The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Day 86

Just a short post tonight as it's actually pretty close to bedtime here.

I've been struggling this week, with so many different issues. A little laziness, a little depression and anxiety. I want to apologize for how down I have been. I've really been thinking through my issues and I still feel positive about this journey. I haven't lapsed back into old habits, and I don't plan to. I am changing, inside and out, and that is hard. It takes its toll emotionally and physically. I'm learning how to deal with that at the same time that I am dealing with life. It isn't supposed it be easy! That is what I keep telling myself. These past 86 days I have been raw and honest and ashamed and proud and awakened. Losing weight is more than just physically hard. This week I have been thinking so much about my expectations of myself at a healthy weight. I have so much fear about that, and it's so far off. Or maybe not, who knows how long it is going to take. I never thought that I would be afraid of being thin, but I am. Once I lose this weight I cant blame anything on being "fat" anymore. Infertility, laziness (which I always knew was personality based in any case...), self image, and so much more. I'm sure that there will be things that I have to face and untangle for myself. Perhaps many of my issues will be alleviated, but if they arent I haven't quite figured out what to do next. I'm looking too far down the possible paths I think. However, on a positive note, I said "once I lose" and not "if". I'm getting there.

1 small salad; 3
1 can soup: 7
1 sandwich thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 bagel: 2
1 serving fat free cheese: 1
1 serving pizza sauce: 1
1 banana: 2
4oz chicken: 4
1 large serving steamed veggies: 0
1 serving stovetop: 4
1 serving honey mustard: 1
1 cup ice cream: 5
popcorn: 5
1 yogurt: 2
Total for the Day: 43/44
Leftover: 1


Rettakat said...

Wow, I couldn't agree with you more about it being exhausting at times! Change is not easy... and it's more than just physically draining.

One thing--other than a good nights rest!--that helps me is to have positive goals (not just a weight loss number) written out for my future. You can put stuff on your list that you feel good about, excited and passionate for, dreams and goals. It reminds us WHY we are doing this, and recharges our batteries.

And then... there is the "mystery of why". You might have to wait on some it that is giving you fear right now... you won't know in advance how some things can work out... it will have to be filed under M for Mystery, for now.

I would bet that later as you get closer, and are feeling more confidence and maybe have a clearer vision and have worked thru some things, that you will discover that a lot of that fear was just fear of the unknown. I like to translate that into "Adventure". I don't know what will happen, but it sure will be an Adventure!
I hope you can rest and recharge, and feel better soon.

NicoleB said...

Hi There. I just started my journey as well (on november 9th) and man has it been hard! But it will be SO worth it in the end. Just know that there are so many women out there feeling just like you, and we are here to support you through this. Great job not giving up. 86 days is great. Keep it up!

Patsy said...

You are most definitely getting there - keep up the terrific work! :o)

Yaneri said...

Hi there! You have such a wonderful inspiring and encouraging blog!
I myself am on the mission to loosing it too. It's a challenge but there are other things I've challenge and over come and I'm sure I can do this. Love reading your blog!

I start Lindora next week!