The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Day 330

So I know I have been gone long enough to scare some of you, but I have never meant to be away so long. Was I struggling this entire time? Oh yeah, right up until today in fact. However the week that I made that last post was the beginning of a very busy time for me. I know I spoke about Otakon to you guys before and how I run the Art Show there once a year. I've told you all how hard the work there was. Well, this year it wasn't as hard, but I pushed myself harder because of it. My feet were already hurting so badly by Friday night that I could not walk without shoes on! I got there on Wednesday afternoon and left for home on Monday afternoon, and I am finally feeling better today. I am crazy excited that I was able to run around so much more and do so much more of the physical work myself!

Now that is where I have been, but my struggle? It started a while ago. I've been struggling on and off all year now and I'm not sure how to turn it off. I feel like my motivation is just as strong as ever, and I am never going to give up but I seem to have trouble getting my nose back down to the grind stone here. I stopped myself tonight and started questioning myself. Why am I stalling myself? Why am I going out of my way to comfort myself with food when I know even before I do it that I will pay for it emotionally and physically later? I hurt myself and then I hurt myself for hurting myself.

I can't answer these things yet. As far into my journey as I have come and I still can not answer some of the simple why's that everyone else can. This doesn't make me feel shame, but maybe a little bit of fear. I wonder if I will ever get back into the habit without so many slips and falls if I am never able to identify all of the triggers?

We all have these moments...the ones where we question our motives and even our provable progress. I found myself wondering if I even wanted the things I want as bad as I say I do if I cant even stick to this for longer than a week or two without a misstep! But that isn't what this is about is it? It isnt about the roller coaster ride, the size 8, or even the kids I am desperate to have. It is about me winning a battle over control of myself and my destiny. I have a path before me and it's rough. People talk about weight loss in so many ways. Everyone has an opinion about how its done and how hard or easy it is. I think in some ways we decide our own difficulty levels, but I also think that most of us aren't aware of that, and that even if we are we are still capable of catching ourselves unaware.

I'm sure I have set myself back a bit over the last week or two, but I'm not ready to call it quits yet. Like I said before, I wont fail until I decide to. And while I thought long and hard about that this week I know I'm not done yet. Someone commented on my weight loss at con this year and I looked and my husband and I could see just how proud he was of me and then I felt shame. I felt it because I know I can do better than this...and so I will.

Regular updates back tomorrow. Thanks for believing in me guys.


Deb Willbefree said...

the answeers are so hard to find. I know--for most of them, I'm still looking. If you've read my blog at all, you know that.

In fact as recently as Sunday, I was asking why a loss on the scale panics me into a binge. Just how nuts is THAT?!

Keep at it, child. It's not over til you say so.


Ann said...

All any of us can ever do is to take it one day at a time - shoot, even one hour at a time.

I am learning it is better to not beat oursevles up over things past, but to take something from it that will motivate us moving forward!

Hang in there. You have lost SO MUCH already - and there is no timeframe or deadline to achieving good health. It gets here when it gets here, and we just try to move it along as best we can, right?

Congratulations on realizing your increased energy (and making use of it), of recognizing how far you've come already, and most importantly - for not giving up!

No one can get us to our goals for us. It is entirely up to us! We can do this ... YOU can do this!!

I'm going to be so excited to see what you've accomplished while I've been on vacation ... with or without scale numbers moving.

Big Clyde said...

I also am lost when it comes to the mystery of motivation...why does it seem to come and go without me having any clue?

Having said that, Loretta said before that the only way to fail is to quit. matter how slow. If you stop for awhile, call it a break and keep moving.

We believe in you.

Rettakat said...

We all have those times when we drag... and when have more questions than answers. I know I do! Still!

Yet we keep going. And that is what you are doing.

And when the road is a LONG one, like for some of us, it's too easy to get tired of it all, or bogged down, or any number of ways of thinking. I felt that way recently... right before I went to the Fair.

That experience was so energizing for me... gave me a boost, and I feel like I'm off and running again.

When I read your post, I thought about Chris, at A Deliberate Life. She recently just felt tired and burned out... and so took a rest for a couple of days, did some fun stuff just for herself... and then changed things up, revamped her goals, and got a fresh charge.

Is there a way for you to do something like that??

Either way, we'll all keep at this together.


Raegun said...

I just wanted to say that it's so great to see you're back! Let's do this!!!