Day 59

I have better pictures of Blue, but not without scanning them in. In this photo she has followed me to the bathroom and is waiting for me outside the door. I have a lot of memories I want to share, but even the happy ones feel sad to me now.

A year after my grandmother died, my grandfathers very old (22 in human years) Siamese cat passed away. My grandfather was pretty devastated. When I heard my neighbor had found two kittens, I went to look at them, thinking maybe he might need to love something else in order to get beyond the loss. My neighbors son had been playing in an alley near my house when he heard mewing coming from inside a dumpster. Of course, being a little boy he jumped in. He found two tabby kittens inside a plastic grocery bag. Someone had literally just thrown them away. Thinking about that now, and how much I love both cats, let alone just Blue makes me so angry at people in general that I can hardly speak about the subject.

(From left: Tippy, Pedro, Yod, Blue)

I brought one of the kittens, who later became Blue, down to my grandfather, who told me he didn't want any more cats. He wasn't ready. I was sad. I held this tiny kitten with the white paws for almost an hour before I took her back to my neighbor.

The next day while I was at work, my brother and the neighbors son brought both kittens down to my grandfather who decided he couldn't let them be separated. He took them both.

From that point on Blue was my cat. I got the other two when the men working the warehouse at my moms job found a pallet full of kittens. The mother didn't show up so my mom started giving away kittens. She was left with two which she mistakenly brought home and allowed me to fall in love with (that took all of two minutes). My grandfather named them all. These are my original four cats. I rescued for a few years and now I have too many but these four cats make up my core group, and the ones I am the closest to. Even among them Blue was still special. I feel guilty saying it because I love them all so much but honestly? I will never ever meet another cat that I have that level of connection to. I loved her so much.

These past few days have been so hard. I never realized just how comforting she was just by being here in the house. I find myself reminded of her almost everywhere I look. Particularly when I look at her sister.

I went on a 30 minute walk (timed) with a couple of friends today, and then after a break we went to the gym. I skipped the extra 15 minutes of cardio because I was sick afterwards yesterday, but I did some stretches and worked on the strength machines.

Thanks for listening to me. I feel so stupid when I talk about her to other people. I get the feeling no one wants to listen or they think I'm strange. I'm probably just projecting my insecurities though. Good night.