The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Day 144

So despite the snow dump on Baltimore all day today I still made it to the gym. I did a full circuit, and 60 minutes on the treadmill, so 2.66 miles. I also did 4 minutes on the bike while I was waiting for a treadmill. I managed to do a mile, which isn't much, but I'm still proud of getting on the bike. My food today wasn't bad either. I managed to catch 6 servings of veggies today and finished most of my points before 11pm (if you are new to reading this, I get up 4 hours early on Sundays so I stop eating earlier than usual). I made it to 37/43.

I also defeated some sweets today. I came home to find that my room mates had purchased 1/2 dozen doughnuts. My room mate even figured out the points for me, and I could have had one. I'm sure tons of people will wonder why I didn't in that case, but even I'm not completely sure. It was almost knee jerk. I wanted one, but I really did not want one. You know what I mean? You want that greasy/sweet/salty/horrible thing but you do not want the aftermath, and knowing that about yourself kind of means you just don't want it anymore...

Tomorrow is weigh in day, but I'm not sure there will be a meeting tomorrow because of the snow, so I have to call in the morning unless I can find some magic 1-800 number that has all of the closings... If they are on, I will be there, hopefully showing a nice loss. I will admit though that getting up 4 hours earlier than usual to get dressed, go out into the snow and find out that there is no meeting is going to make me nuts.

Wish me luck!

1 green tea with 2 tbsp honey: 2
1/2 leftover salmon stir fried with extra veg, and mandarin oranges: 5
1 yogurt: 2
1 orange: 1
1 serving sunchips: 4
1 subway sub, whole: 12
1 can beef vegetable soup: 7
1oz crackers: 2
2x tea with 1 tbsp honey: 2

Not bad.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Day 143

I did a lot of walking today outside of the gym, so when I missed the gym due to an appointment my mother "needed" to keep I wasn't so upset. I have plans to go with her tomorrow. We did have dinner out though, but I was good. I ordered a plain salad as a starter so that when my meal came I would be okay with putting half of it aside to take home, and I did it! I am not finishing up my points for the day with some cereal which is filling and with a little Splenda is also kinda sweet which is exactly what I needed. I ran a lot of errands today and so was out of the house pretty much constantly until almost 11pm. Thus, the bulk of my meals for the day were outside of the house. Still, I think I did well. I'm almost certainly overestimating the points for the appetizer pieces I had, but better safe than sorry. The salmon might also be off because the nutrition info on the site included the sides, one of which is rice that I didn't eat. I ate all of the steamed veggies though!

1 baked potato w/cheese: 7
1/2 small chili: 2
1 small salad (literally lettuce, tomato and cucumber chunks) w/ a serving of low fat ranch: 2
appetizer pieces:
1 & 2/3s pieces of sw egg rolls: 8
1 1/2 pieces boneless buffalo wings: 4
3 tortilla chips, w/ 2 tbsp dip: 4
1/2 of salmon served: 5
4oz spaghetti: 4
1/2 cup sauce w/meat: 3
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1

5 servings of veggies today. Not bad for almost all non home made. Thank GOODNESS I am going to get groceries on Sunday.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Day 142

The picture of me with the other girl is from New Orleans earlier this year. I can get the same scale of course, but this is one of the most embarrassing pictures of myself that I have. Yeah, I was happy in the moment, but just looking at this picture makes me want to cry. The first and second pictures are from tonight. I still have so far to go, and to be fair to myself I have nice big boobs which always make the effect of weight loss less dramatic from the front, but even I feel like there is a difference here. The thing is, when I was in NOLA I wasn't sure what I weighed. It could have been more than 417.8, but this is the most tell tale photo of myself that I have. There are more from that day and if anyone wants to see them I can show them, I just didn't want to crowd the page.

I accomplished some things this week so far. I have been eating better, and getting in a lot more water. I also started measuring my food out again, I think this in particular is going to be a big thing. I'm sure I was over estimating my portions. The veggies are a small issue right now as well are at the end of our groceries. I go out shopping once a week on Sunday after my meeting. Today though, I finally made it to the gym, and I did an hour on the tread mill, for 2.63 miles. No circuit today, but I might be able to do two days back to back, or just tomorrow and then Monday and so on as usual. My intention is to get completely back on track within the next week.

Now, this is just speculation, because my scale is so temperamental, but today when I stepped on it (and I know I shouldn't, I should ALWAYS wait for Sunday, but I was so curious.) and it said 355...which is 6 pounds less than I was on Sunday. This is not to say I will be 355 on Sunday. I was topless when I weighed myself this morning so I'm sure its off anyway but its a little boost filled with hope. Honestly? I needed that.

So yeah, onto today and food. We are coming down to the end of our groceries (and I am finally out of frozen meals YAY) and no one cooked tonight so I had a very boring food day with not enough veggies. I was also out of the house (at karaoke) from 8 until 2am so my points are a touch short. I'm okay with that though. I'd rather be under points than under the weight of bar food.

1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim: 1
1/2 banana: 1
1 yogurt: 2
4oz spaghetti: 3
1/2 cup sauce: 2
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving crackers: 2
1 ww panini: 6
4oz spaghetti: 3
1/2 cup sauce: 2
1 serving ff cheddar: 1
2 eggs: 5 (extra point for extra serving)
2 slices lunch meat: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Day 141

So upon examination I have discovered several things. 1. I have been falling back into the anti gym rut. I start feeling tired and unmotivated and then I feel so pressured and BAM...I'm doing all of the wrong things again. 2. My trainer at the gym has been "let go" in a seemingly unfair situation. 3. I am taking my butt back to the gym tomorrow come hell or high water. Honestly I need a kick in the pants. I'm feeling terribly dispassionate about everything right now. The only thing I am determined about is not quitting. I said I was going to think about things and really I have.

I'm not measuring my food as well as I was, and I wasn't tracking as well either, which meant I was forgetting things and over eating. I have a tendency to sleep too much when I start feeling this way making my days start I tend to try and pack in all of my points over a shorter period of time. I am not making it to the gym enough. 4 days a week minimum is what I should be getting. This week I am only going to get 3 (Thurs, Fri, Sat) because it has taken me this long to stop feeling sorry for myself. It is definitely time to get back to basics. I need to remember the things I discovered as I was learning this diet because I have definitely fallen away from them. This is all so internal though, so I still need to get myself physically up and out of the house tomorrow. No one can do this for me, I have to do it myself. Without that, I'll never make it.

What do you guys do when you are struggling? What finally gets you going again? I feel doubt in every choice I am making right now.

So far I know I need to A) Get back to tracking, seriously. B) Measure everything. C) Make my schedule more important. I need to space my food out so that I don't have 20 points left at midnight. D) Get back to the no eating after 2 am rule. And E) Get back to moving every day.

I don't want to fail here. I am pretty sure I can't fail here. I have so much to lose (and I am not talking pounds)!

Today (so far):
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1 banana: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 serving/ 1 oz baked chips: 3
1 serving baked ziti (vegetarian): 7
1 cup chili: 2
1 serving asian chicken and rice (frozen): 4
edited added in food:
1 serving crackers: 2
4 oz fit active pasta: 3!
1 serving chicken caccatoire: 4
2 servings low fat grated parm: 1
2 slices low calorie bread: 2
1 orange: 1
1 bag popcorn: 5

I am making a light and veggie filled chicken caccatoire for dinner over whole wheat pasta. I think tomorrows post will be a thousand times more positive. You know how I know? I always feel better once I get moving. Always.

Day 140

2 cups chili: 5 (count an extra point for what amounts to a second serving)
1 cup (less than) rotini: 4
1 serving cheese: 2
1 ww frozen mac and cheese: 6
2 servings dinner (sw baked ziti): 17
1 veggie burger: 2
1 sandwich thin: 1
1 ww frozen meal: 7
1 serving ice cream: 3
43/43 and 4/35

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Day 139

Some of you have commented to me that I shouldn't give up and honestly I'm not worried about that at all right now. I'm not giving up. My posts have been coming late because I am having a lot of trouble sleeping, so I have been going to bed on time and trying to sleep when I can. I dont think it is serious or anything. I said I was retaining water so I started to go into over kill on my water intake which wakes me up to use the bathroom every 2 hours. I'm also sure that the stress of moving in a little over 4 weeks has a lot to do with it.

Just a little edit: I also dont want people to think I get to make excuses for why I gained weight. The fact of the matter is, I was retaining water. I'm not saying that this is the only reason for a 1.2lb gain. No, it wasnt. I didn't exercise enough and my eating was unbalanced. I was eating too many starches and not enough vegetables and I was certainly not drinking enough water. Retaining water is a huge side effect of a bad diet for me, and has been since I was 16 (the first time I was told I had high blood pressure, which I no longer do). I can usually tell when I am doing well because I don't wake up swollen. Water retention is a check point for me that reminds me that I'm wavering on the wrong side of the road.

Something that I have learned from reading everyone's blogs is that no one walks this journey the exact same way. One person may low carb it while another does calorie counting, another may just do portion control and exercise. We all do it differently, but we all manage to experience some of the same troubles. Don't let someone else get you down based on a mistake you make or an off day or even week. Stick with it and be honest and good to yourself. You are the only one you need to prove anything to. I'm trying to practice these things myself.

In any case the posts this week might be a little short until Friday, when hopefully things will get back to normal.

1 1/2 cups bran flakes: 4
1 cup skim milk: 2
5 oz spaghetti: 4
1 1/8 cups pasta sauce: 4
3 cups sauted broccoli with spicy sauce: 5
1 sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 cup rotini: 4
1 cup 2 point chili: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving ice cream: 3
1 serving crackers: 2
1 cup rotini: 4
1 cup 2 pt chili: 2

The chili is heavily laden with vegetables, and was terribly good. I am going to have to make it again and post the recipe.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Day 138

...was a long one. I did make it to my meeting and I gained 1.2lbs. Yep, this is my first gain since I started. I know, I know everyone does. I just honestly felt like I was really on last week until Saturday night, which honestly might have something to do with it. I woke up on Sunday morning pretty swollen. My face was puffy and my ring was tight. I think perhaps the drink and the saltiness of the food provided for us at the convention were too much. Not to mention it being on the last of my period...I was retaining a lot of water.

I know that I need to step this up, I'm just not sure what that means right now. Before this, a small gain would have meant game over for me because I couldnt take I just want to make the loss happen even more. Reviewing the previous week I did in fact go to the gym, and as I have said I will no longer beat myself up for the lack of movement during my period...but still. I think I ate a very unbalanced week. Too many carbs, not enough vegetables and not enough water. We had a large amount of starches and all of the grains being used were white. my eating schedule was terrible and I was falling back into binging at night to make up the points.

I'm not going to cry over it (because I did that earlier and I'm okay now), but I am going to do better this week. The war continues and it was hard to post this here but I felt like I really really needed to.

1 pop tart (fiber one): 3
1 cup mandarin oranges: 1
1/4 small chili: 1
1 large salad: 6
1 serving light chicken tikka masala incl rice: 6
1 ww frozen meal: 5
1 serving chicken and green bean casserole: 9
later 2nd serving of casserole: 9
1 serving light crackers: 2

I got in around 8 servings of veggies because of the enormous salad, and the green bean casserole is laden with greens.

There will be another update tonight for today (139). This entry was just very hard for me and I needed time to let my words be anything but reactionary. I'm not really upset anymore, I'm going to sit down tonight and really work out what I need to do vs what I can do and see if I can push it without becoming overwhelmed. I know where I am lacking, but not everything feels clear. I'm still on the path, but my marching is a little off rhythm you know?

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Day 137

So here I am still far away from home. I wasnt going to stay the night here but there was so much to do and the convention bought my husband and I a I cant make this a long entry because the hotel that these meetings are being held at has a 30 minute per person allowance for free internet...I can come back and say more later if I want but I will be busy. I havent been too bad today honestly, but for the 2 coctails I had towards the end of the night at the staff dinner (also free, top shelf). I have also not been inactive. There is so much to do. In any case I figure that for accountabilities sake I will tell you all what I have eaten even though I can not show you the points yet because I dont know them.

1 large light cinnamon latte
1 serving mashed potatoes
1/4th cup chicken gravy
6 oz roasted turkey breast
tons of green beans
1 cup salad
1 cup rice
2 (ish) oz chicken breast
2 bread sticks
1 cup cream of crab soup
3 bites no bake cheesecake

This was all day. I know I could have done better, but just estimating all of the things I think I know the points for I might be okay. Anyway, tomorrow is the weigh in and I am not going to miss it no matter what!

Edit: Also, I do have pictures to post, but I can not post them from the center here, they wont allow me to use my flash drive or my sd card.

Day 136

So I have to go push progress pictures back by one day. I had a horrible day today and it was only saved by my husband's suggestion that we go and see a movie we had both previously wanted to see, but thought we had missed. Avatar was seriously amazing.

I was out all day with my mom, and I didn't get a chance to eat until around 3, and then I ate again around 6 and I tried to get in one more quick meal once I realized we were going to the movies. That put me at 17 points, with 26 left to go. At the movies Chad and I shared their burger combo thing. The whole thing is four very small (and most likely microwaved) burgers with a small order of french fries. This is not the best way to spend my points! We also had some popcorn, and I will be paying for all of that salt in the morning. I dont know exactly what the points should be, but I am using ww online and calorie king for help in my estimations.

I have another very busy day tomorrow. I have a big meeting to go to and several small social scenes that I need to make an appearance at. Once a year I (and many friends) volunteer at a local convention in downtown Baltimore. I supervise a live and silent auction and an art gallery. For 5 days it is physically the hardest thing I do all year. Hopefully this year will be easier on me!

I also took my first active pill in my new pack tonight, so hopefully this means goodbye to the monthly slasher. I'll be able to move at more than a slugs pace, and able to sit on those strength machines without worry again. Soon.

Today on the run quite literally (and this is so sad):
1 ww frozen meal: 7
1 serving spaghetti with sauce and veggies: 6
1 ww frozen meal: 4
1/2 order french fries: 5
2 small cheese burgers: 10
popcorn: 10 (I know it is an over estimation, but I want to be careful here.)

I know, tomorrow will be better! Then Sunday is weigh in!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Day 135

Okay, so today was not one of those days that I would call a good diet day. No gym today, or really any vigorous movement because it is just that uncomfortable. I've come to this conclusion: When I have my period I am going to do what I can and not kill myself over the rest. The fact of the matter is that every time I exercise when I'm bleeding (please excuse the TMI, it is relevant) I ruin some piece of clothing. Every single time. It is also incredibly uncomfortable both physically and mentally. I'm all for pushing myself, but then on weeks like this (it isn't always this bad) I wind up feeling like I have failed somehow, when honestly I'm still kicking arse. Now, I still have a card up my sleeve here. I bought something tonight that I haven't tried since I was 13, that I am going to try tomorrow. Hopefully I'll feel secure enough to do more than housework!

However today was really good for me mentally. I woke up feeling down on myself, but by then end of the evening I was feeling a lot better about where I am.

Now for the bad. I am only at 26 points for the day...out of 43. This of course is not the end of the world and I still managed to get in 4 serving of veggies in just those points. I was distracted and uncomfortable for most of the day, and by the time I remembered food I was past my 2am deadline. I ate though because at that point I was only at 10! I know, bad me! I don't see it as a complete bad thing though. As I have said before, it used to be that I would get distracted and eat and I forget which reminds me again of how food isnt the top priority in my life anymore That makes me incredibly happy.

I'm going to take and post some progress pics tomorrow night so stay tuned!

1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 can soup: 5
1 serving crackers: 2
2 servings spaghetti with sauce, veggies and cheese: 16

Edit: I get to add 6 points for homemade hot chocolate with pink heart shaped marshmallows. So 32/43.

Sticking with it, even when a week doesn't go as planned!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Day 134

Alrighty, so remember when I said I wasn't going to let me period slow me down? Well it hadn't, because it was late, due between Friday and Sunday. Well it came on Tuesday, while I was at the gym. It was fine! I made it through! Then this morning I woke up to my normal every month horror film (Thanks Patsy! I love the phrase.). So, needless to say I didn't go to the gym today. I'm not terribly upset about it as I still have 2 more days until the week end which would meet my goal, plus Saturday which isnt a normal day for me, but still. I'm not stressed. Life happens!

In any case I still have things I can do. I still have my wall push ups and leg lifts, and now that Chad is home we can take a walk a little bit before bed. Speaking of Chad being home, this one is a quickie because I want to relax a bit!

1 1/3 cups bran cereal: 3
1 cup skim milk: 2
1 banana: 2
veggie (3 servings veggies!) skillet with 1oz smoked turkey sausage: 5
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving crackers: 2
1 serving pulled bbq chicken (my recipe): 6
1 1/2 rolls: 6
1 cup mashed potatoes: 4
1/2 corn on cob: 1
tasting while cooking: 2

Going to have some popcorn while watching a movie or some tv. 8 servings of veg today!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Day 133

I was thinking about this journey a lot today. I think perhaps I am falling back in love with it. I never stopped needing it or wanting it, but I did stop enjoying it for a while. I need to remember how much I have gained on the path that I am taking. I have lost 57.4lbs. If I manage to lose 60.5 more pounds I will officially be under 300lbs for the first time in such a long time that I honestly do not remember it. I have been 350+ for so long. I honestly never ever thought I would ever be over 400lbs, but then I also never thought I would lose this weight and I know I am going to do that. I'm trying not to day dream too hard because I dont want to become impatient. I also know that losing weight wont solve every problem I am ever going to have but it would be nice to be in better shape to face them.

Things are happening! I am pretty officially a size 28. Not just in 1 or 2 stores, but in most of them. I can walk 2.6 miles in an hour or less, before I couldn't walk for 15 minutes without needing a solid break. My back doesn't hurt as much, my legs almost never hurt anymore, I can breathe and I don't swell like I used to. This doesn't even cover the positive influence on my self image. I look in the mirror these days and I don't feel as much like a troll. I even bought make up for perhaps the 3rd time in my entire life the other day...and I wore it instead of tossing it into a drawer for fear of drawing attention to myself. I actually found clothes in a store that I thought looked good on me. I found myself wanting to look in the body length mirror at the store, and when we left I didn't feel worthless! I felt amazing. Oh, and the best yet? I can hold my laptop on my lap finally! If I get results like this at 360lbs I cant blame myself for wondering how I will feel at 299.9!

It was cardio only today at the gym and I did my full hour, though I found myself wondering if I could have done 90 minutes. If time and crowd allows, I may try tomorrow. So my current cardio for the week is 120/240. I again did not bring those weights down, but again I haven't really watched any television. I also still need to do my wall pushups and leg lifts tonight. I managed to do my pushups last night but by the time I went upstairs I had forgotten about my leg lifts. I will be doing those tonight as well.

1 cup bran cereal: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 oz beef roast: 2
1/2 cup potatoes: 2
1/2 cup carrots: 0
1/2 cup peas 1
1 serving stirfry no rice: 4
1 serving homemade pulled bbq chicken (roommate recipe): 4
1 bun: 4
1 slice light cheese: 1
1 serving sriacha: 0
1/2 serving light ranch: 1
1 cup mashed yams: 4
1 ww frozen meal: 6
1 serving fit active cracker crisps: 2
1/2 serving bbq sauce: 1
To be eaten soon:
1/2 cup ice cream: 2
1/2 cup blue berries: 1
1 banana: 2

So far I have eaten 5 servings of veggies today. I am going to have some fruit before bed though, which should bring my total to 7. I think I have done pretty well today!

Day 132

Today was a good day. I did my full circuit and 60 minutes/2.6 miles on the treadmill at the gym and I feel great about it. It was easier today, so I know I'm getting back to where I was before I started to give up! I worked on my strength machine goals today too. I did 4 sets on a few machines, and 3 on most others, pushing myself. I don't push myself until I might get hurt but just until I honestly need to stop. On to the cardio goal! Out of 240 minutes I have 180 left. Still shooting for 300 though. I did not bring my weights down yet, but I haven't watched any tv today either, and I still have to do my wall push ups and leg lifts tonight. I will!

To anyone who says you can not eat good food on a diet: Puh! Tonight I had roast beef with carrots, mashed potatoes and gravy, and I am still under my points. I love cooking and I was so afriad that it was going to be an issue on this journey. I love/loved cooking rich foods. Stews, pastas, curries, etc. I was afraid that not only was I not going to be able to eat what I wanted, but that losing weight was going to ruin my love of cooking. I could not have been more wrong. I do get to eat what I want. Sometimes I have to cook things a little differently, use lighter ingredients and I definitely have to eat serving sizes. It does take some getting used to but the results are worth the learning curve! As far as cooking goes I was forced out of my groove so to speak. I have learned new cooking techniques and tons of new recipes. I have essentially renovated my repertoire.

1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 homemade grilled cheese: 4
grapes: 1
1 fresco chicken burrito: 6
1 serving fit active crackers: 2
grapes: 1
2 tbsp mashed potatotes (tasting while mashing): 1
5 oz beef roast: 8
2 servings carrots: 0
1 cup mashed potatoes: 4
1/2 cup gravy (home made! sooooo good!): 2
ice cream: 5
Total for the Day: 39/43
Leftover: 4

Getting better about the food and fruits and veggies! today I got in: 6 servings. MUCH better than before. Still working on it.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Day 131

Today was weight in day, and over the last 2 weeks of not weighing myself I have lost 3.2lbs. Yeah, lost. I think I had fluctuated up a bit before getting back on this week. I am so happy to have the downward trend still going on officially though I need to step it back up. I am capable of more! Diet parade is still going on! However now that I am comfortably back on plan I think I should revisit those weekly goals I so hopefully made more than a week ago. I'm thinking that weekly goals are really good. They give me something to shoot for and every time I defeat a chunk of goal stuff I feel really good about myself.

My goals for this week (Monday - Sunday):

1. Get to the gym 4-5 days this week.
2. 240 minutes of cardio this week at least, no less. I am shooting for 300, which would be a 5 day gym week. Again it doesnt all need to be at the gym or on the tread mill.
3. Strength machines, the whole circuit, 3 times this week. Try really hard to get back up to 4 sets on most machines.
4. Wall push ups, and leg lifts. Yep, going to start both. 2 sets of 12 each to start, every single night. Want to fight the saggy skin!
5. Shooting for 7 servings of fruits and veggies a day. I know I am supposed to have 9, but since I have been getting in less than 5 I figured I could work up to that.
6. No extra points! This is a loose rule. I don't want to use them, but I'm not going to torture myself.
7. Eat a real breakfast every day! Not lunch for breakfast. Oatmeal, eggs, cereal, fruit etc.
8. Treat myself better. I have a bunch of things going on, including moving on March 6th and I need to keep my anxiety and my depression at bay here. I need time to myself, and I need to make time to keep my surroundings in check. My bedroom needs to be my sanctuary! My goal this week is to keep it completely in check and unstressful.
9. Track on paper again, as I'm not as good about tracking on the computer. I find I'm more likely to forget if I don't track it right away.

I also want to keep my hand weights handy in the living room. I'm going to be in a lot this week and I often get sucked in by the tv, so I figure having the hand weights there will be a boon. I can get some light arm work in.

I'll report on these goals all week. I'm shooting for 5 pounds lost again, which last time brought me 4. Who could complain? I started taking my inactive pills on Friday, so I'm sure I'll complain some. Going to get these goal done regardless of my period!

1 small chili: 4
1 baked potato with cheese: 7
1 cup mandarin oranges:1
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving crackers: 2
grapes: 1
2 blocks dark chocolate: 2
1 serving homemade orange chicken w/rice: 8
1/2 cup steamed peas: 1
1/2 serving dinner (again): 5
1/2 cup steamed peas: 1
2 cups hot chocolate: 8
w/ heart shaped marshmallows: 2
43/43 + 4/35

Wish me luck!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Day 130

Today was kind of crazed. No gym today, but that's alright as I don't usually go on the weekends and I managed to go 4 times this week. I have my weigh in tomorrow, and I have to admit I am nervous. I feel like I deserve to gain weight after the past month. I have been on but not with all of my heart. I am back on track though!

Today we had dinner with my mom and some friends and then ended up doing a little clothes shopping. Now, I had been trying to hold out on that for a while because I didnt want to be continuously buying clothes as I lost weight. We just don't have the money. However we stopped at Fashion Bug because they were having some sales and honestly I need some stuff. I wear 2 bras now because I have lost enough weight that none of mine fit so I bought some too small sports bras to hold me up. Thing is, mine are large enough that I still need to buy them at specialty shops. Also the only jeans I had were size 32, and I wear a 28 now. So I purchased a few things. It made me feel good. I also went through every single piece of clothing I owned when I came home and now I have 3 garbage bags full of clothes to freecycle (which have already been scooped up pending pick up.). I feel good about this because plus size clothes are expensive and this way they aren't here like a safety net waiting for me. It was really hard for me to give them up because in the past (before I married my wonderful husband) I never had any clothes. (For example in highschool we were pretty poor and like I said plus sizes are not cheap. I owned 1 pair of pants.) Now I tend to hang on to things that should really be let go because of security issues. I am once again wowed by the things that weight loss makes you face. I dont think I ever would have connected the two issues until right now. I'm working through my life here!

Food was okay today, I still need to be better about veggies, but I am getting some in now.

Less than 1 serving last nights dinner (stir fry w peanut sauce): 9
Sushi w/family: 17
2 gyoza: 2
1 bite chicken katsu: 1
1 1/2 cups spaghetti: 6
1 cup sauce: 2
1 bite Chad's sandwich: 1
Total for the Day: 38/43

Wish me luck for tomorrow as I may need it! Hoping for a downward trend!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Day 129

I am updating early tonight so that I can hang out with my husband for a while. I might convince him to see a midnight movie...

I have received 2 awards over the last few days, one of which I got from 2 people! Patsy and Christina. Thanks guys! I am honored beyond words. I have been sticking with this despite the fact that I am/was struggling. I'm pretty proud of myself here. For the sake of length I am going to copy Patsy and make up my own rules here. For the beautiful blogger award you are supposed to tell 7 interesting things or secrets about yourself, and nominate 7 people, and for the Happy 101 award you are supposed to talk about 10 things you love, and then nominate 10 people. I am going to do the Happy 101 thing because I haven't done it before...and I get to nominate more blogs.

1. My husband. We will be married for 3 years come this October. The first time I ever saw him I was 12 years old and I knew then that there was something special about him. I love him more than I ever thought I could love anyone or anything.
2. My family. I love my whole family but my mom, my brother and my grandparents were my world for the longest time. My grandparents are gone now, but I'm going to be living with my mother and brother again soon. They need help with bills.
3. My friends! Who are so much my extended and sometimes immediate family. They have pulled me through so much crap.
4. My animals. I have more cats than I think most people ever have in their entire life, and 3 big snot nosed labs (2 mixed, all rescues). I think people should be more responsible with their animals!
5. Movies. I used to work at a video rental store. My friends and I worked all of the time and then on our days off we would go and spend the day at the movies.
6. Singing. I grew up in a family of singers and I have very limited vocal training. I find singing to be relaxing. It helps me to clear my mind. My zen time.
7. Music. I know this one goes hand in hand with the one above, but I use music for everything from cooking to exercising!
8. Cooking. This has become quite a passion for me.
9. Reading. Though I will be honest. My anxiety has kept me from being able to finish a good book for a while.
10. Sleep! Self explanatory...

I am giving both awards to (Sorry about the links only thing. Usually I wouldn't do that.):

Onto the regular day! This part will be short because the rest was so long!

I went to the gym today for the 4th day in a row! It was a cardio only day so I did my whole hour at 2.6. That was actually quite exhausting, but I'm glad I increased the speed. I manged to do 2.61 miles in 60 minutes. I have come so far from not being able to finish 30 minutes at 1.5 mph.

My food was a little better today, but I am way under my points. I have been a little distracted I think.

Spaghetti with sauce (large serving measured): 8
1 yogurt: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving chicken and sugar snap pea stir fried with rice noodles and peanut sauce: 9
Leftover: 17

I am going to have some popcorn at the movie though so I wont be too far under by the end of the night!

Day 128

Short post! Tonight was karaoke, but before I went to the bar to sing, I went to the gym! 3 days of gym time down. I did my whole circuit, but not as much cardio as I didn't have time to wait around for 25 minutes for someone to get off of a machine.

I have awards to post about but I really need to go to bed, so even though I see them and appreciate them I will post about them tomorrow night.

1 can veggie soup: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 fat free hot dog: 1
1 home made grilled cheese: 4
1/2 serving tomato sauce: 1
1 granola bar: 2
3 (very very small) slices pizza at the bar (I was so hungry I was getting sick, not good planning!): 12
1 1/2 serving spaghetti: 6
1 cup sauce: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving beef jerky: 2

Not so bad, and it leaves room for error since I guessed at the pizza. Good night!

Edited to add: Does anyone know what the average weigh limit for a gym "standard" (whatever that means) elliptical machine is? I wouldn't mind using them, but I am afraid that I am still too heavy...

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Day 127

This is a picture of me at the gym tonight. My mom took it on her cell phone to show me that I don't actually look as horrible as I think I do. You know what? She's right. I don't stick out like a sore thumb. Yeah, I'm fat, and what's more, I'm probably one of (its the YMCA, so there is a very diverse group using the gym there) the larger gym users there. I am the one in the black shirt and grey sweat pants. I'm finishing up my hour of cardio for the day.

Speaking of cardio, today was cardio only and I did my full hour, I also managed to go from 2.5 to 2.6mph in the second 30 minutes. I know that seems small, but a step at a time. I'm getting there. I'm really proud of myself for going to the gym again. I feel like I'm looking forward to losing weight again as opposed to just getting through the days.

My food has been on target points wise this week, but I am neglecting veggies again. I wish I could just strike a balance naturally.

I cant tell you what I lost or gained in the days that I was only sort of with it, but I will know at the meeting this Sunday coming.

1 grilled chicken sandwich: 5
1 serving sw mustard: 2
1 baked potato w cheese: 5
1 small chili: 4
1 special k granola bar: 2
1 serving fit active crackers: 2
1 lc wedge: 1
2 fresco burritos: 12
1 side rice: 3
1 serving ice cream: 3

See? I need to get back to getting my veggies in more frequently. I wouldn't worry about it if it were an occasional occurrence.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Day 126

I'm back! Yep, for real this time. I am feeling so much better. A lot of this has to do with the fact that I finally went back to the gym today. Yeah, I know it took me forever. Honestly I was in a funk. I was so afraid of failing and so miserable that I was failing anyway. I didn't so much fall off of the wagon as trip and end up getting drug behind diet parade for a few blocks. Oh, the gym, right. I forced myself to go tonight and I am so glad I did. I feel absolutely relieved. I hadn't quit, but this feat means that I'm not going to. Another step so to speak. The gym was still horribly over full. People were milling around everywhere, and worse yet, their children were milling around everywhere. Don't get me wrong. I love kids. In fact one of my driving motivations for this is to gain the ability to have children. But tripping over them because their parents aren't watching them, and having to wait for machines, cardio and strength because kids are playing (which is a different story because its dangerous for children to play on some of those machines) on them is not so great. So yeah, I was terribly intimidated by going back, and by all of those people, but I did it because I knew I had to. I'm back, and I feel so good about it. Despite the weight lost and the accomplishments had I still have a lot of self esteem to catch up on. I'm back! Sorry about the downtime, but I sort of think that's life. You can not possibly always have good weeks. Life isn't going to slow down or stop or accommodate me because I need to lose weight, and I have had a lot of life going on. I'm adapting.

So today I did a full circuit. I also upped some of my weights on certain machines where I knew I could. I only did 30 minutes (1.23 miles) on the treadmill though. Not because I couldn't keep going but because there is a 30 minute limit if someone is waiting and it took me almost an hour to get one in the first place.

On to the food:
1 can of soup: 3
1 serving fit active crackers: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 ww yogurt: 1
1 granola bar: 2
1 bag popcorn: 5
2 servings green bean and chicken casserole (it was 11something and I was at 15 points): 18
1 hot chocolate: 4
1 serving ice cream: 3

Not so bad, I definitely had my veggies today, and I am so proud of the gym. I'm back!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Day 120

Today was a bit of a down day for me. I'm having a really hard time going to the gym right now because it is so incredibly packed with new people for the new year. There were literally no parking spaces tonight and it isn't in a place I can park away from and walk to. People were parked on the lawns and on the side of the very small drive path. I know it will drop off after a bit, but I need to go now and it is entirely too cold to get any cardio in outside. So I am again going to the gym at 5am. What I really need to do is get off of my butt and do some exercise videos and strength exercises. So regardless of the gym this morning my goal for the day is to do at least one video and some stretching with my hand weights. I need to break out of the mostly mental slump I am in!

My food is still great though.

1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
2 turkey burger patties: 4
1 slice cheese: 1
1 egg: 2
1 bag frozen veggies: 2
1 baked potato: 4
1/2 serving light peanut butter: 2
1 serving light ranch: 2
1 bagel: 3
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving SW baked ziti: 6
1 can veg soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
Total for the Day: 36/43
Leftover: 7

Not so bad. I'll probably have some ice cream in a bit, so I'll only have 4 points left over.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Day 119

This is going to be a shorter post than usual because my husband wants me to play the new Super Mario Brothers Wii with him. I've been putting him off since Christmas.

I am still working on this whole getting better thing. It involves so many things. I'm trying to redirect thoughts, and distinguish true hunger from boredom. I feel like I am back at the beginning here fighting for those first few inches. That isn't true though. I am still here with all of my progress, I'm just defining certain steps all over again for myself. I'll admit, it is really hard being back to being unsure and a little unsteady on my feet, but I'm learning the lesson that needs to be learned.

Also, my food has been great! I ate a lot of left overs today, but my veggies are up and my water intake is really up.

1 baked yam (small): 3
1 turkey burger: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving pumpkin butter: 1
1 medium salad w/ veggie burger pattie: 8
1 can vegetable soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 turkey burger: 2
1 serving turkey tenderloin: 3
1 serving corn on the cob: 2
1 serving low fat margarine: 1
1 serving green beans: 0
1 cup flavored rice: 5
Total for the Day: 35/43

I'm going to make some popcorn and settle in with Chad. Good night!

Day 118

So I have been debating posting here for two days. In honesty I wasn't sure what to say. I have been trying to tell myself for weeks now that I wasn't depressed or cycling through a bout of depression. I've been trying to stay above water so to speak. Unfortunately I am in fact depressed, and it has been effecting everything in my life. I think I started to feel it right after Thanksgiving and haven't really felt right since. I have also been sick, though I am (cross your fingers, my throat is still pretty sore) feeling better now. I was so worried about coming back here and telling everyone that I am struggling, and I realized I was having the same sort of trouble with the gym. I feel so ashamed of myself, I feel like because I am struggling right now that it somehow means I have failed completely. I've realized that my expectations of what other peoples exceptions (isn't that confusing to read?) of me are is damaging my outlook. I'm doing this for me right? This revelation started on New Years day. The night before we had ordered out and had a good time, but the next day I felt very off. I didn't blow my diet, but my heart wasn't in it. The next day was my wake up call. It was Sunday and I skipped my meeting. I woke up when the alarm went off and I felt so overwhelmed in that moment that I just didn't get up. No excuses. I just did not go. Later when I did get up I had to take another one of those really long looks in the mirror. I wondered if I was quitting, I wondered if I wanted to quit. My husband told me over breakfast that he wasn't going to let me off so easily next Sunday. Honestly? I wanted to quit. In the last few days I have wanted so badly to comfort my depression with food. I have wanted to just stop thinking about everything for a while. In the long run though I know that it would hurt me pretty deeply to undue all that I have accomplished so far. Maybe this is part of it too. Maybe I need to stumble a little bit to get better footing here. Like perhaps having stumbled and moved on, it wont slow me down as much next time. I'm human, we all are, and I can't promise that every day is going to be great or that I am always going to have something positive to say. I am actually battling myself here! I am fighting years of built up walls and ingrained habits that have become instincts. I'm fighting genes, pcos and emotions. I am fighting to lose 252lbs. Everyday I get the confirmation that this is in fact the hardest thing I have ever set out to do, and as of this moment I am not failing. I stop now and catch my image in the long mirror in the hallway and I want to cry. I'm shocked. I look so different now. I can finally see it and now I'm struggling. Now? 54 pounds. How can I quit when something in me yearns so strongly to go on? The person who has the highest expectations of me is myself. I'm a pretty moderate perfectionist, and before this I have always felt like if I messed up or stalled I would have to start over. Over and over again. I said there would be no redo's here, and so there aren't. I don't need to wipe the slate clean, I need to learn from this. I am stronger than food, and food cant cure what ails me. Ever. Food will not make me less depressed, quite the opposite in fact. I'm not quitting.

This has been a hard year for me, one of the hardest in a long time. My day 100 came and went in the midst of this and I don't know if I really gave myself credit I deserved at the time. I have done a good job so far and I intend to go all of the way. I don't have any resolutions for the new year because I made mine back in September. I'm not back tracking, I am moving forward. I have some things that need to be moved back on track, but I'm back. My diet has been on point since Sunday, and my mom will be here at 5am to take me to an early morning gym session (not going to be a regular thing, but the New Years Resolution crowd at the gym is awful right now, and its easier to go in the AM), so hopefully that will become a regular thing again. I am going to start with smaller goals right now. I don't want to set myself back again by expecting more than I can or want to handle right now. What I want is to get back to exercising and back to feeling better both physically and mentally. So I give you the revised goals:

Revised goals (for this week only):

1. 150 minutes of cardio
2. 3 full circuits (2-4 sets each machine except the lat pulldown)
3. No extra points (starts Tomorrow and ends next Tuesday)
4. 3 days at least of the gym
5. Blog every day! It keeps me honest and clear headed.

1 fresco chicken burrito: 6
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 medium salad: 5
1 bag popcorn: 5
1 banana: 2
1 can veg soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
2 turkey burger patties: 4
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving pickles: 0
1 large baked yam: 4
1 tbsp honey: 1
1 cup green tea w/1 tbsp honey: 1
Total for the Day: 40/43

I will be updating later to add more tea! It feels so good on my throat.

I hope no one is put off by my honesty. It is the biggest reason that I blog. It keeps me honest. When I find that something (like this) has been really hard to say, I know even more that it needs to be said. I heal myself every time I get something like this out and I feel that my honesty is going to help me move on.