Day 118

So I have been debating posting here for two days. In honesty I wasn't sure what to say. I have been trying to tell myself for weeks now that I wasn't depressed or cycling through a bout of depression. I've been trying to stay above water so to speak. Unfortunately I am in fact depressed, and it has been effecting everything in my life. I think I started to feel it right after Thanksgiving and haven't really felt right since. I have also been sick, though I am (cross your fingers, my throat is still pretty sore) feeling better now. I was so worried about coming back here and telling everyone that I am struggling, and I realized I was having the same sort of trouble with the gym. I feel so ashamed of myself, I feel like because I am struggling right now that it somehow means I have failed completely. I've realized that my expectations of what other peoples exceptions (isn't that confusing to read?) of me are is damaging my outlook. I'm doing this for me right? This revelation started on New Years day. The night before we had ordered out and had a good time, but the next day I felt very off. I didn't blow my diet, but my heart wasn't in it. The next day was my wake up call. It was Sunday and I skipped my meeting. I woke up when the alarm went off and I felt so overwhelmed in that moment that I just didn't get up. No excuses. I just did not go. Later when I did get up I had to take another one of those really long looks in the mirror. I wondered if I was quitting, I wondered if I wanted to quit. My husband told me over breakfast that he wasn't going to let me off so easily next Sunday. Honestly? I wanted to quit. In the last few days I have wanted so badly to comfort my depression with food. I have wanted to just stop thinking about everything for a while. In the long run though I know that it would hurt me pretty deeply to undue all that I have accomplished so far. Maybe this is part of it too. Maybe I need to stumble a little bit to get better footing here. Like perhaps having stumbled and moved on, it wont slow me down as much next time. I'm human, we all are, and I can't promise that every day is going to be great or that I am always going to have something positive to say. I am actually battling myself here! I am fighting years of built up walls and ingrained habits that have become instincts. I'm fighting genes, pcos and emotions. I am fighting to lose 252lbs. Everyday I get the confirmation that this is in fact the hardest thing I have ever set out to do, and as of this moment I am not failing. I stop now and catch my image in the long mirror in the hallway and I want to cry. I'm shocked. I look so different now. I can finally see it and now I'm struggling. Now? 54 pounds. How can I quit when something in me yearns so strongly to go on? The person who has the highest expectations of me is myself. I'm a pretty moderate perfectionist, and before this I have always felt like if I messed up or stalled I would have to start over. Over and over again. I said there would be no redo's here, and so there aren't. I don't need to wipe the slate clean, I need to learn from this. I am stronger than food, and food cant cure what ails me. Ever. Food will not make me less depressed, quite the opposite in fact. I'm not quitting.

This has been a hard year for me, one of the hardest in a long time. My day 100 came and went in the midst of this and I don't know if I really gave myself credit I deserved at the time. I have done a good job so far and I intend to go all of the way. I don't have any resolutions for the new year because I made mine back in September. I'm not back tracking, I am moving forward. I have some things that need to be moved back on track, but I'm back. My diet has been on point since Sunday, and my mom will be here at 5am to take me to an early morning gym session (not going to be a regular thing, but the New Years Resolution crowd at the gym is awful right now, and its easier to go in the AM), so hopefully that will become a regular thing again. I am going to start with smaller goals right now. I don't want to set myself back again by expecting more than I can or want to handle right now. What I want is to get back to exercising and back to feeling better both physically and mentally. So I give you the revised goals:

Revised goals (for this week only):

1. 150 minutes of cardio
2. 3 full circuits (2-4 sets each machine except the lat pulldown)
3. No extra points (starts Tomorrow and ends next Tuesday)
4. 3 days at least of the gym
5. Blog every day! It keeps me honest and clear headed.

Today:
1 fresco chicken burrito: 6
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 medium salad: 5
1 bag popcorn: 5
1 banana: 2
1 can veg soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
2 turkey burger patties: 4
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving pickles: 0
1 large baked yam: 4
1 tbsp honey: 1
1 cup green tea w/1 tbsp honey: 1
Total for the Day: 40/43

I will be updating later to add more tea! It feels so good on my throat.

I hope no one is put off by my honesty. It is the biggest reason that I blog. It keeps me honest. When I find that something (like this) has been really hard to say, I know even more that it needs to be said. I heal myself every time I get something like this out and I feel that my honesty is going to help me move on.