Day 361

Alrighty, so the bright side of being barely able to eat all week? I now get full easier and I had a really good weigh in. I lost 9.6lbs this week (and I am sure that some of it is water being that I was/am probably a bit dehydrated) bringing my total loss to 98lbs and my current weight to 319.8.

I go back to the gym tomorrow (and at least Wednesday and Friday) to hopefully lose just two more by next Sunday.

So my throat is mostly healed. It gets a little sore right after I eat and in the morning it was not great, but for what its worth the only symptom I have left is tiredness. I think getting moving (but taking it a little easy at first) is probably the cure.

Today:
1 baked potato w/cheese: 7
1/2 small chili: 2
1 hot dog w bun: 6
3 oz chicken breast: 3
2 oz (or less) lean steak: 3
1/2 cup grapes: 0
1 cup broccoli: 0
2 slices pineapple: 0
1 cup baby carrots: 0
1/2 cup fruit salad: 2
2 tbsp dip: 2
1/2 bag popcorn: 3
1 tbsp spicy olive oil: 3
2 servings broccoli slaw: 1
1 serving enchilada filling: 4
1 wedge laughing cow cheese: 1
37/38

I bought some champagne grapes today at the produce stand. I think for dinner I am going to make some quick chicken salad and add the grapes in. Hmm... I think I did well at the cook out though. I sampled some of the meat, and I did eat a whole hot dog, but I didn't eat any dessert and my second plate was entirely fruit. You know what? I didn't miss anything. I feel so much better for having stuck to it.

On the road again...

edit: Scratch that. Chicken salad is a great idea for lunch tomorrow. Tonight I had some broccoli slaw sauted in some spicy olive oil with a serving of the leftover enchilada filling and a wedge of laughing cow cheese. Yes.

Day 360

I'm there!

I still have a sore throat (and after pushing myself to go out today my glands and ears were hurting again, but a little tylenol was enough) but I feel pretty good. Swallowing is also still not great, but it is definitely getting better.

I will be going to the gym Monday, if they are open. If not I'll head out to the track. Just to get moving!

Tomorrow I have grocery shopping and a family get-together. I can handle both of those!

Today:
1 grilled chicken sand: 5
w honey bbq: 2
1 cup fruit: 2
1 cup fat free frozen yogurt (plus one for the extra serving since a serving is 1/2 cup): 5
1 cup mac and cheese: 6
1/2 serving taco soup: 2 (whole serving is 3)
22/38

Day 359

I am so very definitely almost there. Almost all of my symptoms are gone, except being exhausted, my ears hurting and everything I swallow tasting like lava. Even that is getting better though. My tonsils have begin to shed the damaged tissue, which is weird. I think that when this is over they are going to be sore for a while. I still can not swallow very well. Today I have eaten 1 serving taco soup (chicken breast, beans, veggies for 3 points) and 1 corn muffin (2) with 1/2 a serving of cheese (1). I feel as though I am well enough to eat food I have to chew now...though not much of it because it still hurts like the dickens. I am feeling better every day and I hope that tomorrow brings me back to some sort of normal. My husband got some free tickets to an antique convention in the city and I'd do anything to get out of the house.

This has not been as wasted week. I did go back to my meeting on Sunday, and I am going back this Sunday too (I'm not contagious even if I still feel bad. I've been on antibiotics since Tuesday.). I've been blogging every single day, and I managed to get shoes that wont hurt my feet after I break them in.

In a way I guess I needed this. Patience is not a virtue I command on a regular basis. I think God/life/the universe is trying to teach me that good things come to those who want them bad enough to take their time and do it right.

Day 358

I think that most of the worst stuff might be over. I had a bit of a fever last night, but it was nothing like when it got up to 103.1. The worse of everything right now is that my throat is so tight and swollen and sore. It hurts from my glands to my ears, and the more I flinch from swallowing the more likely I am to experience a head ache.

I have been eating soft foods (almost no veg, though) and last night my husband brought me a frosty. It made my throat feel better for a time. It's been really frustrating. No one can understand me when I try to talk and the pain is just...ongoing. I feel really frazzled and cabin feverish.

I'm resting, watching The Ghost Whisperer (which makes me cry every single time), drinking lots of tea, gargling salt water and over dosing on throat drops. I'm also taking my penicillin and otc pain meds. I tried a chloraseptic but it just makes my throat burn. No, no no!

The icing on the cake? Slasher week just started!

Actually I am in a good mood, despite the sarcasm. I can not wait to get moving again. I feel like my bones are positively aching for the gym, or any activity at all. I want to be able to chew and swallow real vegetables without feeling like I'm swallowing sand paper. I want to eat anything but mashed potatoes (we are really broke (I bought shoes) until Friday and my brother works at a restaurant that makes really good mashed potatoes. They make soup too, but it has chunks, which are a giant NO for me at the moment.)!

So yes, if anything, I am frustrated. I'll live though!

Edit:
Today: Soup: 6 (I managed to eat the noodles!)

For dinner (and this is tentative since being able to swallow (ish) now doesnt mean I'll be able to swallow later) is going to be taco soup (3 points) and a fat free corn bread muffin (2 points).

Day 357

Same boat as yesterday. My fever made it up to 103.1 last night before I started combining motrin with the tylenol I had already been taking which had not been working. The combination did work.

I had a bit of a fever this morning and swallowing was super horrible. Yesterday for dinner I had mashed potatoes, and I'm pretty sure that's all I'm going to be eating today. My throat is so swollen and tight and sore. When I talk my words do not sound english...

I will update if anything changes!

Day 356

Alright so since we were off to such a great start yesterday I have to tell you a story. A story that really accentuates the feeling of one more thing.

Last night my throat was a little sore, but I assumed it was because I was in the car with the air blowing in my face for a while. This morning I woke up unable to swallow without lots of pain. So, being responsible (and having had strep chronically as a child) I called my doctor who saw me about an hour ago. My rapid strep test came back very quickly as positive, and so far I only have a light fever. She asked how I knew it was strep. Ha! I have done this so very many times. So now I have a script for penicillin, I have Tylenol, chloraseptic, and throat drops. Oh, and orders to gargle 3 times a day with salt water. I would say I'll still be counting points, but I really doubt that I'm going to be able to eat today. So, hows that for one more thing? I also have chills and a slight head ache.

I'm not trying to be a downer, in fact I am trying to have humor about it, but honestly this is really really frustrating.

I will edit this to add anything I eat today...kind of like tracking live.

Today:
1 serving creamy chicken and potatoes: 6
1 serving lemon pudding: 4

Day 300, 301

Sorry about the lack of an update last night guys. The monthly slasher is here, and hitting me pretty hard. I'm sore and tired and I feel...moist...which makes me feel like I need to shower every hour or so. It also gives me some awful cravings sometimes, but I wonder if that isn't just because I'm sort of housebound for quite a bit of my (heavier) periods and I get bored. My plan to combat these things is to keep myself really busy with keeping up my housework and working on getting up to a jog this week at the park. Hopefully by Thursday I'll be able to go to the gym and get my strength training done. Do you think its too high of a goal to want to be able to jog at this point?

In any case I know I need to be celebrating Day 300 but I want to wait and celebrate getting under 300lbs some day soon! I feel like my eating has been out of control since Saturday at the cook out, but thankfully I have a new challenge and some new goals to help keep me on track and motivate me!



My goals for the challenge (it's only a 4 week challenge so I am really going to try and rev it up, too bad it begins on a slasher week!) are:

1. To eat on plan every day from now on, including 7-9 servings of fruits and vegetables every day. I have been struggling with that and it has been holding me back.

2. Exercise at least 5 days a week, at the gym or at home. I've been getting better at this but I think its important to keep this goal in mind.

3. Wake up and get up with my husband. Do not sleep in every day.

4. Get my housework done every day (including be up on my laundry) so that that particular stress doesn't keep me from the gym.

5. Track my food more diligently so that I'm not stuck trying to remember what I ate at night. This continues to be an issue for me.

Today:
2 ww lf waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1 banana: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 can soup: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving reg doritos: 6
1/2 cup rice: 2
1/2 cup peas: 1
1 serving curry: 5
extra (later) serving dinner: 8
1 serving light ice cream: 3
38/38 + 1/35

Also, I didn't skip Sunday weigh in, there just wasn't one and I am trying not to compulsively weigh myself!

I need strength to stick to my convictions right now. I can't look for that outside of myself.

Day 285

So I'm really not that sick, except for the lingering headache, which I am proud to say is not a migraine.

It is however, painful and making it hard to be online. I had a lot of errands to run today and I wasn't feeling well, so my food isn't great, and I didn't eat all of my points. I'll probably pay for that tomorrow at weigh in but I cant help but be proud of myself. This has been my first completely on plan week in a month. I didn't fall completely off before but I was dragging behind diet parade. This week I didn't feel like I was faking it! And thank GOD for that because honestly I needed some time to just feel good about myself and everything. I've been stuck in these size 26's long enough don't you think?

Wish me luck for weigh in!

Today:
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1/2 serving pb: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 baked potato w/ cheese: 6
1 small chili: 4
1/2 serving boneless wings: 6
1 chicken fajita pizza (yay flatout wraps): 7
1 serving carrots: 0
1 yogurt: 2
32/38

Day 284

Sorry this is going to be a short one as I think I've caught what my husband had, and I'm feeling groggy. Thankfully I don't have as much congestion as he seemed to be dealing with. Needless to say - there was no gym today. Its alright, I have tomorrow, and if I don't feel better, its okay! I was completely on plan this week! Ugh, the congestion does mean that I didn't make it back to make more videos. I have two though and if everything else falls through I can make a few (less pretty) videos on my own.

Today:
2 whole grain waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1 ww icecream: 2
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1/2 cup corn: 1
2 serving soy sauce: 1
3 servings teriyaki: 2
1 cup hot tea: 0
1 serving honey: 1
1 serving Meatloaf Pizza Pie: 6
1 serving carrots: 0
1 serving meatloaf pizza pie: 7
1 blueberry muffin: 11
36/38

Day 230, 231

So after this post, posts will go back to being once a day again for the most part.

On Sunday at weigh in I gained 0.2lbs. I think the party on Saturday and the sodium involved had a bunch to do with it, and I could complain and shake my fist but honestly? It wasn't a great week. I had a really hard time motivating myself to go to the gym and work out, and then my sleep went haywire. I was finally able to sleep last night. I do not know what kept me awake for so long. It could be stress (like everything else is), but it hasn't ever happened like that before. I had this pain in my neck and one shoulder and I couldn't get comfortable and then my brain just. would. not. shut. up. I'm hoping that this was an isolated event and that it wont happen again. Not sleeping was horrible, I felt like a zombie, numb but mobile somehow. I took today off too (just from the gym) to get myself back together after being a head case for 3 days.

I think I am still having some trouble with getting back onto the groove of everything here. I keep losing my focus in day to day life. I think I need to go back to my rules, or perhaps re-evaluate them. Our meeting this week was about what was keeping us from success and I have been thinking a lot about that. My environment is not it. I think my environment is pretty conducive to my diet, especially now that I've moved. Some of it is my friends, but not all of them. I have trouble saying no, and some of them have trouble accepting or dealing with what I am trying to do. My time management and planning have something to do with it too. I end up late or I end up running out of time (like on Thursdays) and I never plan for a successful outcome. These are some of the things the WW booklet mentions, but honestly? Its me. I am the one who has trouble saying no, and budgeting my time. I never thought I was the kind of girl who gives in to social pressure (Never tried smoking, never done any drugs not even experimenting, and I don't really drink.), I don't even take a lot of tylenol. Food though? It has this hold on my feelings and emotions. It's connected to my sense of comfort and belonging and even love. That is pretty powerful. I'm in wonder of those people (and there are some!) who can make this long journey without addressing their psyche.

So for those of you who are new here or just new to this blog: Am I failing because I maintained/gained this week? No way! I am still over 83lbs down! Like I said before, a stumble or failure doesn't have to be the end. It is an inevitable part of a very long journey, and this wasn't even a stumble. Some of you are reading me now for motivation, so I wanted to say if you take anything from my blog I want it to be the ability to just keep going! It takes 6-8 weeks to make something a habit and so much less time to screw that back up. Most of us give up before we can even get into the groove which may not be that much easier, but it so worth it. We get paid for our results. We get to live and breathe a little longer and little more comfortably.

I have discovered (just now it hit me) that my biggest problem is that I have put a time limit on how long I want it to take me to lose weight. I gave myself 2 years. I'll be 28/29 and I want to have children so I gave myself this mental finish line. My body does what it has to and I lose weight at the speed of my commitment which isn't going to be the same every day. I'm human you know? I want to get it off in two years, but honestly? I still have a long road to travel and the idea that I'm setting myself back time wise every time I don't lose weight is making me crazy. So: No more time crunch. I still want the weight off fast, but more than that I just want it off. Wow, what a random epiphany.

I'm going to come back strong this week. I feel like a woman on a mission here. I will lose more weight!

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I did not go to the gym enough this week, but I did go twice.
2. I did pretty well again this week, but I took Sunday off food and exercise wise as I was pretty much dead to the world and needed the break from thinking...about anything.
3. I went to my meeting! I've hit every one since the start of the challenge breaking a streak of missing them pretty often!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 9 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I like that suddenly I have motivation and dreams again! Before my only dream (the only one I had left after gaining so much weight killed the rest) was to have children...then the weight killed that dream too. So I struck out at it in what I felt like was the last time I might even ever try. I had pretty much had it with everything at that moment. I started gaining ground and losing weight and suddenly I started feeling like there were more possibilities in my life. I feel like I have more open outcomes than I ever have before. It feels freeing, and that's what I'm after: Being free.

Today:
1 serving pasta: 3
1 serving veg sauce: 2
second serving: 6
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1 tbsp olive oil: 3
1 serving black bean sauce: 2
1 fruit bar: 2
1 serving fruit snack: 3
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 serving chicken pot pie: 7
1 yogurt: 2
1 (later) serving chicken pot pie: 7
40/40

Day 227, 228, 229

Today is my weigh in day, but it isn't for another few hours. I was going to save this bulk update for tonight, but I will just make my Day 230 update then. I need to talk about how this week is going.

Bad. My food is pretty good, but my exercise is down, though I went to the gym twice this week. I have not slept since Wednesday night. Thursday was karaoke. I went home after and went to bed. I fell asleep and 2 hours later I woke up and could not go back to sleep. This is turning into a pattern, and it isn't for lack of being tired. I haven't had this much trouble sleeping since way before I got married. Friday I had a lot of cooking to do for a function for that convention I help run. Then tonight (Saturday) was the function/party and I was on my feet for a bunch of it. I should be dead tired right? Yes, I am, but I cant seem to hit the magic button that turns my brain off for the night. I have weigh in and grocery shopping today and I am so non-functional that I'm useless at the moment. I also have a date planned with my husband that I may postpone.

I want to tell you all about how the party's theme was Deep Frying, and how I managed to avoid most of the bad foods, and how different I would have handled the whole thing a year ago, but I cant seem to get the words to come out right today. I'm just tired.

Anyway, please wish me luck energy for weigh in and my day. I need the boost!

Day 217

I am not feeling so well today. I have my (TMI ALERT) period. It is always like this. I had a great week last week and I am back on track, and now I get to face down this week of a lot less exercise (if any, it just has to be that way or I'll drive myself nuts with destroyed clothes and fatigue). Life always happens so I guess to succeed we have to work with it, and not against it. I did not go to the gym today, but I'm not ruling it out for tomorrow. I want to go. I feel different for having not gone, and I know I'd have felt better had I been able to go. If it wasn't for embarrassing myself I might have gone anyway. I am re reading this paragraph and I see that it seems down, but it isn't! I feel fine today. I also have some good stuff to talk about...

My measurements! The last measurements I have written down are from October, but I know I took them a month later, I just cant find them. After that however I had not taken any measurements until last night. I was thinking that with how slow the weight loss was being that I ought to look at my inches and I am so glad I did! I lost 8 3/4 inches on my hips, 4 1/4 inches on my waist, 6 1/4 inches on my bust, and 8 inches off of my underbust! There were more inches lost on my thighs, neck, and arms, but those above are the real confidence boosters. The only thing that worries me is my calf looks like it gained 1/2 an inch. I probably measured differently or something.

Spring Challenge Check in!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I rocked it this week! I was awesome!
2. Same as above, I think I might have come up one or two short on a day or two but I have to eat nine servings a day!
3. I went to my meeting and lost weight! Proof that I am on the right track again. Next week I go back with walking shoes!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 11 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I can write really well sometimes...or rather I used to. I haven't written in years. It used to be a dream of mine to write a novel. Something in the realm of urban fantasy, which is my favorite to read. People would tell me I was great, but I would always give up. I know this is going to sound strange, but being fat/obese made me feel dumb. I know that carbs in excess can make us "foggy" but I felt like a dull butter knife. I couldn't get out the words that I wanted to say in conversation or on paper. I'm starting to feel better, and I'm feeling antsy like maybe I should get back to writing again. I don't know what holds me back, but I bet its related to this journey! Everything else is!

Today:
1 serving bran flakes: 2
1/2 serving cheerios: 1
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 serving chicken tikka w/rice: 7
1 1/2 serving bean soup: 6
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 tbsp ranch: 1
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 enchilada: 8
1 1/2 cup corn: 3
1/2 enchilada: 4
1 tbsp ff sour cream: 1
1 fruit bar: 1
39/41

I got in all of my veggies again today! I had something else planned for dinner but when I looked at my food log I knew I needed something much heavier in veggies. My enchiladas pack 2 servings of fruits and veggies per serving, so I switched gears from Indian cuisine to Mexican/Texmex. I'm kinda proud of myself for that too. I saw the need and adapted to fill it.

Day 199, 200

Thursday was great! I went to the gym, did 35 minutes on the elliptical and my weight circuit. My food was good if a little low on the points end. Then we went to karaoke and for once I was not driving. So I decided to have a few drinks, and low and behold this morning was not so great. I felt like a ton of bricks. The husband and I are taking it easy, we aren't over eating, but for today I did not track. This makes me nervous because I haven't not tracked since September.

I was feeling ill today, so I did not make it to the track as planned but I should get out there tomorrow night. I now have a standing date with the girls to hit the track most nights of the week.

So as hard as this is, no food log tonight. Back tomorrow with everything as planned.

Day 182, 183, 184

We are moved in! Actually we were moved in yesterday, but I didn't have any secure internet. We had to get that straightened out, and then also naturally we were busy. Sorry I haven't been here. Honestly my diet parade has suffered a little. First I was sick last week with that wicked migraine and couldn't go to the gym, and then I was moving. I'm not really going to beat myself up over it all though because its life. Life is never as smooth as we plan it. I could have gone to the gym tonight but it has been the first night we have been able to relax since we moved in. So we are relaxing. I also didnt start counting my point again until today.

So a short post tonight as a comeback because I want time with my husband who has worked his tail off, but I do have a food log (so far for the night) for you. I hope that everyone else is having a great week!

Today:
1 leftover turkey burger: 3
w/cheese: 1
1 serving sweet potato fries: 3
1 serving bbq sauce: 1
3oz chicken breast: 3
1 arnolds san thin: 1
1 serving pickles: 0
1/2 serving swwet potato fries: 2
1 leftover turkey burger: 3
w/ cheese: 1
1/2 serving cheddar rice crisps: 1
1 pudding: 1
1 orange: 1
21/41

Today was a leftover eating day! But it was all on plan leftovers. Dinner is going to be chinese pineapple chicken with rice and some green veggies.

Day 179

I am going to make this update now because my husband is taking me to a movie for a bit of a change of pace tonight. It was hard for me to relax knowing that I had been planning to move on Sunday. I mean, I am still moving on Sunday, it just wont be in one day. Not to mention my ability to find whatever to worry about is just absolutely uncanny. Enough of that. My eating today has been good, and my fluid intake has been great. I need to keep my chin up here! I have great support on and offline and I'm not going to drown. That is my mantra for this week: I am not going to drown. I can swim!

1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving crackers: 1
1 whole wheat wrap: 2
1 egg: 2
1 serving ww cheese: 2
2 tbsp salsa: 0
3oz shredded potato: 1
1 tbsp ranch dressing: 1
100 cal pack cupcakes: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 ww yogurt: 1
1/8th of a light latte which was then promptly spilled by a combination of cat and roomie's husband: 1
21/41

Dinner is going to be barbie cups made with chicken, and peas on the side. Bringing my points to 29. So my husband and I are going to share some popcorn tonight at the movies. I'll be back to update the rest when I get home.

Awards Post #1

So since I have so much down time on my hands I figured I would fill in some places on my blog that I have been neglecting. First, the blog roll on the bottom right side of my blog. If you aren't there and you would like to be, I don't mind! Let me know. If I have been commenting on your blog, and you aren't there, no worries, I will be fixing that today! Second, I have been neglecting awards, and comments. Responding to comments is going to be a work in progress here, I want to make sure I respond more than I have been, but the volume is getting high! Please do not feel like I don't hear you. I do, and I appreciate your words!

This started out as 3 awards. I received a Creative Writing Award from both Lisa, and Esther (who I can not link as she no longer has a blog!). I'm sorry it has taken me so long to acknowledge these! I can no longer find the original posts! Its alright though, I think I can handle it.

The rules for the creative writer award are that you have to post 6 outrageous lies and 1 outrageous truth and then nominate 7 other blogs to receive this award. I guess people are supposed to guess at them?

1. I have more than 10 cats.
2. I have had the chicken pox twice.
3. I have been divorced.
4. I have an MA in political science.
5. I was a chess champion.
6. I have more than 10 dogs.
7. I have 3 middle names.

Then, recently, both my husband and I received a Sunshine Award from Skuttleboose! Thank you so much, its a very pretty award that lights up my little blog a bit!

"The Sunshine Award is awarded to bloggers whose positivity and creativity inspire others in the blogging world." The rules once this award is received are as follows:

1. Post the logo on blog.
2. Pass the award on to 12 fellow bloggers.
3. Link the nominees
4. Let nominees know they have won this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Share the love and link to the person you received this award from.

Well alright then! Again, there are so many of you who I believe deserve these awards! I have a very hard time nominating just a few from all of you, so if you dont have them already (and perhaps even if you do) I nominate you for these awards!

Day 177, 178

I'm back! Sorta. I have orders first from my doctor and then my friends and family to do nothing for a week. My doctor told me that if I worked I needed not to go in, and when I told her I didn't work, that I stayed at home, she asked who she could talk to to make sure I didn't do anything. I'm not really sure what that means honestly? No cooking, no cleaning? No moving. Yeesh, that's a pretty tall order. I am supposed to be moving on Sunday! However, the house I am moving out of is mine, and we don't really have any like solid need to be out time frame. So I think we are going to be taking our time, and I am just going to try and chill out. I have always gotten hives from stress, and stress has always had a very physical effect on me, but this is new. It started as a light headache on Sunday morning, buzzed right on up to incapacitating and finally subsided sometime in the a.m. this morning. The migraine (which would only be the 2nd in my entire life) kept me from eating, sleeping, and standing, as every movement hurt. I couldn't keep any food down at all. My doctor gave me a muscle relaxer/ pain aid and a sleeping pill. She told me to take something for nausea too. She suggested gently that during my upcoming physical I speak to my regular doctor about my anxiety. Honestly the reason that I never have is because I don't feel like anyone takes me seriously. I tried talking about it all through high-school and every one acted like I was just trying to be special. High-school ended for me on the day that I couldn't remember my own name (Way to big of a subject to add to a post tonight, there is just too much to tell.). Before anyone asked me if I was okay, they asked if I was on drugs. Seriously? I don't even smoke! So maybe I also have some angst about the subject. Sorry, tangent.

Anyway, so I am planning on talking to my doctor during my physical because honestly if my stress or anxiety is going to cause migraines like this one I need help. I have spent all day afraid of this pain coming back.

My eating was awful which you know, thanks to my husband, and yesterday it wasn't much better. I kept everything I ate down, but it wasn't very much. I was still feeling very nauseous. Today was much better, I made my points and managed to get in breakfast, lunch and dinner. We indulged a little tonight, and I had a sandwich and fries from a local sub shop.

With everything included my points were only 42/41 which puts me 1 point into my weekly points. Not too shabby after everything.

So, I do not think there will be any gym until Wednesday, which makes 1 week. Hopefully I will keep feeling better!

To everyone who commented: Yes, I have an amazing husband who took off 2 1/2 days to sit at our bedside and hold my hand and give me my medicine, and walk me to the bathroom in complete darkness. I would not trade him for all of the tea in China!

You guys are all so very wonderful and supportive. I know we are all doing this for ourselves in a way (we all have a plethora of reasons for why we do this, sometimes it is for our families, mine too) but I think that if I didn't have this to come back to every night I would not be this successful. You guys are my anchor here and without you I'm not sure I would come back at all. Thank you.

I will finally get to those awards tomorrow! I will have the time since I am apparently not allowed to do anything else! I'm going to be here trying to find things to do that don't involve stress! Yeah. I know...

Day 175

Today has been amazingly horrible. All day yesterday I was suffering a tension headache, quite literally all day. Last night was also awful, I got hardly any sleep and when I was asleep I was grinding my teeth because of the pain. So today my teeth hurt, as well as my head. I tried to go out today, after taking many pain killers only to find that the severe pain just keeps coming back. I don't know what caused the headache, but I know I'm completely non-functional. I cant pack, or cook, or concentrate very long, which is why you are receiving this update early tonight. I'm terribly tired from not being able to sleep last night and with this pain on top I'm afraid I wont be competent to post later.

I went to the mall with friends earlier because at the time my pain had receded some and I was afraid to sit at home miserable all day. I am now sitting at home with my head and neck wrapped in heating pads, overdosing on pain meds. Perhaps tomorrow I will rejoin the human race and catch up with what is going on in my life.

My food wasn't great today, but I managed to get in a lot of vegetables.

Today:
2 servings steamed veggies: 1
1 serving beef with broccoli: 3
1 serving spicy beef: 13
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
Leftover chili: 8
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1 serving chicken and green bean casserole: 9
1 ww yogurt: 1
38/41

I am planning on having a yogurt before going to bed to get in a little more dairy today!

Day 118

So I have been debating posting here for two days. In honesty I wasn't sure what to say. I have been trying to tell myself for weeks now that I wasn't depressed or cycling through a bout of depression. I've been trying to stay above water so to speak. Unfortunately I am in fact depressed, and it has been effecting everything in my life. I think I started to feel it right after Thanksgiving and haven't really felt right since. I have also been sick, though I am (cross your fingers, my throat is still pretty sore) feeling better now. I was so worried about coming back here and telling everyone that I am struggling, and I realized I was having the same sort of trouble with the gym. I feel so ashamed of myself, I feel like because I am struggling right now that it somehow means I have failed completely. I've realized that my expectations of what other peoples exceptions (isn't that confusing to read?) of me are is damaging my outlook. I'm doing this for me right? This revelation started on New Years day. The night before we had ordered out and had a good time, but the next day I felt very off. I didn't blow my diet, but my heart wasn't in it. The next day was my wake up call. It was Sunday and I skipped my meeting. I woke up when the alarm went off and I felt so overwhelmed in that moment that I just didn't get up. No excuses. I just did not go. Later when I did get up I had to take another one of those really long looks in the mirror. I wondered if I was quitting, I wondered if I wanted to quit. My husband told me over breakfast that he wasn't going to let me off so easily next Sunday. Honestly? I wanted to quit. In the last few days I have wanted so badly to comfort my depression with food. I have wanted to just stop thinking about everything for a while. In the long run though I know that it would hurt me pretty deeply to undue all that I have accomplished so far. Maybe this is part of it too. Maybe I need to stumble a little bit to get better footing here. Like perhaps having stumbled and moved on, it wont slow me down as much next time. I'm human, we all are, and I can't promise that every day is going to be great or that I am always going to have something positive to say. I am actually battling myself here! I am fighting years of built up walls and ingrained habits that have become instincts. I'm fighting genes, pcos and emotions. I am fighting to lose 252lbs. Everyday I get the confirmation that this is in fact the hardest thing I have ever set out to do, and as of this moment I am not failing. I stop now and catch my image in the long mirror in the hallway and I want to cry. I'm shocked. I look so different now. I can finally see it and now I'm struggling. Now? 54 pounds. How can I quit when something in me yearns so strongly to go on? The person who has the highest expectations of me is myself. I'm a pretty moderate perfectionist, and before this I have always felt like if I messed up or stalled I would have to start over. Over and over again. I said there would be no redo's here, and so there aren't. I don't need to wipe the slate clean, I need to learn from this. I am stronger than food, and food cant cure what ails me. Ever. Food will not make me less depressed, quite the opposite in fact. I'm not quitting.

This has been a hard year for me, one of the hardest in a long time. My day 100 came and went in the midst of this and I don't know if I really gave myself credit I deserved at the time. I have done a good job so far and I intend to go all of the way. I don't have any resolutions for the new year because I made mine back in September. I'm not back tracking, I am moving forward. I have some things that need to be moved back on track, but I'm back. My diet has been on point since Sunday, and my mom will be here at 5am to take me to an early morning gym session (not going to be a regular thing, but the New Years Resolution crowd at the gym is awful right now, and its easier to go in the AM), so hopefully that will become a regular thing again. I am going to start with smaller goals right now. I don't want to set myself back again by expecting more than I can or want to handle right now. What I want is to get back to exercising and back to feeling better both physically and mentally. So I give you the revised goals:

Revised goals (for this week only):

1. 150 minutes of cardio
2. 3 full circuits (2-4 sets each machine except the lat pulldown)
3. No extra points (starts Tomorrow and ends next Tuesday)
4. 3 days at least of the gym
5. Blog every day! It keeps me honest and clear headed.

Today:
1 fresco chicken burrito: 6
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 medium salad: 5
1 bag popcorn: 5
1 banana: 2
1 can veg soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
2 turkey burger patties: 4
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving pickles: 0
1 large baked yam: 4
1 tbsp honey: 1
1 cup green tea w/1 tbsp honey: 1
Total for the Day: 40/43

I will be updating later to add more tea! It feels so good on my throat.

I hope no one is put off by my honesty. It is the biggest reason that I blog. It keeps me honest. When I find that something (like this) has been really hard to say, I know even more that it needs to be said. I heal myself every time I get something like this out and I feel that my honesty is going to help me move on.

Day 111

I did really well today I think. I made it to the gym, stayed within my points and have made it to midnight (now) without going to bed. I made it to the gym! I needed to repeat that. I could only do about 2/3rds of my whole workout. Usually I do an hour on the treadmill, and 3 to 4 sets on each weight machine. Today I did almost a half hour on the treadmill and 2 sets on all of my weight machines. I just feel really weak, like I have had all of my strength drained away. I felt okay this morning, but as the day wore on I found myself nodding off, and by the time I got to the gym I was developing a head ache. I did it though, and tomorrow I will go and do my bit of cardio and then Wednesday I will go and do the circuit. I will just keep going until I am back where I was a month ago.

The only bad thing (not really bad either, choices choices...) I did today was go to lunch with my brother. I traded in my french fries for a baked potato, but still had the chicken sandwich. I'm in a chaotic emotional place (it would be a lot to explain) right now. I'm dealing through it, but I still feel the need for comfort, and I'm fighting the want to turn to food. That is its own little emotional battle.

I am going to try and remember to take measurements tonight as I missed then earlier this month.

Today:
1/3 order nachos: 6
1/2 roll : 1
5 oz chicken breast: 5
1 crab cake: 2
1 small baked potato: 3
1 serving ranch: 3
2 servings monteray jack: 6
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1/2 yogurt: 1
1 serving spaghetti: 4
1 serving sauce w meat: 3
1 chocolate (again, yep.): 2
Total for the Day: 43/43

I made it! I might use some extra points later. I'm trying to save most of them for New Year's Eve. Chad and I are going to veg out at home with some Indian take out. Okay, to explain the chocolate: My husband bought me a box of chocolates for Christmas. Not a huge box or anything, but yeah. I had given him the day off on Christmas, and even though I hadn't wanted to take one originally, I did in the end because I really needed the break. Now I have this half box of very nice chocolates in my fridge. I got rid of everything else, not these. I am going to eat one every day until they are gone. Just one though. I do believe myself control is getting a lot better, I just need to get back into the habit of making the right choices all throughout my day.