The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Day 44

Bear with me, this blog post is going to be hard for me.

This is my husband (during our first anniversary actually), he is on this journey with me even though he has a lot less far to go. Before he and I married in 2007 he weighed between 140 and 150, and earlier this year he weighed 193. Being married and happy does indeed help to make you plump, especially when your wife loves cooking! He doesn't like dieting at all, to the point of sometimes being a downright grouch about it, but he loves me and we both want to grow old together in hopefully relatively good health. After thinking about his weight, and when I finally got serious about losing weight myself, he gave up cereal (a staple for him). Just giving up cereal he lost 13lbs. Then on Weight Watchers with me he has lost 15 more pounds. He is proud of me and my weight loss, and my greatest alli in this struggle. I met my husband for the first time when I was 12. I fell madly in love with him and to the dismay of probably both of our mothers we started "dating". Or rather, as much dating as a 12 and 14 year old can do. By the time I was 16 we had both (sort of) moved on, and we really never saw each other. I spent some time with him when I was 19, but after that the lines went dead. In that time of my life I was becoming more and more aware of the lack of that kind of (more grown up) love in my life. I was so sure that no one could ever love me because of my weight. I didn't love me, so how could anyone else. It's a dark place to live in, alone and afraid of life. My most ambitious goal back then was to just get through the day without embarrassing myself for needing to sit down at work, or not being able to move as much as everyone else. My favorite part of the day was late at night after I came home from work, alone, with a rented movie and dinner. Food and solitude. I know it sounds bad, it was. I berated myself constantly, and didn't let myself hope for anything, or expect anymore than to be ignored, made fun of or forgotten. Chad never ignored me, or made fun of me. He never forgot me, and he did indeed love me. He told me that he always knew it had to be me. Chad lit up my life and gave me something to look forward to every single day, and I can not thank him, or God, enough. Could I have taken this journey without him? Sure. Would I have wanted to? I don't know. I am taking it though, and I want every minute of it, and that ladies and gentlemen is in fact enough.

There is still a part of me that wants to run back to the seeming safety of "food and solitude" with it's delayed judgment and fake freedom, but I know better. I want better. I have spent years building a wall around myself. I just kept doing what I wanted without ever really thinking about the outcome. Now I want things in life that I cant have while encased in my giant shelter. Now I have to climb out. Losing weight alone isn't going to make me happy or content, or settled. I need all kinds of smaller pieces to make the bigger picture. I think that is what I need to keep in mind, the bigger picture. Today (or yesterday) is just one small piece, one step on the walk or climb, and I get more sure about my footing with every step I take. I need the whole journey... and a boatload of patience.

Yesterday I was stressing out and doubting myself (as I am sure will happen again before this is all over and done with), but today I feel better. I don't know if that is a woman thing or just a dieting thing. ;) I had a much better day today. I did in fact make it to the gym! I did my two miles and my whole circuit. It made me feel so much better just to get active and move and be proactive about losing weight. I skip Saturdays and Sundays, so it had been 4 whole days without the gym. I missed it!

Today:
1 cup cooked oatmeal: 2
1/2 cup blueberries: 1
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 can soup: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
10 cheddar rice cakes: 2
1 arnolds sand. thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 pudding: 2
1 banana: 2
1 whole wheat bagel: 2
1 tbsp light mayo: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving turkey: 2
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 tsp mustard: 0
1 serving bbq soy crisps: 2
1 serving chicken and green bean casserole: 5
1 baked yam w/ teriyaki sauce: 4
1 arnolds sand. thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella
1 serving jam: 1
1 serving ice cream: 2
Total for the Day: 42/44
Leftover: 2

I can live with that!

6 comments:

G said...

Great Post! By the time I was about 20 I had almost learned to accept that I was never gonna get married, who would bother with me?

(I'm married now though =D )

Patsy said...

You post made me cry when I first read it this morning...

From the outside, the thought that someone could think they were unloveable just because they're overweight seems ridiculous, but it's VERY real when you're the overweight person... From my perspective looking back, I deliberately kept people at arm's length to avoid being hurt. That didn't stop me getting married, however, although I'm now divorced (but still really good friends with my ex) then getting together with my partner and having a baby together. :o)

Craig's not at all photogenic, sadly (but then neither am I!) but my friends and sisters keep telling me 'how good looking' he is, and I've been aware when we're out together of feeling inadequate because he's slim, fit and handsome, and I was (still am to a certain extent) feeling fat, unfit and ugly by comparison! However, the further I get in my journey, the better I'm feeling and my body is improving every day, and now my face is slimming, so are my looks! I can't get away with a fat face, although some big women are beautiful. :o)

Rettakat said...

This was a touching post to me, too. It really gets to the heart of the matter, and how we feel so UN-lovable, and have a hard time believing someone else loves us when even WE don't love ourselves!

Ah, yes...food and solitude, at night when everyone else is sleeping...yep...

I think those old feelings change when we actually DO something to lose the weight, and we gain self-respect. I loved this post, it was rich!
Loretta

Anonymous said...

YOU CAN DO THIS!!! :D

CinciMom11 said...

Keep it up, girl! You are so right about the FAKE FREEDOM of food and solitude. I really miss that not-so-dynamic duo sometimes.

Scarlet Simple said...

I just want to thank everyone for their comments here. I wont comment back because I cant without crying!

So thanks everyone, I appreciate the support and friendship. Thank you.