The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Day 49

Today was really, really hard. Most of the day was really good. I had to get up 5 hours before normal, and I was going pretty much all day. I had a great breakfast, but didn't eat again until 6pm. So I was tired and hungry and just plain beat. I don't know about you, but sometimes when I am really tired I get really emotional. Add that to the fact that I should be getting my period in the next day or so and voila! You get me today. This is all really important because of what I realized today. I realized today while trying to figure why after a nice sized lunch I was still so hungry, even an hour later, that I have lost my coping mechanism. I got so upset over nothing this evening when I was picking my husband up. I was still so unsatisfied and I was feeling absolutely nuts over it. I was looking for something to replace my emotional dependence on food subconsciously. I felt the need to binge my heart out, but I didn't. It is so funny that I realized that before what happened this evening...

My room mate (the same one who told me I was lazy because I let someone else clean my house) came home drunk tonight. He was talking about a lot of things and then he got on the subject of weight. He said the whole house could do better than they are. Then he insinuated that I have been doing badly because I "have been on a diet for a year." So 27.4lbs in like 5 or 6 weeks is what? Not enough? He also thinks that I am not losing fast enough, and that again I could do more. Some background? Tell me who you know that weighs over 400lbs that does not think about dieting constantly? Yes, for over a year now, for over 10 years now I have been trying to lose weight. No, I have not been successful. I could come up with over 100 reasons why this is the case, but honestly I was just not ready. You cant just want it. It isn't enough. I didn't need it yet, I wasn't desperate enough yet. The point is that this is so personal. I didn't just get out of bed one day and decide to start dropping weight. It took a long time, and a lot of self measuring to make the kind of commitment I feel I've made here. What he finally said before I lost it and left the house (apparently slamming the door hard enough to knock something loose) was: "You could do more than sit around all day blogging and going to the gym for two hours every day." So I told him that honestly the gym, for two hours a day just about finishes me off. Its about all I can do right now. This is not to say that it will be this way forever, but seriously? He shook his head and said: "No it isn't." That was it for me. I just left, I was so sick to my stomach, and hurt, and honestly shocked. I could hear my husband yelling at him from outside the house.

Honestly, I feel like I have done well. I feel like I have made progress, and I have been so good. I have been open and honest about my food, and I am doing things on this diet that I have never done before. Portion control, meetings, an award winning weight loss program, and more exercise than I have done in over 4 years. Sometimes I doubt myself without anyone else helping. I don't need someone raining all over my diet parade!

I feel incredibly raw right now, but I'm not angry anymore. That doesn't get me anywhere but back at the starting line looking for a coping placebo again. I really don't want this blog to be about drama, but I think its important for everyone including myself to be able to look back and see the kind of adversity and strife we face, even from inside our comfort zones. To be able to come back to the situation a year from now having learned something from it wouldn't be such a waste. I also think its important to get it out, and not let stew in my brain until its actively hurting me.

1 whole wheat bagel: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
1 egg: 2
1 1/2 oz lean steak: 2
10 bbq meat balls: 6
1 can soup: 7
1/2 orange: 1
1 slice cheese; 1
1 serving cheddar rice cakes: 2
1 serving mango salsa: 0
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving italian cheese: 2
2 tbsp spaghetti sauce: 1
Chicken and green bean casserole: 10
spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving salad topper: 1
1 serving cheese: 1
1 serving dressing: 2
1 serving ice cream: 1
1 serving lite cool whip: 1
Total for the Day: 44/44

Wow. I totally over did the dairy today, or rather...the cheese. I guess I didn't do too badly though. I'm going to try and not get down on myself as much anymore. I'm going to continue doing my self checking, and preparing for anything though. I think that has been helpful thus far.

Since today has been so bad (in the end) I am going to post those recipes tomorrow, and go to bed early tonight.


Rayne said...

Soooo Im gonna say this once and only once FUCK NICK. Fuck him and his Im better then everyone attitude. hes not Nick can be a nice guy but hes a piece of shit when it comes to some things and Ill just stop before I get into the rant as to him paying for a online game and for barely anything else... now back to reading the blog I stopped at Nick's bullshit...

Betsey C. said...

Oh you poor thing. I have one suggestion for you -- do not EVER try to have a conversation with a drunk person.

Drunk people never have anything intelligent to say, they only spew garbage, and it usually comes from self-hatred. If a drunk person wants to have a heart-to-heart with you, leave the room or leave the house.

This suggestion comes right from the pages of an Al-Anon pamphlet, and it is so true.

Good luck to you on your journey. And try to relax, because you're doing great.

A Daunting Tale of Scale Warfare said...

I want to kick your roommate in the head. Who the eff are they to decide how well youre doing and how fast you should be losing weight? Is he a personal trainer? A nutritionist? Etc? Likely not. What a tool. Seriously, I want to scream.

Youre doing flipping awesome. 27 lbs in 5-6 weeks is way ahead of program, so obviously you arent slacking! I too have been on a diet (on and off and off and off and on) for ohhhhhhhh 18 years. Sucks, I want to be done dieting.

Patsy said...

You are doing brilliantly! And don't let some arsehole of a room-mate tell you otherwise.

Some people are very strange. All the time you try and fail they appear to be supportive. As soon as you manage to do something successfully (as you are doing) they berate and belittle you. I think the word I'm looking for is 'jealousy'...

Rayne said...

and the rest of my Comment since Im not tooo tired to read and type now.

I think you are doing amazing I am in complete awe of the accomplishments you have made.
I dont care what people say dieting isnt easy, and Ruby it took you what 25? 26 years to put that weight on you, its gonna take more then 'a year' to take it off. your doing more then most people eating right and going to the gym. your walking more, last time we went to the mall we walked around for hours compaired to the time before that when we went to torrid and all us fat bitches made it to torrid and felt like we were gonna die and we had to take breaks 3 times on the way and back to the car. I mean come on right there is proof that you. and us. are making strides at being healthier.

YOU are an amazing person and you posting your blogs makes me HAPPY keeps me going so I can keep you going, I sit up till 3 am and wait for your blog post ("I'm looking at you through the glass dont know how much time has past, oh god feels like forever.....")

Keep blogging Ruby, keep eating what your eating, keep going to the gym and letting it kill you over and over again every night cause you know what one day your gonna go to the gym and your gonna kick its ass and your gonna come home and sit down on the sofa take a few moments to relax and ponder the fact that zomg I just kicked the gyms ass then youll get up go make something uber healthy for dinner eat blog and watch some damn TV (or play left for dead) cause you know what YOU deserve it!

but seriously on the Nick topic? what does he do all day besides self destruct in your basement somewhere you let him stay out of the kindness of your heart. now if it would have been me he said that to I would have kicked his ass out then and there and told him not to come back, his shit would be on the porch the next morning.

I may come over tonight but Im so mad at Nick I may yell at him and say not nice things and punch him in the face for his idiocy.

Dont dwell on anything he has said hes a drunk/drug addict who doesnt do anything with his life I mean come on he sits in the basement and plays LoTRO thats not even a real game, respecteable people sit around do nothing and play WoW. now those, those are good people those are people that love their friends and respect them enough to support their choices that help them along the way and that cheer their friends on when they need it... (do I need to go get pom poms and start cheering?)

I love you Ruby please dont be sad about Dick head. (his new nick name is Dickwadious by the way)

<3 *hugs* and if you dont cheer up Im gonna drive over in my PJs and hug you till you smile. and not one of those fake smiles to get me to let go I know the difference missy I invented those smiles...

CinciMom11 said...

Two hours in the gym on a daily basis is enough to kick anyone's butt. You are doing so much and working so hard. You're one of my weight-loss heroes!

Would it be inappropriate for me to use your address to track down this effer and rearrange his face? He must really be struggling with some deeply personal issues to be so critical of your grand efforts.

Tony said...

I dunno what to say, I'm relly sorry to hear this and that this happened. He is a major ass when he's drunk, to put it lightly. Some people have major issues of their own and it is easy to point out others' issues as a means of dodging one's own issues. When a person has a physical issue it is even easier to tear them down as it is easily apparent and more or less impossible to argue its existence. We all have issues, and honestly a weight issue may be harmful to you in the long run (though you are commendably handling it), major character flaws can be difficult to identify and easier to dodge or ignore. You're doing great Ruby, keep it up and don't let any haters get you down, channel those emotions into productivity, turn it around, don't let it get you down. I'm sure you know all of this already, but I hope it helps to hear it from a third party.