Day 205

I did an hour on the elliptical today, plus my circuit, and then walked the track.

Yeah, so I needed to get the good out of the way before I launched into the rest of this post. Go get your low fat popcorn, its going to be a long one.

I realized something today. I have not been giving it my all these last two weeks or so. I have been over eating (even if I am not going over my points), over indulging in things I shouldn't be, and making excuses for why I'm cutting my activity down. They are excuses even if they are only to myself. I'm not drinking enough water, I am being incredibly lax, I'm logging my food with much inconsistency and I feel like I am backsliding. I mean, really, I am backsliding...no feelings involved. Except there are. I feel miserable and gross. I feel like I'm suddenly keeping secrets from myself...self sabotage! Self sabotage as I have talked about before is an old enemy of mine. I do not have any clue why, when I am feeling so great about everything going on, I would want to fall face down in the mud again. I caught myself at lunch today (when I had my realization, or mini epiphany if you will) eating something that I knew wasn't worth the points or the heartache frankly. I was staring down at this plate of food and my first thought was "Who cares?" I do! I care! It was enough to make me stop eating. It was like that plate was suddenly my mirror and I did not want to be what was on that plate. In like 5 minutes or less I had this little mental skirmish in my head that has turned into an all day all out war. We have covered these things! Do my mistakes make me worthless? No. Do mistakes make this journey null and void? Not a chance. Do I want to eat that? Yes-What? No!

Yesterday I had the sneaking suspicion that something was off with me. I felt a little different. Not quite as good as usual. I remembered Retta telling me that there would be days I felt it, and days I did not. BOY was she right. I do not feel it right now. I feel the pull to rely on food for comfort and solace. I think I am a really strong person sometimes. I think I am rational and smart and thoughtful...but sometimes my actions don't quite reflect that. I used to tell people that I was not an emotional eater, that I ate when I was bored. I am here to tell you that from where I am sitting they are the same thing. I ate when I was bored because that was the time when I had to deal with those emotions and as much as I hate the fact, the fact was food was/is numbing. I didn't have to deal with being fat for example, as long as I could just be fat. Sitting there at lunch today though I could not figure out what my issue was though. What am I currently dealing with that is overwhelming me and making me too freaking lazy to save my own life (Because despite how you feel about your journey, that is the bottom line for me. I want to live. Not just exist.)? It's kinda scary to not know. I mean I could point out any number of things, but I cant pinpoint something. I thought about that all day until I realized that it just doesn't matter. I know what I am supposed to be doing. I have support, and a plan, and motivation. I have to stop letting the bad get in and confuse my foot steps.

So my decision is this: There is no way in the world that I am quitting. So I am going to do what has worked for me before, I am going back to basics. I am going to weigh everything again. I am going to track on paper, and put reminders on the refrigerator. I'm not going to allow myself cheats/indulgences/days off because I can't handle the whip lash from them right now. I am going to stop making excuses for why I cant go to the gym, or out to walk. I mean come on Ruby, you just did an hour on the same elliptical that you had convinced yourself you could only do 30 minutes on. I feel like the war was won with the elliptical. I was standing there in the gym staring down the horrible machine thinking about how much I didn't want to get on it, and then suddenly I just did. When 15 minutes had passed, I made myself do 15 more. Then after my circuit I was telling myself that 15 more minutes would be fine, and then 15 passed and on we went. I'm not saying that its easy. No way! I kick my own butt on that machine, but its worth it, and I felt so good afterward. Not so heavy, low or damaged. Maybe I'm going to need to keep exercising to stave off the bad? I find that the further I get into the journey the harder it gets. The routine gets easy but rediscovering who you are, good and bad, just keeps the same tempo. I'm going to take my steps back one by one until I am on track again.

What do you do when you feel like you are losing your grasp on something you have poured so much of your heart and soul into? My guess is that you pour in more. So I will.

Honestly is better than a verbal butt kicking. It makes me face the issue.

Alright, so a little bit more of the good? Despite my horrible eating today I did in fact get in all of my veggies (each serving of my stew is 3 servings of veggies).

Today:
1/2 cup rice: 2
1 cup orange chicken: 10
1 cup broccoli: 0
1/2 cup peaches: 1
2 inch piece of roast sand: 5
3/4 cup ice cream: 4
misc bites: 6
1 serving stew:
5 hours later 2nd serving stew (it has been a busy day): 4
1 serving cheese: 2
1 orange: 1
39/41