My cat took a turn for the worst and she passed away this Friday morning. I seriously feel like I have a hole in my chest. I am not good company for anyone, and I am having a hard time keeping my thoughts from spiraling down into guilt and self loathing.
I miss my cat. It is such a simple statement, and to some I am sure it is incredibly innocuous. I can not believe that I will never see her again. I feel like I let her down. All I see is her face and her gigantic bright eyes, full of trust. All I feel is lost. I dream about her, and I see her everywhere I look. I haven't let her go I guess. I feel like I lost a person, I did lose my best friend.
For the past three weeks she was all I thought about. I was so distracted by her and my feelings over her that I was not very kind or loving to myself. I didn't post here, and I didn't stay afloat very long.
Since Friday when she passed though, I have felt a little release, which I feel guilty for. I have been out walking (timers set for 30 minutes) Sunday and tonight and I went to the gym tonight after. I worked out a little too much though and made myself sick.
Here I am trying to pull myself back together again. Am I so fragile? Sometimes I think so, but then I know I can get it together. I just have to woman up, and refocus my goals. I have to think about me, and how I feel and how I want to feel. I have to stop worrying about perfect.
It's time for the big girl panties.
1 year ago