Day 366

Today was about resting for me. I have worked out 4 times this week, which isn't bad since I'm trying to get back into the habit. My body however is really really sore. So I'm giving it a day. Tomorrow I'm going to hit the track. I want to give the strength training until Sunday or Monday before I push it again.

So today was boring except that I again kept to my points. I know that shouldn't be a big deal since it is the core of my plan but it really is a big deal for me. So, its a short update for today. Tomorrow I have some errands to run, and the track to do. I am making a gluten free macaroni and cheese and a green salad for dinner with the girls tomorrow night. Should be fun!

Today:
2 waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
3 servings light fruit cocktail: 4
1 can beef vegetable soup: 5
1 serving rice crisps: 3
1 chunk blue berry muffin: 2
1 sand thin: 1
1 serving tomato: 0
1 laughing cow light cheese wedge: 1
1 serving rice crisps: 3
1 serving Asian glazed drum sticks: 3
1/2 cup brown rice: 2
1 cup sugar snap peas: 1
29/38

I'll probably have some popcorn before bed!

Day 331

Today was actually quite a good day. I ate on plan all day for the first time in almost 2 weeks. Its a good step in the right direction. Slasher week started Monday, but other than that things are on track. I am feeling a lot better about everything.

I have a family reunion to go to on Saturday. The first one in years for my family. Since my grandfather died I have been feeling very strongly about family. I remember being 17 and feeling like such an outsider. I was the fattest person in my family, and the youngest granddaughter. I felt uncomfortable and ashamed and alone. Today I am looking forward to this reunion. It is the last big thing for this summer, and the first time I have seen many people in my family in over 10 years. In the past 331 days I have committed to saving my own life. I have lost an amazing amount of clothing sizes. I have jogged. I have lost almost 100 pounds. I have also struggled, been setback, gained, lost again, and found new life within myself.

In the past 331 days I lost one of the most influential and important people I have ever loved. I compare myself to my grandfather quite proudly. He was strong, intelligent, and determined. He always thought I was too. I want to live up to that. In the next 331 days I will. I am finding myself looking forward to something that would have scared me in the past, and I am going to win over the food battle that there will definitely be fought there. I said I still had all of the same motivation right? Well then, lets get back to it. I can, and will win this war. I'm dealing with my life and other peoples lives and my feelings and making it work. I know, everyone deals with their lives while also trying to lose weight. This is a personal account though, and I suppose on some level it wouldn't be complete without that part, and I would be lying if I said life was peachy right now.

I know this entry is all over the place! I'm just getting my thoughts out there. I'm trying to hang in there and get back to trotting along where I am supposed to be at the same time.

Getting back on the wagon, again.

Today:
1 coffee w ff cream: 3
1 banana: 2
1 can soup: 3
3 slices cheese: 3
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
2 servings mixed fruit: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving white chicken chili: 9
1 serving doritos: 5
31/38

Day 309

What was your "last straw"?

I read through a really interesting thread on the Weight Watchers boards tonight. The original poster talked about how she experienced what she thought should be her last straw, but that she had experienced things like that before. She was asking what everyone thought her problem was, and what everyone else considered their "last straw".

I don't think there is anything "wrong" with you if you are experiencing this. In fact, I think it's pretty normal. Yes, we (most of us) eventually come to a place in time, or a moment that sends us over that uncertain edge toward real weight loss and lifelong health, but that doesn't mean we haven't had several wake up calls in the mean time. The fact of the matter is that until we are ready to change and make sacrifices we aren't ready to make it. So you don't like writing down what you eat, you don't like cooking, you don't like going out when it's really hot, you don't like vegetables or you just don't feel like the effort. Then you are currently in waiting. You are waiting for your brain to catch up with your body. Your body already knows that it is suffering, but your brain still thinks of suffering as giving up daily ice cream, or walking to the mail box instead of driving.

When I was in middle school the kids used to make fun of me by stomping on the floor as I walked by. It wasn't enough.

When I was in high school I could not get through gym class, and I once heard one of my classmates tell the boy I had a crush on: "If I ever get that big, promise me you will kill me." It wasn't enough.

After high school I had wake up after wake up. Not being able to walk, not being able to buy clothes. Breaking lawn furniture, my bed. Not being able to fit into a seat on the bus, not being able to wear a seat belt. I was not able to fit in the desk/chair combos at school. It was not enough.

I weighed 384lbs the first time I ever became serious about losing weight, and I lost 45lbs. It wasn't enough. I lost momentum, and my heart wasn't in it. I was not determined and I had no idea what it meant to not quit. At that point in my life I had quit every single thing I had ever started. I felt like perfection was the only mark that made a winner, and I was wrong. It was easier to let the progress go than it was to forgive myself and make the sacrifice.

I weighed over 400lbs when I went to New Orleans and was almost unable to see the things I wanted to because of not being able to walk. It was not enough.

I weighed over 400lbs when I realized that I would never be able to have children like this. I was over 400lbs when I realized that I would never ride a bike again, or a roller coaster. That I would never run, or jog, or walk my dogs. I realized at over 400lbs that I had no future. Everything I had ever dreamed of was gone. Nothing was possible. I made a doctors appointment, and their scale could not weigh me. I had to go to the mall and pay to weigh in on a scale that went up to 500lbs. I got birth control, and while I was waiting for it to be filled I sat mourning the person I never was.

Apparently, that was enough.

I will never ever forget that day. I feel like it has been burned into the deepest part of my brain and all of the newly formed pathways lead me right back to that place. I will never be that girl again, but I will never forget her. She was my "last straw".

You wont make all of the sacrifices all of the time. That's pretty normal. I wont go for a walk in a thunderstorm and you know what? Sometimes I have ice cream, sometimes I even have it every day. All of the things you think you are going to lose, or hate or just wont be able to deal with - they are so superficial! Besides that they are just not true. Worse case scenario: You eat less ice cream, or less fat ice cream. You walk when it isn't raining, and you try your best to forgive yourself so that you can keep going after deciding on eating a whole pint of ice cream, or skipping the gym longer than you should. It never has to be the end unless you decide to give up. I made my decision about a year ago sitting outside the pharmacy at Wal-Mart looking at a girl mourning herself. I wasn't ready for a funeral. How about you?

Today:
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 fiber one yogurt: 0
1/3 serving pot roast: 2
1 serving potato: 3
1 serving carrots: 0
1 green giant just for one frozen broccoli and cheese: 0
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/2 serving lunch meat: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving mustard: 0
1 thick slice tomato: 0
1 cup spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving baked salsa chicken: 4
1 serving mexican rice: 5
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 serving ice cream: 3
1 (swest) egg roll: 6
edited to add:
1 fruit smoothie: 2
38/38 + 1/35 (my points rolled over today)

Day 297

So remember what I said about taking the reigns? I've got them. I worked out today, though not at the gym... It was a beautiful day here in Baltimore and I couldn't just stay inside!

A lot of the people who have or who read blogs do not have a gym membership like I do. It takes courage to go to the gym and sweat very hard in front of people you don't know. It's also hard to imagine yourself (if you are as big as I am or was) getting onto any of those machines and not breaking them. Trust me though, they will hold you, and they will change the way you feel about working out too. The gym (especially if you are going to add strength training to your routine) is a very valuable asset to the journey.

Now, for those of us not ready there are plenty of other things you can do to get your heart rate up!

This is the park near my house. I decided that since tonight is karaoke night and I had a lot to do at home I would get some cardio in at the park and enjoy some fresh air.

There is a bike trail that winds through a lot of my part of Baltimore and it cuts through the park here, which makes for wonderful walking/jogging/breathing hard.

Despite being in the middle of the city, its actually quite beautiful here, though different from when I was younger.

My grandfather taught me how to ride a bike right in this area here. There used to be fences and swings and monkey bars a jungle gym and concrete paths.

He would sit on a wooden bench here, with his Siamese cat on his shoulder while I played. I really miss him. I did not expect the park to drag out memories that way but they are very good ones. It made me sad, but not in a bad way. It was hard to leave this spot today.

I used to go to the community center here for games and organized sports for kids. It is where my brother won his first trophy. Kids still play basket ball here.

So I walked and jogged (a little, on and off, and it wasn't as bad as last time at all!). Then Before I left I ran up and down these stairs several times before walking home.

I think it was actually a great workout. Refreshing and out of the ordinary. And it definitely got my heart rate up! This is not a pretty picture, its a sweaty one! Though there was a very nice breeze today so it wasn't as bad as at the gym.

I will post my food, but this entry is coming so early a lot of my points aren't used yet. I have karaoke tonight and I wanted to make sure this post was made!

Edited to post food:

Today:
1 chicken sandwich: 5
w/ honey mustard: 1
1 side salad: 1
w/ spicy dressing: 4
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
1 serving taco soup: 7
1 serving corn bread: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
6 hours later:
1/2 serving taco soup: 3
1 serving corn bread: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
38/38

Day 288

I managed to submit my videos to the America's Got Talent Youtube contest tonight! That is how I spent my day. Making 3 more videos I was satisfied with and then submitting them. I feel weird with my face so visible on camera that way. Let's admit it once and for all: I am incredibly nervous period. I've always sung, but never with any outward motivation beyond karaoke. It's funny what losing weight does. It makes you be honest with yourself. Good and bad. I would love to sing. I have always been so afraid I would fail right at the jump because of my weight. Honestly I'm not sure I'm saying that I aspire to some huge career. I'm 27, and I want to be a mother. My life is changing so much! It's hard to keep up with what I want because so many things are becoming possible! That's a good thing right? Also, no one worry about me not being picked or being depressed about it. I'm really honestly good there. I'm just impressed that I actually took the chance.

Also I won a prize for the Spring Challenge! Amazing! I never expected it, and I'm really glad I took the challenge!

Today:
2 ww waffles: 2
1 serving reduced calorie syrup: 2
1 chicken nugget (yeah, I needed it.): 1
1 1/2 cups rice: 6
1 cup carrots: 0
1/2 cup green beans: 0
2 servings curry sauce: 2
1 tbsp light sour cream: 1
1 tbsp shredded coconut: 1
1 blueberry beer: 3
1 serving chicken noodle soup (homemade!): 4
1 serving dumplings (also homemade!): 4
1 strawberry cheesecake smoothie (strawberries, ff instant pudding mix, skim milk): 3
1/2 flat out wrap and salsa: 1
2nd (later) serving dinner incl dumplings: 8
38/38

Day 233, 234

Okay guys. I am honestly struggling now. I am not "off the wagon" or anything but I am having a heck of a time "feeling it". I am discouraged because of my own actions and I cant seem to get my head out of the mud (or my butt honestly whichever you think seems more right).

I have had a strange week. I have been busy almost every day this week and unable to go to the gym, but its like I was telling my mom: "I'm feeling incredibly unmotivated and its like life just keeps throwing excuses at me!"

I don't really have any defense other than "something is quite obviously wrong" but even that sounds like a cop out. Something has been wrong for a long time and I've managed until recently! My mom used to tell me when I was younger and was neglecting something that I claimed to be important to me that it "Must not be important enough." That isn't true this time though. It is important. Its getting to me in a big way. I've come so far and I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a giant abyss about to jump of the edge.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm not ready to give up, and I don't want to give up. I need to get my priorities straight and get back to it. If only it we as easy as just telling myself to do it! Remember when I said I had a habit of sabotaging myself? I meant it, and I feel like what I need is constantly at odds with what I feel like I want at any given moment. Where is the self control and self discipline that I worked so hard at over these last 9 months? It certainly didn't all go to dust at that first stumble.

I will go to the gym tomorrow and I will lose more weight. I don't know what Sunday is going to be like at my weigh in and honestly for the first time in a while, I'm afraid to know. I'm not over my points and haven't been yet, but I wasn't last week either.

I feel at an end here in one way or another. I have to chose to move on and get moving or I am in essence choosing to fail. I will never choose to fail again, so that leaves one outcome. Please bear with me.

This Sunday I am going to sit through the new member portion of the meeting again. Back to basics has worked for me before, so its back to basics I go. I'm being honest here and putting myself out there. I'm telling you guys that the road has gotten hard for me because it helps me leave it behind. It also makes it easier to come back here. I have been dreading this, how to say that I am struggling again, but then maybe I'm just still struggling. Perhaps the whole thing is a struggle? I'm not sure, but I want to keep going the way I was, and leave this weight behind. The fact that I am struggling has been keeping me awake at night, tearing myself apart to find the broken pieces, and that is not healthy. It isn't what I want.

I used to feel guilty for doing so well when other people were struggling. Now I hope someone like me reads this and gets as far along as they can without looking back.

Tonight at karaoke I was getting a refill on my diet soda and this guy randomly comes up behind me and tells me to go with water and lemon. I'm like "okay, but I feel bad sitting here all night taking up room at the bar and drinking nothing." I don't drink very much soda at all. My soda days are Thursdays and generally only at night at karaoke. The rest of the time its crystal light and water. Then he says: "Diet soda is even worse then regular, you should drink water with lemon it will burn the calories right off of you." ...Now he was drunk, and I'm really good at just letting things go, and being rational. This guy has never met me before and doesn't know who I am or what I've done. I was okay then, but sitting here at home thinking about it makes me cry. It makes me feel like the same girl who was sitting in wal-mart wondering if this was the end of her world. It makes me feel like I haven't done anything yet. It makes me feel raw, and it makes me want to come here and get this off of my chest. I will never weigh over 400 lbs again, I do not care how long it takes me to get the rest of this weight off. I will never be that desperate, helpless and sad girl ever again. That dude can seriously stuff his "water with lemon."

Today:
1 banana: 2
1 cup coffee w/cream: 3
2 bites mac and cheese: 1
1 cup mixed veg: 1
1 serving enchilada: 9
1 banana: 2
2 servings ww mac: 7
1 serving spaghetti sauce: 1
1 100 cal pack: 1
AFTER KARAOKE (6 hours later):
2 servings pasta: 7
another serving sauce: 1
1 slice cheese: 1
36/40

I don't usually drink coffee but I was babysitting at an early hour (for me) this morning, and I needed it!

Day 230, 231

So after this post, posts will go back to being once a day again for the most part.

On Sunday at weigh in I gained 0.2lbs. I think the party on Saturday and the sodium involved had a bunch to do with it, and I could complain and shake my fist but honestly? It wasn't a great week. I had a really hard time motivating myself to go to the gym and work out, and then my sleep went haywire. I was finally able to sleep last night. I do not know what kept me awake for so long. It could be stress (like everything else is), but it hasn't ever happened like that before. I had this pain in my neck and one shoulder and I couldn't get comfortable and then my brain just. would. not. shut. up. I'm hoping that this was an isolated event and that it wont happen again. Not sleeping was horrible, I felt like a zombie, numb but mobile somehow. I took today off too (just from the gym) to get myself back together after being a head case for 3 days.

I think I am still having some trouble with getting back onto the groove of everything here. I keep losing my focus in day to day life. I think I need to go back to my rules, or perhaps re-evaluate them. Our meeting this week was about what was keeping us from success and I have been thinking a lot about that. My environment is not it. I think my environment is pretty conducive to my diet, especially now that I've moved. Some of it is my friends, but not all of them. I have trouble saying no, and some of them have trouble accepting or dealing with what I am trying to do. My time management and planning have something to do with it too. I end up late or I end up running out of time (like on Thursdays) and I never plan for a successful outcome. These are some of the things the WW booklet mentions, but honestly? Its me. I am the one who has trouble saying no, and budgeting my time. I never thought I was the kind of girl who gives in to social pressure (Never tried smoking, never done any drugs not even experimenting, and I don't really drink.), I don't even take a lot of tylenol. Food though? It has this hold on my feelings and emotions. It's connected to my sense of comfort and belonging and even love. That is pretty powerful. I'm in wonder of those people (and there are some!) who can make this long journey without addressing their psyche.

So for those of you who are new here or just new to this blog: Am I failing because I maintained/gained this week? No way! I am still over 83lbs down! Like I said before, a stumble or failure doesn't have to be the end. It is an inevitable part of a very long journey, and this wasn't even a stumble. Some of you are reading me now for motivation, so I wanted to say if you take anything from my blog I want it to be the ability to just keep going! It takes 6-8 weeks to make something a habit and so much less time to screw that back up. Most of us give up before we can even get into the groove which may not be that much easier, but it so worth it. We get paid for our results. We get to live and breathe a little longer and little more comfortably.

I have discovered (just now it hit me) that my biggest problem is that I have put a time limit on how long I want it to take me to lose weight. I gave myself 2 years. I'll be 28/29 and I want to have children so I gave myself this mental finish line. My body does what it has to and I lose weight at the speed of my commitment which isn't going to be the same every day. I'm human you know? I want to get it off in two years, but honestly? I still have a long road to travel and the idea that I'm setting myself back time wise every time I don't lose weight is making me crazy. So: No more time crunch. I still want the weight off fast, but more than that I just want it off. Wow, what a random epiphany.

I'm going to come back strong this week. I feel like a woman on a mission here. I will lose more weight!

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I did not go to the gym enough this week, but I did go twice.
2. I did pretty well again this week, but I took Sunday off food and exercise wise as I was pretty much dead to the world and needed the break from thinking...about anything.
3. I went to my meeting! I've hit every one since the start of the challenge breaking a streak of missing them pretty often!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 9 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I like that suddenly I have motivation and dreams again! Before my only dream (the only one I had left after gaining so much weight killed the rest) was to have children...then the weight killed that dream too. So I struck out at it in what I felt like was the last time I might even ever try. I had pretty much had it with everything at that moment. I started gaining ground and losing weight and suddenly I started feeling like there were more possibilities in my life. I feel like I have more open outcomes than I ever have before. It feels freeing, and that's what I'm after: Being free.

Today:
1 serving pasta: 3
1 serving veg sauce: 2
second serving: 6
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1 tbsp olive oil: 3
1 serving black bean sauce: 2
1 fruit bar: 2
1 serving fruit snack: 3
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 serving chicken pot pie: 7
1 yogurt: 2
1 (later) serving chicken pot pie: 7
40/40

Day 221, 222, 223

Sorry to have missed posts for Friday and Saturday! I did say it was a busy weekend. There were tons of errands to run, I am cat sitting for friends at another house, grocery shopping, a 3 year old's birthday party (at Chucky Cheese) including gift shopping, and transporting said child and family to and from (I don't mind! Just explaining why I haven't posted until now.) When I got up this morning for my weigh in I was ready to cry! I was so tired I was feeling silly. I went to my meeting, but I did not stay for the walk after. I wanted to, I even brought my shoes with me, but by the time the meeting was over I was ready to go home, I still had to go grocery shopping and I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. I don't feel too bad about not staying to walk after, I still made the meeting despite feeling like I was duct taped to the bed.

So without further ado: I had a great week. I had great food, and I stayed right on top of my points. I had to since the monthly slasher was here and I wasn't able to exercise. This week I lost 5.4lbs total, bringing my total loss to 83.4lbs and my current weight to 334.4lbs.

I need to tell you guys, when the lady behind the desk gave me the results I was happy, I was relieved even. I was like "Okay, we stuck our landing, now lets keep moving." Then I sat down and opened the little tracker book that WW gives you and I lost it a little. I cried, just a little. I was sitting there trying not to embarrass myself, and wiping away tears. No one noticed thank goodness, I wasn't crying hard or anything, I was just teary eyed.

I can still remember how I felt when I realized I was over 400lbs for real. I remember not being able to get pregnant and giving in to the knowledge that I had no chance if I didn't lose weight, not to mention I could die, also for very real. I remember how defeated I felt when I asked for birth control and went to the mall to weigh myself on one of those "pay" scales that go up to 500lbs. The scale in the Dr's office only went to 400lbs. I remember sitting in Wal-Mart right after that waiting for my prescription to be filled and crying. I didn't feel like I had a path at all. I wasn't sure I could do what needed to be done. I had no clothes, I hardly fit in the drivers seat of a car, and walking through the grocery store was enough to make me cry. Everything was so hard already that I could not imagine a world in which I might lose weight for good. I felt so desperate and hopeless. I wish I had some beautiful and poignant way to say that I was already dying, but I cant. It wasn't beautiful, it was ugly, and it was sad. It was not what I expected from this life.

So today when I sat down in the seat in the back of the meeting (I was a minute or two late, and its a big group) and opened my little tracker and saw, not just how much I lost, but how much I weighed, there on paper, printed from a WW computer as a permanent record...it struck me hard. I was suddenly so grateful. Now that is beautiful and profound! This was one of those moments where you just get it, you know? You know you are going to make it, you know you are going to get to the place you are struggling so hard to get to. You know that all of the times you fall down add up to squat compared to the all the good you have done. You may just have saved your own life. And yeah, its that serious. I feel wonderful today.

Chad and I had a large brunch out today before grocery shopping, which will mean I am going to use some extra points today, but that's alright. He and I haven't been out together alone in quite a while, and it was really nice to just have a not rushed, uncomplicated meal. Dinner tonight is going to be homemade crab cakes with homemade (yeah I'm proud!) mango chutney, and baked yams. I will post my food log before I go to bed!

Also, tomorrow is the Spring Challenge Check in!

And a picture of last nights group from karaoke! I'm the one in jeans and a black shirt 2nd from your left:

Day 212

Adventures of the Killer Elliptical.

So today I finally figured out how to get the machine to accurately count my calories burned and give me an accurate resistance. I had to enter my weight. No brainer right? So I do that, and as I do I feel the resistance on the machine getting a lot more...resisty. At 40 resistance I was sweating so hard in less than 2 minutes that sweat was literally forming as fast as I could wipe it away, and I had to wipe it away in order to see. Now that I was finally playing fair and not pretending to weigh 150lbs the machine told me that I was burning between (depending on my strides per minute at the moment it was calculating) between 1150 and 1510 calories an hour! Woot, a real reading, finally. Still, um back to the killer thing? I finished my first 30 minutes at the right settings, still at 40 resistance and was really incredibly tired, like wiped out. I did my circuit, the whole thing, and when I got back on the elliptical my legs felt like lead. I did 10 more minutes and called it a day. So at 40 minutes and 40 resistance my calories burned on the elliptical today were 1033. Add in the 400 or so more I burn on the circuit and you get 1433. I can not be sad about that. Its really motivating to see how many calories I burn a day. I don't count the calories I eat so I'm not really tempted to eat a little more or have something I shouldn't because I have the "room" or something. It's just nice to see. I can bait myself on.

Now I received a bunch of comments regarding PCOS and its effects on me (and all of you who have it), and I realized that I don't talk about it much. Maybe I don't talk about it enough. I really feel as though I shouldn't because despite the fact that it does play a heavy hand in my weight loss I don't want to use it as an excuse for why I can't lose weight (and please do not think I am saying that about anyone else!). This is just my experience and I can not speak for everyone else, but I'm not really having trouble getting the weight off. When I do have trouble it's because I make bad decisions (so far). It does affect me though. For example, refined sugars slow my weight loss down a lot. I once had a period for over 18 months (yes, I have seen a Dr, and I have been checked for damage and I am fine. ) that finally stopped and normalized with a low carb diet. Weight Watchers is working for me because a) its actually low gi when done the right way. b) I'm actually getting off of my butt this time (which vastly and immediately improves insulin sensitivity). and c) I have real support.

The other reason I don't really talk about it is because I had some very bad experiences with doctors and PCOS and now I have this soapbox filled with anger and that really isn't what I want this blog to radiate. It's really hard to rationally talk about experiences that still deeply affect you. For example, after my period finally stopped with low carb dieting - it normalized and came back. The first 6 or 7 times it came I was so afraid it wasn't going to go away that I cried. I still feel a little unnerved when it gets here to this day. I am healing though, and I figure that I'll be able to talk about everything little by little.

The comments did remind me that PCOS can mess with your emotions and moods, and even up your anxiety, along with hurting your weight loss efforts though. It's a vicious cycle! Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome is "is the most common endocrine disorder of women". Insulin is a hormone, and in excess it stores fat. Most women who have pcos also have insulin resistance, meaning they are over producing insulin. Fat stores estrogen (I may be misspeaking here, it may be that fat creates estrogen, which is just as bad) which is then also released as we lose weight. That estrogen not only makes it harder to lose weight, it also seriously unbalances your moods/feelings/emotions etc., also making it harder to lose weight. Pcos can cause a myriad of issues from depression and anxiety to infertility and heart disease. It is a serious subject and can not possibly be defined by one case, experience or definition! If you think you have PCOS, talk to your doctor!

For more on PCOS from people much more in the know than I am: Go Here.

Anyway, I hope that wasn't too much of a segue away from my normal posts talking about my activity and food for the day! I had a great food day, but I haven't eaten enough! I think again that it's because I am so hot! My food was so great though that I only need 1 more serving of fruits or veggies to make my goal!

Today:
2 servings inside out egg roll: 3
1 banana: 2
1 100 calorie snack pack: 1
1 grilled chicken sand: 5
w/ bbq: 1
1 medium salad: 1
1 serving ff ranch: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving buffalo chicken mac and cheese (revised, wont be the last time, working on getting those points down low enough to post this): 11
1 orange: 1
1 wrap: 2
1 serving avocado: 2
1 egg: 2
1 serving cheese: 3
1 serving shredded potato: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving chocolate: 4
41/41 +2/35

Day 198

Today was both good and bad. I had a long day and I was out of the house for most of it. By the evening my back was so bad that shifting weight from foot to foot was unbearable. Yesterday I looked up some exercise/stretches for relief of sciatic pain (which is what I believe this is), and they help for a short time. The first time this ever happened to me it put me off my feet for over a week, I'm really hoping that this time it isn't so bad. Exercise doesn't seem to hurt it though which I am thankful for. I missed the gym tonight due to time constraints but made it to the local track with the girls. I also have a lot of naproxen left over (I am not a big pill taker) from that migraine I had, and that helped me some today and I read that an ice pack might also help, so I'm going to try that tonight (Frozen peas to the rescue!). Now there is something I am looking forward to: less aches and pains. I'm not saying that sciatic pain is just going to go away, but I'm sure that not weighing over 300lbs is going to help! I'm so tired of feeling sore! And before you ask, I have a physical scheduled in June!

My food is weird today also because of time, but I still managed to get in all of my veggies!

Short post tonight as I'd like to hang out with the hubby for a bit before bed. Good night!

Today:
1 ww muffin: 3
1 chicken sandwich: 6
1 cup cut up fruit: 2
bbq sauce: 1
handfull of peanuts: 1
1 small baked potato: 2
1 cup quick home made chili: 4
1 serving cheese: 2
2nd serving (each serving with 2 servs veg): 5
ranch dressing: 2
1 serving shepherds pie: 6
2nd serving (hours later, no extra pt): 6
honey mustard: 1
1 serving home made ww choc rasp torte: 4
1 serving cheetos (Yep, I did it. I shouldn't have, but I did.): 5
41/41 + 9/35

I used some extra points tonight! I do not know why but that always makes me feel guilty! That's really rather counter intuitive eh? I'm glad I can see that now. I have been much more active so far this week with the gym on Monday, big chores and walking on Tuesday, and the track tonight. A few extra points is probably good for me!

My mom is now eating WW with me because I do all of the cooking and make her lunches etc. She has lost over 100lbs with exercise. Her diet was bad, she wasn't eating enough and was relying way too heavily on supplements. When she first started WW with me she told me she knew she was eating too much and that she was only going to give it two weeks because she was afraid she was going to gain weight. Now, she has been sitting at the same weight for months trying to get it off. This woman works out hard, I mean soaking wet and still going! She should have been losing weight right? Nope. One week of Weight Watchers? She lost 5 lbs. Lesson: Do not starve yourself, eat right and make smart choices! Don't eat Cheetos. If you do though, write it down and let it go!

Day 197

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in." - Leonard Cohen

Normally I don't post quotes. It isn't that I don't mind them, but that I don't really find many that strike some internal chord with me. I read this one today in an article in Woman's Day that had nothing to do with weight loss, and I thought, "Wow, that was really sort of profound." I don't really know about the rest of the song, but those 4 lines are of an inspiring sort. I don't know if I am articulate enough to express how I feel (Oh the English major in me!) but I'm willing to try.

Ring the bells that can still ring
Do what you can with what you've got. Kayla over at Big girl No More wrote that she feared that she had already done permanent or lasting damage to her knees by being over weight for so long. She was discouraged and afraid. I feel the same way when I feel my back acting up, or my ankles. Or if my heart beats just a little strangely (to me, I'm a worrier, not a doctor). I am suddenly afraid that I wont have time to finish this journey or at least get to the part where I get to be free. We keep going though. When my back hurts, I do stretches, or I adapt my strength workout to lay off of my back. When my ankle hurts I push through it, and if I honestly cant? I adapt. I use what I can to get what I need to do done. Ringing that bell.

Forget your perfect offering
Do your best. Years ago while trying to lose weight if I made one tiny mistake, took a small misstep or had a less than perfect day in any way I would quit. I would just give up because I wasn't perfect. I felt like I needed to be perfect, and I was ashamed of making mistakes. Like a less than perfect day was a failure. It isn't, and it doesn't need to be! This still gets to me. Sometimes I still feel shame when I cant accomplish a perfect week, and get to the gym or eat only my daily points each and every day. Forget that stuff. Not being perfect is part of being human and I have never in all my life met someone that really and truly has a perfect journey. It just doesn't happen. I could be wrong, and if I am, kudos to those that have a will of steel. I feel like I am going through this thing learning what I need to in order to be healthy for life, not just until I weigh 160lbs. I cant make a perfect offering, my honest offering is enough.

There is a crack in everything
More on mistakes? Sort of. I'm not one of those sort of people who believes that human beings are all broken, but I think I was. I spent my entire life over eating to compensate for my feelings. As a child food was a fun thing, and then suddenly it wasn't. Food became something akin to confrontation for me. So often at meals (of all times) I was asked when I was going to lose some weight, or someone would ask my mom when she was going to put me on a diet. I was fat, I was always fat, but I was never truly obese until I realized that it wasn't okay to be fat. I don't think I ever hid food, or my eating habits or binged for real until I realized the those around me thought that I shouldn't be eating, which is kind of unfair to a 10 year old. I suddenly became hyper aware of everyone around me, and I felt like a constant target, whether I was or not. I did not want people to see me eating, even at a normal meal. So I started to hide. Maybe broken is a bad word, perhaps it is more accurate to say that I was given a complex. I built this fortress that I have been trapped in for so long, I haphazardly placed the bricks until I blocked out the sun. Over time the fortress started to decay, and develop cracks. The whole thing threatened to cave in on me, to kill me.

That's how the light gets in.
This is highly accurate for me. When I realized that I had those cracks I began to look for other people with the same problem. I found you guys. I've been around people trying to lose weight for a long time, but I've never seen so many people who are succeeding, struggling and putting themselves out there so honestly and without expectation. It took me a while to gather my courage, it was almost 2 months between my Day 0 and my Day 1, but I decided that it was now or never, those cracks were becoming deadly, and I didn't want to die. I'm finally getting somewhere, and making it toward my goals, short and long term. I have never felt this way before. I do not think that I would be the person I am today without having weighed 417.8lbs, I have a unique perspective on the world. I used my weight and food as a crutch, but I am ready to let it go. I don't need it anymore. So, the light had come in.

I'm not particularly good at this. Sometimes it is so hard to say things that it takes me weeks to get them out. I'm also not particularly good at weight loss, I am making it work, and I am making it happen, but I make mistakes. I take liberties and days off, and skip the gym and sometimes I use my extra points (Gasp!). I take everything one day at a time. I took the whole of my past, and all of my courage and I looked in the mirror and I made the choice that needed to be made. It must have been the right time to look in that mirror because never before have I ever felt that choice made so strongly with all of me in acceptance. I don't feel the need to rebel against the road I am on. I feel content, because for once, I am whole.

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 ww muffin: 3
1 serving buffalo chicken casserole: 8
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 serving cheese: 2
1 triple berry smoothie: 4
2 tbsp fat free cool whip: 1
2 serving cereal: 5
1 cup skim milk: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
41/41

Day 193

One line of TMI: I just took an active pill! The week of bad will in fact end!

Today was a little busy and a little sad. It was busy because I had so many errands to run, and it was sad because I decided to back out of a regular social appointment that I had been looking forward to. It isn't karaoke! No, but it was on Sundays at 4pm which is just bad timing for me. Sundays are weigh in days, and grocery shopping days for me. In fact most of the time I'm not even finished with grocery shopping until well after 4pm, and I am always overtired that day because I get up so much earlier than usual. We would be playing an ongoing game, which people needing to miss sessions for would be rather irritating and I don't want to be that person! I'm trying to lower my stress levels right? So I'm giving up this outing for quiet evenings home with my husband which I don't get enough of anyway. I was seriously giving myself another case of hives over disappointing people on this one, which was when I knew I needed to make this choice. So maybe not sad, bittersweet perhaps? I don't see my friends enough.

On the plus side though now that the week of bad is actually ending I feel really excited about getting back to exercising. Now that the weather is breaking some I could even go back to the track instead of doing all of my cardio on the treadmill! Being outside is much more interesting, but the workout is harder. I really need to get back to the grind! When I think about it I get this feeling like my body craves it. How nuts is that? A year ago I'd have said my body feared exercise!

Today:
1 cup cereal: 2
1/2 milk: 1
1/6 bubble up pizza casserole: 10
1 can soup: 7
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving cheese: 2
1 pudding cup: 1
1 serving spaghetti: 3
1 serving sauce: 1
1 100 calorie pretzel pack: 2
2nd serving pasta with sauce: 5
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
37

I made an amazing (tasty and low point) pasta sauce (Cheat not exactly from scratch!! Semi homemade?) using:

1lb 93/7 ground turkey
2 cans Hunts (or other 1 point per 1/2 cup sauce)
1lb frozen pepper strips
1 cup canned drained mushrooms
30 oz canned diced tomatoes
1 large onion sliced thinly
Minced garlic
Any spices you love, I used salt, pepper, and red pepper as the pasta sauce already has seasoning in it.

Brown the turkey and onions together, add everything else and let it simmer for an hour or more.

My batch made 19 servings at 1/2 cup and 1 point a piece. Nice. Now I have a low point chunky tomato sauce for anything else I make next week!

Day 191

So this was me back in October of last year, just one month into dieting. I don't really have a picture of myself right now in the same clothes because I didn't think of it, and I was a little busy today. So you get a picture of me mid cleaning my house in one of my gym shirts and a paid of size 26 jeans (that I love). I cant the pictures where I want them so the 1st column of pictures are the most recent ones. Please ignore my picture hogging pets! I love them!

It has been so hard for me to see the loss so far, and looking at these pictures now I cant see it either (it could be the scale) but today when I put these jeans on and looked into the mirror in the living room I thought "My GOD I look different." It is so subtle. Its like someone changed the lighting in the room over night and suddenly WHAM the carpet is green. The gray shirt I am wearing is also a nice tell tale sign for me. I don't have the pictures to prove it but when I first bought it over a year ago I had to stretch it out before I could wear it. Now, it feels comfortable and not constricting. I feel like I'm falling in love with myself, which feels strange and narcissistic. And someone please tell me what part of being fat makes you feel guilty about liking something about yourself! If I feel like I look good I feel bad about it, or that I should somehow not show that I feel good about myself. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of appreciating my own self image and I'm afraid someone or something will knock me off my feet, and well if that's the case isn't it safer to sit at the bottom? NO! I think I will probably be knocked off of my feet several times before this is over and I do not think I would ever give back one second of feeling good about myself. That feeling, even just for fleeting instants is something I have been craving for my entire life. It's more than physical. It's a whole feeling. I look good on the outside because I am finally taking care of the inside. I'm pretty sure that something like that is worth fighting for.

In other news, I am waiting, with baited breath for this week to be over so that I can get back to normalcy...and wear clothes I'm not afraid of destroying.

Today:
1/2 cup mashed potatoes: 2
1 barbie cup: 6
1/2 cup steamed broccoli: 0
1 banana: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1/3 serving lunch meat: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving mustard: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1/6 of bubble up pizza casserole: 10
1 serving french fries (baked): 2
1 tbsp ranch: 1
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1/3 of a slice of dinner (struggling for a satisfying idea): 3
1 pudding cup: 1
41/41

Eating is currently the enemy as it makes me need to use the bathroom, and using the bathroom is..unpleasant. /TMI

Day 187

Tomorrow is weigh in day! I missed last week because I was moving and honestly, really tired. Tomorrow I wont miss my weigh in! I really hope to have lost a little despite it being a crazy 2 weeks with a few days of not counting. Even though my hopes are high I wont let it get me down if I get a bad number on the scale tomorrow.

I had a good day today food wise. I managed to eat all of my points pretty responsibly and get in a pretty respectable amount of points. Monday will be my first day back to the gym since getting sick. I think I am well on my way back to normal routine. I need to work on a way to get the word relax in there too. What will be, will be. I can affect the outcome with as much as I am given, but beyond that I need to chill. In my freshman year of college I had a professor once tell me that "You can't fix anything at 4am in your pajamas." He was right. I don't want people to worry about me, and how I'm stressing. I hate that stress gets to me the way that it does. Normal (What is normal anyway?) people do not crumble so easily! Maybe instead of shaking my fist at the sky I will try some of those relaxation techniques I have been researching. Hey, maybe I'd lose more weight? Nice thought...

So wish me luck, and hopefully tomorrow night when I report I'll be down at least a pound!

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 serving beef and potato nacho casserole: 6
1 pudding cup: 1
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 single size bag sun chips: 6
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
3 oz homemade chicken salad: 3
gigantic serving of spinach: 0
pickles: 0
broccoli: 0
cauliflower: 0
shaved carrots: 0
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1/4 cup ranch +1 for extra serving (HUGE amount of spinach to cover): 5
1 can soup: 5
1 serving american cheese: 2
1 yogurt: 2
40/41

If all goes well I should also have another recipe to post tomorrow! Night!

Day 186

Tonight we went back to karaoke because we were asked to (EJ doesn't usually work on Fridays, and was nervous about the new crowd). I actually had a lot of fun, less singing, more hanging out. The couple (Rhonda and Rob) that usually run karaoke were there and Rhonda told me that I looked so different that her husband didn't realize I was there the night before. I was so flabbergasted that all I could get out was "Thank you!"

Now I know, and I'm sure you do too, that my journey has not been without its breakdowns and flat tires. I know that and sometimes it kills me to think that I am not perfect, but you know what? I am not perfect. I am so proud of what I have accomplished and so grateful for having the guts to do this. I can not imagine the human being I would be right now if I had continued gaining weight at 417.8lbs. In just 70lbs my self image has changed so greatly that I found myself thinking that I was attractive tonight in the mirror at the karaoke bar.

The weight loss its self has slowed down, but so many other things are happening. I am discovering that there is more to life than this! I can actually have off days and move on. Diet parade is no longer the change, its the norm! I can see over that fortress wall now. I stand amazed in a place I never thought I'd be: Recovering from the damage that I'd wrought on my own body, mind and heart. I know all of this is mushy and mental, but I have to tell you that if you are reading this and you are trying to lose weight coming from a desperate size you need to work through your mind too. I have never gotten so far before, and I know it is because my mind and heart weren't really in it. You hear people allude to that all of the time, but you never realize what it really feels like to be changing on the whole until you just are.

There are no videos from tonight, but I do finally have a video of just me singing from last night. The camera that was used isn't as good as mine is in a dark room, so you can't see me! Sorry! But you can hear me just fine. I was a little nervous as I hadn't even heard this song in almost a year...



Today:
6oz leftover pasta: 6
1 small serving pasta sauce: 3
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1 can soup: 7
1 yogurt: 2
1 cup hot chocolate: 4
2 servings beef and potato casserole (plus one point for the extra serving): 13
1 serving ww cheese: 2
39/41

I got a lot closer tonight, but I had to double up on dinner to do it. Also, I know it doesn't seem like it but I had 6 servings of vegetables today. Slowly but surely getting back.

Day 179

I am going to make this update now because my husband is taking me to a movie for a bit of a change of pace tonight. It was hard for me to relax knowing that I had been planning to move on Sunday. I mean, I am still moving on Sunday, it just wont be in one day. Not to mention my ability to find whatever to worry about is just absolutely uncanny. Enough of that. My eating today has been good, and my fluid intake has been great. I need to keep my chin up here! I have great support on and offline and I'm not going to drown. That is my mantra for this week: I am not going to drown. I can swim!

1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving crackers: 1
1 whole wheat wrap: 2
1 egg: 2
1 serving ww cheese: 2
2 tbsp salsa: 0
3oz shredded potato: 1
1 tbsp ranch dressing: 1
100 cal pack cupcakes: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 ww yogurt: 1
1/8th of a light latte which was then promptly spilled by a combination of cat and roomie's husband: 1
21/41

Dinner is going to be barbie cups made with chicken, and peas on the side. Bringing my points to 29. So my husband and I are going to share some popcorn tonight at the movies. I'll be back to update the rest when I get home.

Day 174

Getting to the good stuff first and foremost: I lost a point! Today I weighed 347.2! Making my total weight loss 70.6lbs! I started at 44 WW points (which is the highest they go, I measured out to 48 points) and I am now down to 41! Who knew having to eat less would feel like a NSV? I am so glad to have finally gotten below 350lbs! I felt like it was taking forever, but lets be honest, that was because I avoided weighing myself for two weeks!

So now, lets talk about that February goal. My goal, made on December 27th of '09 was to lose 25lbs by today's weigh-in. I did not meet my goal. I am exactly 9lbs short. But, um, I cant help but not be unhappy about that. 9lbs short means I lost 16.4 lbs. January was a bad month for me, I was so very depressed and down and just generally lagging behind the parade over here. In the whole month of January I lost a total of 2 lbs. I was afraid for a while there that I was going to give up, but I didn't, and here I am. I am 3.8lbs away from being lighter than I have been in probably over 10 years, and now, only 48.2lbs from 299. I don't know that my weight loss will always be this phenomenal (to me at least), and I am prepared for that eventuality, but I'm grateful for the rate of progress I am having.

I said I was going to make some new goals once I weighed in so here they are: Long term (no set date): 299lbs. Short term: 20lbs by May 2nd, which is another 9 weigh ins away. I don't think that this is an unrealistic goal, but it is a touch over 2lbs a week at 2.22 per week. At that rate it will take me 4 months (or 21 weeks) to get to 299.

That is all good news, but something bad did happen to me last night at Target that I forgot to talk about. Though I suppose forgetting about it even for a moment has to mean there has been some healing. My husband and I were in an isle with another family, some kids, and a husband and wife. I didn't even notice at first because quite honestly it has been a while since it happened or since I've noticed it happening but the kids, two teenage boys were making fun of me, loudly. I froze for a minute thinking that perhaps I was wrong, and then not knowing what to do. There is my husband talking about shower curtains obviously not hearing what is going on (though he was quite upset about it when I told him) and I was doing everything I could not to just burst into tears. So I left the isle and pretended to need to look at something else until I thought they were gone. First of all, this whole episode make me feel incredibly weak. I feel like I should have stood up for myself, but to who? Two hoodlums toddling along after their parents in a Target? Their parents maybe? I have a little bit of a temper when I get upset and I'm not sure that I could have handled any sort of confrontation correctly. I thought about all of that before leaving the isle. It makes me feel feeble like I said, but I think I made the only choice that wouldn't have left me feeling ridiculous. I also think that had I been by myself I would not have left the isle at all, but Chad was there, and I was so afraid he would hear them. I was afraid, if only for a moment, that he would be embarrassed by me, or ashamed of me. That, folks would honestly be all she wrote, I would be done. He is not ashamed of me, or embarrassed by me, and I feel kind of guilty for ever thinking it. In a single moment of weakness, in a single moment I almost let two nasty kids bend my self image out of shape again. I'm more than that, and if my husband knows it, shouldn't I? The lesson I think I am learning is something that my mother tried teaching me early on: No one can take anything away from you unless you let them. I was made fun of in a Target, less than 12 hours before making 70.6lbs lost. I still win.

After the meeting today I had a 60th birthday party brunch to attend, there was a lot of food there but I didn't do badly, and I even managed to share a slice of the birthday cake instead of eating a whole piece myself. I don't know the exact points for everything I ate, but I can list it off: 3 mini (the size of a silver dollar) mushroom and onion tarts, 1 brie and cheese tart (same size), some fresh fruit, a mini (deck of cards sized) egg salad sandwich, 1/2 of a mini (same size) ham sandwich, 1 chicken tender, and 2/5 of a slice of chocolate cake (Which was so good, I am so glad I was able to set that down!). I'm calling it 20 points, but I'm honestly not sure. I had 34 weekly points left though so even if I am wrong I think I'm okay.

I have so much to do this week (moving, packing, fixing the place we are moving to), my hopeful goal is to get to the gym 3 times, but I am going to aim for 4.

Today:
1 pack 100 calorie pretzels: 2
Alex's Mom's Birthday party: 20
4 oz spaghetti: 3
1 cup homemade veggie sauce: 3
1 slice cheese: 1
1 cup homemade vegetable chili: 4
1 slice cheese: 1
1 bag popcorn: 5
1 piece chocolate: 1
1 coffee with skim milk: 2
1 serving sw baked ziti: 6
48/41

Which leaves me with 27 extra points until Tuesday, which I think is so not bad. Good night!

P.S. I know I have been given some awards, and that I haven't gotten to them. Please don't feel as though I don't want them, or appreciate them, I just haven't gotten to posting them yet. Thank you so much for supporting me in all of this!

Day 167

Okay today was much more productive. I feel like I am being proactive again. I went grocery shopping with diet in mind and ate well today. I also have definite plans to go to the gym tomorrow night.

This week is going to be all about getting back into the swing of things and doing it while life is spinning crazily around me. I know these are supposed to be life habits and changes and so I need to get used to having my diet be my "normal" food response even when stressed or challenged.

I have spent the last few days reaffirming my goals and my NSV's and I feel like I am recharging a bit. This is how I know I have the right goals for me, they are pushing me in the right direction instead of making me feel oppressed or trapped.

Today:
1 baked potato with cheese and chili instead of a separate chili: 8
w/ light sour cream: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
3oz leftover lean steak: 4
1 slice american cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 2
1 bite ice cream -1
1 homemade skillet steak fajita with peppers and onions: 7
w light sour cream: 1
1 serving steamed carrots: 0
1 bag popcorn: 5
Another fajita w/sour cream: 8
1 cup roasted butter nut squash: 3
42/42

7 servings of veggies today along with a recipe that desperately needs to be posted tomorrow afternoon. I have a few more coming including a recipe for Indian Spiced Cauliflower and Potatoes which I will be trying tomorrow night! Getting back into cooking new things helps me to feel more passionate about diet parade too. I really think I am feeling better and I am so sorry to drag you all through what just might be a midst of a case of seasonal depression. Wish me luck!

Here I go again, forever.

Day 163

I am coming back slowly here. I have been floating listlessly around this week. I am starting to feel better I think. I haven't been off (again) but I haven't been trying very hard. I read once that a lot of the people who start a weight loss blog fall off the radar in short time. I dont want to be one of those people, but I do understand them. I understand life being overwhelming. I understand there being more to think about than how many points my dinner is going to be. I understand being stressed and needing to give this a back burner, but I don't understand not wanting this more than anything else ever. So for what its worth, I am not going to fade away. I will keep this up even if my coverage here is spotty (which I hope it isn't). Like I have said before I dont always know what to say, but I think I can just keep saying what I feel.

We have a bill for over $1400 dollars that is due in 9 days, we are moving in 18 days, and our car is giving us trouble. I do feel overwhelmed and stressed. This isn't an excuse to eat the wrong things, but it does leave me looking for that crutch I'm trying so desperately to walk without. I have said it time and time again but I don't think people who aren't trying to lose weight understand: This is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. It isn't about "just not eating", it isn't that simple. I feel like a plant struggling for life because of the weeds that have grown into my roots. I'm fighting to separate myself from this thing that has become an intricate, almost connatural part of me. The emotions that go along with splitting from this part of myself are intense and real and sometimes physical.

I am not perfect, nor do I wish to be. I'm here, in both good and bad times to help myself heal, and to promote growth. This has been my anchor whenever I felt like I was drifting away. I felt like I needed to come back here.

Time to catch up with the parade.

Today:
Sushi: 12
1 cup vegetable stirfry: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 1/4 cup bran flakes: 3
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 meatball sandwich (home made): 9
1 serving green beans: 0
1 (homemade) quesadilla: 5
1 serving ice cream: 3
42/42

Day 145

The meeting was canceled, but I couldn't get anyone on the phone, and being the paranoid person I am I drove out there anyway. So, not wanting to skip a weigh in I came home and weighed myself here. Now again, my scale here is wonky at times so the weight I am going to give could change or whatnot. I weighed 355.8, which would mean I lost 5.8lbs this week. I'm counting it, but not calling it set in stone.

This is me (in blue) in highschool. I was 17 years old and already over 300lbs. I was taking blood pressure meds and skipping gym for fear of embarrassing myself or being embarrassed. Everyone else is talking about being over weight as a child so I thought I might throw my penny in the ring. I have been fat for my entire life. I have never been thin, or felt beautiful or athletic. I skipped social functions and epic events in my life to avoid being reminded of that. I have been called every name possible in the book by classmates, friends, family, and even random people on the street I don't know. Once I wouldn't share my labwork with a girl in my science class in highschool and later overheard her telling some of my other classmates that I "smelled, because all fat people do". I have been refused seats on a public bus before because someone didn't want to sit next to me. Being fat doesnt just make you the butt of fat jokes...it makes you the butt of every joke imaginable. People start looking at you like the weakest link and you end up looking like a safe target.

I regret being fat, I really do. There are so many things that I would change about myself physically. Physically, but not mentally. There is that one thing about being fat that I can actually appreciate. I am not one of those people. I don't exclude people based on their appearances and I certainly don't try and make myself feel better about my insecurities by hurting other people. I'm not a party girl, or promiscuous, nor do I desire to be. I'm smart, I have a mind of my own and a life (outside of being fat) that I wouldn't give up for all the money in the world. I'm not saying that being obese made me the person I am today, but I can say with certainty that it was a definite front runner in the shaping of who I am. How could it not be? It really is like a shell, and I'm breaking through. I am changing myself from the inside out, with the strength that I have developed from years of feeling constantly hunted every time I went out in public or had dinner with friends of put on a bathing suit. I started by pulling motivation from never wanting to experience any of those feelings ever again, and I'm going to finish by gathering the motivation from the new discoveries I make every single day.

Sometimes in my blog I don't always know what to write. What I ate today isnt always the most mesmerizing sort of thing to read I'm sure. Sometimes I'm sure it seems like I'm less passionate about this journey than I am on other days. I am here to tell you that this is so far from the truth. There are very few things in my life right now that mean as much to me as this does...there are very few things in my life that will be as commandingly vocal in my future. I want to be interesting and witty, but more than that I want to be honest and present. I want to succeed. So I'm going to keep on trucking down diet parade lane until I cant anymore and then I'm going to do it anyway. I will weigh 165lbs before I am done.

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 very, very large salad incl. dressing: 7
1 serving black beans and rice: 6
1oz crackers: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 slice cheese: 1
1oz crackers: 2
1 serving chicken, broccoli and rice skillet: 5
1 serving oatmeal bread: 2
1 arnold sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 serving ice cream: 3
38/42

Oh yeah, I am also down a point! Hooray for progress!