Day 280

Something that makes me smile? I have more energy and it doesn't hurt as much to use it. My poor husband is sick, but went to work anyway and now he feels rather horrid. So I'm taking care of him, and doing the things he normally does at night. A year ago I would not have been capable of the tedious back and forth, up and down type stuff. I'd have helped him as much as I could, but he would still have had to do things for me...and he would have because he loves me (and he in fact keeps asking me if I need help). Tonight though, I can totally take care of him. That makes me smile.

I think I'm off to a pretty nice march here so far. I can see Diet Parade just around the corner up ahead. I'm having trouble planning my points out so that I don't have a ton left over at the end of the evening...but so far that seems to be it. My veggies could be better, but I got 7 servings of fruits and veggies in today...

I went to the gym and I did 55 minutes of cardio and my full circuit. Yes, I am so counting that 55 minutes as an hour! I was getting a pretty bad headache. I have been fighting a headache since last Thursday, but I have meds from last time to try and make sure it doesn't turn into a migraine again.

So I fell off for a month here, and the Monday Spring Challenge Check in's haven't been coming. I'm sorry for that, but I am going to post one tonight because I'm back and even though I've neglected...well...everything, I want to get it all straight.

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I am getting back to it! I know its late, but I am determined!
2. I again am getting better but I'm still a work in progress.
3. I went to my meeting!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. Soon! I almost went bike riding at the beach with Chad, but Uncle Freddy came a knockin' almost as soon as we realized the condo came with bikes!

Now something I like about myself. I like that I am without a doubt, resilient. Despite being down and out, or falling back I will never give up. I will be fighting this battle for the rest of my life. Nothing ends at 165lbs, life begins anew! I still have to be careful though because I know the risks of food and lifestyle choices. I will never be 400+ again, but I'll have to be mindful. And who knows? Being down and out recently could be a cyclic thing, I might have to fight this and "fake it until I make" it several times before I hit 165. Does that make it less worth it? No way. I will be riding roller coasters, wearing smaller clothes, taking care of sick husbands and having babies by the time I am done. Living life is always worth bouncing back.

Today:
2 low fat whole grain waffles: 2
w 1 serving reduced cal syrup: 2
1 banana: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving chicken tomato and potato stew: 9
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/2 serving turkey breast lunch meat: 1
1 serving mustard: 0
2 slices tomato: 0
1 slice roasted red pepper: 0
1 serving dinner (later): 9
1 slice diet cherry pepsi cake: 4
38/38

Diet Cherry Pepsi cake

1 box any reduced sugar (or not) chocolate cake
12 oz diet cherry pepsi
1 pack ff, sf, instant chocolate pudding (4 serving box)
2 egg whites
1 20 oz can cherry pie filling

Mix dry cake mix, pudding mix, egg whites, and pepsi until well blended.

Spoon mixture into bottom of prepared bundt pan.

Spoon half the can of cherries in on top.

Spoon the rest of the cake mixture on top of the cherries.

Bake as package directs (check though, mine took the lower amount of time).

After the cake cools, remove it from the bundt pan and pour the remaining pie filling over the top.

Enjoy!

Day 225

OOPS! Tonight's post is going to be very short because I almost forgot to do so! I had put the laptop away and was getting ready for bed when I realized my lapse!

I made it to the gym today for a bit of a paired down workout. I finished my whole circuit but skimped on the cardio tonight. I got to the gym late and then my poor husband who is incredibly supportive was having such a bad time, he was so uncomfortable and felt so out of place. So I put him out of his misery by giving it up a little early. I was shocked he gave in and went with me, but he really is always very supportive, though now I have been spending time trying to convince him that he is still a pretty strong guy despite the fact that I lift more on a nautilus machine... I'm actually very sweetly amused.

My food was again really good today, enchiladas are becoming a family favorite here now...and I'm glad. First of all I can seriously pack two servings of fruits and veggies in there, second, they are a pretty good size serving, and third, we love spicy!

Today:
1 serving doritos (I was weak): 4
1 banana: 2
1 serving cereal: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 tbsp ff ranch: 1
2 serving steamed veggies (incl corn): 1
1 serving enchilada stuffing: 4
1 whole wheat wrap: 2
1 cup rice: 4
1 bag popcorn: 5
2nd enchilada (incl wrap): 6
leftover rice: 2
1 veggie burger: 2
1 100 cal pack: 1
41/40

I used 1 extra point today, but I got in 11 servings of fruits and veggies today! I'm pretty shocked, I didn't realize I was eating so many!

Day 224

It was a strange day today. I didn't get to the gym so tomorrow will be my first day back, but I danced for a bit, cleaned my house and then my husband and I walked after dinner. We went to subway for dinner tonight at my request. I fell on my glasses today and bent them so that they don't really fit on my face...so as I was trying to prep dinner tonight they kept falling off and I was getting really frustrated.

I did get a nice surprise today though. I had asked my husband to take the day off today because we really didn't get a lot of time together this weekend, and we spent a bit of that arguing (we don't really argue, its more my moods swinging than anything else honestly). Honestly we spend most weekends now running errands and doing things with other people. We almost never get alone time anymore, and I will admit that I've been a little emotional about it (and that it was most of what we were arguing about all weekend). He could not get today off though, and he felt bad about it, and I was disappointed. So tonight he came home and handed me a note that said: "a coupon for you, because you're super awesome of course!" And inside it said: "good for one day off of work." So I looked at him and started to tell him that it was sweet and he told me to read the fine print...At the bottom of the note written really small it said: "I took tomorrow off."

I love my husband. I'm going to repay him by making him go to the gym with me tomorrow!

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I did not go to the gym at all this week and was a lot less active than usual, but it didn't hurt me and I'm not (that) upset about it.
2. I did pretty well again this week, I even chose to get the salad bar at Chucky Cheese!
3. I went to my meeting and lost weight!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 10 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I like that I have a great capacity for love. I love people and animals, sometimes to the detriment of myself. I sometimes give more than I should emotionally and sometimes even physically or financially (especially in terms of my cats). Sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed, but at the end of the day I would not change a thing. The rewards (love in return) are worth it.

Today:
2 crab cakes: 6
2 tbsp mango chutney: 2
1 cup green beans: 0
1 arnolds sand: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 tbsp light ranch: 1
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 can soup: 5
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 yogurt: 1
1 subway sub (w/mayo and cheese): 14
1 serving sunchips: 4
1/2 cookie: 1
39/40

I actually got to 8 servings of veggies today! It looks like (according to my online points tracker) I only need 8 now! That's one less to worry about!

Day 192

Yesterday was karaoke and sadly I do not have any videos for you! It was a very low key night as not a lot of people were there. This is going to be short as I would like to have something to say later on tonight!

We took a friend to the airport yesterday morning, well before we would normally have gotten up. Afterward we were both hungry at a time we wouldn't normally be and instead of doing the smart thing and going home to go back to bed, we decided to have breakfast out together. We went to Qdoba and got a breakfast burrito. These things are pretty straight forward: tortilla, egg, potato, meat, cheese, salsa, but as I learned later, high in points values. At first I was disappointed that I had spent so many points on one thing, but after thinking about it, I'm glad I went. I got to have a cheap, tasty breakfast alone with my husband and even though it was so pointy it was on karaoke night when I am notorious for having too many points left over at 2am.

Today:
1 breakfast burrito: 22 (Yeah.)
1 barbie cup: 6
1/2 cup mashed potatoes: 2
1/2 cup broccoli: 0
1 sex on the beach: 4 (according to WW online)
1 serving white chicken chili: 7
1 yogurt: 2
41/41 + 2/35

Day 188

So I have this really horrible/funny story. You remember yesterday when I said that no matter what I wouldn't miss my meeting? Yeah. So my husband works a lot, and his social life suffers. He really only has one friend who isn't also my friend. Well, he and that friend got together yesterday to play video games. My husband stayed out until after 6am. Yes, after 6am. Now, I do not begrudge him his fun time, but when he came home at 6am he wanted to be "helpful" so he reset my alarm clock...which then never went off. To say that I was full of seething, angry rage would not do the moment when I woke up justice.

I know they are just meetings, but when I miss them I feel like I am falling behind, or not doing as well as I could be. I also love the support and the people there. I love sitting in a room full of other people struggling just as hard as I am to get to a similar goal. I would switch meetings to a more convenient time (we are a late shift family) but I love the connection with this group!

In any case I got up, got dressed and weighed myself this morning: 341.4. That's a loss of 5.8 from the last time I went to WW! I am currently lighter than I have been in years. This makes my total loss so far: 76.4lbs. So despite struggling with the gym, and stress and moving I am still parading down diet lane. I am seriously proud of myself. Even my new clothes are fitting very loosely!

I am supposed to go back to the gym tomorrow, but my monthly slasher flick is here in a bad way. I have a plan, but I'm not going to kick myself over not being able to hack a full circuit or cardio if I can't. I have pain and nausea today, but they aren't usually what keeps me from the gym...if you know what I mean.

Today was grocery day, and game night (at a friends house), so I will not be posting my recipe for Pizza Meatloaf Pie tonight, but I promise to get it done tomorrow! It was incredibly tasty!

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 serving sun chips: 4
1 subway sub: 12
1 serving dark chocolate: 3
1 serving pizza meatloaf pie: 9
1 serving green beans: 0
1/2 serving ranch: 1
a handful of almonds: 1
1 bag popcorn: 5
38/41

I do plan to use some of my extra points tonight. I was feeling fairly sick earlier, and now I feel starved! It's the monthly I think...

Day 182, 183, 184

We are moved in! Actually we were moved in yesterday, but I didn't have any secure internet. We had to get that straightened out, and then also naturally we were busy. Sorry I haven't been here. Honestly my diet parade has suffered a little. First I was sick last week with that wicked migraine and couldn't go to the gym, and then I was moving. I'm not really going to beat myself up over it all though because its life. Life is never as smooth as we plan it. I could have gone to the gym tonight but it has been the first night we have been able to relax since we moved in. So we are relaxing. I also didnt start counting my point again until today.

So a short post tonight as a comeback because I want time with my husband who has worked his tail off, but I do have a food log (so far for the night) for you. I hope that everyone else is having a great week!

Today:
1 leftover turkey burger: 3
w/cheese: 1
1 serving sweet potato fries: 3
1 serving bbq sauce: 1
3oz chicken breast: 3
1 arnolds san thin: 1
1 serving pickles: 0
1/2 serving swwet potato fries: 2
1 leftover turkey burger: 3
w/ cheese: 1
1/2 serving cheddar rice crisps: 1
1 pudding: 1
1 orange: 1
21/41

Today was a leftover eating day! But it was all on plan leftovers. Dinner is going to be chinese pineapple chicken with rice and some green veggies.

Day 179

I am going to make this update now because my husband is taking me to a movie for a bit of a change of pace tonight. It was hard for me to relax knowing that I had been planning to move on Sunday. I mean, I am still moving on Sunday, it just wont be in one day. Not to mention my ability to find whatever to worry about is just absolutely uncanny. Enough of that. My eating today has been good, and my fluid intake has been great. I need to keep my chin up here! I have great support on and offline and I'm not going to drown. That is my mantra for this week: I am not going to drown. I can swim!

1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving crackers: 1
1 whole wheat wrap: 2
1 egg: 2
1 serving ww cheese: 2
2 tbsp salsa: 0
3oz shredded potato: 1
1 tbsp ranch dressing: 1
100 cal pack cupcakes: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 ww yogurt: 1
1/8th of a light latte which was then promptly spilled by a combination of cat and roomie's husband: 1
21/41

Dinner is going to be barbie cups made with chicken, and peas on the side. Bringing my points to 29. So my husband and I are going to share some popcorn tonight at the movies. I'll be back to update the rest when I get home.

Day 177, 178

I'm back! Sorta. I have orders first from my doctor and then my friends and family to do nothing for a week. My doctor told me that if I worked I needed not to go in, and when I told her I didn't work, that I stayed at home, she asked who she could talk to to make sure I didn't do anything. I'm not really sure what that means honestly? No cooking, no cleaning? No moving. Yeesh, that's a pretty tall order. I am supposed to be moving on Sunday! However, the house I am moving out of is mine, and we don't really have any like solid need to be out time frame. So I think we are going to be taking our time, and I am just going to try and chill out. I have always gotten hives from stress, and stress has always had a very physical effect on me, but this is new. It started as a light headache on Sunday morning, buzzed right on up to incapacitating and finally subsided sometime in the a.m. this morning. The migraine (which would only be the 2nd in my entire life) kept me from eating, sleeping, and standing, as every movement hurt. I couldn't keep any food down at all. My doctor gave me a muscle relaxer/ pain aid and a sleeping pill. She told me to take something for nausea too. She suggested gently that during my upcoming physical I speak to my regular doctor about my anxiety. Honestly the reason that I never have is because I don't feel like anyone takes me seriously. I tried talking about it all through high-school and every one acted like I was just trying to be special. High-school ended for me on the day that I couldn't remember my own name (Way to big of a subject to add to a post tonight, there is just too much to tell.). Before anyone asked me if I was okay, they asked if I was on drugs. Seriously? I don't even smoke! So maybe I also have some angst about the subject. Sorry, tangent.

Anyway, so I am planning on talking to my doctor during my physical because honestly if my stress or anxiety is going to cause migraines like this one I need help. I have spent all day afraid of this pain coming back.

My eating was awful which you know, thanks to my husband, and yesterday it wasn't much better. I kept everything I ate down, but it wasn't very much. I was still feeling very nauseous. Today was much better, I made my points and managed to get in breakfast, lunch and dinner. We indulged a little tonight, and I had a sandwich and fries from a local sub shop.

With everything included my points were only 42/41 which puts me 1 point into my weekly points. Not too shabby after everything.

So, I do not think there will be any gym until Wednesday, which makes 1 week. Hopefully I will keep feeling better!

To everyone who commented: Yes, I have an amazing husband who took off 2 1/2 days to sit at our bedside and hold my hand and give me my medicine, and walk me to the bathroom in complete darkness. I would not trade him for all of the tea in China!

You guys are all so very wonderful and supportive. I know we are all doing this for ourselves in a way (we all have a plethora of reasons for why we do this, sometimes it is for our families, mine too) but I think that if I didn't have this to come back to every night I would not be this successful. You guys are my anchor here and without you I'm not sure I would come back at all. Thank you.

I will finally get to those awards tomorrow! I will have the time since I am apparently not allowed to do anything else! I'm going to be here trying to find things to do that don't involve stress! Yeah. I know...

Day 174

Getting to the good stuff first and foremost: I lost a point! Today I weighed 347.2! Making my total weight loss 70.6lbs! I started at 44 WW points (which is the highest they go, I measured out to 48 points) and I am now down to 41! Who knew having to eat less would feel like a NSV? I am so glad to have finally gotten below 350lbs! I felt like it was taking forever, but lets be honest, that was because I avoided weighing myself for two weeks!

So now, lets talk about that February goal. My goal, made on December 27th of '09 was to lose 25lbs by today's weigh-in. I did not meet my goal. I am exactly 9lbs short. But, um, I cant help but not be unhappy about that. 9lbs short means I lost 16.4 lbs. January was a bad month for me, I was so very depressed and down and just generally lagging behind the parade over here. In the whole month of January I lost a total of 2 lbs. I was afraid for a while there that I was going to give up, but I didn't, and here I am. I am 3.8lbs away from being lighter than I have been in probably over 10 years, and now, only 48.2lbs from 299. I don't know that my weight loss will always be this phenomenal (to me at least), and I am prepared for that eventuality, but I'm grateful for the rate of progress I am having.

I said I was going to make some new goals once I weighed in so here they are: Long term (no set date): 299lbs. Short term: 20lbs by May 2nd, which is another 9 weigh ins away. I don't think that this is an unrealistic goal, but it is a touch over 2lbs a week at 2.22 per week. At that rate it will take me 4 months (or 21 weeks) to get to 299.

That is all good news, but something bad did happen to me last night at Target that I forgot to talk about. Though I suppose forgetting about it even for a moment has to mean there has been some healing. My husband and I were in an isle with another family, some kids, and a husband and wife. I didn't even notice at first because quite honestly it has been a while since it happened or since I've noticed it happening but the kids, two teenage boys were making fun of me, loudly. I froze for a minute thinking that perhaps I was wrong, and then not knowing what to do. There is my husband talking about shower curtains obviously not hearing what is going on (though he was quite upset about it when I told him) and I was doing everything I could not to just burst into tears. So I left the isle and pretended to need to look at something else until I thought they were gone. First of all, this whole episode make me feel incredibly weak. I feel like I should have stood up for myself, but to who? Two hoodlums toddling along after their parents in a Target? Their parents maybe? I have a little bit of a temper when I get upset and I'm not sure that I could have handled any sort of confrontation correctly. I thought about all of that before leaving the isle. It makes me feel feeble like I said, but I think I made the only choice that wouldn't have left me feeling ridiculous. I also think that had I been by myself I would not have left the isle at all, but Chad was there, and I was so afraid he would hear them. I was afraid, if only for a moment, that he would be embarrassed by me, or ashamed of me. That, folks would honestly be all she wrote, I would be done. He is not ashamed of me, or embarrassed by me, and I feel kind of guilty for ever thinking it. In a single moment of weakness, in a single moment I almost let two nasty kids bend my self image out of shape again. I'm more than that, and if my husband knows it, shouldn't I? The lesson I think I am learning is something that my mother tried teaching me early on: No one can take anything away from you unless you let them. I was made fun of in a Target, less than 12 hours before making 70.6lbs lost. I still win.

After the meeting today I had a 60th birthday party brunch to attend, there was a lot of food there but I didn't do badly, and I even managed to share a slice of the birthday cake instead of eating a whole piece myself. I don't know the exact points for everything I ate, but I can list it off: 3 mini (the size of a silver dollar) mushroom and onion tarts, 1 brie and cheese tart (same size), some fresh fruit, a mini (deck of cards sized) egg salad sandwich, 1/2 of a mini (same size) ham sandwich, 1 chicken tender, and 2/5 of a slice of chocolate cake (Which was so good, I am so glad I was able to set that down!). I'm calling it 20 points, but I'm honestly not sure. I had 34 weekly points left though so even if I am wrong I think I'm okay.

I have so much to do this week (moving, packing, fixing the place we are moving to), my hopeful goal is to get to the gym 3 times, but I am going to aim for 4.

Today:
1 pack 100 calorie pretzels: 2
Alex's Mom's Birthday party: 20
4 oz spaghetti: 3
1 cup homemade veggie sauce: 3
1 slice cheese: 1
1 cup homemade vegetable chili: 4
1 slice cheese: 1
1 bag popcorn: 5
1 piece chocolate: 1
1 coffee with skim milk: 2
1 serving sw baked ziti: 6
48/41

Which leaves me with 27 extra points until Tuesday, which I think is so not bad. Good night!

P.S. I know I have been given some awards, and that I haven't gotten to them. Please don't feel as though I don't want them, or appreciate them, I just haven't gotten to posting them yet. Thank you so much for supporting me in all of this!

Day 119

This is going to be a shorter post than usual because my husband wants me to play the new Super Mario Brothers Wii with him. I've been putting him off since Christmas.

I am still working on this whole getting better thing. It involves so many things. I'm trying to redirect thoughts, and distinguish true hunger from boredom. I feel like I am back at the beginning here fighting for those first few inches. That isn't true though. I am still here with all of my progress, I'm just defining certain steps all over again for myself. I'll admit, it is really hard being back to being unsure and a little unsteady on my feet, but I'm learning the lesson that needs to be learned.

Also, my food has been great! I ate a lot of left overs today, but my veggies are up and my water intake is really up.

Today:
1 baked yam (small): 3
1 turkey burger: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving pumpkin butter: 1
1 medium salad w/ veggie burger pattie: 8
1 can vegetable soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 turkey burger: 2
1 serving turkey tenderloin: 3
1 serving corn on the cob: 2
1 serving low fat margarine: 1
1 serving green beans: 0
1 cup flavored rice: 5
Total for the Day: 35/43

I'm going to make some popcorn and settle in with Chad. Good night!

Day 112

Today was a very busy day. No gym time, but it was only cardio today. My moms car broke down a few days ago and I have been playing taxi service since then. Today her car was ready but I had to drive over an hour in both directions to get it and this was after the errands that needed to be ran anyway. Otherwise it was a pretty okay day. My husband's birthday is tomorrow, and usually I get him some sort of gigantic themed cake and ice cream. This year we are both trying to make better choices, but I didn't want him to miss out so I bought him the most decadent cupcake I could find. I might also buy him one of those mini cups of ben and jerrys that look like the big pints, but are really tiny. All of the indulgence without all of the added inches to his thighs. I am excited about it actually, I think he will appreciate it.

I'm excited about New Years Eve. We have some friends coming over (possibly) and we are getting some normally pretty off limits (money and calorie cost) food and watching movies and playing games.

Tomorrow is a circuit day at the gym, I cant miss it.

Today:
Cup french onion soup: 5
1 apple: 1
1 medium sized salad: 5
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving apple butter: 1
1/2 bag popcorn: 2
1 chocolate: 2
1 serving ww chili mac: 4
1 slice cheese: 1
"coffee" out with the girls:
2 cups hot chocolate: 6
nachos (split between 3 people): 13
Total for the Day: 43/43

Not bad. I am feeling a little back under the weather so to speak tonight. My throat is sore and my head feels groggy. I am praying that I'm not still sick, or sick again.

Day 82

Today was a slow and relaxing day for the most part. I feel more relaxed than I did a few days ago. I am looking forward to Christmas actually. I like the distraction. Its an automatic reason to be joyful and thankful and even excited. Yes, Christmas still excites me even as an adult. I'm hoping to handle Christmas the same way that I handled Thanksgiving. I'm going to have a great time and enjoy the traditions (food, presents etc) but not lose sight of my ultimate goals. I also don't want to put myself in a bad position mentally. I want to come through the rest of the Holidays guilt free. I will be cooking the whole meal on Christmas day, unlike Thanksgiving. I am going to try and plan out a Weight Watchers friendly meal, and dessert, while also trying to stay traditional to keep my family happy. I don't think they will know the difference honestly. Maybe I'll post some of my ideas here this week for some feedback.

My husband has asked about being allowed to have candy on Christmas this year. I told him that it wouldn't bother me. You have to understand how good he has been to understand my reasoning. Since we have gone on Weight Watchers he has stayed on plan, and never fallen off. Before weight watchers he ate candy every single day. That is not an exaggeration. Every night he brought home starburst or sour patch kids or something equally sugary. He honestly just loves candy, so does his father for that matter, Since we started counting points he hasn't binged on candy or asked for any, or complained about not having any. I really only like specific candy and so I don't feel that his having some on Christmas is going to affect me, and I trust him when he says just for the day. His journey is his own after all and he seems to be succeeding.

I wonder if there will ever be a day when my instincts switch over to eating just enough to be satisfied. Will there ever be a day when I can bring home a cheesecake and have just a slice, or none at all? Will I ever be able to go into a chinese food buffet and not over do it? More importantly will I ever accomplish these feats without thinking about it constantly? I certainly hope so. That will be one of the single most freeing days of my life I think.

Back to the gym Monday. Same goals as the week before last! Going for another 4 lbs! Also, my weigh in is tomorrow. I would be lying if I said I didn't hope to lose weight with all of my heart and soul, and I would be lying if I said I gave it my all this past week. I've been distracted and busy. Thus is the journey. I have a feeling if it was really easy it might not be worth doing, even though that sounds kinda funny. While my weight loss might not make a great showing I still feel as though the work I am doing on myself inside is making a major difference. I know that I am doing well, and will be trying to keep that in the front of my mind all day tomorrow. I would be pleased as punch to have just maintained tomorrow morning. Wish me luck!

Today:
Large (rather huge) salad: 6
3 tbsp light ranch: 3
1 can soup: 3
2 servings cheddar rice cakes: 5
1 serving cheese: 3
1 bowl of baked potato soup: 12
1 cup ice cream: 6
2 bites of second salad: 2
Total for the Day: 40/44
Leftover: 4

Day 76

So today was mixed! I weighed in today and lost 4lbs exactly! 1 pound shy of my goal for the week, but I still think that I did really well. This brings my total loss to 40lbs and my current weight is: 377.8. I promised new progress pictures at 40lbs, but I am so tired tonight, I will get them done in the morning.

Another NSV! I was going to dinner at Chad's aunt's house, and I could not for the life of me find anything I felt confident wearing. On a whim I decided to pull out the pants I bought back in March before going to New Orleans. I had been shopping for the trip, but had found the awesome pants on sale. When they didn't fit (they were 28s, not stretchy and I was almost in a 34) I bought them anyway. I told myself that as soon as the trip was over I was going to work to fit into those pants. It took my a while...but I got into them today! They arent tight either, they fit pretty perfectly! I'm pretty happy about that. I feel like it was a positive day.

Then the food. So today we finally let go of one of my grandfathers largest belongings today. The hospital bed. That was really hard, and I didn't see it coming. I have been concentrating so hard on making sure that my mother was ready and okay with it leaving (we gave it to a friend whose grandmother is in great need of it) that I never stopped to prepare myself to watch it go. Afterward the family who received the bed treated us to lunch...at the Golden Corral. That's right, twice in two days. No excuses, I didn't do too badly, and I got a ton of veggies in. Dinner at Aunt in law's house was pot roast, roasted potatoes and carrots, and steamed green beans. Not too bad right? His aunt has multiple sclerosis, and its advanced enough that her hands shake badly and she cant walk, but the woman baked a lemon cake from scratch. Yeah, I caved to guilt food. I don't feel too bad about it because I only had a small slice and there wasn't much icing, it was drizzled. Still my choices for the day could have been better.

Last night I was thinking about the last thing that my grandfather said to me before he died. I was there to pick my brother up, and he asked me when I was going to get around to having kids. Not in those exact words, but it still sliced right into me. I was irritated at the time and I left with him knowing it I'm sure. This is a two fold issue. I'm incredibly sad that I never had a chance to say anything else, but I'm equally if not more crushed that I never got to show him a great grandchild. He knows I love him. One more opportunity lost, one more door closed by my weight and how hopeless I felt. I feel like I have this period of my life that has just been stolen from me, but nothing was stolen I was just trapped! I was lost within that trap. I have been trying all of my life to find that magic reason or motivator that would be the difference between me failing and me making it and the missing piece of the puzzle was me. I was reading about another blogger who also feels like he has changed so much. I feel like if I could have read this a year ago I'd have laughed out loud in my own face. I did not feel like losing weight was a possibility for me anymore, I didn't want anything anymore. Now, with so much lost I feel like I need to hold on that much tighter to the things I could still have. I feel like I have options again, though I have to admit that in the first two weeks I had some serious doubts about this going anywhere. I am still amazed every single week at every single weigh in and with every NSV and good choice. I'm so proud of myself and I feel so awake inside. I feel real hope here, even though it still scares the size 28 pants off of me to feel hope at all.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 egg: 2
2 oz skillet steak: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
Huge serving spinach: 0
2 beat slices: 0
carrots: 0
1 green bell pepper ring: 0
broccoli: 0
cauliflower: 0
1/2 egg: 1
1/4th cup cheddar cheese: 2
pickles: 0
3 tbsp ranch: 4
1 serving meat loaf: 3
1/2 baked yam: 2
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0
1 serving steamed cauliflower: 0
1 serving steamed carrots: 0
1 serving bourbon chicken: 3
1/2 cup mashed potatoes: 3
1/2th cup (literally just a taste) corn bread stuffing: 4
1 serving habanero shrimp: 4
1 serving beef pot roast: 6
1 serving roasted potatoes and carrots: 4
1 serving steamed green beans: 0
1 slice lemon cake (argh): 5
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 3/35

Yeah I used 3 extra points tonight. I'm not really upset about it. Part of this is learning how to be good to yourself right? I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff when everything else is going smoothly.

Day 73

So today was very stressful. I did so much running that until after my husband was home I had only been home for like 2 hours tops all day long. I made it back to the gym and I did 1.84 miles on the treadmill in about 45 minutes. Then I got in 15 more minutes of brisk walking at the airport looking for a friend. So I got my 60 minutes in today fair and square. I have another 60 to go tomorrow and I will be officially at goal!

I have some worries for the weekend ahead though. Chad's father wants us to go to dinner with him on Saturday and his Aunt called to ask us to dinner on Sunday. Sunday shouldn't be too hard, she is making spaghetti. I can handle that, I know the points and such. Saturday is my wild card. I've asked Chad to try and get his dad to go somewhere other than the Golden Corral this time. I can eat at Chili's! I know the points values there, or even Applebees! They put the points values right on their menu! I don't know, I will deal with whatever comes my way. I just want to be really successful on Sunday this week.

Oh, and its raining again in Baltimore.

Today:
Sushi: 20 pts
1 Arnolds Sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 small light latte: 2
Lachoy Chicken chow mein: 3
1 serving brown rice: 4
1/2 bag frozen peppers: 0
2 chicken wings: 6
1 pizza bagel: 5
Total for the Day: 44/44

Day 69

Alrighty, I lost 3.4lbs this week. That brings my total to 36lbs. 5 more lbs and I will have hit my 10% mark! I will take progress photos at 40lbs lost. My husband has 8 more lbs to go until he hits goal. He is grumpy over losing another point. Good thing he's cute when he's grumpy...

Today was pretty okay. I used some of my extra points on popcorn at the theatre and a snack when I came home. It was on purpose and I don't feel bad about it. I am planning to step it up though for the rest of the week. I'm feeling better (though it might just be that it didn't rain today for the first time in almost a week! I can not stress this enough.) so I'm going to set goals for the rest of this week.

1st goal: 5 days of the gym, Monday - Friday.
2nd goal: 300 minutes of cardio, no excuses. That's an hour a day on the treadmill or other cardio activity.
3rd goal: 3 days of strength training, 3 to 4 sets on each machine. (Yeah, I'll take it easy, there are a few machines I simply can not do 4 sets on, and I wont hurt myself.)
4th goal: Sunlight. At least an hour a day, weather permitting. Even if its just sitting on the front porch reading, or getting some of my cardio in outside the gym. If the dreary weather really did dial me to zero I should keep abreast of that.
5th goal: Budget and not have to use any extra points this week.
6th goal: Actually post the things that I have learned this week. I haven't done that in a while and its way too easy to lose sight of what you have accomplished when you don't take the time to acknowledge it.

I'm not punishing myself. These are all things I have done in the last 69 days, but I have fallen away from them, and recently have felt like I was just towing the line. I want to push myself. I want my efforts to accurately reflect my commitment to this journey. There will be weeks where I cant keep this kind of a time commitment (the gym) going, but I will give it my best. I'm not starting over either, I don't need to, and I said I wouldn't. I'm just adding a little bit of momentum and "oomph" to the parade. It's time to brush off the confetti and continue marching.

Today:
1 egg: 1
1 slice turkey bacon: 1
1 slice cheese: 1
6 oz potatoes O'Brien: 2
1 bagel: 2
Sushi: 12
4 pan fried dumplings: 7
3 small pieces sesame chicken: 4
2 bites salmon (it was awful): 1
6 red grapes: 0
1 slice cantaloupe: 1
3 small tastes of brother's dessert plate: 2
1/2 small crab cake: 1
1 spring roll: 4
1 ww mini bar: 1
popcorn at the movies sans butter: 8
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 8/30
Leftover: 22/35

Day 60

First of all, this is actually day 60! Day 60!

Second I want to apologize for not updating on time these past two days, tonights update for day 61 will also come sometime tomorrow. The internet service here at Nekocon is terrible in the videogame tournament room, which is where I staff, and the hotel wants 10 bucks a day for their service...and really I'm only in the room long enough to have a snack and sleep. I know some of you cant imagine how this could possible be relaxing...but it is. Nekocon is the lazy con. We come down here to VA and we staff the videogaming section. We play all day and hang out with friends and at night we get to go back to a comfy hotel connected to the convention center and sleep. I am having a really good time. I just wish I could let go of the stress at home.

I have been staying on top of my points and I have been doing well so far. I'm not making good food choices and I haven't been able to exercise but I have been staying within my points allowance. This is a good test for Thanksgiving and Christmas, because really that is my plan for those days. Have fun, be responsible. I wont lose 60 days to one weekend.

I dont have my food journal with me at the convention, but I have been updating it every night before bed so I will add in all of my food lists on Sunday night when I make my Day 62 post hopefully from home.

Thanks so much you guys for sticking with me!

Today:
1 ww frozen meal: 6
1 chicken sandwich: 7
1 serv bbq: 1
2 bites mashed potato: 1
1/2 order chinese spare ribs w/ white rice: 25 (estimated using calorieking and the internet)
1 ww frozen meal: 5
Total for the Day: 44/45 and 1/35

Day 49

Today was really, really hard. Most of the day was really good. I had to get up 5 hours before normal, and I was going pretty much all day. I had a great breakfast, but didn't eat again until 6pm. So I was tired and hungry and just plain beat. I don't know about you, but sometimes when I am really tired I get really emotional. Add that to the fact that I should be getting my period in the next day or so and voila! You get me today. This is all really important because of what I realized today. I realized today while trying to figure why after a nice sized lunch I was still so hungry, even an hour later, that I have lost my coping mechanism. I got so upset over nothing this evening when I was picking my husband up. I was still so unsatisfied and I was feeling absolutely nuts over it. I was looking for something to replace my emotional dependence on food subconsciously. I felt the need to binge my heart out, but I didn't. It is so funny that I realized that before what happened this evening...

My room mate (the same one who told me I was lazy because I let someone else clean my house) came home drunk tonight. He was talking about a lot of things and then he got on the subject of weight. He said the whole house could do better than they are. Then he insinuated that I have been doing badly because I "have been on a diet for a year." So 27.4lbs in like 5 or 6 weeks is what? Not enough? He also thinks that I am not losing fast enough, and that again I could do more. Some background? Tell me who you know that weighs over 400lbs that does not think about dieting constantly? Yes, for over a year now, for over 10 years now I have been trying to lose weight. No, I have not been successful. I could come up with over 100 reasons why this is the case, but honestly I was just not ready. You cant just want it. It isn't enough. I didn't need it yet, I wasn't desperate enough yet. The point is that this is so personal. I didn't just get out of bed one day and decide to start dropping weight. It took a long time, and a lot of self measuring to make the kind of commitment I feel I've made here. What he finally said before I lost it and left the house (apparently slamming the door hard enough to knock something loose) was: "You could do more than sit around all day blogging and going to the gym for two hours every day." So I told him that honestly the gym, for two hours a day just about finishes me off. Its about all I can do right now. This is not to say that it will be this way forever, but seriously? He shook his head and said: "No it isn't." That was it for me. I just left, I was so sick to my stomach, and hurt, and honestly shocked. I could hear my husband yelling at him from outside the house.

Honestly, I feel like I have done well. I feel like I have made progress, and I have been so good. I have been open and honest about my food, and I am doing things on this diet that I have never done before. Portion control, meetings, an award winning weight loss program, and more exercise than I have done in over 4 years. Sometimes I doubt myself without anyone else helping. I don't need someone raining all over my diet parade!

I feel incredibly raw right now, but I'm not angry anymore. That doesn't get me anywhere but back at the starting line looking for a coping placebo again. I really don't want this blog to be about drama, but I think its important for everyone including myself to be able to look back and see the kind of adversity and strife we face, even from inside our comfort zones. To be able to come back to the situation a year from now having learned something from it wouldn't be such a waste. I also think its important to get it out, and not let stew in my brain until its actively hurting me.

Today:
1 whole wheat bagel: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
1 egg: 2
1 1/2 oz lean steak: 2
10 bbq meat balls: 6
1 can soup: 7
1/2 orange: 1
1 slice cheese; 1
1 serving cheddar rice cakes: 2
1 serving mango salsa: 0
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving italian cheese: 2
2 tbsp spaghetti sauce: 1
Chicken and green bean casserole: 10
spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving salad topper: 1
1 serving cheese: 1
1 serving dressing: 2
1 serving ice cream: 1
1 serving lite cool whip: 1
Total for the Day: 44/44

Wow. I totally over did the dairy today, or rather...the cheese. I guess I didn't do too badly though. I'm going to try and not get down on myself as much anymore. I'm going to continue doing my self checking, and preparing for anything though. I think that has been helpful thus far.

Since today has been so bad (in the end) I am going to post those recipes tomorrow, and go to bed early tonight.

Day 44

Bear with me, this blog post is going to be hard for me.

This is my husband (during our first anniversary actually), he is on this journey with me even though he has a lot less far to go. Before he and I married in 2007 he weighed between 140 and 150, and earlier this year he weighed 193. Being married and happy does indeed help to make you plump, especially when your wife loves cooking! He doesn't like dieting at all, to the point of sometimes being a downright grouch about it, but he loves me and we both want to grow old together in hopefully relatively good health. After thinking about his weight, and when I finally got serious about losing weight myself, he gave up cereal (a staple for him). Just giving up cereal he lost 13lbs. Then on Weight Watchers with me he has lost 15 more pounds. He is proud of me and my weight loss, and my greatest alli in this struggle. I met my husband for the first time when I was 12. I fell madly in love with him and to the dismay of probably both of our mothers we started "dating". Or rather, as much dating as a 12 and 14 year old can do. By the time I was 16 we had both (sort of) moved on, and we really never saw each other. I spent some time with him when I was 19, but after that the lines went dead. In that time of my life I was becoming more and more aware of the lack of that kind of (more grown up) love in my life. I was so sure that no one could ever love me because of my weight. I didn't love me, so how could anyone else. It's a dark place to live in, alone and afraid of life. My most ambitious goal back then was to just get through the day without embarrassing myself for needing to sit down at work, or not being able to move as much as everyone else. My favorite part of the day was late at night after I came home from work, alone, with a rented movie and dinner. Food and solitude. I know it sounds bad, it was. I berated myself constantly, and didn't let myself hope for anything, or expect anymore than to be ignored, made fun of or forgotten. Chad never ignored me, or made fun of me. He never forgot me, and he did indeed love me. He told me that he always knew it had to be me. Chad lit up my life and gave me something to look forward to every single day, and I can not thank him, or God, enough. Could I have taken this journey without him? Sure. Would I have wanted to? I don't know. I am taking it though, and I want every minute of it, and that ladies and gentlemen is in fact enough.

There is still a part of me that wants to run back to the seeming safety of "food and solitude" with it's delayed judgment and fake freedom, but I know better. I want better. I have spent years building a wall around myself. I just kept doing what I wanted without ever really thinking about the outcome. Now I want things in life that I cant have while encased in my giant shelter. Now I have to climb out. Losing weight alone isn't going to make me happy or content, or settled. I need all kinds of smaller pieces to make the bigger picture. I think that is what I need to keep in mind, the bigger picture. Today (or yesterday) is just one small piece, one step on the walk or climb, and I get more sure about my footing with every step I take. I need the whole journey... and a boatload of patience.

Yesterday I was stressing out and doubting myself (as I am sure will happen again before this is all over and done with), but today I feel better. I don't know if that is a woman thing or just a dieting thing. ;) I had a much better day today. I did in fact make it to the gym! I did my two miles and my whole circuit. It made me feel so much better just to get active and move and be proactive about losing weight. I skip Saturdays and Sundays, so it had been 4 whole days without the gym. I missed it!

Today:
1 cup cooked oatmeal: 2
1/2 cup blueberries: 1
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 can soup: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
10 cheddar rice cakes: 2
1 arnolds sand. thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 pudding: 2
1 banana: 2
1 whole wheat bagel: 2
1 tbsp light mayo: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving turkey: 2
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 tsp mustard: 0
1 serving bbq soy crisps: 2
1 serving chicken and green bean casserole: 5
1 baked yam w/ teriyaki sauce: 4
1 arnolds sand. thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella
1 serving jam: 1
1 serving ice cream: 2
Total for the Day: 42/44
Leftover: 2

I can live with that!

Day 43

So I am having an issue here. I went out with my husband tonight as part of our week long celebration, and we had an amazing dinner at DuClaw. Now, I used almost all of my extra points tonight on that dinner. In fact, I planned to. we both had a great time, it isnt often that we go to really nice places like that because of our schedule. Tell me why now, at 2am I am flipping out about my points? I think the angst started to set in around midnight actually. I feel like I did something wrong! I didn't though. Weight Watchers gives you the extra points for nights out and oopsies and general splurges. I still followed most of my rules (except the know your points before you go thing, Duclaw has no info up, which makes me mad), and Chad and I took a short walk before bed. Other than that meal I did well today. Now I'm sitting here at 2am picking fights with my husband because I feel bad about myself. God, does the cycle ever end? I know it takes longer than 43 days, but will I ever feel different about food? Will I ever be able to look at food differently and not equate it with how I feel about myself?

So I'm going to try and let this go now. I'm so very glad I have this blog and that people actually read it because tonight you helped me. I was sorely tempted to come home and just go to bed and not update. Out the window with my accountability right? Then it would have been easy to never update and give in to the landslide side of this uphill battle. Crap. I can't give up. I just don't want to gain weight. Ever again. I know that almost no one goes through their journey with nothing but loss all of the time, but that doesn't mean it wont bother me. This week has been hard for me. My schedule is completely off, I've been missing the gym too. I don't feel like I've quit or anything, I feel like I need to be honest with myself and say its going to be hard to do this week. Hopefully I will get there tomorrow while my husband is helping his father with some work. I have to keep planning to, I cant let myself get used to the idea that I don't always have to go, because really, I do have to.

So I feel better now that I have gotten all of that off of my chest, I'm going to post the food list with the (hopefully overestimated using WW e-tools) points values attached. I'm calling my extra weekly points done until next Tuesday though, just in case I was off.

Today:
1 serving Kashi Sunshine: 1
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 slice bread: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
DuClaw:
1/2 crab pretzel appetizer: 20
1/2 beer: 3
BBQ Beef Brisket Sandwich (removed bread and estimated at 8oz of beef): 26
1 plain baked potato (large): 4
1/2 brownie dessert: 6
1/2 medium popcorn (3 hours later at movies): 6
Home:
1 small spinach salad: 2
1 light yogurt: 2
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 32/35 extra points
Leftover: Nothing!

I'm not trying to beat myself up, I'm just trying to air it all out so I can more forward and stop fretting about a having had a great time. I'm going to face that scale Sunday regardless.

2nd celebration day down, and thank goodness the rest don't have much to do with food!

Day 41

Again, no drama, just relief. I lost 5.6 lbs this week! That brings me to a total of 24.6lbs lost, and runs right over my 5% goal. Right now I weigh 393.2. I have 16.4 more lbs to lose before I hit my 10% goal. I'm making my goals 20lbs at a time. So I feel like I am surmounting small hills and slowly closing in on that mountain. I'm riding high right now, because I lost well this week, but I feel like I should reflect a bit on last week. .4lbs lost. It hurt at the time, but it pulled me out of complacency. Its easy to start feeling too secure if you know what I mean. Its almost like our weight loss to date becomes a protecting cushion that we use to make us feel easier about being a touch less diligent in our journey. I'm not saying that it wont happen again or even if it does that it makes me (or you or anyone) a bad person or less worthy of weight loss. I'm saying I'm grateful for having the ability to see the lesson in it.

Today the online weight loss tracker told me that I was losing weight too fast, and that I should try and slow it down. I just want to say that I am not doing anything unhealthy or against the rules (can you hear my rolled 'r'?). I am following points values and exercising like my life depends on it...because it does. I'm eating better than I probably have in years even with low carb a few years ago, and I can walk without needing life support! I probably wont have 6lb weeks all of the time, but I am certainly not going to actively work to make the ones I do have go away. I have so far to go, and I know it wont all be this fast. I'll take it while it lasts.

I have had a pretty good day. Chad drove me to WW this morning because I was so nervous. Last night I cried about the idea of facing that scale again, and he told me, quietly, that if it really upset me that much that I didn't have to go. I'm so proud of my first thought! I thought: "Yes I do!" It was another moment of self measurement. YES, I was chagrined by my previous showing, and I actually felt real shame at those numbers. The days following were so hard. I felt like a pretender to the journey, you know? I wasn't, though it took some time to realize that, and I knew I would be if I didn't go this morning. I don't know how many people this is a struggle for, but for me its paramount. I put so much of my self worth into those 3 digits on the scale. Another battle to win.

I did lose weight though, and more and more I am finding that I am really beginning to enjoy the meetings. There are so many different experiences there, and everyone has such a great sense of humor about weight and food that its just so easy to be comfortable there. The meetings are a great asset and I'm so glad I joined.

Monday starts my gym cycle over and Tuesday is the beginning of my week. I'm really starting to wonder if I shouldn't just change that to Sundays too, since I weigh in then, but so far so good. I don't know if I am ready to change anything yet.

Home with the hubby all day and we managed to not eat out once! Savings on the points and the wallet...

Today:
1 large salad from the grocery store salad bar: 7pts
9 BBQ soy crisps: 1pts
1 ww yogurt: 1pts
1/2 box frozen fried rice: 5pts
1.5 frozen egg rolls: 5pts
Lachoy Beef Chow Mein: 3pts
1 yoplait light yogurt: 2pts
1 boca burger (eh, dont think I'll buy it again.): 1pts
1 light english muffin: 2pts
1 pudding: 2pts
2 servings meatless broccoli casserole: 7pts
1 morning star pizza burger (buy these!): 2pts
1 "lighter" english muffin: 1pts
1 serving meatless broccoli casserole: 4pts
Total for the day: 44/44 & 1/33
Leftover 32/35 extra

Thank GOODNESS we are going to the grocery store tomorrow! I am running out of options!