Day 293

Edited to add this photo. Please ignore my messy house! This was taken on Saturday afternoon (or Friday, my days are a little mixed up right now, I'm tired.). The pants in the photo are a size 32. I used to need a 34, but I don't have any of those left so these are apparently going to be my official weigh in pants! Inside these pants is me, wearing a size 22! Sorry the photo quality isnt that great, I cant find my camera so this was taken with my phone.

So I was feeling really discouraged this morning. I weighed in at my meeting and the scale there said I gained 1.4lbs. I have to say that I was shocked this time. I worked my butt off this week. Seriously. My food was lacking, I'll admit, but I didn't go over and I had a surplus of extra points and activity points that I didn't use.

I was really, really discouraged this morning...then I thought about it. My weight has been fluctuating downward slowly over the last few months and that has been putting a cramp in my step, and making me really second guess myself...which is honestly making me crazy. I've never lost this much weight before ever, and so I'm not always sure what to expect next. I'm not sure if this is normal. I will say that despite the numbers not being what I wanted in the last month or so I have dropped from a size 26 to a size 22. Besides that, I kinda have a feeling that the scale was wrong. I don't have a meeting next Sunday because of the holiday but I think after that I'm going to show a nice loss. I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning to get a base weight on my scale and then try very hard not to do it again until the next meeting. I will have faith in the process.

Not all in my life is peachy, its getting complicated again. My motivation is back, and pretty intensely too! I don't want to be all negative here, but sometimes I feel like the bad has to be talked about too in order to cope. So...the bed bugs are not gone as we thought and I know it's just me but they freak me out so badly that I am having trouble sleeping...pretty much at all. That is killing me. I'm so tired sometimes that I'm useless. I need to step up the workouts a little but I'm feeling exhausted at the moment. Never doubt the emotional toll of something like this ever.

These aren't excuses! I don't feel like I need them. I am 88 lbs down, and a size 22, down from a 34. This has been a hard year for me, and for my family but you know... I am persevering.

Today:
1 regular roll: 3
1 serving lunch meat: 2
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving lettuce: 0
1 serving tomato: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving peppers: 0
1 serving sunchips: 3
1/2 serving dirty rice cass.: 6
1 serving light mayo: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 light wrap: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
2 servings salsa: 0
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving ww pasta: 3
1 serving pasta sauce w/veggies: 4
1 yogurt: 2
2 servings beef and vegetable stew: 11
38/38 + 4/31

My points turn over tomorrow. Next week I pull my turnover day back to Sunday so that everything is the same. Weigh in and points reset day.

Day 258

Do you ever get tired of telling every one that you are having a bad time of it? I certainly do. I feel this intense need to tell everyone about this week because I really feel shaken a little bit. Okay, maybe more than that. You know how when you are doing something as life changing as losing weight you sometimes learn some things about yourself. Sometimes they hurt, but sometimes they are also helpful. I'm not sure how much I should dwell on this past week. I know I let myself lose my footing pretty bad this week. I'm going to talk about it

A close friend of mine recently discovered that she was pregnant, and I kinda broke down. It isn't anyones fault, especially not hers. I know that I am on the right path, and that I am doing this the way that I need to. Its just really hard to wait, and work so hard and not know what the outcome is going to be. I can't control fate/God/mother nature. I can only control my actions, and my choices. I just never expect this particular issue to hit me so hard. It knocked the wind out of me. I felt and still feel a little like I am grieving for something. It isn't all bad to be so sorely tried though. You learn your strengths.

My cat being sick is stressing me the most right now. He has a blockage in his urinary tract, This is only the 2nd time it has ever happened, and the first time was over 5 years ago. The first time it happened it was pretty bad. I took him to the emergency vet in the middle of the night and for a few days they wouldn't tell me if he was going to live or not. They kept him for 9 days that time. This time though my regular vet says the prognosis is good, and that hopefully I will be able to take him home by Monday. The money is stressing me out here too, but I would make the same choice over and over.

The rest of it, the cars the possible bed bugs, the stolen bank card and my husbands absolutely last minute trip out of state are just things that either keep me up at night (bedbugs) or make me really really frustrated, and sometimes (I'm not so ashamed to say) angry.

I had a really great Saturday though. A friend of mine wanted to go to the zoo for her birthday. It was the Baltimore Zoo and not the DC Zoo (which is much bigger), but I walked the whole think with friends, and kept up without getting winded or to tired or pained. I was so proud of myself that I could have exploded into shards of sunshine. My reward? A sunburn!

I did not go to my meeting as there was no one to take me. I could have asked a friend, but this is the same friend who is dealing with just finding out she is pregnant and who took me grocery shopping. I just didn't want to impose too much.

Today is another day, and the journey goes on. Hopefully I wont being dragging behind this week! Hopefully tomorrow something will give...like getting my cat back and some of the constant stress I am feeling will lift. So don't worry too much about me. After all these years there isn't any "give up" left in me for this. All I've got left is "go".

Now it is 4:30am and I am still waiting for my husband to get home. See you tomorrow.

Day 232

I did not go to the gym today in order to take someone to visit a dying loved one. It wasn't planned, and honestly? You cant plan for those things.

I have an appointment in the evening tomorrow so my goal is to get to the gym in the early after noon and go to my appointment sweaty! Oh yeah. But I need to get there.

I started my self re-evaluations today. Number one: I am seriously stressing about something I haven't yet narrowed down. Yeah, I know I always stress, but it doesn't generally keep my from sleeping and recently I've found myself fighting old habits...like I somehow found myself standing in front of the fridge doors open, looking intently inside before I woke up. I used to do that when I was distracted by stress. Food would distract me from it. So I need a way to distract myself from this stress while it works itself out. Two: I seriously need to revisit measuring everything. I don't mean cups and such, I do that generally anyway, but I've gotten lax about the little measurements. Mayo, spices, sauces etc. They count too. And three: I need to go to the gym whether I feel like it or not. Yeah, sometimes life is going to get in the way, but I find myself making excuses more often than I'd like. It doesn't help that I have been feeling less than 100 percent for quite a while now. I feel like this is connected either to changing hormones or stress. Again, I do have a physical coming up. I really need to get to writing down all of the things I wanted to talk to my doctor about.

I also still need to get better about tracking consistently again. It helps me more than I can express and I definitely lose more when I do. No downside, so just do it Ruby!

Ah, the never ending emotional and physical spiral of a weight loss journey. I'm confident about making it to the finish line, but I have a feeling that I am going to be fighting my way there.

Sorry for the short post guys! I am exhausted!

Today:
1 1/2 servings chicken pot pie: 11
1 veg burger: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 bag frozen veggies turned into quick veggie curry: 5
1 serving chips: 4
1 banana: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving hamburger soup: 7
1 slice cheese: 1
1 fruit bar: 2
40/40 + 1/35

Day 230, 231

So after this post, posts will go back to being once a day again for the most part.

On Sunday at weigh in I gained 0.2lbs. I think the party on Saturday and the sodium involved had a bunch to do with it, and I could complain and shake my fist but honestly? It wasn't a great week. I had a really hard time motivating myself to go to the gym and work out, and then my sleep went haywire. I was finally able to sleep last night. I do not know what kept me awake for so long. It could be stress (like everything else is), but it hasn't ever happened like that before. I had this pain in my neck and one shoulder and I couldn't get comfortable and then my brain just. would. not. shut. up. I'm hoping that this was an isolated event and that it wont happen again. Not sleeping was horrible, I felt like a zombie, numb but mobile somehow. I took today off too (just from the gym) to get myself back together after being a head case for 3 days.

I think I am still having some trouble with getting back onto the groove of everything here. I keep losing my focus in day to day life. I think I need to go back to my rules, or perhaps re-evaluate them. Our meeting this week was about what was keeping us from success and I have been thinking a lot about that. My environment is not it. I think my environment is pretty conducive to my diet, especially now that I've moved. Some of it is my friends, but not all of them. I have trouble saying no, and some of them have trouble accepting or dealing with what I am trying to do. My time management and planning have something to do with it too. I end up late or I end up running out of time (like on Thursdays) and I never plan for a successful outcome. These are some of the things the WW booklet mentions, but honestly? Its me. I am the one who has trouble saying no, and budgeting my time. I never thought I was the kind of girl who gives in to social pressure (Never tried smoking, never done any drugs not even experimenting, and I don't really drink.), I don't even take a lot of tylenol. Food though? It has this hold on my feelings and emotions. It's connected to my sense of comfort and belonging and even love. That is pretty powerful. I'm in wonder of those people (and there are some!) who can make this long journey without addressing their psyche.

So for those of you who are new here or just new to this blog: Am I failing because I maintained/gained this week? No way! I am still over 83lbs down! Like I said before, a stumble or failure doesn't have to be the end. It is an inevitable part of a very long journey, and this wasn't even a stumble. Some of you are reading me now for motivation, so I wanted to say if you take anything from my blog I want it to be the ability to just keep going! It takes 6-8 weeks to make something a habit and so much less time to screw that back up. Most of us give up before we can even get into the groove which may not be that much easier, but it so worth it. We get paid for our results. We get to live and breathe a little longer and little more comfortably.

I have discovered (just now it hit me) that my biggest problem is that I have put a time limit on how long I want it to take me to lose weight. I gave myself 2 years. I'll be 28/29 and I want to have children so I gave myself this mental finish line. My body does what it has to and I lose weight at the speed of my commitment which isn't going to be the same every day. I'm human you know? I want to get it off in two years, but honestly? I still have a long road to travel and the idea that I'm setting myself back time wise every time I don't lose weight is making me crazy. So: No more time crunch. I still want the weight off fast, but more than that I just want it off. Wow, what a random epiphany.

I'm going to come back strong this week. I feel like a woman on a mission here. I will lose more weight!

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I did not go to the gym enough this week, but I did go twice.
2. I did pretty well again this week, but I took Sunday off food and exercise wise as I was pretty much dead to the world and needed the break from thinking...about anything.
3. I went to my meeting! I've hit every one since the start of the challenge breaking a streak of missing them pretty often!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 9 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I like that suddenly I have motivation and dreams again! Before my only dream (the only one I had left after gaining so much weight killed the rest) was to have children...then the weight killed that dream too. So I struck out at it in what I felt like was the last time I might even ever try. I had pretty much had it with everything at that moment. I started gaining ground and losing weight and suddenly I started feeling like there were more possibilities in my life. I feel like I have more open outcomes than I ever have before. It feels freeing, and that's what I'm after: Being free.

Today:
1 serving pasta: 3
1 serving veg sauce: 2
second serving: 6
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1 tbsp olive oil: 3
1 serving black bean sauce: 2
1 fruit bar: 2
1 serving fruit snack: 3
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 serving chicken pot pie: 7
1 yogurt: 2
1 (later) serving chicken pot pie: 7
40/40

Day 211

I had a strange day. I woke up feeling not so with it (it is HOT in Baltimore right now, it will be 90 degrees tomorrow.) and my leg was kinda hurting at the hip (joint?). I went through my chores, took a shower and got dressed for the gym. Then once at the gym, I lost my mind! I felt so much anxiety that I could not make myself get out of the car. I drove out of the parking lot, and went to get a diet soda. Then, with the help of my mom we tried talking about my issue. I just don't know what it is! Yes, the gym makes me feel self conscious. Yes, sometimes my workouts are really hard (for me). Yes, sometimes I am so tired after the gym that making dinner is hard work. These things don't feel like the thing that is making me anxious though! I wish I could nail it down! I have spent weeks like this now! It's frustrating. I sat in the car and cried. I felt overwhelmed. I wanted to go home and I wanted to go work out. After caffeine and tears I dragged myself back to the gym and into the workout room. Maybe it's the changing seasons and the added heat and humidity along with my normal anxiety level? I was miserably hot today, we don't have central ac where we live now.

Today was cardio only, so I grabbed an elliptical. After 30 minutes my leg still hurt (its weird, its like an internal "clicking" feeling at the joint), it didn't hurt more, but it made the movement on the elliptical machine pretty uncomfortable. I talked to the trainer and he told me that maybe I needed more time in between sessions on the elliptical, and that I should try soaking after my workouts. So I stopped at 30 minutes today, and he told me that I should push for another 60 tomorrow.

All in all the day went and ended well. I had a great food day, and I still took my sorry butt into that gym. It's really hard for me when it gets hot like this. I feel like I can not function. I really hope as I get lighter that it gets easier to deal with.

Today:
1 serving rice pilaf: 6
2 servings mixed veggies: 0
1 tbsp sauce: 1
1 lean cuisine: 6
1 yogurt: 2
1 can soup: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving chips: 3
1 serving inside out egg roll: 1
1 serving sticky rice: 4
1 cup fruit salad: 2
32

I am currently at 8 servings of fruits and veggies for the day. I need one more, so I will probably have another serving of the egg roll. I am discovering that I need to lay off of the sodium. I need to keep an eye on that.

Day 205

I did an hour on the elliptical today, plus my circuit, and then walked the track.

Yeah, so I needed to get the good out of the way before I launched into the rest of this post. Go get your low fat popcorn, its going to be a long one.

I realized something today. I have not been giving it my all these last two weeks or so. I have been over eating (even if I am not going over my points), over indulging in things I shouldn't be, and making excuses for why I'm cutting my activity down. They are excuses even if they are only to myself. I'm not drinking enough water, I am being incredibly lax, I'm logging my food with much inconsistency and I feel like I am backsliding. I mean, really, I am backsliding...no feelings involved. Except there are. I feel miserable and gross. I feel like I'm suddenly keeping secrets from myself...self sabotage! Self sabotage as I have talked about before is an old enemy of mine. I do not have any clue why, when I am feeling so great about everything going on, I would want to fall face down in the mud again. I caught myself at lunch today (when I had my realization, or mini epiphany if you will) eating something that I knew wasn't worth the points or the heartache frankly. I was staring down at this plate of food and my first thought was "Who cares?" I do! I care! It was enough to make me stop eating. It was like that plate was suddenly my mirror and I did not want to be what was on that plate. In like 5 minutes or less I had this little mental skirmish in my head that has turned into an all day all out war. We have covered these things! Do my mistakes make me worthless? No. Do mistakes make this journey null and void? Not a chance. Do I want to eat that? Yes-What? No!

Yesterday I had the sneaking suspicion that something was off with me. I felt a little different. Not quite as good as usual. I remembered Retta telling me that there would be days I felt it, and days I did not. BOY was she right. I do not feel it right now. I feel the pull to rely on food for comfort and solace. I think I am a really strong person sometimes. I think I am rational and smart and thoughtful...but sometimes my actions don't quite reflect that. I used to tell people that I was not an emotional eater, that I ate when I was bored. I am here to tell you that from where I am sitting they are the same thing. I ate when I was bored because that was the time when I had to deal with those emotions and as much as I hate the fact, the fact was food was/is numbing. I didn't have to deal with being fat for example, as long as I could just be fat. Sitting there at lunch today though I could not figure out what my issue was though. What am I currently dealing with that is overwhelming me and making me too freaking lazy to save my own life (Because despite how you feel about your journey, that is the bottom line for me. I want to live. Not just exist.)? It's kinda scary to not know. I mean I could point out any number of things, but I cant pinpoint something. I thought about that all day until I realized that it just doesn't matter. I know what I am supposed to be doing. I have support, and a plan, and motivation. I have to stop letting the bad get in and confuse my foot steps.

So my decision is this: There is no way in the world that I am quitting. So I am going to do what has worked for me before, I am going back to basics. I am going to weigh everything again. I am going to track on paper, and put reminders on the refrigerator. I'm not going to allow myself cheats/indulgences/days off because I can't handle the whip lash from them right now. I am going to stop making excuses for why I cant go to the gym, or out to walk. I mean come on Ruby, you just did an hour on the same elliptical that you had convinced yourself you could only do 30 minutes on. I feel like the war was won with the elliptical. I was standing there in the gym staring down the horrible machine thinking about how much I didn't want to get on it, and then suddenly I just did. When 15 minutes had passed, I made myself do 15 more. Then after my circuit I was telling myself that 15 more minutes would be fine, and then 15 passed and on we went. I'm not saying that its easy. No way! I kick my own butt on that machine, but its worth it, and I felt so good afterward. Not so heavy, low or damaged. Maybe I'm going to need to keep exercising to stave off the bad? I find that the further I get into the journey the harder it gets. The routine gets easy but rediscovering who you are, good and bad, just keeps the same tempo. I'm going to take my steps back one by one until I am on track again.

What do you do when you feel like you are losing your grasp on something you have poured so much of your heart and soul into? My guess is that you pour in more. So I will.

Honestly is better than a verbal butt kicking. It makes me face the issue.

Alright, so a little bit more of the good? Despite my horrible eating today I did in fact get in all of my veggies (each serving of my stew is 3 servings of veggies).

Today:
1/2 cup rice: 2
1 cup orange chicken: 10
1 cup broccoli: 0
1/2 cup peaches: 1
2 inch piece of roast sand: 5
3/4 cup ice cream: 4
misc bites: 6
1 serving stew:
5 hours later 2nd serving stew (it has been a busy day): 4
1 serving cheese: 2
1 orange: 1
39/41

Day 193

One line of TMI: I just took an active pill! The week of bad will in fact end!

Today was a little busy and a little sad. It was busy because I had so many errands to run, and it was sad because I decided to back out of a regular social appointment that I had been looking forward to. It isn't karaoke! No, but it was on Sundays at 4pm which is just bad timing for me. Sundays are weigh in days, and grocery shopping days for me. In fact most of the time I'm not even finished with grocery shopping until well after 4pm, and I am always overtired that day because I get up so much earlier than usual. We would be playing an ongoing game, which people needing to miss sessions for would be rather irritating and I don't want to be that person! I'm trying to lower my stress levels right? So I'm giving up this outing for quiet evenings home with my husband which I don't get enough of anyway. I was seriously giving myself another case of hives over disappointing people on this one, which was when I knew I needed to make this choice. So maybe not sad, bittersweet perhaps? I don't see my friends enough.

On the plus side though now that the week of bad is actually ending I feel really excited about getting back to exercising. Now that the weather is breaking some I could even go back to the track instead of doing all of my cardio on the treadmill! Being outside is much more interesting, but the workout is harder. I really need to get back to the grind! When I think about it I get this feeling like my body craves it. How nuts is that? A year ago I'd have said my body feared exercise!

Today:
1 cup cereal: 2
1/2 milk: 1
1/6 bubble up pizza casserole: 10
1 can soup: 7
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving cheese: 2
1 pudding cup: 1
1 serving spaghetti: 3
1 serving sauce: 1
1 100 calorie pretzel pack: 2
2nd serving pasta with sauce: 5
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
37

I made an amazing (tasty and low point) pasta sauce (Cheat not exactly from scratch!! Semi homemade?) using:

1lb 93/7 ground turkey
2 cans Hunts (or other 1 point per 1/2 cup sauce)
1lb frozen pepper strips
1 cup canned drained mushrooms
30 oz canned diced tomatoes
1 large onion sliced thinly
Minced garlic
Any spices you love, I used salt, pepper, and red pepper as the pasta sauce already has seasoning in it.

Brown the turkey and onions together, add everything else and let it simmer for an hour or more.

My batch made 19 servings at 1/2 cup and 1 point a piece. Nice. Now I have a low point chunky tomato sauce for anything else I make next week!

Day 167

Okay today was much more productive. I feel like I am being proactive again. I went grocery shopping with diet in mind and ate well today. I also have definite plans to go to the gym tomorrow night.

This week is going to be all about getting back into the swing of things and doing it while life is spinning crazily around me. I know these are supposed to be life habits and changes and so I need to get used to having my diet be my "normal" food response even when stressed or challenged.

I have spent the last few days reaffirming my goals and my NSV's and I feel like I am recharging a bit. This is how I know I have the right goals for me, they are pushing me in the right direction instead of making me feel oppressed or trapped.

Today:
1 baked potato with cheese and chili instead of a separate chili: 8
w/ light sour cream: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
3oz leftover lean steak: 4
1 slice american cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 2
1 bite ice cream -1
1 homemade skillet steak fajita with peppers and onions: 7
w light sour cream: 1
1 serving steamed carrots: 0
1 bag popcorn: 5
Another fajita w/sour cream: 8
1 cup roasted butter nut squash: 3
42/42

7 servings of veggies today along with a recipe that desperately needs to be posted tomorrow afternoon. I have a few more coming including a recipe for Indian Spiced Cauliflower and Potatoes which I will be trying tomorrow night! Getting back into cooking new things helps me to feel more passionate about diet parade too. I really think I am feeling better and I am so sorry to drag you all through what just might be a midst of a case of seasonal depression. Wish me luck!

Here I go again, forever.

Day 163

I am coming back slowly here. I have been floating listlessly around this week. I am starting to feel better I think. I haven't been off (again) but I haven't been trying very hard. I read once that a lot of the people who start a weight loss blog fall off the radar in short time. I dont want to be one of those people, but I do understand them. I understand life being overwhelming. I understand there being more to think about than how many points my dinner is going to be. I understand being stressed and needing to give this a back burner, but I don't understand not wanting this more than anything else ever. So for what its worth, I am not going to fade away. I will keep this up even if my coverage here is spotty (which I hope it isn't). Like I have said before I dont always know what to say, but I think I can just keep saying what I feel.

We have a bill for over $1400 dollars that is due in 9 days, we are moving in 18 days, and our car is giving us trouble. I do feel overwhelmed and stressed. This isn't an excuse to eat the wrong things, but it does leave me looking for that crutch I'm trying so desperately to walk without. I have said it time and time again but I don't think people who aren't trying to lose weight understand: This is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. It isn't about "just not eating", it isn't that simple. I feel like a plant struggling for life because of the weeds that have grown into my roots. I'm fighting to separate myself from this thing that has become an intricate, almost connatural part of me. The emotions that go along with splitting from this part of myself are intense and real and sometimes physical.

I am not perfect, nor do I wish to be. I'm here, in both good and bad times to help myself heal, and to promote growth. This has been my anchor whenever I felt like I was drifting away. I felt like I needed to come back here.

Time to catch up with the parade.

Today:
Sushi: 12
1 cup vegetable stirfry: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 1/4 cup bran flakes: 3
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 meatball sandwich (home made): 9
1 serving green beans: 0
1 (homemade) quesadilla: 5
1 serving ice cream: 3
42/42

Day 152-155

Picture #1: my street, with actual freaking snow dunes.
Picture #2: my room mates husband shoveling
Picture#3: my husband posing in the snow with our oldest doggie, Shadow.

So Baltimore is currently experiencing the worst winter its had in what appears to be over 100 years. I have been (for all intents and purposes) snowed in since last Friday. Diet parade isn't going so strong right now. I'm not off or quitting, but seriously? Life itself has sort of come to a halt. We have been playing board games and watching movies and shoveling and shoveling and shoveling.

We are supposed to be getting more snow on Monday.

What I want is for the roads to be clear enough for me to get to the gym, and OUT of the house for something OTHER than the grocery store.

More later, don't give up on me, I haven't given up either!

Day 139

Some of you have commented to me that I shouldn't give up and honestly I'm not worried about that at all right now. I'm not giving up. My posts have been coming late because I am having a lot of trouble sleeping, so I have been going to bed on time and trying to sleep when I can. I dont think it is serious or anything. I said I was retaining water so I started to go into over kill on my water intake which wakes me up to use the bathroom every 2 hours. I'm also sure that the stress of moving in a little over 4 weeks has a lot to do with it.

Just a little edit: I also dont want people to think I get to make excuses for why I gained weight. The fact of the matter is, I was retaining water. I'm not saying that this is the only reason for a 1.2lb gain. No, it wasnt. I didn't exercise enough and my eating was unbalanced. I was eating too many starches and not enough vegetables and I was certainly not drinking enough water. Retaining water is a huge side effect of a bad diet for me, and has been since I was 16 (the first time I was told I had high blood pressure, which I no longer do). I can usually tell when I am doing well because I don't wake up swollen. Water retention is a check point for me that reminds me that I'm wavering on the wrong side of the road.

Something that I have learned from reading everyone's blogs is that no one walks this journey the exact same way. One person may low carb it while another does calorie counting, another may just do portion control and exercise. We all do it differently, but we all manage to experience some of the same troubles. Don't let someone else get you down based on a mistake you make or an off day or even week. Stick with it and be honest and good to yourself. You are the only one you need to prove anything to. I'm trying to practice these things myself.

In any case the posts this week might be a little short until Friday, when hopefully things will get back to normal.

Today:
1 1/2 cups bran flakes: 4
1 cup skim milk: 2
5 oz spaghetti: 4
1 1/8 cups pasta sauce: 4
3 cups sauted broccoli with spicy sauce: 5
1 sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 cup rotini: 4
1 cup 2 point chili: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving ice cream: 3
1 serving crackers: 2
1 cup rotini: 4
1 cup 2 pt chili: 2
43/43

The chili is heavily laden with vegetables, and was terribly good. I am going to have to make it again and post the recipe.

Day 100

Today is Day 100! I am now celebrating the strongest commitment to weight loss that I have ever made. I made my first weight loss post here in August of this year. I called it Day Zero. I felt inspired by other bloggers and needed a support group that wasn't so involved in my day to day life. I had been hopeless, I had given up. I said I felt like a sapling planted in red clay. My body wasn't responding to any of my needs let alone wants. I couldn't aspire to anything. I was depleted of spirit. Even when I was trying, an off day was enough to make me give up. I think I had just finally had it. I needed a break from the mentality I was in, and I needed to find something that would make me want to hold on for dear life through those stumbles that I knew were going to come around eventually. Day 1 didn't happen until a month later when on a whim I decided to try Weight Watchers with my room mates. It was a golden opportunity, as it is very hard to be the only person dieting in a house of 6 people. By day 2 I knew I wanted to go to actual meetings. I struggled a bit at first with some of the new techniques involved with WW but eventually found that the program really works for me. I started exercising and before the 1st week was out, I had made it to the gym.

I found myself being incredibly honest about myself and some of the very personal aspects of weighing 417lbs, and instead of being embarrassed I found myself enlightened. My sense of self started to change and with it so did some of the aspects of this journey to lose 252lbs. I started feeling that sense of hope as the pounds and inches started coming off and the non scale victories came to the surface. Is everything easy now? No, but I am building habits that are making it easier to cope with and easier to succeed. The biggest change is that more than ever before, I actually want to make it to maintenance.

By the end of week two I had suffered a terrible loss. My grandfather who essentially raised me, passed away very suddenly. I actually do not know how I found the strength to contend with this journey, and that loss at the same time. I felt, and still feel very broken by it, and there is a part of me that I'm sure always will. I did continue though. By Sunday December 6th I had lost 44.2lbs, in just 13 weeks (Not counting the week before I started meetings when I didn't know what I weighed, and not counting this week as it was a different scale.). I have gone from someone who should have been in a size 34 to someone who can now take off their size 28's without unbuttoning them. I have gone from the woman on the bench to the woman coming in from behind. I'm still the underdog, but it's my show now! I feel better, and I feel different, and I feel like I am on the right path. I made a goal of 20-25 lbs lost by January 1st of this year and depending on this Sunday coming I really believe I am going to make it, on that day I won't celebrate with food though, as I have so often in the past. No, I am going to celebrate by setting another short term goal.

I know this is all long and disorganized but the over all journey has been an education to say the least. I am learning things about myself and the people around me. I'm learning that the world is different when you are losing weight or have lost weight. I've learned that I'm not worthless, or ugly even though sometimes I still struggle with wanting to believe that I believe because it's easier. I'm learning that self control and moderation are in fact well woven with the core meaning of learning to love myself. I have learned that my current limitations are temporary, and that I can beat them. I am learning that I don't need anyone else to do this with me. I gained 252 pounds all by myself, and while company along the way is welcome and even wished for I am learning that not having that isn't a reason to give up. I have learned that even just a little loss is enough, and that a mistep isnt failure and no reason to jump ship. I will win the whole war this time, mark my words. Even if I from here on out the battles become prolonged, I'm going to kick ass out there on the field in every single one. I am learning what it takes to actually be free, and the thing that makes me want to hold on for dear life through even the worst of times? Me.

I'm celebrating today, but the real deal comes tomorrow. I made it to the milestone, now back to the grind. The parade moves on!

Today has been better. I did get more points in, and healthier points I believe. I also tried making dinner. Thank goodness a roommate was around. Not only is my stomach still in painful revolt, but the smell of the food was bringing me pretty close to wretching. Tomorrow the goal is, get up, try it again, and laundry. I'd like to get to the gym, but I'm pretty sure that I really hurt my stomach muscles (as they are so very sore, sleeping on my belly was NOT an option until this afternoon) with coughing and mostly with trying so very frantically to pass that trapped gas on Saturday and Sunday. I'm trying to keep it light and easy right now. I'm getting better finally thought! I'm so excited I could cry for joy!

Today:
1 large salad (spinach, broc, caulif, pickles, carrots, 1/2 egg, jalapenos, bell peppers, chick peas, tomatoes, salad top, and 1 serving light ranch): 5
1 can soup: 7
1 serving light american cheese: 2
1 serving ched rice crisps: 2
1 1/2 cups cooked spaghetti: 6
1 cup homemade sauce: 6
Later smaller serving:
1 cup spaghetti: 4
1/2 cup sauce: 3
1 serving light american cheese: 2
1 yogurt: 2
Total for the Day: 39/43!

I'm only 4 off despite another bad stomach day!

Day 93

Another long one, kinda disorganized and mostly about the state of things.

Today was a lot of fun. I was setting up the party from 1pm until 7ish when it started and it didn't end until almost midnight. The hubby and I walked after dinner though. I tried interval jogging. I am so not ready yet, but perhaps if I keep it up. I warmed up a bit first with just walking and then I tried jogging. I might have lasted 30 seconds. Now to be fair to me, I was jogging up hill and it is like 20 degrees outside with the windchill. At first I wasn't feeling bad at all, but then I had to stop. There just wasn't an in between (you know, okay - - - not okay), and I was so uncomfortable afterward that I only made it another 20 minutes just walking. I told you I wasn't going to kill myself, I was just having trouble getting my breath, my lungs hurt, and lets be honest: I weigh 373lbs. I was, if only for 30 seconds, jogging, uphill. Yeah, I'm super proud that I even tried and super disappointed that I couldn't do more. I think I am going to take it more slowly now that I know where my bar stands. I am going to try some faster walking, or power walking.

Now this is all outside of the gym because the fact of the matter is I need to go back. No matter what I do outside of the gym nothing makes me feel better than completing my circuit and getting through a week with a ton of cardio under my belt. I've been letting myself down, and I feel the need to clarify that statement: This isn't guilt. It's a mixture of anxiety about the feeling that I could be this size, health, and fitness level forever. It's about letting myself down and knowing I could have done more. I don't feel that it is the same thing. I don't feel beat down by it, I feel empowered. I know my weakness. I'm facing it now. These are the moments that will make or break me. The truth is that I quit things, a lot. I always have, and diets or lifestyle changes or shifts or whatever you want to call it, are the worst. I can think of a million things I would rather do than count points, or eat another salad or walk for over an hour at the gym. I can think of so many nights where I wanted to just eat some pizza or some chinese or something that I could eat a ton of and not have to think about. Food has been my comfort for so long. There have have been so many attempts and plans and none of them have actually addressed my issues. I'm now being forced to address them because of portion control. I am dealing with some extreme emotions and mental barriers here that are so strongly connected to food and portion control specifically. I have said things akin to this before, but I really don't believe there will ever come a day when I will be completely free from this. A big part of it is personality, I'm lazy and I hate confrontation (and after missing so much gym time that's what going back feel like for me, confrontation.). The rest of this could be a large mix, genetics, environment, and PCOS. We talked about it at the last WW meeting, but I do not see the scale or the meeting as a punishment as some members there do. I see it as a measuring stick sure (and yeah I know also to use measurements, but when 25+ people are weighing in in the space of 25 minutes for a 45 minute meeting taking measurements on each one as a form of tracking at said meeting is just a bad idea), but I also see it as a small victory. Even when I dread it, it isn't because I feel guilty about my week, its because I havent believed in myself. It's because I have to face the results of my actions very directly and specifically and my self image and worth (as you know by now) are so very connected to those numbers. Not because someone else gets to see them, I don't care if people know what I weigh, I used to though. I have anxiety because I get to see them. Anxiety may be a bad word to use also, stress would be a better descriptor. The thing is though, even after not such a great week or even a great one I feel so much relief. I haven't quit. One more day, one more week one more hour. I can go just another day. My accountability is to myself and not a group of ww members or my household or my friends. Though perhaps it is also to my husband. The food and points and exercise are all working for me. The problem is me, and my constant and relentless effort to undermine and commit self sabotage. I just have to get through it, and I know it wont be the last time I have to face myself in the mirror this way. I have given in so many times before, and I honestly think that maybe the larger part of the pie that is me wants to stick it out this time. Around me people are falling off and on and off and on, and I have to admit that this makes it so much harder, because the support structure is changing. People are no less supportive of my actual effort, but since their effort has changed I am finding that I have to make hard choices more often. It's all a test I suppose, and I'll pass. I'm sure everyone gets tired of hearing it but I really am working on the inside. I feel like for years and years I've been patching a leak in an over burdened pipe and now suddenly I've decided to actually repair it and I am dealing with a flood now. I weighed 417lbs. There is a lot of mess to wade through, and I'm not sure I can shield everyone from it, or hide the process so to speak.

I just want to keep moving forward, and I'm struggling right now. It is Day 93, and the longest I have ever stuck with anything like this, ever.

My goal for right now is to get back to the gym. One step at a time to get out of the tangle I'm in.

Today:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
2 servings white chicken chili: 15
10 meatballs: 20
2 dessert strawberries: 4
1 serving doritos: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 8/30

Day 92

Today was a total bust. I was busy all day today until 5 or 6 and I got very little done while I was gone and so need to go back and do what I was doing yesterday all day tomorrow while getting ready for a party. By the time I finally got around to exercising it was sleeting outside, so no to that. I am going to do a video before bed and not beat myself up about it. I am going to try for the next few weeks to try not to let my expectations of myself get me all worked up. The fact of the matter is that I am in fact losing weight, and while I really do need to exercise I also need to take care of myself physically and mentally.

Oh the bright side I think I am going to try jogging. Wait. Don't yell at me yet. I dont mean full out running and I am not trying to hurt or punish myself or anything. I am pushing myself. I want to try interval jogging. Like 5 to 10 minutes of walking to warm up and a minute or two of jogging to start, rinse and repeat. I haven't jogged in years, but I actually feel capable right now. I catch myself every now and then jogging in the store or to the car. Nothing extravagant, but I think I am ready to try. Not on the treadmill though. Don't worry though, I'll be careful.

Since I have to take the car tomorrow anyway (we have been trying to go really easy on her since she was fixed so I haven't had access to her for a while) I am determined to go to the gym by myself. I can go through a circuit and some cardio and then maybe the day after it wont be so hard to get myself motivated. I really need to get back into the habit.

Also, off topic completely, can I just say that I love this season so very much!

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
3 pieces gyoza: 3
Sushi: 15
1 can soup: 3
2 slices cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice cakes: 2
1 banana: 2
1 ww yogurt: 1
1 serving white chicken chili: 7
1 cup ice cream: 5
1 bag popcorn: 5
Total for the Day: 44/44 and 5/35

Day 86

Just a short post tonight as it's actually pretty close to bedtime here.

I've been struggling this week, with so many different issues. A little laziness, a little depression and anxiety. I want to apologize for how down I have been. I've really been thinking through my issues and I still feel positive about this journey. I haven't lapsed back into old habits, and I don't plan to. I am changing, inside and out, and that is hard. It takes its toll emotionally and physically. I'm learning how to deal with that at the same time that I am dealing with life. It isn't supposed it be easy! That is what I keep telling myself. These past 86 days I have been raw and honest and ashamed and proud and awakened. Losing weight is more than just physically hard. This week I have been thinking so much about my expectations of myself at a healthy weight. I have so much fear about that, and it's so far off. Or maybe not, who knows how long it is going to take. I never thought that I would be afraid of being thin, but I am. Once I lose this weight I cant blame anything on being "fat" anymore. Infertility, laziness (which I always knew was personality based in any case...), self image, and so much more. I'm sure that there will be things that I have to face and untangle for myself. Perhaps many of my issues will be alleviated, but if they arent I haven't quite figured out what to do next. I'm looking too far down the possible paths I think. However, on a positive note, I said "once I lose" and not "if". I'm getting there.

Today:
1 small salad; 3
1 can soup: 7
1 sandwich thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 bagel: 2
1 serving fat free cheese: 1
1 serving pizza sauce: 1
1 banana: 2
4oz chicken: 4
1 large serving steamed veggies: 0
1 serving stovetop: 4
1 serving honey mustard: 1
1 cup ice cream: 5
popcorn: 5
1 yogurt: 2
Total for the Day: 43/44
Leftover: 1

Day 81

This is going to be long and a little disorganized.

Yesterday was wonderful, but oh so long. I did go over my daily points, but I planned for that (or rather expected to) and had all of my weekly points to spare. Today was not so great. I didn't get a chance to eat until around 5pm and that ended up being a yogurt. I took care of my points later, but I didn't really binge on them which is also a step in the correct direction.

I'm pretty proud of myself for yesterday. I didn't kill myself over it, but I kept my diet and my points in mind all day. I also busted my butt all day yesterday and the day before, so honestly even without a gym I know I was burning calories. Today I am still completely exhausted and moody (which happens when I'm overtired.). We are pretty much out of groceries here because I manged to bring nothing home from Thanksgiving! I am pretty excited about that. I was able for once to just let it all go. It didn't matter more to me than feeling better for once in my life. This week has been crazy, and I'm sure I wont make a great showing (or any showing maybe) on Sunday when I get on that scale, but as of right now I have defeated Thanksgiving. I'm past the hump and still on parade. I managed to indulge and not crash my marching band into a tar pit. However, that still means we have no real food here. My husband (who is currently stringing lights onto a Christmas tree) took me out to dinner tonight for sushi. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get around to surveying the cupboards and making a grocery list.

I don't know how many of you (out of anyone who reads or ever will read this) feel like you can't get a hold on your diet or lifestyle change after something like Thanksgiving, but I'm sure there are a few of you. I'm saying this as much for myself as any of you: First, breathe. When that's done, eat something healthy. Go for a walk, and if you cant, then do some sit down exercises. A lot of times actions help me to reinforce or even change my thought patterns. If I am feeling low and I want to quit or I feel completely miserable I go to the gym. Even if I didn't want to go I feel better coming out. I feel like I get an inch ahead of the game. The feeling is like catching up on all of your missed homework. It's relief. So breathe, think, do, and forgive yourself. It was one day, and no matter how badly you did you will be okay. Dont let it change your coarse. I cant let it change mine.

I have also in the last few days found that people can not stand it when you refuse food. I do not know how many times I was asked about taking pie or cake or whatever home. I say "I cant eat that" and people get all uptight when you tell them you are on a diet. They roll their eyes and click their tongues in that "knowing" way. It isn't one day anymore when I take the day home to enjoy tomorrow! I'm not perfect. I made 5 cheesecake for the big feast and didn't bring a single slice home. I make good cheesecake. So good in fact that I might have found myself going at it in front of the tv at 2am with a spoon in a fit of boredom or discontentment or whatever! Perhaps someday I will be able to tackle that monster, but as I have said before: I know myself. Even if I could (and I probably could too) exercise complete self control, I don't want to be tempted. There is enough in everyday normal life for me to wrestle with here. Physically and emotionally. I just do not love food more than myself anymore. It isn't my coping mechanism, and it certainly doesn't make me feel better. I refused something on Wednesday before Thanksgiving while cooking with friends who know I am on a diet. They of course asked why, and I told them that it was too many points. One of them responded quite irritatedly with "And you are going to eat like 4 million points tomorrow so just shut up and enjoy it." Yeah, I get it. No one wants to count points on a Holiday. No one wants to be reminded that what they are eating is too much or bad for them or anything. I get it. So then stop asking why! I didn't go from table to table making sure everyone wasn't overeating, but do you know how many people came to make sure I was? It was infuriating. I know they mean well. They want me to have a good time too, and I guess they also associate food with general enjoyment. It comes down to more than the moment for me. I know that if I totally blow one day no matter how prepared I make myself to just let it go, that I cant. I'll analyze it and agonize over it and beat myself up.

2 years from now, I want to be healthy. I want to be in a size 12-14 and on my way to doing all of the things I have never been able to do before. I want to be fit enough to give birth, ride a roller coaster and dance (I'll be brave enough to learn then!) with my husband until dawn. When I am 70 years old, I want to be able to walk through the grocery store. I want to be able to sit on my front porch with Chad. I just want to be able.

Then I'll take some cheesecake home. I promise.

Today:
1 yogurt: 2
Sushi: 15
3 pieces gyoza: 3
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 slice light pie: 5
1 serving dip: 6
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 2
1 bagel: 2
1 veggie burger: 3
1 serving icecream: 3
Total for the Day: 44/44

Day 76

So today was mixed! I weighed in today and lost 4lbs exactly! 1 pound shy of my goal for the week, but I still think that I did really well. This brings my total loss to 40lbs and my current weight is: 377.8. I promised new progress pictures at 40lbs, but I am so tired tonight, I will get them done in the morning.

Another NSV! I was going to dinner at Chad's aunt's house, and I could not for the life of me find anything I felt confident wearing. On a whim I decided to pull out the pants I bought back in March before going to New Orleans. I had been shopping for the trip, but had found the awesome pants on sale. When they didn't fit (they were 28s, not stretchy and I was almost in a 34) I bought them anyway. I told myself that as soon as the trip was over I was going to work to fit into those pants. It took my a while...but I got into them today! They arent tight either, they fit pretty perfectly! I'm pretty happy about that. I feel like it was a positive day.

Then the food. So today we finally let go of one of my grandfathers largest belongings today. The hospital bed. That was really hard, and I didn't see it coming. I have been concentrating so hard on making sure that my mother was ready and okay with it leaving (we gave it to a friend whose grandmother is in great need of it) that I never stopped to prepare myself to watch it go. Afterward the family who received the bed treated us to lunch...at the Golden Corral. That's right, twice in two days. No excuses, I didn't do too badly, and I got a ton of veggies in. Dinner at Aunt in law's house was pot roast, roasted potatoes and carrots, and steamed green beans. Not too bad right? His aunt has multiple sclerosis, and its advanced enough that her hands shake badly and she cant walk, but the woman baked a lemon cake from scratch. Yeah, I caved to guilt food. I don't feel too bad about it because I only had a small slice and there wasn't much icing, it was drizzled. Still my choices for the day could have been better.

Last night I was thinking about the last thing that my grandfather said to me before he died. I was there to pick my brother up, and he asked me when I was going to get around to having kids. Not in those exact words, but it still sliced right into me. I was irritated at the time and I left with him knowing it I'm sure. This is a two fold issue. I'm incredibly sad that I never had a chance to say anything else, but I'm equally if not more crushed that I never got to show him a great grandchild. He knows I love him. One more opportunity lost, one more door closed by my weight and how hopeless I felt. I feel like I have this period of my life that has just been stolen from me, but nothing was stolen I was just trapped! I was lost within that trap. I have been trying all of my life to find that magic reason or motivator that would be the difference between me failing and me making it and the missing piece of the puzzle was me. I was reading about another blogger who also feels like he has changed so much. I feel like if I could have read this a year ago I'd have laughed out loud in my own face. I did not feel like losing weight was a possibility for me anymore, I didn't want anything anymore. Now, with so much lost I feel like I need to hold on that much tighter to the things I could still have. I feel like I have options again, though I have to admit that in the first two weeks I had some serious doubts about this going anywhere. I am still amazed every single week at every single weigh in and with every NSV and good choice. I'm so proud of myself and I feel so awake inside. I feel real hope here, even though it still scares the size 28 pants off of me to feel hope at all.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 egg: 2
2 oz skillet steak: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
Huge serving spinach: 0
2 beat slices: 0
carrots: 0
1 green bell pepper ring: 0
broccoli: 0
cauliflower: 0
1/2 egg: 1
1/4th cup cheddar cheese: 2
pickles: 0
3 tbsp ranch: 4
1 serving meat loaf: 3
1/2 baked yam: 2
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0
1 serving steamed cauliflower: 0
1 serving steamed carrots: 0
1 serving bourbon chicken: 3
1/2 cup mashed potatoes: 3
1/2th cup (literally just a taste) corn bread stuffing: 4
1 serving habanero shrimp: 4
1 serving beef pot roast: 6
1 serving roasted potatoes and carrots: 4
1 serving steamed green beans: 0
1 slice lemon cake (argh): 5
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 3/35

Yeah I used 3 extra points tonight. I'm not really upset about it. Part of this is learning how to be good to yourself right? I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff when everything else is going smoothly.

Day 70

I did it! Day one down. I went to the gym, I did an hour of cardio (2.46 miles), and I completed my circuit (I even asked the trainer to show me a new machine). I did not use any extra points today either. The sunlight thing didn't go so well. Our schedule is bad for it to begin with, we don't even wake up until noon every day. I ended up distracted and when I looked up the afternoon sun was gone. Tomorrow is another day and it is still my goal to get some more sun this week before it starts raining again on Thursday.

I tried to quiet my mind down a bit before going into the gym, and I was unsuccessful. I was the last person into the gym though. I just needed a moment to myself to get my head where it needed to be. I was preparing myself to meet a set goal, and steeling my resolve. In the gym while I was doing my 2nd half hour on the treadmill I started to think about the journey and my progress so far. I know that I have so far to go, but I feel like I have come so far. The difference in the way I feel is so distinct. When I look in the mirror I can not see the difference that everyone else can, I just cant. However, when I'm walking and I realize that after 30 minutes I'm not winded, or gasping for air and coming up with excuses for why I can just stop now because 10 minutes was good enough it hits me. I'm different and I'm changing. My body is responding and I'm actually losing weight. It hit me tonight when I got into my Mothers car and put on my seat belt with no struggle at all. I'm embarrassed when I go to the gym in a bra that doesn't fit me, but I remember then too. It doesn't fit me because I have lost inches off of my under bust, and bust. Inches that several months ago I was convinced would never be lost. This is hard to share but my walk is different too. I realized tonight at the gym, why my toe was hurting. I might have cried a little over this. It (the toe) may be sprained, but I'm starting to walk on the actual bottom of my left foot. I know that sounds strange but I've noticed that I put a lot of my weight on the outside of my left foot, and now, I'm starting to walk correctly. Not with every foot fall, but maybe 1 in every 5 or 6. There is just so much, and its so overwhelming. Its happy, and its beautiful, and desperate, honest and ugly all at the same time. Its slow going, and cautious. Its smooth sailing and then suddenly there are potholes and construction going on. Despite never wanting to come back to this place (417.8lbs), I have a feeling I will be revisiting these roads in my memories for years to come. I know I have said it before but this is the single most difficult task I have ever faced. I'm grappling with my weight and myself. It can be an exhausting and exhilarating battle. I feel like I'm untangling myself from my little fortress.

Today:
1 banana: 2
1 ww frozen meal: 5
1 can soup: 5
1 slice cheese: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving ranch rice cakes: 2
1/2 cup light egg nog (ohhhh the craving): 3
1 serving ww orange chicken: 5
1/2 cup brown rice: 2
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0
1 bagel: 2
1/4th cup pizza sauce: 1
1/4th cup cheese: 2
Extra serving orange chicken: 6
1 cup rice: 5
Total for the Day: 44/44

Day 66

This is going to be a quick post because it has been a long day and I am so tired.

I really did not want to go to the gym today. I have hurt my toe somehow (bad enough that walking continuously for cardio sucks), and I have a stiff neck. I went anyway. I only did a mile today though, plus my full circuit. It was so hard to get out of the car and go in today, but when I was finished even though I didn't do the full cardio I felt so much better.

I'm afraid I'm not going to make much of a showing on the scale for the last two weeks. I know I only really messed up once, but I fret almost for a living. I will take any loss, but I am going to be pushing myself for the next few days. Not as a punishment but because I need to be able to sleep Saturday night before my weigh in. I have spent so long not doing anything about this weight and now I constantly fear that I'm not doing enough!

My measurements went pretty well though. I lost 3 inches off of my hips and my under bust, and 1.75 inches off of my bust. No wonder none of my bras fit me at all! I was embarrased to wear my newest one out of the house today. Total inches lost on my under bust: 3.5, total from my bust: 3.5. Oh and my hips total so far: 5.25. My thigh total 8 inches lost. These are just the highlights. It gets crazy, down to a half inch lost from my wrists since I've been paying attention to them.

So far so good, even if I did slow down a bunch over the past two weeks. I didnt eat so well today and was starving well after dinner, but way before bedtime.

Today:
1 Arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
Sushi buffet (est using WW website, plus a bit for unknowns): 25
1 arnold sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1/2 serving pickles: 0
spinach: 0
1 serving fat free ranch: 0
1 serving bbq soy crisps: 2
1 cup peas: 2
1 serving buffalo chicken casserole: 6
LATER serving casserole: 6
1/2 cup peas: 1
1 serving light popcorn: 1
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 5/35
Leftover: 30/35

I have to again stop and check my habits. I am not getting in enough vegetables. Again. Getting better!

Day 65

Alrighty well today was much easier. I think the week is just getting easier as I go on. I had a few errands to run before the gym, but I made it. I also managed to manage my food intake well enough to make it to my points totals without a lot of end of the day binging. I only had cardio today and I did another 2.46 miles in an hour. That was two 30 minute sessions pretty much back to back. The 2nd 30 minutes was harder, because I was less distracted. So far so good then on getting back to the gym (I only missed a week.). I have cardio and my full circuit tomorrow.

I have my weigh in Sunday, but tonight before I go to bed I am going to do my measurements. I'm going to try and do those once a month.

I feel really determined and motivated. I feel like I can just keep going. When I think about the length of the road ahead of me I feel a strange weight on my shoulders and my heart. I shouldn't call it strange because really I am carrying the weight of my whole world here. I'm struggling down this road carrying my hopes, dreams and expectations. I'm carrying mine and my husbands future. I'm carrying the very idea of everything that could be. Sometimes the load becomes too much to bear and I start stumbling. I cant fail here. I need to remind myself of that. No starting over, no giving up just for today. There is too much at stake. I will succeed because there is no other path to take, and because I want it more than anything else. The end of this road will open doors to new paths that I've barely dreamed about. I cant let go of those little glimpses I'm getting now. One foot in front of the other. I am more than my weight.

Today:
1 arnold sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serv nutella: 2
1 serv jam: 1
1 ww lemon cake: 1
large serving spinach: 0
3 green pepper rings: 0
1/8th cup chick peas: 1
2 tbsp ranch: 2
1 serving pickles: 0
1/2 hard boiled egg: 1
1/4th cup jalapenos: 0
1 cup broccoli: 0
1 cup cauliflower: 0
1/2 cup brown rice: 2
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken: 5
1 can soup: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving ranch rice quakes: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 cup brown rice: 4
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken: 5
1 angel food cake: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving ice cream: 2
1 serving bbq soy crisps: 2
Total for the Day: 43/44
Leftover: 1

...and I will take it.