Day 198

Today was both good and bad. I had a long day and I was out of the house for most of it. By the evening my back was so bad that shifting weight from foot to foot was unbearable. Yesterday I looked up some exercise/stretches for relief of sciatic pain (which is what I believe this is), and they help for a short time. The first time this ever happened to me it put me off my feet for over a week, I'm really hoping that this time it isn't so bad. Exercise doesn't seem to hurt it though which I am thankful for. I missed the gym tonight due to time constraints but made it to the local track with the girls. I also have a lot of naproxen left over (I am not a big pill taker) from that migraine I had, and that helped me some today and I read that an ice pack might also help, so I'm going to try that tonight (Frozen peas to the rescue!). Now there is something I am looking forward to: less aches and pains. I'm not saying that sciatic pain is just going to go away, but I'm sure that not weighing over 300lbs is going to help! I'm so tired of feeling sore! And before you ask, I have a physical scheduled in June!

My food is weird today also because of time, but I still managed to get in all of my veggies!

Short post tonight as I'd like to hang out with the hubby for a bit before bed. Good night!

Today:
1 ww muffin: 3
1 chicken sandwich: 6
1 cup cut up fruit: 2
bbq sauce: 1
handfull of peanuts: 1
1 small baked potato: 2
1 cup quick home made chili: 4
1 serving cheese: 2
2nd serving (each serving with 2 servs veg): 5
ranch dressing: 2
1 serving shepherds pie: 6
2nd serving (hours later, no extra pt): 6
honey mustard: 1
1 serving home made ww choc rasp torte: 4
1 serving cheetos (Yep, I did it. I shouldn't have, but I did.): 5
41/41 + 9/35

I used some extra points tonight! I do not know why but that always makes me feel guilty! That's really rather counter intuitive eh? I'm glad I can see that now. I have been much more active so far this week with the gym on Monday, big chores and walking on Tuesday, and the track tonight. A few extra points is probably good for me!

My mom is now eating WW with me because I do all of the cooking and make her lunches etc. She has lost over 100lbs with exercise. Her diet was bad, she wasn't eating enough and was relying way too heavily on supplements. When she first started WW with me she told me she knew she was eating too much and that she was only going to give it two weeks because she was afraid she was going to gain weight. Now, she has been sitting at the same weight for months trying to get it off. This woman works out hard, I mean soaking wet and still going! She should have been losing weight right? Nope. One week of Weight Watchers? She lost 5 lbs. Lesson: Do not starve yourself, eat right and make smart choices! Don't eat Cheetos. If you do though, write it down and let it go!

Awards Post #1

So since I have so much down time on my hands I figured I would fill in some places on my blog that I have been neglecting. First, the blog roll on the bottom right side of my blog. If you aren't there and you would like to be, I don't mind! Let me know. If I have been commenting on your blog, and you aren't there, no worries, I will be fixing that today! Second, I have been neglecting awards, and comments. Responding to comments is going to be a work in progress here, I want to make sure I respond more than I have been, but the volume is getting high! Please do not feel like I don't hear you. I do, and I appreciate your words!

This started out as 3 awards. I received a Creative Writing Award from both Lisa, and Esther (who I can not link as she no longer has a blog!). I'm sorry it has taken me so long to acknowledge these! I can no longer find the original posts! Its alright though, I think I can handle it.

The rules for the creative writer award are that you have to post 6 outrageous lies and 1 outrageous truth and then nominate 7 other blogs to receive this award. I guess people are supposed to guess at them?

1. I have more than 10 cats.
2. I have had the chicken pox twice.
3. I have been divorced.
4. I have an MA in political science.
5. I was a chess champion.
6. I have more than 10 dogs.
7. I have 3 middle names.

Then, recently, both my husband and I received a Sunshine Award from Skuttleboose! Thank you so much, its a very pretty award that lights up my little blog a bit!

"The Sunshine Award is awarded to bloggers whose positivity and creativity inspire others in the blogging world." The rules once this award is received are as follows:

1. Post the logo on blog.
2. Pass the award on to 12 fellow bloggers.
3. Link the nominees
4. Let nominees know they have won this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Share the love and link to the person you received this award from.

Well alright then! Again, there are so many of you who I believe deserve these awards! I have a very hard time nominating just a few from all of you, so if you dont have them already (and perhaps even if you do) I nominate you for these awards!

Day 171

So this video, if it loads is me (in red) and Becky in blue singing karaoke like we do every Thursday night. It is the worst night food wise for me not because I over eat or eat bad food, but because I don't get to eat enough (though I try) and I spend the night drinking diet soda. It is a lot of fun though, and I wouldn't give it up for the world.

I did go to the gym today, and I took it a little easy today as I am having some pain in my left leg, and my left hip. I did a full circuit, but shortened my cardio.

Sorry this is so short but its pretty late and I have a long day tomorrow...and it is snowing.

Today:
1 cup chili mac: 4
1 slice cheese: 1
2 breakfast burritos (home made):
2 whole wheat tortillas: 4
2 veggie burgers: 4
2 servings shredded potatoes: 2
2 jalapenos: 0
1 serving american cheese: 2
1 serving salsa: 0
1 serving ranch dressing: 2
extra point for extra serving: 1
1 cup grapes: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving buffalo chicken: 5
1 serving sweet potato fries: 4
1 package low fat cupcakes: 2
33/42

Also, I got all of your wonderful comments. It feels really good to know that there are people out there doing the same thing I am and that you are are watching me. I'm not the inspiration, you are.

Day 100

Today is Day 100! I am now celebrating the strongest commitment to weight loss that I have ever made. I made my first weight loss post here in August of this year. I called it Day Zero. I felt inspired by other bloggers and needed a support group that wasn't so involved in my day to day life. I had been hopeless, I had given up. I said I felt like a sapling planted in red clay. My body wasn't responding to any of my needs let alone wants. I couldn't aspire to anything. I was depleted of spirit. Even when I was trying, an off day was enough to make me give up. I think I had just finally had it. I needed a break from the mentality I was in, and I needed to find something that would make me want to hold on for dear life through those stumbles that I knew were going to come around eventually. Day 1 didn't happen until a month later when on a whim I decided to try Weight Watchers with my room mates. It was a golden opportunity, as it is very hard to be the only person dieting in a house of 6 people. By day 2 I knew I wanted to go to actual meetings. I struggled a bit at first with some of the new techniques involved with WW but eventually found that the program really works for me. I started exercising and before the 1st week was out, I had made it to the gym.

I found myself being incredibly honest about myself and some of the very personal aspects of weighing 417lbs, and instead of being embarrassed I found myself enlightened. My sense of self started to change and with it so did some of the aspects of this journey to lose 252lbs. I started feeling that sense of hope as the pounds and inches started coming off and the non scale victories came to the surface. Is everything easy now? No, but I am building habits that are making it easier to cope with and easier to succeed. The biggest change is that more than ever before, I actually want to make it to maintenance.

By the end of week two I had suffered a terrible loss. My grandfather who essentially raised me, passed away very suddenly. I actually do not know how I found the strength to contend with this journey, and that loss at the same time. I felt, and still feel very broken by it, and there is a part of me that I'm sure always will. I did continue though. By Sunday December 6th I had lost 44.2lbs, in just 13 weeks (Not counting the week before I started meetings when I didn't know what I weighed, and not counting this week as it was a different scale.). I have gone from someone who should have been in a size 34 to someone who can now take off their size 28's without unbuttoning them. I have gone from the woman on the bench to the woman coming in from behind. I'm still the underdog, but it's my show now! I feel better, and I feel different, and I feel like I am on the right path. I made a goal of 20-25 lbs lost by January 1st of this year and depending on this Sunday coming I really believe I am going to make it, on that day I won't celebrate with food though, as I have so often in the past. No, I am going to celebrate by setting another short term goal.

I know this is all long and disorganized but the over all journey has been an education to say the least. I am learning things about myself and the people around me. I'm learning that the world is different when you are losing weight or have lost weight. I've learned that I'm not worthless, or ugly even though sometimes I still struggle with wanting to believe that I believe because it's easier. I'm learning that self control and moderation are in fact well woven with the core meaning of learning to love myself. I have learned that my current limitations are temporary, and that I can beat them. I am learning that I don't need anyone else to do this with me. I gained 252 pounds all by myself, and while company along the way is welcome and even wished for I am learning that not having that isn't a reason to give up. I have learned that even just a little loss is enough, and that a mistep isnt failure and no reason to jump ship. I will win the whole war this time, mark my words. Even if I from here on out the battles become prolonged, I'm going to kick ass out there on the field in every single one. I am learning what it takes to actually be free, and the thing that makes me want to hold on for dear life through even the worst of times? Me.

I'm celebrating today, but the real deal comes tomorrow. I made it to the milestone, now back to the grind. The parade moves on!

Today has been better. I did get more points in, and healthier points I believe. I also tried making dinner. Thank goodness a roommate was around. Not only is my stomach still in painful revolt, but the smell of the food was bringing me pretty close to wretching. Tomorrow the goal is, get up, try it again, and laundry. I'd like to get to the gym, but I'm pretty sure that I really hurt my stomach muscles (as they are so very sore, sleeping on my belly was NOT an option until this afternoon) with coughing and mostly with trying so very frantically to pass that trapped gas on Saturday and Sunday. I'm trying to keep it light and easy right now. I'm getting better finally thought! I'm so excited I could cry for joy!

Today:
1 large salad (spinach, broc, caulif, pickles, carrots, 1/2 egg, jalapenos, bell peppers, chick peas, tomatoes, salad top, and 1 serving light ranch): 5
1 can soup: 7
1 serving light american cheese: 2
1 serving ched rice crisps: 2
1 1/2 cups cooked spaghetti: 6
1 cup homemade sauce: 6
Later smaller serving:
1 cup spaghetti: 4
1/2 cup sauce: 3
1 serving light american cheese: 2
1 yogurt: 2
Total for the Day: 39/43!

I'm only 4 off despite another bad stomach day!

Day 71

Today was another step in the right direction because I met my goals again. I went to the gym and got my 2.46 miles in. Another 60 minutes down. Today was cardio only, tomorrow is a circuit day. I stuck to my points even though I had lunch out with friends, and I got some sun!

Today my friend Ashley did something very touching for me. She made me a paperclip chain with 36 paper clips, one for each pound lost so far. WW users sometimes talk about them, and my meeting leader has mentioned them once, but no one has really talked in depth about them yet. I have one now and its very motivating to see the chain, and know that I get to add to it physically each week. Something tangible. I have 216 more pounds to go so its going to be HUGE. I'll wrap it around the Christmas tree or something eventually.

This is a quick post tonight because I want to go to bed early for once!

Today:
1 bowl size serving of chicken enchilada soup: 10
1/4 of 1/2 (oh the confusion!) serving loaded fries: 7
6 tortilla chips: 3
3 cups mixed lettuce: 0
1/4th cup diced tomato: 0
1/4th cup shredded carrots: 0
1 tbsp light ranch: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 cup light eggnog: 3
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 yogurt: 2
1 serving spaghetti: 4
1 serving sauce w/:
1 serving carrots
1 serving peppers
1/2 serving mushrooms: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving sauce w/ veggies included: 1
1/8th cup cheese: 1
1 frozen egg roll: 3
1 serving light honey mustard dressing: 1
Total for the Day: 44/44

Good night!

Day 18

This is a picture of one of my diet buddies Molly and myself at age 19. Yep, 7 years ago sitting in a Pizzeria Uno's in Towson MD, waiting for a movie to start. This was taken back when we both still used public transportation to get everywhere. I have known her since I was 4 years old.

I think that having people around who support you and care about your well being and your progress without judging you for your mistakes is very important. I think that without it, you are working sort of handicapped. I am grateful for everything I gain from them, whether it be a lesson learned, or a hand on my back when I stumble. I really hope that they feel they gain as much from me as I do from them.

Do you have a support group, or circle in your life (online counts!)?

I have decided that I am going to do this come hell or high water. I am not giving up, ever again. I still feel unsteady, but it isn't not knowing if I can do it, its being afraid that I wont. Again. I know that I can do this, and I know that I am capable of blowing off those fears. I will, I will, I will! I want too much, and have waited to long to ever start over again. If I could sign my name in blood I would because everyone (who left comments) is right. It is about making a decision for myself to commit to something that will change my life in every way.

Today was much better. I woke up feeling sick, but went to the gym anyway. I did my whole circuit and then after dinner I did another mile on the track (Becky is going to do the track with us when she can!), which puts my mileage for the day at 2 miles plus the strength machines. The best part is that after the gym I felt better than I had in days. I stayed on my points today, and today was easier. I do need to put some soup in the crock pot for my lunches though to up the points. I had two servings of dinner again tonight to reach my points. Not together, a few hours apart, but still. It feels like cheating.

Ashley is coming to the YMCA with me tomorrow morning! Yay! Also, tomorrow is the dreaded Golden Corral. I still have my game plan, and I looked up the points for everything I am going to eat tomorrow. If I can stick to this it will be yet another victory over my diet demons!

Today:
Breakfast:
1 baked potato: 3pts
1 wedge laughing cow cheese: 2pts
1 serving spinach dip: 1pts
1 serving OJ: 2pts
Snack:
10 mini rice cakes: 2pts
Lunch:
2/3 Chic Fila SW Chicken Salad: 5pts
1/2 pack salad dressing: 4pts
1 serving tortilla strips: 1pts
Snack:
1 low fat low cal angel food cake: 1pts
1 tbsp raspberry jam: 1pts
Dinner (counting together):
2 serving chinese pineapple chicken w/cup brown rice: 17pts
Snack:
1 cup ice cream: 3pts
Total for the Day: 42/44
Leftover: 2

It's getting better, it simply has to.

Day 7

These two ladies are my main diet support outside of my husband. Molly is the one who you can see completely, and Ashley is the one hiding her pretty face behind all of that hair. Ashley brought us the materials to get started on this diet, and I am so thankful. She also brought me one of the Hungry Girl cookbooks to scope out. This is a picture of them starting their blogs tonight!

I made it to the gym today! I did 15 minutes on the tread mill to warm up, and then I used the lifting machines. I have a membership at the local YMCA, and we all log into a system when we use the weights, so it records everything you lift and any exercise you do electronically. I will try and get a print out tomorrow. After sweating my butt off I did another 15 minutes on the tread mill. The arm curl machine gave me some trouble today. Not because I have trouble doing the lifting, but because there is another machine so close that I have trouble getting to the arm curl machine. I squeezed by today, but it hurt a lot, and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get out for a few minutes there. I must have tried for 2 minutes before I forced myself through. It felt horrible, the gym was busy and there I was struggling, I mean really struggling to get out from behind that machine. I didn't want to call anyone, I didn't want to draw that kind of attention to myself. It's already so hard for me to be there at the gym out in the open there baring my inadequacies to the world. It's a touchy environment for me to say the least. I did get out, and for a moment, just a moment I thought about bolting. Where would that have led though? I'd have let that moment defeat me, and then maybe I'd have let some other moment tonight defeat me. Then maybe I wouldn't be sitting here writing this blog post commemorating my 7th day on diet parade! I squeezed myself out of that tight spot, and went to the next machine in the circuit and continued. Another really proud moment. I probably wont always make the brave choice, but I will as much as I can. I can do this, I will do this, and every time I don't let something trivial defeat me, I get one step closer to my goal. Later we also walked the dogs on the track, and I did another 3/4ths of a mile. So my mileage today is 1.75 miles, plus lifting machines!

Today:
Breakfast:
1 cup cooked oatmeal: 2pts
2 pieces toast w/ 1 tbsp jam: 3pts
1/2 cup skim milk: 1pts
Snacks (all for day to save room):
1 ww yogurt: 1pts
1 100 cal pack choc wafers: 2pts
1 serving q oats rice snacks: 2pts
Lunch:
1 turkey and cheese sandwich: 7pts
1 serving ww soup: 1pts
(after gym) Stir fry: 3pts
Dinner:
1 serving Southwest Baked Ziti: 8pts
Meal?:
1 whole bagel pizza: 8pts
Dessert:
1 cup low fat ice cream: 5pts
Total for the day: 43/44pts!
Leftover: 1 point

I am perfectly okay with that. :)