The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Day 58

My cat took a turn for the worst and she passed away this Friday morning. I seriously feel like I have a hole in my chest. I am not good company for anyone, and I am having a hard time keeping my thoughts from spiraling down into guilt and self loathing.

I miss my cat. It is such a simple statement, and to some I am sure it is incredibly innocuous. I can not believe that I will never see her again. I feel like I let her down. All I see is her face and her gigantic bright eyes, full of trust. All I feel is lost. I dream about her, and I see her everywhere I look. I haven't let her go I guess. I feel like I lost a person, I did lose my best friend.

For the past three weeks she was all I thought about. I was so distracted by her and my feelings over her that I was not very kind or loving to myself. I didn't post here, and I didn't stay afloat very long.

Since Friday when she passed though, I have felt a little release, which I feel guilty for. I have been out walking (timers set for 30 minutes) Sunday and tonight and I went to the gym tonight after. I worked out a little too much though and made myself sick.

Here I am trying to pull myself back together again. Am I so fragile? Sometimes I think so, but then I know I can get it together. I just have to woman up, and refocus my goals. I have to think about me, and how I feel and how I want to feel. I have to stop worrying about perfect.

It's time for the big girl panties.

5 comments:

Judy said...

So, so sorry you are going through this hurt.
Be kind to yourself... don't pressure yourself so much as you're grieving the loss of your fur-baby. Take one little step at a time again. Don't over do it... and don't beat yourself up anymore, okay?
*hugs*

Band Geek said...

Gosh, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Our pets really become family and friends, and moving on is so very hard.

Rettakat said...

Yes, every single thing Judy said. Very wise advice.

Ruby, I totally understand. A couple of years ago when I lost my Dusty, who was 16, I was so torn up. I did several posts on her. I let it out. I grieved the loss of my little friend.

Don't feel bad for your grief! If it would make you feel better, talk about her here. Show pictures. Remember her. Talk about your feelings. Believe me, there are many many of us who understand.

Here's a post I did honoring Dusty:http://lorettasjourney.blogspot.com/2010/04/day-242-things-i-learned-from-cat.html

I'd love to read more of your memories about your best friend, if that is something that you'd like to do.

{{{hugs}}}

Scarlet Simple said...

Thanks so much to everyone for their kind words.

I'm trying to get everything back into a place where I can handle it right now.

I feel like my entire life is this stack of important and delicate things that I am holding in my hands, but that they are on fire and I can't put them out. I feel like I'm wringing ashes so to speak.

Retta, thanks so much for reminding me of the post about Dusty. It made me cry again, and I feel like I'm not being so ridiculous with my grief now.

Thanks guys.

Anonymous said...

Don't beat yourself up. Lots of times, our 4 legged companions are the best friends we'll ever have. What a beautiful cat!