The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Day 337

Still here, still going on.

I haven't made it back to the gym yet, despite wanting to. I feel like I am stuck and I don't quite know how to get moving again. I'm not gaining, so don't panic. I'm still on plan. I'm just not doing as well as before and I'm not losing.

I have an appointment to see my obgyn this month and 2 more to recheck my triglycerides. I feel like I'm coming to a cross roads here. I need one more year on birth control. I need it. Emotionally I cant handle this battle and the one that drives me to have kids at the same time. Now this will only be the end of my first year ever (in my life) on birth control, but now I'm wondering if it isn't what is elevating my triglycerides (research).

I'm also dealing with (still) the emotional fallout (all of my own doing) from everyone around me having babies or getting pregnant. It is way to easy to forget that it could happen, and that I am actively preventing now in order to make it more likely later. Its easy to trip and fall into that dark hole. I find myself needing to pull away socially in certain situations. I know, I know. I need to get up and stop crying and run towards my dreams and goals instead of whining about it and letting it get away from me.

What am I doing? I can not tell you how many times in the last few weeks this has been the thought in the front of my mind. I need to kick my own but into gym gear. Into commitment gear. I haven't given up, but dang have I ever let some of the direction go. Here I am looking in the mirror again, but now things have changed and the picture is feeling kind of fuzzy.

I've said it a million times, but don't give up on me. I am determined to lose the rest of my weight, and my burden. I'm not taking my time on purpose. I think that its just life.

1 homemade burger w cheese no bun: 6
sauted onions and peppers: 1
1 waffle: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 1/2 servings cheddar rice crisps: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 banana: 2
1 cup watermelon: 1
1 cup rice: 4
1 serving sauted green beans with peppers and onions: 1
1 serving crock pot cantonese pork: 7
1/2 serving dinner (pork, greenbeans, and rice): 7
38/38 + 1/23 (used some this week)


Rettakat said...

You know, this is YOUR journey. You've lost almost 95 lbs, and have a lot going on. Lots of things to process... feelings to explore... changes to process.

You may be going slow, but you are still going in the right direction. It sounds like you need time to be quiet with yourself, and just think and dream and plan and regroup.

Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. This is a marathon, not a sprint... so don't worry if someone doesn't understand the dynamics of a LONG journey. I do... lots of people do. And we'll chug right along the road with you. So don't even worry about it. :-)

Oh, and while you are being kind, patient and quiet... get some movement! Even if you don't make the gym, walking counts! And you can do some inner reflections while enjoying a nice walk.

If you are resisting the gym, change it up and do something YOU find fun... a Playout instead of a Workout, ya know?!


oh_mg said...

Hi! I found your site via a search for weightloss bloggers. I am a new blogger hoping to build a small community for myself - people whose journeys I can follow to help keep me on track. So, just wanted to say hi, and keep up the good work!

Scuttleboose said...

I am also dealing with everyone around me having babies and getting pregnant... and me, just sitting here trying to figure out if I even want kids, and when, and how that will work out with my weight loss, and..... ok, I started rambling.
Point is, we are all here to support each other! Take your time, but don't lose sight of your goals :)

Allan said...

No race, no rush, you will get there...Keep up the fight...

Big Clyde said...

Yeah...just don't stop. Consider committing to one or two physical things you can do each day. A longer walk to work from the parking lot or grocery store...maybe just an evening neighborhood walk.

Finding Myself said...

Yeah, The gym for me is sometimes tough but as long I keep looking forward I feel like that I can do it. I have been reading your blog and it sounds like you have great determination..You will do it!

Finding Myself said...

are you on Facebook? If so I would love to chat with you I also have PCOS and I am on a weight loss info to follow
if you look me up on Facebook its!/profile.php?id=1238059792

or name
Jennifer Strevel Cooper

shadowsknight said...

Walk the Betty monster. Just 5 minutes a day is patience workout... At least I know that at that point I have generally exhausted all of mine. Not much, but just a little extra added everyday.