The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Day 295

Today was the day of my physical. I was actually pretty nervous. My experiences with doctors have not all been good. Everything came out pretty well except for two things. My TSH is high (which means my thyroid is low, and my triglycerides are high at 277. All of my other cholesterol levels were very good. My glucose is perfect, my kidneys and liver are great etc. She said I might be a little iron deficient but that because I have such a heavy period that it could be the cause. Also, my blood pressure is great.

She wants to do more blood work in 3 months. She said that the triglycerides could be explained because of my weight loss and my body trying to break down the fat, but it still worries me. When I got home and did a little research I also learned that my particular brand of birth control can also cause a spike in triglycerides. Either way I'm nervous. She said that if it didn't come down we might talk about medication, but honestly I might try going off of the pill first. Hopefully it wont come to either of those things. She wants me to try fish oil and limiting my fat and sugar more. I'm not actually looking forward to that. Yes, that was effectively a groan on my part. I don't want to struggle anymore, it really kills my motivation. I'm not actually saying I will struggle, only that I'm afraid. Not afraid of failing, just of losing my stride again.

I also cant afford my prescriptions (4 new ones for skin issues), plus I need to pay my gynecologist what I owe her in order for me to be able to get more birth control. Argh. It just never ends does it? I am ready for a break now! Maybe I'll buy a lottery ticket.

Can I have a really big awesome plus side? I weighed in at the doctors office (cant avoid that one), and that scale read 325lbs. I'm not counting on it, but it would be nice right?

All in all it was actually a really good appointment and I am relived that I am no where near having diabetes and that all traces of high blood pressure (from when I was a teen) are gone. I am also thankful that everything else is good.

I think I am doing a pretty good job guys.

I think that despite my journeys pit falls I have really been succeeding. I'm not whining but sometimes it really feels like the deck has been kind of stacked against me lately. Oh, and I know there is no deck and that everything isn't actively working against me. Sometimes I just feel that way. We all do I think. It's just time to push it all back and deal rationally. I'm not going to lose track this time. It's my life, and I'm not willing to waste it wondering what if!

I went to the gym today, but since its an in between day for me I decided to do some swimming instead of cardio. I thought it would be relaxing since I tend to get so stressed when I don't need to. It was not relaxing. Somehow the YMCA messed up their schedule and there were too many people trying to use the pool for too many different things. I was kicked in the face by a man who was swimming with his head and torso under water and feet out. I let it go. Then his daughter asked him to stop because he was splashing everyone else in the face. He said: "I don't care, they all deserve to be splashed." I am not joking. I just got out. I had been swimming for 45 minutes so it wasn't the hour and half I wanted, but it was enough and I needed to be near a less stressful group of people.

Today:

2 ww waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
2 cups chopped broccoli: 0
1 cup sliced peppers: 0
1 tbsp teryake sauce: 1
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 serving salsa: 0
1 orange: 1
1 sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving beef and veggie stew: 5
24/38

I will add the rest of my points after I use them!

Retta gave me an award! The I Love Your Blog award!

Here are "The Rules":
1. Thank the person that gave it to you.
2. Write 10 things that you love.
3. Pass this award on to 10 other bloggers.

1. My husband.
2. My cats.
3. My family.
4. My friends.
5. A quiet night at home alone.
6. My dogs.
7. Gummy bears.
8. Raspberry Iced Tea.
9. Singing.
10. Being able to see the stars at night.

Retta broke the rules and so I am too. I am not passing this on to any one person! The ability to share things about yourself belongs to everyone and honestly? I love too many blogs to pick just a few. Take this and share it with your friends too.

Day 294

If you are anything like me then you have been fat for quite a long time. These days you have finally heard the bell, that little pang in your head that finally let the switch flip. These days everything that everyone (not making fun of you) always tried to say to you finally makes sense. The things about your life being better and about "food always" being there. Things that promised you that you wouldn't miss out, and that in fact even before you were done your whole life would change. People would tell us that it would cure and solve everything.

They were...mostly right. My life is so much better. I still weigh over 300lbs and I feel alive for the first time in my memory. One of my middle school teachers once said that there was a difference between "living" and "being alive". Being alive is a very stationary one dimensional sort of thing, and living is constant movement in a world with more dimensions than we can count. Food is still around, but I am developing a relationship with it that will help take care of me for the rest of my life. I don't know why I always felt like being on a diet would mean missing out! I'm finally not missing out! All that time spent worrying about missing out, what was I worried about missing out on? Food. It was my only source of pure enjoyment. These days I still think about food. The battle isn't over. Human beings can't divorce food, so we have to change our perception of it. In the mean time I am learning to get enjoyment from being outside, from walking with my husband, and from accomplishing physical tasks I never thought I'd be capable of. An hour on the elliptical? Me? A year ago I couldn't go more than ten minutes on the treadmill at 1.8 miles per hour holding onto the side bars. Now I enjoy the way I feel when I am sweating. I enjoy the feeling of sweating so hard that I have to shake the drops off of my glasses. That is what living feels like to me now. Not struggling to breathe down the sidewalk to the nearest kitchen to sit down and eat and for the air conditioning to cool away the sweat, the evidence of my hard work. Only back then the evidence of my hard work was embarrassing. I didn't want anyone to see that I broke into a bad sweat just walking 20 feet. I didn't want anyone to know I couldn't do it. I didn't want anything. My whole life is changing, so much so that when I stop to wonder what things will be like after losing the whole 252 lbs I can't. I feel like the outcomes are endless and that I could never imagine anything that will come close to the experience. No, losing weight itself isn't going to fix everything that is wrong with me and my life. Only I can do that. ...But back then when people were trying to talk some sense into me they were onto something. It is within our power to fix the things in our lives that give us grief, but how can we face them as shadows of ourselves? How can we face anything not knowing who we really are or what we are capable of? That is how decisions come to be regretted, and why I was never able to finish anything. I never knew why, but I'm starting to get an inkling.

The gym was good today. Do you ever bargain with the cardio machines? I do. You know what I mean..."Just 5 more minutes and then I will stop." Then you finish that up, but don't stop, "Okay, just to 25 minutes, that's good enough." Then you end up doing 30 anyway. I only really have these conversations with myself when I forget my ipod...which I did today. I still managed an entire hour on the elliptical, plus an hour of weights. I have my physical tomorrow afternoon so right after that I am going to hit the gym to get it out of the way early.

Oh, and I did weigh myself this morning! MY scale said 327.4. Here is the thing: Up until yesterday my scale every Sunday morning (and I checked because I wanted to know) would be almost exactly 2lbs higher than the WW scale. On Sunday morning my scale at home said 329.6...which is what the WW scale said also. It was a different scale (there are 3), one I've never weighed on before. I have weighed in on the same scale since the first weigh in! Yeah I know, crazy...but then I've seen ladies take curlers out of their hair while in the line to be weighed. So now, my attempt to not weigh myself again until at least this coming Sunday, hopefully the one after that at the meeting.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1/2 serving pb: 2
1 serving sun chips: 3
1 serving salsa: 0
1 serving beef and veg stew: 5
1 banana: 2
1 low fat wrap: 1
1 serving dirty rice: 6
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving salsa: 0
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
1 serving mixed greens: 0
1 serving red pepper: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving carrots: 0
1 serving tomato: 0
1/4 cup chic peas: 0
1/2 serving ff ranch: 1
1 italian ice: 3
1 serving light chips: 3
1/4 cup salsa: 0
3oz cheese: 3
38/38 + 6/35

Monday, June 28, 2010

Day 293


Edited to add this photo. Please ignore my messy house! This was taken on Saturday afternoon (or Friday, my days are a little mixed up right now, I'm tired.). The pants in the photo are a size 32. I used to need a 34, but I don't have any of those left so these are apparently going to be my official weigh in pants! Inside these pants is me, wearing a size 22! Sorry the photo quality isnt that great, I cant find my camera so this was taken with my phone.

So I was feeling really discouraged this morning. I weighed in at my meeting and the scale there said I gained 1.4lbs. I have to say that I was shocked this time. I worked my butt off this week. Seriously. My food was lacking, I'll admit, but I didn't go over and I had a surplus of extra points and activity points that I didn't use.

I was really, really discouraged this morning...then I thought about it. My weight has been fluctuating downward slowly over the last few months and that has been putting a cramp in my step, and making me really second guess myself...which is honestly making me crazy. I've never lost this much weight before ever, and so I'm not always sure what to expect next. I'm not sure if this is normal. I will say that despite the numbers not being what I wanted in the last month or so I have dropped from a size 26 to a size 22. Besides that, I kinda have a feeling that the scale was wrong. I don't have a meeting next Sunday because of the holiday but I think after that I'm going to show a nice loss. I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning to get a base weight on my scale and then try very hard not to do it again until the next meeting. I will have faith in the process.

Not all in my life is peachy, its getting complicated again. My motivation is back, and pretty intensely too! I don't want to be all negative here, but sometimes I feel like the bad has to be talked about too in order to cope. So...the bed bugs are not gone as we thought and I know it's just me but they freak me out so badly that I am having trouble sleeping...pretty much at all. That is killing me. I'm so tired sometimes that I'm useless. I need to step up the workouts a little but I'm feeling exhausted at the moment. Never doubt the emotional toll of something like this ever.

These aren't excuses! I don't feel like I need them. I am 88 lbs down, and a size 22, down from a 34. This has been a hard year for me, and for my family but you know... I am persevering.

Today:
1 regular roll: 3
1 serving lunch meat: 2
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving lettuce: 0
1 serving tomato: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving peppers: 0
1 serving sunchips: 3
1/2 serving dirty rice cass.: 6
1 serving light mayo: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 light wrap: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
2 servings salsa: 0
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving ww pasta: 3
1 serving pasta sauce w/veggies: 4
1 yogurt: 2
2 servings beef and vegetable stew: 11
38/38 + 4/31

My points turn over tomorrow. Next week I pull my turnover day back to Sunday so that everything is the same. Weigh in and points reset day.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Day 292

Today was another active one. My husband and I have been out almost all day running errands and then really just enjoying ourselves together. We had lunch out together, and I thought I did pretty well actually, but now I'm not so sure.

I decided on a salad and we decided to split some nachos as an appetizer. I love nachos. (In fact if anyone anywhere has a great low fat or low point idea for nachos please let me know. I'm working on it too.) Then after about half of the (rather large) salad I was full. One half of the salad? 5 points. 1/2 of the nachos? 21. That ladies and gentlemen should be an equation of regret, but it is not. I've been doing pretty well, and still didn't go over my points today. Now I didn't realize that I spent so much on nachos until I got home, and hadn't really eaten much else. I guess that is a benefit of being more active? Okay, well then, deep breath, and get past it. Don't dwell Ruby.

In any case I have my weigh in tomorrow and grocery shopping and I need to finish my list. So far my meal plan (which is ever evolving based on sales and what I have in stock here) looks like this:

1. Szechuan chicken breasts, and steamed broccoli.
2. Chicken curry w/ brown rice and peas
3. Taco soup w corn bread
4. Chicken and stuffing casserole w green beans
5. Chicken mac casserole with green salad.

Hmm. Chicken, chicken, and...chicken. I have a bunch of it stocked, but hopefully will get something different this week. I don't actually have many beef or pork recipes, and fish is something most of my family wont eat.

What are you guys cooking this week?

Today:
1/2 serving leftover dinner: 6
1 ff wrap: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1/2 serving nachos: 21
1/2 asian crunch salad: 5
1 serving sunchips: 3
37/38

I need more veggies!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Day 291

I cried at a clothing store today.

I've been kind of emotional all day even though it was a perfectly lovely day. I needed to go out and get a new charger for my laptop (And it was 85 bucks! For a charger. Gah!), and so I decided to stop into a clothing store that I haven't visited in quite a while. The reason being that clothing shopping has never been fun for me. I was between a size 32 and a size 34. Nothing fit me correctly and those seemed to be the sizes that were always gone first anyway. Secondly I have been losing weight so I haven't really wanted to invest much money into clothes I will only wear for a month or three. So recently I bought a pair of shorts from Wal-Mart in a size 26 and so in the clothing store I was picking up size 26 only not thinking about the fact that my shorts are getting a little lose. I tried them on, and realized that I could get them on and off without unbuttoning them, so I asked my friend to bring me a size 24. She brought me a size 22, and it fit, really well. I have never in my life worn a 22. I went right from size 20 to 24 when I was very young. So I was pleasantly shocked, and I cried. Then I bought two pairs of shorts for 55 percent off!

Today:
2 ww ff waffles: 2
1 serving reduced calorie syrup: 2
Sushi lunch:
14 pieces assorted sushi (estimate using calorie king and WW online): 15
3 pieces gyoza: 3
1 baked potato w/cheese: 7
1 small chili: 4
1/2 serving leftover dinner: 6
1 ff wrap: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
38/38

Have you been inspired to tears in your journey before?

Friday, June 25, 2010

Day 290

"What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?"

That is actually a pretty moving question for me. I've been thinking along those lines a lot lately. What would I attempt if I was not fat? So many things. I have dreams that I've let go of and doors I've allowed to close over the years because I didn't (and perhaps still don't, not yet) have the confidence to fight for myself. This has been true in everything, even weight loss until now. Dieting is multifaceted. You think its simple and straight forward, and it is. Recently on facebook one of my cousins asked me for my "secret" because she needed to lose about 100lbs too. There isn't one! I realized then that the reason for my success, especially over the mental hurdles, goes back to the root of the question again. It isn't that I know the future, its that I know my life depends on me getting on the ball and losing this weight. So, I can not fail. Literally. So weight loss is simple, but people aren't. We are complicated, and sometimes deluded creatures. We get in the habit of telling ourselves what we want to hear even when we are hurting ourselves by doing so. I can lose weight whenever I want to. It can wait. I'm just too busy. It's too hard. I'm fine. This diet doesn't work. It's not fair. I'm just taking a break. There is no secret. Weight loss is hard, and transforming yourself on the outside takes transforming yourself on the inside too, and ladies and gentlemen, that is a long road. One we may never be finished. The weight will come off, but then I have to live. The reward is the long road. Maybe I will never get the dreams and opportunities back that I've lost, but I'm clearing the way for the rest of my life.

Today was incredibly active.

I took Chad to work before going to the gym (Woo! Third time this week!) and getting in an extra hour on the elliptical. Then I swam (fun swimming, not really work) for about an hour and a half. Plus today was karaoke, so I'm pretty proud of myself.

Dinner was iffy because I used regular sausage. OUCH 39.5 points for 14oz. Next time I am using chicken, or turkey sausage. Lesson learned!

Today:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1 grilled chicken sandwich: 6
w/ honey mustard: 2
1 small fruit cup: 1
3 waffle fries: 1
1 yogurt parfait: 4
1 serving dirty rice casserole (so many points because I prepared it using sausage, full fat, oops.): 13
1 serving pasta w sauce: 6
38/38

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Day 289

Someone noticed!!

I was at the gym today getting back on the elliptical for my second 30 minutes and this woman tapped me on the shoulder and told me that I looked great and that she had been coming to the YMCA as long as I had and she wished she was as motivated as me. I "Phsawwed" and told her I was just trying to get back to going regularly (which I have been, yay!) and that I had been seeing her there and she was also doing a great job. I'm excited though, it feels good to have someone that doesn't love you say that you are looking good. The thing is...I'm noticing too. I know before I couldn't see it so well, but like I said, suddenly I have edges. AND CURVES. I have a shape that isn't quite so round. My clothes are looking better on me too. I am very motivated right now.

Tentatively I am going to the gym tomorrow also to help a friend with her kids in the pool. I'm planning to get there early and get in some extra cardio. I mean I know I said three days, but any extra is good. I'm driving there I might as well get on the machine.

Since this post is early my points aren't all finished yet.

Today:
1 flatout wrap: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/4 cup rice: 1
1 serving roasted red pepper: 0
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving light mayo: 2
1 serving light honey mustard: 2
1 pudding: 1
1 banana: 2
1 cup rice: 4
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1/2 cup peas: 1
2 servings soy sauce: 1
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving whole wheat pasta: 3
1 serving sauce: 3
1 flatout wrap: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/4 cup rice: 1
1 serving roasted red pepper: 0
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving light mayo: 2
1 serving light honey mustard: 2
1 pudding: 1
1 banana: 2
1 cup rice: 4
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1/2 cup peas: 1
2 servings soy sauce: 1
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving whole wheat pasta: 3
1 serving sauce: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
2nd serving dinner: 8
1 serving icecream: 3
1 waffle with 1/4th serving of pb and 1/2 serving jam: 3
38/38 + 4/35

Wow! I was actually quite hungry tonight.

Day 288

I managed to submit my videos to the America's Got Talent Youtube contest tonight! That is how I spent my day. Making 3 more videos I was satisfied with and then submitting them. I feel weird with my face so visible on camera that way. Let's admit it once and for all: I am incredibly nervous period. I've always sung, but never with any outward motivation beyond karaoke. It's funny what losing weight does. It makes you be honest with yourself. Good and bad. I would love to sing. I have always been so afraid I would fail right at the jump because of my weight. Honestly I'm not sure I'm saying that I aspire to some huge career. I'm 27, and I want to be a mother. My life is changing so much! It's hard to keep up with what I want because so many things are becoming possible! That's a good thing right? Also, no one worry about me not being picked or being depressed about it. I'm really honestly good there. I'm just impressed that I actually took the chance.

Also I won a prize for the Spring Challenge! Amazing! I never expected it, and I'm really glad I took the challenge!

Today:
2 ww waffles: 2
1 serving reduced calorie syrup: 2
1 chicken nugget (yeah, I needed it.): 1
1 1/2 cups rice: 6
1 cup carrots: 0
1/2 cup green beans: 0
2 servings curry sauce: 2
1 tbsp light sour cream: 1
1 tbsp shredded coconut: 1
1 blueberry beer: 3
1 serving chicken noodle soup (homemade!): 4
1 serving dumplings (also homemade!): 4
1 strawberry cheesecake smoothie (strawberries, ff instant pudding mix, skim milk): 3
1/2 flat out wrap and salsa: 1
2nd (later) serving dinner incl dumplings: 8
38/38

Monday, June 21, 2010

Day 287

I have a some fasting blood work tomorrow for a physical next week, and so I ate my last meal just a few moments ago. Dinner would have been done sooner except I opted to go to the gym tonight and pushed my schedule back some. I'm really nervous about the blood work. I don't want diabetes. I know, chances are at this point in the game I don't have it, but after being so heavy for so long it does indeed scare me. Especially with PCOS and insulin resistance. So, I'm a touch on the freaked out side. I'm also worried about the physical next week. I haven't had many good experiences with doctors in my life! I like this doctor so far though, and I have my weigh in book to bring with me to show my progress. You cant sneeze at 90lbs in less than a year right?

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I recently revised my goals to 3 days a week, and so far so good.
2. I'm doing it most days now, and even today I got 5 servings.
3. I went to my meeting!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. I get a bike soon! It will still take some time for me to get my bike because of money, but soon enough it shouldn't be a problem. I was worried about not being able to ride one because of my weight but I think now it should be okay. :)

Now something I like about myself. I like that I am losing weight and that I am sticking with it! It takes real guts to do this so don't ever let anyone tell you any different. If you have the ability to do this then I cant imagine a task you cant accomplish.

Today:
1 can soup: 5
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving mayo: 1
1 serving cheese: 2
1/2 serving lunch meat: 1
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1/2 serving pb: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 serving almonds: 2
1 pudding: 1
1 serving brown rice: 4
1 serving chicken curry w lots of veggies: 5
extra cup of rice: 5
1/2 serving curry: 3
36/38

Day 286

Sorry this is late!

I went to my meeting yesterday and saw a loss of 4.4 lbs, putting me at my lowest weight thus far: 328.2. I am 10.4lbs from 100lbs lost. Its funny because when I saw the numbers I didn't notice how close I was to 100, I noticed the .4lbs from 90lbs lost first. I'm so used to little goals I guess. Its also hard to imagine 100 pounds lost when just to think about it in the moment I still feel like the same person. 89.6 pounds is a lot though. I feel like it isn't enough because of how far I have left to go (and yes it feels daunting sometimes). I'm not being fair to myself though. 89.6 means everything. It has meant walking, and smaller clothing sizes. It has meant my life. I am so ready for 100 lost.

I don't know if this is an NSV or not but after weigh in I was sitting in the car and I noticed a lump on my leg, down by my ankle. So I reach down to feel it and it was my ankle. I have bones now! I'm noticing a lot of things like that. I feel things on my body now that I'm not used to and it can be a bit unnerving but I think its because I have no idea what my body is supposed to be like. Suddenly I'm not just round and soft, I'm developing edges!

Sunday is grocery day as well as weigh in day and I didn't use my points well. We were out of the house all day. I need to work on my weekends.

Today:
1 whole turkey sub: 11
w cheese: 2
w mayo: 2
1 serving baked lays: 3
1 yogurt: 2
2 servings bubble up pizza casserole: 15
1 serving low fat ice cream: 3
38/38

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Day 285

So I'm really not that sick, except for the lingering headache, which I am proud to say is not a migraine.

It is however, painful and making it hard to be online. I had a lot of errands to run today and I wasn't feeling well, so my food isn't great, and I didn't eat all of my points. I'll probably pay for that tomorrow at weigh in but I cant help but be proud of myself. This has been my first completely on plan week in a month. I didn't fall completely off before but I was dragging behind diet parade. This week I didn't feel like I was faking it! And thank GOD for that because honestly I needed some time to just feel good about myself and everything. I've been stuck in these size 26's long enough don't you think?

Wish me luck for weigh in!

Today:
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1/2 serving pb: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 baked potato w/ cheese: 6
1 small chili: 4
1/2 serving boneless wings: 6
1 chicken fajita pizza (yay flatout wraps): 7
1 serving carrots: 0
1 yogurt: 2
32/38

Day 284

Sorry this is going to be a short one as I think I've caught what my husband had, and I'm feeling groggy. Thankfully I don't have as much congestion as he seemed to be dealing with. Needless to say - there was no gym today. Its alright, I have tomorrow, and if I don't feel better, its okay! I was completely on plan this week! Ugh, the congestion does mean that I didn't make it back to make more videos. I have two though and if everything else falls through I can make a few (less pretty) videos on my own.

Today:
2 whole grain waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1 ww icecream: 2
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1/2 cup corn: 1
2 serving soy sauce: 1
3 servings teriyaki: 2
1 cup hot tea: 0
1 serving honey: 1
1 serving Meatloaf Pizza Pie: 6
1 serving carrots: 0
1 serving meatloaf pizza pie: 7
1 blueberry muffin: 11
36/38

Friday, June 18, 2010

Day 283

Sorry for this being so late! There was no gym today, as really its a Thursday and normally we go to karaoke. Tonight though I went with some friends to record some videos of me singing. I am going to submit some videos for the youtube America's Got Talent contest. I know my chances are slim, but I'd regret it if I never tried. We recored two songs tonight but it took forever since we were learning how all of the equipment works and such. I'm going back tomorrow night to get a few more done. Then I will choose the best of the lot! I'll post whatever I don't use here, and give you guys links to the ones I do so that you can vote!

In any case I missed dinner tonight and snacks and by the time I got home I just wanted easy so: more leftovers. I did alright though. I did not go over my points!

Today
1 serving veggies (mostly corn):1
1 enchilada: 8
1 serving chicken, tomato, and potato stew: 9
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving enchilada: 8
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving lunch meat: 2
1 serving mustard: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/3 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
38/38

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Day 282

Quick post tonight, as I have a friend here. Her long time boyfriend (might as well be husband) is coming in from out of state tomorrow and she is trying to finish his birthday gift. A 13 foot long Doctor Who scarf. She taught herself how to knit and is now putting the finishing touches (tassels) on it and wanted my help. I will post a picture of the scarf tomorrow Friday after she gives it to him.

There was a party today that I attended after I went to the gym. Two days down! I did alright at the party too. I'm finding that I am eating almost all of my extra points this week, but I'm okay with that as I have 23 activity points so far and if everything goes as planned I should have another 17 or so on Friday. I should definitely show a loss this week!

Today:
2 low fat whole grain waffles: 2
w 1 serving reduced cal syrup: 2
1/2 banana: 1
1 yogurt: 2
2 servings ww brown pasta: 7
1 serving sauce: 3
2 slices pizza: 8
1 slice cake: 10
1 serving enchilada: 8
2 servings mixed veggies: 0
38/38 + 5/11

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Day 281

Today was unremarkable except for my head ache, which has let up a bit in the last hour. I did not go to the gym today which is fine as my revised goal was 3 days a week. I'm still feeling really motivated and on track. My food was great today too. I don't know how to describe it...I just feel...hopeful again. I don't feel stuck! Hopefully it sticks. I've always known that this was the "it" time for me. The journey that I would finally make it through to the other side. Greener pastures if you will. I guess just like anything else I cant rush through it and expect it to work. I'm going to have to patience and work through the down days. I know I'm not there yet, but I know I'm on my way.

I am however looking at some step (or one of the many videos on cable) and I might try one tonight, nothing huge, maybe 30 minutes to give myself a little boost and keep my enthusiasm up. Plus I need to start stretching, seriously, my hamstrings are so sore! I guess that's a good sign though.

Well, time to get off of my butt!

Today:
2 low fat whole grain waffles: 2
w 1 serving reduced cal syrup: 2
1/2 cup fresh blueberries: 1
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
2 servings low sodium soy sauce: 1
3 tbsp teriyaki sauce: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving lunch meat: 2
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving mustard: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1 serving whole wheat macaroni: 4
1 serving pasta sauce w tons of veggies: 3
1 cup of soup: 6
1 whole grain waffle: 1
1 tbsp spaghetti sauce: 0
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving diet pepsi cake: 4
38/38 + 4/15

Crap. I forgot about the pepsi cake until I was going over everything I tracked just now. Oh well.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Day 280

Something that makes me smile? I have more energy and it doesn't hurt as much to use it. My poor husband is sick, but went to work anyway and now he feels rather horrid. So I'm taking care of him, and doing the things he normally does at night. A year ago I would not have been capable of the tedious back and forth, up and down type stuff. I'd have helped him as much as I could, but he would still have had to do things for me...and he would have because he loves me (and he in fact keeps asking me if I need help). Tonight though, I can totally take care of him. That makes me smile.

I think I'm off to a pretty nice march here so far. I can see Diet Parade just around the corner up ahead. I'm having trouble planning my points out so that I don't have a ton left over at the end of the evening...but so far that seems to be it. My veggies could be better, but I got 7 servings of fruits and veggies in today...

I went to the gym and I did 55 minutes of cardio and my full circuit. Yes, I am so counting that 55 minutes as an hour! I was getting a pretty bad headache. I have been fighting a headache since last Thursday, but I have meds from last time to try and make sure it doesn't turn into a migraine again.

So I fell off for a month here, and the Monday Spring Challenge Check in's haven't been coming. I'm sorry for that, but I am going to post one tonight because I'm back and even though I've neglected...well...everything, I want to get it all straight.

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I am getting back to it! I know its late, but I am determined!
2. I again am getting better but I'm still a work in progress.
3. I went to my meeting!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. Soon! I almost went bike riding at the beach with Chad, but Uncle Freddy came a knockin' almost as soon as we realized the condo came with bikes!

Now something I like about myself. I like that I am without a doubt, resilient. Despite being down and out, or falling back I will never give up. I will be fighting this battle for the rest of my life. Nothing ends at 165lbs, life begins anew! I still have to be careful though because I know the risks of food and lifestyle choices. I will never be 400+ again, but I'll have to be mindful. And who knows? Being down and out recently could be a cyclic thing, I might have to fight this and "fake it until I make" it several times before I hit 165. Does that make it less worth it? No way. I will be riding roller coasters, wearing smaller clothes, taking care of sick husbands and having babies by the time I am done. Living life is always worth bouncing back.

Today:
2 low fat whole grain waffles: 2
w 1 serving reduced cal syrup: 2
1 banana: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving chicken tomato and potato stew: 9
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/2 serving turkey breast lunch meat: 1
1 serving mustard: 0
2 slices tomato: 0
1 slice roasted red pepper: 0
1 serving dinner (later): 9
1 slice diet cherry pepsi cake: 4
38/38

Diet Cherry Pepsi cake

1 box any reduced sugar (or not) chocolate cake
12 oz diet cherry pepsi
1 pack ff, sf, instant chocolate pudding (4 serving box)
2 egg whites
1 20 oz can cherry pie filling

Mix dry cake mix, pudding mix, egg whites, and pepsi until well blended.

Spoon mixture into bottom of prepared bundt pan.

Spoon half the can of cherries in on top.

Spoon the rest of the cake mixture on top of the cherries.

Bake as package directs (check though, mine took the lower amount of time).

After the cake cools, remove it from the bundt pan and pour the remaining pie filling over the top.

Enjoy!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Day 279

So raise your glasses of ice water to bravery tonight, because I did in fact go to my meeting. For the first time in a month. I'm planning to not miss anymore. I find it gets easier to find reasons not to go the longer that you don't. I gained 3.6lbs. Not terrible considering the month, and my recklessness. I'll admit too, that at first, and especially this morning, I felt ashamed. It's hard to separate your self worth from how much you weigh. When those numbers on the scale climb, we start marking down our value. As if somehow a few extra pounds on the journey as a whole equates us to a Wal-Mart rollback item. We are better than that. I know I am, and as much as it stung to go in there and face my consequences, it was certainly freeing to put them behind me and be able to move on and feel motivated again.

This week you are going to see me kicking butt.

On a side note I have decided to slowly start moving my starting day (for weekly points and such) to Sundays. Since we are doing it slowly I am starting by moving it back to Monday, and then in a week or so I will drop it back to Sunday. That way everything, weigh ins, and points wise will correspond.

I did not eat well today! Though I started out not so bad. I counted everything! I had take out with the family tonight and the worst I've done is use some extra points.

Today:
1 yogurt: 2
1/2 subway turkey sub: 5
w cheese: 1
w mayo: 1
1 serving baked lays: 3
3/4 dinner size serving taco soup: 6
1 serving cheese: 2
1 bite cheesecake )I made a banana cheesecake for my husbands father, he has been asking for it for over a year now.): 1
1/2 cheesesteak sub (hopefully over estimations using calorieking.com): 20
1 small order frenchfries: 13
3 buffalo wings: 4
38/38 + 20/35 (weekly)

It always has bothered me to use the weeklies, but this is what they are there for. I will say though that my body does not appreciate this treatment. After working so hard this week I ate and became really ill. It was either bad food, or my body in revolt...which gave maybe half of everything back. Ick.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Day 278

Early post tonight because I am going to my meeting tomorrow, and after this bad sci fi movie (Stonehenge Appocalypse on Syfy) ends I am hoping to be headed to bed.

I have grocery shopping after my meeting tomorrow, and I'm really getting kind of excited about being back on plan. Its kind of freeing. I am planning my meals and thus my choices again. Once I add the exercise back this week everything should progress again. Never say die!

Edited to add my dinner list for the week (incl my notes):

1. Chicken Fajita Pizza (on flatout?) w green beans
2. BBQ Chicken Burritos w french fries and carrots (Next week idea, make extra chicken w/ bbq and make a bbq chicken pizza!)
3. Enchilada lasagna w mixed mexican veggies
4. macaroni and spaghetti sauce w double veggies (use zuchini before it goes off!)
5. chicken tomato and potato stew (double-ish batch to have extra for lunches)

Today:
1 (dinner size) serving taco soup: 7
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crips: 2
1 ww ice cream: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving pb: 3
1 serving chicken teriyaki w 2 servings veggies: 6
1 cup brown rice: 4
28/38

I'm ten points shy, and I am kinda hungry but tomorrow is grocery day and there isn't a lot to chose from! I'll come up with something and update before I go to sleep. Maybe I'll have another serving of dinner?

Added Food:
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1 serving dinner w/o rice: 7
36/38

Day 277

I was not terribly active today but I have been incredibly active this week, despite it being a slasher week. I was out walking several days in a row (on the boardwalk!) at a pretty nice clip for several hours at a time. I'm not feeling too bad about a down day at this point. Though I do have the urge to over do everything so that I don't have to face the inevitable gain I'm going to see on Sunday. I have been pretty loose for the past 2 weeks, my only salvation being that I never stopped telling myself I was on a diet and so I wasn't going overboard constantly. I have a feeling that had I been able to cultivate that mindset a long time before now I'd never have made it to over 400 lbs. You guys are right though, I have all of the tools I need to go on. Thanks for that!

Today:
1/2 turkey sub on wheat (subway): 5
w/cheese: 1
w/mayo: 1
1 serving baked lays: 3
1 small mocha iced coffee with skim milk and splenda: 3
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
2 servings soy sauce (low sodium): 1
3 tbsp teriyaki sauce: 2
1 ww ice cream bar: 2
1 (dinner size) serving taco soup: 7
1 serving cheese: 2
2 low fat whole grain waffles: 2
1 tbsp jam: 1
1 serving light syrup: 2
1 bag light popcorn: 5
38/38

Friday, June 11, 2010

Day 264 - 276

This was taken on Wednesday Morning. It was hard to post this picture (I'm wearing shorts!), but it proves a major point to me. This is all worth it. I would suffer through every single part I don't like, to continue to experience the transformation that has taken place in me. I stalled recently and it really gives me some perspective here. I am happier when I am making better choices.

So this has been the longest that I have ever gone without posting. I have to admit that I have been in a bit of a funk, diet and life wise. But you knew that. Anyone reading this knew it! I suffered some intense emotional turmoil and I dropped off the diet parade route harder than I have have before. I took the last twelve days and I went on vacation, we had our car fixed, we are spraying once a week for bed bugs (which are controlled, thank God for that), and my cat is better (so far so good.). I went to the gym twice last week, but my heart still wasn't in it for real. I'm back though and I'm going to work through it all because I'm just not ready to fail. I talked before about going back to basics but I didn't then. I know it will help me though because it has gotten me back on track before, I just need to be more firm. I'm still one of those people who cant take a break from this, you know? One day off or even really one meal is too many. I did get to the point where one meal off once in a while wasn't bad, but see where I am now? That is an incredibly slippery slope. So back to basics for real I go.

I am going to be aiming to go to the gym three times a week, more is bonus. I am aiming for 180 minutes of cardio a week right now, or what ends up being an hour for every day I go to the gym.

I have to start reporting what I eat every day here on the blog because I am much more honest about it when I do. I'm also writing everything down again (and have been for about a week now) to help me stay within my boundaries.

I'm going back to getting in my veggies every single day (that I can).

No eating after 2am on every day but Saturday when I stop eating after 11pm.

Make my Meetings!!

This isn't starting over or anything like that. 12 days isn't enough to call a "do over". Its enough to take a swift kick to the butt and realize that you need to get up though. I walked the boardwalk at the ocean this week with my husband, and I was never winded or tired or hurting. 3 years ago on the same boardwalk I cried because it hurt so much to walk for so long. I have to tell you I just don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose the freedom that losing over 80lbs (so far!) has given me. The confidence alone! I am wearing shorts! Honestly! A year ago I would not have dared to wear shorts, and besides that I couldn't have bought any. Maybe at a plus size store, but for way too much money. I got these at Wal-Mart, and yes, I was over excited. I think I deserved that. Just like I deserve to keep going, and I deserve to weigh 165 pounds. So this Sunday I am going to Weight Watchers, loss or gain, and I am going knowing that I am back to making good choices.

If I missed any points or important parts, let me know. Or really if anyone wants to know anything, ask and I will answer.

Today:
2 whole wheat waffles: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 serving reduced calorie syrup: 2
1 arnolds sand: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving mashed potatoes: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 ww ice cream: 2
1 bag popcorn: 5
2 ff hot dogs: 3
2 arnolds thin hot dog rolls: 3
1 serving baked beans: 3
1 yogurt: 2
35/38