The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Day 239

After getting up today I threw my gym clothes in the washer, and I went to take a shower. After getting out of the shower I went and threw my clothes in the dryer and then I napped while they dried. Why am I telling you all this?

Because that is what I was doing while fighting myself over going to the gym. It was a pretty epic and pathetic battle consisting of me, wobbling back and forth in my commitment shoes. I went to the gym. I did my full circuit, and 40 minutes on the elliptical. I am trying not to feel guilty about not doing a whole hour. I fell off of the exercise wagon and it is going to take me a little time to get back to where I was.

Tomorrow I am going to experiment by going to the gym early. Like as soon as I get up. I'm wondering if that wont help me because when it starts to get late, all I want to do is relax and detox my day. I wont be able to go early every day because of transportation, but it will be nice to alleviate some of my stress there too. Once my husband fixes my car I will no longer be relying on my moms car for transportation there! If you can feel me glaring at my's because I am.

Today I learned that I still want it, bad. But I learned that I get ahead of myself. I try too hard to go too fast and I end up very disappointed. Today I took my time and got my workout done, and that simple act has made me feel so much lighter. In the past couple of weeks I have let this parade get really out of control, but I feel like I'm getting my grip back. I saw someone new at the gym today making use of one of the personal trainers. She was very heavy, and seemed about my age. She looked so tired and so sad, and I just wanted to hug her and tell her that she wasn't alone, and that I felt the same exact way. Then I would have told her that it gets better every single day I stick to my guns and do what I need to. I would have told her she could do this, even though right now all she probably wanted was a diet coke and a comfy couch. The couch will feel even better later, after you kick your own butt. I didn't run up and interrupt her session, because I probably would have freaked her out (it would have freaked me out.). I'm cheering her on though, silently. It was like getting a really clear look in the mirror. Sometimes when I have to come here and report what I feel like are failures, its really hard. I feel like an impostor, or a pretender to the crown, but the truth is that there is no crown, and I'm human. This is not a race. A race implies that we know where were are going and that the road is mapped out before us. That is not the case here. This is a journey in the fullest (Tolkien style if you will) sense of the word. It is full of ups and downs and self discoveries that we might have previously thought unimaginable. It takes time to flesh out all of the intricacies that brought us to the beginning of something like this. There are no kings, or queens, only travelers, and the most notorious enemy we have to face is ourselves.

I did not get in all of my veggies today, but on the whole I had a good day. I do not feel as stressed, and I have a busy week ahead of me. My brother turns 23 on Friday and I turn 27 on Monday. Yesterday, despite my atempt to keep my head above water positivity wise, I sank. Today I feel like I'm swimming again.

Stay with me, I'm gaining back ground here.

*Also you might have noticed that I stopped posting my daily food. I wasn't sure that that was an important part here but if anyone else thinks so I will gladly put it back!


Rettakat said...

You are so right about it being a long journey of discovery, with ups and downs... I kind of think of the road as having lots of curves and bends. I can't see too far ahead, and sometimes when I round a bend I am surprised at what I discover. Sometimes pleasantly, sometimes not. But it IS an adventure, for sure.

I know what you mean about feeling like an impostor... but those are just stray thoughts to challenge. As long as we do our best to be honest with ourselves, it's all good. We are learning as we go. You are so right about the fact that we have to be careful not to be our own worst enemy!

You may have had a mental tussle, but you DID go to the gym. Feel good about that. THAT was the real victory, not the number of minutes on the elliptical. It would have been easier to give in and stay home, and think up an excuse that made you feel better about that decision... but you didn't do that, you DID go to the gym. Kudos!!


Googie said...

If there was an easy fix, we would all be supermodels. Keep up the great work and telly our hubby that your blogger friends said to get up and fix that car!

Seth said...

you went to the gym though.

LovelyMarie said...

Pat yourself on the back and move forward! You went to the gym and that's all that matters. Its a journey and you are going to have those sucky times when you feel like you are fighting yourself to do things but the aftermath of it all is what is going to make you love yourself for doing what you set out to do!

Enjoy your day!


G said...

Glad to see you go back to the gym. At the local rec center where I'm at, I've seen two guys in their 20's, heavier than even I started at. I approached one guy and told him that it gets a lot easier, as you said.

He got totally freaked out about it, and was almost offended.

The second guy, I would just give helpful pointers when I could (its common where I work out), he was appreciative of it. The "in your face" approach freaks people out just like you mentioned.

Tricia said...

While I mainly work out at night, the few time I do get my workouts in first thing it really sets a great tone for the whole day.