The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Monday, May 24, 2010

Day 258

Do you ever get tired of telling every one that you are having a bad time of it? I certainly do. I feel this intense need to tell everyone about this week because I really feel shaken a little bit. Okay, maybe more than that. You know how when you are doing something as life changing as losing weight you sometimes learn some things about yourself. Sometimes they hurt, but sometimes they are also helpful. I'm not sure how much I should dwell on this past week. I know I let myself lose my footing pretty bad this week. I'm going to talk about it

A close friend of mine recently discovered that she was pregnant, and I kinda broke down. It isn't anyones fault, especially not hers. I know that I am on the right path, and that I am doing this the way that I need to. Its just really hard to wait, and work so hard and not know what the outcome is going to be. I can't control fate/God/mother nature. I can only control my actions, and my choices. I just never expect this particular issue to hit me so hard. It knocked the wind out of me. I felt and still feel a little like I am grieving for something. It isn't all bad to be so sorely tried though. You learn your strengths.

My cat being sick is stressing me the most right now. He has a blockage in his urinary tract, This is only the 2nd time it has ever happened, and the first time was over 5 years ago. The first time it happened it was pretty bad. I took him to the emergency vet in the middle of the night and for a few days they wouldn't tell me if he was going to live or not. They kept him for 9 days that time. This time though my regular vet says the prognosis is good, and that hopefully I will be able to take him home by Monday. The money is stressing me out here too, but I would make the same choice over and over.

The rest of it, the cars the possible bed bugs, the stolen bank card and my husbands absolutely last minute trip out of state are just things that either keep me up at night (bedbugs) or make me really really frustrated, and sometimes (I'm not so ashamed to say) angry.

I had a really great Saturday though. A friend of mine wanted to go to the zoo for her birthday. It was the Baltimore Zoo and not the DC Zoo (which is much bigger), but I walked the whole think with friends, and kept up without getting winded or to tired or pained. I was so proud of myself that I could have exploded into shards of sunshine. My reward? A sunburn!

I did not go to my meeting as there was no one to take me. I could have asked a friend, but this is the same friend who is dealing with just finding out she is pregnant and who took me grocery shopping. I just didn't want to impose too much.

Today is another day, and the journey goes on. Hopefully I wont being dragging behind this week! Hopefully tomorrow something will getting my cat back and some of the constant stress I am feeling will lift. So don't worry too much about me. After all these years there isn't any "give up" left in me for this. All I've got left is "go".

Now it is 4:30am and I am still waiting for my husband to get home. See you tomorrow.


Kim said...

I have PCOS too and I just want to tell you that there is hope...I promise. I got pregnant w/ my son back in 06 and almost miscarried him. We caught it just in the knick of time and was able to get on hormones. You just keep at it with the weight loss and your body will surprise you...the docs have lots of things they can recommend nowadays to help a PCOS'er get pregnant. Also, I swear pregnancy is contagious. I couldn't get pregnant a second time for a good while and someone told me to hang around pregnant women for a while and it would happen for me. I didn't try it but in the homeschool community there's always somebody pregnant...sure enough it wasn't long before I got pregnant. lol (I's silly, but I dunno) My aunt that was declared totally infertile got pregnant 2 months after I had my son. Funny huh? :) ((hugs))
Oh, and have you tried Vitex? I know women that swear by it to fix woman problems. I used to take it, but my PCOS is super severe and it helped a little but I couldn't give it time b/c it gave me headaches. It might be somethign to look into.

Betty Rubble said...

It's OK to tell people you're having a hard time. If you don't then no one knows and just assumes that you should be OK.

Remember this too shall pass!

Patsy said...

You know I have PCOS and was told by a gynae years ago (admittedly, when I weighed 420lbs) that I was infertile. Even though I was still very big at the time (around 260lbs) I conceived Tabitha - and I was 38 years old at the time!

You will get there. It's a painfully slow process, but don't give up hope - or trying.

I hope your cat (and hubby) are back home with you very soon. :o)

Rettakat said...

It's really good that you are facing how you feel, not ignoring or hiding from it. Being honest with yourself helps to keep you connected... it's not pleasant to face and deal with the hard stuff, but you are doing it, instead of just letting go and eating over it.

I hope it gets better for you soon!

Ashley said...

you could have called me, and you know I would have come. I know all in all Im new to the group and everyone has stories and history with everyone and on the scale of things Im pretty low on the awesome friend scale. but you know if you need me you can call. I WILL do what I can for you.

I love you Ruby and remember, even if you don't want it (cause you'll be busy with your own by the time I slip up and become pregnant)... my first born is yours... and you'll have to deal with the angry/emo child Rob and I spawn.