I did not update last night because our internet, cable and telephone were turned off because my brother hadn't paid the bill...in 3 or 4 months. So once I finally had it straightened out it was 6 in the morning and I was tired, and still sick. Sorry about that, I have been trying to be more committed here because it helps me.
Let's talk about sick. I guess that I am, but I have a really hard time with it. I'm finding myself frustrated by the barriers that I'm facing. I feel like every time I get my mind in gear, my body decides not now. I'm pretty sure now that I have the stomach flu as I have another friend who is experiencing the same symptoms. I feel fine when I'm not having stomach pain and diarrhea, which comes and goes quite frequently.
I think I will be fine though, and I have been determined to stay on plan. So far so good. One of the things I have been doing is keeping a good amount of fresh fruit in the house. That way when I need to grab something I go for that first.
So honestly I'm not quitting, I will be fine and I wont stop blogging. I'm just really frustrated at myself and the circumstances.
I did not track today (and have been being too lax with that), which I know is bad, but I have eaten on plan. I've been kinda vegetating all day (except for a short trip to fat free frozen yogurt) and drinking a lot of fluids and diet ginger ale. Tomorrow is another weigh in I'm not sure I'm going to. If I go, I will probably have gained weight. Not much, like I said before I gained a few lbs over Otakon week, but since then I have been maintaining...not losing. And now the stomach thing. I can not possibly communicate my frustration here in words. We haven't talked about shame in a while. It's intrinsically connected to weight for some of us, for me too. I feel like "Oh my GOD it's been a whole month and what do I have to show for it? Negative nothing." I feel like a failure. Again.
But I'm not, and I know that. It doesn't help our feelings though does it? I can do this, and it is about choices. I can not choose to not be sick, but I can choose whether or not I track. I can choose whether or not to go to the gym when I am feeling better, or to take a walk or walk my dogs. I can choose to choose to struggle correctly. Instead of always struggling downward, I can struggle in the direction of my goal. I am so tired of waiting for my mind to get into sync with my butt here! It doesn't work that way! I am getting out of this prison come hell or high water and nothing is going to stop me.
Not even me.
2 years ago