Day 294

If you are anything like me then you have been fat for quite a long time. These days you have finally heard the bell, that little pang in your head that finally let the switch flip. These days everything that everyone (not making fun of you) always tried to say to you finally makes sense. The things about your life being better and about "food always" being there. Things that promised you that you wouldn't miss out, and that in fact even before you were done your whole life would change. People would tell us that it would cure and solve everything.

They were...mostly right. My life is so much better. I still weigh over 300lbs and I feel alive for the first time in my memory. One of my middle school teachers once said that there was a difference between "living" and "being alive". Being alive is a very stationary one dimensional sort of thing, and living is constant movement in a world with more dimensions than we can count. Food is still around, but I am developing a relationship with it that will help take care of me for the rest of my life. I don't know why I always felt like being on a diet would mean missing out! I'm finally not missing out! All that time spent worrying about missing out, what was I worried about missing out on? Food. It was my only source of pure enjoyment. These days I still think about food. The battle isn't over. Human beings can't divorce food, so we have to change our perception of it. In the mean time I am learning to get enjoyment from being outside, from walking with my husband, and from accomplishing physical tasks I never thought I'd be capable of. An hour on the elliptical? Me? A year ago I couldn't go more than ten minutes on the treadmill at 1.8 miles per hour holding onto the side bars. Now I enjoy the way I feel when I am sweating. I enjoy the feeling of sweating so hard that I have to shake the drops off of my glasses. That is what living feels like to me now. Not struggling to breathe down the sidewalk to the nearest kitchen to sit down and eat and for the air conditioning to cool away the sweat, the evidence of my hard work. Only back then the evidence of my hard work was embarrassing. I didn't want anyone to see that I broke into a bad sweat just walking 20 feet. I didn't want anyone to know I couldn't do it. I didn't want anything. My whole life is changing, so much so that when I stop to wonder what things will be like after losing the whole 252 lbs I can't. I feel like the outcomes are endless and that I could never imagine anything that will come close to the experience. No, losing weight itself isn't going to fix everything that is wrong with me and my life. Only I can do that. ...But back then when people were trying to talk some sense into me they were onto something. It is within our power to fix the things in our lives that give us grief, but how can we face them as shadows of ourselves? How can we face anything not knowing who we really are or what we are capable of? That is how decisions come to be regretted, and why I was never able to finish anything. I never knew why, but I'm starting to get an inkling.

The gym was good today. Do you ever bargain with the cardio machines? I do. You know what I mean..."Just 5 more minutes and then I will stop." Then you finish that up, but don't stop, "Okay, just to 25 minutes, that's good enough." Then you end up doing 30 anyway. I only really have these conversations with myself when I forget my ipod...which I did today. I still managed an entire hour on the elliptical, plus an hour of weights. I have my physical tomorrow afternoon so right after that I am going to hit the gym to get it out of the way early.

Oh, and I did weigh myself this morning! MY scale said 327.4. Here is the thing: Up until yesterday my scale every Sunday morning (and I checked because I wanted to know) would be almost exactly 2lbs higher than the WW scale. On Sunday morning my scale at home said 329.6...which is what the WW scale said also. It was a different scale (there are 3), one I've never weighed on before. I have weighed in on the same scale since the first weigh in! Yeah I know, crazy...but then I've seen ladies take curlers out of their hair while in the line to be weighed. So now, my attempt to not weigh myself again until at least this coming Sunday, hopefully the one after that at the meeting.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1/2 serving pb: 2
1 serving sun chips: 3
1 serving salsa: 0
1 serving beef and veg stew: 5
1 banana: 2
1 low fat wrap: 1
1 serving dirty rice: 6
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving salsa: 0
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
1 serving mixed greens: 0
1 serving red pepper: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving carrots: 0
1 serving tomato: 0
1/4 cup chic peas: 0
1/2 serving ff ranch: 1
1 italian ice: 3
1 serving light chips: 3
1/4 cup salsa: 0
3oz cheese: 3
38/38 + 6/35

Day 230, 231

So after this post, posts will go back to being once a day again for the most part.

On Sunday at weigh in I gained 0.2lbs. I think the party on Saturday and the sodium involved had a bunch to do with it, and I could complain and shake my fist but honestly? It wasn't a great week. I had a really hard time motivating myself to go to the gym and work out, and then my sleep went haywire. I was finally able to sleep last night. I do not know what kept me awake for so long. It could be stress (like everything else is), but it hasn't ever happened like that before. I had this pain in my neck and one shoulder and I couldn't get comfortable and then my brain just. would. not. shut. up. I'm hoping that this was an isolated event and that it wont happen again. Not sleeping was horrible, I felt like a zombie, numb but mobile somehow. I took today off too (just from the gym) to get myself back together after being a head case for 3 days.

I think I am still having some trouble with getting back onto the groove of everything here. I keep losing my focus in day to day life. I think I need to go back to my rules, or perhaps re-evaluate them. Our meeting this week was about what was keeping us from success and I have been thinking a lot about that. My environment is not it. I think my environment is pretty conducive to my diet, especially now that I've moved. Some of it is my friends, but not all of them. I have trouble saying no, and some of them have trouble accepting or dealing with what I am trying to do. My time management and planning have something to do with it too. I end up late or I end up running out of time (like on Thursdays) and I never plan for a successful outcome. These are some of the things the WW booklet mentions, but honestly? Its me. I am the one who has trouble saying no, and budgeting my time. I never thought I was the kind of girl who gives in to social pressure (Never tried smoking, never done any drugs not even experimenting, and I don't really drink.), I don't even take a lot of tylenol. Food though? It has this hold on my feelings and emotions. It's connected to my sense of comfort and belonging and even love. That is pretty powerful. I'm in wonder of those people (and there are some!) who can make this long journey without addressing their psyche.

So for those of you who are new here or just new to this blog: Am I failing because I maintained/gained this week? No way! I am still over 83lbs down! Like I said before, a stumble or failure doesn't have to be the end. It is an inevitable part of a very long journey, and this wasn't even a stumble. Some of you are reading me now for motivation, so I wanted to say if you take anything from my blog I want it to be the ability to just keep going! It takes 6-8 weeks to make something a habit and so much less time to screw that back up. Most of us give up before we can even get into the groove which may not be that much easier, but it so worth it. We get paid for our results. We get to live and breathe a little longer and little more comfortably.

I have discovered (just now it hit me) that my biggest problem is that I have put a time limit on how long I want it to take me to lose weight. I gave myself 2 years. I'll be 28/29 and I want to have children so I gave myself this mental finish line. My body does what it has to and I lose weight at the speed of my commitment which isn't going to be the same every day. I'm human you know? I want to get it off in two years, but honestly? I still have a long road to travel and the idea that I'm setting myself back time wise every time I don't lose weight is making me crazy. So: No more time crunch. I still want the weight off fast, but more than that I just want it off. Wow, what a random epiphany.

I'm going to come back strong this week. I feel like a woman on a mission here. I will lose more weight!

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I did not go to the gym enough this week, but I did go twice.
2. I did pretty well again this week, but I took Sunday off food and exercise wise as I was pretty much dead to the world and needed the break from thinking...about anything.
3. I went to my meeting! I've hit every one since the start of the challenge breaking a streak of missing them pretty often!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 9 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I like that suddenly I have motivation and dreams again! Before my only dream (the only one I had left after gaining so much weight killed the rest) was to have children...then the weight killed that dream too. So I struck out at it in what I felt like was the last time I might even ever try. I had pretty much had it with everything at that moment. I started gaining ground and losing weight and suddenly I started feeling like there were more possibilities in my life. I feel like I have more open outcomes than I ever have before. It feels freeing, and that's what I'm after: Being free.

Today:
1 serving pasta: 3
1 serving veg sauce: 2
second serving: 6
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1 tbsp olive oil: 3
1 serving black bean sauce: 2
1 fruit bar: 2
1 serving fruit snack: 3
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 serving chicken pot pie: 7
1 yogurt: 2
1 (later) serving chicken pot pie: 7
40/40

Day 138

...was a long one. I did make it to my meeting and I gained 1.2lbs. Yep, this is my first gain since I started. I know, I know everyone does. I just honestly felt like I was really on last week until Saturday night, which honestly might have something to do with it. I woke up on Sunday morning pretty swollen. My face was puffy and my ring was tight. I think perhaps the drink and the saltiness of the food provided for us at the convention were too much. Not to mention it being on the last of my period...I was retaining a lot of water.

I know that I need to step this up, I'm just not sure what that means right now. Before this, a small gain would have meant game over for me because I couldnt take it...now I just want to make the loss happen even more. Reviewing the previous week I did in fact go to the gym, and as I have said I will no longer beat myself up for the lack of movement during my period...but still. I think I ate a very unbalanced week. Too many carbs, not enough vegetables and not enough water. We had a large amount of starches and all of the grains being used were white. my eating schedule was terrible and I was falling back into binging at night to make up the points.

I'm not going to cry over it (because I did that earlier and I'm okay now), but I am going to do better this week. The war continues and it was hard to post this here but I felt like I really really needed to.

Today:
1 pop tart (fiber one): 3
1 cup mandarin oranges: 1
1/4 small chili: 1
1 large salad: 6
1 serving light chicken tikka masala incl rice: 6
1 ww frozen meal: 5
1 serving chicken and green bean casserole: 9
later 2nd serving of casserole: 9
1 serving light crackers: 2
42/43

I got in around 8 servings of veggies because of the enormous salad, and the green bean casserole is laden with greens.

There will be another update tonight for today (139). This entry was just very hard for me and I needed time to let my words be anything but reactionary. I'm not really upset anymore, I'm going to sit down tonight and really work out what I need to do vs what I can do and see if I can push it without becoming overwhelmed. I know where I am lacking, but not everything feels clear. I'm still on the path, but my marching is a little off rhythm you know?

Day 34

I am doing this early while I still have the courage to. I will update it later to include my food for the day.

I only lost .4lbs this week. Now, I know a loss is a loss, and that it isn't a gain, but it is still pretty disappointing. I did 260 minutes of cardio this week, and 3 days of weight machines. I think my exercise was excellent. My food choices this week were not so great. I think its time to evaluate and adjust.

This past week I haven't gotten in enough veggies, and my water intake has suffered. Not to mention that I have been making up too many points with bad snacks (hence the twix bar last night). I also ate sushi twice this week. Sushi by itself isn't that bad, but I ate too much, and its really hard to be exact about points eaten out. I've fallen back into eating a large portion of my points in the 4 hours before bed and I've also stopped taking my multi vitamin regularly.

The thing is, even with all of this I do not believe that I have gone over my weekly points, I do believe I should have lost more weight this week. I have a strong feeling that the fact that I ate everything that I ate all day last night in the 4 hours before bed added to my weigh in. Hey, fair is fair. .4lbs is my loss for the week. Its on the books. If I am right and I can kick some of my bad habits, I should make a nice showing next week.

New rules for myself based off of my observations for this week:
1. Nine servings of fruits and veggies. Every day.
2. No more eating out unless I know the points before I go. The exact points.
3. More water.
4. No food after 2am.
5. Better snacks! Sometimes the comfort stuff is okay, but I need to stop letting it be a way for me to make my points at the end of the day.
6. Trust myself. Last night I was sitting at 32 points, and I was full. I knew I was full. I know you shouldn't go under your points, but I feel like its counter productive to eat past your full feeling. This diet is about more than points. Its about portion sizes and knowing your hunger signals and not getting them mixed up with emotions or boredom. I knew I should have been done last night, but I let people convince me to eat the twix anyway. It wasn't them, it was me.
7. On Saturday before weigh ins, I need to eat light meals, stopping by 11pm. Not because I want to make myself suffer or affect the scale subversively, but because my schedule is so different than most peoples.

I also want to take my cardio from 25/25 to 35/35 but I need time to figure out if that is my being determined or trying to punish myself. I want to be good to myself, I need to be. Its just hard knowing that I can do much better, that I should have for that matter. I have to find a way to separate my weight from my feelings of self worth. Maybe that will take time too.

I want to be tenacious. I am determined. I will be successful. I just need to remember the title of this blog. This is a journey, and as such there will be up hill battles and down hill battles. Fasten your seat belts people, this is bound to be a bumpy ride.

Edit for food:

Today:
1 cup cooked oatmeal: 2pts
1 cup blue berries: 1pts
1 cup 1% milk: 2pts
1 orange: 1pts
1 serving fresh spinach: 0pts
1 serving salad topper: 1pts
1/2 serving shredded cheddar: 1pts
1 serving salad dressing: 1pts
1 cup red grapes: 1pts
1 banana: 2pts
19 Natures Promise BBQ Soy Crisps: 2pts
1 whole wheat bagel: 2pts
1 serving roasted red pepper sauce w/veggies: 3pts
1 serving light mozzarella: 2pts
1 Serving Chicken Tikka Masala "light" incl. rice: 8pts
1/2 serving whole wheat naan: 3pts
1 chobani blueberry greek yogurt: 3pts
1 arnold wheat thin: 1pts
1 serving spinach dip/spread: 1pts
1 serving turkey breast: 2pts
1 serving american cheese: 1pts
1 serving pickles: 0pts
1 16oz coffee with splenda and pumpkin spice creamer: 3pts
Total for the Day: 44/44