The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Friday, April 30, 2010

Day 233, 234

Okay guys. I am honestly struggling now. I am not "off the wagon" or anything but I am having a heck of a time "feeling it". I am discouraged because of my own actions and I cant seem to get my head out of the mud (or my butt honestly whichever you think seems more right).

I have had a strange week. I have been busy almost every day this week and unable to go to the gym, but its like I was telling my mom: "I'm feeling incredibly unmotivated and its like life just keeps throwing excuses at me!"

I don't really have any defense other than "something is quite obviously wrong" but even that sounds like a cop out. Something has been wrong for a long time and I've managed until recently! My mom used to tell me when I was younger and was neglecting something that I claimed to be important to me that it "Must not be important enough." That isn't true this time though. It is important. Its getting to me in a big way. I've come so far and I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a giant abyss about to jump of the edge.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm not ready to give up, and I don't want to give up. I need to get my priorities straight and get back to it. If only it we as easy as just telling myself to do it! Remember when I said I had a habit of sabotaging myself? I meant it, and I feel like what I need is constantly at odds with what I feel like I want at any given moment. Where is the self control and self discipline that I worked so hard at over these last 9 months? It certainly didn't all go to dust at that first stumble.

I will go to the gym tomorrow and I will lose more weight. I don't know what Sunday is going to be like at my weigh in and honestly for the first time in a while, I'm afraid to know. I'm not over my points and haven't been yet, but I wasn't last week either.

I feel at an end here in one way or another. I have to chose to move on and get moving or I am in essence choosing to fail. I will never choose to fail again, so that leaves one outcome. Please bear with me.

This Sunday I am going to sit through the new member portion of the meeting again. Back to basics has worked for me before, so its back to basics I go. I'm being honest here and putting myself out there. I'm telling you guys that the road has gotten hard for me because it helps me leave it behind. It also makes it easier to come back here. I have been dreading this, how to say that I am struggling again, but then maybe I'm just still struggling. Perhaps the whole thing is a struggle? I'm not sure, but I want to keep going the way I was, and leave this weight behind. The fact that I am struggling has been keeping me awake at night, tearing myself apart to find the broken pieces, and that is not healthy. It isn't what I want.

I used to feel guilty for doing so well when other people were struggling. Now I hope someone like me reads this and gets as far along as they can without looking back.

Tonight at karaoke I was getting a refill on my diet soda and this guy randomly comes up behind me and tells me to go with water and lemon. I'm like "okay, but I feel bad sitting here all night taking up room at the bar and drinking nothing." I don't drink very much soda at all. My soda days are Thursdays and generally only at night at karaoke. The rest of the time its crystal light and water. Then he says: "Diet soda is even worse then regular, you should drink water with lemon it will burn the calories right off of you." ...Now he was drunk, and I'm really good at just letting things go, and being rational. This guy has never met me before and doesn't know who I am or what I've done. I was okay then, but sitting here at home thinking about it makes me cry. It makes me feel like the same girl who was sitting in wal-mart wondering if this was the end of her world. It makes me feel like I haven't done anything yet. It makes me feel raw, and it makes me want to come here and get this off of my chest. I will never weigh over 400 lbs again, I do not care how long it takes me to get the rest of this weight off. I will never be that desperate, helpless and sad girl ever again. That dude can seriously stuff his "water with lemon."

1 banana: 2
1 cup coffee w/cream: 3
2 bites mac and cheese: 1
1 cup mixed veg: 1
1 serving enchilada: 9
1 banana: 2
2 servings ww mac: 7
1 serving spaghetti sauce: 1
1 100 cal pack: 1
AFTER KARAOKE (6 hours later):
2 servings pasta: 7
another serving sauce: 1
1 slice cheese: 1

I don't usually drink coffee but I was babysitting at an early hour (for me) this morning, and I needed it!


Anonymous said...

You have recognized there is a problem and that is the first step! Its onward and upward from here!

Now with that assvice said--You may just need a vacation and that is OK. Who knows next week you may SURPASS your very own expectations for this week!

Hugs and TONS of support for you!!!

River said...

This "trapped" feeling comes and goes for me too. But it does go away. It is a struggle to not panick all the way through and mess up your mind.

I'm very impressed that you are still within your limits in points. That's something I can't do when I feel like I lost all the motivation or point of it all.

I don't have any advise but I wish you all the luck and like Betty Rubble said we are all here to support you and that's something you can count on.

M of the Woes and Throes said...

I am the last person to give advice on losing weight...considering all I have done for years is gain.
However...I sometimes wonder if when we get in a rut, if we (temporarily) change instead of counting points, do the core plan for a month, or do atkins, or something else. Maybe a different exercise routine? It might jumpstart a few extra pounds, and that's always encouragement.

G said...

I was stuck for a couple months though march. I had to kick my own ass at the gym every day for a month. It took real results to get me motivated again. The piddly 0-1 losses per weeks just doesn't seem to movitvate like it should. You know its worth it, gotta keep it goin.

JoAnn said...

It looks like you're eating a lot of carbs. Try eating more protein (some at each meal/snack) and less carbs especially refined carbs. Have you ever looked at South Beach? You could combine SB with WW.

Rettakat said...

I'm sorry you are struggling... and I'm sorry I haven't been very supportive lately.

But I do understand. Been hard for me too, lately. So, speaking from current experience:

You don't have to feel it... all ya gotta do is DO it.

Honestly, trust me when I say this is just temporary. The tide is out right now... the beach is gungy and strewn with rubble... but soon the tides will shift, and come in again, with a gorgeous high tide. It will wash it all clean and things will start looking up again.

Just hang in there, do what you know to do whether you feel like it or not. You will be just fine.

And that drunk lemon/water pusher was rude and inappropriate, and if I was there I probably would've stuffed a lemon up his nose on your behalf!


Rebekah C said...

I'm still angry on your behalf. What a dick.

Jessie said...

This journey is a struggle everyday. Sometimes I fight with myself minute to minute. I think you did the right thing talking about what you are going through here. You are not alone and we are all supporting you.

It might not always feel like it but you have come so far. You constantly motivate and inspire me. Maybe it would help to read some of your old posts. Hang in and know that we are here for you.

LazyLady said...

In your place, I might have said some less-than-polite things to the insufferable jerk who told you what to drink. What business is it of his?

I'm addicted to diet soda; could probably do without it if I had to, have started to drink more water lately; but I wouldn't dream of telling someone who is drinking water that they should drink diet soda.

It looks like your journey has been amazing! Don't be so hard on yourself.