The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Day 340

I did not update last night because our internet, cable and telephone were turned off because my brother hadn't paid the 3 or 4 months. So once I finally had it straightened out it was 6 in the morning and I was tired, and still sick. Sorry about that, I have been trying to be more committed here because it helps me.

Let's talk about sick. I guess that I am, but I have a really hard time with it. I'm finding myself frustrated by the barriers that I'm facing. I feel like every time I get my mind in gear, my body decides not now. I'm pretty sure now that I have the stomach flu as I have another friend who is experiencing the same symptoms. I feel fine when I'm not having stomach pain and diarrhea, which comes and goes quite frequently.

I think I will be fine though, and I have been determined to stay on plan. So far so good. One of the things I have been doing is keeping a good amount of fresh fruit in the house. That way when I need to grab something I go for that first.

So honestly I'm not quitting, I will be fine and I wont stop blogging. I'm just really frustrated at myself and the circumstances.

I did not track today (and have been being too lax with that), which I know is bad, but I have eaten on plan. I've been kinda vegetating all day (except for a short trip to fat free frozen yogurt) and drinking a lot of fluids and diet ginger ale. Tomorrow is another weigh in I'm not sure I'm going to. If I go, I will probably have gained weight. Not much, like I said before I gained a few lbs over Otakon week, but since then I have been maintaining...not losing. And now the stomach thing. I can not possibly communicate my frustration here in words. We haven't talked about shame in a while. It's intrinsically connected to weight for some of us, for me too. I feel like "Oh my GOD it's been a whole month and what do I have to show for it? Negative nothing." I feel like a failure. Again.

But I'm not, and I know that. It doesn't help our feelings though does it? I can do this, and it is about choices. I can not choose to not be sick, but I can choose whether or not I track. I can choose whether or not to go to the gym when I am feeling better, or to take a walk or walk my dogs. I can choose to choose to struggle correctly. Instead of always struggling downward, I can struggle in the direction of my goal. I am so tired of waiting for my mind to get into sync with my butt here! It doesn't work that way! I am getting out of this prison come hell or high water and nothing is going to stop me.

Not even me.


Rettakat said...

I totally get that frustration!! There have been MANY times my mind said one thing, and the ol' bod said another. Grrrrr!

But sooner or later, it will get in sync. In the meantime, kudos to you for not buying into the negative self-talk.

I hope you are able to get lots of rest, too, to heal.

Allan said...

I have read a lot on your blog. I have seen the pictures. It does not mean much in your world, but you have touched me and inspired me. That counts for something, so if for nothing else, keep up the fight Now you have a reason to continue that matters to me a lot... Thanks !!

Ann said...

Scarlet, I think we can all empathize with your frustrations. We will all take our turns with it, no doubt there. However, I think it is important for you to track - even if you "only" maintain (and THAT is pretty good too ... how many of us have quit or given up?!!!) You made the commitment to yourself. If your body lets you down right now, it is probably more about trying to hold onto what it has - but you are stronger than that. Eventually, your body will get the message that you mean business, no matter how long it holds out, and then you'll see movement down the scale again. Even if you don't track as often, still do it periodically. You may just be surprised, when the body suddenly calls "uncle" and starts responding again. It just needs time to readjust, because, after all, you've done GREAT so far!! Keep up the good work. Heck, just the fact you maintained through all this frustration says volumes about you and your committment level toward getting more fit. I take inspiration from that, and I'm sure others do too!!

Big Clyde said...

I understand the frustration too and wish I had the answers about motivation, etc. Just stay at it, eventhough you don't feel it.

Rettakat said...

Hi Ruby! Are you still having internet connection trouble??

Just stopping by to say I'm thinking of you, and hope all is going well with you.