Day 363

I had so many ideas for posts here today! I think I need to start writing them down for when all I have to talk about is my food and exercise.

I wanted to talk about Garrett from StagesofChange, but so many of you already have, and I don't want to rewound anyone. I'll keep it short. I missed the news of his death because of my absence. It made me cry. For him, and honestly, for myself. He was inspirational because of the daunting task ahead of him that he chose to acknowledge. Despite the ups, and downs that we all have he was trying to take control of his own war. I do not know how he died, and I wont make any guesses, but it does bring back that fear I wrote about a little under a year ago. It has been on my mind for a day or so now and I want to say that regardless of success in numbers I think this journey changes us. It makes us aware of our weaknesses and it makes us stronger for them. The end result isn't the only reward. I think we spend a lot of time thinking about what happens "when we lose this weight" but the path we take to get there is just as important. Even in death he inspired me. I hope that isn't too dramatic.

I went to the gym today! I wasn't able to do the whole hour on the elliptical I usually do, but I did 30 minutes, and I completed my weight circuit. My arms are going to be sore tomorrow. I had an interesting run in tonight at the gym with a woman I have never met before. I was signing into a weight machine and this very nice lady tapped me on the shoulder. She hadn't yet wiped the machine down and wanted to before I got onto it. She then asked me how I was doing and told me that she doesn't normally come to the gym, but that her husband had told her about me. I told her I hadn't been in a while. I didn't want to be like who is your husband because I'm shy and I didn't want to offend her. She realized in a moment anyway. She asked me how much I had lost (which I thought was kind of blunt but I want to be open about it so I told her) and then proceeded to tell me that she was frustrated that it was taking so long to come off (to be fair: she thought she was commiserating) and that she had lost 63lbs since her surgery in May, and where did I have mine done? I told her that I didn't have surgery, that I went to WW for the first time back in September of 2009. It got kind of uncomfortable after that, not in a bad way, but I think she might have thought that I didn't approve or something. It's a very personal choice and I know that it isn't any of my business. I shared with her the fact that my aunt is about to have it done (she is nearing 60 and can hardly walk) and that I think 63lbs is great. I also told her not to stress over it because slower can actually really be better.

This was an interesting run in for me because it was not the first time that someone meeting me assumed (without asking) that I had WLS to lose weight. I don't think that there is anything inherently wrong with WLS but I know that I can do this without it. I know that I need to do this without it. I want to struggle to get there so that I remember that when I am putting food in my mouth. I want to learn the skills to keep the weight off once I'm at a healthy weight.

My new shoes help up wonderfully to the gym today! I also learned that my gym is going to have Zumba classes too, and for much cheaper than the place I was looking at before. I'm just so nervous! I'm afraid I wont be able to move the right way.

Food was good again today:
1 serving cheesy orzo: 4
1 serving taco soup: 3
1/2 serving chicken salad: 2
1 arnold sandwich thin: 1
2 slices tomato: 0
1 banana: 2
1 serving sweet chili rice crisps: 3
1 serving cheesy orzo: 4
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 yogurt: 2
1/2 cup brown rice: 2
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken: 5
1/2 cup peas: 2
33/38

Going to have some popcorn in a bit which will finish out the last of my daily points. I'm really proud of how the week is going so far!

Day 361

Alrighty, so the bright side of being barely able to eat all week? I now get full easier and I had a really good weigh in. I lost 9.6lbs this week (and I am sure that some of it is water being that I was/am probably a bit dehydrated) bringing my total loss to 98lbs and my current weight to 319.8.

I go back to the gym tomorrow (and at least Wednesday and Friday) to hopefully lose just two more by next Sunday.

So my throat is mostly healed. It gets a little sore right after I eat and in the morning it was not great, but for what its worth the only symptom I have left is tiredness. I think getting moving (but taking it a little easy at first) is probably the cure.

Today:
1 baked potato w/cheese: 7
1/2 small chili: 2
1 hot dog w bun: 6
3 oz chicken breast: 3
2 oz (or less) lean steak: 3
1/2 cup grapes: 0
1 cup broccoli: 0
2 slices pineapple: 0
1 cup baby carrots: 0
1/2 cup fruit salad: 2
2 tbsp dip: 2
1/2 bag popcorn: 3
1 tbsp spicy olive oil: 3
2 servings broccoli slaw: 1
1 serving enchilada filling: 4
1 wedge laughing cow cheese: 1
37/38

I bought some champagne grapes today at the produce stand. I think for dinner I am going to make some quick chicken salad and add the grapes in. Hmm... I think I did well at the cook out though. I sampled some of the meat, and I did eat a whole hot dog, but I didn't eat any dessert and my second plate was entirely fruit. You know what? I didn't miss anything. I feel so much better for having stuck to it.

On the road again...

edit: Scratch that. Chicken salad is a great idea for lunch tomorrow. Tonight I had some broccoli slaw sauted in some spicy olive oil with a serving of the leftover enchilada filling and a wedge of laughing cow cheese. Yes.

Day 309

What was your "last straw"?

I read through a really interesting thread on the Weight Watchers boards tonight. The original poster talked about how she experienced what she thought should be her last straw, but that she had experienced things like that before. She was asking what everyone thought her problem was, and what everyone else considered their "last straw".

I don't think there is anything "wrong" with you if you are experiencing this. In fact, I think it's pretty normal. Yes, we (most of us) eventually come to a place in time, or a moment that sends us over that uncertain edge toward real weight loss and lifelong health, but that doesn't mean we haven't had several wake up calls in the mean time. The fact of the matter is that until we are ready to change and make sacrifices we aren't ready to make it. So you don't like writing down what you eat, you don't like cooking, you don't like going out when it's really hot, you don't like vegetables or you just don't feel like the effort. Then you are currently in waiting. You are waiting for your brain to catch up with your body. Your body already knows that it is suffering, but your brain still thinks of suffering as giving up daily ice cream, or walking to the mail box instead of driving.

When I was in middle school the kids used to make fun of me by stomping on the floor as I walked by. It wasn't enough.

When I was in high school I could not get through gym class, and I once heard one of my classmates tell the boy I had a crush on: "If I ever get that big, promise me you will kill me." It wasn't enough.

After high school I had wake up after wake up. Not being able to walk, not being able to buy clothes. Breaking lawn furniture, my bed. Not being able to fit into a seat on the bus, not being able to wear a seat belt. I was not able to fit in the desk/chair combos at school. It was not enough.

I weighed 384lbs the first time I ever became serious about losing weight, and I lost 45lbs. It wasn't enough. I lost momentum, and my heart wasn't in it. I was not determined and I had no idea what it meant to not quit. At that point in my life I had quit every single thing I had ever started. I felt like perfection was the only mark that made a winner, and I was wrong. It was easier to let the progress go than it was to forgive myself and make the sacrifice.

I weighed over 400lbs when I went to New Orleans and was almost unable to see the things I wanted to because of not being able to walk. It was not enough.

I weighed over 400lbs when I realized that I would never be able to have children like this. I was over 400lbs when I realized that I would never ride a bike again, or a roller coaster. That I would never run, or jog, or walk my dogs. I realized at over 400lbs that I had no future. Everything I had ever dreamed of was gone. Nothing was possible. I made a doctors appointment, and their scale could not weigh me. I had to go to the mall and pay to weigh in on a scale that went up to 500lbs. I got birth control, and while I was waiting for it to be filled I sat mourning the person I never was.

Apparently, that was enough.

I will never ever forget that day. I feel like it has been burned into the deepest part of my brain and all of the newly formed pathways lead me right back to that place. I will never be that girl again, but I will never forget her. She was my "last straw".

You wont make all of the sacrifices all of the time. That's pretty normal. I wont go for a walk in a thunderstorm and you know what? Sometimes I have ice cream, sometimes I even have it every day. All of the things you think you are going to lose, or hate or just wont be able to deal with - they are so superficial! Besides that they are just not true. Worse case scenario: You eat less ice cream, or less fat ice cream. You walk when it isn't raining, and you try your best to forgive yourself so that you can keep going after deciding on eating a whole pint of ice cream, or skipping the gym longer than you should. It never has to be the end unless you decide to give up. I made my decision about a year ago sitting outside the pharmacy at Wal-Mart looking at a girl mourning herself. I wasn't ready for a funeral. How about you?

Today:
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 fiber one yogurt: 0
1/3 serving pot roast: 2
1 serving potato: 3
1 serving carrots: 0
1 green giant just for one frozen broccoli and cheese: 0
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/2 serving lunch meat: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving mustard: 0
1 thick slice tomato: 0
1 cup spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving baked salsa chicken: 4
1 serving mexican rice: 5
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 serving ice cream: 3
1 (swest) egg roll: 6
edited to add:
1 fruit smoothie: 2
38/38 + 1/35 (my points rolled over today)

Day 305, 306, 307

This is me yesterday at the mall (its a complete mile around on the inside, which makes exercise really awesome!). I wear a size 22 pants now, but the girls (ahem, boobs) keep me from wearing a size 22 top. I'm still in a 26/28 top! That makes it really hard to ever, ever find a dress, not to mention that I have to wear a bra with straps. No ifs, ands, or buts. Otherwise the girls are a spectacle. Well, yesterday we were browsing in dressbarn and I decided to try this dress on. I just knew it wasn't going to fit (it was a 22) but it was so pretty. It fit! Not perfectly, but still, if I had the money and I would wear it more than once before suddenly being a size 20 or 18 then I might have bought it. I have never owned a dress I actually liked. I used to just buy the one (usually there was only one in the store) that fit for whatever occasion I was dressing for. My friend Nadine told me to twist to the side and not do yet another dead on front facing photo.

Weigh in was today and I lost 6.4 pounds in the last two weeks. There was no meeting last Sunday because of the holiday. I think 6.4 pounds is really kick butt! I am now 5.4lbs from 100 lost, and 24.2lbs from weighing under 300.

You guys are getting this post early because I want to hang out with my husband until bedtime with no interruptions. I will come back and update with my food though. I am going to spend some extra points tonight on some special ice cream!

For Retta (Because I loved your post, and your photo. I took this a few days ago and when I saw yours I knew I needed to post it): This is my Lola.

Day 293

Edited to add this photo. Please ignore my messy house! This was taken on Saturday afternoon (or Friday, my days are a little mixed up right now, I'm tired.). The pants in the photo are a size 32. I used to need a 34, but I don't have any of those left so these are apparently going to be my official weigh in pants! Inside these pants is me, wearing a size 22! Sorry the photo quality isnt that great, I cant find my camera so this was taken with my phone.

So I was feeling really discouraged this morning. I weighed in at my meeting and the scale there said I gained 1.4lbs. I have to say that I was shocked this time. I worked my butt off this week. Seriously. My food was lacking, I'll admit, but I didn't go over and I had a surplus of extra points and activity points that I didn't use.

I was really, really discouraged this morning...then I thought about it. My weight has been fluctuating downward slowly over the last few months and that has been putting a cramp in my step, and making me really second guess myself...which is honestly making me crazy. I've never lost this much weight before ever, and so I'm not always sure what to expect next. I'm not sure if this is normal. I will say that despite the numbers not being what I wanted in the last month or so I have dropped from a size 26 to a size 22. Besides that, I kinda have a feeling that the scale was wrong. I don't have a meeting next Sunday because of the holiday but I think after that I'm going to show a nice loss. I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning to get a base weight on my scale and then try very hard not to do it again until the next meeting. I will have faith in the process.

Not all in my life is peachy, its getting complicated again. My motivation is back, and pretty intensely too! I don't want to be all negative here, but sometimes I feel like the bad has to be talked about too in order to cope. So...the bed bugs are not gone as we thought and I know it's just me but they freak me out so badly that I am having trouble sleeping...pretty much at all. That is killing me. I'm so tired sometimes that I'm useless. I need to step up the workouts a little but I'm feeling exhausted at the moment. Never doubt the emotional toll of something like this ever.

These aren't excuses! I don't feel like I need them. I am 88 lbs down, and a size 22, down from a 34. This has been a hard year for me, and for my family but you know... I am persevering.

Today:
1 regular roll: 3
1 serving lunch meat: 2
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving lettuce: 0
1 serving tomato: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving peppers: 0
1 serving sunchips: 3
1/2 serving dirty rice cass.: 6
1 serving light mayo: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 light wrap: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
2 servings salsa: 0
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving ww pasta: 3
1 serving pasta sauce w/veggies: 4
1 yogurt: 2
2 servings beef and vegetable stew: 11
38/38 + 4/31

My points turn over tomorrow. Next week I pull my turnover day back to Sunday so that everything is the same. Weigh in and points reset day.

Day 286

Sorry this is late!

I went to my meeting yesterday and saw a loss of 4.4 lbs, putting me at my lowest weight thus far: 328.2. I am 10.4lbs from 100lbs lost. Its funny because when I saw the numbers I didn't notice how close I was to 100, I noticed the .4lbs from 90lbs lost first. I'm so used to little goals I guess. Its also hard to imagine 100 pounds lost when just to think about it in the moment I still feel like the same person. 89.6 pounds is a lot though. I feel like it isn't enough because of how far I have left to go (and yes it feels daunting sometimes). I'm not being fair to myself though. 89.6 means everything. It has meant walking, and smaller clothing sizes. It has meant my life. I am so ready for 100 lost.

I don't know if this is an NSV or not but after weigh in I was sitting in the car and I noticed a lump on my leg, down by my ankle. So I reach down to feel it and it was my ankle. I have bones now! I'm noticing a lot of things like that. I feel things on my body now that I'm not used to and it can be a bit unnerving but I think its because I have no idea what my body is supposed to be like. Suddenly I'm not just round and soft, I'm developing edges!

Sunday is grocery day as well as weigh in day and I didn't use my points well. We were out of the house all day. I need to work on my weekends.

Today:
1 whole turkey sub: 11
w cheese: 2
w mayo: 2
1 serving baked lays: 3
1 yogurt: 2
2 servings bubble up pizza casserole: 15
1 serving low fat ice cream: 3
38/38

Day 279

So raise your glasses of ice water to bravery tonight, because I did in fact go to my meeting. For the first time in a month. I'm planning to not miss anymore. I find it gets easier to find reasons not to go the longer that you don't. I gained 3.6lbs. Not terrible considering the month, and my recklessness. I'll admit too, that at first, and especially this morning, I felt ashamed. It's hard to separate your self worth from how much you weigh. When those numbers on the scale climb, we start marking down our value. As if somehow a few extra pounds on the journey as a whole equates us to a Wal-Mart rollback item. We are better than that. I know I am, and as much as it stung to go in there and face my consequences, it was certainly freeing to put them behind me and be able to move on and feel motivated again.

This week you are going to see me kicking butt.

On a side note I have decided to slowly start moving my starting day (for weekly points and such) to Sundays. Since we are doing it slowly I am starting by moving it back to Monday, and then in a week or so I will drop it back to Sunday. That way everything, weigh ins, and points wise will correspond.

I did not eat well today! Though I started out not so bad. I counted everything! I had take out with the family tonight and the worst I've done is use some extra points.

Today:
1 yogurt: 2
1/2 subway turkey sub: 5
w cheese: 1
w mayo: 1
1 serving baked lays: 3
3/4 dinner size serving taco soup: 6
1 serving cheese: 2
1 bite cheesecake )I made a banana cheesecake for my husbands father, he has been asking for it for over a year now.): 1
1/2 cheesesteak sub (hopefully over estimations using calorieking.com): 20
1 small order frenchfries: 13
3 buffalo wings: 4
38/38 + 20/35 (weekly)

It always has bothered me to use the weeklies, but this is what they are there for. I will say though that my body does not appreciate this treatment. After working so hard this week I ate and became really ill. It was either bad food, or my body in revolt...which gave maybe half of everything back. Ick.

Day 244

This is my post for Sunday! I lost 3.6 lbs! Bringing my total loss so far to 86.8 lbs and my current weight to 331.

Am I always doom and gloom? I woke up on time on Sunday morning despite having a late night and trudged dutifully to my WW meeting. On the way there I went over all of the positive changes that I was trying to make this week. I believe the reinvigoration challenge was a success. I feel better. There are still some things I really need to straighten out. My food has been a challenge in the last week, but I kept that in mind while grocery shopping after the meeting. My exercise is definitely better. Today is my birthday (I'm 27) and my gym clothes are now in the dryer. I am in fact going to work out today.

I'm proud of myself for knowing what my mental outcome would be before I stepped on the scale.

Spring Challenge update tonight!

Day 230, 231

So after this post, posts will go back to being once a day again for the most part.

On Sunday at weigh in I gained 0.2lbs. I think the party on Saturday and the sodium involved had a bunch to do with it, and I could complain and shake my fist but honestly? It wasn't a great week. I had a really hard time motivating myself to go to the gym and work out, and then my sleep went haywire. I was finally able to sleep last night. I do not know what kept me awake for so long. It could be stress (like everything else is), but it hasn't ever happened like that before. I had this pain in my neck and one shoulder and I couldn't get comfortable and then my brain just. would. not. shut. up. I'm hoping that this was an isolated event and that it wont happen again. Not sleeping was horrible, I felt like a zombie, numb but mobile somehow. I took today off too (just from the gym) to get myself back together after being a head case for 3 days.

I think I am still having some trouble with getting back onto the groove of everything here. I keep losing my focus in day to day life. I think I need to go back to my rules, or perhaps re-evaluate them. Our meeting this week was about what was keeping us from success and I have been thinking a lot about that. My environment is not it. I think my environment is pretty conducive to my diet, especially now that I've moved. Some of it is my friends, but not all of them. I have trouble saying no, and some of them have trouble accepting or dealing with what I am trying to do. My time management and planning have something to do with it too. I end up late or I end up running out of time (like on Thursdays) and I never plan for a successful outcome. These are some of the things the WW booklet mentions, but honestly? Its me. I am the one who has trouble saying no, and budgeting my time. I never thought I was the kind of girl who gives in to social pressure (Never tried smoking, never done any drugs not even experimenting, and I don't really drink.), I don't even take a lot of tylenol. Food though? It has this hold on my feelings and emotions. It's connected to my sense of comfort and belonging and even love. That is pretty powerful. I'm in wonder of those people (and there are some!) who can make this long journey without addressing their psyche.

So for those of you who are new here or just new to this blog: Am I failing because I maintained/gained this week? No way! I am still over 83lbs down! Like I said before, a stumble or failure doesn't have to be the end. It is an inevitable part of a very long journey, and this wasn't even a stumble. Some of you are reading me now for motivation, so I wanted to say if you take anything from my blog I want it to be the ability to just keep going! It takes 6-8 weeks to make something a habit and so much less time to screw that back up. Most of us give up before we can even get into the groove which may not be that much easier, but it so worth it. We get paid for our results. We get to live and breathe a little longer and little more comfortably.

I have discovered (just now it hit me) that my biggest problem is that I have put a time limit on how long I want it to take me to lose weight. I gave myself 2 years. I'll be 28/29 and I want to have children so I gave myself this mental finish line. My body does what it has to and I lose weight at the speed of my commitment which isn't going to be the same every day. I'm human you know? I want to get it off in two years, but honestly? I still have a long road to travel and the idea that I'm setting myself back time wise every time I don't lose weight is making me crazy. So: No more time crunch. I still want the weight off fast, but more than that I just want it off. Wow, what a random epiphany.

I'm going to come back strong this week. I feel like a woman on a mission here. I will lose more weight!

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I did not go to the gym enough this week, but I did go twice.
2. I did pretty well again this week, but I took Sunday off food and exercise wise as I was pretty much dead to the world and needed the break from thinking...about anything.
3. I went to my meeting! I've hit every one since the start of the challenge breaking a streak of missing them pretty often!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 9 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I like that suddenly I have motivation and dreams again! Before my only dream (the only one I had left after gaining so much weight killed the rest) was to have children...then the weight killed that dream too. So I struck out at it in what I felt like was the last time I might even ever try. I had pretty much had it with everything at that moment. I started gaining ground and losing weight and suddenly I started feeling like there were more possibilities in my life. I feel like I have more open outcomes than I ever have before. It feels freeing, and that's what I'm after: Being free.

Today:
1 serving pasta: 3
1 serving veg sauce: 2
second serving: 6
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1 tbsp olive oil: 3
1 serving black bean sauce: 2
1 fruit bar: 2
1 serving fruit snack: 3
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 serving chicken pot pie: 7
1 yogurt: 2
1 (later) serving chicken pot pie: 7
40/40

Day 221, 222, 223

Sorry to have missed posts for Friday and Saturday! I did say it was a busy weekend. There were tons of errands to run, I am cat sitting for friends at another house, grocery shopping, a 3 year old's birthday party (at Chucky Cheese) including gift shopping, and transporting said child and family to and from (I don't mind! Just explaining why I haven't posted until now.) When I got up this morning for my weigh in I was ready to cry! I was so tired I was feeling silly. I went to my meeting, but I did not stay for the walk after. I wanted to, I even brought my shoes with me, but by the time the meeting was over I was ready to go home, I still had to go grocery shopping and I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. I don't feel too bad about not staying to walk after, I still made the meeting despite feeling like I was duct taped to the bed.

So without further ado: I had a great week. I had great food, and I stayed right on top of my points. I had to since the monthly slasher was here and I wasn't able to exercise. This week I lost 5.4lbs total, bringing my total loss to 83.4lbs and my current weight to 334.4lbs.

I need to tell you guys, when the lady behind the desk gave me the results I was happy, I was relieved even. I was like "Okay, we stuck our landing, now lets keep moving." Then I sat down and opened the little tracker book that WW gives you and I lost it a little. I cried, just a little. I was sitting there trying not to embarrass myself, and wiping away tears. No one noticed thank goodness, I wasn't crying hard or anything, I was just teary eyed.

I can still remember how I felt when I realized I was over 400lbs for real. I remember not being able to get pregnant and giving in to the knowledge that I had no chance if I didn't lose weight, not to mention I could die, also for very real. I remember how defeated I felt when I asked for birth control and went to the mall to weigh myself on one of those "pay" scales that go up to 500lbs. The scale in the Dr's office only went to 400lbs. I remember sitting in Wal-Mart right after that waiting for my prescription to be filled and crying. I didn't feel like I had a path at all. I wasn't sure I could do what needed to be done. I had no clothes, I hardly fit in the drivers seat of a car, and walking through the grocery store was enough to make me cry. Everything was so hard already that I could not imagine a world in which I might lose weight for good. I felt so desperate and hopeless. I wish I had some beautiful and poignant way to say that I was already dying, but I cant. It wasn't beautiful, it was ugly, and it was sad. It was not what I expected from this life.

So today when I sat down in the seat in the back of the meeting (I was a minute or two late, and its a big group) and opened my little tracker and saw, not just how much I lost, but how much I weighed, there on paper, printed from a WW computer as a permanent record...it struck me hard. I was suddenly so grateful. Now that is beautiful and profound! This was one of those moments where you just get it, you know? You know you are going to make it, you know you are going to get to the place you are struggling so hard to get to. You know that all of the times you fall down add up to squat compared to the all the good you have done. You may just have saved your own life. And yeah, its that serious. I feel wonderful today.

Chad and I had a large brunch out today before grocery shopping, which will mean I am going to use some extra points today, but that's alright. He and I haven't been out together alone in quite a while, and it was really nice to just have a not rushed, uncomplicated meal. Dinner tonight is going to be homemade crab cakes with homemade (yeah I'm proud!) mango chutney, and baked yams. I will post my food log before I go to bed!

Also, tomorrow is the Spring Challenge Check in!

And a picture of last nights group from karaoke! I'm the one in jeans and a black shirt 2nd from your left:

Day 216

Okay so I lost exactly one pound. I knew it wasn't going to be big this week, as I feel like I was playing catch up, but at least I know I am going in the right direction again! AND I am finally under 340lbs. That is a pretty big deal to me! Total so far I have lost 78lbs even and I am proud of it. I also got my first walk it challenge star today. I was kinda disappointed this morning because I had forgotten that the meeting leader had proposed walking after each Sunday meeting to encourage participation in the challenge. I wore my flip flops...like I always do. Next week I'll bring my sneakers in a bag to change into after weigh in.

It was an easy day today, as the grocery shopping happened yesterday. So after weigh in this morning Chad and I got a little extra sleep before enjoying a very relaxing day. I've become addicted to Final Fantasy 13 and so he and I have also spent the day sharing the PS3.

My food was okay today. I got in all of my veggies, but I over spent a little at a a friends house for dinner. It wasn't too bad, I think I could have avoided at least 4 of those points (pepperoni and cheese!) though. I have extra points and that is what they are for!

Tomorrow is the spring challenge check in and I totally rocked it this week!

Today:
1/2 ww bar: 1
1 orange: 1
1 yogurt: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
1 yogurt: 2
1 100 cal pack: 1
2 cups steamed veggies: 2
1/2 cup salsa: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
bean soup, homemade, moms: 4
2 whole wheat pitas: 5
1 serving pepperoni: 4
2 servings regular mozzarella: 8
1oz sausage: 2
1 cup mixed baby greens: 0
1/2 cup tomato: 0
1 serving dressing: 2
1/8th cup mushrooms: 0
bean soup: 4
1 serving sunchips: 5
41/41 +9/31

Day 198

Today was both good and bad. I had a long day and I was out of the house for most of it. By the evening my back was so bad that shifting weight from foot to foot was unbearable. Yesterday I looked up some exercise/stretches for relief of sciatic pain (which is what I believe this is), and they help for a short time. The first time this ever happened to me it put me off my feet for over a week, I'm really hoping that this time it isn't so bad. Exercise doesn't seem to hurt it though which I am thankful for. I missed the gym tonight due to time constraints but made it to the local track with the girls. I also have a lot of naproxen left over (I am not a big pill taker) from that migraine I had, and that helped me some today and I read that an ice pack might also help, so I'm going to try that tonight (Frozen peas to the rescue!). Now there is something I am looking forward to: less aches and pains. I'm not saying that sciatic pain is just going to go away, but I'm sure that not weighing over 300lbs is going to help! I'm so tired of feeling sore! And before you ask, I have a physical scheduled in June!

My food is weird today also because of time, but I still managed to get in all of my veggies!

Short post tonight as I'd like to hang out with the hubby for a bit before bed. Good night!

Today:
1 ww muffin: 3
1 chicken sandwich: 6
1 cup cut up fruit: 2
bbq sauce: 1
handfull of peanuts: 1
1 small baked potato: 2
1 cup quick home made chili: 4
1 serving cheese: 2
2nd serving (each serving with 2 servs veg): 5
ranch dressing: 2
1 serving shepherds pie: 6
2nd serving (hours later, no extra pt): 6
honey mustard: 1
1 serving home made ww choc rasp torte: 4
1 serving cheetos (Yep, I did it. I shouldn't have, but I did.): 5
41/41 + 9/35

I used some extra points tonight! I do not know why but that always makes me feel guilty! That's really rather counter intuitive eh? I'm glad I can see that now. I have been much more active so far this week with the gym on Monday, big chores and walking on Tuesday, and the track tonight. A few extra points is probably good for me!

My mom is now eating WW with me because I do all of the cooking and make her lunches etc. She has lost over 100lbs with exercise. Her diet was bad, she wasn't eating enough and was relying way too heavily on supplements. When she first started WW with me she told me she knew she was eating too much and that she was only going to give it two weeks because she was afraid she was going to gain weight. Now, she has been sitting at the same weight for months trying to get it off. This woman works out hard, I mean soaking wet and still going! She should have been losing weight right? Nope. One week of Weight Watchers? She lost 5 lbs. Lesson: Do not starve yourself, eat right and make smart choices! Don't eat Cheetos. If you do though, write it down and let it go!

Day 195

I made the meeting today! No waiting: I lost exactly 1 pound. This makes my current weight 340.4, and my total loss 77.4 lbs. I will take it! Especially considering the few weeks I have had lately. I have been lucky, honestly because I haven't been on the ball. Yeah I have had a bad run, a killer week long migraine and moving, and the monthly from way down below, but how long am I going to let these things get in my way?

Yeah I'm not going to hurt myself over what I couldn't do, and I don't feel like these things weren't valid. I'm just trying not to let a bad run turn into hurricane season for diet parade. I won't lie, I wont be perfect, ever. That's part of the beauty of the journey! I have learned enough from all of the previous times I have tried to lose weight to find the one thing that I believe makes the difference and keeps me here, doing this, when all I think I want to do is fail for reliefs sake! I don't want to fail. Every single pound I lose brings me closer to being under 300lbs which is something I haven't been since before I was 16. Every step brings me closer to the things I want, and finally feel like I deserve! I cant give this up! I've come further than I ever have before! What is that one thing I have learned that I never realized in all of those previous tries? To keep going. I have learned that if I screw up, which is in fact a matter of a time and just life, that I don't have to start over, or quit, or binge out of frantic guilt. I am learning to let go of the guilt and keep moving. Has anyone else ever heard of the Isty Bitsy Spider? Sometimes that's what this feels like. I'm going to make it, I'm going to beat this weight, and defeat my inner demons. I'm at war with myself, and I intend to live.

Spring Challenge!

Loretta posted a Spring Challenge and I think I am going to do it with her. I'm starting tomorrow so I'm coming 2 days late, but I feel like its a positive step in the right direction. There is a prize, but I feel like I'll be giving a gift to myself just by finishing the challenge. It is 13 weeks long so I will be starting on March 22 and finishing on June 23.

I need to pick 5 of my own goals and try to stick to them (and maybe even turn them into habits) for 13 weeks.

My super hero goal is to exercise 5 days a week, for 13 weeks. It doesn't all have to be the gym, but I expect an hour a day in any combination of time (at least 15 minutes at a go).

I will eat my 9 servings of fruits and vegetables per day money and groceries permitting (I have to give slack for when I don't have supplies!).

I will make every single weekly Weight Watchers meeting between now, and then. I don't know if there will be one on Easter though, and I will be on vacation out of town on Sunday the 6th. So in 13 weeks I should be able to make 11 meetings which is a nice change from my twice a month right now!

I will check in every Monday, since I am starting on Monday.

At the end of 13 weeks, I am going to buy myself that bike, and start riding with my husband on the weekends.

So in short my goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

Anyone who wants to do this challenge is welcome! Check in with Loretta!

Today:
half bbq chick salad: 5
1 cup broccoli cheddar soup: 4
2 cookies: 2
1 subway sub: 13
1 serving baked lays: 3
1 serving cereal: 2
1 serving skim milk: 1
1 serving cheesy tuna mac: 9
1/3 molten cake shared with husband as a treat (my brother is a cook at Chilis): 9
41/41 + 7/33

Food will be much better tomorrow!

Day 194

So being that tomorrow is grocery day as well as weigh in day, I had a question for you all: What does your weekly meal plan look like? This assumes you plan at all! I have people relying on me to cook every night so I have to in order to keep us from take out or blowing our diets! Grocery day is Sunday, and I usually plan out my dinners and then I buy general things for breakfast and lunch, eggs, turkey bacon, lunch meat, cereal, soup etc. This week my menu looks like:

1. tuna mac and cheese (has veg in it)
2. meatloaf pizza pie with steamed broccoli
3. shepherds pie w green beans
4. orange chicken with rice and sugar snap peas
5. chinese pineapple chicken w rice and asparagus
6. beef stew

These are all home made and all WW recipes or recipes that I have made low point value. My issue is that I am completely lost on veggies here. I add veggies to almost everything, but some things need them on the side. Does anyone else get tired of steamed vegetables? I don't know. Its just my go to side dish these days. I also sometimes stock frozen veggies for quick light lunches, I'm easy when I'm just cooking for myself. I love vegetables as they are, I love them steamed and I love them roasted I'm just worried that they dont get the fan fare that they deserve at my unappreciative hand.

Tomorrow is weigh in and this past week has been terrible. I've made a few bad choices and of course it was also my time of the month, which keeps me from doing...well anything. Even my back up plan for that failed miserably! My eating wasn't too bad though, I stuck to my points veering into my weekly points a little, which is what they are for. I'm babysitting tonight but I am going to bed as soon as the little ones are taken home as I (again) do not want to miss my weigh in! Wish me luck!

Today:
2 servings pasta with sauce: 11
1 grilled chicken sandwich: 6
w honey mustard: 1
1 large cup of fruit: 3
last of (less than 1 serving) pasta: 3
1 cup pasta sauce (1 point for extra serving, can you tell tomorrow is grocery day?): 3
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 serving cauliflower: 0
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1 serving light ranch: 2
31

That's all for the evening. I know I'm off, but I'm trying to follow my own rules! Also, I'm not off by much that often.

Day 188

So I have this really horrible/funny story. You remember yesterday when I said that no matter what I wouldn't miss my meeting? Yeah. So my husband works a lot, and his social life suffers. He really only has one friend who isn't also my friend. Well, he and that friend got together yesterday to play video games. My husband stayed out until after 6am. Yes, after 6am. Now, I do not begrudge him his fun time, but when he came home at 6am he wanted to be "helpful" so he reset my alarm clock...which then never went off. To say that I was full of seething, angry rage would not do the moment when I woke up justice.

I know they are just meetings, but when I miss them I feel like I am falling behind, or not doing as well as I could be. I also love the support and the people there. I love sitting in a room full of other people struggling just as hard as I am to get to a similar goal. I would switch meetings to a more convenient time (we are a late shift family) but I love the connection with this group!

In any case I got up, got dressed and weighed myself this morning: 341.4. That's a loss of 5.8 from the last time I went to WW! I am currently lighter than I have been in years. This makes my total loss so far: 76.4lbs. So despite struggling with the gym, and stress and moving I am still parading down diet lane. I am seriously proud of myself. Even my new clothes are fitting very loosely!

I am supposed to go back to the gym tomorrow, but my monthly slasher flick is here in a bad way. I have a plan, but I'm not going to kick myself over not being able to hack a full circuit or cardio if I can't. I have pain and nausea today, but they aren't usually what keeps me from the gym...if you know what I mean.

Today was grocery day, and game night (at a friends house), so I will not be posting my recipe for Pizza Meatloaf Pie tonight, but I promise to get it done tomorrow! It was incredibly tasty!

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 serving sun chips: 4
1 subway sub: 12
1 serving dark chocolate: 3
1 serving pizza meatloaf pie: 9
1 serving green beans: 0
1/2 serving ranch: 1
a handful of almonds: 1
1 bag popcorn: 5
38/41

I do plan to use some of my extra points tonight. I was feeling fairly sick earlier, and now I feel starved! It's the monthly I think...

Day 187

Tomorrow is weigh in day! I missed last week because I was moving and honestly, really tired. Tomorrow I wont miss my weigh in! I really hope to have lost a little despite it being a crazy 2 weeks with a few days of not counting. Even though my hopes are high I wont let it get me down if I get a bad number on the scale tomorrow.

I had a good day today food wise. I managed to eat all of my points pretty responsibly and get in a pretty respectable amount of points. Monday will be my first day back to the gym since getting sick. I think I am well on my way back to normal routine. I need to work on a way to get the word relax in there too. What will be, will be. I can affect the outcome with as much as I am given, but beyond that I need to chill. In my freshman year of college I had a professor once tell me that "You can't fix anything at 4am in your pajamas." He was right. I don't want people to worry about me, and how I'm stressing. I hate that stress gets to me the way that it does. Normal (What is normal anyway?) people do not crumble so easily! Maybe instead of shaking my fist at the sky I will try some of those relaxation techniques I have been researching. Hey, maybe I'd lose more weight? Nice thought...

So wish me luck, and hopefully tomorrow night when I report I'll be down at least a pound!

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 serving beef and potato nacho casserole: 6
1 pudding cup: 1
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 single size bag sun chips: 6
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
3 oz homemade chicken salad: 3
gigantic serving of spinach: 0
pickles: 0
broccoli: 0
cauliflower: 0
shaved carrots: 0
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1/4 cup ranch +1 for extra serving (HUGE amount of spinach to cover): 5
1 can soup: 5
1 serving american cheese: 2
1 yogurt: 2
40/41

If all goes well I should also have another recipe to post tomorrow! Night!

Day 173

There was no gym today but I was on my feet until a short while ago. We spent the day out, walking through stores so I did get a bit of (a weak) a work out.

This is a short post because I have my meeting bright and early tomorrow morning and I don't want to have any excuses as to why I cant go.

We ate out today with my mom, and honestly I didn't think I did that badly but the points values of one thing in particular shocked me. We ate at Outback today as we haven't been out in a good while and life has been so stressful we just wanted to get away. We took my mom to lunch too.

Today:
Some of a bloomin' onion (probably less than 1/3, but I figured I would count it high to be sure): 12
2/3 of a 9oz sirloin: 6
1 baked yam with butter: 13?? (GOOD LORD! I know the website calculates brown sugar on top, which I didn't get but seriously? There could not possibly have been more than a tbsp of butter on there. I'm counting the points as the website showed them though.)
side of steamed broccoli: 0
low fat chocolate milk: 8
1 serving sunchips: 4
43/42

My food was awful today, but being one point over doesn't bother me at all, especially when I haven't gone over my points or used any of my allotted extras in a while. I think that tomorrow I will show a loss, but I'm not sure that I will show one worthy of the time spent away from my meetings. I deserve every second of that though, and I'm back on track now. Here is to hoping for the best! I am really looking forward to being done with moving and getting back to a regular existence and not having to worry about moving for a while. It is completely doing me in emotionally!

Edit: I almost forgot to mention my NSV! I fit into a size 26 pants on Thursday night! WOOT! I am down from almost a 34! I need to take my measurements soon!

Day 172

I went red today! I haven't dyed my hair in years, and I really just wanted something different. The shades in my hair are violet red, red red, and copper. My aunt owns a salon and does great work, in fact in my entire life, no one has ever touched my hair but her.

Please pardon the exposed bra, and such. It is kinda hard to keep it all restrained without a turtle neck or something. As you can see I am wearing two bras. The girls are shrinking though - yahoo! I posted this one because I was told it was the best one of me in quite a while. I do like the next one though.

This is the same hair, pulled back.

I feel like since starting to lose weight I look better. I don't mean just size wise either. My skin, and my eyes are just so much more bright. Sometimes I feel the weight too, I just feel lighter on my feet. Maybe in my darker moments I should go grab over 60lbs of potatoes and haul them around the grocery store for a while to remind me of how far I have come. I kinda felt like I deserved some color!

There was no gym today, but that was planned because of the hair appointment (that was 4 of us getting overhauls at once, so it took some time). I have tentative plans to go tomorrow though. My goal is to get back to going 4 days a week regularly. I think I can hack it.

My meeting is Sunday too. I wont miss this one, or anymore if I can help it. I'm almost caught up to the parade!

Today:
1 1/4 cup bran flakes: 2
3/4 cup skim milk: 2
1 whole wheat wrap: 2
1 serving shredded potatoes: 1
1 serving cauliflower: 0
1 serving low fat shredded cheese: 2
1/2 serving shredded buffalo chicken: 3
1 veggie burger: 2
1 whole wheat wrap: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 zucchini: 0
1 jalapeno: 0
1/3 serving sweet potato fries: 1
1 serving ranch: 2
1 serving spaghetti: 3
1 cup sauce (heavily laden with veggies): 3
1 slice cheese: 1
2nd serving of dinner incl cheese and extra point for extra serving: 8
1 serving bread: 2
38/42

Short again, but only by 4 points!

Day 148

I had my first diet parade nightmare last night. It's strange that I am having it now, so many weeks into this... In the dream (I'm so bad at remembering them) I was being chased by something bad (thus the running, it was probably asparagus...) and all of the sudden out of nowhere there was a desk and a scale. The normal WW receptionist was behind the desk, and the meeting leader was off to the side. Somehow, I knew I had to get on the scale and when I did I showed a gain. Then I was so devastated and they were yelling at me. It was pretty terrible. Don't worry though, when I woke up I found myself more amused than horrified honestly. It helps that I know that I could gain 20lbs and my meeting leader and the receptionist would never yell at me. They are great people.

It also helps that I made it to the gym again today! I did another 60 minutes (2.66 miles) on the treadmill and my full circuit. Now for your daily dose of "duh": When I enter my work out into the fitness computer there is a screen where you enter the intensity of your work out. Then it gives you calories burned. I have always entered "2" because on the treadmill I am still in the 2's as far as miles per hour go. Today I was enlightened to the fact that I am doing it wrong. It isn't about the treadmill setting, its about perceived exertion. According to that scale and the results of the computer today I have been shorting myself anywhere from 150 to 350 calories burned per day! Eek.

I am going to be running to bed early again tonight. I do not know why I am so tired so early these days, but I am. Last night I finally for the first time in weeks slept for 7 1/2 hours straight without waking. It felt awesome. I am aiming for that again tonight.

Today:
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 serving pulled buffalo chicken: 5
1 serving spinach: 0
2 servings green beans: 0
1 serving light margarine: 1
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 oz crackers: 2
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1/4 cup dried cherries: 2
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 serving meat loaf: 8
1 cup mashed potatoes: 4
1 slice cheese: 1
1/20 cup steamed peas: 1
1 serving bbq sauce: 1
38/42

Is anyone else living in the area that is going to be affected by this monster snow storm coming on the weekend?

Day 144

So despite the snow dump on Baltimore all day today I still made it to the gym. I did a full circuit, and 60 minutes on the treadmill, so 2.66 miles. I also did 4 minutes on the bike while I was waiting for a treadmill. I managed to do a mile, which isn't much, but I'm still proud of getting on the bike. My food today wasn't bad either. I managed to catch 6 servings of veggies today and finished most of my points before 11pm (if you are new to reading this, I get up 4 hours early on Sundays so I stop eating earlier than usual). I made it to 37/43.

I also defeated some sweets today. I came home to find that my room mates had purchased 1/2 dozen doughnuts. My room mate even figured out the points for me, and I could have had one. I'm sure tons of people will wonder why I didn't in that case, but even I'm not completely sure. It was almost knee jerk. I wanted one, but I really did not want one. You know what I mean? You want that greasy/sweet/salty/horrible thing but you do not want the aftermath, and knowing that about yourself kind of means you just don't want it anymore...

Tomorrow is weigh in day, but I'm not sure there will be a meeting tomorrow because of the snow, so I have to call in the morning unless I can find some magic 1-800 number that has all of the closings... If they are on, I will be there, hopefully showing a nice loss. I will admit though that getting up 4 hours earlier than usual to get dressed, go out into the snow and find out that there is no meeting is going to make me nuts.

Wish me luck!

Today:
1 green tea with 2 tbsp honey: 2
1/2 leftover salmon stir fried with extra veg, and mandarin oranges: 5
1 yogurt: 2
1 orange: 1
1 serving sunchips: 4
1 subway sub, whole: 12
1 can beef vegetable soup: 7
1oz crackers: 2
2x tea with 1 tbsp honey: 2
37/43

Not bad.