The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Friday, March 30, 2012

Day 75

This post is coming early because I want to talk about something and I think if I wait until the rest of today has happened I will lose some of the sincerity in my written voice because I will have had too much time to over analyze and second guess myself.

A friend of mine (the one who had the baby a little over a year ago in January) has been feeling bad lately and since she had gestational diabetes she went into the doctor concerned that she might have the full blown disease now. Her diet is crap, all of our diets were crap growing up and she, like me, has PCOS. On the scale the doctor gave her she needed to score a 6 to be considered a diabetic. She scored a 5.9. She doesn't need to monitor her blood sugar right now, but they are putting her on a diabetic diet.

On a whim, feeling empathy for her, I told her I would do it with her. What have I gotten myself into?*

Honestly though I have lived with a diabetic who controlled her condition very well. My grandmother never needed insulin until she started cancer treatments and everything went nuts. Plus, lets be honest. I weigh more than 400lbs, have PCOS, and diabetes in my family history. This can not hurt me. I have done low carb (30 or less carbs a day for quite a while is what finally stopped my menorrhagia) and diabetic diets arent as hard. They are better balanced, more sustainable and work perfectly fine with Weight Watchers.

So now, as I sit here having my 1/2 cup of strawberry apple sauce I find myself asking a question in opposition to my original one.* What have I got to lose?

Over 250lbs.

Day 74

I went to the gym tonight, and did the Arc Trainer. It felt really good to do it, but I was still in pain, so I didn't push it as hard as I usually do, focusing more on time than intensity.

My shoulder is really bugging me, my knee is on an off and I can deal with that honestly. If it isn't better by the time I get back from Boston I am going too make an appointment to see a doctor. I will have both checked out in that instance.

So now I am sitting here in my kitchen with Biofreeze (which is awesome) all over my shoulder. I need to eat something so I am going to go do that now!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Day 73

Lets do it this way. Confidence in ourselves and enough love and kindness for ourselves to not only forgive the mistakes, but also to realize that despite the pain, frustration and triumph this journey is going to bring, you are being kind to yourself by going through it.

I have trouble making good choices outside of the house. When I am home, I make wonderful choices. I think this is going to be my challenge particularly since I am going to Boston in a week. I am going to go back to Weight Watchers the week when I come back home. I'm not skipping on purpose but going back with a commitment and then missing the following week would make me nervous.

Tonight I am nursing a sore shoulder, and a sore knee. I did feel a little defeated this evening when I was standing in the canned fruit aisle (I had a coupon for 50 cents off 2 canned dole pineapple, any kind on sale for .99 cents each, but the only thing they had on shelf was canned in heavy syrup so I was waiting for someone to come and pull down some stock) and I went to rest my leg on the back of the cart so I could hold it in place while crossing some stuff off of it. When I moved my knee there was unexpected pain. I was immediately frustrated. I had hurt my knee a few weeks back (after a long day of grocery shopping, I went to the gym, and then I went to Walmart with my husband and while he was checking out I went to sit down and when I sat down I suddenly had pain in my knee for reasons unknown. ).

So, I schlepped my groceries home tonight, put them away with a bunch of help from the boy and now I am sitting with my leg up. I have made the decision not to feel sorry for myself. Nope. Not going to do it.

I'm going to nurse this broken, unforgiving body tonight, and then tomorrow I am taking it to the gym and putting it on the arc trainer. I am not going to push myself to further injury, but by God, a body in motion stays in motion. So tonight I am frustrated, but not done, and I guess that is the point. Sometimes being kind to yourself means kicking your own butt.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Day 72

I was going to wait until tomorrow to make this update but Chad has to change the rat cage anyway so here I am on my nook.

I was okay today except I caved a little on lunch with my mom and got Chinese and sushi. Dinner was lighter with veggies. I made the chicken and broccoli casserole recipe from the current issue of Eating Well magazine. Tomorrow when I am not on my nook I will update with a link. Later in the evening I had a fruit and yogurt smoothie. Other than that I haven't eaten anything. I had an appointment with my aunt this morning to have my hair done (yay! Finally!) And didn't eat while I was at her shop.

Then tonight my gym buddy and I decided to try my yoga DVD for real. We were shut down pretty quickly. We need mats. The floor was painful! So we did what we could and tomorrow while I am out grocery shopping I am going to look for a mat.

My mood has really lifted some. I still find myself drifting into destructive thought patterns and sometimes I miss Blue so much I find my throat catching. I feel so much guilt. I loved her though and I believe I gave her a good life.

I'm going to go watch the rats jump back into the tank while the cats despair. It's cute. :)

Recipe from this dinner:

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Day 71

I was more conscious of my food choices today. I did pretty well despite my last few weeks of grocery shopping being full of less than stellar food choices. I had:

1 package instant oatmeal
1 6oz container of light yogurt
granola/protein bar
2 cups (home made) chili w/saltine crackers
2 cups tomato soup (made with water, not milk) w/saltine crackers
1 sandwich (2oz chicken breast lunch meat, 1oz yellow american cheese and 1tbsp light mayo)
1 serving pickles
3 oz tilapia filet (lightly breaded with chili and lime spiced panko and cheddar cheese, baked)
3 cups steamed broccoli
1tbsp creamy italian dressing

I am about to have a fruit smoothie (also home made with frozen fruits and yogurt) for dessert. I will start listing points and such for everything eventually but I haven't even opened my WW online account since I stopped doing so well. I know I need more veggies too and a little more diversity. Until Wednesday though, I am working with what I've got.

I did get some cardio in today, out walking with my gym buddy. It was too cold though, and walking outside has it's limits for me so tomorrow I am heading back inside the gym for the Arc Trainer. I get less pain that way and I think I am better able to accomplish more. I want to run eventually but I need to tackle the first hurdle: My Weight.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Day 70

Okay, I have made a few decisions.

1. I am recommitting to my journey, or rather recommitting to my commitment to it. My husband will be coming along with me this time as he did the first time. I am not restarting my day count because I feel like the last 70 days have been important. I should not ignore my struggle because it is just as important to the outcome as are the times when everything feels good or easy.

2. I am going to be active (even if it means lightly) 5 days a week. I am looking at at least 30 minutes of cardio per day. I'm not talking about killing myself. It could mean a long walk for one of the dogs, or it could mean a killer session on the Arc Trainer (Oh, how I miss thee.) at the gym. I want to get back to weight training, but I am giving my shoulder a break. That is not an excuse, I like weight training. I'm just not going to give myself further injury. I will see how it feels in a few weeks.

3. One of my largest problems is planning to have a great day and then getting up in the morning and letting my emotions take over. I am going to get up early enough (maybe 10 or 15 minutes) to reflect on the day I am about to have. Maybe it will end up being a short yoga session (I love my Heavyweight Yoga DVD!), but for now I just want it to serve as a platform for getting my thoughts straight.

4. I am going back to tracking every single little insignificant piece of food that goes into my mouth. It is way to easy for me to lie to myself about how a "bite" isn't that big of a deal and can't possibly have done that much harm. Trust me, the bites blend together until you hit the bottom of the bowl.

5. I am going to strive to eat the amount of veggie servings daily that Weight Watchers says I am supposed to have. 9 servings a day sounds daunting, and at first I am sure it will be. I wont beat myself up for not making it every time but I want it to be a very serious goal. I know it will make me feel better considering when I am off the wagon so-to-speak I hardly remember what vegetables look like.

I want this. If I can not focus on anything else in my life right now I am going to choose to focus on this. I want it, and I will be damned if I just let it go because I am ashamed of having failed or disappointed in my performance to start. No one is grading me but me! If there is one positive message or piece of advice I can give you as a failed (previous attempts) weight loss journey taker it is this: My worst enemy is and has always been me. No one throws me off but me. I make those bad choices and I choose to let myself get bowled over by an emotional attachment to food. I am not powerless. You are not powerless! I have all the tools I need given to me by community, love and God/the Universe (or whatever higher power you do or do not believe in).

When people question your choices, when they ask "Should you eat that?" or when they say "You could use the exercise anyway." or "I don't know why you would choose , it never works." ignore them. Shut them up with results. If you find that you aren't going where you want to go, change your methods based on your experience and research. That is what I am going to be trying to do.

I'm sorry if this sounded like a rant! It isn't! I just feel a little fiery tonight. Forward march!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Day 65

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt

I am searching inside myself for whatever was in me before. I am looking pretty deeply. I haven't been feeling very well emotionally for a while. I know that this isn't really a good enough excuse to just give up on myself. I feel like I have/had half given up.

Tonight I went on a walk with a friend, and it felt good, but I still felt emotionally depleted so it was hard to discern that feeling at the time. I am taking a break from lifting with my arms/shoulders at the gym. My shoulder has been giving me a fit for weeks now. I am doing stretches for it and getting regular massages (husband, not professional) of that spot. It feels like the trapezius muscle so I am also taking a break from wearing a bra as much as possible. I am a 52 G cup, so this is a big deal.

I have been consistent making bad choices, and I think its time that I accept that this isn't going to be easy regardless of my emotional state. I know that already, but I need to stop using it as an excuse. I need to remind myself that there is more at stake than my comfort for the few fleeting moments it takes to eat something that doesn't deserve the space I am giving it in my life.

Hopefully I can find the steel somewhere in myself and pull it out for a long haul because I am not where I want to be, and I am not who I want to be. The only person with any power to change that is me right?

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Day 64, and my title photo is gone.

I am not really sure what happened. I do not know where I originally found that photo and I don't have one saved on this computer. So until I find a new one I guess its this.

I am stuck in a rut right now. I feel like I keep meaning to get out of it and I keep sliding back down like I'm stuck in the bottom of a well with greased sloped sides.

I'm still here I just don't have a lot to say. I am exercising, but not enough and my eating is not better. It is a long road, this one. I don't necessarily need advice. I know what I need to do, and I even understand on several levels why it isn't that easy to just do it. I just wish that my brain would talk to my brain.

This is the biggest reason why I do not think I am a great candidate for weight loss surgery. My body is completely willing. My head is always trying to speed up or sleep through the process.

Anyway, good night guys.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Day 62, 63

I feel like I am beginning to feel better. I still miss Blue terribly and I still have this depression (that would be here regardless of circumstances) but I feel a little better. We planted our seeds in a starter tonight and set it under grow lights. Even that gave me a huge boost. I feel really good when I'm active I think.

So the diet parade? I have pretty much been holding it on the back burner. My eating is out of control but my activity is great when I get my butt in gear. I have been all out of sorts and I feel like my emotions are finally chilling out. The diet/lifestyle change is what I plan to really focuss on this week. That includes my sleep schedule which is all over the place.

See you guys tomorrow.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Day 60, 61

I am updating for yesterday today because I went to bed almost as soon as I got home yesterday and slept for 12 hours straight. I hadn't slept the night before. I just couldn't settle my mind down. When I woke up it was slasher week.

Yesterday was grocery day so I was out and moving all day which did not give me the break I needed. I am taking that today. I feel light headed and achy. I don't think I'm sick, I think I'm just exhausted. I am definitely tired.

Tonight or tomorrow morning depending on how I feel I am going to start my seeds for the container garden I am planning. I think it will be good for me to get outside more this year, not to mention that growing your own veggies is rewarding all by itself. I am growing lots of herbs, including cat nip (I couldn't not). I am growing 2 different kinds of tomatoes, bell peppers and habanero peppers, carrots, zucchini, and potatoes (in old trash cans!). I am also planning to grow strawberries and if I have the room and money for more containers and supplies I will add more veggies too.

The only flower I am growing so far is from a pack of seeds a friend. Forget-me-not seeds. In the color blue. I am going to transfer them to a pot and sit them over Blue out back.

Wish my garden luck, I haven't ever done this before. I am hoping that one of the benefits here will be the beginning of a healthier relationship with food.

I will see you guys tomorrow!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Day 59

I have better pictures of Blue, but not without scanning them in. In this photo she has followed me to the bathroom and is waiting for me outside the door. I have a lot of memories I want to share, but even the happy ones feel sad to me now.

A year after my grandmother died, my grandfathers very old (22 in human years) Siamese cat passed away. My grandfather was pretty devastated. When I heard my neighbor had found two kittens, I went to look at them, thinking maybe he might need to love something else in order to get beyond the loss. My neighbors son had been playing in an alley near my house when he heard mewing coming from inside a dumpster. Of course, being a little boy he jumped in. He found two tabby kittens inside a plastic grocery bag. Someone had literally just thrown them away. Thinking about that now, and how much I love both cats, let alone just Blue makes me so angry at people in general that I can hardly speak about the subject.

(From left: Tippy, Pedro, Yod, Blue)

I brought one of the kittens, who later became Blue, down to my grandfather, who told me he didn't want any more cats. He wasn't ready. I was sad. I held this tiny kitten with the white paws for almost an hour before I took her back to my neighbor.

The next day while I was at work, my brother and the neighbors son brought both kittens down to my grandfather who decided he couldn't let them be separated. He took them both.

From that point on Blue was my cat. I got the other two when the men working the warehouse at my moms job found a pallet full of kittens. The mother didn't show up so my mom started giving away kittens. She was left with two which she mistakenly brought home and allowed me to fall in love with (that took all of two minutes). My grandfather named them all. These are my original four cats. I rescued for a few years and now I have too many but these four cats make up my core group, and the ones I am the closest to. Even among them Blue was still special. I feel guilty saying it because I love them all so much but honestly? I will never ever meet another cat that I have that level of connection to. I loved her so much.

These past few days have been so hard. I never realized just how comforting she was just by being here in the house. I find myself reminded of her almost everywhere I look. Particularly when I look at her sister.

I went on a 30 minute walk (timed) with a couple of friends today, and then after a break we went to the gym. I skipped the extra 15 minutes of cardio because I was sick afterwards yesterday, but I did some stretches and worked on the strength machines.

Thanks for listening to me. I feel so stupid when I talk about her to other people. I get the feeling no one wants to listen or they think I'm strange. I'm probably just projecting my insecurities though. Good night.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Day 58

My cat took a turn for the worst and she passed away this Friday morning. I seriously feel like I have a hole in my chest. I am not good company for anyone, and I am having a hard time keeping my thoughts from spiraling down into guilt and self loathing.

I miss my cat. It is such a simple statement, and to some I am sure it is incredibly innocuous. I can not believe that I will never see her again. I feel like I let her down. All I see is her face and her gigantic bright eyes, full of trust. All I feel is lost. I dream about her, and I see her everywhere I look. I haven't let her go I guess. I feel like I lost a person, I did lose my best friend.

For the past three weeks she was all I thought about. I was so distracted by her and my feelings over her that I was not very kind or loving to myself. I didn't post here, and I didn't stay afloat very long.

Since Friday when she passed though, I have felt a little release, which I feel guilty for. I have been out walking (timers set for 30 minutes) Sunday and tonight and I went to the gym tonight after. I worked out a little too much though and made myself sick.

Here I am trying to pull myself back together again. Am I so fragile? Sometimes I think so, but then I know I can get it together. I just have to woman up, and refocus my goals. I have to think about me, and how I feel and how I want to feel. I have to stop worrying about perfect.

It's time for the big girl panties.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Day 46

So today I got some good news. I called the union to ask if there was anything in my insurance about replacement glasses (you never know). I found out that my insurance has changed as of January 1st. I now get more money off each pair of glasses instead of a small percentage AND I am covered for a new pair every year. A friend loaned me the money needed (as I am very seriously broke) and they should be ready in the next 5 days. So that at least is taken care of. We are not generally this tight but the first quarter of the year is always so hard for us.

I went grocery shopping today with $28 to spend to get essentials ( we will be fine next week so no worries from you guys) and with in store sales, and coupons I managed to get $100 worth of groceries for $11. That kind of a shopping trip doesnt happen often and it lifted my mood. I know thats silly but it allowed me to feel positive which allowed me to straighten out my thoughts some.

So now I am sitting in my bathtub, taking a bubble bath (typing from my nook) and feeling a little relieved and renewed. Its bedtime I'm setting some goals for tomorrow. Positive ones that include the gym again finally. I havent been back this week.

I feel like some of the negatives have backed off this evening. I hope I can carry that feeling for a while.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Day 38-45

No, I haven't quit, though I thought about it again. This past week or two has been pretty heavy for me. everything got paid. Our taxes and everything else we needed to pay. My bathroom is DONE, finally, and I have to admit, its nice to be able to take a bath in a tub I don't feel like I need a tetanus shot to use.

All of this however has left us extremely broke for the near future and I have to admit I was wallowing a bit. Then, my dogs ate my glasses. Yes, ate them. I have some of the pieces, but nothing can be fixed. Without insurance (I have insurance but I already used my allotment for glasses on the pair that was eaten) having them replaced will cost us $407.99. So I'm looking at alternate sites and stores right now.

There is so much going on right now and as I start to type it I find that I feel it's kind of pointless (and I always feel like I am complaining and I know that so many people have it so much worse). Not that I can't overcome it, but that I'd rather write about overcoming it than drowning in it. I just feel like there isn't any light burning at the end of the tunnel right now. I'm not being negative, but factual about what is going on in my head. I'm still faking it. I have to ask myself why, when my weight is holding me back from everything I want in life and shortening my life and making me miserable, do I still need to "fake" it. My stomach isn't the problem, it's my head. I'm letting this beast take everything from me. What is it going to take to light this dampened fire?!

None of this is important other than to say I am succumbing to life "as usual" and it isn't what I want. I want to rage against the flow or fight for my life as it were. I'm just having a hard time right now, and other than this blog and a few friends (who honestly have their own stuff to deal with) I don't really have a shoulder to lean on.

In any case, I'm going to take the next few days to get my act together. I am back to updating every day now, sunshine or not.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Day 37

So I stayed within my points, and I went to the gym. I even managed to get in a respectable amount of fruits and veggies yesterday.

My bathroom however wont be done until at least tomorrow night and then I have to wait for the finishes to dry before I can use it.

In any case this is a short entry because it was a pretty uneventful day, except for the fact that my bathroom is driving me nuts.

See you guys tonight when I update for the day then. I have a date with the gym after my husband gets home.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Day 34-36

So where have I been?

Falling off track. It was too easy not to blog when it got rough. I'm here though. I don't want tomorrow to be like the last 3 days so I'm fessing up to not eating on plan.

Why? Stress. I get stressed and I find I lose control over my will. I need to try harder, plain and simple. It's easy to give in to a lunch/dinner/treat/binge you know darn well you shouldn't have when you feel like you are giving yourself a break from the rough time/day/week you've just had. I am HUGELY guilty of that thought process. I still see food as a reward, coping mechanism and way to relax. I give myself permission based on emotional distress! Ridiculous!

So, the stress though? My house is in disrepair. We moved back in with my mom two years or so ago to help her because she couldn't pay her bills after my grandfather died. We didn't want her to lose the house. We talked so much before we moved in about how the bills would be shared and who would pay what etc. Shortly after we moved in though we realized that we would be paying everything except for my mothers car payment and insurance, and the homeowners insurance. My husband pays everything else, including the bills we have.

So recently we have been pretty broke. I coupon to buy the groceries for all of us, and we budget sometimes down to the dollar from week to week. We have recently been saving to pay the property taxes on BOTH houses (the one we own, and my mothers). This is not a small amount of money, but we did it. We have the money.

Well we ended up with a hole in our ceiling from a leaking drain in the bathroom. My cousin volunteered to fix it (he fixed similar issues for my grandparents in the past). The day the process started I expected to need to spend a small amount of money. Then there was more than one leak, then there was black mold. Now, there is a bathroom renovation going on that we have not budgeted for, that we knew we would have to do eventually, but we have been trying to get to a place that made it financially feasible.

It's happening, we can't really live in a place with black mold festering in the walls. Having a family member do it is keeping the price down, but it's still hard for me. My husband thinks we are still going to be fine, and honestly I guess I do too. I was so stressed on Saturday night though that when I was told what needed to be done I vomited (Not like immediately, but later when I was giving myself anxiety by over thinking it).

I sort of let this situation (along with some other stuff that those of you who have been here long enough already know about, if you don't you can read back, I'm not really ready to rehash that right now) destroy my progress before. I don't want to do that this time. So I guess this is a reminder to me to get my butt back in gear.

My husband made me leave the house tonight (with him, on a planned late Valentines day date that I was thinking about skipping), and reminded me gently that things aren't as bad as I fret about them being. I'm a worrier. I tend to get really caught up in what could go wrong and then I become less able to handle what is going on. We usually come out of everything okay.

Anyway, I will be here tomorrow night guys, after the gym kicks my butt some. ;)

Friday, February 17, 2012

Day 33

I lost 1.4lbs this week! Its slow going but its going down. I'm still horrible about tracking the way I used to. It was easier when I was writing everything down with all of my points but now I am finding it hard to write everything down and I am tracking using WW online system. You cant calculate the points values of anything using a slide anymore. Now we need their calculators or their online system. That part is annoying.

I don't feel connected to my group/meeting the way I used to either. I made it to a 5lb mark today and I didn't want to raise my hand when she asked for celebrations. I felt silly. I really miss my Sunday meeting group but meeting at 6pm is so much easier for me than meeting at 9am. Our schedule is not conducive to being an early riser.

My leg/knee is still pretty sore, so I skipped the gym tonight in favor of cleaning my house. I'm not sure what happened to make it suddenly so sore, but I am pretty sure I will be fine in a few days. I push myself as hard as I can, and I sometimes forget that weighing 400+ is already stressing my joints and bones and muscles. I'm probably going to keep pushing myself whenever I can. It feels good.

When I started this journey/parade again I was faking it until I found my motivation and my will again. I don't know how long that is going to take, but this week I really felt like I wanted to do this, and I was enjoying the gym and how the gym made me feel. It's a start.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Day 32

I cant remember what my personal best at the gym was before I gained all of my weight back, but tonight I experienced my personal best at the gym so far this time. It was really rewarding to know that no matter what the number says tomorrow (and I am hoping for less) I am seeing progress. I feel better again, and I can walk more again. Its just kind of amazing that I was able to forget what the gym meant to me before.

My food was okay today too despite being outside of the house all day. I am developing a love for Panera as we end up eating there on every grocery day.

So after being on my feet all day grocery shopping I went to the gym, and then Chad and I went to Walmart to get a curtain rod and walked around for another hour or so. I am so proud of myself for being active, even if my version of active is a touch boring.

My knee hurts a little, but I can rest it tonight and most of tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, that is meeting/weigh in day and its way past my bed time!

Good night!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Day 31

Today was much better. My food was great, veggies up and I'm not hungry.

It was hard to go to the gym again tonight but I did it. I guess its so hard this week because I missed time last week. I know its working though because I am fitting on the machines better than I was when I started...which shocked me a little tonight when I noticed but also felt really good. I can also get on and off the hip machines a lot easier now.

We switched our grocery days from Mondays to Wednesdays, so my gym buddy cant go with us to the gym tomorrow but I am still determined to go. I know that being on my feet all day is going to make me want to come home and grow roots into my couch but I also know that it will be easier to love myself if I take my butt to the gym. So I shall. That is the plan.

I'm feeling rushed this week for some reason. I think its stress, but the stress has lessened some. I keep feeling like its a day later than it is. I have so much left to do tonight and all I want is a foot rub and my pillow. Well, I'm pretty sure I will get the foot rub anyway. ;)

Good night guys, I hope you had a happy Valentines Day.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Day 29-30

I promise I wont be making 2 day posts all of the time, it has just been a hard couple of days for me emotionally.

My food has been good these two days, and I did go to the gym tonight. I even got to use my new weight lifting gloves which are awesome. My yoga DVD came today too, so I'm going to take a look at it in the morning, and on Friday night which is our standard no gym night (thus far) the girls and I are going to try out the DVD as a group.

So, no gym yesterday. I was really disappointed to be honest, though I never thought I would say that in a million years. It just took us so long to finish up with our outing (it was a girls day out, we went and had makeovers at Ulta, and bought makeup. It felt very nice.) on Sunday that the gym closed before we even got back home. It was fine, I stayed within my points and I wasn't sitting at home in front of the tv all day. Today though, we made it.

Slasher week is gearing up big time. I am all crampy and my body is digesting everything I put in it with vigor to say the least. This will be my first slasher week back on Weight Watchers so hopefully I will be able to keep up the gym all week.

For Valentines Day this year there will be no candy (first time ever, I asked for it to be so.). My husband and I are exchanging cards and next Sunday we are going to dinner (his schedule is such that we could not go out on the day of). I think I would prefer that over a box of chocolates that I will inevitably abuse. What does everyone else do for Valentines day? Or any holiday that is a "candy holiday"?

Good night guys!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Day 27 - Day 28

I found myself dreading making an entry last night. I didn't fall off the wagon or anything but I just had nothing to say. Do you ever have days like that?

Then right before bed I had a tiny little itsy bitsy emotional melt down to my husband who comforted me and told me that I give up to much of what I want for what other people want all of the time and that I end up feeling resentful later. I do feel a little resentful about some things that are going on in my life and I have to admit that they and that feeling of resentment are competing to see which one I let kick me off the wagon first. I say "I let" because honestly I feel like I cant fall off of the wagon. I can have bad days and bad moments or meals but no one falls off, I think we jump. I'm not jumping. I'm going to roll with the punches this time. If it takes me the rest of my life to lose this weight so be it. We don't fail unless we decide to stop trying right?

One thing I am really excited about (like I am every Saturday night before bed)? The gym tomorrow. It always ramps up my enthusiasm and commitment as well as stripping off some of the tension and stress of everything.

I think I am also going to start recording my food here again too. I think I'm more honest with myself that way.

Good night guys!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Day 26

I went to Weight Watchers today even though I knew I was going to gain. I didn't gain though, I lost .2lbs. Could I have done better? Absolutely. My food this past week was sub par to say the least. I was within my points some of the time, but I was having a really hard time staying in control. I don't feel bad about it though. I want to lose weight but I am trying not to beat myself up for every gain or less than super significant loss. A loss is a loss.

After the meeting I walked down to this little pizza parlor where my friends were waiting for my meeting to be over (I was running late and didn't have time to drop everyone off before I went to WW). I didn't eat there because my friends were almost done, and I wanted to go home and count my points but this place was pretty cool. Whole wheat pizza crust, really healthy and unique pizza toppings like eggplant, and sprouts and all homemade, down to the sauce. If I were going to eat pizza it would totally be there!

I'm telling you all of this because while I was sitting at the table watching my friend feed her one year old eggplant pizza, another member of my Weight Watchers meeting came in. She met my eyes and I could see her guilt, and maybe some embarrassment like I had caught her doing something wrong. I felt bad for her because I used to feel that way. Like I was doing something wrong for eating food that I liked. Even tonight I felt a twinge of something unsavory poking around in my brain as I walked down to the pizza place. What will they think when they see me leaving the meeting to go into a pizza place? Almost instantly though I realized that I am accountable only to myself. I can have pizza on Weight Watchers. The issue isn't the food itself, but the choices I make concerning it. Who cares what the other Weight Watchers members think when you walk into a pizza place? You are either counting, or you're not and only you and the secretary will see that number come next weeks weigh in. Even that doesn't mean that next week or tomorrow cant be better and none of this means pizza was a bad choice. It really depends on the choices that follow. It's all up to you, and to me. I'm choosing to track my food better this week. Not because I only lost .2lbs, but because if I can lose when I'm half good, I know I can do better when I go all in.

Anyway, today has been a rather long day and I'm feeling a little overstimulated and stressed so I am going to clean up my house a bit and then watch a movie I rented from Redbox: Shark Night. Have I mentioned I love bad horror movies?

Good night guys!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Day 25

Today was a better day than yesterday in a lot of ways. I had lunch out with a friend (soup and salad, but I totally ate two bread sticks...and counted them). I went to the gym a little earlier tonight which was really nice. I got in my cardio and then I did my nautilus routine for legs. Having finished my whole workout, I rewarded myself with 15 minutes in the massage chair (free at my gym for black card members!).

The best part of today though was that when I got home from the gym I had enough energy left to do a little housework! That is pretty excellent as most days I find myself pretty beat after working out.

Dinner tonight is pineapple chicken curry from the current issue of Taste of Home magazine. It isn't done yet, but it smells wonderful!

Good night guys!

EDIT: I forgot to say that I ordered my weight lifting gloves, and my yoga DVD finally!

Day 24

So let me start out with the part that is awesome and pertinent to this blog: I went to the gym today, and I ate within my points! Food was little hard for me today. For some reason I just didn't want the good things, but I ate them anyway and had a fabulous dinner. I made Sour Beef and Dumplings (which I had never had before) and served them with mashed potatoes. This was a higher point meal than normal, but I left room for it (I planned ahead!) and it was nice to try something new. The gym was good too. I skipped weights because of soreness but still did my 30 minutes on the arc trainer.

Someday, I really want to run. I know that is so far away but I can't help but think about it. Even the thought of the act feels freeing to me. I know my friends don't feel that way, but I do! I run a little on the arc trainer (easy on the knees) but only for a minute or two at a time, and before I lost my way on this journey last time I had just made it to jogging at intervals without a cardio machine. It wasn't much, but I would like to get there again.

My cat is doing better, she has eaten more today than she has in weeks, and she was begging for my food at dinner. On the downside though, my older rat Tink died last night. When it rains, it pours. She was at or over the top of a normal rat lifespan, but I still cant help but miss her little face every time I pass the tank her and Wendy lived in. If you guys haven't guessed by now, I love animals.

Anyway, good night!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Day 23

Today was grocery day. I am making my entry quick because I am tired and got home fairly late. Apparently everyone who didnt shop during the super bowl was out today! I was out from about 1:30pm until 11pm. By the time I dropped off my companion and unloaded the car it was almost 1am. Needless to say, no gym tonight. I would feel guilty but I don't. I was moving today and though I ate out I did not over do it. I even have a meal plan this week which is something I have never done while couponing!

I am also taking care of an ailing cat which has me pretty emotionally exhausted. My oldest cat who happens to be the most "mine" of all of my cats ( you understand if you have cats) was completely off food and losing weight. She has lost most of her teeth! She is stable now. I have her on all the wet food she can eat and 14ml of nutrical a day. She has to be force fed the nutrical but as soon as her weight picks back up some I will back off of that. Her energy is back already though and her eyes are brighter. I am so relieved that I cried. I love the silly cat so much!

Anyway that is what has been on my mind outside of weight loss over the past two weeks. It's so hard to talk about without sounding like a crazy cat lady...which I guess I am. Goodnight!

Monday, February 6, 2012

Day 22

Today was the best day since Thursday for my journey/body/mind.

We slept in a little, I got up and went to the gym, and I ate on plan.

I have been noticing that my shoulder is starting to bother me at the gym towards the end of my lifting routine. I'm going to try switching things up and maybe dropping the weight a little for a particular machine for a while if it doesn't ease up any. I have been really pushing myself on the Arc Trainer/ elliptical every day that I go. Music helps and I try not to look at the time! I really love the Arc Trainer though. It is the best cardio machine at the gym. The regular elliptical feels weird on my legs and over extends my knee some. PLUS I burn more calories in the same amount of time on the Arc Trainer. I have been calling that thing an elliptical for so long, and I know its a kind of elliptical of sorts, but it is really different at the same time.

I didn't buy enough fruits and veggies this past week to get me through, so since grocery day is tomorrow I am really going to try and keep that in mind. I have spent the better part of my free time this evening going over a grocery list and coupons. I also went through all of my pantry areas and took inventory. I should be good this week.

Sometimes I feel so boring updating this blog. My days are pretty simple, and I don't live an incredibly exciting life. I like posting here though. It keeps me honest and makes me feel really connected.

Good night!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Day 21

I can not wait to get to the grocery store. I need more fruits and veggies stat. Most of what I have left to reach for is okay, and I can have it, but not very nutritious.

I also feel excited to get back to the gym tomorrow afternoon. It makes me feel good. And since my food hasn't been all that great since Thursday, it should fuel my motivation back up to full. I don't exactly know how the gym does that for me but it does.

I had a small nsv. My clothes are fitting a little better. It isn't much, but I noticed.

So, short post all. OH. And the tooth I had removed:

I will have a better picture once the batteries in my actual camera charge, but for now that is from my cell phone. The long thin thing is a metal post.

Good night for now guys!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Day 20

My recovery is going super well I think. I am able to eat most things now, but after having eaten dinner my mouth was really sore. It was also sore after doing a lot of talking and laughing tonight when I went to see a movie with friends for a friends 30th birthday. All day yesterday it hurt alll of the way up into my ear, and my face still looks a little swollen today.

They gave me Lortab for the pain but honestly it is nothing like what I was anticipating. I haven't taken any of the Lortab. I took two ibuprofen last night before bed, and I will take two more tonight, but I haven't needed much else. Last year when they removed my wisdom tooth I was in so much pain I couldn't think or speak or even open my mouth. They used a bone saw that time too, but that time they used it to break up my wisdom tooth and shave my jaw bone. This time it was only to break the tooth up. So I'm doing alright. (Edit: Apparently I am so tired I repeated some of the same info as yesterday, sorry!)

Food has not been great the last two days while I was healing. It will be much better tomorrow though I still can not chew on that side of my mouth. Gym again on Sunday.

I am now so tired that I am feeling kind of sick to my stomach so good night!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Day 19

Today's entry is coming really early while I still feel like doing it!

I had my surgery this morning, and it was not as bad as I anticipated, it never is. I needed the bone saw again to cut the tooth up before it could come out, but he didn't shave my jaw bone like last time so the pain different. No where near as bad. I mean, yeah I have pain, but last time it was all I could do not to freak out. The tooth gave the surgeon a little trouble, but he handled it. There was still puss and infected tissue he had to drain and remove too. He settled my mind though when he told me I was right not to try and save this tooth. I have stitches and a giant hole in my gums, but its gone and I am relieved! I have lived with that infection for months! They let me take home the pieces of my tooth, which I will get pictures of when my husband gets home. I even have the metal rod that was put in my tooth during a root canal when I was 16 or so.

My food hasn't been great today, which I knew was going to be the case. I can only have soft foods for the first 24 hours, and I didn't plan well for the time. I haven't gone over my points but it's okay, that is what the weekly points are for, and I have a crap load of activity points. I also can't use straws!! This is the part that kills me. I use straws in everything.

So no gym today and maybe not tomorrow, but its really okay to take a break after a bone saw has been used. I'm going to sit here on the couch with my kitties.

I went to my Weight Watchers meeting today! Yep, right after surgery. There isn't really any exertion involved in stepping on a scale so I figured I could not let myself get away with missing that unless I was in debilitating pain (which I really was when I had my wisdom tooth removed).

I lost 4 pounds! And I finally know what my weight was: 427.8. That's right, 10 pounds heavier than my previously recorded highest weight ever. That's okay though, I am already 4 down.


Day 18

This is going to be really short! I have that appointment tomorrow to have my tooth removed so I am going to bed on time again. I'm actually typing this from my bed too.

My food was great today but I am running out of fruits and veggies pretty quickly now. I will keep that in mind when I do my shopping next week. I also went to the gym again today which makes 4 days this week! Pretty proud of that, especially since I am getting a forced break starting tomorrow. I am starting to feel a little stressed by the amount of time I spend at the gym. I felt that last time too. How much is too much and how much is enough?

I will let you guys know how my surgery went tomorrow night. Good night guys.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Day 17

Today was another really good day. I am really pushing myself at the gym, and when I can do that I feel really good.

My food has been great too. I'm staying in my points, even though for some reason today I felt ravenous all day. Dinner was taco soup with jasmine rice and a toasted whole wheat tortilla. I added some guacamole and light sour cream and I felt like I was being incredibly indulgent. I was also finally feeling satisfied which is important to me at the end of the day.

So I have a drawing I need to post that Retta made for everyone to color in last week, but I haven't finished it. I just haven't had the time to get everything done (and I will admit that when I hit the gym as hard as I have this week all I want to so at home is rest! I need to build up my endurance again!). However, I will definitely have time the rest of this week so I will be looking forward to posting that for you guys.

Sorry to make this so short, I am just so tired after the gym! I could update before the gym but I love being able to say I went to the gym instead of "I plan on going". (Edit: Annnd then I wrote a ton more...)

I'm feeling really good about the path I am on. Even though I am not where I set out to be 2 years ago when I started Diet Parade I am not ashamed, though I will admit to being disappointed. Life is full of turn abouts and resets. Sometimes you need to make the wrong turn to learn how to stay on the path at all. I'm still learning some amazing things about myself and who I really am. I'm not perfect, I never will be. I will have bad food days, there will be days where I skip the gym to veg out or to go out with friends. I have cried over pizza, lost 99 pounds, gained it back, been made fun of, been sabotaged, sabotaged myself, hurt myself because of pushing myself too hard. I have hoped and lost hope and found it again. The path to success is unique to the individual and almost never a straight line. I can't quit just because I got turned around before.

So here I am, feeling really committed and strong. I am starting to feel that little vibration of hope fluttering around in my chest. Even though its hard, I can do this. I will do this until I get it right.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Day 16

Today was another really good day. I feel good (even though I am still thinking about my surgery every waking minute). My food was right on again. I feel like I am eating all day long though because I am back to having the max amount of points that Weight Watchers gives someone. Dinner was fantastic and so satisfying. I made baked teriyaki salmon and baked yams with steamed peas after the gym tonight. Fish! A while back you would not have caught me eating fish ever. I'm trying to diversify my diet a little bit so that I don't get bored and I stay brave.

The gym was good too, I am doing well on the elliptical and the circuit machines. I have gone Sunday and tonight, and I am going tomorrow and Wednesday. Thursday is toothzilla day, and then I don't know. I'm going to try and sit through my Weight Watchers meeting after my surgery, but if I can't I wont beat myself up. I need to get myself some weight lifting gloves to alleviate some of the discomfort my hands experience when doing the circuit. Something else to add to my list of things I want to get after we pay the property taxes along with the yoga DVD and new shoes. My ankle is still hurting but I am wearing the brace every time I go to work out.

Sorry for how jumpy this post feels in flow. I'm tired and I am thinking about so many things right now that its getting hard to stay focused!

Anyway, I think I am doing pretty well right now and I am going to try and stick to that feeling for a while. I might make it to bed early again tonight! Good night guys!

Monday, January 30, 2012

Day 15

Today was much better than yesterday. I woke myself up coughing. I was afraid I was getting sick again but as the day wore on the feeling of needing to cough lessened. I think it was all the dust and grime from helping clean out the flood mess in a friends basement.

I went to the gym, and I think I even did better there than usual. A little more time on the elliptical and all of my upper body/arm machines. Then I skipped dinner with friends in order to go grocery shopping and be more in control of my food for dinner. Speaking of which, my food was awesome today! I finished up with 7 points to spare and I am going to bed early.

I'm really nervous about having toothzilla removed on Thursday. I'm also relieved. I want it and the worry gone, but I am always afraid that something will go wrong. I'm a worrier I guess. The tooth/surgery thing is going to be riding in the forefront of my mind all week.

In any case I am really proud of my day, it feels like a really solid, confident step forward. ...I can almost hear the sound of my diet parade up ahead!

Good night guys!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Day 14

I am updating from my Nook tonight so this will actually be a short post for once instead of me saying so and then writing a novel.

Food was not perfect today but no war is lost to one battle. I'm here for the long haul and I expect mistakes and plan to grow through them. I was over tired today, and gave in too easily. Just so you all know, I am already in bed. I am learning that I seriously need eight or more hours of sleep to function or be productive. On less sleep I have trouble making good choices and not giving in to emotional ones. Yes, food choices can be emotional. I learned that last time.

I only went to the gym twice last week after being sick and then hurting my ankle but I am off to a good start here already with a plan to go tomorrow in the early evening. I should be able to go every day except Thursday when I have surgery on my tooth but we will judge the days after when we get there.

Good night guys!

Friday, January 27, 2012

Day 13

I am updating early tonight!

I got Florence + The Machine tickets this morning! The show is 2 days after my birthday so Chad bought me a ticket as an early gift.

Other than that it has been a really low key day. I did some much needed relaxing, and I think my ankle feels pretty okay. It hurts a little but not like it did. The gym closes and isn't open tonight so I didn't go, but it's okay. My efforts so far have rocked.

What has also been on point today has been my food. I plotted every bite and I preplanned my dinner so that I knew what I could have. I want to succeed and the food part is feeling really hard for me right now. I just need to make one good choice at a time right?

I don't know if you can tell but I am feeling very off today. I'm feeling used up.

I think I let people have whatever they want from me on a rather consistent basis. I have a really hard time saying no, particularly to my friends and family. I feel like I am being spread in a thin layer over my life. I'm working on that. It didn't effect how I ate or moved today but I feel like not recognizing how I feel could be a detriment.

I have a potluck birthday party filled with cake and yummy things to get through tomorrow, and I have to get up a few hours early to go to a friends house to help with flood clean up. I'm going to be tired, stressed and hungry, but I am going to get through it. Maybe the longer I go, the stronger I will get?

I think I am going to use the word "tenacious" to get me through this week.

Good night guys.

Day 12

I'm going to try and make this quick because I am exhausted.

So exhausted that I cried on the way to the gym, but we will get to that in a minute.

I had a bunch of errands to run with a friend today. Her daughter, Loey turned 1 last week and the party is this Saturday. I am making the cake that she gets to destroy all by her lonesome. I needed some stuff for that because the messier the better! Three layers, top and bottom are rainbow, and the middle layer is chocolate with the center cut out and filled with cherry pie filling. Then I am going to ice it with white icing, spray it purple and dust it with edible pink glitter. Oh yes.

I went to Weight Watchers today! I can't tell exactly what my weight is because they printed my original sticker from 2009 by accident (and I didn't notice until I got home to enter my weight online which apparently they do automatically now...), but online they entered my weight automatically at 10lbs heavier than that. So either 417.8 or 427.8. Either way I feel pretty humbled and I have to admit to feeling some shame. You have to start somewhere right? I cant give up just because I don't like where I am right now. I am doing this to get away from where I am right now. Instead of letting this dampen my motivation I would like it to light a fire under my bottom and keep me moving!

Anyway, as to why I cried on the way to the gym. Sometimes when I am really overly tired, I also get really overly emotional. I did not want to go to the gym. Seriously. I even sent a text to my gym buddy to warn her: "The only way I am going to the gym is if you make me." She didn't want to go either, but she made me and we got through the elliptical. We went, and it feels good to have gone. I was so tired though that on the way there I cried like a giant baby. I think I have been working on less than max all week even though my sleep has been okay. I got over being sick, had a great weekend away, went to the gym, hurt my ankle etc. So I am going to bed early tonight. I need/deserve it I think.

Tomorrow we are back to counting points in earnest! Good night guys!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Day 11

Alrighty well today was pretty uneventful for the most part. I tried to stay off of my foot all day. This morning the swelling was gone, but its still pretty sore. I put my brace on and went to the gym again tonight without modifying my elliptical time down. I also did legs on the circuit machines. That was all well and good until I got to the one machine I have a really hard time getting on and had to like shimmy/scoot/hop on one foot just to get on. That was painful, and stupid. I should have skipped that machine just for the time being. Sometimes I feel pressure to do everything, and I know my body well enough to know when I need to step back some. Most of my work out was fine, just the hop/scoot/shimmy was ...thoughtless!

My food was good, I had a smoothie from breakfast because I woke up feeling nauseous, but I made sure I still ate something.

Tomorrow is my first Weight Watchers meeting in over a year. I've been paying this whole time. I know that sounds silly but I knew that if I canceled my membership that I would never return. I couldn't have that. It worked for me, and I want it to work again.

So, I am off to have a nap while my food cooks and put my foot up. Good night guys.

Edit: Woot! I'm proactive! I just changed my address with Weight Watchers and printed my temporary Monthly Pass card until I get a new one.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Day 10

I went back to the gym today! The only thing I modified down was my elliptical time, and not because of being sick.

You wont believe this, but today I was getting out of my car at the grocery store and my ankle started to hurt like I had just twisted it or something. I haven't tripped, fallen, stepped wrong or anything, I just have the best of luck. And tonight after walking on it all day at the grocery store it was swollen. I still went to the gym. I couldn't pass it up again. I went to CVS after and bought a nice ankle brace and I will put it up tonight.

Currently my plan is to attend a Weight Watchers meeting on Thursday at 6pm. The last meeting (the one I went to before that I had so much success with was a 50 + lbs to lose meeting in the early morning) was too far out of my schedule. Being up 4 hours before normal in order to go get weighed in was stressful.

My food was okay today too. I am finishing up my day with a Lean Cuisine meal. I know, frozen meals are not optimal. But it was this or popcorn because I was not exaggerating when I said I was exhausted. Sometimes frozen meals (the healthy ones) provide quick and easy nutrition in the right portions when I am lacking time or want to do more. Mostly I use them for lunches though. I don't feel guilty about it either. I am pretty proud of myself for eating the Lean Cuisine rather than murdering the pizza that my roommate bought.

All in all I had a pretty good day. Good night guys!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Day 9

Today was a sick day, and it was well worth it! I feel better right now than I have all weekend. I still have congestion so I'm not ready to run laps but I might be ready to brave the gym tomorrow night. We will have to see right? I wanna push myself but I don't want to hurt myself.

I do feel in a hurry to get started and deeply entrenched in this business.

I have to watch those feelings though. My emotional want is that this will go quickly, but I know that it cant and I don't want to set myself up for failure with unrealistic hopes or expectations. I could lose weight quickly at first like last time and then slow down or hit a stall like I did last time too. I also don't want to think I can handle the gym and then go make myself worse, which I have also done before.

I don't want to base this journey on anything but action right now. Anything else complicates it too much. It's what I want, and so I'm going to get busy making it happen.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Day 8

I am apparently so sick that I almost forgot to update this blog tonight! I don't have anything exciting to say, but I don't want to get out of the habit just because I am sick. As soon as I am better workouts will resume as normal and I will go to a Weight Watchers meeting. Before I would have worried that being sick and not going to the gym would have made people think that my heart wasn't in this, but this time I feel like what other people think doesn't matter as much as what I do. I am going to get back to it as soon as I can breathe.

Despite being sick my food was pretty good today. I had free breakfast at the hotel, Pho for lunch which I ate less than half of, and macaroni and cheese for dinner (which my friends sent over because I missed dinner with them because of being sick). So not as nutritious as it should have been, but I was good with portions and quantity.

I am taking antibiotics and Robitussin DM (cough syrup) currently. My throat doesn't hurt so much anymore but I have some chest or bronchial congestion, a wet cough and an off and on stuffy nose. When we came home from Comcon today I slept for 10 hours. I had no idea. I thought I was laying down to take a short nap before meeting friends for dinner but I guess the bottom finally dropped out! I had been going all weekend while being sick and I guess my body was letting me skate by and knew the party was finally over.

I'll be taking it easy for the next day or two and then I guess we will reevaluate.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Day 7

And I think that it wasn't so much the abscess as it was that I was just plain sick. My ears hurt, my nose is trying to get stuffed up and my throat isn't letting up. I am on antibiotics so I'm okay, but I am beaten for now, no workout, though I did try to do so today. I went to dinner, and to some of the meetings and I managed to soak in my bath tub (at the hotel) for about a half an hour. The steam helped but I am completely miserable. I skipped the room parties and drinking and rowdy crowds tonight and came to my room early.

I did eat well today though. We had free breakfast in the hotel lobby, went to Wegmans for lunch, and had a catered dinner at the hotel. No take out!

I had a good time, but now I am sick and I want to go home! I get to go home tomorrow afternoon, so not long now. I haven't been sick in months. I have been being careful and taking airborne. I had a 24 hour stomach bug on Christmas Eve but those are brutal and quick. This is slow and lingering. I'm really hoping that this is as bad as its going to get because I have the antibiotics and such.

I need to pick a new meeting for Weight Watchers this week!

Goodnight guys!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Day 6

I am still here! I am at Comcon and it snowing snowing snowing.

We got here pretty late and had a pretty light dinner (I later had a smart one frozen meal because I was hungry). I have a few drinks with friends in the lobby of the hotel and some of us came back to my hotel room and we talked for hours. This has been glorious for my soul.

Tomorrow is a big day, meetings, formal dinners and entertainment and more friends. I will be working out in the gym with my gym buddy and we have even attracted a crowd of other friends who want to go work out with us.

It's late and I have to be up in 5ish hours. I will be back tomorrow night!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Day 5

I am kinda proud of myself today. When I got up this morning my throat hurt so much I couldn't talk, my left tonsil was swollen and *Uncle Freddy had come to visit. I didn't feel sick, but I did feel kinda weak and tired. Not feeling sick alarmed me a little that my abscess (having surgery on 2-2) might be raging again. So I called the pharmacy and had my antibiotics refilled (I figure either way, I'm good) and drank a lot of hot tea all day.

I ate sensibly, and I still went to the gym. I put on my big girl panties, picked up my gym buddies and went. My workout was lighter tonight, but it was still good. I know that I wont be able to go to the gym all of the time during *Slasher Week but when I can it feels really good.

Tomorrow begins the ComCon fun and I wont be home until Sunday night. However they have internet access there so I will be updating even if its just a line or two. I will probably not have a perfect eating weekend, I know that, but it doesn't have to be nuts either and keeping this blog updated keeps me straight.

Good night guys!

*If you are new or it has been a while: Telling people about Aunt Flo is awkward, and I love horror movies. Since my period is a lot like a horror movie (heavy, and not normal heavy either) I call it Slasher Week, and Uncle Freddy. It makes it funny and lightens the mood a bit.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Day 4

Today has been trying to say the least. My husband and I stayed active all day and we will be able to get back on track sleeping wise to say the least.

This is going to be a short entry tonight guys because I don't have much to say! I spent the day out of the house running from place to place.

We did not go to the gym today, and I am choosing to think of this as positive. I have been every day this week so far (including Sunday) and I will be going again tomorrow. The only other day that might be missed is Friday because of scheduling and being out of town. I am choosing to think of this as a day of rest, which I think I needed. My whole body is sore and though if I wasn't tired tonight I would have gone anyway, I am pretty sure I needed it. So switching from negative to positive thinking. Or trying to. I need to stop getting so hung up on what I think this journey is supposed to be like. It's different for everyone and it wont even be the same as last time. The only thing I am certain of is that it's going to be hard work!

I felt stronger of will last time, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything bad. The work outs are easier for me this time than the food portion is, which is the opposite of last time. But, like last time I do expect myself to eventually come around to being comfortable with both of those parts of this thing. Going back to meetings will be pivotal I imagine.

I can do this, I just need to remember that it doesn't have to be perfect, especially not yet. I need to keep going and working on my habits and my mind set. I will find the sweet spot!!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Day 3

On to honesty! My husband and I have been staying up later and later every night for weeks and recently it has been worse than ever. This morning we got up so late we decided to finally correct this issue. I am not the kind of person who can just go to bed on time and get back on track. I lay awake. Case in point: The night before last I laid in bed for 6 hours staring at the ceiling or tossing and turning. So we are going to be up for the long haul tonight.

SO we got up extremely late (think evening PM) and rushed to go do the thing we needed to do today. I did not plan well and ended up with a burger and fries for a late lunch. I should have thrown one of the Weight Watchers frozen meals I just bought into the micro before we left because thinking back, I did have some time. I don't feel shame, but a little regret. I could have done better without much effort.

That being said I went to the gym, and worked out pretty hard today. For some reason the elliptical machine felt really hard today. I still did the full workout on it though before moving to strength machines. I also raised the weight on some of those. This is the second week of being back to the gym and some of the machines were getting easy. I think I have really strong lateral muscles (or everyone does) because I have no trouble lifting triple the weight that I usually do on those machines. My arms are the weakest part of me right now, but they are getting stronger!

I am having a great dinner though, I made baked tilapia with a home made sweet chile sauce, steamed jasmine rice. I am serving that with green beans, carrots and pineapple. At some point this week I will post the recipe.

Good night!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Day 2

Today was grocery day! Grocery day is an all day extravaganza. We go every Monday and I spend every Sunday night preparing my lists and my coupons. I do a lot of couponing now. It helps us get more of what we need at a price we can afford. My all time favorite benefit of couponing though is being able to shop at a local grocery store every single week...and not Wal-Mart.

This week was a little different though. Oh, it took the same amount of time and planning and yes I used a lot of coupons but I also took the time to pick out a lot more fruits and vegetables for the week than I have been. I got 5lbs of grape fruit, 4 pounds of oranges, bananas, pears, and red grapes for the week. I also have a lot of frozen fruit for smoothies, and canned fruit (in juice) for cooking and cereal. I really like canned peaches on my Wheaties, just like my grandfather did. I also bought a bag of individually frozen tilapia fillets which is exciting because we are not a big fish family. I figured it was time to try new things.

I was so tired after grocery shopping, but I was smart! I wore my gym clothes to the grocery store. As soon as the car was unloaded I went to the the gym with my gym buddy - who was still waiting for me (more love). So since last Tuesday I have been to the gym 5 times. I think I am going to go every day this week except Friday and Saturday.

This weekend I have a sort of staff getaway for a convention I have been volunteering at for many years. A lot of the people there are pretty good friends and I am really looking forward to it. My husband even took the time off so that we could go early. Now, I wont be going to the gym, but there is a workout room in the hotel so I am taking my gym clothes (and so, incidentally is my workout buddy, we have a pact.) and I am going to try and at least get in the cardio on Friday and Saturday. At least Saturday, because I don't know what Fridays schedule will be like.

Oh! Last thing, my food today? It was awesome! Good night!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Day 1 ..again.

So I have a few minutes here and I wanted to get my entry in for today. I am settled down to start couponing and my husband is doing dishes (love!). When he is done I am going to wipe down the counter tops and table and maybe go over the floors after we feed the animal horde. So I want to get this done while I am thinking about it.

I woke up late today and had to rush so that I could meet my friend for the gym so I ended up not eating before I left the house. I paid for that at first at the gym, but it went away. I got 25 minutes on the elliptical (cross trainer) done and all of my arm strength machines done. I do my arms and legs/core on alternating days so that when I finally make it back up to an hour on the elliptical I will always have something to do between 30 minute segments.

While I was at the gym I was thinking about how stupid I was to have not eaten breakfast before I came out and it hit me. It was a clean slate. Today is Sunday and I could choose to be more aware of my food choices than I have been. When I left the gym and went back to my friends house where other friends were preparing dinner my husband was waiting for me with a small salad. It was just spinach and other veggies with a splash of cheese but it tasted awesome. For dinner I had very small portions, not just because I wanted to but because there were so many people eating. I had half a cup (I didn't measure but Chad made my plate) of rice, a quarter cup of curry and a small piece of tilapia. I was proud of myself but I recognized that I would need to eat again this evening. It wasn't enough food and I would be awake and active for at least 10 more hours! So for actual dinner I had a bowl of vegetable soup with half a serving of crackers. The only thing I can think of today that I maybe should not have had was 3 cookies. I have to admit, I don't feel too guilty about that. I'm going to have some light popcorn too.

When I was talking about shame, I didn't mean to imply that I should have any. I just mean that I do, and I need to let it go. I need to recognize that every single step of this doesn't have to be perfect. Kind of like my having some cookies tonight. Before I would have felt wracked with guilt and all I would be thinking about would be weight gain and how stupid I was for losing control. If weight loss was taking its time I would feel shamed about that too and I kind of want to get past all of that. I don't want a bad day or a few bad days even to shame me into giving up over and over. I want to train myself to roll with the punches so to speak.

In any case, I feel like I am off to a pretty good start. Have a good night guys!

This past year and today.

Despite gaining all of my weight back I can not say it was a completely bad year. Or even a mostly bad one. I am going to quickly bring you guys up to date, and then we can continue from there. Please have patience, this could get pretty lengthy.

My best friend had her baby in January (The pregnancy for which was one of the things that spiraled me into depression pretty big time. That is a story for another day though, I'm in a bit of a different mindset these days and I love my niece Loey very very much.), and my husband and I finally bought a car! A brand new 2011 Kia Forte 5-door...which was totaled in June. A teenage girl ran a stop sign and I hit her pretty hard. Hard enough to fold her drivers side tire under her car (no one was hurt, but it was scary). She was found to be at fault less than 24 hours later and now we have another 2011 Kia Forte 5-door. We really love our car.

I took a really big step for me around late May. I called a dentist and began to have my teeth fixed. My teeth have always been a pretty big self esteem drain. I have never had straight teeth, and as a child I had a lot of work done. When I was 23 I was eating lunch at work and my front tooth basically crumbled into my hand. I have been terrified of dentists for so long that it took me until last year to call! I had a lot of work done, including surgery to remove one of my wisdom teeth, and the fixing of that front tooth. Currently I have an appointment for another surgery on the 2nd to remove an abscessed tooth. I want to keep it but the specialist I saw said he could not guarantee that he could redo the really complicated root canal I had when I was a teenager and that just trying would cost me close to $900. If he failed there would be a second surgery costing me another $500 and none of this includes the crown or guarantees that the tooth wouldn't abscess again in a year or two. So, I am letting it go. It is the first tooth (other than a wisdom tooth) I have ever had pulled and because of how complicated it is I have to see the surgeon again. After that though my teeth should be healthy unless the rest of my wisdom teeth move!

I also had my 6 month cleaning a few days ago and not only do I not have any cavities, but my teeth are in better condition than they were the last time she saw me. For the first time in my life, I love my smile. It has character, and its me.

I lost two of my cats this year. One, Annie was pretty bad off for most of the time we had her. We had nursed her back from the brink more than once before. It was hard to see her go, but we knew it was coming. Then in November Artie fell ill very suddenly. The vet said it was kidney failure. I was away and did not make it home before he died which pretty much wrecked me. He was less than 4 years old and such a silly, vibrant cat. The kind of personality you know is special. I'm tearing up now actually. Sometimes I feel silly because the animals we have are so important to me, but they just are. I love them.

Brightest spot of 2011? My husband. No shock there. He is steady and calm in my ocean of squalling winds and rocky bluffs on the edge of nowhere. I could tell you I love him, but that doesn't even begin to cover or describe the kaleidoscope of feelings I have for him. Love is just the blanket you pull over all of the words. He catches all of my spills and I can only hope that I am half as wonderful to him.

All through out this year I made half hearted attempts and promises to myself to start again. I think that one of the worst things for my journey was moving back home. I don't regret helping my mom, but the environment here is much less conducive to lifestyle change and can keep me stressed pretty tremendously at times (another blog, another day). Not that those are excuses, but I should recognize my weaknesses and learn how to work around them or cope with them.

A friend of mine has been trying to get me to go to the gym pretty regularly with her all year and I have to say, I have been a pretty big flake. She never gave up on me though and for some reason recently it just "clicked" again. Finally, like I needed to wait for those moons and stars to line up again before I could see the light or something. Of course I didn't need to wait so long, but one thing I learned from last time is that until you are ready to commit, you wont. Period. It is a choice. I have to make it every day.

I think I just felt so good after the 3rd day in a row of the gym that I knew that I had been missing something. Losing weight is great, but feeling good about yourself, feeling proactive in your life and about your choices is amazing. My whole body hurt but I felt really right and in tune for the first time in over a year. Call it what you will, fate/God/intuition/self preservation/endorphins, but it was there.

So now I have a gym buddy who is mostly available on my schedule and who is pretty open and honest about her need for motivation. We kinda match. Oh! I switched gyms. I am now going to Planet Fitness. They are less than 10 minutes drive from my house (a block from my gym buddy) and they are open 24 hours a day for most of the week. So that cuts a bunch of my excuses out. I don't have to go far and I can go on my time. They are also a lot cheaper with a lot more equipment. They don't have a pool, but I didn't use the one at the YMCA enough to justify the cost.

Another change I am making is that weekends are no longer off limits to the gym. I will go every day that I can so that when I DO miss a day it wont be as big of a deal.

I have made this entirely too long, but I have so much to say! I want to get back in the habit of daily posting because its good for me and helps keep me accountable.

I think tomorrow I want to talk about shame and the actual number I weigh now. I'm not hiding it, I just don't know it. I haven't weighed myself in months. ..because my scale wouldn't weigh me the last time I got on it...which means I am back to at least 401lbs. This is why I want to talk about shame. I'm going to weigh myself this week. I will be fine at WW after next weekend because they have a larger scale, but I need to put on my big girl panties and look at the number myself.

So here I go.

Friday, January 13, 2012

I can't stop trying just because I've failed.

I'm not making resolutions. They are too freaking easy to break, and I need something that lasts longer than a fad.

So I have gone back to the gym, and I think I am going to keep going back. It's harder this time in a different way. I weigh the same or more than I did last time, but I'm still in a lot better shape this time. How is that even possible? The last time I was at this weight I couldn't do the tread mill for more than 10 minutes on the lowest settings without needing to stop, no exaggeration. Now I am still doing the elliptical for 30 minutes or more. I'm wondering if its giving me the same work out it did before. I am also back to strength training. My muscles hurt, but its nice to feel that way again.

My food is still crap. But I am working that out too. I need to be eating more fruits and veggies again but I have been so lazy! I don't know where this streak the last few months came from but good lord! So I have been writing down all of my thoughts and my plans. I am going back to Weight Watchers the week after Comcon (after next weekend). I will be using their system (meetings and online service) to track my progress again. I will also being using Sparkpeople as a resource this time too.

I am also going to teach myself some stretches (already started) which I did not do last time, AND (this kind of makes me excited) I am going to learn some yoga for fat people. I feel silly saying it like that, but it is what it is. I am fat, and while I don't want to stay that way I am not ashamed of myself. I don't know the right word for how I feel about my failure this last time. I seriously felt like the moon, stars, planets/whatever lined up to help me make that happen. Failing was hard. Harder than all the work I put into losing so much weight in the first place. Maybe I should try and remember that.

I'm not sure what to do about the emotional stuff. I will deal with what I can. I wouldn't mind seeing someone, but I can not afford it right now (or it seems ever, but I know that things can change and this will be a good year for us if we can just get through the property taxes). So right now, I am going to leave this topic laying where it is. I can't help but talk about it, because it's all intertwined into how I feel from day to day or how I handle things, but until something changes I am working with what I have.

One thing I took away from the last time was the experience of myself. I learned a lot about myself. Combined with the past two years, I know more about who I am and who I don't want to be than I ever have before.

So, one foot in front of the other. Life doesn't start over, it just continues.