Day 363

I had so many ideas for posts here today! I think I need to start writing them down for when all I have to talk about is my food and exercise.

I wanted to talk about Garrett from StagesofChange, but so many of you already have, and I don't want to rewound anyone. I'll keep it short. I missed the news of his death because of my absence. It made me cry. For him, and honestly, for myself. He was inspirational because of the daunting task ahead of him that he chose to acknowledge. Despite the ups, and downs that we all have he was trying to take control of his own war. I do not know how he died, and I wont make any guesses, but it does bring back that fear I wrote about a little under a year ago. It has been on my mind for a day or so now and I want to say that regardless of success in numbers I think this journey changes us. It makes us aware of our weaknesses and it makes us stronger for them. The end result isn't the only reward. I think we spend a lot of time thinking about what happens "when we lose this weight" but the path we take to get there is just as important. Even in death he inspired me. I hope that isn't too dramatic.

I went to the gym today! I wasn't able to do the whole hour on the elliptical I usually do, but I did 30 minutes, and I completed my weight circuit. My arms are going to be sore tomorrow. I had an interesting run in tonight at the gym with a woman I have never met before. I was signing into a weight machine and this very nice lady tapped me on the shoulder. She hadn't yet wiped the machine down and wanted to before I got onto it. She then asked me how I was doing and told me that she doesn't normally come to the gym, but that her husband had told her about me. I told her I hadn't been in a while. I didn't want to be like who is your husband because I'm shy and I didn't want to offend her. She realized in a moment anyway. She asked me how much I had lost (which I thought was kind of blunt but I want to be open about it so I told her) and then proceeded to tell me that she was frustrated that it was taking so long to come off (to be fair: she thought she was commiserating) and that she had lost 63lbs since her surgery in May, and where did I have mine done? I told her that I didn't have surgery, that I went to WW for the first time back in September of 2009. It got kind of uncomfortable after that, not in a bad way, but I think she might have thought that I didn't approve or something. It's a very personal choice and I know that it isn't any of my business. I shared with her the fact that my aunt is about to have it done (she is nearing 60 and can hardly walk) and that I think 63lbs is great. I also told her not to stress over it because slower can actually really be better.

This was an interesting run in for me because it was not the first time that someone meeting me assumed (without asking) that I had WLS to lose weight. I don't think that there is anything inherently wrong with WLS but I know that I can do this without it. I know that I need to do this without it. I want to struggle to get there so that I remember that when I am putting food in my mouth. I want to learn the skills to keep the weight off once I'm at a healthy weight.

My new shoes help up wonderfully to the gym today! I also learned that my gym is going to have Zumba classes too, and for much cheaper than the place I was looking at before. I'm just so nervous! I'm afraid I wont be able to move the right way.

Food was good again today:
1 serving cheesy orzo: 4
1 serving taco soup: 3
1/2 serving chicken salad: 2
1 arnold sandwich thin: 1
2 slices tomato: 0
1 banana: 2
1 serving sweet chili rice crisps: 3
1 serving cheesy orzo: 4
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 yogurt: 2
1/2 cup brown rice: 2
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken: 5
1/2 cup peas: 2
33/38

Going to have some popcorn in a bit which will finish out the last of my daily points. I'm really proud of how the week is going so far!

Day 295

Today was the day of my physical. I was actually pretty nervous. My experiences with doctors have not all been good. Everything came out pretty well except for two things. My TSH is high (which means my thyroid is low, and my triglycerides are high at 277. All of my other cholesterol levels were very good. My glucose is perfect, my kidneys and liver are great etc. She said I might be a little iron deficient but that because I have such a heavy period that it could be the cause. Also, my blood pressure is great.

She wants to do more blood work in 3 months. She said that the triglycerides could be explained because of my weight loss and my body trying to break down the fat, but it still worries me. When I got home and did a little research I also learned that my particular brand of birth control can also cause a spike in triglycerides. Either way I'm nervous. She said that if it didn't come down we might talk about medication, but honestly I might try going off of the pill first. Hopefully it wont come to either of those things. She wants me to try fish oil and limiting my fat and sugar more. I'm not actually looking forward to that. Yes, that was effectively a groan on my part. I don't want to struggle anymore, it really kills my motivation. I'm not actually saying I will struggle, only that I'm afraid. Not afraid of failing, just of losing my stride again.

I also cant afford my prescriptions (4 new ones for skin issues), plus I need to pay my gynecologist what I owe her in order for me to be able to get more birth control. Argh. It just never ends does it? I am ready for a break now! Maybe I'll buy a lottery ticket.

Can I have a really big awesome plus side? I weighed in at the doctors office (cant avoid that one), and that scale read 325lbs. I'm not counting on it, but it would be nice right?

All in all it was actually a really good appointment and I am relived that I am no where near having diabetes and that all traces of high blood pressure (from when I was a teen) are gone. I am also thankful that everything else is good.

I think I am doing a pretty good job guys.

I think that despite my journeys pit falls I have really been succeeding. I'm not whining but sometimes it really feels like the deck has been kind of stacked against me lately. Oh, and I know there is no deck and that everything isn't actively working against me. Sometimes I just feel that way. We all do I think. It's just time to push it all back and deal rationally. I'm not going to lose track this time. It's my life, and I'm not willing to waste it wondering what if!

I went to the gym today, but since its an in between day for me I decided to do some swimming instead of cardio. I thought it would be relaxing since I tend to get so stressed when I don't need to. It was not relaxing. Somehow the YMCA messed up their schedule and there were too many people trying to use the pool for too many different things. I was kicked in the face by a man who was swimming with his head and torso under water and feet out. I let it go. Then his daughter asked him to stop because he was splashing everyone else in the face. He said: "I don't care, they all deserve to be splashed." I am not joking. I just got out. I had been swimming for 45 minutes so it wasn't the hour and half I wanted, but it was enough and I needed to be near a less stressful group of people.

Today:

2 ww waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
2 cups chopped broccoli: 0
1 cup sliced peppers: 0
1 tbsp teryake sauce: 1
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 serving salsa: 0
1 orange: 1
1 sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving beef and veggie stew: 5
24/38

I will add the rest of my points after I use them!

Retta gave me an award! The I Love Your Blog award!

Here are "The Rules":
1. Thank the person that gave it to you.
2. Write 10 things that you love.
3. Pass this award on to 10 other bloggers.

1. My husband.
2. My cats.
3. My family.
4. My friends.
5. A quiet night at home alone.
6. My dogs.
7. Gummy bears.
8. Raspberry Iced Tea.
9. Singing.
10. Being able to see the stars at night.

Retta broke the rules and so I am too. I am not passing this on to any one person! The ability to share things about yourself belongs to everyone and honestly? I love too many blogs to pick just a few. Take this and share it with your friends too.

Day 244

This is my post for Sunday! I lost 3.6 lbs! Bringing my total loss so far to 86.8 lbs and my current weight to 331.

Am I always doom and gloom? I woke up on time on Sunday morning despite having a late night and trudged dutifully to my WW meeting. On the way there I went over all of the positive changes that I was trying to make this week. I believe the reinvigoration challenge was a success. I feel better. There are still some things I really need to straighten out. My food has been a challenge in the last week, but I kept that in mind while grocery shopping after the meeting. My exercise is definitely better. Today is my birthday (I'm 27) and my gym clothes are now in the dryer. I am in fact going to work out today.

I'm proud of myself for knowing what my mental outcome would be before I stepped on the scale.

Spring Challenge update tonight!

Day 207

This is going to be short!

Today was hectic. I ended up going grocery shopping at the last minute today because I realized that everything would be closed on Sunday! I would have taken the car Monday but its hard for me to take the car on week days and I already had it today because of some other circumstances. I couldn't do it tomorrow because I have a bachelorette party to attend tomorrow night.

So it has been a long day. I think my food was okay today. I made it to 6 servings of veggies today despite being out of the house for 9 hours and then having a dinner date at a friends house.

Wish me luck for tomorrow, this bachelorette thing is at a bull roast for charity, Every celebration in our lives is centered around food!

Today:
1 baked potato with cheese: 7
1 small chili: 4
1/2 sub from subway: 5
1 serving sun chips: 4
1 serving rice: 4
1 cup sugar snap peas: 1
1 tbsp spicy sauce: 1
1 buffalo chicken baked potato (home made dinner at friends house WW friendly): 5
1 serving broccoli w/cheese: 2
1 serving baked lays: 5
38/41

Day 191

So this was me back in October of last year, just one month into dieting. I don't really have a picture of myself right now in the same clothes because I didn't think of it, and I was a little busy today. So you get a picture of me mid cleaning my house in one of my gym shirts and a paid of size 26 jeans (that I love). I cant the pictures where I want them so the 1st column of pictures are the most recent ones. Please ignore my picture hogging pets! I love them!

It has been so hard for me to see the loss so far, and looking at these pictures now I cant see it either (it could be the scale) but today when I put these jeans on and looked into the mirror in the living room I thought "My GOD I look different." It is so subtle. Its like someone changed the lighting in the room over night and suddenly WHAM the carpet is green. The gray shirt I am wearing is also a nice tell tale sign for me. I don't have the pictures to prove it but when I first bought it over a year ago I had to stretch it out before I could wear it. Now, it feels comfortable and not constricting. I feel like I'm falling in love with myself, which feels strange and narcissistic. And someone please tell me what part of being fat makes you feel guilty about liking something about yourself! If I feel like I look good I feel bad about it, or that I should somehow not show that I feel good about myself. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of appreciating my own self image and I'm afraid someone or something will knock me off my feet, and well if that's the case isn't it safer to sit at the bottom? NO! I think I will probably be knocked off of my feet several times before this is over and I do not think I would ever give back one second of feeling good about myself. That feeling, even just for fleeting instants is something I have been craving for my entire life. It's more than physical. It's a whole feeling. I look good on the outside because I am finally taking care of the inside. I'm pretty sure that something like that is worth fighting for.

In other news, I am waiting, with baited breath for this week to be over so that I can get back to normalcy...and wear clothes I'm not afraid of destroying.

Today:
1/2 cup mashed potatoes: 2
1 barbie cup: 6
1/2 cup steamed broccoli: 0
1 banana: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1/3 serving lunch meat: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving mustard: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1/6 of bubble up pizza casserole: 10
1 serving french fries (baked): 2
1 tbsp ranch: 1
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1/3 of a slice of dinner (struggling for a satisfying idea): 3
1 pudding cup: 1
41/41

Eating is currently the enemy as it makes me need to use the bathroom, and using the bathroom is..unpleasant. /TMI

Day 174

Getting to the good stuff first and foremost: I lost a point! Today I weighed 347.2! Making my total weight loss 70.6lbs! I started at 44 WW points (which is the highest they go, I measured out to 48 points) and I am now down to 41! Who knew having to eat less would feel like a NSV? I am so glad to have finally gotten below 350lbs! I felt like it was taking forever, but lets be honest, that was because I avoided weighing myself for two weeks!

So now, lets talk about that February goal. My goal, made on December 27th of '09 was to lose 25lbs by today's weigh-in. I did not meet my goal. I am exactly 9lbs short. But, um, I cant help but not be unhappy about that. 9lbs short means I lost 16.4 lbs. January was a bad month for me, I was so very depressed and down and just generally lagging behind the parade over here. In the whole month of January I lost a total of 2 lbs. I was afraid for a while there that I was going to give up, but I didn't, and here I am. I am 3.8lbs away from being lighter than I have been in probably over 10 years, and now, only 48.2lbs from 299. I don't know that my weight loss will always be this phenomenal (to me at least), and I am prepared for that eventuality, but I'm grateful for the rate of progress I am having.

I said I was going to make some new goals once I weighed in so here they are: Long term (no set date): 299lbs. Short term: 20lbs by May 2nd, which is another 9 weigh ins away. I don't think that this is an unrealistic goal, but it is a touch over 2lbs a week at 2.22 per week. At that rate it will take me 4 months (or 21 weeks) to get to 299.

That is all good news, but something bad did happen to me last night at Target that I forgot to talk about. Though I suppose forgetting about it even for a moment has to mean there has been some healing. My husband and I were in an isle with another family, some kids, and a husband and wife. I didn't even notice at first because quite honestly it has been a while since it happened or since I've noticed it happening but the kids, two teenage boys were making fun of me, loudly. I froze for a minute thinking that perhaps I was wrong, and then not knowing what to do. There is my husband talking about shower curtains obviously not hearing what is going on (though he was quite upset about it when I told him) and I was doing everything I could not to just burst into tears. So I left the isle and pretended to need to look at something else until I thought they were gone. First of all, this whole episode make me feel incredibly weak. I feel like I should have stood up for myself, but to who? Two hoodlums toddling along after their parents in a Target? Their parents maybe? I have a little bit of a temper when I get upset and I'm not sure that I could have handled any sort of confrontation correctly. I thought about all of that before leaving the isle. It makes me feel feeble like I said, but I think I made the only choice that wouldn't have left me feeling ridiculous. I also think that had I been by myself I would not have left the isle at all, but Chad was there, and I was so afraid he would hear them. I was afraid, if only for a moment, that he would be embarrassed by me, or ashamed of me. That, folks would honestly be all she wrote, I would be done. He is not ashamed of me, or embarrassed by me, and I feel kind of guilty for ever thinking it. In a single moment of weakness, in a single moment I almost let two nasty kids bend my self image out of shape again. I'm more than that, and if my husband knows it, shouldn't I? The lesson I think I am learning is something that my mother tried teaching me early on: No one can take anything away from you unless you let them. I was made fun of in a Target, less than 12 hours before making 70.6lbs lost. I still win.

After the meeting today I had a 60th birthday party brunch to attend, there was a lot of food there but I didn't do badly, and I even managed to share a slice of the birthday cake instead of eating a whole piece myself. I don't know the exact points for everything I ate, but I can list it off: 3 mini (the size of a silver dollar) mushroom and onion tarts, 1 brie and cheese tart (same size), some fresh fruit, a mini (deck of cards sized) egg salad sandwich, 1/2 of a mini (same size) ham sandwich, 1 chicken tender, and 2/5 of a slice of chocolate cake (Which was so good, I am so glad I was able to set that down!). I'm calling it 20 points, but I'm honestly not sure. I had 34 weekly points left though so even if I am wrong I think I'm okay.

I have so much to do this week (moving, packing, fixing the place we are moving to), my hopeful goal is to get to the gym 3 times, but I am going to aim for 4.

Today:
1 pack 100 calorie pretzels: 2
Alex's Mom's Birthday party: 20
4 oz spaghetti: 3
1 cup homemade veggie sauce: 3
1 slice cheese: 1
1 cup homemade vegetable chili: 4
1 slice cheese: 1
1 bag popcorn: 5
1 piece chocolate: 1
1 coffee with skim milk: 2
1 serving sw baked ziti: 6
48/41

Which leaves me with 27 extra points until Tuesday, which I think is so not bad. Good night!

P.S. I know I have been given some awards, and that I haven't gotten to them. Please don't feel as though I don't want them, or appreciate them, I just haven't gotten to posting them yet. Thank you so much for supporting me in all of this!

Day 148

I had my first diet parade nightmare last night. It's strange that I am having it now, so many weeks into this... In the dream (I'm so bad at remembering them) I was being chased by something bad (thus the running, it was probably asparagus...) and all of the sudden out of nowhere there was a desk and a scale. The normal WW receptionist was behind the desk, and the meeting leader was off to the side. Somehow, I knew I had to get on the scale and when I did I showed a gain. Then I was so devastated and they were yelling at me. It was pretty terrible. Don't worry though, when I woke up I found myself more amused than horrified honestly. It helps that I know that I could gain 20lbs and my meeting leader and the receptionist would never yell at me. They are great people.

It also helps that I made it to the gym again today! I did another 60 minutes (2.66 miles) on the treadmill and my full circuit. Now for your daily dose of "duh": When I enter my work out into the fitness computer there is a screen where you enter the intensity of your work out. Then it gives you calories burned. I have always entered "2" because on the treadmill I am still in the 2's as far as miles per hour go. Today I was enlightened to the fact that I am doing it wrong. It isn't about the treadmill setting, its about perceived exertion. According to that scale and the results of the computer today I have been shorting myself anywhere from 150 to 350 calories burned per day! Eek.

I am going to be running to bed early again tonight. I do not know why I am so tired so early these days, but I am. Last night I finally for the first time in weeks slept for 7 1/2 hours straight without waking. It felt awesome. I am aiming for that again tonight.

Today:
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 serving pulled buffalo chicken: 5
1 serving spinach: 0
2 servings green beans: 0
1 serving light margarine: 1
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 oz crackers: 2
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1/4 cup dried cherries: 2
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 serving meat loaf: 8
1 cup mashed potatoes: 4
1 slice cheese: 1
1/20 cup steamed peas: 1
1 serving bbq sauce: 1
38/42

Is anyone else living in the area that is going to be affected by this monster snow storm coming on the weekend?

Day 130

Today was kind of crazed. No gym today, but that's alright as I don't usually go on the weekends and I managed to go 4 times this week. I have my weigh in tomorrow, and I have to admit I am nervous. I feel like I deserve to gain weight after the past month. I have been on but not with all of my heart. I am back on track though!

Today we had dinner with my mom and some friends and then ended up doing a little clothes shopping. Now, I had been trying to hold out on that for a while because I didnt want to be continuously buying clothes as I lost weight. We just don't have the money. However we stopped at Fashion Bug because they were having some sales and honestly I need some stuff. I wear 2 bras now because I have lost enough weight that none of mine fit so I bought some too small sports bras to hold me up. Thing is, mine are large enough that I still need to buy them at specialty shops. Also the only jeans I had were size 32, and I wear a 28 now. So I purchased a few things. It made me feel good. I also went through every single piece of clothing I owned when I came home and now I have 3 garbage bags full of clothes to freecycle (which have already been scooped up pending pick up.). I feel good about this because plus size clothes are expensive and this way they aren't here like a safety net waiting for me. It was really hard for me to give them up because in the past (before I married my wonderful husband) I never had any clothes. (For example in highschool we were pretty poor and like I said plus sizes are not cheap. I owned 1 pair of pants.) Now I tend to hang on to things that should really be let go because of security issues. I am once again wowed by the things that weight loss makes you face. I dont think I ever would have connected the two issues until right now. I'm working through my life here!

Food was okay today, I still need to be better about veggies, but I am getting some in now.

Today:
Less than 1 serving last nights dinner (stir fry w peanut sauce): 9
Sushi w/family: 17
2 gyoza: 2
1 bite chicken katsu: 1
1 1/2 cups spaghetti: 6
1 cup sauce: 2
1 bite Chad's sandwich: 1
Total for the Day: 38/43

Wish me luck for tomorrow as I may need it! Hoping for a downward trend!

Day 126

I'm back! Yep, for real this time. I am feeling so much better. A lot of this has to do with the fact that I finally went back to the gym today. Yeah, I know it took me forever. Honestly I was in a funk. I was so afraid of failing and so miserable that I was failing anyway. I didn't so much fall off of the wagon as trip and end up getting drug behind diet parade for a few blocks. Oh, the gym, right. I forced myself to go tonight and I am so glad I did. I feel absolutely relieved. I hadn't quit, but this feat means that I'm not going to. Another step so to speak. The gym was still horribly over full. People were milling around everywhere, and worse yet, their children were milling around everywhere. Don't get me wrong. I love kids. In fact one of my driving motivations for this is to gain the ability to have children. But tripping over them because their parents aren't watching them, and having to wait for machines, cardio and strength because kids are playing (which is a different story because its dangerous for children to play on some of those machines) on them is not so great. So yeah, I was terribly intimidated by going back, and by all of those people, but I did it because I knew I had to. I'm back, and I feel so good about it. Despite the weight lost and the accomplishments had I still have a lot of self esteem to catch up on. I'm back! Sorry about the downtime, but I sort of think that's life. You can not possibly always have good weeks. Life isn't going to slow down or stop or accommodate me because I need to lose weight, and I have had a lot of life going on. I'm adapting.

So today I did a full circuit. I also upped some of my weights on certain machines where I knew I could. I only did 30 minutes (1.23 miles) on the treadmill though. Not because I couldn't keep going but because there is a 30 minute limit if someone is waiting and it took me almost an hour to get one in the first place.

On to the food:
1 can of soup: 3
1 serving fit active crackers: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 ww yogurt: 1
1 granola bar: 2
1 bag popcorn: 5
2 servings green bean and chicken casserole (it was 11something and I was at 15 points): 18
1 hot chocolate: 4
1 serving ice cream: 3
40/43

Not so bad, I definitely had my veggies today, and I am so proud of the gym. I'm back!

Day 118

So I have been debating posting here for two days. In honesty I wasn't sure what to say. I have been trying to tell myself for weeks now that I wasn't depressed or cycling through a bout of depression. I've been trying to stay above water so to speak. Unfortunately I am in fact depressed, and it has been effecting everything in my life. I think I started to feel it right after Thanksgiving and haven't really felt right since. I have also been sick, though I am (cross your fingers, my throat is still pretty sore) feeling better now. I was so worried about coming back here and telling everyone that I am struggling, and I realized I was having the same sort of trouble with the gym. I feel so ashamed of myself, I feel like because I am struggling right now that it somehow means I have failed completely. I've realized that my expectations of what other peoples exceptions (isn't that confusing to read?) of me are is damaging my outlook. I'm doing this for me right? This revelation started on New Years day. The night before we had ordered out and had a good time, but the next day I felt very off. I didn't blow my diet, but my heart wasn't in it. The next day was my wake up call. It was Sunday and I skipped my meeting. I woke up when the alarm went off and I felt so overwhelmed in that moment that I just didn't get up. No excuses. I just did not go. Later when I did get up I had to take another one of those really long looks in the mirror. I wondered if I was quitting, I wondered if I wanted to quit. My husband told me over breakfast that he wasn't going to let me off so easily next Sunday. Honestly? I wanted to quit. In the last few days I have wanted so badly to comfort my depression with food. I have wanted to just stop thinking about everything for a while. In the long run though I know that it would hurt me pretty deeply to undue all that I have accomplished so far. Maybe this is part of it too. Maybe I need to stumble a little bit to get better footing here. Like perhaps having stumbled and moved on, it wont slow me down as much next time. I'm human, we all are, and I can't promise that every day is going to be great or that I am always going to have something positive to say. I am actually battling myself here! I am fighting years of built up walls and ingrained habits that have become instincts. I'm fighting genes, pcos and emotions. I am fighting to lose 252lbs. Everyday I get the confirmation that this is in fact the hardest thing I have ever set out to do, and as of this moment I am not failing. I stop now and catch my image in the long mirror in the hallway and I want to cry. I'm shocked. I look so different now. I can finally see it and now I'm struggling. Now? 54 pounds. How can I quit when something in me yearns so strongly to go on? The person who has the highest expectations of me is myself. I'm a pretty moderate perfectionist, and before this I have always felt like if I messed up or stalled I would have to start over. Over and over again. I said there would be no redo's here, and so there aren't. I don't need to wipe the slate clean, I need to learn from this. I am stronger than food, and food cant cure what ails me. Ever. Food will not make me less depressed, quite the opposite in fact. I'm not quitting.

This has been a hard year for me, one of the hardest in a long time. My day 100 came and went in the midst of this and I don't know if I really gave myself credit I deserved at the time. I have done a good job so far and I intend to go all of the way. I don't have any resolutions for the new year because I made mine back in September. I'm not back tracking, I am moving forward. I have some things that need to be moved back on track, but I'm back. My diet has been on point since Sunday, and my mom will be here at 5am to take me to an early morning gym session (not going to be a regular thing, but the New Years Resolution crowd at the gym is awful right now, and its easier to go in the AM), so hopefully that will become a regular thing again. I am going to start with smaller goals right now. I don't want to set myself back again by expecting more than I can or want to handle right now. What I want is to get back to exercising and back to feeling better both physically and mentally. So I give you the revised goals:

Revised goals (for this week only):

1. 150 minutes of cardio
2. 3 full circuits (2-4 sets each machine except the lat pulldown)
3. No extra points (starts Tomorrow and ends next Tuesday)
4. 3 days at least of the gym
5. Blog every day! It keeps me honest and clear headed.

Today:
1 fresco chicken burrito: 6
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 medium salad: 5
1 bag popcorn: 5
1 banana: 2
1 can veg soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
2 turkey burger patties: 4
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving pickles: 0
1 large baked yam: 4
1 tbsp honey: 1
1 cup green tea w/1 tbsp honey: 1
Total for the Day: 40/43

I will be updating later to add more tea! It feels so good on my throat.

I hope no one is put off by my honesty. It is the biggest reason that I blog. It keeps me honest. When I find that something (like this) has been really hard to say, I know even more that it needs to be said. I heal myself every time I get something like this out and I feel that my honesty is going to help me move on.

Day 100

Today is Day 100! I am now celebrating the strongest commitment to weight loss that I have ever made. I made my first weight loss post here in August of this year. I called it Day Zero. I felt inspired by other bloggers and needed a support group that wasn't so involved in my day to day life. I had been hopeless, I had given up. I said I felt like a sapling planted in red clay. My body wasn't responding to any of my needs let alone wants. I couldn't aspire to anything. I was depleted of spirit. Even when I was trying, an off day was enough to make me give up. I think I had just finally had it. I needed a break from the mentality I was in, and I needed to find something that would make me want to hold on for dear life through those stumbles that I knew were going to come around eventually. Day 1 didn't happen until a month later when on a whim I decided to try Weight Watchers with my room mates. It was a golden opportunity, as it is very hard to be the only person dieting in a house of 6 people. By day 2 I knew I wanted to go to actual meetings. I struggled a bit at first with some of the new techniques involved with WW but eventually found that the program really works for me. I started exercising and before the 1st week was out, I had made it to the gym.

I found myself being incredibly honest about myself and some of the very personal aspects of weighing 417lbs, and instead of being embarrassed I found myself enlightened. My sense of self started to change and with it so did some of the aspects of this journey to lose 252lbs. I started feeling that sense of hope as the pounds and inches started coming off and the non scale victories came to the surface. Is everything easy now? No, but I am building habits that are making it easier to cope with and easier to succeed. The biggest change is that more than ever before, I actually want to make it to maintenance.

By the end of week two I had suffered a terrible loss. My grandfather who essentially raised me, passed away very suddenly. I actually do not know how I found the strength to contend with this journey, and that loss at the same time. I felt, and still feel very broken by it, and there is a part of me that I'm sure always will. I did continue though. By Sunday December 6th I had lost 44.2lbs, in just 13 weeks (Not counting the week before I started meetings when I didn't know what I weighed, and not counting this week as it was a different scale.). I have gone from someone who should have been in a size 34 to someone who can now take off their size 28's without unbuttoning them. I have gone from the woman on the bench to the woman coming in from behind. I'm still the underdog, but it's my show now! I feel better, and I feel different, and I feel like I am on the right path. I made a goal of 20-25 lbs lost by January 1st of this year and depending on this Sunday coming I really believe I am going to make it, on that day I won't celebrate with food though, as I have so often in the past. No, I am going to celebrate by setting another short term goal.

I know this is all long and disorganized but the over all journey has been an education to say the least. I am learning things about myself and the people around me. I'm learning that the world is different when you are losing weight or have lost weight. I've learned that I'm not worthless, or ugly even though sometimes I still struggle with wanting to believe that I believe because it's easier. I'm learning that self control and moderation are in fact well woven with the core meaning of learning to love myself. I have learned that my current limitations are temporary, and that I can beat them. I am learning that I don't need anyone else to do this with me. I gained 252 pounds all by myself, and while company along the way is welcome and even wished for I am learning that not having that isn't a reason to give up. I have learned that even just a little loss is enough, and that a mistep isnt failure and no reason to jump ship. I will win the whole war this time, mark my words. Even if I from here on out the battles become prolonged, I'm going to kick ass out there on the field in every single one. I am learning what it takes to actually be free, and the thing that makes me want to hold on for dear life through even the worst of times? Me.

I'm celebrating today, but the real deal comes tomorrow. I made it to the milestone, now back to the grind. The parade moves on!

Today has been better. I did get more points in, and healthier points I believe. I also tried making dinner. Thank goodness a roommate was around. Not only is my stomach still in painful revolt, but the smell of the food was bringing me pretty close to wretching. Tomorrow the goal is, get up, try it again, and laundry. I'd like to get to the gym, but I'm pretty sure that I really hurt my stomach muscles (as they are so very sore, sleeping on my belly was NOT an option until this afternoon) with coughing and mostly with trying so very frantically to pass that trapped gas on Saturday and Sunday. I'm trying to keep it light and easy right now. I'm getting better finally thought! I'm so excited I could cry for joy!

Today:
1 large salad (spinach, broc, caulif, pickles, carrots, 1/2 egg, jalapenos, bell peppers, chick peas, tomatoes, salad top, and 1 serving light ranch): 5
1 can soup: 7
1 serving light american cheese: 2
1 serving ched rice crisps: 2
1 1/2 cups cooked spaghetti: 6
1 cup homemade sauce: 6
Later smaller serving:
1 cup spaghetti: 4
1/2 cup sauce: 3
1 serving light american cheese: 2
1 yogurt: 2
Total for the Day: 39/43!

I'm only 4 off despite another bad stomach day!

Day 93

Another long one, kinda disorganized and mostly about the state of things.

Today was a lot of fun. I was setting up the party from 1pm until 7ish when it started and it didn't end until almost midnight. The hubby and I walked after dinner though. I tried interval jogging. I am so not ready yet, but perhaps if I keep it up. I warmed up a bit first with just walking and then I tried jogging. I might have lasted 30 seconds. Now to be fair to me, I was jogging up hill and it is like 20 degrees outside with the windchill. At first I wasn't feeling bad at all, but then I had to stop. There just wasn't an in between (you know, okay - - - not okay), and I was so uncomfortable afterward that I only made it another 20 minutes just walking. I told you I wasn't going to kill myself, I was just having trouble getting my breath, my lungs hurt, and lets be honest: I weigh 373lbs. I was, if only for 30 seconds, jogging, uphill. Yeah, I'm super proud that I even tried and super disappointed that I couldn't do more. I think I am going to take it more slowly now that I know where my bar stands. I am going to try some faster walking, or power walking.

Now this is all outside of the gym because the fact of the matter is I need to go back. No matter what I do outside of the gym nothing makes me feel better than completing my circuit and getting through a week with a ton of cardio under my belt. I've been letting myself down, and I feel the need to clarify that statement: This isn't guilt. It's a mixture of anxiety about the feeling that I could be this size, health, and fitness level forever. It's about letting myself down and knowing I could have done more. I don't feel that it is the same thing. I don't feel beat down by it, I feel empowered. I know my weakness. I'm facing it now. These are the moments that will make or break me. The truth is that I quit things, a lot. I always have, and diets or lifestyle changes or shifts or whatever you want to call it, are the worst. I can think of a million things I would rather do than count points, or eat another salad or walk for over an hour at the gym. I can think of so many nights where I wanted to just eat some pizza or some chinese or something that I could eat a ton of and not have to think about. Food has been my comfort for so long. There have have been so many attempts and plans and none of them have actually addressed my issues. I'm now being forced to address them because of portion control. I am dealing with some extreme emotions and mental barriers here that are so strongly connected to food and portion control specifically. I have said things akin to this before, but I really don't believe there will ever come a day when I will be completely free from this. A big part of it is personality, I'm lazy and I hate confrontation (and after missing so much gym time that's what going back feel like for me, confrontation.). The rest of this could be a large mix, genetics, environment, and PCOS. We talked about it at the last WW meeting, but I do not see the scale or the meeting as a punishment as some members there do. I see it as a measuring stick sure (and yeah I know also to use measurements, but when 25+ people are weighing in in the space of 25 minutes for a 45 minute meeting taking measurements on each one as a form of tracking at said meeting is just a bad idea), but I also see it as a small victory. Even when I dread it, it isn't because I feel guilty about my week, its because I havent believed in myself. It's because I have to face the results of my actions very directly and specifically and my self image and worth (as you know by now) are so very connected to those numbers. Not because someone else gets to see them, I don't care if people know what I weigh, I used to though. I have anxiety because I get to see them. Anxiety may be a bad word to use also, stress would be a better descriptor. The thing is though, even after not such a great week or even a great one I feel so much relief. I haven't quit. One more day, one more week one more hour. I can go just another day. My accountability is to myself and not a group of ww members or my household or my friends. Though perhaps it is also to my husband. The food and points and exercise are all working for me. The problem is me, and my constant and relentless effort to undermine and commit self sabotage. I just have to get through it, and I know it wont be the last time I have to face myself in the mirror this way. I have given in so many times before, and I honestly think that maybe the larger part of the pie that is me wants to stick it out this time. Around me people are falling off and on and off and on, and I have to admit that this makes it so much harder, because the support structure is changing. People are no less supportive of my actual effort, but since their effort has changed I am finding that I have to make hard choices more often. It's all a test I suppose, and I'll pass. I'm sure everyone gets tired of hearing it but I really am working on the inside. I feel like for years and years I've been patching a leak in an over burdened pipe and now suddenly I've decided to actually repair it and I am dealing with a flood now. I weighed 417lbs. There is a lot of mess to wade through, and I'm not sure I can shield everyone from it, or hide the process so to speak.

I just want to keep moving forward, and I'm struggling right now. It is Day 93, and the longest I have ever stuck with anything like this, ever.

My goal for right now is to get back to the gym. One step at a time to get out of the tangle I'm in.

Today:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
2 servings white chicken chili: 15
10 meatballs: 20
2 dessert strawberries: 4
1 serving doritos: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 8/30

Day 89

11 days until 100! This has been a strange day. I feel much better emotionally but I don't think I am going to do well tomorrow at weigh in. It is going to take a whole lot of will, but I am still going to go and face that scale tomorrow. Ugh, I hate feeling this way! I know that I wont lose every single week, but I can't help wanting to. I also know that gaining one week out of so many doesn't say anything about my effort or my self worth but I feel like they are so connected! Facing the scale even when I have had a good feeling week is hard. Feeling like I'm already doomed is the worst.

I'll perk up though, soon enough. I have a lot to do this month. The only day next week that I wont make it to the gym is going to be Wednesday as I am co-hosting a party. My goal for next Sunday's weigh in: 4lbs! Wish me luck for tomorrow anyway!

Today:
1 cup cooked oatmeal: 2
1/2 cup blueberries: 1
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 bag light popcorn: 5
1 char-grilled chicken salad from Chick-fil-a: 5
1 serving fat free honey mustard: 1
1 char-grilled chicken sandwich: 5
1/2 serving bbq sauce: 1
1/2 small peppermint chocolate chip milk shake: 8
Total for the Day: 29/44
Leftover: 15

Actually I think I made better food choices today, so that's one thing. I'm also not terribly upset about the leftover points as it doesn't happen very often anymore.

Day 88

Today was again, so much better than Wednesday and before. I didn't have a car, and my mom who usually goes with me was out of town so I didn't go to the gym. I did however exercise. I walked 2 miles tonight in under an hour, and half of it was uphill. I am so incredibly proud of myself right now. I did so well! Tomorrow night I will try to do something more. I haven't used the weight bench yet, it sort of intimidates me*. I'm not too worried, I should be getting back to the gym and the weight circuit when my mom is back, on Wednesday. Until then I feel pretty good about what I am accomplishing. I weigh 374lbs and I walked 2 miles uphill, flat, and down hill, in under an hour. I think I might call that an NSV because honestly 6 months ago I'd have flat outf said no to a walk like that and whats more...I wouldn't have made it.

Something I do think that I need to get under control though are my eating habits. Not my points. I stay within my points so I'm not actually doing anything wrong. I don't eat enough during the day and end up having too many points at night after dinner. Now, this hasn't really been a forever problem, mostly in the last week or so, and I just haven't taken steps to correct it yet. So starting tomorrow I'm going to try and get more points in during the day. Normally I eat 5 or 6 times a day, recently I have been eating 3 or 4 times a day. I'm also going to get back to eating oatmeal or something more breakfasty in the mornings. I'm still good on the rest of my rules. I don't eat after 2am, and I don't eat after 11 on Saturdays etc.

All of that being said I am not looking forward to Sunday's weigh in. I know, I never am. I feel like I haven't been as diligent about my points this week. I don't feel that I have gone over or past my points, but I have this feeling I'm going to see one of three things: a slight loss, a maintain, or a gain. Ah well, no one goes though life without any lemons.

*Just a clarification: When I say that the weight bench intimidates me I only mean that I'm not quite sure how to utilize it. I lift weights all of the time at the gym but using the weight machines and not free weights. The weight bench in my basement is all free weights. No worries!

Today:
1 can soup: 5
2 thin slices light american cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice cakes: 2
1 bag frozen mixed veggies(this is how I have been getting in my veggies this week!): 0
1/2 of an orange: 1
1 serving soy sauce: 1
1 serving black bean sauce: 1
1 1/2 cups brown rice: 6
HUGE serving spinach: 0
1 serving fat free cheese: 1
1 serving salad topper: 1
1 serving light ranch: 2
1 ww quesadilla: 4
1/3 cup ww cheese: 2
1 baked potato (large): 7
2 slices light american cheese: 2
1 cup light chili: 4
1 ww frozen meal: 4
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 1/35

Again, way, way too much cheese. Gotta lay off!

Day 87

Wow, I am posting so early tonight. It might be because I finally feel better. You know what cured me? I walked 2.5 miles at the track tonight. I felt so much better when it was over even though it was a tough walk. The treadmill is so much easier than a real walk. However, all of the work I have done on the treadmill has given me so much. I couldn't walk a single mile on the track before I started using the treadmill regularly. My stamina has increased a whole lot. So, don't think that I don't respect that machine, because I seriously seriously do. Anyway, 2.5 miles and less depression! The only issue that I am having today is that suddenly after dinner I am having a tummy ache! I'm only at 28 points, but I cant really imagine getting anything in right now. So I'm going to take some pepto and wait a bit. Maybe I'll have a nutella and jam sandwich before bed.

So I have some events coming up where food is going to be openly available. I am co-hosting a party with a friend, and so I get to make some of the food available. I was thinking of making the meatballs that I made a while back. They end up making a pretty nice appetizer. The second event is a Christmas baking event. I'm not terribly worried about that as I don't particularly love cookies (I'll be making truffles. I am still looking for a recipe). Then we get to Christmas. I found a recipe for cranberry orange glazed ham on the WW web site. I could serve that with baked yams and a light green bean casserole. That way, no one would really feel like they were missing anything, and I wouldn't have to worry about not knowing the points of everything I am going to be eating. Dessert for me (at least) is going to be light homemade pumpkin pie. I'm excited. My family is very supportive and they know that I am going to be cooking "light" for dinner that night. I just want to make them happy.

I don't really fear pit falls anymore. I'm not afraid that I will make bad choices and more importantly I know that if I do make one or two less healthy choices that they can be overcome, and don't necessarily mean a gain that week. Life doesn't change just because I want it to, and honestly I need to realize that. There will always be something that I probably shouldn't eat. I can't force my eating habits on the world. So I will just have to stay strong.

All of you are so amazing in your journeys. Your honestly, you losses, and even your gains are inspiring. I look forward to reading your words even when I don't comment. Thank you all so much for supporting me.

Today:
4oz chicken breast: 4
1 serving steamed veggies: 0
1 serving light honey mustard: 1
1 can soup: 3
1 slice cheese: 1
1 serving cheddar rice cakes: 2
1 yogurt: 2
Spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving salad top: 1
1 serving light ranch: 2
1 serving light cheese: 1
1 banana: 2
1 cup chinese pineapple chicken: 5
1 cup rice: 4
1 cup steamed broccoli: 0
1 cup (3 hours later) chinese p. chicken: 5
1 cup rice: 4
popcorn: 5
1 ww mini bar: 1
Total for the Day: 43/44

I cured my slump!

Day 86

Just a short post tonight as it's actually pretty close to bedtime here.

I've been struggling this week, with so many different issues. A little laziness, a little depression and anxiety. I want to apologize for how down I have been. I've really been thinking through my issues and I still feel positive about this journey. I haven't lapsed back into old habits, and I don't plan to. I am changing, inside and out, and that is hard. It takes its toll emotionally and physically. I'm learning how to deal with that at the same time that I am dealing with life. It isn't supposed it be easy! That is what I keep telling myself. These past 86 days I have been raw and honest and ashamed and proud and awakened. Losing weight is more than just physically hard. This week I have been thinking so much about my expectations of myself at a healthy weight. I have so much fear about that, and it's so far off. Or maybe not, who knows how long it is going to take. I never thought that I would be afraid of being thin, but I am. Once I lose this weight I cant blame anything on being "fat" anymore. Infertility, laziness (which I always knew was personality based in any case...), self image, and so much more. I'm sure that there will be things that I have to face and untangle for myself. Perhaps many of my issues will be alleviated, but if they arent I haven't quite figured out what to do next. I'm looking too far down the possible paths I think. However, on a positive note, I said "once I lose" and not "if". I'm getting there.

Today:
1 small salad; 3
1 can soup: 7
1 sandwich thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 bagel: 2
1 serving fat free cheese: 1
1 serving pizza sauce: 1
1 banana: 2
4oz chicken: 4
1 large serving steamed veggies: 0
1 serving stovetop: 4
1 serving honey mustard: 1
1 cup ice cream: 5
popcorn: 5
1 yogurt: 2
Total for the Day: 43/44
Leftover: 1

Day 85

Just 15 more days until I make 100 days on diet parade! This has been a really off two weeks. My car died (again) Thanksgiving rolled around, bills and such were more than expected, and I kind of injured myself didn't I?

I started to type out this gigantic post about how I'm feeling about everything in my life right now, but I deleted it. It just isn't that important. I'm sure that when I look back at this years from now I wont have any trouble reliving the stresses I feel, but what I want to remember the most is the journey. Pure and simple. The fact of the matter is that outside of marrying my husband this is (and I know I have said this before too) the single most important thing I have ever done. Everything hinges on this. I'm standing at a fork in the road and I get to make a choice to either succumb to outside influences or just keep on trucking. I'm going to get to stand at similar forks in the road over and over again in my life. I feel like the right choice is always going to be the right choice, and if I want to live my life I have to choose it. I know that this sounds dramatic but I feel like to choose differently would literally be to choose death. I'd be condemning myself to a very confined life with a finite number of paths and limited choices. So I'll take my few days off (exercise only) and get moving again no matter how much I don't want to, and the longer I wait the harder it is I'm sure.

Time to relight my fire over here. I'm going to kill this demon and stop chipping away at my self worth.

Today:
1 arnold sandwich thin: 1
1 egg: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
2 slices turkey bacon: 3
1 can soup: 5
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving light ranch: 2
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving salad topper: 1
1 serving fat free cheddar: 1
1 ww mini bar: 1
2 1/2 servings (weight watchers recipe) chili (wanted to get my points in, there was extra, some spread out): 12
Corn bread: 6
Cheese: 4
1 cup ice cream: 5
Total for the day: 44/44

Wow, do I ever need to lay off of the cheese?! Tomorrow I also need to work on more veggies, and finally some exercise!

Day 82

Today was a slow and relaxing day for the most part. I feel more relaxed than I did a few days ago. I am looking forward to Christmas actually. I like the distraction. Its an automatic reason to be joyful and thankful and even excited. Yes, Christmas still excites me even as an adult. I'm hoping to handle Christmas the same way that I handled Thanksgiving. I'm going to have a great time and enjoy the traditions (food, presents etc) but not lose sight of my ultimate goals. I also don't want to put myself in a bad position mentally. I want to come through the rest of the Holidays guilt free. I will be cooking the whole meal on Christmas day, unlike Thanksgiving. I am going to try and plan out a Weight Watchers friendly meal, and dessert, while also trying to stay traditional to keep my family happy. I don't think they will know the difference honestly. Maybe I'll post some of my ideas here this week for some feedback.

My husband has asked about being allowed to have candy on Christmas this year. I told him that it wouldn't bother me. You have to understand how good he has been to understand my reasoning. Since we have gone on Weight Watchers he has stayed on plan, and never fallen off. Before weight watchers he ate candy every single day. That is not an exaggeration. Every night he brought home starburst or sour patch kids or something equally sugary. He honestly just loves candy, so does his father for that matter, Since we started counting points he hasn't binged on candy or asked for any, or complained about not having any. I really only like specific candy and so I don't feel that his having some on Christmas is going to affect me, and I trust him when he says just for the day. His journey is his own after all and he seems to be succeeding.

I wonder if there will ever be a day when my instincts switch over to eating just enough to be satisfied. Will there ever be a day when I can bring home a cheesecake and have just a slice, or none at all? Will I ever be able to go into a chinese food buffet and not over do it? More importantly will I ever accomplish these feats without thinking about it constantly? I certainly hope so. That will be one of the single most freeing days of my life I think.

Back to the gym Monday. Same goals as the week before last! Going for another 4 lbs! Also, my weigh in is tomorrow. I would be lying if I said I didn't hope to lose weight with all of my heart and soul, and I would be lying if I said I gave it my all this past week. I've been distracted and busy. Thus is the journey. I have a feeling if it was really easy it might not be worth doing, even though that sounds kinda funny. While my weight loss might not make a great showing I still feel as though the work I am doing on myself inside is making a major difference. I know that I am doing well, and will be trying to keep that in the front of my mind all day tomorrow. I would be pleased as punch to have just maintained tomorrow morning. Wish me luck!

Today:
Large (rather huge) salad: 6
3 tbsp light ranch: 3
1 can soup: 3
2 servings cheddar rice cakes: 5
1 serving cheese: 3
1 bowl of baked potato soup: 12
1 cup ice cream: 6
2 bites of second salad: 2
Total for the Day: 40/44
Leftover: 4

Day 81

This is going to be long and a little disorganized.

Yesterday was wonderful, but oh so long. I did go over my daily points, but I planned for that (or rather expected to) and had all of my weekly points to spare. Today was not so great. I didn't get a chance to eat until around 5pm and that ended up being a yogurt. I took care of my points later, but I didn't really binge on them which is also a step in the correct direction.

I'm pretty proud of myself for yesterday. I didn't kill myself over it, but I kept my diet and my points in mind all day. I also busted my butt all day yesterday and the day before, so honestly even without a gym I know I was burning calories. Today I am still completely exhausted and moody (which happens when I'm overtired.). We are pretty much out of groceries here because I manged to bring nothing home from Thanksgiving! I am pretty excited about that. I was able for once to just let it all go. It didn't matter more to me than feeling better for once in my life. This week has been crazy, and I'm sure I wont make a great showing (or any showing maybe) on Sunday when I get on that scale, but as of right now I have defeated Thanksgiving. I'm past the hump and still on parade. I managed to indulge and not crash my marching band into a tar pit. However, that still means we have no real food here. My husband (who is currently stringing lights onto a Christmas tree) took me out to dinner tonight for sushi. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get around to surveying the cupboards and making a grocery list.

I don't know how many of you (out of anyone who reads or ever will read this) feel like you can't get a hold on your diet or lifestyle change after something like Thanksgiving, but I'm sure there are a few of you. I'm saying this as much for myself as any of you: First, breathe. When that's done, eat something healthy. Go for a walk, and if you cant, then do some sit down exercises. A lot of times actions help me to reinforce or even change my thought patterns. If I am feeling low and I want to quit or I feel completely miserable I go to the gym. Even if I didn't want to go I feel better coming out. I feel like I get an inch ahead of the game. The feeling is like catching up on all of your missed homework. It's relief. So breathe, think, do, and forgive yourself. It was one day, and no matter how badly you did you will be okay. Dont let it change your coarse. I cant let it change mine.

I have also in the last few days found that people can not stand it when you refuse food. I do not know how many times I was asked about taking pie or cake or whatever home. I say "I cant eat that" and people get all uptight when you tell them you are on a diet. They roll their eyes and click their tongues in that "knowing" way. It isn't one day anymore when I take the day home to enjoy tomorrow! I'm not perfect. I made 5 cheesecake for the big feast and didn't bring a single slice home. I make good cheesecake. So good in fact that I might have found myself going at it in front of the tv at 2am with a spoon in a fit of boredom or discontentment or whatever! Perhaps someday I will be able to tackle that monster, but as I have said before: I know myself. Even if I could (and I probably could too) exercise complete self control, I don't want to be tempted. There is enough in everyday normal life for me to wrestle with here. Physically and emotionally. I just do not love food more than myself anymore. It isn't my coping mechanism, and it certainly doesn't make me feel better. I refused something on Wednesday before Thanksgiving while cooking with friends who know I am on a diet. They of course asked why, and I told them that it was too many points. One of them responded quite irritatedly with "And you are going to eat like 4 million points tomorrow so just shut up and enjoy it." Yeah, I get it. No one wants to count points on a Holiday. No one wants to be reminded that what they are eating is too much or bad for them or anything. I get it. So then stop asking why! I didn't go from table to table making sure everyone wasn't overeating, but do you know how many people came to make sure I was? It was infuriating. I know they mean well. They want me to have a good time too, and I guess they also associate food with general enjoyment. It comes down to more than the moment for me. I know that if I totally blow one day no matter how prepared I make myself to just let it go, that I cant. I'll analyze it and agonize over it and beat myself up.

2 years from now, I want to be healthy. I want to be in a size 12-14 and on my way to doing all of the things I have never been able to do before. I want to be fit enough to give birth, ride a roller coaster and dance (I'll be brave enough to learn then!) with my husband until dawn. When I am 70 years old, I want to be able to walk through the grocery store. I want to be able to sit on my front porch with Chad. I just want to be able.

Then I'll take some cheesecake home. I promise.

Today:
1 yogurt: 2
Sushi: 15
3 pieces gyoza: 3
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 slice light pie: 5
1 serving dip: 6
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 2
1 bagel: 2
1 veggie burger: 3
1 serving icecream: 3
Total for the Day: 44/44

Day 77

Now, after ignoring the fact that my kitchen is a bloody mess you will notice that picture number 1 (40 lbs lost) isn't really the same as picture number 2 (20 lbs lost). The camera was further away etc. I know that I have lost weight, but I honestly can not see it. At all. I'm not saying that I am doing terribly, I know that I am doing well, I can feel the weight loss. Maybe I have some sort of mental block thing going on but I can't see it, and I have to admit that is a little discouraging.

Today was an off day, not off plan though. I stayed home and did nothing today. It felt pretty good, though I felt guilty for not going to the gym. I am going to the gym tomorrow before some extra Thanksgiving grocery shopping. I did not do a full grocery shop for the house this week either. Its going to be a cleansing week for our fridge, and our cooking is going to become quite creative I imagine as we use though all of our leftover groceries. It gets a little harder here around lunch time for me though because there isn't anything easy or anything that doesn't need to be thawed before it can be cooked. Excuses huh? I really could just plan ahead, and I should, so I think that I will.

Tomorrow starts a new week! It was been 10 weeks since I started Weight Watchers, and 11 weeks total on diet parade! I have learned that I can in fact effect my weight loss directly, and that while my body isn't always going to listen to me, I do have some power here. I have also learned that no matter how much we plan things can always go wrong and lets be honest...they usually do. I can make better choices. No, going to the Golden Corral twice last week (once unplanned) wasn't a good choice, but it doesn't specifically have to be a bad one either. Oh, and a big one: I have learned not to let myself get to comfortable here! I think I will be reminding myself of this quite often, but as I get more relaxed about diet parade I tend to slow down a bit, and become less diligent about counting my steps. This is too important to guess at or estimate, or give a just "par" performance for. I need to keep up!

So a huge YES to the gym tomorrow, and better food choices and staying alert on the journey. Thursday is the next big hurdle and as much as I want to hide under the covers until Friday morning I am going to cook, eat and have a great time. I need to come up with that red yarn bracelet, or tuck away a motivating image I can look at when I'm feeling vulnerable. I don't want to take back 11 weeks and let one day become a horrendous month long train wreck. I cant let that happen, and so I wont.

Today:
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 3
1 serving rice cakes: 2
1 serving sriacha: 0
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1/2 serving bbq soy crisps: 1
1 ww yogurt: 1
1 banana: 2
Huge serving steamed broccoli: 0
1/3 cup steamed potato: 1
1 serving cheese: 3
1 serving honey mustard: 1
1/2 serving light ranch: 1
1 bagel: 2
1 serving turkey breast: 2
1 serving pickles: 0
1 yogurt: 2
1 chicken nugget: 1
1 ww mini bar: 1
2 servings WW Chicken Jambalaya: 16
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 1/32