I can't stop trying just because I've failed.

I'm not making resolutions. They are too freaking easy to break, and I need something that lasts longer than a fad.

So I have gone back to the gym, and I think I am going to keep going back. It's harder this time in a different way. I weigh the same or more than I did last time, but I'm still in a lot better shape this time. How is that even possible? The last time I was at this weight I couldn't do the tread mill for more than 10 minutes on the lowest settings without needing to stop, no exaggeration. Now I am still doing the elliptical for 30 minutes or more. I'm wondering if its giving me the same work out it did before. I am also back to strength training. My muscles hurt, but its nice to feel that way again.

My food is still crap. But I am working that out too. I need to be eating more fruits and veggies again but I have been so lazy! I don't know where this streak the last few months came from but good lord! So I have been writing down all of my thoughts and my plans. I am going back to Weight Watchers the week after Comcon (after next weekend). I will be using their system (meetings and online service) to track my progress again. I will also being using Sparkpeople as a resource this time too.

I am also going to teach myself some stretches (already started) which I did not do last time, AND (this kind of makes me excited) I am going to learn some yoga for fat people. I feel silly saying it like that, but it is what it is. I am fat, and while I don't want to stay that way I am not ashamed of myself. I don't know the right word for how I feel about my failure this last time. I seriously felt like the moon, stars, planets/whatever lined up to help me make that happen. Failing was hard. Harder than all the work I put into losing so much weight in the first place. Maybe I should try and remember that.

I'm not sure what to do about the emotional stuff. I will deal with what I can. I wouldn't mind seeing someone, but I can not afford it right now (or it seems ever, but I know that things can change and this will be a good year for us if we can just get through the property taxes). So right now, I am going to leave this topic laying where it is. I can't help but talk about it, because it's all intertwined into how I feel from day to day or how I handle things, but until something changes I am working with what I have.

One thing I took away from the last time was the experience of myself. I learned a lot about myself. Combined with the past two years, I know more about who I am and who I don't want to be than I ever have before.

So, one foot in front of the other. Life doesn't start over, it just continues.