Day 337

Still here, still going on.

I haven't made it back to the gym yet, despite wanting to. I feel like I am stuck and I don't quite know how to get moving again. I'm not gaining, so don't panic. I'm still on plan. I'm just not doing as well as before and I'm not losing.

I have an appointment to see my obgyn this month and 2 more to recheck my triglycerides. I feel like I'm coming to a cross roads here. I need one more year on birth control. I need it. Emotionally I cant handle this battle and the one that drives me to have kids at the same time. Now this will only be the end of my first year ever (in my life) on birth control, but now I'm wondering if it isn't what is elevating my triglycerides (research).

I'm also dealing with (still) the emotional fallout (all of my own doing) from everyone around me having babies or getting pregnant. It is way to easy to forget that it could happen, and that I am actively preventing now in order to make it more likely later. Its easy to trip and fall into that dark hole. I find myself needing to pull away socially in certain situations. I know, I know. I need to get up and stop crying and run towards my dreams and goals instead of whining about it and letting it get away from me.

What am I doing? I can not tell you how many times in the last few weeks this has been the thought in the front of my mind. I need to kick my own but into gym gear. Into commitment gear. I haven't given up, but dang have I ever let some of the direction go. Here I am looking in the mirror again, but now things have changed and the picture is feeling kind of fuzzy.

I've said it a million times, but don't give up on me. I am determined to lose the rest of my weight, and my burden. I'm not taking my time on purpose. I think that its just life.

Today:
1 homemade burger w cheese no bun: 6
sauted onions and peppers: 1
1 waffle: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 1/2 servings cheddar rice crisps: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 banana: 2
1 cup watermelon: 1
1 cup rice: 4
1 serving sauted green beans with peppers and onions: 1
1 serving crock pot cantonese pork: 7
1/2 serving dinner (pork, greenbeans, and rice): 7
38/38 + 1/23 (used some this week)

Day 309

What was your "last straw"?

I read through a really interesting thread on the Weight Watchers boards tonight. The original poster talked about how she experienced what she thought should be her last straw, but that she had experienced things like that before. She was asking what everyone thought her problem was, and what everyone else considered their "last straw".

I don't think there is anything "wrong" with you if you are experiencing this. In fact, I think it's pretty normal. Yes, we (most of us) eventually come to a place in time, or a moment that sends us over that uncertain edge toward real weight loss and lifelong health, but that doesn't mean we haven't had several wake up calls in the mean time. The fact of the matter is that until we are ready to change and make sacrifices we aren't ready to make it. So you don't like writing down what you eat, you don't like cooking, you don't like going out when it's really hot, you don't like vegetables or you just don't feel like the effort. Then you are currently in waiting. You are waiting for your brain to catch up with your body. Your body already knows that it is suffering, but your brain still thinks of suffering as giving up daily ice cream, or walking to the mail box instead of driving.

When I was in middle school the kids used to make fun of me by stomping on the floor as I walked by. It wasn't enough.

When I was in high school I could not get through gym class, and I once heard one of my classmates tell the boy I had a crush on: "If I ever get that big, promise me you will kill me." It wasn't enough.

After high school I had wake up after wake up. Not being able to walk, not being able to buy clothes. Breaking lawn furniture, my bed. Not being able to fit into a seat on the bus, not being able to wear a seat belt. I was not able to fit in the desk/chair combos at school. It was not enough.

I weighed 384lbs the first time I ever became serious about losing weight, and I lost 45lbs. It wasn't enough. I lost momentum, and my heart wasn't in it. I was not determined and I had no idea what it meant to not quit. At that point in my life I had quit every single thing I had ever started. I felt like perfection was the only mark that made a winner, and I was wrong. It was easier to let the progress go than it was to forgive myself and make the sacrifice.

I weighed over 400lbs when I went to New Orleans and was almost unable to see the things I wanted to because of not being able to walk. It was not enough.

I weighed over 400lbs when I realized that I would never be able to have children like this. I was over 400lbs when I realized that I would never ride a bike again, or a roller coaster. That I would never run, or jog, or walk my dogs. I realized at over 400lbs that I had no future. Everything I had ever dreamed of was gone. Nothing was possible. I made a doctors appointment, and their scale could not weigh me. I had to go to the mall and pay to weigh in on a scale that went up to 500lbs. I got birth control, and while I was waiting for it to be filled I sat mourning the person I never was.

Apparently, that was enough.

I will never ever forget that day. I feel like it has been burned into the deepest part of my brain and all of the newly formed pathways lead me right back to that place. I will never be that girl again, but I will never forget her. She was my "last straw".

You wont make all of the sacrifices all of the time. That's pretty normal. I wont go for a walk in a thunderstorm and you know what? Sometimes I have ice cream, sometimes I even have it every day. All of the things you think you are going to lose, or hate or just wont be able to deal with - they are so superficial! Besides that they are just not true. Worse case scenario: You eat less ice cream, or less fat ice cream. You walk when it isn't raining, and you try your best to forgive yourself so that you can keep going after deciding on eating a whole pint of ice cream, or skipping the gym longer than you should. It never has to be the end unless you decide to give up. I made my decision about a year ago sitting outside the pharmacy at Wal-Mart looking at a girl mourning herself. I wasn't ready for a funeral. How about you?

Today:
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 fiber one yogurt: 0
1/3 serving pot roast: 2
1 serving potato: 3
1 serving carrots: 0
1 green giant just for one frozen broccoli and cheese: 0
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/2 serving lunch meat: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving mustard: 0
1 thick slice tomato: 0
1 cup spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving baked salsa chicken: 4
1 serving mexican rice: 5
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 serving ice cream: 3
1 (swest) egg roll: 6
edited to add:
1 fruit smoothie: 2
38/38 + 1/35 (my points rolled over today)

Day 299

Today was a long day in which I ate a little too much, got a little exercise (swimming and walking), and ended up chapped on my upper thighs.

The food...it wasn't the volume of food consumed so much as the fact that there are never ever any healthy options at my family get-togethers. Even the fruit salad has sugar in it!

Not to mention as a side note pertaining to self discovery-I realized today that I eat to avoid conversation sometimes when I am overwhelmed. I am the youngest granddaughter of the youngest sister (we are very matriarchal) in my whole family. Everyone knows me and has always known me. Not to mention I was named after the original matriarch of our family. You would think that that should make me more comfortable, but it doesn't. I feel like sometimes people expect something of me...particularly when I get asked repeatedly throughout the day when I'm going to have kids and how Chad and I should start practicing now. Its all meant in good fun and I take it as such, but I didn't realize how much stress I was getting from it until today when I was scarfing down a regular hot dog. These are not excuses, just a minor epiphany at the cook out today that was strong enough to make me give up my dessert. I am learning new things about myself all of the time these days.

I have a rather large family reunion coming up in August and I have decided to bring a healthy option myself. Usually I get requests for things I personally shouldn't eat, but that everyone else loves. I might still do one of those as I don't have much of an issue eating things that I have cooked a million times, but I am most certainly also doing a healthy dish. My aunt tried though, I just didn't know about it until after I ate it. She cooked some burgers with pineapple (which I love love love on burgers) that were all made from ground turkey. That was a nice surprise.



I am joining Deb's Freedom Challenge on Monday. I need to figure out some manageable goals to go into this challenge with. It is a much shorter challenge but I want to be successful. I need to work on my consistency and my readiness.

I got home late so the post is a little short tonight you guys. I will be back tomorrow with positive reports!

Today:
1 serving taco soup: 7
w corn bread: 3
w 1 serving cheese: 2
1 pudding cup: 1
1 burger no bun: 4
w 1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 slice pineapple: 0
1 serving buffalo chicken dip: 4
1 serving chips: 4
1 regular hot dog: 5
w regular roll: 3
3 oz lean steak: 5
a few bits from a dessert plate: 10
38/38+ 11/22

Day 263

This post will include the first of my restarted food logs. But since I am posting so very early it wont be right now (4pm). I just want to talk about this while it is fresh in my mind.

I took a giant step in the right direction today I think. I know that I am stuck in a rut, I recognize that. I just haven't known what to do about it, and I've been a little afraid. I called my insurance company and I asked about my benefits and I called a therapist. Yikes. It kind of hurts to say that. I feel a little defeated though and mentally I cant seem to get over this hurdle. I know that in some way it is holding me back. I'm not going to dwell too much on this. I know that finding one can take time, and honestly even with my insurance my out of pocket will be astronomical at first. I'm going to take the process slowly and hopefully it will become an asset in the journey here. I'm not falling off of the intended path here so much as slowing my march down to a casual stroll, and I know that battles aren't won that way.

I want this, and I know I haven't been here but I do. I've gotten to a certain point and now I feel stuck. I'm not though, I just need a really good push. Please don't give up on me yet, I'm going to lose the rest of this weight, I am going to succeed. I've just got to get back to square, and whatever that means, I'm going to do it. I know some people just focus on the physical but I cant. I'm not saying that there is some terrifying underlying reason for why I swelled up over 400 pounds but I am saying that even if there are no reasons for the gain or for being okay with it for so long there is bound to be some scarring.

I'm working through it.


As Promised:

Today:
1 cup soup: 5
1 ww ice cream (it was really hot in here): 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving peanut butter: 2
2 servings jam: 3
1 serving triscuits: 2
1 huge serving lettuce: 0
1 cup chopped fresh veg: 0
2 oz chicken breast: 2
2 servings dressing: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
2 breaded wings: 7
1 serving cheesy chicken spaghetti: 7
Total: 38/38

Day 258

Do you ever get tired of telling every one that you are having a bad time of it? I certainly do. I feel this intense need to tell everyone about this week because I really feel shaken a little bit. Okay, maybe more than that. You know how when you are doing something as life changing as losing weight you sometimes learn some things about yourself. Sometimes they hurt, but sometimes they are also helpful. I'm not sure how much I should dwell on this past week. I know I let myself lose my footing pretty bad this week. I'm going to talk about it

A close friend of mine recently discovered that she was pregnant, and I kinda broke down. It isn't anyones fault, especially not hers. I know that I am on the right path, and that I am doing this the way that I need to. Its just really hard to wait, and work so hard and not know what the outcome is going to be. I can't control fate/God/mother nature. I can only control my actions, and my choices. I just never expect this particular issue to hit me so hard. It knocked the wind out of me. I felt and still feel a little like I am grieving for something. It isn't all bad to be so sorely tried though. You learn your strengths.

My cat being sick is stressing me the most right now. He has a blockage in his urinary tract, This is only the 2nd time it has ever happened, and the first time was over 5 years ago. The first time it happened it was pretty bad. I took him to the emergency vet in the middle of the night and for a few days they wouldn't tell me if he was going to live or not. They kept him for 9 days that time. This time though my regular vet says the prognosis is good, and that hopefully I will be able to take him home by Monday. The money is stressing me out here too, but I would make the same choice over and over.

The rest of it, the cars the possible bed bugs, the stolen bank card and my husbands absolutely last minute trip out of state are just things that either keep me up at night (bedbugs) or make me really really frustrated, and sometimes (I'm not so ashamed to say) angry.

I had a really great Saturday though. A friend of mine wanted to go to the zoo for her birthday. It was the Baltimore Zoo and not the DC Zoo (which is much bigger), but I walked the whole think with friends, and kept up without getting winded or to tired or pained. I was so proud of myself that I could have exploded into shards of sunshine. My reward? A sunburn!

I did not go to my meeting as there was no one to take me. I could have asked a friend, but this is the same friend who is dealing with just finding out she is pregnant and who took me grocery shopping. I just didn't want to impose too much.

Today is another day, and the journey goes on. Hopefully I wont being dragging behind this week! Hopefully tomorrow something will give...like getting my cat back and some of the constant stress I am feeling will lift. So don't worry too much about me. After all these years there isn't any "give up" left in me for this. All I've got left is "go".

Now it is 4:30am and I am still waiting for my husband to get home. See you tomorrow.

Day 254 - 257

I just wanted to make a quick update to say sorry for the absence and that I'd be back to explain it all tomorrow. I have had a very very bad week life wise (Things I will be talking about tomorrow: Mom in California, my car broken down, Mom's car with suspended tags, husband in Connecticut very last minute, possible freaking bed bugs (which is keeping me awake all night long), someone stealing my bank card, a pregnant friend bringing forth (not her fault) some very strong feelings of grief and my cat taking a turn for the worst. If I get to take him home on Monday it will cost me at least $700, more if he needs to stay later, which means no vacation for us which was planned for a little more than a week from now.. All in one week. I tell you, I am so emotionally and mentally exhausted right now that I feel like I might finally sleep tonight. ) and my whole journey has suffered for it. Again, my motto is always never give up, and so I wont. I promise.

Day 251, 252, 253

I lost two lbs this week bringing my total loss so far to 88.8 lbs!

This weekend someone very close to me received some life changing (in a good way) news, and I have been a touch preoccupied since then. Plus my cat is very sick (the one who tried to kill my laptop), and I'm a bit depressed about that. Actually this week so far, with the exception of the weight loss and the fact that my husband took a few days off to be with me, has sucked. I feel a little withdrawn. I'm working on it though.

I was supposed to start a zumba class tonight with some friends but I didn't get home from the vet until it was too late. Oh well though, I will get to go as classes go on pretty constantly, and its really great because it is pay as you go and only 5 bucks per class!

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I am getting back to it! I went to the gym twice despite this being a slasher week.
2. I again am getting better but I'm still a work in progress.
3. I went to my meeting!
4. Totally checking in right now! (late sorry!)
5. 8 (?) weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I like that I am still growing up. I like that sometimes it occurs to me that something I've just done or said or thought is more adult than I expected. It's nice to surprise yourself because honestly? I'm 27, and I still feel 23, or even 18. There are vast differences in experience and lifestyle but I'm still me. The adult moments are nice though. They even consist of making good choices in food and exercise, as the 18 year old me would have quit and gone for chinese months ago. This past weekend I let my self be tested sorely, and while I gave a little, I didn't give up. Life goes on, and I'm growing to go with it.

My husband and I have done some talking too and we both think we are way too lax on Sundays after weigh in. We are letting too much go, and it is stressing me out. So we are both recommitting to the quest, which really just consists of tightening our reigns...

Day 250

Two hundred and fifty days. That is a long time for me. It is the longest I've ever kept at loosing weight before in my life. As a reward I'm given the most weight I've ever lost before, and a whole boatload of non scale victories such as: walking without pain. I wont say I've spent 250 days on plan. That would not be true, and at this point while I do not think its impossible to do, I do think its an awfully high bar to set for someone who really wants to get through the day/week/month/year. If it broke my stride to have an off day every once in a while I would not be here typing this right now. I would have given up a long time ago. I want everyone to remember that. Remember that goals are things to aspire to, and not be defeated by. Tony posted that May was a bad month for dieters, and while I don't know as much he may well be right. We do tend to lose focus and drive when we realize that things are not progressing as quickly or as well as we want them to. I will give you the one thing I know (I think, don't be mad at me for making this statement!) works for every dieter I know: Keep going. Do not stop for missteps or mistakes or for days off. Keep going even when you really really don't want to. Never stop telling yourself that you are on a diet (or whatever you want to call it) because the moment you do you are setting yourself up for quitting.

I know I keep pushing the above point, but it really is what is making the difference to me right now. It is what separates this journey from all of the other little walks I've taken toward the same outcome.

I realized another NSV today! My husband bought me a pair of jeans (that I wanted so badly) two years ago from a certain store for Christmas. They are a size 26, cut very small. I have been wearing some 26's for a while and unable to get these pants up over my thighs. Tonight while getting dressed to go out I tried them on again and not only do they fit, I can take them off without unbuttoning them!

Tomorrow is weigh in and I am finally dragging a friend to the meeting! Wish me luck!

Day 246, 247, 248

So after sending my laptop to HP I received a link to my order status, that not only said that my malfunction was out of warranty, but that the repair was going to cost me $398. Ouch. We cant afford that. Last night however I received a link from them again to the same page which provided a link to the tracking number for my "repaired" product, and the repair cost? Zero dollars. Wonder what is coming back to me in that Fed-Ex box? Seems a little too good to be true right? And all of this because my cat decided to urinate on my laptop. Oh yes, the litter pans were clean, and there is nothing wrong with him. He just decided that at that precise moment, it was imperative to wreck momma's day.

So I was given a reprieve Monday when the monthly slasher should have started, and I went to the gym. Tuesday it started, and that was pretty much that. Its pretty bad today also, but I think (please keep your fingers crossed) that it is lightening up. I washed my gym clothes today and hopefully with all sorts of back up I will be able to go tomorrow. I don't know that I will be brave enough to sit on any of the circuit machines, but I should be able to do cardio. I know I promised myself that I wouldn't stress over the gym when the slasher was visiting, but I don't want to slow down again, or lose any of my progress on getting back into the habit.

My food was not so great on Monday and Tuesday which probably had a lot to do with my birthday, but I got it straightened out by Wednesday and despite all of that I have gotten in all of my veggies every day this week. Progress? I think so. I also had a completely meatless day yesterday, and with the exception of a light turkey hot dog with no bread today will be the same. Not really on purpose per say, just the way meal planning fell, and really I don't think that having a meatless day or two on occasion can really be harmful. I get plenty of other protein.

The other thing I am working on right now is my sleeping pattern! Argh. Its all over the place. I either sleep too much or too little. I really need to get into bed by midnight on Saturday nights, that way I'm not dead to the world on Sunday mornings. I also find that when I get 8-9 hours a night I lose more weight...

Tonight is karaoke night so I will be getting home late, which is why I included Day 248 in this post. Tomorrow night will be Day 249 and it should get its own post!

Sometimes I feel like I don't know what to say or that I've already said too much. I don't want my lack of finesse with words to overshadow the importance of whats going on here. I am losing weight. Not always in a straight downward avalanche, but it is coming off. I'm grateful for that. Of all the things to teach me some patience, I never thought it would be this. The key to getting to goal though, I realized as this journey started. Never give up, never start over. Just keep going, no matter how agonizing it is to accept the mistakes as your own.

Day 244

This is my post for Sunday! I lost 3.6 lbs! Bringing my total loss so far to 86.8 lbs and my current weight to 331.

Am I always doom and gloom? I woke up on time on Sunday morning despite having a late night and trudged dutifully to my WW meeting. On the way there I went over all of the positive changes that I was trying to make this week. I believe the reinvigoration challenge was a success. I feel better. There are still some things I really need to straighten out. My food has been a challenge in the last week, but I kept that in mind while grocery shopping after the meeting. My exercise is definitely better. Today is my birthday (I'm 27) and my gym clothes are now in the dryer. I am in fact going to work out today.

I'm proud of myself for knowing what my mental outcome would be before I stepped on the scale.

Spring Challenge update tonight!

Day 243

Alrighty, so I am working some things out. All of my recipes and meal plans and logs were on my laptop which is now in a FedEx box on its way to California. So I finally set up my desktop computer. I'd forgotten how nice it actually is. Since I got my laptop I haven't used it at all really. I need to set my meal plans up and back them up online so that if something like this happens again I wont be in the dark. I realized today that part of my issue with food this week has been that I don't have my laptop. I know that sounds strange, but normally I am so organized about my food. I realized today that I have only cooked once this week. Once. Normally I cook every single night. No wonder my food has been off. I hate that it is such simple things can wreck me. So now I am adapting. I set the bigger computer up, and while it isn't as portable (at all) I should burn some calories going up and down the stairs to use it.

I didn't go to the gym today, but I don't usually go on Saturdays. I'm okay with my week so far. I feel like I made a lot of really positive steps in the right direction. I'm still afraid to go to that meeting tomorrow. I feel like I am going to maintain. My food was bad this week, and tonight was my birthday celebration. I have to tell you though: I was really good. Did I have a few drinks? Yes, but only 2 1/3, and I checked the weight watchers points (4 points for a "sex on the beach") on them before I went. I had a single piece of cake. There were a few bites here and there, but nothing that should put me over the edge. I also stopped eating and drinking (except diet soda, its karaoke after all) after 11pm which is one of my oldest rules for Sunday.

I am so freaking proud of myself for all of the above. I do not want to go weigh in tomorrow morning, but I will. I will go knowing that coming back strong. I dont like feeling like it will be another maintain this week, but I have to be honest about that. I have to get it out there to cushion the blow if it does happen. Either way, I'll be okay. Maybe I'll even set a loss goal for next week.

*Also, now that I have a working computer again I will go back and read all of the blogs that I've missed! Sorry guys!

Day 242

I got back to the gym again today and I'm really proud of myself because I got my circuit back up to where it was before I stopped going to the gym. I did a full circuit today plus one set on each machine including the ones that I wasn't doing more on before. My cardio is still at 40 minutes, but the machine tells me that I burned 740 calories today, so I'm not sad.

I'm hoping to get back to the gym tomorrow before they close, and before karaoke! We are doing an extra session in celebration of my birthday!

My food still isn't on par with the past. As long as the gym is under control I really need to work on that. This is really dragging me down and keeping me stuck in the 330's.

Today at the gym I found myself thinking about jogging again. I found myself wondering how safe it would be for someone my size, and then I started worrying about my ankles. You see, we used to walk the track, and there would be times when my legs would feel so tense. Not in pain or anything, but I really felt like I wanted to run. I felt that way at the gym today too. I remember being a kid and running and back then it felt really good. It was like opening my body up and really working out the kinks. I really want that feeling back. I have bad ankles as of right now though. I don't know that they will be bad once I lose the weight, so who knows? I shouldn't already be worrying. Though at least I'm worried about being able to run once I lose the weight and not how I could feel if I didn't. Because I know I will. I just need to get out of this rut once and for all!

All sides have to work together on this! I need to put myself back together already! Wish me strength, and hope with me that this is the last week I spend bouncing around in the 330's.

Day 241

Where do I get off forgetting how hectic Thursdays are around here?

There was no gym today, and I did forget for a moment that I promised myself no gym on Thursdays. It was probably because I thought going during the day would make it easier to do on a Thursday. Then when I got up, no one was home, and there was no car.

It's okay though. I'm not really feeling so off anymore. My weekend is going to be hectic, but I've a little bit a steel in me right now. I will not go off plan, and I will hit the gym Friday and possibly Saturday morning.

Currently I am up baking a surprise birthday cake for my little brother. Since money is short and I had most of the supplies I figured it would make his day at least.

What I learned today? It isn't so much what I learned as what I remembered. I shouldn't hurt myself over things I can not change. I should instead focus on the things I can. Like getting this weight off of my bones. I will succeed because of the things I do, not the things I haven't.

Day 240

This is going to be rather short! It is late and I am tired!

I went to the gym again today and I have plans to go tomorrow. I went early like I said I would and you know what? It was a lot better than going late at night. I felt like I had the rest of the night to do the things I needed to do and I did not feel rushed and frustrated.

On the other hand my food was out of control today. I ate dinner out with my brother and some friends and I went over my points for the day.

Something that I have learned? I'm not going to succeed if I do not start strict tracking again. Before my laptop broke I was tracking on that, which was making me lax. Now that I don't have that at the moment I totally lost it! So tomorrow I will drag out the old marble copy book and get back down to business.

Day 239

After getting up today I threw my gym clothes in the washer, and I went to take a shower. After getting out of the shower I went and threw my clothes in the dryer and then I napped while they dried. Why am I telling you all this?

Because that is what I was doing while fighting myself over going to the gym. It was a pretty epic and pathetic battle consisting of me, wobbling back and forth in my commitment shoes. I went to the gym. I did my full circuit, and 40 minutes on the elliptical. I am trying not to feel guilty about not doing a whole hour. I fell off of the exercise wagon and it is going to take me a little time to get back to where I was.

Tomorrow I am going to experiment by going to the gym early. Like as soon as I get up. I'm wondering if that wont help me because when it starts to get late, all I want to do is relax and detox my day. I wont be able to go early every day because of transportation, but it will be nice to alleviate some of my stress there too. Once my husband fixes my car I will no longer be relying on my moms car for transportation there! If you can feel me glaring at my husband...it's because I am.

Today I learned that I still want it, bad. But I learned that I get ahead of myself. I try too hard to go too fast and I end up very disappointed. Today I took my time and got my workout done, and that simple act has made me feel so much lighter. In the past couple of weeks I have let this parade get really out of control, but I feel like I'm getting my grip back. I saw someone new at the gym today making use of one of the personal trainers. She was very heavy, and seemed about my age. She looked so tired and so sad, and I just wanted to hug her and tell her that she wasn't alone, and that I felt the same exact way. Then I would have told her that it gets better every single day I stick to my guns and do what I need to. I would have told her she could do this, even though right now all she probably wanted was a diet coke and a comfy couch. The couch will feel even better later, after you kick your own butt. I didn't run up and interrupt her session, because I probably would have freaked her out (it would have freaked me out.). I'm cheering her on though, silently. It was like getting a really clear look in the mirror. Sometimes when I have to come here and report what I feel like are failures, its really hard. I feel like an impostor, or a pretender to the crown, but the truth is that there is no crown, and I'm human. This is not a race. A race implies that we know where were are going and that the road is mapped out before us. That is not the case here. This is a journey in the fullest (Tolkien style if you will) sense of the word. It is full of ups and downs and self discoveries that we might have previously thought unimaginable. It takes time to flesh out all of the intricacies that brought us to the beginning of something like this. There are no kings, or queens, only travelers, and the most notorious enemy we have to face is ourselves.

I did not get in all of my veggies today, but on the whole I had a good day. I do not feel as stressed, and I have a busy week ahead of me. My brother turns 23 on Friday and I turn 27 on Monday. Yesterday, despite my atempt to keep my head above water positivity wise, I sank. Today I feel like I'm swimming again.

Stay with me, I'm gaining back ground here.

*Also you might have noticed that I stopped posting my daily food. I wasn't sure that that was an important part here but if anyone else thinks so I will gladly put it back!

Day 238

Remember yesterday when I said I would paint myself in positivity? My laptop wont turn on, and I am so upset about it that I honestly want to throw up. I know that sounds stupid, but it took me a long time to pay for it, and I have this immense fear that I will not be able to replace it. I have a warranty and HP is sending me a box, but it got something splashed on it and I'm not covered for accidental damage. I don't know if it was the splash, but I can guess.

I want to go ahead with being positive, but I feel like I cant catch a break here.

I don't have a weigh in for you for the first time in a while. My husband and I both slept through the meeting. We don't really spend a lot of time together during the week and our weekends are becoming increasingly busy. So on Saturday night we made the mistake of sitting up way to late talking, and kind of catching up. We don't know if our alarm didn't go off, or if we slept through it for over an hour, because that's how long it takes to turn itself off. That was then, and now I am putting it behind me.

Today, as step one, I caught up on all of the chores that were stressing me out here at the house. The ones that keep me glued to the house out of anxiety, instead of going to the gym. It took me all day, and was a lot of work, but I do feel better about that. Next to get back into doing a little bit each day and not procrastinating until after the gym, at which time I am always too tired. I definitly got my foot in the door today and it makes me feel accomplished. I still have laundry to do, but it doesn't make me feel overwhelmed and frozen.

Tomorrow I will be able to get up, go about my day and when it comes time to go to the gym, I should be ready to go.

One thing that I have learned about myself over the coarse of this journey which ties into the above is that if I am stressed I break down. My whole process suffers from eating to exercising to sleeping. So I am going to begin to take steps to make my life much less bumpy. I'm going to do more planning ahead, and I am going to learn to budget my time better. Not only have I learned this, but I am still in the process of learning it and doing something about it! I wanted to do something about the stress first because it is a big roadblock for me.

Spring Challenge Check In!

So this past week was bad, but this week will be better. I believe I failed on all accounts, except for the checking in today. I'm not going to dwell on that though, I am going to take a page out of Loretta's book: I am back, and so I am going to let my actions and words not only prove that, but guide me. Can I be depressed? Sure, I'm not sure I can avoid it. I can, however, avoid letting it drive this parade right into a ditch. Besides, my scale said I was down this week, and though I cant count on it, I appreciated the boost.

Something I like about myself: I like that I am determined to succeed. I am no stranger to starting over again and again and again only to all deeper into that hole. I'm not starting over and haven't yet. I feel like these struggles are part of the process and I'm ready to push past them now!

Day 235, 236, 237

This is going to be short, which I know isnt fair since I missed 3 days of posts. Especially considering the nature of the last post. Tomorrows post for the challenge will be much longer and there will be some explanation for all the missed days and then finally somehow with or without ritual I will put the last few months (even with the downward trend still in existence) behind me.

Over the next week, while whipping my life back into order and taking some very, very important me time (WHILE going to the gym) I am going to revisit my older posts, and my misplaced passion. My goal for the week, in addition to meeting my goals for the Spring Challenge, is to post about one important thing I have learned so far each day for seven days. I'm going to call it the Re-invigoration Challenge... It's a one week thing to get myself re-motivated and rededicated. You know, like spirit week when you were in high school where you painted yourself in school colors and spent the week extolling the greatness of your academy. I'm going to "paint" myself in positivity for the week.

We have some financial issues right now, among other stresses and so it isn't going to be easy, but at some point I have to adapt and cope through sheer force of will because I will not give up.

Day 233, 234

Okay guys. I am honestly struggling now. I am not "off the wagon" or anything but I am having a heck of a time "feeling it". I am discouraged because of my own actions and I cant seem to get my head out of the mud (or my butt honestly whichever you think seems more right).

I have had a strange week. I have been busy almost every day this week and unable to go to the gym, but its like I was telling my mom: "I'm feeling incredibly unmotivated and its like life just keeps throwing excuses at me!"

I don't really have any defense other than "something is quite obviously wrong" but even that sounds like a cop out. Something has been wrong for a long time and I've managed until recently! My mom used to tell me when I was younger and was neglecting something that I claimed to be important to me that it "Must not be important enough." That isn't true this time though. It is important. Its getting to me in a big way. I've come so far and I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a giant abyss about to jump of the edge.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm not ready to give up, and I don't want to give up. I need to get my priorities straight and get back to it. If only it we as easy as just telling myself to do it! Remember when I said I had a habit of sabotaging myself? I meant it, and I feel like what I need is constantly at odds with what I feel like I want at any given moment. Where is the self control and self discipline that I worked so hard at over these last 9 months? It certainly didn't all go to dust at that first stumble.

I will go to the gym tomorrow and I will lose more weight. I don't know what Sunday is going to be like at my weigh in and honestly for the first time in a while, I'm afraid to know. I'm not over my points and haven't been yet, but I wasn't last week either.

I feel at an end here in one way or another. I have to chose to move on and get moving or I am in essence choosing to fail. I will never choose to fail again, so that leaves one outcome. Please bear with me.

This Sunday I am going to sit through the new member portion of the meeting again. Back to basics has worked for me before, so its back to basics I go. I'm being honest here and putting myself out there. I'm telling you guys that the road has gotten hard for me because it helps me leave it behind. It also makes it easier to come back here. I have been dreading this, how to say that I am struggling again, but then maybe I'm just still struggling. Perhaps the whole thing is a struggle? I'm not sure, but I want to keep going the way I was, and leave this weight behind. The fact that I am struggling has been keeping me awake at night, tearing myself apart to find the broken pieces, and that is not healthy. It isn't what I want.

I used to feel guilty for doing so well when other people were struggling. Now I hope someone like me reads this and gets as far along as they can without looking back.

Tonight at karaoke I was getting a refill on my diet soda and this guy randomly comes up behind me and tells me to go with water and lemon. I'm like "okay, but I feel bad sitting here all night taking up room at the bar and drinking nothing." I don't drink very much soda at all. My soda days are Thursdays and generally only at night at karaoke. The rest of the time its crystal light and water. Then he says: "Diet soda is even worse then regular, you should drink water with lemon it will burn the calories right off of you." ...Now he was drunk, and I'm really good at just letting things go, and being rational. This guy has never met me before and doesn't know who I am or what I've done. I was okay then, but sitting here at home thinking about it makes me cry. It makes me feel like the same girl who was sitting in wal-mart wondering if this was the end of her world. It makes me feel like I haven't done anything yet. It makes me feel raw, and it makes me want to come here and get this off of my chest. I will never weigh over 400 lbs again, I do not care how long it takes me to get the rest of this weight off. I will never be that desperate, helpless and sad girl ever again. That dude can seriously stuff his "water with lemon."

Today:
1 banana: 2
1 cup coffee w/cream: 3
2 bites mac and cheese: 1
1 cup mixed veg: 1
1 serving enchilada: 9
1 banana: 2
2 servings ww mac: 7
1 serving spaghetti sauce: 1
1 100 cal pack: 1
AFTER KARAOKE (6 hours later):
2 servings pasta: 7
another serving sauce: 1
1 slice cheese: 1
36/40

I don't usually drink coffee but I was babysitting at an early hour (for me) this morning, and I needed it!

Day 232

I did not go to the gym today in order to take someone to visit a dying loved one. It wasn't planned, and honestly? You cant plan for those things.

I have an appointment in the evening tomorrow so my goal is to get to the gym in the early after noon and go to my appointment sweaty! Oh yeah. But I need to get there.

I started my self re-evaluations today. Number one: I am seriously stressing about something I haven't yet narrowed down. Yeah, I know I always stress, but it doesn't generally keep my from sleeping and recently I've found myself fighting old habits...like I somehow found myself standing in front of the fridge doors open, looking intently inside before I woke up. I used to do that when I was distracted by stress. Food would distract me from it. So I need a way to distract myself from this stress while it works itself out. Two: I seriously need to revisit measuring everything. I don't mean cups and such, I do that generally anyway, but I've gotten lax about the little measurements. Mayo, spices, sauces etc. They count too. And three: I need to go to the gym whether I feel like it or not. Yeah, sometimes life is going to get in the way, but I find myself making excuses more often than I'd like. It doesn't help that I have been feeling less than 100 percent for quite a while now. I feel like this is connected either to changing hormones or stress. Again, I do have a physical coming up. I really need to get to writing down all of the things I wanted to talk to my doctor about.

I also still need to get better about tracking consistently again. It helps me more than I can express and I definitely lose more when I do. No downside, so just do it Ruby!

Ah, the never ending emotional and physical spiral of a weight loss journey. I'm confident about making it to the finish line, but I have a feeling that I am going to be fighting my way there.

Sorry for the short post guys! I am exhausted!

Today:
1 1/2 servings chicken pot pie: 11
1 veg burger: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 bag frozen veggies turned into quick veggie curry: 5
1 serving chips: 4
1 banana: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving hamburger soup: 7
1 slice cheese: 1
1 fruit bar: 2
40/40 + 1/35

Day 219

Today was another slowish sort of day. The monthly slasher flick is still here in all its glory. I wasn't sedentary today though. I did a lot of chores around the house that I had been neglecting. I then spent 3 hours trying to get my cats to take a pill. Yeah, let me tell you, even the fattest of the spoiled rotten fluff balls will turn into a classically trained ninja on the occasion that they might need to take a pill. I have some new scars, and less than half of the little beasts are done! I tried tuna, I tried cream, I gave up for the night. We will resume this battle tomorrow night...so if anyone has any ideas...?

My food was good today, but a little strange there at the end which you will see. I made dinner and I was doing the dishes as it was finishing up. I then dried my hands and made my brother's plate-which I then accidentally flung to the floor. Ah yes, the ups and downs of only making enough food. If I make more than the 4 servings that should be eaten I'll have leftovers right? If I manage to not pick at them until they are gone, or just have a second serving. It's generally easier for me (minus the accidents) to make just enough, then there is no choice to make. I instead choose to make a habit of making only enough. So after salvaging what I could of my brothers serving, I opted to have half and give him the rest.

I'm sorry I'm so boring right now! I did do a bad thing though. I got on the scale this morning...I know I shouldn't have. I really should only weigh myself once a week on Sunday. It always throws me off, but I did it anyway. My scale shows me at 4lbs down since Sunday...which could mean nothing come Sunday, but it was a boost for sure!

Today:
1 serving brown pasta: 3
1 serving chicken: 4
1 serving cereal: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 tbsp ranch: 1
1 serving bean soup: 4
1/2 serving gnocchi florentine: 4
1/2 serving ww cheese: 1
25
1 serving chicken and sauce over wheat pasta: 7
1 100 cal pack: 1
most of a bag of popcorn: 4
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
41/41

I'm a little short on fruits and vegetables today, I barely made it to 7 servings. I meant to have some grapes but the cat thing stressed (not to mention I'm just going to be stressed out all week over not being able to really exercise...and yes I am working on letting it go!) me out and I went right for the nutella! Eek!