So I know I have been gone long enough to scare some of you, but I have never meant to be away so long. Was I struggling this entire time? Oh yeah, right up until today in fact. However the week that I made that last post was the beginning of a very busy time for me. I know I spoke about Otakon to you guys before and how I run the Art Show there once a year. I've told you all how hard the work there was. Well, this year it wasn't as hard, but I pushed myself harder because of it. My feet were already hurting so badly by Friday night that I could not walk without shoes on! I got there on Wednesday afternoon and left for home on Monday afternoon, and I am finally feeling better today. I am crazy excited that I was able to run around so much more and do so much more of the physical work myself!
Now that is where I have been, but my struggle? It started a while ago. I've been struggling on and off all year now and I'm not sure how to turn it off. I feel like my motivation is just as strong as ever, and I am never going to give up but I seem to have trouble getting my nose back down to the grind stone here. I stopped myself tonight and started questioning myself. Why am I stalling myself? Why am I going out of my way to comfort myself with food when I know even before I do it that I will pay for it emotionally and physically later? I hurt myself and then I hurt myself for hurting myself.
I can't answer these things yet. As far into my journey as I have come and I still can not answer some of the simple why's that everyone else can. This doesn't make me feel shame, but maybe a little bit of fear. I wonder if I will ever get back into the habit without so many slips and falls if I am never able to identify all of the triggers?
We all have these moments...the ones where we question our motives and even our provable progress. I found myself wondering if I even wanted the things I want as bad as I say I do if I cant even stick to this for longer than a week or two without a misstep! But that isn't what this is about is it? It isnt about the roller coaster ride, the size 8, or even the kids I am desperate to have. It is about me winning a battle over control of myself and my destiny. I have a path before me and it's rough. People talk about weight loss in so many ways. Everyone has an opinion about how its done and how hard or easy it is. I think in some ways we decide our own difficulty levels, but I also think that most of us aren't aware of that, and that even if we are we are still capable of catching ourselves unaware.
I'm sure I have set myself back a bit over the last week or two, but I'm not ready to call it quits yet. Like I said before, I wont fail until I decide to. And while I thought long and hard about that this week I know I'm not done yet. Someone commented on my weight loss at con this year and I looked and my husband and I could see just how proud he was of me and then I felt shame. I felt it because I know I can do better than this...and so I will.
Regular updates back tomorrow. Thanks for believing in me guys.
1 year ago