The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Day 65

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt

I am searching inside myself for whatever was in me before. I am looking pretty deeply. I haven't been feeling very well emotionally for a while. I know that this isn't really a good enough excuse to just give up on myself. I feel like I have/had half given up.

Tonight I went on a walk with a friend, and it felt good, but I still felt emotionally depleted so it was hard to discern that feeling at the time. I am taking a break from lifting with my arms/shoulders at the gym. My shoulder has been giving me a fit for weeks now. I am doing stretches for it and getting regular massages (husband, not professional) of that spot. It feels like the trapezius muscle so I am also taking a break from wearing a bra as much as possible. I am a 52 G cup, so this is a big deal.

I have been consistent making bad choices, and I think its time that I accept that this isn't going to be easy regardless of my emotional state. I know that already, but I need to stop using it as an excuse. I need to remind myself that there is more at stake than my comfort for the few fleeting moments it takes to eat something that doesn't deserve the space I am giving it in my life.

Hopefully I can find the steel somewhere in myself and pull it out for a long haul because I am not where I want to be, and I am not who I want to be. The only person with any power to change that is me right?


Jamie said...

Hi there. My name is Jamie and I happened across your blog through someone else's blog. I just wanted to say that I am in your shoes as I have 200+ pounds to lose. I am so inspired by your blog. I have been considering starting a blog of my own and am too chicken - LOL. It takes a lot of courage to share your personal struggle with food the way you have and I admire you for putting yourself out there. The personal pep talks in your blog sound so much like the stuff that is in my head every day as I try not to give up. I have been following WW for a month and am already finding it a challenge to stay with it. It is such a struggle. I have realized in the last couple of years how much of this food thing is an addiction and I feel so taken over by it. It seems so stupid, yet it is my reality. I just wanted to leave a comment to say that I am encouraged by you, even when you are struggling, because you are still here, still writing, still trying to find your way. I too want so much to be free. I guess it will take baby steps down a very long path as losing this much weight will take some time.

Also, I am very sorry for the recent loss of your special cat. It is really hard to deal with a heartbreaking situation and not turn to food for comfort.

Just know that I am cheering you on as I struggle too. It is so stinkin' hard, but we can do this.


Sherry Bibliomane said...

Sometimes we do just have to go through the motions, even if our heads are not in the game. At least that is what I tell myself :)

I am just back in the saddle myself (day 3) and if you figure out how to find that *spark* after it's been lost, please share it. So many times I've lost 30 or 50 pounds and then get in that place where I just think "eh........" and go right back to my bad habits.

I have a similar amount to lose so I know how big of a struggle this is - physically, emotionally, mentally.... but pushing through this crap time is the key - and getting out on the other side.

I want to see you do it - then I will know it can be done!


Rettakat said...

Down to the rubber-meets-the-road time, eh? We ALL go through that. You did too, last time, so you know what I'm talking about.

In fact, I kinda think it's normal. Hard, but normal. And as long as I've been doing this, there is one thing I MUST do daily. Must. If I don't, I immediately start slipping. And it took me a long time to admit that it was just the price *I* had to pay to succeed.

What is it? I MUST do something for my mental health daily. Healthy input. On purpose. Every day.

Sometimes it's from one of several books I have, but most often it's something on my iPod, so I can do chores or whatever while I listen. And for me, once isn't enough. I listen over and over to something I really like, to let it sink in. And yes, it makes all the difference.

Why? Because the brain can't be thinking 2 things at the same time. If you are thinking about a motivational talk, you aren't worrying about failing or quitting or whatever. The law of replacement kicks in. Replace the bad mental junk with good mental stuff. I'm "re-programming" my brain!

Here's a good starting place I've followed for 3 years now:

Some of his posts really kick my butt!! But I need it. And through Coach Dayne, I've found other powerful ones. Like this one, which I saw at least half a dozen times, then loaded the audio into my ipod and listened another dozen:

Yep, it's that good. And stuff like that truly makes a difference in my thinking.

If all you did was read ONE past post a day from Coach Dayne, I'd be shocked if you didn't soon find yourself supercharged once again!

Anyway, it's helped me so much, I thought I'd offer this as a way to help you push past that roadblock of "feelings".