Day 361

Alrighty, so the bright side of being barely able to eat all week? I now get full easier and I had a really good weigh in. I lost 9.6lbs this week (and I am sure that some of it is water being that I was/am probably a bit dehydrated) bringing my total loss to 98lbs and my current weight to 319.8.

I go back to the gym tomorrow (and at least Wednesday and Friday) to hopefully lose just two more by next Sunday.

So my throat is mostly healed. It gets a little sore right after I eat and in the morning it was not great, but for what its worth the only symptom I have left is tiredness. I think getting moving (but taking it a little easy at first) is probably the cure.

Today:
1 baked potato w/cheese: 7
1/2 small chili: 2
1 hot dog w bun: 6
3 oz chicken breast: 3
2 oz (or less) lean steak: 3
1/2 cup grapes: 0
1 cup broccoli: 0
2 slices pineapple: 0
1 cup baby carrots: 0
1/2 cup fruit salad: 2
2 tbsp dip: 2
1/2 bag popcorn: 3
1 tbsp spicy olive oil: 3
2 servings broccoli slaw: 1
1 serving enchilada filling: 4
1 wedge laughing cow cheese: 1
37/38

I bought some champagne grapes today at the produce stand. I think for dinner I am going to make some quick chicken salad and add the grapes in. Hmm... I think I did well at the cook out though. I sampled some of the meat, and I did eat a whole hot dog, but I didn't eat any dessert and my second plate was entirely fruit. You know what? I didn't miss anything. I feel so much better for having stuck to it.

On the road again...

edit: Scratch that. Chicken salad is a great idea for lunch tomorrow. Tonight I had some broccoli slaw sauted in some spicy olive oil with a serving of the leftover enchilada filling and a wedge of laughing cow cheese. Yes.

Day 337

Still here, still going on.

I haven't made it back to the gym yet, despite wanting to. I feel like I am stuck and I don't quite know how to get moving again. I'm not gaining, so don't panic. I'm still on plan. I'm just not doing as well as before and I'm not losing.

I have an appointment to see my obgyn this month and 2 more to recheck my triglycerides. I feel like I'm coming to a cross roads here. I need one more year on birth control. I need it. Emotionally I cant handle this battle and the one that drives me to have kids at the same time. Now this will only be the end of my first year ever (in my life) on birth control, but now I'm wondering if it isn't what is elevating my triglycerides (research).

I'm also dealing with (still) the emotional fallout (all of my own doing) from everyone around me having babies or getting pregnant. It is way to easy to forget that it could happen, and that I am actively preventing now in order to make it more likely later. Its easy to trip and fall into that dark hole. I find myself needing to pull away socially in certain situations. I know, I know. I need to get up and stop crying and run towards my dreams and goals instead of whining about it and letting it get away from me.

What am I doing? I can not tell you how many times in the last few weeks this has been the thought in the front of my mind. I need to kick my own but into gym gear. Into commitment gear. I haven't given up, but dang have I ever let some of the direction go. Here I am looking in the mirror again, but now things have changed and the picture is feeling kind of fuzzy.

I've said it a million times, but don't give up on me. I am determined to lose the rest of my weight, and my burden. I'm not taking my time on purpose. I think that its just life.

Today:
1 homemade burger w cheese no bun: 6
sauted onions and peppers: 1
1 waffle: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 1/2 servings cheddar rice crisps: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 banana: 2
1 cup watermelon: 1
1 cup rice: 4
1 serving sauted green beans with peppers and onions: 1
1 serving crock pot cantonese pork: 7
1/2 serving dinner (pork, greenbeans, and rice): 7
38/38 + 1/23 (used some this week)

Day 330

So I know I have been gone long enough to scare some of you, but I have never meant to be away so long. Was I struggling this entire time? Oh yeah, right up until today in fact. However the week that I made that last post was the beginning of a very busy time for me. I know I spoke about Otakon to you guys before and how I run the Art Show there once a year. I've told you all how hard the work there was. Well, this year it wasn't as hard, but I pushed myself harder because of it. My feet were already hurting so badly by Friday night that I could not walk without shoes on! I got there on Wednesday afternoon and left for home on Monday afternoon, and I am finally feeling better today. I am crazy excited that I was able to run around so much more and do so much more of the physical work myself!

Now that is where I have been, but my struggle? It started a while ago. I've been struggling on and off all year now and I'm not sure how to turn it off. I feel like my motivation is just as strong as ever, and I am never going to give up but I seem to have trouble getting my nose back down to the grind stone here. I stopped myself tonight and started questioning myself. Why am I stalling myself? Why am I going out of my way to comfort myself with food when I know even before I do it that I will pay for it emotionally and physically later? I hurt myself and then I hurt myself for hurting myself.

I can't answer these things yet. As far into my journey as I have come and I still can not answer some of the simple why's that everyone else can. This doesn't make me feel shame, but maybe a little bit of fear. I wonder if I will ever get back into the habit without so many slips and falls if I am never able to identify all of the triggers?

We all have these moments...the ones where we question our motives and even our provable progress. I found myself wondering if I even wanted the things I want as bad as I say I do if I cant even stick to this for longer than a week or two without a misstep! But that isn't what this is about is it? It isnt about the roller coaster ride, the size 8, or even the kids I am desperate to have. It is about me winning a battle over control of myself and my destiny. I have a path before me and it's rough. People talk about weight loss in so many ways. Everyone has an opinion about how its done and how hard or easy it is. I think in some ways we decide our own difficulty levels, but I also think that most of us aren't aware of that, and that even if we are we are still capable of catching ourselves unaware.

I'm sure I have set myself back a bit over the last week or two, but I'm not ready to call it quits yet. Like I said before, I wont fail until I decide to. And while I thought long and hard about that this week I know I'm not done yet. Someone commented on my weight loss at con this year and I looked and my husband and I could see just how proud he was of me and then I felt shame. I felt it because I know I can do better than this...and so I will.

Regular updates back tomorrow. Thanks for believing in me guys.

Day 309

What was your "last straw"?

I read through a really interesting thread on the Weight Watchers boards tonight. The original poster talked about how she experienced what she thought should be her last straw, but that she had experienced things like that before. She was asking what everyone thought her problem was, and what everyone else considered their "last straw".

I don't think there is anything "wrong" with you if you are experiencing this. In fact, I think it's pretty normal. Yes, we (most of us) eventually come to a place in time, or a moment that sends us over that uncertain edge toward real weight loss and lifelong health, but that doesn't mean we haven't had several wake up calls in the mean time. The fact of the matter is that until we are ready to change and make sacrifices we aren't ready to make it. So you don't like writing down what you eat, you don't like cooking, you don't like going out when it's really hot, you don't like vegetables or you just don't feel like the effort. Then you are currently in waiting. You are waiting for your brain to catch up with your body. Your body already knows that it is suffering, but your brain still thinks of suffering as giving up daily ice cream, or walking to the mail box instead of driving.

When I was in middle school the kids used to make fun of me by stomping on the floor as I walked by. It wasn't enough.

When I was in high school I could not get through gym class, and I once heard one of my classmates tell the boy I had a crush on: "If I ever get that big, promise me you will kill me." It wasn't enough.

After high school I had wake up after wake up. Not being able to walk, not being able to buy clothes. Breaking lawn furniture, my bed. Not being able to fit into a seat on the bus, not being able to wear a seat belt. I was not able to fit in the desk/chair combos at school. It was not enough.

I weighed 384lbs the first time I ever became serious about losing weight, and I lost 45lbs. It wasn't enough. I lost momentum, and my heart wasn't in it. I was not determined and I had no idea what it meant to not quit. At that point in my life I had quit every single thing I had ever started. I felt like perfection was the only mark that made a winner, and I was wrong. It was easier to let the progress go than it was to forgive myself and make the sacrifice.

I weighed over 400lbs when I went to New Orleans and was almost unable to see the things I wanted to because of not being able to walk. It was not enough.

I weighed over 400lbs when I realized that I would never be able to have children like this. I was over 400lbs when I realized that I would never ride a bike again, or a roller coaster. That I would never run, or jog, or walk my dogs. I realized at over 400lbs that I had no future. Everything I had ever dreamed of was gone. Nothing was possible. I made a doctors appointment, and their scale could not weigh me. I had to go to the mall and pay to weigh in on a scale that went up to 500lbs. I got birth control, and while I was waiting for it to be filled I sat mourning the person I never was.

Apparently, that was enough.

I will never ever forget that day. I feel like it has been burned into the deepest part of my brain and all of the newly formed pathways lead me right back to that place. I will never be that girl again, but I will never forget her. She was my "last straw".

You wont make all of the sacrifices all of the time. That's pretty normal. I wont go for a walk in a thunderstorm and you know what? Sometimes I have ice cream, sometimes I even have it every day. All of the things you think you are going to lose, or hate or just wont be able to deal with - they are so superficial! Besides that they are just not true. Worse case scenario: You eat less ice cream, or less fat ice cream. You walk when it isn't raining, and you try your best to forgive yourself so that you can keep going after deciding on eating a whole pint of ice cream, or skipping the gym longer than you should. It never has to be the end unless you decide to give up. I made my decision about a year ago sitting outside the pharmacy at Wal-Mart looking at a girl mourning herself. I wasn't ready for a funeral. How about you?

Today:
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 fiber one yogurt: 0
1/3 serving pot roast: 2
1 serving potato: 3
1 serving carrots: 0
1 green giant just for one frozen broccoli and cheese: 0
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/2 serving lunch meat: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving mustard: 0
1 thick slice tomato: 0
1 cup spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving baked salsa chicken: 4
1 serving mexican rice: 5
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 serving ice cream: 3
1 (swest) egg roll: 6
edited to add:
1 fruit smoothie: 2
38/38 + 1/35 (my points rolled over today)

Day 298

Being active isn't the same thing as working out. I know that. We all know that. I was active today, very active. In fact I just finally sat down in my living room to relax for the first time tonight. I did not go to the gym today. I meant to. Have you ever had a day like that? All is not lost though! I still have the reigns! I accomplished a lot today and it made me feel good, and I didn't sit on my butt all day.

I have another long day tomorrow loaded with pitfalls. A family cook out! I plan to spend most of the day in the swimming pool. My aunt's house is also located in a beautiful neighborhood, I might take a walk/jog while over there. These family things usually last all day long and a walk will take my mind off of all of the food and provide some motivation to get me through the day.

I posted some before and after pictures last night on my side bar (I'm slowly going to clean the side bar up and hopefully make it more useful!) but I want to post these two here as well.

This was me in March of 2009 on a swamp tour of the bayou in Louisiana. At this point in time I did not know I weighed over 400lbs because I hadn't weighed myself in a very long time. I have a very hard time recognizing this person. I remember the pain and how I cried walking back to the hotel from the French Quarter. It wasn't all bad though. I remember feeling brave afterward. I remember being so afraid of getting on the river boat. I was afraid I would rock it hard enough for people to really notice. I didn't though and it ended up being one of my favorite parts of the trip.

This was taken last night because I wanted something to compare it to. It was kind of shocking. Pictures are so revealing even when we can look in the mirror and see the evidence pictures are somehow better. Up until last night when I looked in the mirror I saw the person in the first picture...and now? Now I'm not sure I recognize her. She was miserable. She was looking for ways to make herself feel happy and normal that didn't involve losing weight. She was trying to become a mother. She couldn't have chased after a child, She could hardly tie her shoes. I could hardly tie my shoes. I could not walk. I cried sometimes at night when I thought about whether or not I would be here in the morning. I couldn't shave my legs...because I couldn't reach all of the way around them. I would constantly ask my husband, "How can you love me?" I'm not being dramatic. I wondered because I didn't love me, I had no idea what loving myself would entail. I didn't wonder what was possible...because I knew intrinsically that nothing was. I knew without asking that at the weight I was at, deduced by just how miserable I felt mentally and physically, that I was shortening my life by what could be as much as several decades. I think I actually went through the stages of grief on that one. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then Acceptance. Only when I got to acceptance something happened.

I decided to live, and in the course of this journey have discovered how to love myself, and how to cope. I have discovered what it means to really be alive. That girl on the river boat? She was viewing life through a dirty window. I'm going outside. I can walk several miles at a pretty normal pace, no tears. I'm tying my shoes and shaving my legs because I can reach every single inch of my body. I don't wake up with pain anymore! I don't worry about dying in my sleep anymore and I can't even begin to count the possibilities I have to look forward to.

What are you looking forward to? Non scale goals!

Today:
2 ww lf waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1/2 sandwich from subway: 5
w mayo: 1
w cheese: 1
1 bite of moms hot dog: 1
1 serving baked lays: 3
1 serving taco soup: 3
1 serving corn bread: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 2
1 serving roasted pork chops: 4
1 serving stuffing: 3
1 serving corn on the cob: 2
1/2 bag popcorn: 2
1/2 serving craisins: 1
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 pork chop: 4
1 cup homemade hot chocolate: 4
38/38 + 6/28

Day 297

So remember what I said about taking the reigns? I've got them. I worked out today, though not at the gym... It was a beautiful day here in Baltimore and I couldn't just stay inside!

A lot of the people who have or who read blogs do not have a gym membership like I do. It takes courage to go to the gym and sweat very hard in front of people you don't know. It's also hard to imagine yourself (if you are as big as I am or was) getting onto any of those machines and not breaking them. Trust me though, they will hold you, and they will change the way you feel about working out too. The gym (especially if you are going to add strength training to your routine) is a very valuable asset to the journey.

Now, for those of us not ready there are plenty of other things you can do to get your heart rate up!

This is the park near my house. I decided that since tonight is karaoke night and I had a lot to do at home I would get some cardio in at the park and enjoy some fresh air.

There is a bike trail that winds through a lot of my part of Baltimore and it cuts through the park here, which makes for wonderful walking/jogging/breathing hard.

Despite being in the middle of the city, its actually quite beautiful here, though different from when I was younger.

My grandfather taught me how to ride a bike right in this area here. There used to be fences and swings and monkey bars a jungle gym and concrete paths.

He would sit on a wooden bench here, with his Siamese cat on his shoulder while I played. I really miss him. I did not expect the park to drag out memories that way but they are very good ones. It made me sad, but not in a bad way. It was hard to leave this spot today.

I used to go to the community center here for games and organized sports for kids. It is where my brother won his first trophy. Kids still play basket ball here.

So I walked and jogged (a little, on and off, and it wasn't as bad as last time at all!). Then Before I left I ran up and down these stairs several times before walking home.

I think it was actually a great workout. Refreshing and out of the ordinary. And it definitely got my heart rate up! This is not a pretty picture, its a sweaty one! Though there was a very nice breeze today so it wasn't as bad as at the gym.

I will post my food, but this entry is coming so early a lot of my points aren't used yet. I have karaoke tonight and I wanted to make sure this post was made!

Edited to post food:

Today:
1 chicken sandwich: 5
w/ honey mustard: 1
1 side salad: 1
w/ spicy dressing: 4
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
1 serving taco soup: 7
1 serving corn bread: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
6 hours later:
1/2 serving taco soup: 3
1 serving corn bread: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
38/38

Day 296

So I had a bad night last night. I ended up eating a few things that I shouldn't have out of stress. I guess that would be binging? Right. This morning I was all set to beat myself up over it. You see, this is my pattern of stumbling. I get stressed, I screw up, I get depressed and so on and so forth. This afternoon after a morning of wallowing I decided that I was tired of it. No, I'm not always going to be able to fight it off but when I feel like I have a choice, don't I have to make it? All throughout this journey I've had light bulbs going on all over the place and I feel like this was one of them. One of those moments when another flip switches. One day, one meal, one bad choice did not get me to 417.8 lbs and still wont. It took a series of bad choices, a lifetime of bad days filled with bad meals. I am not the girl I used to be! I got up, off of my pathetic wallowing butt, put on my gym clothes and off I went. I upped the resistance on the elliptical today and went for another hour. It was a lot like the sweat washed away all of the tension and worry of the last few days. I feel better, and when I came out of the gym I made myself a promise: I will get to 100 lbs lost (or as close as is humanly possible, don't think that if I miss the mark a little I am going to kick myself.) in the next two weeks. The thing is, even if I cant, I am going to work at it like I can. I am tired of not feeling in control. To a certain extent yes, our bodies do what they want. But I am able to make choices that influence what my body does. This is me, taking the reigns.

Today:
2 ww waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving doritos: 4
1 serving enchiladas: 7
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving enchiladas: 7
1 1/2 cup strawberries (fresh): 1
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving carrots: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving tortilla strips: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving crasins: 2
3 tbsp light ranch: 3
35/38

Day 294

If you are anything like me then you have been fat for quite a long time. These days you have finally heard the bell, that little pang in your head that finally let the switch flip. These days everything that everyone (not making fun of you) always tried to say to you finally makes sense. The things about your life being better and about "food always" being there. Things that promised you that you wouldn't miss out, and that in fact even before you were done your whole life would change. People would tell us that it would cure and solve everything.

They were...mostly right. My life is so much better. I still weigh over 300lbs and I feel alive for the first time in my memory. One of my middle school teachers once said that there was a difference between "living" and "being alive". Being alive is a very stationary one dimensional sort of thing, and living is constant movement in a world with more dimensions than we can count. Food is still around, but I am developing a relationship with it that will help take care of me for the rest of my life. I don't know why I always felt like being on a diet would mean missing out! I'm finally not missing out! All that time spent worrying about missing out, what was I worried about missing out on? Food. It was my only source of pure enjoyment. These days I still think about food. The battle isn't over. Human beings can't divorce food, so we have to change our perception of it. In the mean time I am learning to get enjoyment from being outside, from walking with my husband, and from accomplishing physical tasks I never thought I'd be capable of. An hour on the elliptical? Me? A year ago I couldn't go more than ten minutes on the treadmill at 1.8 miles per hour holding onto the side bars. Now I enjoy the way I feel when I am sweating. I enjoy the feeling of sweating so hard that I have to shake the drops off of my glasses. That is what living feels like to me now. Not struggling to breathe down the sidewalk to the nearest kitchen to sit down and eat and for the air conditioning to cool away the sweat, the evidence of my hard work. Only back then the evidence of my hard work was embarrassing. I didn't want anyone to see that I broke into a bad sweat just walking 20 feet. I didn't want anyone to know I couldn't do it. I didn't want anything. My whole life is changing, so much so that when I stop to wonder what things will be like after losing the whole 252 lbs I can't. I feel like the outcomes are endless and that I could never imagine anything that will come close to the experience. No, losing weight itself isn't going to fix everything that is wrong with me and my life. Only I can do that. ...But back then when people were trying to talk some sense into me they were onto something. It is within our power to fix the things in our lives that give us grief, but how can we face them as shadows of ourselves? How can we face anything not knowing who we really are or what we are capable of? That is how decisions come to be regretted, and why I was never able to finish anything. I never knew why, but I'm starting to get an inkling.

The gym was good today. Do you ever bargain with the cardio machines? I do. You know what I mean..."Just 5 more minutes and then I will stop." Then you finish that up, but don't stop, "Okay, just to 25 minutes, that's good enough." Then you end up doing 30 anyway. I only really have these conversations with myself when I forget my ipod...which I did today. I still managed an entire hour on the elliptical, plus an hour of weights. I have my physical tomorrow afternoon so right after that I am going to hit the gym to get it out of the way early.

Oh, and I did weigh myself this morning! MY scale said 327.4. Here is the thing: Up until yesterday my scale every Sunday morning (and I checked because I wanted to know) would be almost exactly 2lbs higher than the WW scale. On Sunday morning my scale at home said 329.6...which is what the WW scale said also. It was a different scale (there are 3), one I've never weighed on before. I have weighed in on the same scale since the first weigh in! Yeah I know, crazy...but then I've seen ladies take curlers out of their hair while in the line to be weighed. So now, my attempt to not weigh myself again until at least this coming Sunday, hopefully the one after that at the meeting.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1/2 serving pb: 2
1 serving sun chips: 3
1 serving salsa: 0
1 serving beef and veg stew: 5
1 banana: 2
1 low fat wrap: 1
1 serving dirty rice: 6
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving salsa: 0
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
1 serving mixed greens: 0
1 serving red pepper: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving carrots: 0
1 serving tomato: 0
1/4 cup chic peas: 0
1/2 serving ff ranch: 1
1 italian ice: 3
1 serving light chips: 3
1/4 cup salsa: 0
3oz cheese: 3
38/38 + 6/35

Day 293

Edited to add this photo. Please ignore my messy house! This was taken on Saturday afternoon (or Friday, my days are a little mixed up right now, I'm tired.). The pants in the photo are a size 32. I used to need a 34, but I don't have any of those left so these are apparently going to be my official weigh in pants! Inside these pants is me, wearing a size 22! Sorry the photo quality isnt that great, I cant find my camera so this was taken with my phone.

So I was feeling really discouraged this morning. I weighed in at my meeting and the scale there said I gained 1.4lbs. I have to say that I was shocked this time. I worked my butt off this week. Seriously. My food was lacking, I'll admit, but I didn't go over and I had a surplus of extra points and activity points that I didn't use.

I was really, really discouraged this morning...then I thought about it. My weight has been fluctuating downward slowly over the last few months and that has been putting a cramp in my step, and making me really second guess myself...which is honestly making me crazy. I've never lost this much weight before ever, and so I'm not always sure what to expect next. I'm not sure if this is normal. I will say that despite the numbers not being what I wanted in the last month or so I have dropped from a size 26 to a size 22. Besides that, I kinda have a feeling that the scale was wrong. I don't have a meeting next Sunday because of the holiday but I think after that I'm going to show a nice loss. I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning to get a base weight on my scale and then try very hard not to do it again until the next meeting. I will have faith in the process.

Not all in my life is peachy, its getting complicated again. My motivation is back, and pretty intensely too! I don't want to be all negative here, but sometimes I feel like the bad has to be talked about too in order to cope. So...the bed bugs are not gone as we thought and I know it's just me but they freak me out so badly that I am having trouble sleeping...pretty much at all. That is killing me. I'm so tired sometimes that I'm useless. I need to step up the workouts a little but I'm feeling exhausted at the moment. Never doubt the emotional toll of something like this ever.

These aren't excuses! I don't feel like I need them. I am 88 lbs down, and a size 22, down from a 34. This has been a hard year for me, and for my family but you know... I am persevering.

Today:
1 regular roll: 3
1 serving lunch meat: 2
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving lettuce: 0
1 serving tomato: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving peppers: 0
1 serving sunchips: 3
1/2 serving dirty rice cass.: 6
1 serving light mayo: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 light wrap: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
2 servings salsa: 0
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving ww pasta: 3
1 serving pasta sauce w/veggies: 4
1 yogurt: 2
2 servings beef and vegetable stew: 11
38/38 + 4/31

My points turn over tomorrow. Next week I pull my turnover day back to Sunday so that everything is the same. Weigh in and points reset day.

Day 263

This post will include the first of my restarted food logs. But since I am posting so very early it wont be right now (4pm). I just want to talk about this while it is fresh in my mind.

I took a giant step in the right direction today I think. I know that I am stuck in a rut, I recognize that. I just haven't known what to do about it, and I've been a little afraid. I called my insurance company and I asked about my benefits and I called a therapist. Yikes. It kind of hurts to say that. I feel a little defeated though and mentally I cant seem to get over this hurdle. I know that in some way it is holding me back. I'm not going to dwell too much on this. I know that finding one can take time, and honestly even with my insurance my out of pocket will be astronomical at first. I'm going to take the process slowly and hopefully it will become an asset in the journey here. I'm not falling off of the intended path here so much as slowing my march down to a casual stroll, and I know that battles aren't won that way.

I want this, and I know I haven't been here but I do. I've gotten to a certain point and now I feel stuck. I'm not though, I just need a really good push. Please don't give up on me yet, I'm going to lose the rest of this weight, I am going to succeed. I've just got to get back to square, and whatever that means, I'm going to do it. I know some people just focus on the physical but I cant. I'm not saying that there is some terrifying underlying reason for why I swelled up over 400 pounds but I am saying that even if there are no reasons for the gain or for being okay with it for so long there is bound to be some scarring.

I'm working through it.


As Promised:

Today:
1 cup soup: 5
1 ww ice cream (it was really hot in here): 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving peanut butter: 2
2 servings jam: 3
1 serving triscuits: 2
1 huge serving lettuce: 0
1 cup chopped fresh veg: 0
2 oz chicken breast: 2
2 servings dressing: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
2 breaded wings: 7
1 serving cheesy chicken spaghetti: 7
Total: 38/38

Day 250

Two hundred and fifty days. That is a long time for me. It is the longest I've ever kept at loosing weight before in my life. As a reward I'm given the most weight I've ever lost before, and a whole boatload of non scale victories such as: walking without pain. I wont say I've spent 250 days on plan. That would not be true, and at this point while I do not think its impossible to do, I do think its an awfully high bar to set for someone who really wants to get through the day/week/month/year. If it broke my stride to have an off day every once in a while I would not be here typing this right now. I would have given up a long time ago. I want everyone to remember that. Remember that goals are things to aspire to, and not be defeated by. Tony posted that May was a bad month for dieters, and while I don't know as much he may well be right. We do tend to lose focus and drive when we realize that things are not progressing as quickly or as well as we want them to. I will give you the one thing I know (I think, don't be mad at me for making this statement!) works for every dieter I know: Keep going. Do not stop for missteps or mistakes or for days off. Keep going even when you really really don't want to. Never stop telling yourself that you are on a diet (or whatever you want to call it) because the moment you do you are setting yourself up for quitting.

I know I keep pushing the above point, but it really is what is making the difference to me right now. It is what separates this journey from all of the other little walks I've taken toward the same outcome.

I realized another NSV today! My husband bought me a pair of jeans (that I wanted so badly) two years ago from a certain store for Christmas. They are a size 26, cut very small. I have been wearing some 26's for a while and unable to get these pants up over my thighs. Tonight while getting dressed to go out I tried them on again and not only do they fit, I can take them off without unbuttoning them!

Tomorrow is weigh in and I am finally dragging a friend to the meeting! Wish me luck!

Day 249

This is me at the gym today.

That's right ladies and gentlemen! I went to the gym today, while the monthly slasher was here! I did my cardio and my full circuit. I wear sweat pants and a long sleeved t-shirt to the gym. People look at me like I'm nuts sometimes, especially right now because it was so hot in Baltimore today. I don't wear the long sleeves to cover up so much. I have worn tank tops to the gym before, I'm just more comfortable in these clothes. Why am I talking about this you ask? Because today I realized that I needed new gym pants (which conveniently I didn't think to get into the picture). I stole these from my younger brother a few years ago because they were so comfortable, but they were also so tight. There were days I would have trouble getting them on. These days if I put anything at all in my pockets they are liable to fall off of me. I know, I shouldn't be complaining, but I love these stupid pants. Though honestly nothing really fits me correctly anymore. You know that bra I bought just a few months ago? Too big. All of my underwear? Too big.

This is another NSV and its totally personal, but it is so relevant and it made me stop in shock today while I was washing my body in the shower. I can now reach every single part of my body. The whole thing. I can reach every inch with my soapy rag for the first time in many, many years. Isn't that worth skipping the drive thru? Lets keep them going? I can now get out of bed on the first try, with little to no pain at all. I fit in most (if not all) seat belts in cars now, I no longer have to explain to friends that I need the front seat because I am too fat to sit in the back. The seat belt thing? That was a big one on my list. I fit in movie theatre seats again!

So far so good. I have been sticking to my guns, and since Wednesday my food has been killer. All of my veggies are in and my points are back under control. I'm feeling pretty confident again.

I know a bunch of new people are reading now, and so welcome! If I do not have your blog listed on the side and you want it there, comment here with your blog and I will add you! We can all use the support.

Oh, and by the way: HP fixed my laptop for free, I am posting this with my lovely machine right now!

Day 246, 247, 248

So after sending my laptop to HP I received a link to my order status, that not only said that my malfunction was out of warranty, but that the repair was going to cost me $398. Ouch. We cant afford that. Last night however I received a link from them again to the same page which provided a link to the tracking number for my "repaired" product, and the repair cost? Zero dollars. Wonder what is coming back to me in that Fed-Ex box? Seems a little too good to be true right? And all of this because my cat decided to urinate on my laptop. Oh yes, the litter pans were clean, and there is nothing wrong with him. He just decided that at that precise moment, it was imperative to wreck momma's day.

So I was given a reprieve Monday when the monthly slasher should have started, and I went to the gym. Tuesday it started, and that was pretty much that. Its pretty bad today also, but I think (please keep your fingers crossed) that it is lightening up. I washed my gym clothes today and hopefully with all sorts of back up I will be able to go tomorrow. I don't know that I will be brave enough to sit on any of the circuit machines, but I should be able to do cardio. I know I promised myself that I wouldn't stress over the gym when the slasher was visiting, but I don't want to slow down again, or lose any of my progress on getting back into the habit.

My food was not so great on Monday and Tuesday which probably had a lot to do with my birthday, but I got it straightened out by Wednesday and despite all of that I have gotten in all of my veggies every day this week. Progress? I think so. I also had a completely meatless day yesterday, and with the exception of a light turkey hot dog with no bread today will be the same. Not really on purpose per say, just the way meal planning fell, and really I don't think that having a meatless day or two on occasion can really be harmful. I get plenty of other protein.

The other thing I am working on right now is my sleeping pattern! Argh. Its all over the place. I either sleep too much or too little. I really need to get into bed by midnight on Saturday nights, that way I'm not dead to the world on Sunday mornings. I also find that when I get 8-9 hours a night I lose more weight...

Tonight is karaoke night so I will be getting home late, which is why I included Day 248 in this post. Tomorrow night will be Day 249 and it should get its own post!

Sometimes I feel like I don't know what to say or that I've already said too much. I don't want my lack of finesse with words to overshadow the importance of whats going on here. I am losing weight. Not always in a straight downward avalanche, but it is coming off. I'm grateful for that. Of all the things to teach me some patience, I never thought it would be this. The key to getting to goal though, I realized as this journey started. Never give up, never start over. Just keep going, no matter how agonizing it is to accept the mistakes as your own.

Day 244

This is my post for Sunday! I lost 3.6 lbs! Bringing my total loss so far to 86.8 lbs and my current weight to 331.

Am I always doom and gloom? I woke up on time on Sunday morning despite having a late night and trudged dutifully to my WW meeting. On the way there I went over all of the positive changes that I was trying to make this week. I believe the reinvigoration challenge was a success. I feel better. There are still some things I really need to straighten out. My food has been a challenge in the last week, but I kept that in mind while grocery shopping after the meeting. My exercise is definitely better. Today is my birthday (I'm 27) and my gym clothes are now in the dryer. I am in fact going to work out today.

I'm proud of myself for knowing what my mental outcome would be before I stepped on the scale.

Spring Challenge update tonight!

Day 243

Alrighty, so I am working some things out. All of my recipes and meal plans and logs were on my laptop which is now in a FedEx box on its way to California. So I finally set up my desktop computer. I'd forgotten how nice it actually is. Since I got my laptop I haven't used it at all really. I need to set my meal plans up and back them up online so that if something like this happens again I wont be in the dark. I realized today that part of my issue with food this week has been that I don't have my laptop. I know that sounds strange, but normally I am so organized about my food. I realized today that I have only cooked once this week. Once. Normally I cook every single night. No wonder my food has been off. I hate that it is such simple things can wreck me. So now I am adapting. I set the bigger computer up, and while it isn't as portable (at all) I should burn some calories going up and down the stairs to use it.

I didn't go to the gym today, but I don't usually go on Saturdays. I'm okay with my week so far. I feel like I made a lot of really positive steps in the right direction. I'm still afraid to go to that meeting tomorrow. I feel like I am going to maintain. My food was bad this week, and tonight was my birthday celebration. I have to tell you though: I was really good. Did I have a few drinks? Yes, but only 2 1/3, and I checked the weight watchers points (4 points for a "sex on the beach") on them before I went. I had a single piece of cake. There were a few bites here and there, but nothing that should put me over the edge. I also stopped eating and drinking (except diet soda, its karaoke after all) after 11pm which is one of my oldest rules for Sunday.

I am so freaking proud of myself for all of the above. I do not want to go weigh in tomorrow morning, but I will. I will go knowing that coming back strong. I dont like feeling like it will be another maintain this week, but I have to be honest about that. I have to get it out there to cushion the blow if it does happen. Either way, I'll be okay. Maybe I'll even set a loss goal for next week.

*Also, now that I have a working computer again I will go back and read all of the blogs that I've missed! Sorry guys!

Day 242

I got back to the gym again today and I'm really proud of myself because I got my circuit back up to where it was before I stopped going to the gym. I did a full circuit today plus one set on each machine including the ones that I wasn't doing more on before. My cardio is still at 40 minutes, but the machine tells me that I burned 740 calories today, so I'm not sad.

I'm hoping to get back to the gym tomorrow before they close, and before karaoke! We are doing an extra session in celebration of my birthday!

My food still isn't on par with the past. As long as the gym is under control I really need to work on that. This is really dragging me down and keeping me stuck in the 330's.

Today at the gym I found myself thinking about jogging again. I found myself wondering how safe it would be for someone my size, and then I started worrying about my ankles. You see, we used to walk the track, and there would be times when my legs would feel so tense. Not in pain or anything, but I really felt like I wanted to run. I felt that way at the gym today too. I remember being a kid and running and back then it felt really good. It was like opening my body up and really working out the kinks. I really want that feeling back. I have bad ankles as of right now though. I don't know that they will be bad once I lose the weight, so who knows? I shouldn't already be worrying. Though at least I'm worried about being able to run once I lose the weight and not how I could feel if I didn't. Because I know I will. I just need to get out of this rut once and for all!

All sides have to work together on this! I need to put myself back together already! Wish me strength, and hope with me that this is the last week I spend bouncing around in the 330's.

Day 241

Where do I get off forgetting how hectic Thursdays are around here?

There was no gym today, and I did forget for a moment that I promised myself no gym on Thursdays. It was probably because I thought going during the day would make it easier to do on a Thursday. Then when I got up, no one was home, and there was no car.

It's okay though. I'm not really feeling so off anymore. My weekend is going to be hectic, but I've a little bit a steel in me right now. I will not go off plan, and I will hit the gym Friday and possibly Saturday morning.

Currently I am up baking a surprise birthday cake for my little brother. Since money is short and I had most of the supplies I figured it would make his day at least.

What I learned today? It isn't so much what I learned as what I remembered. I shouldn't hurt myself over things I can not change. I should instead focus on the things I can. Like getting this weight off of my bones. I will succeed because of the things I do, not the things I haven't.

Day 239

After getting up today I threw my gym clothes in the washer, and I went to take a shower. After getting out of the shower I went and threw my clothes in the dryer and then I napped while they dried. Why am I telling you all this?

Because that is what I was doing while fighting myself over going to the gym. It was a pretty epic and pathetic battle consisting of me, wobbling back and forth in my commitment shoes. I went to the gym. I did my full circuit, and 40 minutes on the elliptical. I am trying not to feel guilty about not doing a whole hour. I fell off of the exercise wagon and it is going to take me a little time to get back to where I was.

Tomorrow I am going to experiment by going to the gym early. Like as soon as I get up. I'm wondering if that wont help me because when it starts to get late, all I want to do is relax and detox my day. I wont be able to go early every day because of transportation, but it will be nice to alleviate some of my stress there too. Once my husband fixes my car I will no longer be relying on my moms car for transportation there! If you can feel me glaring at my husband...it's because I am.

Today I learned that I still want it, bad. But I learned that I get ahead of myself. I try too hard to go too fast and I end up very disappointed. Today I took my time and got my workout done, and that simple act has made me feel so much lighter. In the past couple of weeks I have let this parade get really out of control, but I feel like I'm getting my grip back. I saw someone new at the gym today making use of one of the personal trainers. She was very heavy, and seemed about my age. She looked so tired and so sad, and I just wanted to hug her and tell her that she wasn't alone, and that I felt the same exact way. Then I would have told her that it gets better every single day I stick to my guns and do what I need to. I would have told her she could do this, even though right now all she probably wanted was a diet coke and a comfy couch. The couch will feel even better later, after you kick your own butt. I didn't run up and interrupt her session, because I probably would have freaked her out (it would have freaked me out.). I'm cheering her on though, silently. It was like getting a really clear look in the mirror. Sometimes when I have to come here and report what I feel like are failures, its really hard. I feel like an impostor, or a pretender to the crown, but the truth is that there is no crown, and I'm human. This is not a race. A race implies that we know where were are going and that the road is mapped out before us. That is not the case here. This is a journey in the fullest (Tolkien style if you will) sense of the word. It is full of ups and downs and self discoveries that we might have previously thought unimaginable. It takes time to flesh out all of the intricacies that brought us to the beginning of something like this. There are no kings, or queens, only travelers, and the most notorious enemy we have to face is ourselves.

I did not get in all of my veggies today, but on the whole I had a good day. I do not feel as stressed, and I have a busy week ahead of me. My brother turns 23 on Friday and I turn 27 on Monday. Yesterday, despite my atempt to keep my head above water positivity wise, I sank. Today I feel like I'm swimming again.

Stay with me, I'm gaining back ground here.

*Also you might have noticed that I stopped posting my daily food. I wasn't sure that that was an important part here but if anyone else thinks so I will gladly put it back!

Day 233, 234

Okay guys. I am honestly struggling now. I am not "off the wagon" or anything but I am having a heck of a time "feeling it". I am discouraged because of my own actions and I cant seem to get my head out of the mud (or my butt honestly whichever you think seems more right).

I have had a strange week. I have been busy almost every day this week and unable to go to the gym, but its like I was telling my mom: "I'm feeling incredibly unmotivated and its like life just keeps throwing excuses at me!"

I don't really have any defense other than "something is quite obviously wrong" but even that sounds like a cop out. Something has been wrong for a long time and I've managed until recently! My mom used to tell me when I was younger and was neglecting something that I claimed to be important to me that it "Must not be important enough." That isn't true this time though. It is important. Its getting to me in a big way. I've come so far and I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a giant abyss about to jump of the edge.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm not ready to give up, and I don't want to give up. I need to get my priorities straight and get back to it. If only it we as easy as just telling myself to do it! Remember when I said I had a habit of sabotaging myself? I meant it, and I feel like what I need is constantly at odds with what I feel like I want at any given moment. Where is the self control and self discipline that I worked so hard at over these last 9 months? It certainly didn't all go to dust at that first stumble.

I will go to the gym tomorrow and I will lose more weight. I don't know what Sunday is going to be like at my weigh in and honestly for the first time in a while, I'm afraid to know. I'm not over my points and haven't been yet, but I wasn't last week either.

I feel at an end here in one way or another. I have to chose to move on and get moving or I am in essence choosing to fail. I will never choose to fail again, so that leaves one outcome. Please bear with me.

This Sunday I am going to sit through the new member portion of the meeting again. Back to basics has worked for me before, so its back to basics I go. I'm being honest here and putting myself out there. I'm telling you guys that the road has gotten hard for me because it helps me leave it behind. It also makes it easier to come back here. I have been dreading this, how to say that I am struggling again, but then maybe I'm just still struggling. Perhaps the whole thing is a struggle? I'm not sure, but I want to keep going the way I was, and leave this weight behind. The fact that I am struggling has been keeping me awake at night, tearing myself apart to find the broken pieces, and that is not healthy. It isn't what I want.

I used to feel guilty for doing so well when other people were struggling. Now I hope someone like me reads this and gets as far along as they can without looking back.

Tonight at karaoke I was getting a refill on my diet soda and this guy randomly comes up behind me and tells me to go with water and lemon. I'm like "okay, but I feel bad sitting here all night taking up room at the bar and drinking nothing." I don't drink very much soda at all. My soda days are Thursdays and generally only at night at karaoke. The rest of the time its crystal light and water. Then he says: "Diet soda is even worse then regular, you should drink water with lemon it will burn the calories right off of you." ...Now he was drunk, and I'm really good at just letting things go, and being rational. This guy has never met me before and doesn't know who I am or what I've done. I was okay then, but sitting here at home thinking about it makes me cry. It makes me feel like the same girl who was sitting in wal-mart wondering if this was the end of her world. It makes me feel like I haven't done anything yet. It makes me feel raw, and it makes me want to come here and get this off of my chest. I will never weigh over 400 lbs again, I do not care how long it takes me to get the rest of this weight off. I will never be that desperate, helpless and sad girl ever again. That dude can seriously stuff his "water with lemon."

Today:
1 banana: 2
1 cup coffee w/cream: 3
2 bites mac and cheese: 1
1 cup mixed veg: 1
1 serving enchilada: 9
1 banana: 2
2 servings ww mac: 7
1 serving spaghetti sauce: 1
1 100 cal pack: 1
AFTER KARAOKE (6 hours later):
2 servings pasta: 7
another serving sauce: 1
1 slice cheese: 1
36/40

I don't usually drink coffee but I was babysitting at an early hour (for me) this morning, and I needed it!

Day 230, 231

So after this post, posts will go back to being once a day again for the most part.

On Sunday at weigh in I gained 0.2lbs. I think the party on Saturday and the sodium involved had a bunch to do with it, and I could complain and shake my fist but honestly? It wasn't a great week. I had a really hard time motivating myself to go to the gym and work out, and then my sleep went haywire. I was finally able to sleep last night. I do not know what kept me awake for so long. It could be stress (like everything else is), but it hasn't ever happened like that before. I had this pain in my neck and one shoulder and I couldn't get comfortable and then my brain just. would. not. shut. up. I'm hoping that this was an isolated event and that it wont happen again. Not sleeping was horrible, I felt like a zombie, numb but mobile somehow. I took today off too (just from the gym) to get myself back together after being a head case for 3 days.

I think I am still having some trouble with getting back onto the groove of everything here. I keep losing my focus in day to day life. I think I need to go back to my rules, or perhaps re-evaluate them. Our meeting this week was about what was keeping us from success and I have been thinking a lot about that. My environment is not it. I think my environment is pretty conducive to my diet, especially now that I've moved. Some of it is my friends, but not all of them. I have trouble saying no, and some of them have trouble accepting or dealing with what I am trying to do. My time management and planning have something to do with it too. I end up late or I end up running out of time (like on Thursdays) and I never plan for a successful outcome. These are some of the things the WW booklet mentions, but honestly? Its me. I am the one who has trouble saying no, and budgeting my time. I never thought I was the kind of girl who gives in to social pressure (Never tried smoking, never done any drugs not even experimenting, and I don't really drink.), I don't even take a lot of tylenol. Food though? It has this hold on my feelings and emotions. It's connected to my sense of comfort and belonging and even love. That is pretty powerful. I'm in wonder of those people (and there are some!) who can make this long journey without addressing their psyche.

So for those of you who are new here or just new to this blog: Am I failing because I maintained/gained this week? No way! I am still over 83lbs down! Like I said before, a stumble or failure doesn't have to be the end. It is an inevitable part of a very long journey, and this wasn't even a stumble. Some of you are reading me now for motivation, so I wanted to say if you take anything from my blog I want it to be the ability to just keep going! It takes 6-8 weeks to make something a habit and so much less time to screw that back up. Most of us give up before we can even get into the groove which may not be that much easier, but it so worth it. We get paid for our results. We get to live and breathe a little longer and little more comfortably.

I have discovered (just now it hit me) that my biggest problem is that I have put a time limit on how long I want it to take me to lose weight. I gave myself 2 years. I'll be 28/29 and I want to have children so I gave myself this mental finish line. My body does what it has to and I lose weight at the speed of my commitment which isn't going to be the same every day. I'm human you know? I want to get it off in two years, but honestly? I still have a long road to travel and the idea that I'm setting myself back time wise every time I don't lose weight is making me crazy. So: No more time crunch. I still want the weight off fast, but more than that I just want it off. Wow, what a random epiphany.

I'm going to come back strong this week. I feel like a woman on a mission here. I will lose more weight!

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I did not go to the gym enough this week, but I did go twice.
2. I did pretty well again this week, but I took Sunday off food and exercise wise as I was pretty much dead to the world and needed the break from thinking...about anything.
3. I went to my meeting! I've hit every one since the start of the challenge breaking a streak of missing them pretty often!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 9 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I like that suddenly I have motivation and dreams again! Before my only dream (the only one I had left after gaining so much weight killed the rest) was to have children...then the weight killed that dream too. So I struck out at it in what I felt like was the last time I might even ever try. I had pretty much had it with everything at that moment. I started gaining ground and losing weight and suddenly I started feeling like there were more possibilities in my life. I feel like I have more open outcomes than I ever have before. It feels freeing, and that's what I'm after: Being free.

Today:
1 serving pasta: 3
1 serving veg sauce: 2
second serving: 6
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1 tbsp olive oil: 3
1 serving black bean sauce: 2
1 fruit bar: 2
1 serving fruit snack: 3
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 serving chicken pot pie: 7
1 yogurt: 2
1 (later) serving chicken pot pie: 7
40/40