Day 100

Today is Day 100! I am now celebrating the strongest commitment to weight loss that I have ever made. I made my first weight loss post here in August of this year. I called it Day Zero. I felt inspired by other bloggers and needed a support group that wasn't so involved in my day to day life. I had been hopeless, I had given up. I said I felt like a sapling planted in red clay. My body wasn't responding to any of my needs let alone wants. I couldn't aspire to anything. I was depleted of spirit. Even when I was trying, an off day was enough to make me give up. I think I had just finally had it. I needed a break from the mentality I was in, and I needed to find something that would make me want to hold on for dear life through those stumbles that I knew were going to come around eventually. Day 1 didn't happen until a month later when on a whim I decided to try Weight Watchers with my room mates. It was a golden opportunity, as it is very hard to be the only person dieting in a house of 6 people. By day 2 I knew I wanted to go to actual meetings. I struggled a bit at first with some of the new techniques involved with WW but eventually found that the program really works for me. I started exercising and before the 1st week was out, I had made it to the gym.

I found myself being incredibly honest about myself and some of the very personal aspects of weighing 417lbs, and instead of being embarrassed I found myself enlightened. My sense of self started to change and with it so did some of the aspects of this journey to lose 252lbs. I started feeling that sense of hope as the pounds and inches started coming off and the non scale victories came to the surface. Is everything easy now? No, but I am building habits that are making it easier to cope with and easier to succeed. The biggest change is that more than ever before, I actually want to make it to maintenance.

By the end of week two I had suffered a terrible loss. My grandfather who essentially raised me, passed away very suddenly. I actually do not know how I found the strength to contend with this journey, and that loss at the same time. I felt, and still feel very broken by it, and there is a part of me that I'm sure always will. I did continue though. By Sunday December 6th I had lost 44.2lbs, in just 13 weeks (Not counting the week before I started meetings when I didn't know what I weighed, and not counting this week as it was a different scale.). I have gone from someone who should have been in a size 34 to someone who can now take off their size 28's without unbuttoning them. I have gone from the woman on the bench to the woman coming in from behind. I'm still the underdog, but it's my show now! I feel better, and I feel different, and I feel like I am on the right path. I made a goal of 20-25 lbs lost by January 1st of this year and depending on this Sunday coming I really believe I am going to make it, on that day I won't celebrate with food though, as I have so often in the past. No, I am going to celebrate by setting another short term goal.

I know this is all long and disorganized but the over all journey has been an education to say the least. I am learning things about myself and the people around me. I'm learning that the world is different when you are losing weight or have lost weight. I've learned that I'm not worthless, or ugly even though sometimes I still struggle with wanting to believe that I believe because it's easier. I'm learning that self control and moderation are in fact well woven with the core meaning of learning to love myself. I have learned that my current limitations are temporary, and that I can beat them. I am learning that I don't need anyone else to do this with me. I gained 252 pounds all by myself, and while company along the way is welcome and even wished for I am learning that not having that isn't a reason to give up. I have learned that even just a little loss is enough, and that a mistep isnt failure and no reason to jump ship. I will win the whole war this time, mark my words. Even if I from here on out the battles become prolonged, I'm going to kick ass out there on the field in every single one. I am learning what it takes to actually be free, and the thing that makes me want to hold on for dear life through even the worst of times? Me.

I'm celebrating today, but the real deal comes tomorrow. I made it to the milestone, now back to the grind. The parade moves on!

Today has been better. I did get more points in, and healthier points I believe. I also tried making dinner. Thank goodness a roommate was around. Not only is my stomach still in painful revolt, but the smell of the food was bringing me pretty close to wretching. Tomorrow the goal is, get up, try it again, and laundry. I'd like to get to the gym, but I'm pretty sure that I really hurt my stomach muscles (as they are so very sore, sleeping on my belly was NOT an option until this afternoon) with coughing and mostly with trying so very frantically to pass that trapped gas on Saturday and Sunday. I'm trying to keep it light and easy right now. I'm getting better finally thought! I'm so excited I could cry for joy!

Today:
1 large salad (spinach, broc, caulif, pickles, carrots, 1/2 egg, jalapenos, bell peppers, chick peas, tomatoes, salad top, and 1 serving light ranch): 5
1 can soup: 7
1 serving light american cheese: 2
1 serving ched rice crisps: 2
1 1/2 cups cooked spaghetti: 6
1 cup homemade sauce: 6
Later smaller serving:
1 cup spaghetti: 4
1/2 cup sauce: 3
1 serving light american cheese: 2
1 yogurt: 2
Total for the Day: 39/43!

I'm only 4 off despite another bad stomach day!