Day 243

Alrighty, so I am working some things out. All of my recipes and meal plans and logs were on my laptop which is now in a FedEx box on its way to California. So I finally set up my desktop computer. I'd forgotten how nice it actually is. Since I got my laptop I haven't used it at all really. I need to set my meal plans up and back them up online so that if something like this happens again I wont be in the dark. I realized today that part of my issue with food this week has been that I don't have my laptop. I know that sounds strange, but normally I am so organized about my food. I realized today that I have only cooked once this week. Once. Normally I cook every single night. No wonder my food has been off. I hate that it is such simple things can wreck me. So now I am adapting. I set the bigger computer up, and while it isn't as portable (at all) I should burn some calories going up and down the stairs to use it.

I didn't go to the gym today, but I don't usually go on Saturdays. I'm okay with my week so far. I feel like I made a lot of really positive steps in the right direction. I'm still afraid to go to that meeting tomorrow. I feel like I am going to maintain. My food was bad this week, and tonight was my birthday celebration. I have to tell you though: I was really good. Did I have a few drinks? Yes, but only 2 1/3, and I checked the weight watchers points (4 points for a "sex on the beach") on them before I went. I had a single piece of cake. There were a few bites here and there, but nothing that should put me over the edge. I also stopped eating and drinking (except diet soda, its karaoke after all) after 11pm which is one of my oldest rules for Sunday.

I am so freaking proud of myself for all of the above. I do not want to go weigh in tomorrow morning, but I will. I will go knowing that coming back strong. I dont like feeling like it will be another maintain this week, but I have to be honest about that. I have to get it out there to cushion the blow if it does happen. Either way, I'll be okay. Maybe I'll even set a loss goal for next week.

*Also, now that I have a working computer again I will go back and read all of the blogs that I've missed! Sorry guys!

Day 201, 202

I actually wrote most of this post last night but couldn't get it to post because my internet went down.

This morning I did go to weigh in to face the music even though I knew I was going to gain weight. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I debated over and over in my head about missing it and making it up next week. Then I thought about this blog, and my anchor here. I knew I needed to go, I knew it would be good for me even if it was painful. It wasn't painful. I did gain. .4 lbs. I deserve it. I felt a lot better about my day and even my week after making it to the meeting though. My husband said he was proud of me and that it showed determination and commitment. The week started really well, I was exercising every day and eating the way I should have been right up until Thursday night... That brings me back to honestly. I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression of who I am. I'm also going to be honest about my mistakes even when I'm kind of embarrassed by them.

The post from last night:
Retta asked if my Thursday night activities were worth it. This question doesn't upset me or anything, but it does make me think. I don't really drink, and I never have. My vice has always been food. I can count less than 5 times in my life that I have ever even been tipsy. I've never been very adventurous that way, I like being in control. However, every now and then I do feel the urge to cut loose. I had a great time. I'm normally the designated driver ushering all of those happy drunken friends of mine out of the bar after last call. Yeah, I over imbibed, and while I don't regret it (or the experience as, it was a new one for me) I probably wont be doing it again soon. I usually have just as much fun at karaoke with my diet pepsi, and no hangover the next day. It also threw my week off (and I was having a great one) as I needed to be babied food wise because of my stomach. I don't know if this is rough to read for any of you, and if it is I'm sorry. I'm not embarrassed about being drunk (there, I said it), I am embarrassed that I messed my perfect week up. On the whole in my life are nights like these worth it? Yes, absolutely. In the course of this journey that means so much to me is it worth it to lose 3 days to it? Not really. Does this make sense or just sound unfocused. I think in a nut shell what I mean to say is that I don't regret it, I had a great time, but I wont be doing it again for a long time.

Tomorrow is Sunday, and my weigh in, and while the beginning of my week was stellar, it had a rocky ending. We live and we learn. I'm still in it to win it here.

Saturday:
1 orange: 1
Sushi (not a buffet, guessing (overestimating)the points values using WW): 16
4 oz chicken breast (lightly breaded in panko): 7
4 servings steamed broccoli: 0
2 servings mashed potatoes: 6
1 coffee: 6
37/41

Today:
1 orange: 1
1 serving cheerios: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1 baked potato w/ cheese: 7
1 small chili: 4
1 serving sun chips: 4
1 serving strawberries: 0
1 yogurt: 2
2 servings green peas: 2
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken: 6
1 serving brown rice: 4
2nd serving pineapple chicken w/out rice: 7
40/41

So it all comes back down to choices now right? My choice is going to be to move on, and have a really strong week this week, and make an amazing showing on Sunday. Those sound a lot like goals huh? Weight Watchers just passed out the materials for their Walk-It Challenge which includes a plan/ training guide to get you walking a 5k (Only 3.1 miles.). I'm going to start that this week. Don't worry its gentle. It starts with 10-15 minutes a day. I'm looking forward to keeping up with my Spring Challenge (Check in tomorrow) and walking more!

Day 197

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in." - Leonard Cohen

Normally I don't post quotes. It isn't that I don't mind them, but that I don't really find many that strike some internal chord with me. I read this one today in an article in Woman's Day that had nothing to do with weight loss, and I thought, "Wow, that was really sort of profound." I don't really know about the rest of the song, but those 4 lines are of an inspiring sort. I don't know if I am articulate enough to express how I feel (Oh the English major in me!) but I'm willing to try.

Ring the bells that can still ring
Do what you can with what you've got. Kayla over at Big girl No More wrote that she feared that she had already done permanent or lasting damage to her knees by being over weight for so long. She was discouraged and afraid. I feel the same way when I feel my back acting up, or my ankles. Or if my heart beats just a little strangely (to me, I'm a worrier, not a doctor). I am suddenly afraid that I wont have time to finish this journey or at least get to the part where I get to be free. We keep going though. When my back hurts, I do stretches, or I adapt my strength workout to lay off of my back. When my ankle hurts I push through it, and if I honestly cant? I adapt. I use what I can to get what I need to do done. Ringing that bell.

Forget your perfect offering
Do your best. Years ago while trying to lose weight if I made one tiny mistake, took a small misstep or had a less than perfect day in any way I would quit. I would just give up because I wasn't perfect. I felt like I needed to be perfect, and I was ashamed of making mistakes. Like a less than perfect day was a failure. It isn't, and it doesn't need to be! This still gets to me. Sometimes I still feel shame when I cant accomplish a perfect week, and get to the gym or eat only my daily points each and every day. Forget that stuff. Not being perfect is part of being human and I have never in all my life met someone that really and truly has a perfect journey. It just doesn't happen. I could be wrong, and if I am, kudos to those that have a will of steel. I feel like I am going through this thing learning what I need to in order to be healthy for life, not just until I weigh 160lbs. I cant make a perfect offering, my honest offering is enough.

There is a crack in everything
More on mistakes? Sort of. I'm not one of those sort of people who believes that human beings are all broken, but I think I was. I spent my entire life over eating to compensate for my feelings. As a child food was a fun thing, and then suddenly it wasn't. Food became something akin to confrontation for me. So often at meals (of all times) I was asked when I was going to lose some weight, or someone would ask my mom when she was going to put me on a diet. I was fat, I was always fat, but I was never truly obese until I realized that it wasn't okay to be fat. I don't think I ever hid food, or my eating habits or binged for real until I realized the those around me thought that I shouldn't be eating, which is kind of unfair to a 10 year old. I suddenly became hyper aware of everyone around me, and I felt like a constant target, whether I was or not. I did not want people to see me eating, even at a normal meal. So I started to hide. Maybe broken is a bad word, perhaps it is more accurate to say that I was given a complex. I built this fortress that I have been trapped in for so long, I haphazardly placed the bricks until I blocked out the sun. Over time the fortress started to decay, and develop cracks. The whole thing threatened to cave in on me, to kill me.

That's how the light gets in.
This is highly accurate for me. When I realized that I had those cracks I began to look for other people with the same problem. I found you guys. I've been around people trying to lose weight for a long time, but I've never seen so many people who are succeeding, struggling and putting themselves out there so honestly and without expectation. It took me a while to gather my courage, it was almost 2 months between my Day 0 and my Day 1, but I decided that it was now or never, those cracks were becoming deadly, and I didn't want to die. I'm finally getting somewhere, and making it toward my goals, short and long term. I have never felt this way before. I do not think that I would be the person I am today without having weighed 417.8lbs, I have a unique perspective on the world. I used my weight and food as a crutch, but I am ready to let it go. I don't need it anymore. So, the light had come in.

I'm not particularly good at this. Sometimes it is so hard to say things that it takes me weeks to get them out. I'm also not particularly good at weight loss, I am making it work, and I am making it happen, but I make mistakes. I take liberties and days off, and skip the gym and sometimes I use my extra points (Gasp!). I take everything one day at a time. I took the whole of my past, and all of my courage and I looked in the mirror and I made the choice that needed to be made. It must have been the right time to look in that mirror because never before have I ever felt that choice made so strongly with all of me in acceptance. I don't feel the need to rebel against the road I am on. I feel content, because for once, I am whole.

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 ww muffin: 3
1 serving buffalo chicken casserole: 8
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 serving cheese: 2
1 triple berry smoothie: 4
2 tbsp fat free cool whip: 1
2 serving cereal: 5
1 cup skim milk: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
41/41

Day 187

Tomorrow is weigh in day! I missed last week because I was moving and honestly, really tired. Tomorrow I wont miss my weigh in! I really hope to have lost a little despite it being a crazy 2 weeks with a few days of not counting. Even though my hopes are high I wont let it get me down if I get a bad number on the scale tomorrow.

I had a good day today food wise. I managed to eat all of my points pretty responsibly and get in a pretty respectable amount of points. Monday will be my first day back to the gym since getting sick. I think I am well on my way back to normal routine. I need to work on a way to get the word relax in there too. What will be, will be. I can affect the outcome with as much as I am given, but beyond that I need to chill. In my freshman year of college I had a professor once tell me that "You can't fix anything at 4am in your pajamas." He was right. I don't want people to worry about me, and how I'm stressing. I hate that stress gets to me the way that it does. Normal (What is normal anyway?) people do not crumble so easily! Maybe instead of shaking my fist at the sky I will try some of those relaxation techniques I have been researching. Hey, maybe I'd lose more weight? Nice thought...

So wish me luck, and hopefully tomorrow night when I report I'll be down at least a pound!

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 serving beef and potato nacho casserole: 6
1 pudding cup: 1
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 single size bag sun chips: 6
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
3 oz homemade chicken salad: 3
gigantic serving of spinach: 0
pickles: 0
broccoli: 0
cauliflower: 0
shaved carrots: 0
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1/4 cup ranch +1 for extra serving (HUGE amount of spinach to cover): 5
1 can soup: 5
1 serving american cheese: 2
1 yogurt: 2
40/41

If all goes well I should also have another recipe to post tomorrow! Night!

Day 182, 183, 184

We are moved in! Actually we were moved in yesterday, but I didn't have any secure internet. We had to get that straightened out, and then also naturally we were busy. Sorry I haven't been here. Honestly my diet parade has suffered a little. First I was sick last week with that wicked migraine and couldn't go to the gym, and then I was moving. I'm not really going to beat myself up over it all though because its life. Life is never as smooth as we plan it. I could have gone to the gym tonight but it has been the first night we have been able to relax since we moved in. So we are relaxing. I also didnt start counting my point again until today.

So a short post tonight as a comeback because I want time with my husband who has worked his tail off, but I do have a food log (so far for the night) for you. I hope that everyone else is having a great week!

Today:
1 leftover turkey burger: 3
w/cheese: 1
1 serving sweet potato fries: 3
1 serving bbq sauce: 1
3oz chicken breast: 3
1 arnolds san thin: 1
1 serving pickles: 0
1/2 serving swwet potato fries: 2
1 leftover turkey burger: 3
w/ cheese: 1
1/2 serving cheddar rice crisps: 1
1 pudding: 1
1 orange: 1
21/41

Today was a leftover eating day! But it was all on plan leftovers. Dinner is going to be chinese pineapple chicken with rice and some green veggies.

Day 179

I am going to make this update now because my husband is taking me to a movie for a bit of a change of pace tonight. It was hard for me to relax knowing that I had been planning to move on Sunday. I mean, I am still moving on Sunday, it just wont be in one day. Not to mention my ability to find whatever to worry about is just absolutely uncanny. Enough of that. My eating today has been good, and my fluid intake has been great. I need to keep my chin up here! I have great support on and offline and I'm not going to drown. That is my mantra for this week: I am not going to drown. I can swim!

1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving crackers: 1
1 whole wheat wrap: 2
1 egg: 2
1 serving ww cheese: 2
2 tbsp salsa: 0
3oz shredded potato: 1
1 tbsp ranch dressing: 1
100 cal pack cupcakes: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 ww yogurt: 1
1/8th of a light latte which was then promptly spilled by a combination of cat and roomie's husband: 1
21/41

Dinner is going to be barbie cups made with chicken, and peas on the side. Bringing my points to 29. So my husband and I are going to share some popcorn tonight at the movies. I'll be back to update the rest when I get home.

Day 174

Getting to the good stuff first and foremost: I lost a point! Today I weighed 347.2! Making my total weight loss 70.6lbs! I started at 44 WW points (which is the highest they go, I measured out to 48 points) and I am now down to 41! Who knew having to eat less would feel like a NSV? I am so glad to have finally gotten below 350lbs! I felt like it was taking forever, but lets be honest, that was because I avoided weighing myself for two weeks!

So now, lets talk about that February goal. My goal, made on December 27th of '09 was to lose 25lbs by today's weigh-in. I did not meet my goal. I am exactly 9lbs short. But, um, I cant help but not be unhappy about that. 9lbs short means I lost 16.4 lbs. January was a bad month for me, I was so very depressed and down and just generally lagging behind the parade over here. In the whole month of January I lost a total of 2 lbs. I was afraid for a while there that I was going to give up, but I didn't, and here I am. I am 3.8lbs away from being lighter than I have been in probably over 10 years, and now, only 48.2lbs from 299. I don't know that my weight loss will always be this phenomenal (to me at least), and I am prepared for that eventuality, but I'm grateful for the rate of progress I am having.

I said I was going to make some new goals once I weighed in so here they are: Long term (no set date): 299lbs. Short term: 20lbs by May 2nd, which is another 9 weigh ins away. I don't think that this is an unrealistic goal, but it is a touch over 2lbs a week at 2.22 per week. At that rate it will take me 4 months (or 21 weeks) to get to 299.

That is all good news, but something bad did happen to me last night at Target that I forgot to talk about. Though I suppose forgetting about it even for a moment has to mean there has been some healing. My husband and I were in an isle with another family, some kids, and a husband and wife. I didn't even notice at first because quite honestly it has been a while since it happened or since I've noticed it happening but the kids, two teenage boys were making fun of me, loudly. I froze for a minute thinking that perhaps I was wrong, and then not knowing what to do. There is my husband talking about shower curtains obviously not hearing what is going on (though he was quite upset about it when I told him) and I was doing everything I could not to just burst into tears. So I left the isle and pretended to need to look at something else until I thought they were gone. First of all, this whole episode make me feel incredibly weak. I feel like I should have stood up for myself, but to who? Two hoodlums toddling along after their parents in a Target? Their parents maybe? I have a little bit of a temper when I get upset and I'm not sure that I could have handled any sort of confrontation correctly. I thought about all of that before leaving the isle. It makes me feel feeble like I said, but I think I made the only choice that wouldn't have left me feeling ridiculous. I also think that had I been by myself I would not have left the isle at all, but Chad was there, and I was so afraid he would hear them. I was afraid, if only for a moment, that he would be embarrassed by me, or ashamed of me. That, folks would honestly be all she wrote, I would be done. He is not ashamed of me, or embarrassed by me, and I feel kind of guilty for ever thinking it. In a single moment of weakness, in a single moment I almost let two nasty kids bend my self image out of shape again. I'm more than that, and if my husband knows it, shouldn't I? The lesson I think I am learning is something that my mother tried teaching me early on: No one can take anything away from you unless you let them. I was made fun of in a Target, less than 12 hours before making 70.6lbs lost. I still win.

After the meeting today I had a 60th birthday party brunch to attend, there was a lot of food there but I didn't do badly, and I even managed to share a slice of the birthday cake instead of eating a whole piece myself. I don't know the exact points for everything I ate, but I can list it off: 3 mini (the size of a silver dollar) mushroom and onion tarts, 1 brie and cheese tart (same size), some fresh fruit, a mini (deck of cards sized) egg salad sandwich, 1/2 of a mini (same size) ham sandwich, 1 chicken tender, and 2/5 of a slice of chocolate cake (Which was so good, I am so glad I was able to set that down!). I'm calling it 20 points, but I'm honestly not sure. I had 34 weekly points left though so even if I am wrong I think I'm okay.

I have so much to do this week (moving, packing, fixing the place we are moving to), my hopeful goal is to get to the gym 3 times, but I am going to aim for 4.

Today:
1 pack 100 calorie pretzels: 2
Alex's Mom's Birthday party: 20
4 oz spaghetti: 3
1 cup homemade veggie sauce: 3
1 slice cheese: 1
1 cup homemade vegetable chili: 4
1 slice cheese: 1
1 bag popcorn: 5
1 piece chocolate: 1
1 coffee with skim milk: 2
1 serving sw baked ziti: 6
48/41

Which leaves me with 27 extra points until Tuesday, which I think is so not bad. Good night!

P.S. I know I have been given some awards, and that I haven't gotten to them. Please don't feel as though I don't want them, or appreciate them, I just haven't gotten to posting them yet. Thank you so much for supporting me in all of this!

Day 163

I am coming back slowly here. I have been floating listlessly around this week. I am starting to feel better I think. I haven't been off (again) but I haven't been trying very hard. I read once that a lot of the people who start a weight loss blog fall off the radar in short time. I dont want to be one of those people, but I do understand them. I understand life being overwhelming. I understand there being more to think about than how many points my dinner is going to be. I understand being stressed and needing to give this a back burner, but I don't understand not wanting this more than anything else ever. So for what its worth, I am not going to fade away. I will keep this up even if my coverage here is spotty (which I hope it isn't). Like I have said before I dont always know what to say, but I think I can just keep saying what I feel.

We have a bill for over $1400 dollars that is due in 9 days, we are moving in 18 days, and our car is giving us trouble. I do feel overwhelmed and stressed. This isn't an excuse to eat the wrong things, but it does leave me looking for that crutch I'm trying so desperately to walk without. I have said it time and time again but I don't think people who aren't trying to lose weight understand: This is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. It isn't about "just not eating", it isn't that simple. I feel like a plant struggling for life because of the weeds that have grown into my roots. I'm fighting to separate myself from this thing that has become an intricate, almost connatural part of me. The emotions that go along with splitting from this part of myself are intense and real and sometimes physical.

I am not perfect, nor do I wish to be. I'm here, in both good and bad times to help myself heal, and to promote growth. This has been my anchor whenever I felt like I was drifting away. I felt like I needed to come back here.

Time to catch up with the parade.

Today:
Sushi: 12
1 cup vegetable stirfry: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 1/4 cup bran flakes: 3
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 meatball sandwich (home made): 9
1 serving green beans: 0
1 (homemade) quesadilla: 5
1 serving ice cream: 3
42/42

Day 152-155

Picture #1: my street, with actual freaking snow dunes.
Picture #2: my room mates husband shoveling
Picture#3: my husband posing in the snow with our oldest doggie, Shadow.

So Baltimore is currently experiencing the worst winter its had in what appears to be over 100 years. I have been (for all intents and purposes) snowed in since last Friday. Diet parade isn't going so strong right now. I'm not off or quitting, but seriously? Life itself has sort of come to a halt. We have been playing board games and watching movies and shoveling and shoveling and shoveling.

We are supposed to be getting more snow on Monday.

What I want is for the roads to be clear enough for me to get to the gym, and OUT of the house for something OTHER than the grocery store.

More later, don't give up on me, I haven't given up either!

Day 145

The meeting was canceled, but I couldn't get anyone on the phone, and being the paranoid person I am I drove out there anyway. So, not wanting to skip a weigh in I came home and weighed myself here. Now again, my scale here is wonky at times so the weight I am going to give could change or whatnot. I weighed 355.8, which would mean I lost 5.8lbs this week. I'm counting it, but not calling it set in stone.

This is me (in blue) in highschool. I was 17 years old and already over 300lbs. I was taking blood pressure meds and skipping gym for fear of embarrassing myself or being embarrassed. Everyone else is talking about being over weight as a child so I thought I might throw my penny in the ring. I have been fat for my entire life. I have never been thin, or felt beautiful or athletic. I skipped social functions and epic events in my life to avoid being reminded of that. I have been called every name possible in the book by classmates, friends, family, and even random people on the street I don't know. Once I wouldn't share my labwork with a girl in my science class in highschool and later overheard her telling some of my other classmates that I "smelled, because all fat people do". I have been refused seats on a public bus before because someone didn't want to sit next to me. Being fat doesnt just make you the butt of fat jokes...it makes you the butt of every joke imaginable. People start looking at you like the weakest link and you end up looking like a safe target.

I regret being fat, I really do. There are so many things that I would change about myself physically. Physically, but not mentally. There is that one thing about being fat that I can actually appreciate. I am not one of those people. I don't exclude people based on their appearances and I certainly don't try and make myself feel better about my insecurities by hurting other people. I'm not a party girl, or promiscuous, nor do I desire to be. I'm smart, I have a mind of my own and a life (outside of being fat) that I wouldn't give up for all the money in the world. I'm not saying that being obese made me the person I am today, but I can say with certainty that it was a definite front runner in the shaping of who I am. How could it not be? It really is like a shell, and I'm breaking through. I am changing myself from the inside out, with the strength that I have developed from years of feeling constantly hunted every time I went out in public or had dinner with friends of put on a bathing suit. I started by pulling motivation from never wanting to experience any of those feelings ever again, and I'm going to finish by gathering the motivation from the new discoveries I make every single day.

Sometimes in my blog I don't always know what to write. What I ate today isnt always the most mesmerizing sort of thing to read I'm sure. Sometimes I'm sure it seems like I'm less passionate about this journey than I am on other days. I am here to tell you that this is so far from the truth. There are very few things in my life right now that mean as much to me as this does...there are very few things in my life that will be as commandingly vocal in my future. I want to be interesting and witty, but more than that I want to be honest and present. I want to succeed. So I'm going to keep on trucking down diet parade lane until I cant anymore and then I'm going to do it anyway. I will weigh 165lbs before I am done.

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 very, very large salad incl. dressing: 7
1 serving black beans and rice: 6
1oz crackers: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 slice cheese: 1
1oz crackers: 2
1 serving chicken, broccoli and rice skillet: 5
1 serving oatmeal bread: 2
1 arnold sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 serving ice cream: 3
38/42

Oh yeah, I am also down a point! Hooray for progress!

Day 138

...was a long one. I did make it to my meeting and I gained 1.2lbs. Yep, this is my first gain since I started. I know, I know everyone does. I just honestly felt like I was really on last week until Saturday night, which honestly might have something to do with it. I woke up on Sunday morning pretty swollen. My face was puffy and my ring was tight. I think perhaps the drink and the saltiness of the food provided for us at the convention were too much. Not to mention it being on the last of my period...I was retaining a lot of water.

I know that I need to step this up, I'm just not sure what that means right now. Before this, a small gain would have meant game over for me because I couldnt take it...now I just want to make the loss happen even more. Reviewing the previous week I did in fact go to the gym, and as I have said I will no longer beat myself up for the lack of movement during my period...but still. I think I ate a very unbalanced week. Too many carbs, not enough vegetables and not enough water. We had a large amount of starches and all of the grains being used were white. my eating schedule was terrible and I was falling back into binging at night to make up the points.

I'm not going to cry over it (because I did that earlier and I'm okay now), but I am going to do better this week. The war continues and it was hard to post this here but I felt like I really really needed to.

Today:
1 pop tart (fiber one): 3
1 cup mandarin oranges: 1
1/4 small chili: 1
1 large salad: 6
1 serving light chicken tikka masala incl rice: 6
1 ww frozen meal: 5
1 serving chicken and green bean casserole: 9
later 2nd serving of casserole: 9
1 serving light crackers: 2
42/43

I got in around 8 servings of veggies because of the enormous salad, and the green bean casserole is laden with greens.

There will be another update tonight for today (139). This entry was just very hard for me and I needed time to let my words be anything but reactionary. I'm not really upset anymore, I'm going to sit down tonight and really work out what I need to do vs what I can do and see if I can push it without becoming overwhelmed. I know where I am lacking, but not everything feels clear. I'm still on the path, but my marching is a little off rhythm you know?

Day 135

Okay, so today was not one of those days that I would call a good diet day. No gym today, or really any vigorous movement because it is just that uncomfortable. I've come to this conclusion: When I have my period I am going to do what I can and not kill myself over the rest. The fact of the matter is that every time I exercise when I'm bleeding (please excuse the TMI, it is relevant) I ruin some piece of clothing. Every single time. It is also incredibly uncomfortable both physically and mentally. I'm all for pushing myself, but then on weeks like this (it isn't always this bad) I wind up feeling like I have failed somehow, when honestly I'm still kicking arse. Now, I still have a card up my sleeve here. I bought something tonight that I haven't tried since I was 13, that I am going to try tomorrow. Hopefully I'll feel secure enough to do more than housework!

However today was really good for me mentally. I woke up feeling down on myself, but by then end of the evening I was feeling a lot better about where I am.

Now for the bad. I am only at 26 points for the day...out of 43. This of course is not the end of the world and I still managed to get in 4 serving of veggies in just those points. I was distracted and uncomfortable for most of the day, and by the time I remembered food I was past my 2am deadline. I ate though because at that point I was only at 10! I know, bad me! I don't see it as a complete bad thing though. As I have said before, it used to be that I would get distracted and eat and eat...now I forget which reminds me again of how food isnt the top priority in my life anymore That makes me incredibly happy.

I'm going to take and post some progress pics tomorrow night so stay tuned!

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 can soup: 5
1 serving crackers: 2
2 servings spaghetti with sauce, veggies and cheese: 16
26/43

Edit: I get to add 6 points for homemade hot chocolate with pink heart shaped marshmallows. So 32/43.

Sticking with it, even when a week doesn't go as planned!

Day 92

Today was a total bust. I was busy all day today until 5 or 6 and I got very little done while I was gone and so need to go back and do what I was doing yesterday all day tomorrow while getting ready for a party. By the time I finally got around to exercising it was sleeting outside, so no to that. I am going to do a video before bed and not beat myself up about it. I am going to try for the next few weeks to try not to let my expectations of myself get me all worked up. The fact of the matter is that I am in fact losing weight, and while I really do need to exercise I also need to take care of myself physically and mentally.

Oh the bright side I think I am going to try jogging. Wait. Don't yell at me yet. I dont mean full out running and I am not trying to hurt or punish myself or anything. I am pushing myself. I want to try interval jogging. Like 5 to 10 minutes of walking to warm up and a minute or two of jogging to start, rinse and repeat. I haven't jogged in years, but I actually feel capable right now. I catch myself every now and then jogging in the store or to the car. Nothing extravagant, but I think I am ready to try. Not on the treadmill though. Don't worry though, I'll be careful.

Since I have to take the car tomorrow anyway (we have been trying to go really easy on her since she was fixed so I haven't had access to her for a while) I am determined to go to the gym by myself. I can go through a circuit and some cardio and then maybe the day after it wont be so hard to get myself motivated. I really need to get back into the habit.

Also, off topic completely, can I just say that I love this season so very much!

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
3 pieces gyoza: 3
Sushi: 15
1 can soup: 3
2 slices cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice cakes: 2
1 banana: 2
1 ww yogurt: 1
1 serving white chicken chili: 7
1 cup ice cream: 5
1 bag popcorn: 5
Total for the Day: 44/44 and 5/35