Day 294

If you are anything like me then you have been fat for quite a long time. These days you have finally heard the bell, that little pang in your head that finally let the switch flip. These days everything that everyone (not making fun of you) always tried to say to you finally makes sense. The things about your life being better and about "food always" being there. Things that promised you that you wouldn't miss out, and that in fact even before you were done your whole life would change. People would tell us that it would cure and solve everything.

They were...mostly right. My life is so much better. I still weigh over 300lbs and I feel alive for the first time in my memory. One of my middle school teachers once said that there was a difference between "living" and "being alive". Being alive is a very stationary one dimensional sort of thing, and living is constant movement in a world with more dimensions than we can count. Food is still around, but I am developing a relationship with it that will help take care of me for the rest of my life. I don't know why I always felt like being on a diet would mean missing out! I'm finally not missing out! All that time spent worrying about missing out, what was I worried about missing out on? Food. It was my only source of pure enjoyment. These days I still think about food. The battle isn't over. Human beings can't divorce food, so we have to change our perception of it. In the mean time I am learning to get enjoyment from being outside, from walking with my husband, and from accomplishing physical tasks I never thought I'd be capable of. An hour on the elliptical? Me? A year ago I couldn't go more than ten minutes on the treadmill at 1.8 miles per hour holding onto the side bars. Now I enjoy the way I feel when I am sweating. I enjoy the feeling of sweating so hard that I have to shake the drops off of my glasses. That is what living feels like to me now. Not struggling to breathe down the sidewalk to the nearest kitchen to sit down and eat and for the air conditioning to cool away the sweat, the evidence of my hard work. Only back then the evidence of my hard work was embarrassing. I didn't want anyone to see that I broke into a bad sweat just walking 20 feet. I didn't want anyone to know I couldn't do it. I didn't want anything. My whole life is changing, so much so that when I stop to wonder what things will be like after losing the whole 252 lbs I can't. I feel like the outcomes are endless and that I could never imagine anything that will come close to the experience. No, losing weight itself isn't going to fix everything that is wrong with me and my life. Only I can do that. ...But back then when people were trying to talk some sense into me they were onto something. It is within our power to fix the things in our lives that give us grief, but how can we face them as shadows of ourselves? How can we face anything not knowing who we really are or what we are capable of? That is how decisions come to be regretted, and why I was never able to finish anything. I never knew why, but I'm starting to get an inkling.

The gym was good today. Do you ever bargain with the cardio machines? I do. You know what I mean..."Just 5 more minutes and then I will stop." Then you finish that up, but don't stop, "Okay, just to 25 minutes, that's good enough." Then you end up doing 30 anyway. I only really have these conversations with myself when I forget my ipod...which I did today. I still managed an entire hour on the elliptical, plus an hour of weights. I have my physical tomorrow afternoon so right after that I am going to hit the gym to get it out of the way early.

Oh, and I did weigh myself this morning! MY scale said 327.4. Here is the thing: Up until yesterday my scale every Sunday morning (and I checked because I wanted to know) would be almost exactly 2lbs higher than the WW scale. On Sunday morning my scale at home said 329.6...which is what the WW scale said also. It was a different scale (there are 3), one I've never weighed on before. I have weighed in on the same scale since the first weigh in! Yeah I know, crazy...but then I've seen ladies take curlers out of their hair while in the line to be weighed. So now, my attempt to not weigh myself again until at least this coming Sunday, hopefully the one after that at the meeting.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1/2 serving pb: 2
1 serving sun chips: 3
1 serving salsa: 0
1 serving beef and veg stew: 5
1 banana: 2
1 low fat wrap: 1
1 serving dirty rice: 6
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving salsa: 0
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
1 serving mixed greens: 0
1 serving red pepper: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving carrots: 0
1 serving tomato: 0
1/4 cup chic peas: 0
1/2 serving ff ranch: 1
1 italian ice: 3
1 serving light chips: 3
1/4 cup salsa: 0
3oz cheese: 3
38/38 + 6/35