The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Day 37

Today was a much better day. I still feel incredibly run down, but I got to relax for most of the day before heading to the gym. I only did 2 miles at the gym today, but I feel pretty good about that. I also did my circuit. I always feel super relaxed right after the gym. It's like being intensely tired. I'm relaxed to the bone! Now that is a plus side.

I feel like I have done better so far this week, but only time and that Sunday weigh in will tell. I'll admit, I'm a little afraid. I wont let it stop me, but if it doesn't move more this time I will have a harder time figuring out my mistakes I think. I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid of not being able to lose. I know that sounds crazy, but I am afraid of trying so hard and being stuck at 398.8.

I've been thinking a lot about children today. Chad and I tried for over a year before I finally gave in to the fact that I have no chance of it happening unless I lose weight. I am holding out hope that losing weight does it for us. Besides being able to get pregnant I want to be able to carry my child without health problems. I want to be able to make the choices I want and not the choices that doctors want because I am fat. I don't want to talk too much about this here because it drives me so hard and that isn't what this blog is about. This blog is about getting there. I'll be honest though, this is one of my biggest motivations. Sometimes when I think I can not possibly go another minute on the treadmill I try to focus on imagining what my daughters face might look like. When I walk past the ice cream at the grocery store I try and remember my goal, and that ice cream will always be there. I don't need to eat it all right now.

My name is Ruby, and I weighed 417.8lbs. I am a person, with hopes and dreams and friends and family. I love and I am loved by more than just food. I do not love food. I need to stop saying it. If anything I hate the control I have given to food over the years. I hate what I have let myself become from the constant need for gratification through food. I love myself, and I can beat this. One lb at a time if need be. I can't lie, I will always be impatient and I will never like losing slowly, but I will never give up again. I have way too much to hope for.

1 whole wheat bagel: 2pts
1 serving cheese: 1pts
1 serving rice cakes: 2pts
1 banana: 2pts
1 can soup (I eat a lot of soup these days): 5pts
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1pts
1 laughing cow cheese wedge: 1pts
1 serving turkey: 2pts
1 serving baby carrots: 0pts
1 serving dip: 1pts
1 serving pickles: 0pts
1 ww yogurt: 1pts
2 pizza turnovers (By Molly): 9pts
1 serving mashed cauliflower: 1pts
1 triple berry smoothie: 4pts
1 can soup: 5pts
1 serving rice cakes: 2pts
1 jello chocolate mousse: 1pts
Total for the Day: 43/44
Leftover: 1

I had a good amount of downtime today and it helped me to refocus on my goals and touch base with my motivations. I can do better, and so I will.


Rayne said...

I love you Ruby.

(and if all else fails I'll birth a child for you.... just don't ask me to babysit)

But dont give up, you will lose the weight, and you and Chad will have lots of babies and your gonna make me babysit and change diapers and hold them while they cry... and Ill complain and whine and you know what? Ill do it anyway cause I loves you.

Never give up, if I cant give up you cant... are we clear? or do I have to come beat you with the happy stick... no emo for you.. as you put it Im cornering the market.

Scarlet Simple said...

Ha! Ashley you so made me laugh! Happy stick! That's great! Will beating me with the happy stick make you start coming back over? 'Cause I misses you!

I wont give up, ever. (And thus someday we will both be skinny b*tches. :) Because you aren't allowed to give up either! And since I forgot...CONGRATS ON YOUR LOSS!!!!)

Rettakat said...

Oh Ruby, I am so glad to meet you!! I always felt there was this curtain up before, a shield, and I wished I knew your real name. But I wanted to respect your privacy and not ask.

Posting your start weight is takes courage. But that fact that you did it tells me you are rock solid in your determination to DO learn and grow and keep going.

You have a wonderful motivation to keep in mind. And a built-in babysit all lined up..LOL!!

CinciMom11 said...

You motivation and drive are amazing! You are in this for the right reasons. Stick with it, girl! You are doing a fantastic job. Don't let a stubborn scale make you think otherwise! Keep up the hard work!