Day 84

So, I'm still in pain, but it feels like its getting better, I just really need to not re injure it in the next two days or so. I don't want to start the healing process all over again. I think I set myself back a little today by putting on a bra. I needed to go to the grocery store, so tomorrow I might try doing some at home walking or perhaps just some walking through the neighborhood without a bra. I always feel weird about that though. I just don't want to stop moving, and since the room mate left his weights here I might try a little free weight lifting as well. Well, as long as the movements don't cause ripping. Ouch. I was going to sell his weight bench, but now I think I might keep it and use the thing on days I cant get to the gym, that way I wont ever miss a whole circuit.

Greg posted a little chart with weight lost so far and it was cool to see the progress all together that way, I figured I would post one too for motivation!

w01 Sept. 13, 09 (start): 417.8
w02 Sept. 20, 09: 411 (-6.8)
w03 Sept. 27, 09: 408.4 (-2.6)
w04 Oct. 4, 09: 399.2 (-9.2)
w05 Oct. 11, 09: 398.8 (-0.4)
w06 Oct. 18, 09: 393.2 (-5.6) 5%!
w07 Oct. 25, 09: 390.4 (-2.8)
w08 Nov. 01, 09: 385.2 (-5.2)
w09 Nov. 08, 09: IN VA MISSED
w10 Nov. 15, 09: 381.8 (-3.4)
w11 Nov. 22, 09: 377.8 (-4.0)
w12 Nov. 29, 09: 374.2 (-3.6) 10%!
Total Loss: 43.6

Not too shabby! I am also not doing anything out of the ordinary. I am following the rules, eating all of my points and exercising most of the time. I'm eating better and feeling better without killing myself over here. I'm really proud of myself and everyone else trying to get to a similar place. You guys can do this.

Today:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 6 inch sub from subway: 5
plus cheese: 1
plus light mayo: 1
1 serving sun chips: 3
1 can soup: 3
1 slice light american cheese: 1
1 serving spaghetti: 4
1 serving sauce: 4
1 bagel: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving pizza sauce: 1
Total for the Day: 33/44

I will be back to update with the rest of my points!

Day 83

I lost 3.6 lbs this week! That brings my total to 43.6lbs lost and runs me right past my 10% goal! I have also already lost 16.2 of the 20-25lbs that I said I wanted to lose by January 1st 2010 (see Day: 48). My new short term goal is to lose 24.2 lbs which will put me at 350 lbs. Right now I weigh 374.2.

Currently I have lost more weight than ever before on any diet.

I am making this post early so that I can have some time with my husband tonight. I've had a pretty bad day. I was moody and tired and I spend much of the day picking nonsensical fights with my husband. After my meeting I came home and went to bed having only eaten a WW mini bar because I was just being a total tyrant and I needed to chill out. I woke up around 4 and went to the movies with friends so my first full meal was popcorn. Yeah I know. Oh, and the other reason that I had a horrible day is somewhat personal. I have a skin condition under my breasts and sometimes they get really dry underneath and today the skin sort of tore or abraded. God, but that is one of the most painful things. It has happened before, so I can deal with it, but it has been fueling my bad mood for most of the day. That kind of thing also drives me so hard to lose weight. Its so uncomfortable. If the girls (boobs) don't shrink a little then I might go ahead and have a breast reduction when I am through the weight loss portion of the journey. I need the area under them to have the time and air flow to heal once and for all. This particular issue effects my self image so dramatically. I feel unclean and ugly. I can not wait for it to be gone! I can not wait to not want to cry every single time I put on a bra.

There is just so much to look forward to, so many things that I cant think of them all just sitting here. Already things have gotten easier. I can reach places on my body that were almost impossible before, and movie theater seats aren't quite as uncomfortable anymore. Those are only the most recent. Every week or so I get some new discovery. I love it, and it keeps me motivated. I want more, and honestly I need more. I need this in my life, proving to me constantly that it's worth the struggle. All of my life, my emotions and all of the shame and pain I have felt for so long are going to add up to a drive, self worth and will that were forged from steel. Eventually perhaps I'll be able to thread that steel further into my life. I truly believe that this journey is going to make me a better person, and not just on the outside. Each brick that I remove from my fortress provides more illumination into exactly who I am, and who I could be.

Today:
1 ww mini bar: 1
popcorn without butter at the movie theatre: 10pts
2 cups cooked pasta (shells): 7
2 servings pasta sauce: 3
3 oz chicken breast cooked and 1 oz sausage cooked: 5
1 small piece garlic bread: 4
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving meat sauce: 6
1 serving cheese: 2
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 serving ice cream: 2
Total for the Day: 42/44

WW online says I still have 44 points, I have to lose 4.2 more lbs before I can lose a daily point! Is it sad that I am actually excited about that?

Day 82

Today was a slow and relaxing day for the most part. I feel more relaxed than I did a few days ago. I am looking forward to Christmas actually. I like the distraction. Its an automatic reason to be joyful and thankful and even excited. Yes, Christmas still excites me even as an adult. I'm hoping to handle Christmas the same way that I handled Thanksgiving. I'm going to have a great time and enjoy the traditions (food, presents etc) but not lose sight of my ultimate goals. I also don't want to put myself in a bad position mentally. I want to come through the rest of the Holidays guilt free. I will be cooking the whole meal on Christmas day, unlike Thanksgiving. I am going to try and plan out a Weight Watchers friendly meal, and dessert, while also trying to stay traditional to keep my family happy. I don't think they will know the difference honestly. Maybe I'll post some of my ideas here this week for some feedback.

My husband has asked about being allowed to have candy on Christmas this year. I told him that it wouldn't bother me. You have to understand how good he has been to understand my reasoning. Since we have gone on Weight Watchers he has stayed on plan, and never fallen off. Before weight watchers he ate candy every single day. That is not an exaggeration. Every night he brought home starburst or sour patch kids or something equally sugary. He honestly just loves candy, so does his father for that matter, Since we started counting points he hasn't binged on candy or asked for any, or complained about not having any. I really only like specific candy and so I don't feel that his having some on Christmas is going to affect me, and I trust him when he says just for the day. His journey is his own after all and he seems to be succeeding.

I wonder if there will ever be a day when my instincts switch over to eating just enough to be satisfied. Will there ever be a day when I can bring home a cheesecake and have just a slice, or none at all? Will I ever be able to go into a chinese food buffet and not over do it? More importantly will I ever accomplish these feats without thinking about it constantly? I certainly hope so. That will be one of the single most freeing days of my life I think.

Back to the gym Monday. Same goals as the week before last! Going for another 4 lbs! Also, my weigh in is tomorrow. I would be lying if I said I didn't hope to lose weight with all of my heart and soul, and I would be lying if I said I gave it my all this past week. I've been distracted and busy. Thus is the journey. I have a feeling if it was really easy it might not be worth doing, even though that sounds kinda funny. While my weight loss might not make a great showing I still feel as though the work I am doing on myself inside is making a major difference. I know that I am doing well, and will be trying to keep that in the front of my mind all day tomorrow. I would be pleased as punch to have just maintained tomorrow morning. Wish me luck!

Today:
Large (rather huge) salad: 6
3 tbsp light ranch: 3
1 can soup: 3
2 servings cheddar rice cakes: 5
1 serving cheese: 3
1 bowl of baked potato soup: 12
1 cup ice cream: 6
2 bites of second salad: 2
Total for the Day: 40/44
Leftover: 4

Day 81

This is going to be long and a little disorganized.

Yesterday was wonderful, but oh so long. I did go over my daily points, but I planned for that (or rather expected to) and had all of my weekly points to spare. Today was not so great. I didn't get a chance to eat until around 5pm and that ended up being a yogurt. I took care of my points later, but I didn't really binge on them which is also a step in the correct direction.

I'm pretty proud of myself for yesterday. I didn't kill myself over it, but I kept my diet and my points in mind all day. I also busted my butt all day yesterday and the day before, so honestly even without a gym I know I was burning calories. Today I am still completely exhausted and moody (which happens when I'm overtired.). We are pretty much out of groceries here because I manged to bring nothing home from Thanksgiving! I am pretty excited about that. I was able for once to just let it all go. It didn't matter more to me than feeling better for once in my life. This week has been crazy, and I'm sure I wont make a great showing (or any showing maybe) on Sunday when I get on that scale, but as of right now I have defeated Thanksgiving. I'm past the hump and still on parade. I managed to indulge and not crash my marching band into a tar pit. However, that still means we have no real food here. My husband (who is currently stringing lights onto a Christmas tree) took me out to dinner tonight for sushi. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get around to surveying the cupboards and making a grocery list.

I don't know how many of you (out of anyone who reads or ever will read this) feel like you can't get a hold on your diet or lifestyle change after something like Thanksgiving, but I'm sure there are a few of you. I'm saying this as much for myself as any of you: First, breathe. When that's done, eat something healthy. Go for a walk, and if you cant, then do some sit down exercises. A lot of times actions help me to reinforce or even change my thought patterns. If I am feeling low and I want to quit or I feel completely miserable I go to the gym. Even if I didn't want to go I feel better coming out. I feel like I get an inch ahead of the game. The feeling is like catching up on all of your missed homework. It's relief. So breathe, think, do, and forgive yourself. It was one day, and no matter how badly you did you will be okay. Dont let it change your coarse. I cant let it change mine.

I have also in the last few days found that people can not stand it when you refuse food. I do not know how many times I was asked about taking pie or cake or whatever home. I say "I cant eat that" and people get all uptight when you tell them you are on a diet. They roll their eyes and click their tongues in that "knowing" way. It isn't one day anymore when I take the day home to enjoy tomorrow! I'm not perfect. I made 5 cheesecake for the big feast and didn't bring a single slice home. I make good cheesecake. So good in fact that I might have found myself going at it in front of the tv at 2am with a spoon in a fit of boredom or discontentment or whatever! Perhaps someday I will be able to tackle that monster, but as I have said before: I know myself. Even if I could (and I probably could too) exercise complete self control, I don't want to be tempted. There is enough in everyday normal life for me to wrestle with here. Physically and emotionally. I just do not love food more than myself anymore. It isn't my coping mechanism, and it certainly doesn't make me feel better. I refused something on Wednesday before Thanksgiving while cooking with friends who know I am on a diet. They of course asked why, and I told them that it was too many points. One of them responded quite irritatedly with "And you are going to eat like 4 million points tomorrow so just shut up and enjoy it." Yeah, I get it. No one wants to count points on a Holiday. No one wants to be reminded that what they are eating is too much or bad for them or anything. I get it. So then stop asking why! I didn't go from table to table making sure everyone wasn't overeating, but do you know how many people came to make sure I was? It was infuriating. I know they mean well. They want me to have a good time too, and I guess they also associate food with general enjoyment. It comes down to more than the moment for me. I know that if I totally blow one day no matter how prepared I make myself to just let it go, that I cant. I'll analyze it and agonize over it and beat myself up.

2 years from now, I want to be healthy. I want to be in a size 12-14 and on my way to doing all of the things I have never been able to do before. I want to be fit enough to give birth, ride a roller coaster and dance (I'll be brave enough to learn then!) with my husband until dawn. When I am 70 years old, I want to be able to walk through the grocery store. I want to be able to sit on my front porch with Chad. I just want to be able.

Then I'll take some cheesecake home. I promise.

Today:
1 yogurt: 2
Sushi: 15
3 pieces gyoza: 3
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 slice light pie: 5
1 serving dip: 6
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 2
1 bagel: 2
1 veggie burger: 3
1 serving icecream: 3
Total for the Day: 44/44

Day 80

Today was actually easier than I thought it would be. By the time dinner rolled around I had been smelling food and cooking for so long that I wasn't hungry. I have been up since 7 AM and I will total my points tomorrow.

I hope that you all had a successful Thanksgiving.

Food update to come tomorrow.

Day 79

So I just finished prepping the stuff I am cooking tomorrow, and cooking what I could today. It is now 3am, and I have to be at the hall we rented by 8am. As such this is going to be the shortest post ever. I did not make it to my points total today, but I'm not terribly worried about it. I have been making it most every day these days.

I will update tomorrow even though it is a Holiday, but it will be pretty late.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 ww yogurt: 1
bites Alex's lunch: 1
1 bag light popcorn: 5
1 grilled chicken sandwich: 7
1 serving bbq: 1
1 baked potato w/ cheese: 6
1 small chili: 4
Total for the Day: 28/44
Leftover: 16

Day 78

And so it begins. The Holiday countdown and complete chaos. I did not make it to the gym today, but I was seriously on my feet and walking from 1 this afternoon until just after 1am when I walked through my front door. This is the first day since I started feeling better physically that I actually hurt. My feet and my legs and my lower back. UGH. I don't know if the gym is an option tomorrow since I am cooking pretty much from when I get up until very late. I'm hoping that I can get most of everything done by 7pm and go anyway. Today I don't feel any shame though. I have been moving, all day. I do miss the strength training though.

Today was a really long day and so this is short, and sweet and to the point. I'm still with this, and I plan to stay. Thanksgiving is Thursday and its going to be a test, but I think I can pass. Even if I mess up a little the journey moves on, and I cant quit. I've come too far.

Today:
1 serving jambalaya: 7
1 yogurt: 1
samples in Sams Club: 4
Spinach: 0
pickles: 0
1/8th cup chick peas: 1
1 serving ranch: 2
1/2 egg: 1
1 serving salad topper: 1
1 turkey wing: 5
1 can soup: 3
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 1/2 serving light kung pao chicken: 16
2 cups steamed green beans: 0
Total for the Day: 42/44