The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Day 93

Another long one, kinda disorganized and mostly about the state of things.

Today was a lot of fun. I was setting up the party from 1pm until 7ish when it started and it didn't end until almost midnight. The hubby and I walked after dinner though. I tried interval jogging. I am so not ready yet, but perhaps if I keep it up. I warmed up a bit first with just walking and then I tried jogging. I might have lasted 30 seconds. Now to be fair to me, I was jogging up hill and it is like 20 degrees outside with the windchill. At first I wasn't feeling bad at all, but then I had to stop. There just wasn't an in between (you know, okay - - - not okay), and I was so uncomfortable afterward that I only made it another 20 minutes just walking. I told you I wasn't going to kill myself, I was just having trouble getting my breath, my lungs hurt, and lets be honest: I weigh 373lbs. I was, if only for 30 seconds, jogging, uphill. Yeah, I'm super proud that I even tried and super disappointed that I couldn't do more. I think I am going to take it more slowly now that I know where my bar stands. I am going to try some faster walking, or power walking.

Now this is all outside of the gym because the fact of the matter is I need to go back. No matter what I do outside of the gym nothing makes me feel better than completing my circuit and getting through a week with a ton of cardio under my belt. I've been letting myself down, and I feel the need to clarify that statement: This isn't guilt. It's a mixture of anxiety about the feeling that I could be this size, health, and fitness level forever. It's about letting myself down and knowing I could have done more. I don't feel that it is the same thing. I don't feel beat down by it, I feel empowered. I know my weakness. I'm facing it now. These are the moments that will make or break me. The truth is that I quit things, a lot. I always have, and diets or lifestyle changes or shifts or whatever you want to call it, are the worst. I can think of a million things I would rather do than count points, or eat another salad or walk for over an hour at the gym. I can think of so many nights where I wanted to just eat some pizza or some chinese or something that I could eat a ton of and not have to think about. Food has been my comfort for so long. There have have been so many attempts and plans and none of them have actually addressed my issues. I'm now being forced to address them because of portion control. I am dealing with some extreme emotions and mental barriers here that are so strongly connected to food and portion control specifically. I have said things akin to this before, but I really don't believe there will ever come a day when I will be completely free from this. A big part of it is personality, I'm lazy and I hate confrontation (and after missing so much gym time that's what going back feel like for me, confrontation.). The rest of this could be a large mix, genetics, environment, and PCOS. We talked about it at the last WW meeting, but I do not see the scale or the meeting as a punishment as some members there do. I see it as a measuring stick sure (and yeah I know also to use measurements, but when 25+ people are weighing in in the space of 25 minutes for a 45 minute meeting taking measurements on each one as a form of tracking at said meeting is just a bad idea), but I also see it as a small victory. Even when I dread it, it isn't because I feel guilty about my week, its because I havent believed in myself. It's because I have to face the results of my actions very directly and specifically and my self image and worth (as you know by now) are so very connected to those numbers. Not because someone else gets to see them, I don't care if people know what I weigh, I used to though. I have anxiety because I get to see them. Anxiety may be a bad word to use also, stress would be a better descriptor. The thing is though, even after not such a great week or even a great one I feel so much relief. I haven't quit. One more day, one more week one more hour. I can go just another day. My accountability is to myself and not a group of ww members or my household or my friends. Though perhaps it is also to my husband. The food and points and exercise are all working for me. The problem is me, and my constant and relentless effort to undermine and commit self sabotage. I just have to get through it, and I know it wont be the last time I have to face myself in the mirror this way. I have given in so many times before, and I honestly think that maybe the larger part of the pie that is me wants to stick it out this time. Around me people are falling off and on and off and on, and I have to admit that this makes it so much harder, because the support structure is changing. People are no less supportive of my actual effort, but since their effort has changed I am finding that I have to make hard choices more often. It's all a test I suppose, and I'll pass. I'm sure everyone gets tired of hearing it but I really am working on the inside. I feel like for years and years I've been patching a leak in an over burdened pipe and now suddenly I've decided to actually repair it and I am dealing with a flood now. I weighed 417lbs. There is a lot of mess to wade through, and I'm not sure I can shield everyone from it, or hide the process so to speak.

I just want to keep moving forward, and I'm struggling right now. It is Day 93, and the longest I have ever stuck with anything like this, ever.

My goal for right now is to get back to the gym. One step at a time to get out of the tangle I'm in.

Today:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
2 servings white chicken chili: 15
10 meatballs: 20
2 dessert strawberries: 4
1 serving doritos: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 8/30

2 comments:

Rettakat said...

There is so much good stuff in this post... but I just wanted to comment on one thing, cuz it's been on my mind for awhile anyway.

Attitudes are contagious! In my post Thursday (today) I mentioned making tough decisions. What I didn't go into was that some of those involved choosing who gets to influence me. What I allow to come into my mind, my thinking.

You are so right to recognize that if you are repeatedly exposed to people, and are vulnerable to it, their attitudes can be contagious, and make it harder on you. Sometimes you just have to protect yourself from attitudes that aren't healthy, like:
-oh well, we all are human so it's okay, it's a holiday and everyone does it.
-I'll re-start Jan 1st
-I can't... I won't... it's too hard... I'm too busy...

Or they will sabotage YOU in subtle ways, because THEY are not ready to change or be committed, or only give a half-assed effort (read Jack Sh*t's post from Wednesday! ha ha), or take the easy way out.

Protect yourself, your journey, your life from anyone or any attitude that will drag you down to their level. And they can be the nicest people, but if they are not ready, be careful that they don't infect you with it.

Okay, rant over. LOL! I just want very much for you to succeed. And I have noticed that sometimes (not always) people that opt for mediocrity love to attack someone that decided to DARE GREATLY.
Well, off to post mine, it's already written out. Can you guess what my subject is? Attitude... LOL!!
Loretta
=^,,^=

Rebekah Costello said...

I don't think you should ever feel like you have to hide the process or shield anyone from it. One of that things that makes you such an inspiration and such a fantastic person is that you ARE who you ARE with little to no facade.

I certainly appreciate not being shielded because (and I've said this many times over the years) you make me think. I hear your thoughts rolling around and for some reason it inspires me to do my own musing. I don't typically come to the same conclusions about myself (duh, different person!) but I'm always grateful for the inspiration to take another look, to dig a little deeper. Here lately you've been so brutally honest with yourself and the rest of the world that I've really felt prodded to do the same. Like you said, fixing the inside. That is HARD. I applaud you for it and I, for one, have no desire to be "protected" from it.