The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Day 70

I did it! Day one down. I went to the gym, I did an hour of cardio (2.46 miles), and I completed my circuit (I even asked the trainer to show me a new machine). I did not use any extra points today either. The sunlight thing didn't go so well. Our schedule is bad for it to begin with, we don't even wake up until noon every day. I ended up distracted and when I looked up the afternoon sun was gone. Tomorrow is another day and it is still my goal to get some more sun this week before it starts raining again on Thursday.

I tried to quiet my mind down a bit before going into the gym, and I was unsuccessful. I was the last person into the gym though. I just needed a moment to myself to get my head where it needed to be. I was preparing myself to meet a set goal, and steeling my resolve. In the gym while I was doing my 2nd half hour on the treadmill I started to think about the journey and my progress so far. I know that I have so far to go, but I feel like I have come so far. The difference in the way I feel is so distinct. When I look in the mirror I can not see the difference that everyone else can, I just cant. However, when I'm walking and I realize that after 30 minutes I'm not winded, or gasping for air and coming up with excuses for why I can just stop now because 10 minutes was good enough it hits me. I'm different and I'm changing. My body is responding and I'm actually losing weight. It hit me tonight when I got into my Mothers car and put on my seat belt with no struggle at all. I'm embarrassed when I go to the gym in a bra that doesn't fit me, but I remember then too. It doesn't fit me because I have lost inches off of my under bust, and bust. Inches that several months ago I was convinced would never be lost. This is hard to share but my walk is different too. I realized tonight at the gym, why my toe was hurting. I might have cried a little over this. It (the toe) may be sprained, but I'm starting to walk on the actual bottom of my left foot. I know that sounds strange but I've noticed that I put a lot of my weight on the outside of my left foot, and now, I'm starting to walk correctly. Not with every foot fall, but maybe 1 in every 5 or 6. There is just so much, and its so overwhelming. Its happy, and its beautiful, and desperate, honest and ugly all at the same time. Its slow going, and cautious. Its smooth sailing and then suddenly there are potholes and construction going on. Despite never wanting to come back to this place (417.8lbs), I have a feeling I will be revisiting these roads in my memories for years to come. I know I have said it before but this is the single most difficult task I have ever faced. I'm grappling with my weight and myself. It can be an exhausting and exhilarating battle. I feel like I'm untangling myself from my little fortress.

1 banana: 2
1 ww frozen meal: 5
1 can soup: 5
1 slice cheese: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving ranch rice cakes: 2
1/2 cup light egg nog (ohhhh the craving): 3
1 serving ww orange chicken: 5
1/2 cup brown rice: 2
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0
1 bagel: 2
1/4th cup pizza sauce: 1
1/4th cup cheese: 2
Extra serving orange chicken: 6
1 cup rice: 5
Total for the Day: 44/44


What a Splurge said...

You've listed several NSVs in this post: the seatbelt, your increased stamina in walking and changes in the way you walk. This is a great way to look at your progress ... not just the number on the scale. I really commend you for your hard work ... physically and mentally.

Rebekah Costello said...


G said...

definately an inspiring post, it seems tough for me to (i guess)... describe the things I've been noticing, but you do a great job. Its crazy to see how similar the stuff we go through is. Dumb stuff like noticing a couple parts have gotten smaller.

Completely out of nowhere you mention walking on the outside of your feet. I do that to an extreme extent, it destroys shoes in months. If thats something I can look forward to, goody gumdraps and all that crap :)

Keep it up, its paying off.

Rettakat said...

"...this is the single most difficult task I have ever faced. I'm grappling with my weight and myself. It can be an exhausting and exhilarating battle. I feel like I'm untangling myself from my little fortress."

You have put it into words so well... this journey is sooo filled with all kinds of emotions... overwhelming, happy, beautiful, desperate, honest, etc etc.

Anyone on this journey who is in finally in touch with their real feelings will connect with this... I know I did.