44
Leftover: 1

Weigh in is in 4 hours! Wish me luck!

Day 67

This week has totally kicked my butt. I have been to the gym 4 times but it has been a struggle to get me there for the last few days. I am glad I have been going, and I love the way I feel after. I'm just beat and cant figure out why. No excuses or anything, I don't need them, I am still getting there everyday.

My food was so much better today too. I feel like I ate so much more, but I always do when I am eating lower point or better for me foods.

I am going grocery/Christmas shopping tomorrow! Another test, and time to plan ahead. I need to realize that I am going to be out of the house for most of the day and plan accordingly, or plan my meals around my stops home, and plan ahead for eating out if I miss eating at home. Either way, I have some work to do. I feel like this is one of those places where I fall down really easily. I have a day out, and don't eat until the last minute because of poor planning and then poor planning and hunger make my choices for me. At that point I'm no longer in control. I think I'll take some small snacks with me too, to fend that off if we end up in that kind of a situation. Every time I gain back control over food I gain another foothold on this journey. Even if I don't want to make the right choice or if I feel miserable in the moment I know that I will feel good about my choice later after the food has passed. Life will be easier to fill with good moments once I get used to letting the anxiety over food go. Sometimes its best to take a moment and remember what I'm doing and what this means to me. It might not even always work, but it will always slow me down and make me think.

Today:
1 cup oatmeal: 2
1/2 cup blueberries: 1
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 can soup: 3
1 slice cheese: 1
spinach: 0
1 cup broccoli: 0
1 cup cauliflower: 0
2 green pepper rings: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1/2 hard boiled egg: 1
1/8 cup jalapenos: 0
1/8 cup chick peas: 1
1 serving light ranch: 2
1 serving fat free cheese: 1
1 serving salad topper: 1
1/4 cup diced tomato: 0
1 yogurt: 2
1 ww frozen meal: 4
1 veggie burger: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 cereal bar: 1
1 serving light chicken alfredo: 7
1 pizza bagel: 4
1 serving light chicken alfredo: 8
1 skinny cow ice cream: 3
Total for the Day: 44/44!

Sorry I haven't been commenting recently. I read everyone every day. I just get to this so late sometimes and I am so tired. I promise to catch up my life and continue letting you know I care! I really do!

Day 66

This is going to be a quick post because it has been a long day and I am so tired.

I really did not want to go to the gym today. I have hurt my toe somehow (bad enough that walking continuously for cardio sucks), and I have a stiff neck. I went anyway. I only did a mile today though, plus my full circuit. It was so hard to get out of the car and go in today, but when I was finished even though I didn't do the full cardio I felt so much better.

I'm afraid I'm not going to make much of a showing on the scale for the last two weeks. I know I only really messed up once, but I fret almost for a living. I will take any loss, but I am going to be pushing myself for the next few days. Not as a punishment but because I need to be able to sleep Saturday night before my weigh in. I have spent so long not doing anything about this weight and now I constantly fear that I'm not doing enough!

My measurements went pretty well though. I lost 3 inches off of my hips and my under bust, and 1.75 inches off of my bust. No wonder none of my bras fit me at all! I was embarrased to wear my newest one out of the house today. Total inches lost on my under bust: 3.5, total from my bust: 3.5. Oh and my hips total so far: 5.25. My thigh total 8 inches lost. These are just the highlights. It gets crazy, down to a half inch lost from my wrists since I've been paying attention to them.

So far so good, even if I did slow down a bunch over the past two weeks. I didnt eat so well today and was starving well after dinner, but way before bedtime.

Today:
1 Arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
Sushi buffet (est using WW website, plus a bit for unknowns): 25
1 arnold sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1/2 serving pickles: 0
spinach: 0
1 serving fat free ranch: 0
1 serving bbq soy crisps: 2
1 cup peas: 2
1 serving buffalo chicken casserole: 6
LATER serving casserole: 6
1/2 cup peas: 1
1 serving light popcorn: 1
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 5/35
Leftover: 30/35

I have to again stop and check my habits. I am not getting in enough vegetables. Again. Getting better!

Day 65

Alrighty well today was much easier. I think the week is just getting easier as I go on. I had a few errands to run before the gym, but I made it. I also managed to manage my food intake well enough to make it to my points totals without a lot of end of the day binging. I only had cardio today and I did another 2.46 miles in an hour. That was two 30 minute sessions pretty much back to back. The 2nd 30 minutes was harder, because I was less distracted. So far so good then on getting back to the gym (I only missed a week.). I have cardio and my full circuit tomorrow.

I have my weigh in Sunday, but tonight before I go to bed I am going to do my measurements. I'm going to try and do those once a month.

I feel really determined and motivated. I feel like I can just keep going. When I think about the length of the road ahead of me I feel a strange weight on my shoulders and my heart. I shouldn't call it strange because really I am carrying the weight of my whole world here. I'm struggling down this road carrying my hopes, dreams and expectations. I'm carrying mine and my husbands future. I'm carrying the very idea of everything that could be. Sometimes the load becomes too much to bear and I start stumbling. I cant fail here. I need to remind myself of that. No starting over, no giving up just for today. There is too much at stake. I will succeed because there is no other path to take, and because I want it more than anything else. The end of this road will open doors to new paths that I've barely dreamed about. I cant let go of those little glimpses I'm getting now. One foot in front of the other. I am more than my weight.

Today:
1 arnold sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serv nutella: 2
1 serv jam: 1
1 ww lemon cake: 1
large serving spinach: 0
3 green pepper rings: 0
1/8th cup chick peas: 1
2 tbsp ranch: 2
1 serving pickles: 0
1/2 hard boiled egg: 1
1/4th cup jalapenos: 0
1 cup broccoli: 0
1 cup cauliflower: 0
1/2 cup brown rice: 2
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken: 5
1 can soup: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving ranch rice quakes: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 cup brown rice: 4
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken: 5
1 angel food cake: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving ice cream: 2
1 serving bbq soy crisps: 2
Total for the Day: 43/44
Leftover: 1

...and I will take it.

Day 64

Today was much better than yesterday. I felt much better after being honest about the weekend here on the blog. I like to always be honest not so much because I don't want to lie to all of you (and I don't) but more because I don't want to make it easy to lie to myself. I have been building the habit of always being honest on my journey even when its hard to face for the past 64 days and running.

Last night I did go to bed early, like I said I would, and today I took my time grocery shopping and then went to the gym. I did 60 minutes on the treadmill so 2.46 miles, and my full circuit. I felt so good when I was finished. I felt accomplished and solidly on the right track again.

I think everything is going to be fine. Also, the drunken room mate who made asinine comments about my weight loss moved out while I was gone. I haven't even been down into the basement yet and I already feel like I have so much more breathing room.

Today:

1/2 banana: 1
1 pizza bagel: 5
1 yogurt: 2
7 pieces sushi: 7
1/2 white russian: 4
1 sobe life water: 2
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken: 5
1 serving brown rice: 4
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0
1 serving lite soy sauce: 0
1 serving spinach: 0
3 slices green bell pepper: 0
1/8 cup chick peas: 1
1 cup broccoli: 0
1 cup cauliflower: 0
1/4 cup jalapenos: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving salad topper: 1
1 serving low fat cheese: 1
3 tbsp lite ranch: 3
1 skinny cow ice cream: 2
1/2 cup cherries: 1
Total for the Day: 44/44

I know this post is short, I am still so exhausted and I have some errands to run tomorrow. I'm going to relax a bit before bed.

Day 63

This entry is going to be badly organized. I'm trying to get at my feelings about this weekend here.

Okay lets start with this: I have come to terms with the fact that I went over my points this week for the first time ever. I don't feel good about it, but I'm doing my best not to beat myself up over here. Second, despite Sunday night I stayed within my points all weekend, in fact I had 28 extra points leftover on Sunday morning. This weekend was a giant test for me, and while I dont think I failed nessesarily I do think that I can now easily identify my weaknesses here.

1. When I get that tired, I get that lazy. I start going for the easy foods, and not the right foods.
2. I am highly suggestible when it comes to food. If I am trying really hard to imagine that the fast food salad (stuck in convention center) I am about to order could actually taste good, someone else suggesting that a couple slices of pizza or some mashed potatoes wouldn't wreck my points is enough to send me in the wrong direction.
3. Again, repeated from weeks ago: When I am distracted I don't eat enough. I am also more likely to not think as much about what I am eating.
4. I let stress get the best of me constantly. I am planning to address this most assiduously in the upcoming weeks.
5. I have been tired constantly for the last week or so and I am finding its really very hard to be motivated right now.

Thinking back on this weekend the only time I can think of that I actually honestly ate en masse was Sunday.

I feel good about my progress so far, and I feel really good about where my head is here. I feel so different. Yes, I messed up and I stumbled a bit, but I did not fall off. I want to keep going. I still need this more than anything I have ever needed before. I have all of these amazing reasons to keep going despite being tired or worn or stressed. Sometimes it is really hard to convince myself that I want to do what I know is best.

I am still working on myself. I'm still figuring me out. There are so many facets to this journey. I can lose pounds, but I have to continue to uncover the reasons I put them on and kept them on. I have to gingerly uncover the damage this weight has done, not so much to my body, but to my mind and my heart as well. I want to be healthy as a whole person, and not fragmented.

This past weekend I was able to wear a seatbelt in the back seat of a friends car. I haven't been able to do that in over a year and half (I cant remember any further back). In fact, in March of this year we installed a seat belt extender in the back of the car we drove down to New Orleans so that I could rest in back when I wasn't driving. I can put it on by myself, without help. Its tight, its very snug, but it fits me.

I didn't weigh in this week. My decision is to wait until this Sunday and my meeting. I don't want to get on a different scale and then wonder all week what the difference is going to be. I also don't want to discourage myself if I gained something insubstantial in the 3 days that I was gone.

I am still here, doing my best. Sometimes I'm not at the top of my game and sometimes I'm out in front. This is life. No one gets to sprint though potential storms. I just want to bear them out and influence the erosion of my fortress in the process.

It killed me to not be able to blog while I was gone. That is such an integral part of this journey for me, it provides me with inspiration and strength. I don't think I would do so well without it for a prolonged period of time.

I am strong, capable and motivated! Most importantly, I know when I need help and when to ask for it.

Today:
1 serving pasta bake: 5
1 can soup: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving rice crisps: 2
yogurt parfait: 2
1 ww muffin: 3
1 banana: 2
1 serving pasta bake: 5
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 skinny cow ice cream: 2
1 serving bbq soy crisps: 2
Total for the Day: 33/44
Leftover: 11

I know I am under, but I am getting back to my rules here and its after 2am. I am not hungry, and I'm not trying to make up for Sunday. Today was just so busy. I will do better!

Oh, and I need to get to the gym this week, and next week and forever. I have been having a really hard time getting the motivation or energy up to go recently. This is important! I need all of the parts to make this work!

Step 1: Going to bed early tonight...

Day 62

Again, I am only playing catch up here, and I will be updating as usual tonight after my last meal.

This was last night, the Sunday, and the day that got me into trouble.

Today:
1 yogurt: 2
1 ww frozen meal: 4
1 low calorie oreo pack: 2
1 can veg soup: 5
tortilla chips: 2
3 pieces sw egg roll: 7
1/2 burger: 21
2/3rds pasta: 18
1 order french fries: 9
1/2 slice cake: 15
1 standard margarita: 3 (est using calorieking)
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 47/28!

I went over my weekly points by 19 points. I don't usually count activity points so I have no idea where that stands. I want to be upset about this, but honestly I'm not. I have done really well so far, I haven't fallen off the wagon, and I've never done it before.

More tonight.

Day 61

The real update will come from day 63 (tonight's update), I'm just playing catch up right now.

This was the Saturday away from home.

Today:

1 fiber one muffin: 3
1 yogurt: 2
1 bag light popcorn: 5
1 chicken sandwich: 7
1 serving bbq: 1
1 cup mashed potatoes w/ 1/4 cup gravy: 6
2 med slices pizza: 9
1 yogurt: 2
2 servings spaghetti: 8
2 meat balls: 2
1/2 cup sauce: 2
1/2 serv garlic bread: 3
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 6/34

Day 60

First of all, this is actually day 60! Day 60!

Second I want to apologize for not updating on time these past two days, tonights update for day 61 will also come sometime tomorrow. The internet service here at Nekocon is terrible in the videogame tournament room, which is where I staff, and the hotel wants 10 bucks a day for their service...and really I'm only in the room long enough to have a snack and sleep. I know some of you cant imagine how this could possible be relaxing...but it is. Nekocon is the lazy con. We come down here to VA and we staff the videogaming section. We play all day and hang out with friends and at night we get to go back to a comfy hotel connected to the convention center and sleep. I am having a really good time. I just wish I could let go of the stress at home.

I have been staying on top of my points and I have been doing well so far. I'm not making good food choices and I haven't been able to exercise but I have been staying within my points allowance. This is a good test for Thanksgiving and Christmas, because really that is my plan for those days. Have fun, be responsible. I wont lose 60 days to one weekend.

I dont have my food journal with me at the convention, but I have been updating it every night before bed so I will add in all of my food lists on Sunday night when I make my Day 62 post hopefully from home.

Thanks so much you guys for sticking with me!

Today:
1 ww frozen meal: 6
1 chicken sandwich: 7
1 serv bbq: 1
2 bites mashed potato: 1
1/2 order chinese spare ribs w/ white rice: 25 (estimated using calorieking and the internet)
1 ww frozen meal: 5
Total for the Day: 44/45 and 1/35

Day 59

So I was unable to update last night because of getting into the hotel around 3:30am and not having internet access. I could have purchased it but it was so late I would have been paying 10 buck to update blogger.

Yesterday was bad too, but its getting better. I had to run one of my own cats to the vet for an emergency. That was pretty stressful, and then I was rushing a bit and I was so exhausted that I fell asleep while sitting with my cat after the vet and didn't wake up until around 6pm. Then I had so much to do and so little time. I did not go over my points but I didn't get all of my veggies in.

I am now in Hampton Va, and some close friends of mine are looking after my animals. I am trying so very hard to relax. I need to relax.

Today:

2 cups shredded potatoes: 3
1/4th cup ww cheese: 2
1 veg burger: 2
1 slice bread: 1
1/2 serv nutella: 2
1 can veg chili: 9
1 serv cheese: 2
1 bagel: 2
1 serving ranch rice quakes: 2
1 serving fruit crisp: 2
1 ww lemon cake: 1
Pizza turnovers: 9
snacking in car: 4
1 serving cheddar snacks: 2
Total for the Day: 43/44
Leftover 1

Day 58

No cat yet. My friend and her baby are doing better so far though, hopefully they will be out of the hospital by Friday.

I have been dealing with a lot of stress this week and have been too busy to go to the gym. To make matters worse I feel like I twisted my knee somehow the day before yesterday. I'm not sedentary by any means. I am still up and going and going and going and so on.

I had a moment today where I almost let everything go and ran screaming to the nearest buffet. I was sitting there after checking empty cat traps, and listening to my friends daughter (I have been babysitting while she is in the hospital) chatter on about gold fish and I just felt the darkness creeping in. I felt rather blasé and disconnected today. I guess this was a "not feeling it" day Retta? I haven't been sleeping well, and I was hungry too, which made it worse. I felt so weak in the face of this battle today, but I didn't fold. I came in at 6 points under, but I didn't quit, and I didn't give in to my emotional terrorism. I'm trying to get to a point where even when I feel like it doesn't matter, I make the right choice anyway. This point also includes being able to make the wrong choice occasionally and still maintain my weight and my attitude. I want to be happy, healthy and stable.

I have another full day tomorrow. I will make it though! I have been so good and so faithful to myself and this journey, I just need to keep my eyes on the prize (my life) and enjoy the mini benefits (NSV's) along the way. I want this so badly, and I know I can keep this up, I need to keep this up. So I will.

Today:
Oatmeal: 2
blueberries: 1
1/8th cup skim milk: 1
4 french fries: 1
1 huge salad all green: 0
1/8th cup chick peas: 1
1 serving dressing: 2
1 serving bbq soy crisps: 2
1 can soup: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
2 mini ww cheese steaks: 8
1 serving potatoes au gratin: 4
2 servings spicy sw mustard: 3
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 light angel food cake: 1
1 serving ice cream: 2
Total for the Day: 38/44
Leftover: 6/44

I am under, but like I said, I'm still here and I didn't eat the wrong things. Every single day is another step forward and another inch won back. This is it.

Day 57

I know I have so many comments to respond to, I read them all. I just want you all to know how much I appreciate your own blogs and your input here. If I respond to everything, and say all that I want, I'll be here forever.

We did not find the cat, but we did get some scent leads and we put down humane traps to try and catch him. I am hoping so very hard that we find him by Thursday, so that we don't have to leave town not knowing where he is or if he is okay. The friend who in in the hospital with her baby is okay, he has gained 6oz since getting there.

I however am pulling my hair out. I'm just stressed about and for everyone. This has been such a busy horrible week, and I feel like I haven't rested at all. I'm posting here early in the hopes that I get to bed early tonight. I am completely zapped.

On Thursday night I am leaving to go to Nekocon, and I'm pretty excited because its a lot of fun and I haven't been in years. I staff the game room there with some pretty close friends, so it ends up being so relaxing, I have missed it, and this year my husband gets to go with me! I'm worried about our diets, but I think we will manage to pull it off. Its only 3 nights, and the hotel has a gym. Also there are grocery stores nearby and I have been researching the restaurants in the area because I know we will be going out at least once (its a tradition there for our staff to hit a steakhouse on Sunday night before going home).

I am going to take the suggestions and give my meeting leader a call. That way at least she will know that I haven't just dropped out, and if anyone comments she can explain. I'm not really sure why that matters to me so much, but I am stressed about missing a meeting.

Today was a good day food wise, despite being crazy disorganized. So far, so good.

Today:
1 cup oatmeal: 2
1 cup blue berries: 1
1/8th cup skim milk: 1
1 salad all green: 0
1 serving light dressing: 2
2 servings (1 large) chicken gumbo: 7
1 serving chili mac: 5
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 egg: 2
1 sausage: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving ketchup: 0
1 4oz skillet steak: 4
1 1/2 cups saute'd pepper teriyaki: 2
2 servings broccoli: 1
1 lemon cookie: 1
1/2 slice pumpkin cheesecake: 8
Total for the day: 44/44

I made it!

Day 56

Oh, but today was a long one. I spent 10 hours today trying to track down a missing cat unsuccessfully (called dogsfindingdogs, and they are coming tomorrow, please wish us luck, so that we can bring Jack home to his Momma!). Then I ran over to the hospital where one of my best friends was having a crisis with her 3 month old. They are alright. Needless to say, I wasn't good to myself today. I don't know how to draw my line yet. I did not go over my points: good day. I did not get in enough veggies: bad day. I did over 2 miles today including the gym (and I completed my circuit): good day. I broke my no eating after 2am rule: bad day. I broke my rule because at 1am I so few points eaten. I have just been really distracted, which I know isn't good enough, but I cant fret about it. I need to learn from it. I am never prepared for chaos. Also, I find that when I am highly distracted doing something I am deeply passionate about (cat rescue) I completely forget hunger. I need to get up, or just downstairs 15 minutes earlier on days like today so that I can pack a quick lunch and a snack, and I need to eat breakfast before I leave the house. I've never made enough time for myself, and I guess that it qualifies as "being good to myself". So I have my first be good aspiration: I want to make sure that I give myself enough time to have a day I wont worry about. This is a big one for me, as I don't recall ever doing this before. Time management has never been my forte.

Today:
1/2 Chili lime salad - 5
1 serving french onion soup au gratin: 4
1 serving ranch rice quakes: 2
2 servings cheesy chili mac: 11
2 servings ww cheese: 5
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 full serving nutella: 4
1 serving raspberry jam: 1
Total for the Day: 34/44
Leftover: 10

I know! I am having a critical time getting my points in this week. Tomorrow I will be more aware of my totals, and my food groups, especially veggies.

Also, just so everyone knows, I will be out of town from Friday to Sunday evening. I will try and make sure I can update every day, but I'm really worried about missing my Sunday meeting! Any suggestions? Should I call my leader and tell her I'm not going to be there? Should I pack my scale?

Day 55

Weigh In Results: I lost 5.2lbs this week! Bringing my total to 32.6lbs!

The last few days have been hard on the diet. I haven't fallen off or anything, but I have been sorely tested. Halloween begins on the 30th for us, and ended about 4 hours ago. I have been asked several times this week about what I am going to do about the Holidays. Okay, so in the past I have never successfully made it though them. They always knock me off of the wagon. Thanksgiving comes around and I am solidly on my path until its time to start cooking. Then I am tasting, working and indulging right on through to the day after when we are using up the leftovers.

I recently read a post from a fellow blogger talking about how the Holidays are only a very small portion of the year. By the Holidays (with a capital H) I mean, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. If you want you can take it right on into New Years Eve. Said blogger was correct, these 4 days and nights are a very small fraction of the whole. They will not in of themselves cause you to gain a stunning amount of weight. The idea that you should just allow yourself to indulge in these festive times, and not stress about it is a good one... If you can control yourself. If you believe (honestly now, ask yourself, even if you don't like what your answer is.) that you can hop off of the wagon one day and jump back on the next without wrecking your progress with self sabotage and weeks on end of "I'll get back on tomorrow." If indulging wont make you feel bad about yourself. If you can handle it. If if if. I know it sounds grim, but for me it is. Is it possible that I could just do what I want for just 4 days out of the rest of the year and not experience the negative end of any of those "ifs"? Yeah, it is. However the idea that I might succumb to any one of them is enough to keep me on my toes. I have experienced every single one of those things, and I know myself well enough to know that I cant tell myself that I have "off days". It doesn't work for me. Not that it never will, but I'm not ready yet, and I'm not far enough into this to test my newly found resolve. I'm still forging that steel.

I survived Halloween. My plan for the second Holiday is in the works. Right now I have a rough outline. I am going to enjoy myself. I am going to enjoy my family and friends. I am going to eat a plate of Thanksgiving dinner, and sample some desserts. Nothing huge, no fireworks, or rebellion. I will be counting my points that day as best I can, and I will be reserving my weekly points for the day. We rented a hall, so I wont have a gazillion leftovers to contend with, and its potluck, so while I will be making a good amount of food, it wont be anything near what I'm usually tasked with.

Today at the meeting we were talking about how its really important to be good to yourself. Another woman there who has lost 75lbs was talking about how she needed to get back to being good to herself. The leader asked her what she was going to do to accomplish that, and there I was sitting there imagining all sorts of things. I thought she might say she needed more alone time, or that she was going to get herself a manicure every week, or have a night out with the girls, or kick her son out or something that had nothing to do with what she said. She said she was going to get back to tracking her food every day and eating better foods. Wow. Have you ever had an epiphany about something that should have be obvious? I suddenly realized that my idea of being good to myself was also tied up with food. Previously when I had experienced a hard day and needed to unwind and relax I would turn to food and sedentary activity in tandem. A few weeks ago when I first joined Weight Watchers I read the phrase "Be good to yourself" in one of their weekly books, and I passed it over never really grasping beyond my utilitarian definition or point of view. Now today suddenly, I also want to be good to myself. So take that diet demons!

Today:
Spinach: 0
chic peas: 2
1 egg: 2
4oz chicken breast: 4
2 servings (estimated, I was at salad creations, and I'm not sure of the exact measurement) fat free dressing: 5
bite Mom's chicken: 1
4 chicken wings: 10
sauce/seasoning/butter: 7 (also hopefully over estimating the butter)
1/2 serving light ranch: 1
1/2 cup sliced carrots: 0
1 skinny mocha latte (homemade): 3
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 egg: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 piece turkey bacon: 1
1 piece chicken sausage: 3
1 serving ketchup: 0
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 1/34
Leftover: 33/35

Well, I certainly made up for the previous short post...

Day 54

Happy Halloween! I hope everyone had a great night. This is going to be a short blog post because I just got home and I have to get up in 6 hours for my weigh in tomorrow morning.

I had a very busy day helping a friend search for her cat. He got out yesterday and we cant find him, so I spent all morning looking for him. My food wasn't bad but I'm unsure about if I made it to my points. I did not go over them, but lets see:

Today:
Small salad from grocery store salad bar: 4
1 cup cooked oatmeal w/ blueberries: 3
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
taste of the icing I made for the cake: 1
1/2 slice of cake w/ icing (so good!): (over estimated, replaced a lot of the oil with unsweetened apple sauce)9
1 taste of apple pie room mate made: 1
1/2 cup mashed potatoes: 2
1/2 cup chicken and vegetable stew: 3
6 sweet potato fries: 4
1/4th cup cheese dip: 4
1 drink: 8 (to be safe, I didn't make it.)
4 tortilla chips: 2
Total for the Day: 42/44
Leftover: 2/44

Wow! That is pretty amazing. Wish me luck! When I wake up tomorrow it will be weigh in time!