The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Day 53

Here is another hard one. This is not an angry or sad blog, its more an introspective one. I'm trying to take a look from the outside.

I have always been blessed. I am a very heavy person that has never had trouble walking, or making friends, or sore knees. I often have a sore back, but really I blame that on the size double F cup. I have had borderline high blood pressure though, since I was 16. I remember the day that I found out about it. My pediatrician sent me to an endocrinologist because she was worried about my weight. I don't remember what I weighed then, but I know it was over 300. I don't know what went through his mind, I don't know how he saw me, or what or even if he valued me at any level, but I know he chose to treat me like a burden to his practice. He treated me like (in my opinion) being fat made me less worthy of his help or his time. He flat out told me at 16 years old that I would never do it myself. Then he proceeded to use scare tactics. He told me all of the things that I would die from if I didn't start "controlling" myself and lose some weight. He asked me about my activity during the day and when I told him how far I walked home from school (to a friends house) he told me I was lying. I'm not going to get into the hows or whys, or drama of it all, but I've been thinking about something for the last two hours or so. Fear. Sitting there in that doctors office being berated and seeing my mothers face twisted with worry takes me back to being 12 years old and seeing a news story about a little girl with a weight problem who died. she was younger than me. Every night for weeks I went to bed thinking: "Am I going to die?" Wondering if I would get to finish my favorite books, or if the last thing I said to my mother was good enough. Flash forward to 16. The doctor told me all about the things that kept me awake every night. I used to wonder if I was going to have a heart attack in my sleep, or in the gymnasium, or doing the mandatory mile for gym class. Flash forward to 22 (I think). I had a period lasting 18 months. I was so scared. I had so much fear and shame that I could not bring myself to see a doctor. A low carb diet finally stopped it. Flash forward again to this past summer. I went to the beach on a very hot day. Walking through the sand and back to my car was so hard I had chest pains. Literal chest pains. I was so frightened that I came home and told my husband that I was afraid I was going to die. I have spent almost every day of my adolescence and now adulthood filled with fear that my weight was going to kill me. That was also the day that I finally decided to stop ttc and start hormonal birth control. I couldn't get pregnant, and even if I did, I was afraid it would kill me. I still wonder if when I go to sleep I am going to get up in the morning. Fear has consumed so much of my life and my joy that I sometimes get lost in the idea that I have it so badly. Sometimes my personal perspective clouds things. It can be really hard for me to feel like someone else has to struggle the way I have or do, and I know that it isn't true. I know that this is hard for everyone. I now feel like my fear has made me trivialize the efforts of someone else, and the fact of the matter is, I simply never looked at it that way. We learn some hard truths in our lives, and one of them is that the things we say affect other people, even when we don't mean them to. Its growing up. I weighed over 400 lbs less than a month ago, and I did/do feel like I couldn't relate to someone who has a lot less to lose than I do. I don't really feel so much like that right now, as its funny how a few hours can change your perspective. The journey in common creates a lot of the same emotions and brings so many of the same reactions to the surface. My fear has made me feel so alone, and it just isn't right because I'm not. The above mentioned events are not so much to separate me from the crowd, but to show my skewed perspective. After all, this is about more than the outside change, its also about changing my insides so that eventually they can work in tandem without constant reminders. All of this is again one more way in which numbers on a scale and terrible self image have shaped me, one more way that weight has consumed me. I don't feel sad, or hopeless. I feel determined. I cant give up, and I wont. I'm finding new things every day that make me feel good, or fulfilled that arent food or related to food. I'm trying to be empowering and empowered. I'm trying to win the battle for my life... Just like the rest of you.

Today was a bad food day. I did not reach my points as I was very busy today and spent a lot of it feeling stressed. I'm getting up early tomorrow morning to help some friends with cooking that they have to do, and then coming back home to actually complete my baking project and get ready for trick or treaters. Ladies and gentlemen, I am so tired, but having so many good friends is so worth it. Sometimes I think I lose sight of that. I'm having a hard week I think, emotionally.

Sunday is weigh in day!

1/2 banana: 1
1 cereal bar: 1
1 serving lasagna: 6
1 ww yogurt: 1
1 grilled chicken sandwich: 7
Movie theater popcorn: 14? (I'll admit, I was bad. I was STARVING and ate most of the container)
Total for the Day: 30/44
Leftover: 14

Wow, I haven't been this off in a long time...

Friday, October 30, 2009

Day 52

I was given The Gorgeous Blogger Award today by Patsy! I will get to that in just a moment, I'd like to go through the rest of my day first!

Today I did a lot of running, so my meal choices were not so great. They weren't bad, like I didn't go over my point except for a half a cup of skim milk in the evening, which I was aware of at the time. I have been eating a lot of potatoes lately, which I'd like to get away from some. Not because they are horrible or anything, but they are starchy and I do have PCOS with all of its wonderful side insulin resistance! I'm well aware of the effects of a lovely white potato...even if they are yummy. I am really glad to be exercising almost every day though. I know that just 30 minutes 4 times a week can improve insulin resistance quite a bit, I do more, so hopefully I am kicking its butt! I went to the gym today even though I was still visiting with my monthly slasher flick. I did about a mile on the tread mill, and I completed my whole circuit, which is what I was most worried about. I can do the cardio at home, but I'm not really comfortable with the strength training at home yet.

This weekend is filled with landmines though. Tomorrow I am baking bad things for a Halloween party that I go to every year. I am not really that worried about eating what I make because I hand out candy on Halloween and wont make it to the party until 10 or 11pm. I stop eating on Saturday Nights at 11pm. I may indulge in a drink or two, which I don't do very often. I'm prepared mentally for this, and I wont fail! I will not have all kinds of cake and candy and southern cooking that I like so much. I will remember that it makes me feel bad in the long run, and will slow my down!

Also today I happened upon another NSV. One of my rings literally fell off without my knowing it (into my purse thank goodness!). I can no longer wear either off them. This is a mixed blessing. I am excited that I am losing weight and inches, but sad that I cant wear those two rings until I get a ring guard for them. They hold a lot of sentimental value.

Now to the award! Thank you so much Patsy, I am also incredibly touched to be recieving it, also being new to blogging. I never really expected to have so many people reading and cheering me on, but I have to admit it helps to drive me. So, thanks to you all.

So I have to nominate 7 of you, and give you 6 facts that you probably don't know about me. You are so all so special and I appreciate every single one of you. I have said it before, but you all deserve awards. This one goes out (specifically) to:

A Daunting Tale of Scale Warfare

CinciMom11: Losing the Baby Weight

Loretta's Journey from 460 to 199… One Good Choice At A Time

Molting: Dropping Fat Like Feathers

QUICK... Save me from myself!

My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog

Busting the seams....

Now for 6 things you don't know about me...

1. I sing, or rather I used to. I haven't in a while, but I have some professional training. Everyone tells me I'm good, but I have trouble with compliments. Its one of the things I love about myself, it keeps me feeling both grounded and connected at the same time. If you know what I mean.
2. I have never had the chicken pox (and not for my mothers lack of trying...), or anything like it and I don't have an allergy to poison ivy, or oak or anything like that.
3. I was named Ruby after my grandmother, but I also have two middle names, not with with a hyphen. Ruby Nichole Rae. What's cool is that my married last name has a similar sound to my maiden name. Nice flow. ;)
4. I run an art show for Otakon once a year, which I love, but is a lot of hard work.
5. I don't have a birth mark.
6. I have sleep paralysis, but haven't had an attack in about a year.

1 Barbie Cup: 6
1 banana: 2
1 baked potato w/cheese: 8
1 small chili: 4
spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving 2% cheese: 1
1 serving light ranch: 2
1 serving salad topper: 1
1 serving lasagna: 6
1 serving peas: 1
1 can soup: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice cakes: 2
1 angel food cake: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
raspberry jam: 1
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 1/35
Leftover: 34/35 Extra

I can live with this!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Day 51

..and I'm over that line and on my way! At least, that's how I feel today. I feel really good about my accomplishments and my progression thus far. I started to get down on myself today when I could not go to the gym. My period is just that heavy. However the reason that I cant go isn't because I'm not capable. Its because I don't want to make a mess with everyone watching and embarrass myself. So I called my brother and asked him to take a walk with me. I find him really easy to talk to, plus he is built like a line backer so I don't feel unsafe walking around Baltimore City after dark. I walked 1.4 miles tonight. Without the treadmill. It totally kicked my butt. You never really realize how much easier on you the treadmill is. Plus, the off treadmill route had hills and terrain changes. I walked 1.4 miles in 35 minutes. I even took the most challenging hill on the way home too. The one I avoid like the plague when it snows or rains. I had to slow down a bunch at the top of the hill, but I kept going. I'm really proud of myself today. It was a cardio day and I got my cardio in!

Tomorrow is a cardio and strength day, so lets hope my issues slack off a bit. We are carving pumpkins tonight, and I'm really excited. I know, I'm like 12 right? I love Halloween, and I always have. I wanted to be Little Red Riding Hood this year, but I don't think that I can afford the costume this year. Plus sizes are incredibly expensive. Next year, if I keep this trend up, maybe I wont need to order a super plus sized costume from online. So I have noooo idea what I am doing on Halloween, but I do have my kitty cat back up. ;)

1 baked potato: 3
olive oil spray: 1
2 slices turkey bacon: 3
1 egg: 2
1 serving ketchup: 0
1 can soup: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving sriracha: 0
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving turkey: 2
spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving mustard: 0
1 ww yogurt: 1
1 slice lo cal bread: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
2 bites dinner filling: 1
1 Barbie Cup: 6
1 serving corn: 2
spinach: 0
pickles: 0
1/2 dressing: 1
1 serving salad topper: 1
1 mock sloppy joe: 5
1 ww pb cup: 2
Total for the Day: 41/44
Leftover: 3

I will probably update this list later to include some low point ice cream!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Day 50

Wow! 50 days on diet parade! It's only just begun...

I had a good day today. I spent most of the day at home doing small things, and I made it to the gym. I did 1 1/2 miles today instead of two. I got my period today and the cramps are pretty bad. I also did my full circuit. I'm pretty proud of that showing. Tomorrow is just cardio, I'm hoping to do a little more than 2 miles, not as make up, but because my goal is to expand the time and not just the speed. I also want to hit that bike again soon. I will defeat it!

Over the past 50 days I have learned a lot about myself, and the way I interact with the world. I used to spend so much time thinking about food, and a lot of times I still do. But sometimes I manage to catch myself having a day, or even two where it isn't the center of my universe. I have learned that I am stronger than I once thought, and that having doubts doesn't mean I'm quitting or not doing it right. I'm learning slowly to trust myself. I'm learning ever so slowly to love myself. Last night during the altercation with my room mate I felt actual shame. I did. I know I haven't done anything wrong, and I know that I am doing my best but for some reason I felt like I needed to sit there and take it. It took me a moment, but I came to the right frame of mind eventually. I learned that adversity can take on any shape or character, and that I don't need to listen to it or feel bad about myself because of someone else's expectations. This is my body, my journey, my health and my life. The only person responsible for it or to it is me. Ashley is correct, it took me 26 years to get to 417.8 lbs, and while it wont take me 26 years to take it off, it wont happen in a day either. I need to remember that, because sometimes I let my patience get the best of me, and weave itself into my expectations - which then become unhealthy. I'm still climbing out of my little fortress here. I am learning and expanding and beginning to realize what my potential as a human being really could be. I am more than just my shell, but that doesn't mean it can't hold me back. I've just decided not to let it anymore. For once I get to have hope. Despite any and everything else, I am thankful for that. So a toast of Crystal Light to 50 days on plan, and lets all light each others lanterns on the road to 50 more. I feel like if I can do this, then I can do anything.

1 cup oatmeal: 2
1 cup blueberries: 1
1/4th cup skim milk: 1
5 BBQ meat balls: 3
1 can soup: 5
1 english muffin: 1
spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving mustard: 0
1 serving sriracha: 0
1/2 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving turkey: 2
1 ww yogurt: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 banana: 2
1 1/2 servings meatloaf (6pts per serving): 10pts
1 baked potato: 3
1/2 cup peas: 1
1 serving teriyaki sauce: 1
1 serving ice cream: 1
Total for the Day: 43/44

I forgot to mention yesterday! CinciMom11 sent me some coupons for my favorite low point cereal! It was such an incredibly generous gesture! Thanks so much! They came yesterday but I completely forgot to mention it with all that was going on!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Day 49

Today was really, really hard. Most of the day was really good. I had to get up 5 hours before normal, and I was going pretty much all day. I had a great breakfast, but didn't eat again until 6pm. So I was tired and hungry and just plain beat. I don't know about you, but sometimes when I am really tired I get really emotional. Add that to the fact that I should be getting my period in the next day or so and voila! You get me today. This is all really important because of what I realized today. I realized today while trying to figure why after a nice sized lunch I was still so hungry, even an hour later, that I have lost my coping mechanism. I got so upset over nothing this evening when I was picking my husband up. I was still so unsatisfied and I was feeling absolutely nuts over it. I was looking for something to replace my emotional dependence on food subconsciously. I felt the need to binge my heart out, but I didn't. It is so funny that I realized that before what happened this evening...

My room mate (the same one who told me I was lazy because I let someone else clean my house) came home drunk tonight. He was talking about a lot of things and then he got on the subject of weight. He said the whole house could do better than they are. Then he insinuated that I have been doing badly because I "have been on a diet for a year." So 27.4lbs in like 5 or 6 weeks is what? Not enough? He also thinks that I am not losing fast enough, and that again I could do more. Some background? Tell me who you know that weighs over 400lbs that does not think about dieting constantly? Yes, for over a year now, for over 10 years now I have been trying to lose weight. No, I have not been successful. I could come up with over 100 reasons why this is the case, but honestly I was just not ready. You cant just want it. It isn't enough. I didn't need it yet, I wasn't desperate enough yet. The point is that this is so personal. I didn't just get out of bed one day and decide to start dropping weight. It took a long time, and a lot of self measuring to make the kind of commitment I feel I've made here. What he finally said before I lost it and left the house (apparently slamming the door hard enough to knock something loose) was: "You could do more than sit around all day blogging and going to the gym for two hours every day." So I told him that honestly the gym, for two hours a day just about finishes me off. Its about all I can do right now. This is not to say that it will be this way forever, but seriously? He shook his head and said: "No it isn't." That was it for me. I just left, I was so sick to my stomach, and hurt, and honestly shocked. I could hear my husband yelling at him from outside the house.

Honestly, I feel like I have done well. I feel like I have made progress, and I have been so good. I have been open and honest about my food, and I am doing things on this diet that I have never done before. Portion control, meetings, an award winning weight loss program, and more exercise than I have done in over 4 years. Sometimes I doubt myself without anyone else helping. I don't need someone raining all over my diet parade!

I feel incredibly raw right now, but I'm not angry anymore. That doesn't get me anywhere but back at the starting line looking for a coping placebo again. I really don't want this blog to be about drama, but I think its important for everyone including myself to be able to look back and see the kind of adversity and strife we face, even from inside our comfort zones. To be able to come back to the situation a year from now having learned something from it wouldn't be such a waste. I also think its important to get it out, and not let stew in my brain until its actively hurting me.

1 whole wheat bagel: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
1 egg: 2
1 1/2 oz lean steak: 2
10 bbq meat balls: 6
1 can soup: 7
1/2 orange: 1
1 slice cheese; 1
1 serving cheddar rice cakes: 2
1 serving mango salsa: 0
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving italian cheese: 2
2 tbsp spaghetti sauce: 1
Chicken and green bean casserole: 10
spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving salad topper: 1
1 serving cheese: 1
1 serving dressing: 2
1 serving ice cream: 1
1 serving lite cool whip: 1
Total for the Day: 44/44

Wow. I totally over did the dairy today, or rather...the cheese. I guess I didn't do too badly though. I'm going to try and not get down on myself as much anymore. I'm going to continue doing my self checking, and preparing for anything though. I think that has been helpful thus far.

Since today has been so bad (in the end) I am going to post those recipes tomorrow, and go to bed early tonight.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Day 48

I lost 2.8 lbs this week! Bringing my grand total to 27.4. Yes! I currently weigh 390.4. My next weight goal is 376.8. At that point I will have lost 10% of my original body weight. I dont have like a timed goal or anything though. Maybe I should set one. I think there are 9 weigh ins between now and the first of January. I would like to lose 20-25lbs by then. I dont know if that weight goal is too much though. I am averaging 3.9lbs a week right now, but I know it slows. In the past I have averaged 3lbs a week pretty regularly.

I feel pretty good today. I didn't make it to the faire today because the traffic was so incredibly bad, but we did get the grocery shopping done. I'm making this post short because I have to get up so early tomorrow, but tomorrow night I have 3 new recipes to post on my recipe blog!

1 veggie burger: 2
1 english muffin: 1
1/2 serving corn: 1
1/2 serving rice cakes: 1
1 serving 0pt soup: 0
1/2 burger no bun: 2
1 baked potato w/ cheese: 7
1 small chili: 4
1 granola bar: 1
1 serving BBQ soy crisps: 2
1 yogurt parfait: 2
12 bbq meat balls: 7
1 serving oven "fried" apples: 1
1 serving steamed veggies: 0
1 piece fat free corn bread: 2
apple filling from 4 pt mini pie: 3
1 cup ice cream: 3
1 oz cheese: 1
Total for the Day: 40/44
Leftover: 4

Since I am going to bed I don't want to really push my points. Anyway, long day tomorrow leading into a long week! Back to the gym for me!

Thanks for all of the well wishes! It worked!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Day 47

Today was a pretty relaxing day. I went to the gym with my mom and did my two miles and my full circuit. When I came home I was able to relax with Chad for a few hours while playing Left 4 Dead, and then I made dinner. I had a very uneventful day! I don't know what tomorrow is going to be like though. I have my weigh in and meeting at 9am, and then I am supposed to be going to the Renaissance Festival with everyone. It is the last weekend. I'm not worried about the food there at all, but I know someone will want to go to dinner afterward. I just have to not give in to old temptations. I love the faire, but I worked there for so long that it just feels like a giant open air mall to me anymore. So much for all of the glitter eh?

Eek! Weigh in tomorrow! I'm nervous because there are a few wild cards this week, but I feel positive. I don't want a gain, but if it is a gain I am not going to give up. I'm going to just try and go forward. I'm sure you all get really tired of hearing this, but I feel like I have to prep myself for any outcome so that I can get over it without a bunch of drama. Yeah, I can be a touch dramatic.

Anyway, I do have my weigh in tomorrow, so I'm just going to ask you all to cross your fingers for me. :)

Oatmeal: 2
1/2 cup blue berries: 1
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 granola bar: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
Huge salad:
2 cups spinach/lettuce mix: 1
1 bell pepper ring: 0
2 cups broccoli and cauliflower mixed: 1
1/2 hard boiled egg: 1
1/4 cup garbanzo beans: 1
1/4 cup diced tomato: 0
1/4 cup fat free cheese: 1
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving jalapenos: 0
1 serving light ranch: 2
3 oz lean steak: 3
8 oz bell pepper strips: 1
1/8 cup teriyaki sauce: 1
Huge salad (same as above): 7
extra serving pickles: 1
extra serving dressing: 3
1 cup ice cream: 5
Total for the day: 37/44
Leftover: 7

Not fretting, I have gotten in most of my points this week, and I totally annihilated my weeklies. Um, I definitely got my veggies in today though...

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Day 46

I went to the pumpkin farm today, and picked out some nice pumpkins. Then I picked a bunch of apples for eating and baking. I did get some nice exercise there today, but I went to the gym anyway. I did my two miles and my full circuit. I should be doing the same, or just cardio tomorrow. I'm not sure if I want to pile all of the strength training together like this. I want to burn fat and build strength and endurance, not just build muscle. I have that fear. I fear that I will build muscle. Not only do I want to lose weight, but I'd like to look feminine as well. No bulk please. I know it is probably a ridiculous fear, but I think about it a lot actually.

Today was really good until after the gym. I don't know why but the gym sucked the life out of me today. It was probably because I was so bad about it this week! I'm still okay I think though, I need to follow my rules and eat light tomorrow and not eat late and I should be fine. No gain on Sunday! That is all I want! Chad and I had lunch with friends today, but we were really good. We shared a meal. I had 4 baked BBQ wings (he had 5, but was removing the skin), and we shared an order of sweet potato fries. I had a good time and didn't feel guilty about it. I wonder how restaurants feel about sharing plates. I know some don't like it.

Anyway, I have a bunch of commenting to do now. I'm really sorry that sometimes I go through stints where I don't comment much. I read each and every post. I just get busy, and don't get time to post until just before bed, when I am so so tired. I just want you to know that I appreciate you all.

2 slices low calorie bread: 2
1/2 serving nutella: 2
4 baked BBQ wings: 10
1/4 cup bbq sauce: 1
1 1/2 servings sweet potato fries: 5
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1/2 serving dip: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 oz colby: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving bbq soy crisps: 2
1 serving pasta bake: 5
1 serving steamed corn: 2
1 burger: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving steamed veggies: 0
1 serving teriyaki sauce: 1
Total for the Day: 43/44
Leftover: 1

Sunday is coming!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Day 45

So I missed the gym today in favor of going out with my husband again. No food though, just a Halloween event. I'll make it tomorrow though, after going to get pumpkins at Larriland Farm in the morning. I might pick some apples too, either way it will be a fun and productive way to get some exercise. I have to be careful about this time of year, Fall always puts me in a big meal production mood. I love to cook anyway, and this time of year I want to more than ever. It might be the cool weather. I am picking some apples tomorrow and I found a recipe for Amaretto Apple Streusel Cupcakes on WW Online Friends Sharing Recipes. I might try to quench my cooking needs that way this week coming up.

I bought a digital food scale from Weight Watchers last week. It took me until tonight to open it up and try it. I used it to measure the corn bread stuffing mix that I use in my burger recipe. 6 ounces. Let me just say WOW. I was grossly underestimating the weight. I feel better knowing exactly what dinner cost, and I wonder what having a precise measurement for everything from now on is going to do for or to my weight loss.

Tomorrow is Friday, and if I go to the gym tomorrow and Saturday morning I will be satisfied. I don't know what the scale is going to say, but I feel alright so far. A maintain this week would be amazing. I haven't done my best this week I think, but I have no regrets. I had a great time, and didn't cheat, or ruin anything. I cant say it doesn't weigh on my mind though.

1 granola bar: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 morning star burger: 2
1 can soup: 5
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving salad topper: 1
1 serving dressing: 2
1 serving rice cakes: 2
1/2 8oz latte: 2
1 english muffin: 1
1 serving cheddar: 1
1/4 cup spaghetti sauce: 1
1 bag popcorn: 5
2 BBQ burgers: 7
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving pickles: 0
2 servings steamed veggies: 1
1 serving kashi sunshine: 1
1 pudding: 2
1 cup cherries: 1
1 cup ice cream: 5
Total for the Day: 44/44

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Day 44

Bear with me, this blog post is going to be hard for me.

This is my husband (during our first anniversary actually), he is on this journey with me even though he has a lot less far to go. Before he and I married in 2007 he weighed between 140 and 150, and earlier this year he weighed 193. Being married and happy does indeed help to make you plump, especially when your wife loves cooking! He doesn't like dieting at all, to the point of sometimes being a downright grouch about it, but he loves me and we both want to grow old together in hopefully relatively good health. After thinking about his weight, and when I finally got serious about losing weight myself, he gave up cereal (a staple for him). Just giving up cereal he lost 13lbs. Then on Weight Watchers with me he has lost 15 more pounds. He is proud of me and my weight loss, and my greatest alli in this struggle. I met my husband for the first time when I was 12. I fell madly in love with him and to the dismay of probably both of our mothers we started "dating". Or rather, as much dating as a 12 and 14 year old can do. By the time I was 16 we had both (sort of) moved on, and we really never saw each other. I spent some time with him when I was 19, but after that the lines went dead. In that time of my life I was becoming more and more aware of the lack of that kind of (more grown up) love in my life. I was so sure that no one could ever love me because of my weight. I didn't love me, so how could anyone else. It's a dark place to live in, alone and afraid of life. My most ambitious goal back then was to just get through the day without embarrassing myself for needing to sit down at work, or not being able to move as much as everyone else. My favorite part of the day was late at night after I came home from work, alone, with a rented movie and dinner. Food and solitude. I know it sounds bad, it was. I berated myself constantly, and didn't let myself hope for anything, or expect anymore than to be ignored, made fun of or forgotten. Chad never ignored me, or made fun of me. He never forgot me, and he did indeed love me. He told me that he always knew it had to be me. Chad lit up my life and gave me something to look forward to every single day, and I can not thank him, or God, enough. Could I have taken this journey without him? Sure. Would I have wanted to? I don't know. I am taking it though, and I want every minute of it, and that ladies and gentlemen is in fact enough.

There is still a part of me that wants to run back to the seeming safety of "food and solitude" with it's delayed judgment and fake freedom, but I know better. I want better. I have spent years building a wall around myself. I just kept doing what I wanted without ever really thinking about the outcome. Now I want things in life that I cant have while encased in my giant shelter. Now I have to climb out. Losing weight alone isn't going to make me happy or content, or settled. I need all kinds of smaller pieces to make the bigger picture. I think that is what I need to keep in mind, the bigger picture. Today (or yesterday) is just one small piece, one step on the walk or climb, and I get more sure about my footing with every step I take. I need the whole journey... and a boatload of patience.

Yesterday I was stressing out and doubting myself (as I am sure will happen again before this is all over and done with), but today I feel better. I don't know if that is a woman thing or just a dieting thing. ;) I had a much better day today. I did in fact make it to the gym! I did my two miles and my whole circuit. It made me feel so much better just to get active and move and be proactive about losing weight. I skip Saturdays and Sundays, so it had been 4 whole days without the gym. I missed it!

1 cup cooked oatmeal: 2
1/2 cup blueberries: 1
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 can soup: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
10 cheddar rice cakes: 2
1 arnolds sand. thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 pudding: 2
1 banana: 2
1 whole wheat bagel: 2
1 tbsp light mayo: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving turkey: 2
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 tsp mustard: 0
1 serving bbq soy crisps: 2
1 serving chicken and green bean casserole: 5
1 baked yam w/ teriyaki sauce: 4
1 arnolds sand. thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella
1 serving jam: 1
1 serving ice cream: 2
Total for the Day: 42/44
Leftover: 2

I can live with that!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Day 43

So I am having an issue here. I went out with my husband tonight as part of our week long celebration, and we had an amazing dinner at DuClaw. Now, I used almost all of my extra points tonight on that dinner. In fact, I planned to. we both had a great time, it isnt often that we go to really nice places like that because of our schedule. Tell me why now, at 2am I am flipping out about my points? I think the angst started to set in around midnight actually. I feel like I did something wrong! I didn't though. Weight Watchers gives you the extra points for nights out and oopsies and general splurges. I still followed most of my rules (except the know your points before you go thing, Duclaw has no info up, which makes me mad), and Chad and I took a short walk before bed. Other than that meal I did well today. Now I'm sitting here at 2am picking fights with my husband because I feel bad about myself. God, does the cycle ever end? I know it takes longer than 43 days, but will I ever feel different about food? Will I ever be able to look at food differently and not equate it with how I feel about myself?

So I'm going to try and let this go now. I'm so very glad I have this blog and that people actually read it because tonight you helped me. I was sorely tempted to come home and just go to bed and not update. Out the window with my accountability right? Then it would have been easy to never update and give in to the landslide side of this uphill battle. Crap. I can't give up. I just don't want to gain weight. Ever again. I know that almost no one goes through their journey with nothing but loss all of the time, but that doesn't mean it wont bother me. This week has been hard for me. My schedule is completely off, I've been missing the gym too. I don't feel like I've quit or anything, I feel like I need to be honest with myself and say its going to be hard to do this week. Hopefully I will get there tomorrow while my husband is helping his father with some work. I have to keep planning to, I cant let myself get used to the idea that I don't always have to go, because really, I do have to.

So I feel better now that I have gotten all of that off of my chest, I'm going to post the food list with the (hopefully overestimated using WW e-tools) points values attached. I'm calling my extra weekly points done until next Tuesday though, just in case I was off.

1 serving Kashi Sunshine: 1
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 slice bread: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1/2 crab pretzel appetizer: 20
1/2 beer: 3
BBQ Beef Brisket Sandwich (removed bread and estimated at 8oz of beef): 26
1 plain baked potato (large): 4
1/2 brownie dessert: 6
1/2 medium popcorn (3 hours later at movies): 6
1 small spinach salad: 2
1 light yogurt: 2
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 32/35 extra points
Leftover: Nothing!

I'm not trying to beat myself up, I'm just trying to air it all out so I can more forward and stop fretting about a having had a great time. I'm going to face that scale Sunday regardless.

2nd celebration day down, and thank goodness the rest don't have much to do with food!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Day 42

I didn't make it to the gym today. No, I'm not quitting, I just wasn't finished grocery shopping until 9pm. It doesn't matter what day I do it on, in fact, Mondays are probably the easiest, but I shop for 6, sometimes 7 people on a limited budget. Shopping is a science. It was kind of funny though, today I totally miss the gym. Yeah, I do. I miss that feeling of accomplishment and complete relaxation after. I usually just have cardio tomorrow, but I'm going to do my circuit and try and finish the cycle by Saturday. I don't feel pressure to make anything up, but I do feel pressure to get back on my best game. I haven't broken any rules or anything, but I haven't been eating as well as I know I can. For example, in a rush to go and pick up my roommate from work this after noon I did not eat before I left the house and found myself having a grilled chicken sandwich from Chik-fil-a before going into Target. I should have had some oatmeal or some Kashi Sunshine before going out. Then I had a baked potato and a small chili from Wendy's tonight. I just hadn't been home yet. Now, I didn't break any rules, I only ate the things I knew the points for and I didn't go over my points today, not even into my extra points. I just feel guilty because I know I could have used my points more wisely! I did well for dinner though.

I have another NSV! This one is funny too. I walked around all day today pulling my pants up. My pants and my "undergarments". I don't mean sliding off, I mean if I wasnt holding them up they would be on the floor. Two months ago, they fit me snugly. Also, my wedding ring no longer fits. This is all so wonderful, I just don't want to be buying "in between" clothes or constantly resizing my ring. My current NSV goal is to fit into a pair of size 26, brown corduroy pants I bought a few years ago. I love them! I also have a pair of size 26 pin striped pants I have never been able to let go of. I've never been able to really love clothes before. They have always just been something utilitarian. I didn't/don't have enough choices available to me to ever be very excited about them. Even stores that cater to plus sized women are off the mark for me. Why do they all assume that fat women want to wear animal patterns? Why do they assume that we would rather wear a size 34 labeled a size 30/32 in stretch jeans than just a size 34 pair of jeans? How does that make us feel anything but ashamed? And WHY for the love of all that is good do they assume that fat women have no breasts? I want to be able to be excited about clothes too! I will be able to in time.

I am reading so much about some of you getting out of the 300's and can I just tell you it inspires me almost to tears. Good tears! Its so nice to know it can in fact happen. That one day I will weigh 299 or less! I know that I will still have a long way to go, but I can almost taste how good that is going to feel. I'll probably cry all day long that day. ..In a good way. Good weeks, bad weeks, long weeks, strong weeks, I'll get there too, one week at a time. You are all so amazing and I am so lucky to have your stories here to help me along my way.

Grilled Chicken Sandwich: 5
BBQ sauce: 1
1 yoplait light: 2
1 baked potato with cheese (also added 2 points for the shredded they added): 8
1 small chili: 4
1 piece salmon teriyaki: 6
1 baked sweet potato, plain: 3
1/2 cup steamed broccoli: 0
1 baked sweet potato (later): 3
1 tbsp teriyaki sauce: 2
1 serving full fat ice cream: 7
1 yogurt: 2
Total for the Day: 43/44
Leftover: 1

I made fish for the first time ever in my life today! I baked salmon with a spicy miso teriyaki sauce. I loved it! I never really liked fish growing up, but in the past 2 years learning that I loved sushi has really opened my eyes. I don't hate fish, but I am particular about it I think. 1 - I prefer it raw. 2 - Never ever from a can. And 3 - Not all fish are created equal! I want to try and get fish into our diets once a week, but money makes it hard, so I'll do it whenever I can.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Day 41

Again, no drama, just relief. I lost 5.6 lbs this week! That brings me to a total of 24.6lbs lost, and runs right over my 5% goal. Right now I weigh 393.2. I have 16.4 more lbs to lose before I hit my 10% goal. I'm making my goals 20lbs at a time. So I feel like I am surmounting small hills and slowly closing in on that mountain. I'm riding high right now, because I lost well this week, but I feel like I should reflect a bit on last week. .4lbs lost. It hurt at the time, but it pulled me out of complacency. Its easy to start feeling too secure if you know what I mean. Its almost like our weight loss to date becomes a protecting cushion that we use to make us feel easier about being a touch less diligent in our journey. I'm not saying that it wont happen again or even if it does that it makes me (or you or anyone) a bad person or less worthy of weight loss. I'm saying I'm grateful for having the ability to see the lesson in it.

Today the online weight loss tracker told me that I was losing weight too fast, and that I should try and slow it down. I just want to say that I am not doing anything unhealthy or against the rules (can you hear my rolled 'r'?). I am following points values and exercising like my life depends on it...because it does. I'm eating better than I probably have in years even with low carb a few years ago, and I can walk without needing life support! I probably wont have 6lb weeks all of the time, but I am certainly not going to actively work to make the ones I do have go away. I have so far to go, and I know it wont all be this fast. I'll take it while it lasts.

I have had a pretty good day. Chad drove me to WW this morning because I was so nervous. Last night I cried about the idea of facing that scale again, and he told me, quietly, that if it really upset me that much that I didn't have to go. I'm so proud of my first thought! I thought: "Yes I do!" It was another moment of self measurement. YES, I was chagrined by my previous showing, and I actually felt real shame at those numbers. The days following were so hard. I felt like a pretender to the journey, you know? I wasn't, though it took some time to realize that, and I knew I would be if I didn't go this morning. I don't know how many people this is a struggle for, but for me its paramount. I put so much of my self worth into those 3 digits on the scale. Another battle to win.

I did lose weight though, and more and more I am finding that I am really beginning to enjoy the meetings. There are so many different experiences there, and everyone has such a great sense of humor about weight and food that its just so easy to be comfortable there. The meetings are a great asset and I'm so glad I joined.

Monday starts my gym cycle over and Tuesday is the beginning of my week. I'm really starting to wonder if I shouldn't just change that to Sundays too, since I weigh in then, but so far so good. I don't know if I am ready to change anything yet.

Home with the hubby all day and we managed to not eat out once! Savings on the points and the wallet...

1 large salad from the grocery store salad bar: 7pts
9 BBQ soy crisps: 1pts
1 ww yogurt: 1pts
1/2 box frozen fried rice: 5pts
1.5 frozen egg rolls: 5pts
Lachoy Beef Chow Mein: 3pts
1 yoplait light yogurt: 2pts
1 boca burger (eh, dont think I'll buy it again.): 1pts
1 light english muffin: 2pts
1 pudding: 2pts
2 servings meatless broccoli casserole: 7pts
1 morning star pizza burger (buy these!): 2pts
1 "lighter" english muffin: 1pts
1 serving meatless broccoli casserole: 4pts
Total for the day: 44/44 & 1/33
Leftover 32/35 extra

Thank GOODNESS we are going to the grocery store tomorrow! I am running out of options!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Day 40

So today was a day of kids birthday parties and my 2nd anniversary. Don't panic! I am not over my points. I don't know if I got all of my veggies in today or not, but still, I think I did pretty well.

I'm feeling so much better today. My husband has a week off, and we have so much good planned and I'm feeling a lot less cagey. I have a weigh in tomorrow morning and I am incredibly nervous about it. I didn't do so well last week, but I think that this week I have made much better choices. In fact I even followed my rule for Sunday's to not eat after 11pm. I have much hope that I will lose some weight this week. I'm nervous about the upcoming week because we have so many planned outings. I have to get through it some how! I cant make excuses for events forever, there is always something happening. That's life, and I need to live it.

I'm making this blog short because I want to get up and feel human tomorrow for my weigh in. I don't want to be fretting and tired at the same time.

1 serving kashi sunshine: 1pts
1/2 cup skim milk: 1pts
1 cup water melon: 1pts
1 burger no cheese: 3pts
1 burger roll: 3pts
1 very very small slice cake: (estimated (over) according to WW point book) 12pts
1st Dinner out: Sushi (not buffet): 17pts
3 pieces vegetable gyoza: 3pts
1 bubble tea: 5pts
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 2/35 extra
Leftover: 33/35

1st celebration day down...a few more to go.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Day 39

So, as you all know, I have been feeling so exhausted this week, and while I feel better recently, the gym seriously kicked my butt today. Today was a circuit day, and I tried to start my cardio with the bike, as I had mentioned that I wanted to try and change up some of the monotony. I am so not ready for the bike. At 2 minutes I was hurting in a bad way. You know what I mean, when your muscles are sore its really okay for the most part, but I was in so much pain at 2 minutes that I had to pause. I did 4 minutes total and then got off to go do the treadmill. I figure I can do baby steps with the bike. Tomorrow I will do 4 more minutes, and then maybe Monday I'll be able to do 5. I then did a mile on the treadmill, and I was supposed to do another mile to finish, but I just didn't have it in me. I made it to another half a mile before I gave in. I'm still pretty proud of my showings though. Six months ago it took me over an hour to walk a mile. Today it takes me 25 minutes. When I started this, I could only do 3/4ths of a mile consistently. Today I can do two. Today I can walk through a grocery store without needing to sit down every 20 minutes or so, and I can keep up with my husbands leisurely walk.

When this started I could walk, but I had so much trouble. It's hard to admit to being the close to seriously handicapped of your own accord. I couldn't do a lot of the house work I needed to be doing because I couldn't be on my feet that long, not to mention bending over or being on my knees for any length of time was a serious no can do. I tried to weed my garden once and couldn't walk for a few days after. That was a harsh wake up call, but I didn't heed it. My friends came to my rescue and put a beautiful garden in for me. I couldn't keep it up though. I just can not yet do the necessary weeding. So there is a new goal for me. I want to be able to do my own gardening!

I'm feeling a touch raw today. One of my room mates suggested that I was lazy because recently we have been paying my cousin (trying to stay clean, and needing to make money, long story) clean our house. I told him that I could not go to the gym every day and do everything else I need to do and clean my house the way it needed to be cleaned in my current condition. He told me it all came down to motivation. I'm sorry if any of you find violence to be abhorrent, but I wanted to blow up his head with my mind. He has no clue about how much it takes for me to push myself everyday. Mentally or physically. I mean, yeah, dont let your being obese get in the way of your life, but when it does, and you know you have come down to what is your last chance (and it is my last chance) you do what you need to do in order to live. Even when that means that some of your lesser responsibilities have to be put on hold. Dont ever let someone tell you that your place in life is more important than your health and happiness.

Anyway, that is my rant for the day. I didn't do too bad on food, I'm 5 points short for the day though. Argh. I have got to get better about getting the pacing on my days right. I could have gotten them in, but I'm not going to break my no eating after 2am rule!

1 granola bar: 1pts
1 serving gnocchi florentine: 8pts
1 serving cheese: 2pts
1 serving mixed veggies: 0pts
2 servings tofu shirataki noodles: 1pts
1 tbsp curry paste: 0pts
1/2 cup spaghetti sauce: 2pts
2 tbsp light cream: 2pts
1/2 serving cheese: 1pts
1/4th slice gluten free bread: 1pts
1 whole wheat bagel: 2pts
1 serving mozz. : 2pts
1/4th cup spaghetti sauce: 1pts
1 ww yogurt: 1pts
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken: 7 pts
1 cup rice: 4pts
1 skinny cow ice cream: 3pts
1 cup cherries: 1pts
Total for the Day: 39/44
Leftover: 5

Chad and I have been married for two years today, October 17, 2009. :) I love him more than words can say, and without him I know I wouldn't have the will to go on with this. He is my reason for...everything. I am blessed beyond belief to have him in my life.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Day 38

I feel a bunch better today. I was pretty down for a few days there. Retta was talking about you taking control of yourself and choosing to have a good day instead of a bad one. She is so right. I woke up today feeling like I didnt want to get out of bed. I felt overwhelmed, and I still felt exhausted. I made myself get up and go downstairs. I figured, even if I just curled up on the couch with the dogs I would at least get my day started. It started slow, but eventually I started feeling better. I'm not sure I will always be able to see through my bad days, but when I can I'm proud of getting through the funk.

I went back to the gym today and did 2 miles at 2.5 (cardio only day), and then I did 8 minutes at 2.7. I think on Saturday morning I might try to do some more at 2.7. Though, my goal is to up my time, not just my speed. I also want to give the bikes a try again, to change up some of the monotony!

My anniversary is on Saturday! I'm nervous because we are planning several dates over the week coming up (he took the week off), including dinners, a couple of Halloween activities and a murder mystery cruise on the harbor. :) I'm excited, but I'm worried about staying on plan. I'm not worried about over eating, because I can pretty much handle that aspect, but I'm worried about knowing that points of everything. I'm over worrying again!

Anyway, it has been a good day and so far this week I have followed every rule I have given myself I believe including the no eating after 2am rule. That was a hard one to follow.

1 serving kashi sunshine: 1pts
1/2 cup skim milk: 1pts
1 slice toast: 1pts
1 serving nutella: 2pts
2 servings tofu shirataki noodles: 1pts
1 laughing cow wedge: 1pts
1 serving american cheese: 2pts
1/4 cup skim milk: 1pts
1 serving broccoli: 0pts
1 whole wheat bagel: 2pts
1 serving cheese: 2pts
2 servings mustard: 1pts
1 serving pickles: 0pts
1 serving baby carrots: 1pts
1 serving dip: 1pts
1 ww yogurt: 1pts
1 serving ranch rice cakes: 2pts
Taco soup: 7pts
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1pts
1 serving gnocchi florentine: 8pts
1 smoothie: 4pts
1 granola bar: 1pts
Total for the Day: 41/44
Leftover: 3

I'm okay with that!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Day 37

Today was a much better day. I still feel incredibly run down, but I got to relax for most of the day before heading to the gym. I only did 2 miles at the gym today, but I feel pretty good about that. I also did my circuit. I always feel super relaxed right after the gym. It's like being intensely tired. I'm relaxed to the bone! Now that is a plus side.

I feel like I have done better so far this week, but only time and that Sunday weigh in will tell. I'll admit, I'm a little afraid. I wont let it stop me, but if it doesn't move more this time I will have a harder time figuring out my mistakes I think. I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid of not being able to lose. I know that sounds crazy, but I am afraid of trying so hard and being stuck at 398.8.

I've been thinking a lot about children today. Chad and I tried for over a year before I finally gave in to the fact that I have no chance of it happening unless I lose weight. I am holding out hope that losing weight does it for us. Besides being able to get pregnant I want to be able to carry my child without health problems. I want to be able to make the choices I want and not the choices that doctors want because I am fat. I don't want to talk too much about this here because it drives me so hard and that isn't what this blog is about. This blog is about getting there. I'll be honest though, this is one of my biggest motivations. Sometimes when I think I can not possibly go another minute on the treadmill I try to focus on imagining what my daughters face might look like. When I walk past the ice cream at the grocery store I try and remember my goal, and that ice cream will always be there. I don't need to eat it all right now.

My name is Ruby, and I weighed 417.8lbs. I am a person, with hopes and dreams and friends and family. I love and I am loved by more than just food. I do not love food. I need to stop saying it. If anything I hate the control I have given to food over the years. I hate what I have let myself become from the constant need for gratification through food. I love myself, and I can beat this. One lb at a time if need be. I can't lie, I will always be impatient and I will never like losing slowly, but I will never give up again. I have way too much to hope for.

1 whole wheat bagel: 2pts
1 serving cheese: 1pts
1 serving rice cakes: 2pts
1 banana: 2pts
1 can soup (I eat a lot of soup these days): 5pts
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1pts
1 laughing cow cheese wedge: 1pts
1 serving turkey: 2pts
1 serving baby carrots: 0pts
1 serving dip: 1pts
1 serving pickles: 0pts
1 ww yogurt: 1pts
2 pizza turnovers (By Molly): 9pts
1 serving mashed cauliflower: 1pts
1 triple berry smoothie: 4pts
1 can soup: 5pts
1 serving rice cakes: 2pts
1 jello chocolate mousse: 1pts
Total for the Day: 43/44
Leftover: 1

I had a good amount of downtime today and it helped me to refocus on my goals and touch base with my motivations. I can do better, and so I will.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Day 36

Short post! I'm exhausted!

I took a break today. I think I needed it pretty badly actually. I needed a day when I could be alone for at least a little while, and where I could just let my mind relax. I spend so much time running errands and such for other people and doing my own stuff that by the time I realize I've overspent myself my mood is full tilt and I have trouble being nice. I realized that today while taking my cousin to Wal-Mart for the 3rd time in as many days. So I took a break from everything but the food plan today. I will make up an hour of cardio on Saturday. I have to learn how to take care of myself!

Today was pretty good food wise. We are out of salad stuff though, so it wasn't as good as yesterday. I'm going to stop on the way home from the gym tomorrow and re-up our supplies.

1 Banana: 2pts
1 can soup/chowder: 8pts
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1pts
1 veggie burger: 2pts
1 serving pickles: 0pts
1 serving katsup: 0pts
19 Natures Promise BBQ soy crisps: 2pts
1 pear: 1pts
5 1/2 cups steamed veggies: 6pts
1 tbsp red curry paste: 0pts
1/2 cup salsa: 0pts
2 tbsp light cream: 2pts
1 slice cheese: 1pts
2 servings beef and potato nacho casserole: 13pts
1/4th avocado: 2pts
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1pts
1/2 serving nutella: 2pts
1 serving jam: 1pts
Total for the Day: 44/44

I'm okay with that!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Day 35

So I can breathe today. I had a hard time dealing with yesterday. Its hard to look back and pick out your mistakes. Its hard to feel like you have done enough and then fall on your butt! Losing weight is hard. Yeesh.

I think so far I have done better. Sunday was excellent I think, and today has been great as well. I had a lunch date with a friend I haven't seen in a while, and we went to Chilis. I ordered the guiltless chicken platter. I ate all of the veggies, but I cut the chicken and the rice in half, and took the rest home and gave it to a room mate. I was so so proud of myself! I followed my rule too, I figured out the exact points before I went. I might be being reactionary, but I am charging myself for the whole meal points wise. The thing is, I don't know how the plate sizes vary there, so its only 5 extra points and I will have more peace of mind.

I made it to the gym today as well, I did my circuit, and I got my minutes up to 30/30. That's not me punishing myself, its me challenging myself. So 60 minutes at 2.5mph ended up being 2.46miles! I'm proud of that too.

Its another week down! I'm down 19lbs, and I'm down inches! I forgot to mention that yesterday. I'm down 6 inches on my thighs alone which is the biggest change, the rest were by an inch or two or less. The only measurements I have to compare to are from two months ago, but still. Inches lost!

I learned more about fortitude this week. I learned about going on even when you aren't getting to your destination as fast as you dreamed. I learned that I can be both humble about my journey and proud of it at the same time. I'm learning patience! I am also learning that this all comes with struggle. I struggle to make the right choices and to pass my favorite doritos in the grocery store. I struggle to stay in the lines here! I think its important to remember that every time we don't give in to the struggles from day to day that we win another inch back.

1 serving kashi sunshine: 1pts
1/2 cup skim milk: 1pts
1 banana: 2pts
1/2 guiltless chicken breast: 7pts(4 for half, which is all I ate)
1 serving steamed veggies (broc and carrots): 1pts (from Chili's website)
1/2 serving rice: 4pts (2 for half, which is all I ate)
1 cup chicken enchilada soup: 5pts
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1pts
1 morning star veg burger (my first veg burger ever): 2pts
1 tbsp spag sauce: 0pts
1 serving spinach: 0pts
1/2 cup grilled bell peppers: 1pts
1 serving salad topper: 1pts
2 servings pickles: 1pts
19 natures promise BBQ soy crisps: 2pts
1 pear: 1pts
1 can veg soup: 5pts
1 serving stuffed shells (ww recipe): 5pts
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0pts
2 bites husbands leftovers from last night: 1pts
1 angel food cake sliced: 1pts
2 teaspoons nutella: 1pts
1 serving ice cream: 2pts
Total for the Day: 44/44 1/35
Leftover: 34/35

I think I am doing better. When my food list gets long I know I am usually making better food choices too. Plus my servings of veggies are up. Hoping for a great weigh in next Sunday!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Day 34

I am doing this early while I still have the courage to. I will update it later to include my food for the day.

I only lost .4lbs this week. Now, I know a loss is a loss, and that it isn't a gain, but it is still pretty disappointing. I did 260 minutes of cardio this week, and 3 days of weight machines. I think my exercise was excellent. My food choices this week were not so great. I think its time to evaluate and adjust.

This past week I haven't gotten in enough veggies, and my water intake has suffered. Not to mention that I have been making up too many points with bad snacks (hence the twix bar last night). I also ate sushi twice this week. Sushi by itself isn't that bad, but I ate too much, and its really hard to be exact about points eaten out. I've fallen back into eating a large portion of my points in the 4 hours before bed and I've also stopped taking my multi vitamin regularly.

The thing is, even with all of this I do not believe that I have gone over my weekly points, I do believe I should have lost more weight this week. I have a strong feeling that the fact that I ate everything that I ate all day last night in the 4 hours before bed added to my weigh in. Hey, fair is fair. .4lbs is my loss for the week. Its on the books. If I am right and I can kick some of my bad habits, I should make a nice showing next week.

New rules for myself based off of my observations for this week:
1. Nine servings of fruits and veggies. Every day.
2. No more eating out unless I know the points before I go. The exact points.
3. More water.
4. No food after 2am.
5. Better snacks! Sometimes the comfort stuff is okay, but I need to stop letting it be a way for me to make my points at the end of the day.
6. Trust myself. Last night I was sitting at 32 points, and I was full. I knew I was full. I know you shouldn't go under your points, but I feel like its counter productive to eat past your full feeling. This diet is about more than points. Its about portion sizes and knowing your hunger signals and not getting them mixed up with emotions or boredom. I knew I should have been done last night, but I let people convince me to eat the twix anyway. It wasn't them, it was me.
7. On Saturday before weigh ins, I need to eat light meals, stopping by 11pm. Not because I want to make myself suffer or affect the scale subversively, but because my schedule is so different than most peoples.

I also want to take my cardio from 25/25 to 35/35 but I need time to figure out if that is my being determined or trying to punish myself. I want to be good to myself, I need to be. Its just hard knowing that I can do much better, that I should have for that matter. I have to find a way to separate my weight from my feelings of self worth. Maybe that will take time too.

I want to be tenacious. I am determined. I will be successful. I just need to remember the title of this blog. This is a journey, and as such there will be up hill battles and down hill battles. Fasten your seat belts people, this is bound to be a bumpy ride.

Edit for food:

1 cup cooked oatmeal: 2pts
1 cup blue berries: 1pts
1 cup 1% milk: 2pts
1 orange: 1pts
1 serving fresh spinach: 0pts
1 serving salad topper: 1pts
1/2 serving shredded cheddar: 1pts
1 serving salad dressing: 1pts
1 cup red grapes: 1pts
1 banana: 2pts
19 Natures Promise BBQ Soy Crisps: 2pts
1 whole wheat bagel: 2pts
1 serving roasted red pepper sauce w/veggies: 3pts
1 serving light mozzarella: 2pts
1 Serving Chicken Tikka Masala "light" incl. rice: 8pts
1/2 serving whole wheat naan: 3pts
1 chobani blueberry greek yogurt: 3pts
1 arnold wheat thin: 1pts
1 serving spinach dip/spread: 1pts
1 serving turkey breast: 2pts
1 serving american cheese: 1pts
1 serving pickles: 0pts
1 16oz coffee with splenda and pumpkin spice creamer: 3pts
Total for the Day: 44/44

Day 33

So today was much, much better than yesterday mood wise. I did not go to the gym today because it closed at 7 and I wasn't finished running around today until around 10pm. Yeah, needless to say I got some exercise today. Plus Chad and I are planning to take a nice walk before bed because dinner was larger than usual.

I actually didn't eat until 8pm. Yeah I know! I was hungry somewhere in the middle of the day, I ended up distracted and forgot about it! I know that's bad, but grocery days are hard.

I should make this short tonight because I have my weigh in in 7 hours.

1 Wendy's Baked potato w/cheese: 7pts
1 small chili: 3pts
1 med lite latte: 6pts
stir fry: 6pts
panko breaded dijon chicken breast: 9pts
1 twix bar: 7pts
Total for the Day: 39/44
Leftover: 5pts

I was at 32 until the twix bar. The thing is, its late, and I am full. I want to get my points in, but I feel like eating 12 more points worth of the right food was going to be counter productive. I'm not hungry, in fact I am quite full. I also didnt want to starve myself...

I think I had a great week. I was at the gym 5 out of 7 days challenging myself every day, and I stayed on top of my points. I'm worried about the scale, but I will face it, like every single Sunday before it. Wish me luck!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Day 32

Some days you feel it, some days you don't. Oh yeah. That was today.

My brother is a cook at a newly built Chili's restaurant, and we were invited to a free lunch training. I did so well! I only had 15 points including appetizer, entree and dessert! That was the beginning of my day. Throughout my day I was feeling rushed (by many things, I was the only car available!) and that always makes me irritable. I have also been trying not to repress my feelings about my grandfathers passing, but if I am being honest with myself I can admit I haven't been dealing with it as healthfully as possible. I've just made myself incredibly busy, and distracted. So I'm feeling kind of raw, and easily bruised. I have a friend (more like a sister) who was feeling the same way who was over today and we clashed...silently. We parted ways each feeling like the other was mad. So, I was a touch emotional. I cried at the gym, on the arm curl machine. Yeah, how emo. I was just sitting there and suddenly I realized how incredibly tired I was. Not just physically (I've been to the gym every day this week), but emotionally too. I felt myself asking: "Is this as hard as it's going to get?"

I pushed through. I turned the music up, and finished my circuit. I just feel so off.

To better things: I did 25/25 today, but there is a catch...I did the first 25 at my 2.4, and the second 25 at 2.5! It did feel good to accomplish that today. I felt like I did something really great.

Sunday is my weigh in! I dont feel like I've lost weight this week, but I always fret about that. I am trying so hard not to! Wish me luck!

1/3 served ancho chile ranch sauce: 2pts
1/3 chicken fajita pita: 3pts
steamed veggies (got me! I tasted butter, but not much and it was about a cup of veggies): 2pts
1/4th tortilla chips and hot sauce appetizer: (I had 10 chips, over estimate) 6pts
1 small bit each of 3 trio shot desserts: 2pts
1 orange: 1pts
2/3 chicken fajita pita: 7pts
red potato and cauliflour mash: 5pts
1 wedge laughing cow cheese: 2pts
Lachoy Chicken Teriyaki over rice w/ steamed broccoli: 9pts
1 angel food cake: 1pts
1 serving ice cream: 2pts
2 large hand fulls of low fat popcorn: 1pts
Total for the Day: 44/44!

Made it! I didnt feel it today, but I did it anyway. I feel good about that now.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Day 31

I received an award today from a fellow blogger MissyM! I am flattered! I will get to that in just a sec, I want to get my regular post out of the way. (This is going to be a long one)

Today was a good day. I made it to the gym, and did 2.20 miles at 2.4 mph. That's 55 minutes! I am almost to 60! That's my goal for Saturday! I want to do 2.4 miles, and 60 minutes at 2.4 so that I can start 2.5 mph.

A HUGE non scale victory: My husband bought me a beautiful watch for Christmas and I could not wear it. It pinched my skin to put it on. I was sad, but he bought me links to extend the band length. Tonight Ashley was here, and she used to work in jewelry. She was going to fix it for me so I tried it on to see if I needed two extra links, or just one. It fit me perfectly! I was so happy!

And now:

You answer these questions with one word (!!) answers. Then pass the award to 6 Over The Top blogging pals. Here goes.

1. Where is your cell phone? husband
2. Your hair? blonde
3. Your mother? chaotic
4. Your father? useless
5. Your favorite food? ethnic
6. Your dream last night? forgotten
7. Your favorite drink? soda
8. Your dream/goal? contentment
9. What room are you in? kitchen
10. Your hobby? singing
11. Your fear? loss
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? mother
13. Where were you last night? gym
14. Something that you aren’t? mean
15. Muffins? chocolate
16. Wish list item? lottery?
17. Where did you grow up? Baltimore
18. Last thing you did? Gamed
19. What are you wearing? sweats
20. Your TV? off
21. Your pets? many
22. Friends? many
23. Your life? full
24. Your mood? stressed
25. Missing someone? yes
26. Vehicle? ford
27.Something you’re not wearing? socks
28. Your favorite store? Moviestop
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? yesterday
32. Your best friend? Chad
33. One place that I go to over and over? GYM!
34. One person who emails me regularly? Jenny
35. Favorite place to eat? home

I will pass this to-
If I don't name you here and you want this award please, feel free to take it. I am not going to name the people on my list that have already received it since I think everyone deserves one!

G@ 50 Pounds till Christmas
Chubby Chick@ Journeying to Lose 200 Pounds... The Triumph of Perseverance
Shelly@ Me, Myself and I
My Big Fat Super Obese Blog
CinciMom11: Losing the Baby Weight

I cant believe I can only pick 6! You all deserve an award for being here and trying!

Back to your regularly scheduled programming:

Alex's beef stew 1/2 cup (guess): 4pts
1 can soup: 3pts
1 sandwich: 6pts
9 rice cakes (ched): 2pts
1 chocolate pudding: 2pts
1 english muff sandwich: 6pts
1 orange: 1pts
10 ranch rice quakes: 2pts
1 serving SW Baked Ziti: 9pts
1 slice cake: 6pts
Low cal sundae: 3pts
Total for the day: 43/44
Leftover: 1/44

I can deal with that, but I snacked too much today, or at least I felt like it. One month down!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Day 30

So this is me, at 399.2 lbs. I know you can see my bra. You have to understand though that short of wearing turtle necks all of the time I cant avoid that. I am sorry if this picture offends anyone.

Looking at this picture is hard. I've always been obese don't get me wrong, but its hard to face a solid image of it. I can avoid mirrors, but if I want pictures of my journey for posterity I cant avoid my camera. I want to be able to see my choices in the flesh, and I never want to forget what 400 feels like.

I did my circuit today at the gym, I upped all but two of my eight machines to 3 sets. I did not up the machines that work my legs. I also did 25/25 again, though I really want to get to 30/30 or more. So 2 miles today! I'm proud of that. 2.4 on the treadmill is actually proving to be pretty hard sometimes. I find the first 15 minutes of the first 25 to be the hardest. My legs start burning and I have to scream at myself to keep going. I do it though. No breaks, no excuses. It is so hard that sometimes I just want to stop, sit down on the end of the treadmill and cry. I felt like that today. But being 400lbs is hard too. Its hard to walk, and I cant run at all. Its hard to live at 400 lbs. It is not harder to get my butt on that treadmill every day. Eventually the treadmill will get easier. Being 400 never will.

One egg sandwich (fried egg no oil, slice cheese, 100cal english muff): 4pts
1 can chunky veg soup: 3pts
2 slices cheese: 3pts
10 Rice Quakes: 2pts
1 vanilla pudding: 2pts
1 Turkey, cheese, tomato, pickle sandwich with lite mayo, and mustard on low cal bread: 7pts
Banana: 2pts (CRAP, forgot the banana! Into my extra points by two! I need to stop doing that!)
Fresco Chicken Taco: 3pts
Stir Fry: 7pts
1 Skinny Cow Ice cream: 2pts
3 cups broccoli steamed: 2pts
3 tbsp teriyaki sauce: 4pts
1 nutella and jam sandwich: 5pts
Total for the Day: 44/44 and 2/35 weekly
Leftover: 33/35

The points tracker online said I was at 35pts today, but I am sure I am at at least 42. Ahh, so confused, and not feeling quite as sure about my week. Its only Wednesday! I know I am going to the gym on Saturday too this week!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Day 29

Keep moving forward, never give up, never start over.

This is my mantra right now. I need to keep moving forward no matter how hard I stumble, I need to never give up no matter how hard it gets, and I need to never make enough excuses for myself that I need to start over. Again.

Today the gym kicked my butt. I have felt like I was dragging tush all day. I only had cardio to do today, I needed to do 50 minutes at 2.4 to get 2 miles down. Today I felt my legs burning and my breathing was out of control. I have no idea what was up, because I don't always have such a hard time, and while it is harder than 2.3, it felt like so much more today. I wanted to quit so bad! I even got off the treadmill at 25 minutes done and went to get a drink of water. I felt my resolve slipping! It was so hard to face the next 25 minutes, but I did it! I made my two miles today, and it feels really good even though I feel pretty tired out. I have my circuit tomorrow, and I want to do 25/25 and my machines. I just have to keep telling myself what I am capable of, you know, giving yourself mental pep talks? I sometimes have to talk myself into the last 10 minutes. Never give up! I will be so amazingly proud of myself if I manage to make 10 miles this week!

I let myself be talked into a latte today! Argh, but it was Splenda only, except I belive it was whole milk and I am counting it as so!

regular sushi w/o sauce: 14pts
sushi w/ sauce: 4 pts
1 nutella sandwich: 4pts
Iced Latte of DOOM: 8pts
1 serving Beef and Potato Nacho Casserole: 6pts
1 cup ice cream: 3pts
15 wheat thins: 2pts
1 serving SW dip: 1pts
Total for the Day: 42/44
Leftover: 2/44

Eek. Not feeling as sure about this week so far, but I think I can bring it around. I need to eat more veggies again. Maybe tomorrow I will get out to the local produce stand and buy some things for a veggie medly to keep on hand.

Oh and also! How do I fight the urge to weigh myself every single day now that I am under 400? I know I shouldn't because when I do things that way I always get discouraged!

I can't let myself be discouraged!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Day 28

This is the end of the 4th week of my journey! I am incredibly grateful to everyone who reads and comments here. This blog, my husband and my friends, and that Sunday weigh in are what is keeping me going, and I am blessed to have every single one.

This week I learned:
I can do this. One more time... I can do this!
Your choices create your results!
That I can in fact say no to food, even though sometimes its so very hard.
Follow through is the key to success here! When I say I am going to do something, even if I just say it to myself, I have to do it. Every time I follow through I win back one more inch from those pesky diet demons.

What am I still in the process of learning? So, so very much. The big thing right now for me is not beating myself up if I use some of my extra points (or for anything really). This is not a race. The extra points are okay to use. Using just a few a week does not an over eater make! I am have not been very nice to myself in a long time, and though I have learned that I should be, putting that into practice is incredibly hard. I will not let my self image wreck my life anymore!

I increased my speed at the gym today to 2.4 and I was able to do 50 minutes. I did 25/25, which came out to 2 miles. I need to increase my sets on the weight machines. Not all of them, but the ones that have gotten really easy. Tomorrow its back to the gym for cardio only, so maybe I can take it to 60 minutes!

I also defeated a Chinese buffet today. I had two small plates and water, and I stopped myself when I knew I could have gone way over board. I looked at my hands and even though the red reminder string wasn't there, I remembered its purpose. Healthy lifestyles are not created in one quick day or one fell swoop. I am going to learn my lessons one at a time, and push myself even when its hard. I can defeat food, and beat it into submission.

Today: (some of this is estimated using ww, and calorie king some of it (like sushi) is not)
11 pieces plain sushi: 5pts
2 pieces sushi w/mayo: 2pts
6 chunks chicken in tempura batter w/sauce: 7pts
2 fried dumplings: 3pts
1 beef stick: 5pts
1 yogurt parfait: 2pts
1 serving fettuccini (tofu shiratake noodles for the win!) w/ chicken and roasted veggies w/roasted red pepper and garlic sauce: 4pts
1 serving ital. cheese: 1pts
1 english muffin w/ roasted red pepper sauce (and more veggies, also for the win) and 1/2 cup cheese: 8pts
1 nutella and jam sandwich: 5pts
Total for the Day 42/44
Leftover: 2/44!

Not bad, not bad.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Day 27

I'm not going to be dramatic! As of today I weighed 399.2lbs! I lost 9.2lbs this week! That makes 18.6lbs since 9/13! I am almost to my 5% goal. I am incredibly proud of myself. I haven't been starving myself, I have been following the rules, and I have been exercising. I have been pushing myself at the gym. I am capable of so much more than I was allowing myself to believe before!

So um, BOOYAH diet demons!

Today I got up and made it to Weight Watchers early. It is so hard for me to get up that early. We don't even get into bed until 4am, and then I'm up by 8am! Sundays are disruptive to my habits, but I don't mind so much. It gets harder when I add grocery shopping to Sundays also. So I am out and about until like 5pm some Sundays. And I call it my "off" day. Riiighhht.

My points started out pretty okay, and then I went to my mothers house for dinner. I didn't like over do it or anything, I had plenty of extra points left. I still have extra points left. I will not beat myself up! I am winning!

1 nutella and jam sandwich: 5pts
1 cup milk: 2pts
6 inch turkey sub w/mayo, and cheese: 7pts
1 WW frozen entree: 5pts
3 fajitas w/let, tom, cheese, salsa, onions and peppers. 1 beef, 2 chicken (I am pretty sure this isnt an estimation. I'm pretty sure this is right on, but for the meat. My mother doesnt have a food scale, so I over estimated the meat as much as I could without being rediculous): 37pts
Total for the Day: 44/44 and 12/34 extra weekly points
Leftover: 22 extra


Sunday, October 4, 2009

Day 26

I did it! I went to the gym on a Saturday and did an hour on the treadmill at 2.3mph! That's 2.14 miles! I feel pretty good about where I stand now. I think that on Monday I will be able to increase my speed to 2.4 for at least 1/2 of my time there. I want to get to 2.5 and 1.5 hours.

My weigh in is tomorrow! I will stay positive no matter what!

I got most of my points in today, I got to 39. Saturday nights here are date night for my husband and I and also "fend for yourself" night here at the house. Which means I don't have to cook! For the last two weeks on Saturday Chad and I have been eating La Choy meals for dinner over rice or tofu shirataki noodles. I love them! The whole can of beef and peppers is only 6 points, so we split it. I just wish there wasn't as much sodium in them. I'm going to have to look for a better alternative tomorrow while shopping.

1 pb&j sandwich w/nutella: 3pts
1 cup milk: 2pts
Wendy's Baked potato w/cheese(cheese is estimated): 7
Wendy's small chili: 4pts
Movies popcorn (estimated): 7pts
Lachoy Beef and peppers: 4pts
1 cup rice: 4pts
1/2 bagel pizza (low cal bagel, tomato slice, italian cheese, spices) with a tbsp light ranch: 3pts
1 skinny cow ice cream: 3pts

I'm also thinking about doing the Walk From Obesity in my area next Saturday (if I can). Check out the link and see if you can find one in your area!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Day 25

I was so proud of myself today! ...Until I realized while on the treadmill at the gym that I had only eaten breakfast today. How could I forget? I've been preoccupied with everything going on in my life and so preoccupied with losing weight that I wasn't thinking about eating. Now, I know I should call this a stumble, but I cant! I was not thinking about eating. For once.

I seriously thought that I was a compulsive over eater, and to be honest I don't know, so maybe I was. I used to plan my days around food. I would eat breakfast while wondering what I was going to have for lunch and dinner. There was no greater thrill for me than eating. I know that cant have changed so fast, but I feel a start. I will have to stay on top of making sure I get my points in, but I cant even begin to describe how amazing it feels to not have been thinking about food all day today. It feels freeing. Actually writing this makes me want to cry. It is amazing the amount of sheer power I have given to food in my life. It is my support, my blanket, my shoulder to lean on. I've allowed myself to dull over the years, thinking about nothing but food and slowly becoming more and more depressed. I've stressed and broken relationships over it. I have made life choices based on food, and more importantly, based on the effects food has had on my body. Which means I've allowed food to change my mind as well. I wont live like that anymore! I cant. I know it wont take a day, or a week. I might fight this for the rest of my life, but for once I can honestly say its worth it. Everyday I miss food in excess a little less. If there was ever a battle worth winning, its this one, for my body, my mind, and my soul. I know that sounds so dramatic, but it feels that strong. Only I wont be that weak anymore. Now I am crying! I need to remember this.

So yeah, I should have paid more attention to my points today, but I am relieved in a way. Today proved to me that I was not helpless in the face of food, one more time.

I will be better.

I made it to, and through the gym today! No accidents!

1 cup oatmeal: 2pts
1 cup blueberries: 1pts
1/2 cup almond milk: 1pts
1 serving chiles rancheros: 5pts
1 serving corn: 2pts
1 nutella sandwich on low cal bread: 3pts
1 bag popcorn: 5pts
1 full fat yogurt: 5pts
extra serving dinner w/light ranch: 8pts
Total for the Day: 32/44
Leftover: 12 (I ate until I was full at the end of the night. Its 3am, I am so done)

Sunday is my weigh in day! I don't know if this will stall me or whatnot, but I feel good about my week.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Day 24

Okay, so I didn't quite finish at the gym yesterday, and I didn't make it to the gym today. I'm not sorry about that though. I needed to let my body rest, and get out of the house for a bit (I'm a housewife). I have had a pretty good week so far gym wise, and tomorrow is a regular circuit day. I figure I will push myself tomorrow and make up some cardio on Saturday. I have a plan for the gym tomorrow, I will report back with success!

I've been feeling really good lately (despite yesterday). I feel like I have been smiling more if that makes any sense. I feel like I finally have a future! I know that sounds so dramatic, but thats it! I dont feel as dark and overwhelmed I think, and its shining through (I'm digging her out!). My husband noticed my mood tonight, and it made him feel good, which in turn made me feel even better.

For once I'm not dreading (completely) that Sunday weigh in! I am just hoping that my time of the month doesnt stunt my showings, but if it does it will show the week after! I will be positive, because I am my greatest critic, and I need to keep my head above water!

I'm still only averaging about 5-6 servings of veggies a day, and WW says I need to be eating 9 a day. I think I'm going to add a salad (of some kind) in to my day every day, and try and sneak more veggies into the meals I make. I love vegetables, even raw!

1 low cal whole wheat bagel: 2pts
2 servings mixed italian cheese: 3pts
1 serving SW dip: 1
1 large portion broccoli salad: 2pts
2 servings taco soup w cheese: 10pts
1 cocktail @ Dave and Busters: 10 pts(over estimated)
1 serving stir fry w/ chicken and veggies made by Ashley: 4pts
2nd serving: 7pts
1 pb&j w/ nutella on an arnolds sandwich thin: 5pts
Total for the Day: 44/44!

I went to Dave and Busters tonight and waited until I got home to eat. My experience with trying to figure out my points from eating at Bennigans a week ago was enough to hold me back. I decided that staying on plan was much more important. Another diet demon trampled by the diet parade!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Day 23

This post is going to talk just a little bit about my menstrual. If that troubles you I am very sorry, it isn't meant to. It played a very large part in my day today.

I made it back to the gym today, and I am proud of myself for even going because when I woke up this morning I had my period. I know most people would just throw on some protection and get on with their day, but really I can not do that. So I went to the gym today and I did 15 minutes on the treadmill, that's .57miles at 2.3mph. I had planned on doing 30/30 today but thought better of it because I was feeling kind of drained. Then I started my strength circuit. I do 8 machines, and when I finished on the 7th machine I realized that I had bled through. Everything.

I'm not going to go into how bad it was because that isn't important. What is important is that it is keeping me from being able to leave the house much less exercise! I was so mad at myself for having to leave the gym before I was done. I completed over half of my work out but I feel like it wasn't enough. I guess this is when I should just stop fretting and doubting myself. I move more now than I have in a long time, and I'm eating well. I know I haven't lost that much weight but I feel like my clothes fit better and my face looks more slim. I have just a bit more energy. I just don't want to be locked away from the gym for almost a week. Maybe I will find something I can do at home.

I'm never going to stop trying.

1 cup oatmeal: 2pts
1 cup frozen strawberries: 1pts
1 pb&j on pita thin: 6pts
1 serving curry w/ 1/2cup rice over 2 cups peppers: 7pts
1 bag low fat popcorn (7.5 cups): 5pts
2 servings rice quakes: 5pts
3 chicken tacos (serving size: 2): 10pts
Broccoli Salad: 2pts
1 ww yogurt: 1pts
1 pb&j on pita thin: 6pts
Total for the Day 44/44! 1/35 extra (forgot about the yogurt)
Leftover: 34/35 extra

I'm confused about popcorn. WW says that 5 cups of 94% fat free pop corn is 1 point. However, the bag I have pops about 7.5 cups. Why does my points calculator tell me that the bag is worth 5 points?