Day 305, 306, 307

This is me yesterday at the mall (its a complete mile around on the inside, which makes exercise really awesome!). I wear a size 22 pants now, but the girls (ahem, boobs) keep me from wearing a size 22 top. I'm still in a 26/28 top! That makes it really hard to ever, ever find a dress, not to mention that I have to wear a bra with straps. No ifs, ands, or buts. Otherwise the girls are a spectacle. Well, yesterday we were browsing in dressbarn and I decided to try this dress on. I just knew it wasn't going to fit (it was a 22) but it was so pretty. It fit! Not perfectly, but still, if I had the money and I would wear it more than once before suddenly being a size 20 or 18 then I might have bought it. I have never owned a dress I actually liked. I used to just buy the one (usually there was only one in the store) that fit for whatever occasion I was dressing for. My friend Nadine told me to twist to the side and not do yet another dead on front facing photo.

Weigh in was today and I lost 6.4 pounds in the last two weeks. There was no meeting last Sunday because of the holiday. I think 6.4 pounds is really kick butt! I am now 5.4lbs from 100 lost, and 24.2lbs from weighing under 300.

You guys are getting this post early because I want to hang out with my husband until bedtime with no interruptions. I will come back and update with my food though. I am going to spend some extra points tonight on some special ice cream!

For Retta (Because I loved your post, and your photo. I took this a few days ago and when I saw yours I knew I needed to post it): This is my Lola.

Day 298

Being active isn't the same thing as working out. I know that. We all know that. I was active today, very active. In fact I just finally sat down in my living room to relax for the first time tonight. I did not go to the gym today. I meant to. Have you ever had a day like that? All is not lost though! I still have the reigns! I accomplished a lot today and it made me feel good, and I didn't sit on my butt all day.

I have another long day tomorrow loaded with pitfalls. A family cook out! I plan to spend most of the day in the swimming pool. My aunt's house is also located in a beautiful neighborhood, I might take a walk/jog while over there. These family things usually last all day long and a walk will take my mind off of all of the food and provide some motivation to get me through the day.

I posted some before and after pictures last night on my side bar (I'm slowly going to clean the side bar up and hopefully make it more useful!) but I want to post these two here as well.

This was me in March of 2009 on a swamp tour of the bayou in Louisiana. At this point in time I did not know I weighed over 400lbs because I hadn't weighed myself in a very long time. I have a very hard time recognizing this person. I remember the pain and how I cried walking back to the hotel from the French Quarter. It wasn't all bad though. I remember feeling brave afterward. I remember being so afraid of getting on the river boat. I was afraid I would rock it hard enough for people to really notice. I didn't though and it ended up being one of my favorite parts of the trip.

This was taken last night because I wanted something to compare it to. It was kind of shocking. Pictures are so revealing even when we can look in the mirror and see the evidence pictures are somehow better. Up until last night when I looked in the mirror I saw the person in the first picture...and now? Now I'm not sure I recognize her. She was miserable. She was looking for ways to make herself feel happy and normal that didn't involve losing weight. She was trying to become a mother. She couldn't have chased after a child, She could hardly tie her shoes. I could hardly tie my shoes. I could not walk. I cried sometimes at night when I thought about whether or not I would be here in the morning. I couldn't shave my legs...because I couldn't reach all of the way around them. I would constantly ask my husband, "How can you love me?" I'm not being dramatic. I wondered because I didn't love me, I had no idea what loving myself would entail. I didn't wonder what was possible...because I knew intrinsically that nothing was. I knew without asking that at the weight I was at, deduced by just how miserable I felt mentally and physically, that I was shortening my life by what could be as much as several decades. I think I actually went through the stages of grief on that one. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then Acceptance. Only when I got to acceptance something happened.

I decided to live, and in the course of this journey have discovered how to love myself, and how to cope. I have discovered what it means to really be alive. That girl on the river boat? She was viewing life through a dirty window. I'm going outside. I can walk several miles at a pretty normal pace, no tears. I'm tying my shoes and shaving my legs because I can reach every single inch of my body. I don't wake up with pain anymore! I don't worry about dying in my sleep anymore and I can't even begin to count the possibilities I have to look forward to.

What are you looking forward to? Non scale goals!

Today:
2 ww lf waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1/2 sandwich from subway: 5
w mayo: 1
w cheese: 1
1 bite of moms hot dog: 1
1 serving baked lays: 3
1 serving taco soup: 3
1 serving corn bread: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 2
1 serving roasted pork chops: 4
1 serving stuffing: 3
1 serving corn on the cob: 2
1/2 bag popcorn: 2
1/2 serving craisins: 1
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 pork chop: 4
1 cup homemade hot chocolate: 4
38/38 + 6/28

Day 291

I cried at a clothing store today.

I've been kind of emotional all day even though it was a perfectly lovely day. I needed to go out and get a new charger for my laptop (And it was 85 bucks! For a charger. Gah!), and so I decided to stop into a clothing store that I haven't visited in quite a while. The reason being that clothing shopping has never been fun for me. I was between a size 32 and a size 34. Nothing fit me correctly and those seemed to be the sizes that were always gone first anyway. Secondly I have been losing weight so I haven't really wanted to invest much money into clothes I will only wear for a month or three. So recently I bought a pair of shorts from Wal-Mart in a size 26 and so in the clothing store I was picking up size 26 only not thinking about the fact that my shorts are getting a little lose. I tried them on, and realized that I could get them on and off without unbuttoning them, so I asked my friend to bring me a size 24. She brought me a size 22, and it fit, really well. I have never in my life worn a 22. I went right from size 20 to 24 when I was very young. So I was pleasantly shocked, and I cried. Then I bought two pairs of shorts for 55 percent off!

Today:
2 ww ff waffles: 2
1 serving reduced calorie syrup: 2
Sushi lunch:
14 pieces assorted sushi (estimate using calorie king and WW online): 15
3 pieces gyoza: 3
1 baked potato w/cheese: 7
1 small chili: 4
1/2 serving leftover dinner: 6
1 ff wrap: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
38/38

Have you been inspired to tears in your journey before?

Day 289

Someone noticed!!

I was at the gym today getting back on the elliptical for my second 30 minutes and this woman tapped me on the shoulder and told me that I looked great and that she had been coming to the YMCA as long as I had and she wished she was as motivated as me. I "Phsawwed" and told her I was just trying to get back to going regularly (which I have been, yay!) and that I had been seeing her there and she was also doing a great job. I'm excited though, it feels good to have someone that doesn't love you say that you are looking good. The thing is...I'm noticing too. I know before I couldn't see it so well, but like I said, suddenly I have edges. AND CURVES. I have a shape that isn't quite so round. My clothes are looking better on me too. I am very motivated right now.

Tentatively I am going to the gym tomorrow also to help a friend with her kids in the pool. I'm planning to get there early and get in some extra cardio. I mean I know I said three days, but any extra is good. I'm driving there I might as well get on the machine.

Since this post is early my points aren't all finished yet.

Today:
1 flatout wrap: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/4 cup rice: 1
1 serving roasted red pepper: 0
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving light mayo: 2
1 serving light honey mustard: 2
1 pudding: 1
1 banana: 2
1 cup rice: 4
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1/2 cup peas: 1
2 servings soy sauce: 1
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving whole wheat pasta: 3
1 serving sauce: 3
1 flatout wrap: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/4 cup rice: 1
1 serving roasted red pepper: 0
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving light mayo: 2
1 serving light honey mustard: 2
1 pudding: 1
1 banana: 2
1 cup rice: 4
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1/2 cup peas: 1
2 servings soy sauce: 1
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving whole wheat pasta: 3
1 serving sauce: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
2nd serving dinner: 8
1 serving icecream: 3
1 waffle with 1/4th serving of pb and 1/2 serving jam: 3
38/38 + 4/35

Wow! I was actually quite hungry tonight.

Day 286

Sorry this is late!

I went to my meeting yesterday and saw a loss of 4.4 lbs, putting me at my lowest weight thus far: 328.2. I am 10.4lbs from 100lbs lost. Its funny because when I saw the numbers I didn't notice how close I was to 100, I noticed the .4lbs from 90lbs lost first. I'm so used to little goals I guess. Its also hard to imagine 100 pounds lost when just to think about it in the moment I still feel like the same person. 89.6 pounds is a lot though. I feel like it isn't enough because of how far I have left to go (and yes it feels daunting sometimes). I'm not being fair to myself though. 89.6 means everything. It has meant walking, and smaller clothing sizes. It has meant my life. I am so ready for 100 lost.

I don't know if this is an NSV or not but after weigh in I was sitting in the car and I noticed a lump on my leg, down by my ankle. So I reach down to feel it and it was my ankle. I have bones now! I'm noticing a lot of things like that. I feel things on my body now that I'm not used to and it can be a bit unnerving but I think its because I have no idea what my body is supposed to be like. Suddenly I'm not just round and soft, I'm developing edges!

Sunday is grocery day as well as weigh in day and I didn't use my points well. We were out of the house all day. I need to work on my weekends.

Today:
1 whole turkey sub: 11
w cheese: 2
w mayo: 2
1 serving baked lays: 3
1 yogurt: 2
2 servings bubble up pizza casserole: 15
1 serving low fat ice cream: 3
38/38

Day 250

Two hundred and fifty days. That is a long time for me. It is the longest I've ever kept at loosing weight before in my life. As a reward I'm given the most weight I've ever lost before, and a whole boatload of non scale victories such as: walking without pain. I wont say I've spent 250 days on plan. That would not be true, and at this point while I do not think its impossible to do, I do think its an awfully high bar to set for someone who really wants to get through the day/week/month/year. If it broke my stride to have an off day every once in a while I would not be here typing this right now. I would have given up a long time ago. I want everyone to remember that. Remember that goals are things to aspire to, and not be defeated by. Tony posted that May was a bad month for dieters, and while I don't know as much he may well be right. We do tend to lose focus and drive when we realize that things are not progressing as quickly or as well as we want them to. I will give you the one thing I know (I think, don't be mad at me for making this statement!) works for every dieter I know: Keep going. Do not stop for missteps or mistakes or for days off. Keep going even when you really really don't want to. Never stop telling yourself that you are on a diet (or whatever you want to call it) because the moment you do you are setting yourself up for quitting.

I know I keep pushing the above point, but it really is what is making the difference to me right now. It is what separates this journey from all of the other little walks I've taken toward the same outcome.

I realized another NSV today! My husband bought me a pair of jeans (that I wanted so badly) two years ago from a certain store for Christmas. They are a size 26, cut very small. I have been wearing some 26's for a while and unable to get these pants up over my thighs. Tonight while getting dressed to go out I tried them on again and not only do they fit, I can take them off without unbuttoning them!

Tomorrow is weigh in and I am finally dragging a friend to the meeting! Wish me luck!

Day 249

This is me at the gym today.

That's right ladies and gentlemen! I went to the gym today, while the monthly slasher was here! I did my cardio and my full circuit. I wear sweat pants and a long sleeved t-shirt to the gym. People look at me like I'm nuts sometimes, especially right now because it was so hot in Baltimore today. I don't wear the long sleeves to cover up so much. I have worn tank tops to the gym before, I'm just more comfortable in these clothes. Why am I talking about this you ask? Because today I realized that I needed new gym pants (which conveniently I didn't think to get into the picture). I stole these from my younger brother a few years ago because they were so comfortable, but they were also so tight. There were days I would have trouble getting them on. These days if I put anything at all in my pockets they are liable to fall off of me. I know, I shouldn't be complaining, but I love these stupid pants. Though honestly nothing really fits me correctly anymore. You know that bra I bought just a few months ago? Too big. All of my underwear? Too big.

This is another NSV and its totally personal, but it is so relevant and it made me stop in shock today while I was washing my body in the shower. I can now reach every single part of my body. The whole thing. I can reach every inch with my soapy rag for the first time in many, many years. Isn't that worth skipping the drive thru? Lets keep them going? I can now get out of bed on the first try, with little to no pain at all. I fit in most (if not all) seat belts in cars now, I no longer have to explain to friends that I need the front seat because I am too fat to sit in the back. The seat belt thing? That was a big one on my list. I fit in movie theatre seats again!

So far so good. I have been sticking to my guns, and since Wednesday my food has been killer. All of my veggies are in and my points are back under control. I'm feeling pretty confident again.

I know a bunch of new people are reading now, and so welcome! If I do not have your blog listed on the side and you want it there, comment here with your blog and I will add you! We can all use the support.

Oh, and by the way: HP fixed my laptop for free, I am posting this with my lovely machine right now!

Day 217

I am not feeling so well today. I have my (TMI ALERT) period. It is always like this. I had a great week last week and I am back on track, and now I get to face down this week of a lot less exercise (if any, it just has to be that way or I'll drive myself nuts with destroyed clothes and fatigue). Life always happens so I guess to succeed we have to work with it, and not against it. I did not go to the gym today, but I'm not ruling it out for tomorrow. I want to go. I feel different for having not gone, and I know I'd have felt better had I been able to go. If it wasn't for embarrassing myself I might have gone anyway. I am re reading this paragraph and I see that it seems down, but it isn't! I feel fine today. I also have some good stuff to talk about...

My measurements! The last measurements I have written down are from October, but I know I took them a month later, I just cant find them. After that however I had not taken any measurements until last night. I was thinking that with how slow the weight loss was being that I ought to look at my inches and I am so glad I did! I lost 8 3/4 inches on my hips, 4 1/4 inches on my waist, 6 1/4 inches on my bust, and 8 inches off of my underbust! There were more inches lost on my thighs, neck, and arms, but those above are the real confidence boosters. The only thing that worries me is my calf looks like it gained 1/2 an inch. I probably measured differently or something.

Spring Challenge Check in!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I rocked it this week! I was awesome!
2. Same as above, I think I might have come up one or two short on a day or two but I have to eat nine servings a day!
3. I went to my meeting and lost weight! Proof that I am on the right track again. Next week I go back with walking shoes!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 11 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I can write really well sometimes...or rather I used to. I haven't written in years. It used to be a dream of mine to write a novel. Something in the realm of urban fantasy, which is my favorite to read. People would tell me I was great, but I would always give up. I know this is going to sound strange, but being fat/obese made me feel dumb. I know that carbs in excess can make us "foggy" but I felt like a dull butter knife. I couldn't get out the words that I wanted to say in conversation or on paper. I'm starting to feel better, and I'm feeling antsy like maybe I should get back to writing again. I don't know what holds me back, but I bet its related to this journey! Everything else is!

Today:
1 serving bran flakes: 2
1/2 serving cheerios: 1
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 serving chicken tikka w/rice: 7
1 1/2 serving bean soup: 6
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 tbsp ranch: 1
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 enchilada: 8
1 1/2 cup corn: 3
1/2 enchilada: 4
1 tbsp ff sour cream: 1
1 fruit bar: 1
39/41

I got in all of my veggies again today! I had something else planned for dinner but when I looked at my food log I knew I needed something much heavier in veggies. My enchiladas pack 2 servings of fruits and veggies per serving, so I switched gears from Indian cuisine to Mexican/Texmex. I'm kinda proud of myself for that too. I saw the need and adapted to fill it.

Day 191

So this was me back in October of last year, just one month into dieting. I don't really have a picture of myself right now in the same clothes because I didn't think of it, and I was a little busy today. So you get a picture of me mid cleaning my house in one of my gym shirts and a paid of size 26 jeans (that I love). I cant the pictures where I want them so the 1st column of pictures are the most recent ones. Please ignore my picture hogging pets! I love them!

It has been so hard for me to see the loss so far, and looking at these pictures now I cant see it either (it could be the scale) but today when I put these jeans on and looked into the mirror in the living room I thought "My GOD I look different." It is so subtle. Its like someone changed the lighting in the room over night and suddenly WHAM the carpet is green. The gray shirt I am wearing is also a nice tell tale sign for me. I don't have the pictures to prove it but when I first bought it over a year ago I had to stretch it out before I could wear it. Now, it feels comfortable and not constricting. I feel like I'm falling in love with myself, which feels strange and narcissistic. And someone please tell me what part of being fat makes you feel guilty about liking something about yourself! If I feel like I look good I feel bad about it, or that I should somehow not show that I feel good about myself. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of appreciating my own self image and I'm afraid someone or something will knock me off my feet, and well if that's the case isn't it safer to sit at the bottom? NO! I think I will probably be knocked off of my feet several times before this is over and I do not think I would ever give back one second of feeling good about myself. That feeling, even just for fleeting instants is something I have been craving for my entire life. It's more than physical. It's a whole feeling. I look good on the outside because I am finally taking care of the inside. I'm pretty sure that something like that is worth fighting for.

In other news, I am waiting, with baited breath for this week to be over so that I can get back to normalcy...and wear clothes I'm not afraid of destroying.

Today:
1/2 cup mashed potatoes: 2
1 barbie cup: 6
1/2 cup steamed broccoli: 0
1 banana: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1/3 serving lunch meat: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving mustard: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1/6 of bubble up pizza casserole: 10
1 serving french fries (baked): 2
1 tbsp ranch: 1
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1/3 of a slice of dinner (struggling for a satisfying idea): 3
1 pudding cup: 1
41/41

Eating is currently the enemy as it makes me need to use the bathroom, and using the bathroom is..unpleasant. /TMI

Day 188

So I have this really horrible/funny story. You remember yesterday when I said that no matter what I wouldn't miss my meeting? Yeah. So my husband works a lot, and his social life suffers. He really only has one friend who isn't also my friend. Well, he and that friend got together yesterday to play video games. My husband stayed out until after 6am. Yes, after 6am. Now, I do not begrudge him his fun time, but when he came home at 6am he wanted to be "helpful" so he reset my alarm clock...which then never went off. To say that I was full of seething, angry rage would not do the moment when I woke up justice.

I know they are just meetings, but when I miss them I feel like I am falling behind, or not doing as well as I could be. I also love the support and the people there. I love sitting in a room full of other people struggling just as hard as I am to get to a similar goal. I would switch meetings to a more convenient time (we are a late shift family) but I love the connection with this group!

In any case I got up, got dressed and weighed myself this morning: 341.4. That's a loss of 5.8 from the last time I went to WW! I am currently lighter than I have been in years. This makes my total loss so far: 76.4lbs. So despite struggling with the gym, and stress and moving I am still parading down diet lane. I am seriously proud of myself. Even my new clothes are fitting very loosely!

I am supposed to go back to the gym tomorrow, but my monthly slasher flick is here in a bad way. I have a plan, but I'm not going to kick myself over not being able to hack a full circuit or cardio if I can't. I have pain and nausea today, but they aren't usually what keeps me from the gym...if you know what I mean.

Today was grocery day, and game night (at a friends house), so I will not be posting my recipe for Pizza Meatloaf Pie tonight, but I promise to get it done tomorrow! It was incredibly tasty!

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 serving sun chips: 4
1 subway sub: 12
1 serving dark chocolate: 3
1 serving pizza meatloaf pie: 9
1 serving green beans: 0
1/2 serving ranch: 1
a handful of almonds: 1
1 bag popcorn: 5
38/41

I do plan to use some of my extra points tonight. I was feeling fairly sick earlier, and now I feel starved! It's the monthly I think...

Day 186

Tonight we went back to karaoke because we were asked to (EJ doesn't usually work on Fridays, and was nervous about the new crowd). I actually had a lot of fun, less singing, more hanging out. The couple (Rhonda and Rob) that usually run karaoke were there and Rhonda told me that I looked so different that her husband didn't realize I was there the night before. I was so flabbergasted that all I could get out was "Thank you!"

Now I know, and I'm sure you do too, that my journey has not been without its breakdowns and flat tires. I know that and sometimes it kills me to think that I am not perfect, but you know what? I am not perfect. I am so proud of what I have accomplished and so grateful for having the guts to do this. I can not imagine the human being I would be right now if I had continued gaining weight at 417.8lbs. In just 70lbs my self image has changed so greatly that I found myself thinking that I was attractive tonight in the mirror at the karaoke bar.

The weight loss its self has slowed down, but so many other things are happening. I am discovering that there is more to life than this! I can actually have off days and move on. Diet parade is no longer the change, its the norm! I can see over that fortress wall now. I stand amazed in a place I never thought I'd be: Recovering from the damage that I'd wrought on my own body, mind and heart. I know all of this is mushy and mental, but I have to tell you that if you are reading this and you are trying to lose weight coming from a desperate size you need to work through your mind too. I have never gotten so far before, and I know it is because my mind and heart weren't really in it. You hear people allude to that all of the time, but you never realize what it really feels like to be changing on the whole until you just are.

There are no videos from tonight, but I do finally have a video of just me singing from last night. The camera that was used isn't as good as mine is in a dark room, so you can't see me! Sorry! But you can hear me just fine. I was a little nervous as I hadn't even heard this song in almost a year...



Today:
6oz leftover pasta: 6
1 small serving pasta sauce: 3
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1 can soup: 7
1 yogurt: 2
1 cup hot chocolate: 4
2 servings beef and potato casserole (plus one point for the extra serving): 13
1 serving ww cheese: 2
39/41

I got a lot closer tonight, but I had to double up on dinner to do it. Also, I know it doesn't seem like it but I had 6 servings of vegetables today. Slowly but surely getting back.

Day 174

Getting to the good stuff first and foremost: I lost a point! Today I weighed 347.2! Making my total weight loss 70.6lbs! I started at 44 WW points (which is the highest they go, I measured out to 48 points) and I am now down to 41! Who knew having to eat less would feel like a NSV? I am so glad to have finally gotten below 350lbs! I felt like it was taking forever, but lets be honest, that was because I avoided weighing myself for two weeks!

So now, lets talk about that February goal. My goal, made on December 27th of '09 was to lose 25lbs by today's weigh-in. I did not meet my goal. I am exactly 9lbs short. But, um, I cant help but not be unhappy about that. 9lbs short means I lost 16.4 lbs. January was a bad month for me, I was so very depressed and down and just generally lagging behind the parade over here. In the whole month of January I lost a total of 2 lbs. I was afraid for a while there that I was going to give up, but I didn't, and here I am. I am 3.8lbs away from being lighter than I have been in probably over 10 years, and now, only 48.2lbs from 299. I don't know that my weight loss will always be this phenomenal (to me at least), and I am prepared for that eventuality, but I'm grateful for the rate of progress I am having.

I said I was going to make some new goals once I weighed in so here they are: Long term (no set date): 299lbs. Short term: 20lbs by May 2nd, which is another 9 weigh ins away. I don't think that this is an unrealistic goal, but it is a touch over 2lbs a week at 2.22 per week. At that rate it will take me 4 months (or 21 weeks) to get to 299.

That is all good news, but something bad did happen to me last night at Target that I forgot to talk about. Though I suppose forgetting about it even for a moment has to mean there has been some healing. My husband and I were in an isle with another family, some kids, and a husband and wife. I didn't even notice at first because quite honestly it has been a while since it happened or since I've noticed it happening but the kids, two teenage boys were making fun of me, loudly. I froze for a minute thinking that perhaps I was wrong, and then not knowing what to do. There is my husband talking about shower curtains obviously not hearing what is going on (though he was quite upset about it when I told him) and I was doing everything I could not to just burst into tears. So I left the isle and pretended to need to look at something else until I thought they were gone. First of all, this whole episode make me feel incredibly weak. I feel like I should have stood up for myself, but to who? Two hoodlums toddling along after their parents in a Target? Their parents maybe? I have a little bit of a temper when I get upset and I'm not sure that I could have handled any sort of confrontation correctly. I thought about all of that before leaving the isle. It makes me feel feeble like I said, but I think I made the only choice that wouldn't have left me feeling ridiculous. I also think that had I been by myself I would not have left the isle at all, but Chad was there, and I was so afraid he would hear them. I was afraid, if only for a moment, that he would be embarrassed by me, or ashamed of me. That, folks would honestly be all she wrote, I would be done. He is not ashamed of me, or embarrassed by me, and I feel kind of guilty for ever thinking it. In a single moment of weakness, in a single moment I almost let two nasty kids bend my self image out of shape again. I'm more than that, and if my husband knows it, shouldn't I? The lesson I think I am learning is something that my mother tried teaching me early on: No one can take anything away from you unless you let them. I was made fun of in a Target, less than 12 hours before making 70.6lbs lost. I still win.

After the meeting today I had a 60th birthday party brunch to attend, there was a lot of food there but I didn't do badly, and I even managed to share a slice of the birthday cake instead of eating a whole piece myself. I don't know the exact points for everything I ate, but I can list it off: 3 mini (the size of a silver dollar) mushroom and onion tarts, 1 brie and cheese tart (same size), some fresh fruit, a mini (deck of cards sized) egg salad sandwich, 1/2 of a mini (same size) ham sandwich, 1 chicken tender, and 2/5 of a slice of chocolate cake (Which was so good, I am so glad I was able to set that down!). I'm calling it 20 points, but I'm honestly not sure. I had 34 weekly points left though so even if I am wrong I think I'm okay.

I have so much to do this week (moving, packing, fixing the place we are moving to), my hopeful goal is to get to the gym 3 times, but I am going to aim for 4.

Today:
1 pack 100 calorie pretzels: 2
Alex's Mom's Birthday party: 20
4 oz spaghetti: 3
1 cup homemade veggie sauce: 3
1 slice cheese: 1
1 cup homemade vegetable chili: 4
1 slice cheese: 1
1 bag popcorn: 5
1 piece chocolate: 1
1 coffee with skim milk: 2
1 serving sw baked ziti: 6
48/41

Which leaves me with 27 extra points until Tuesday, which I think is so not bad. Good night!

P.S. I know I have been given some awards, and that I haven't gotten to them. Please don't feel as though I don't want them, or appreciate them, I just haven't gotten to posting them yet. Thank you so much for supporting me in all of this!

Day 173

There was no gym today but I was on my feet until a short while ago. We spent the day out, walking through stores so I did get a bit of (a weak) a work out.

This is a short post because I have my meeting bright and early tomorrow morning and I don't want to have any excuses as to why I cant go.

We ate out today with my mom, and honestly I didn't think I did that badly but the points values of one thing in particular shocked me. We ate at Outback today as we haven't been out in a good while and life has been so stressful we just wanted to get away. We took my mom to lunch too.

Today:
Some of a bloomin' onion (probably less than 1/3, but I figured I would count it high to be sure): 12
2/3 of a 9oz sirloin: 6
1 baked yam with butter: 13?? (GOOD LORD! I know the website calculates brown sugar on top, which I didn't get but seriously? There could not possibly have been more than a tbsp of butter on there. I'm counting the points as the website showed them though.)
side of steamed broccoli: 0
low fat chocolate milk: 8
1 serving sunchips: 4
43/42

My food was awful today, but being one point over doesn't bother me at all, especially when I haven't gone over my points or used any of my allotted extras in a while. I think that tomorrow I will show a loss, but I'm not sure that I will show one worthy of the time spent away from my meetings. I deserve every second of that though, and I'm back on track now. Here is to hoping for the best! I am really looking forward to being done with moving and getting back to a regular existence and not having to worry about moving for a while. It is completely doing me in emotionally!

Edit: I almost forgot to mention my NSV! I fit into a size 26 pants on Thursday night! WOOT! I am down from almost a 34! I need to take my measurements soon!

Day 133

I was thinking about this journey a lot today. I think perhaps I am falling back in love with it. I never stopped needing it or wanting it, but I did stop enjoying it for a while. I need to remember how much I have gained on the path that I am taking. I have lost 57.4lbs. If I manage to lose 60.5 more pounds I will officially be under 300lbs for the first time in such a long time that I honestly do not remember it. I have been 350+ for so long. I honestly never ever thought I would ever be over 400lbs, but then I also never thought I would lose this weight and I know I am going to do that. I'm trying not to day dream too hard because I dont want to become impatient. I also know that losing weight wont solve every problem I am ever going to have but it would be nice to be in better shape to face them.

Things are happening! I am pretty officially a size 28. Not just in 1 or 2 stores, but in most of them. I can walk 2.6 miles in an hour or less, before I couldn't walk for 15 minutes without needing a solid break. My back doesn't hurt as much, my legs almost never hurt anymore, I can breathe and I don't swell like I used to. This doesn't even cover the positive influence on my self image. I look in the mirror these days and I don't feel as much like a troll. I even bought make up for perhaps the 3rd time in my entire life the other day...and I wore it instead of tossing it into a drawer for fear of drawing attention to myself. I actually found clothes in a store that I thought looked good on me. I found myself wanting to look in the body length mirror at the store, and when we left I didn't feel worthless! I felt amazing. Oh, and the best yet? I can hold my laptop on my lap finally! If I get results like this at 360lbs I cant blame myself for wondering how I will feel at 299.9!

It was cardio only today at the gym and I did my full hour, though I found myself wondering if I could have done 90 minutes. If time and crowd allows, I may try tomorrow. So my current cardio for the week is 120/240. I again did not bring those weights down, but again I haven't really watched any television. I also still need to do my wall pushups and leg lifts tonight. I managed to do my pushups last night but by the time I went upstairs I had forgotten about my leg lifts. I will be doing those tonight as well.

Today:
1 cup bran cereal: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 oz beef roast: 2
1/2 cup potatoes: 2
1/2 cup carrots: 0
1/2 cup peas 1
1 serving stirfry no rice: 4
1 serving homemade pulled bbq chicken (roommate recipe): 4
1 bun: 4
1 slice light cheese: 1
1 serving sriacha: 0
1/2 serving light ranch: 1
1 cup mashed yams: 4
1 ww frozen meal: 6
1 serving fit active cracker crisps: 2
1/2 serving bbq sauce: 1
To be eaten soon:
1/2 cup ice cream: 2
1/2 cup blue berries: 1
1 banana: 2
40/43

So far I have eaten 5 servings of veggies today. I am going to have some fruit before bed though, which should bring my total to 7. I think I have done pretty well today!

Day 100

Today is Day 100! I am now celebrating the strongest commitment to weight loss that I have ever made. I made my first weight loss post here in August of this year. I called it Day Zero. I felt inspired by other bloggers and needed a support group that wasn't so involved in my day to day life. I had been hopeless, I had given up. I said I felt like a sapling planted in red clay. My body wasn't responding to any of my needs let alone wants. I couldn't aspire to anything. I was depleted of spirit. Even when I was trying, an off day was enough to make me give up. I think I had just finally had it. I needed a break from the mentality I was in, and I needed to find something that would make me want to hold on for dear life through those stumbles that I knew were going to come around eventually. Day 1 didn't happen until a month later when on a whim I decided to try Weight Watchers with my room mates. It was a golden opportunity, as it is very hard to be the only person dieting in a house of 6 people. By day 2 I knew I wanted to go to actual meetings. I struggled a bit at first with some of the new techniques involved with WW but eventually found that the program really works for me. I started exercising and before the 1st week was out, I had made it to the gym.

I found myself being incredibly honest about myself and some of the very personal aspects of weighing 417lbs, and instead of being embarrassed I found myself enlightened. My sense of self started to change and with it so did some of the aspects of this journey to lose 252lbs. I started feeling that sense of hope as the pounds and inches started coming off and the non scale victories came to the surface. Is everything easy now? No, but I am building habits that are making it easier to cope with and easier to succeed. The biggest change is that more than ever before, I actually want to make it to maintenance.

By the end of week two I had suffered a terrible loss. My grandfather who essentially raised me, passed away very suddenly. I actually do not know how I found the strength to contend with this journey, and that loss at the same time. I felt, and still feel very broken by it, and there is a part of me that I'm sure always will. I did continue though. By Sunday December 6th I had lost 44.2lbs, in just 13 weeks (Not counting the week before I started meetings when I didn't know what I weighed, and not counting this week as it was a different scale.). I have gone from someone who should have been in a size 34 to someone who can now take off their size 28's without unbuttoning them. I have gone from the woman on the bench to the woman coming in from behind. I'm still the underdog, but it's my show now! I feel better, and I feel different, and I feel like I am on the right path. I made a goal of 20-25 lbs lost by January 1st of this year and depending on this Sunday coming I really believe I am going to make it, on that day I won't celebrate with food though, as I have so often in the past. No, I am going to celebrate by setting another short term goal.

I know this is all long and disorganized but the over all journey has been an education to say the least. I am learning things about myself and the people around me. I'm learning that the world is different when you are losing weight or have lost weight. I've learned that I'm not worthless, or ugly even though sometimes I still struggle with wanting to believe that I believe because it's easier. I'm learning that self control and moderation are in fact well woven with the core meaning of learning to love myself. I have learned that my current limitations are temporary, and that I can beat them. I am learning that I don't need anyone else to do this with me. I gained 252 pounds all by myself, and while company along the way is welcome and even wished for I am learning that not having that isn't a reason to give up. I have learned that even just a little loss is enough, and that a mistep isnt failure and no reason to jump ship. I will win the whole war this time, mark my words. Even if I from here on out the battles become prolonged, I'm going to kick ass out there on the field in every single one. I am learning what it takes to actually be free, and the thing that makes me want to hold on for dear life through even the worst of times? Me.

I'm celebrating today, but the real deal comes tomorrow. I made it to the milestone, now back to the grind. The parade moves on!

Today has been better. I did get more points in, and healthier points I believe. I also tried making dinner. Thank goodness a roommate was around. Not only is my stomach still in painful revolt, but the smell of the food was bringing me pretty close to wretching. Tomorrow the goal is, get up, try it again, and laundry. I'd like to get to the gym, but I'm pretty sure that I really hurt my stomach muscles (as they are so very sore, sleeping on my belly was NOT an option until this afternoon) with coughing and mostly with trying so very frantically to pass that trapped gas on Saturday and Sunday. I'm trying to keep it light and easy right now. I'm getting better finally thought! I'm so excited I could cry for joy!

Today:
1 large salad (spinach, broc, caulif, pickles, carrots, 1/2 egg, jalapenos, bell peppers, chick peas, tomatoes, salad top, and 1 serving light ranch): 5
1 can soup: 7
1 serving light american cheese: 2
1 serving ched rice crisps: 2
1 1/2 cups cooked spaghetti: 6
1 cup homemade sauce: 6
Later smaller serving:
1 cup spaghetti: 4
1/2 cup sauce: 3
1 serving light american cheese: 2
1 yogurt: 2
Total for the Day: 39/43!

I'm only 4 off despite another bad stomach day!

Day 99

So this should be the last of the early in the evening posts. I'm getting the havoc that being sick brought onto my sleeping schedule taken care of. Hopefully today was the last of the completely horrible days.

I woke up this morning with hives on my face. Yep. I am allergic to the meds I was prescribed. So a few hours later I had new meds and more nausea. My stomach discomfort is one of the last actually debilitating things I am facing here. I'm having a hard time getting my points in (and higher point foods are what gave me my trapped gas in the first place I believe so I'm being gentle with those right now) and now my room mate is getting sick so there are no cooks in my house!

Tomorrow though I am going to get my butt up regardless and make dinner. I'm going to try a homemade spaghetti sauce. Nothing gourmet, but I forgot to buy some so...

I hope none of you think that I am happy about how I lost weight this week. I was jokingly looking for a silver lining when I said that there was always a bright side, but Retta is correct. What a hard way to earn it. I would much rather feel better and be able to get up and get some cardio in. I would love to be able to eat all of my points and not feel the need to sit next to the toilet all night. So no, I am not happy about how I lost weight, but am I happy that I did? You betcha.

Here is to a normal day at some point soon!

Today:
1 foot long turkey breast sub from subway (eaten at 3 different times during the day. I knew I wasn't going to be up to making myself food throughout the day so I got something when I was out this morning picking up my new meds. I think it was a smart move.): 10
w/cheese: 2
w/ light mayo: 2
1 baked potato w cheese: 7
1 serving bbq chicken: 13
1 serving ice cream: 3
Total for the Day: 37/43

I'm getting better! I might make it to 43 tonight. Hopefully tomorrow I can start eating more regularly with better choices.

Oh, and I had an NSV today. I am so used to taking my pants off without unbuttoning them anymore because they are way too big for me. After doing that today, I realized I was wearing my size 28's!

Day 88

Today was again, so much better than Wednesday and before. I didn't have a car, and my mom who usually goes with me was out of town so I didn't go to the gym. I did however exercise. I walked 2 miles tonight in under an hour, and half of it was uphill. I am so incredibly proud of myself right now. I did so well! Tomorrow night I will try to do something more. I haven't used the weight bench yet, it sort of intimidates me*. I'm not too worried, I should be getting back to the gym and the weight circuit when my mom is back, on Wednesday. Until then I feel pretty good about what I am accomplishing. I weigh 374lbs and I walked 2 miles uphill, flat, and down hill, in under an hour. I think I might call that an NSV because honestly 6 months ago I'd have flat outf said no to a walk like that and whats more...I wouldn't have made it.

Something I do think that I need to get under control though are my eating habits. Not my points. I stay within my points so I'm not actually doing anything wrong. I don't eat enough during the day and end up having too many points at night after dinner. Now, this hasn't really been a forever problem, mostly in the last week or so, and I just haven't taken steps to correct it yet. So starting tomorrow I'm going to try and get more points in during the day. Normally I eat 5 or 6 times a day, recently I have been eating 3 or 4 times a day. I'm also going to get back to eating oatmeal or something more breakfasty in the mornings. I'm still good on the rest of my rules. I don't eat after 2am, and I don't eat after 11 on Saturdays etc.

All of that being said I am not looking forward to Sunday's weigh in. I know, I never am. I feel like I haven't been as diligent about my points this week. I don't feel that I have gone over or past my points, but I have this feeling I'm going to see one of three things: a slight loss, a maintain, or a gain. Ah well, no one goes though life without any lemons.

*Just a clarification: When I say that the weight bench intimidates me I only mean that I'm not quite sure how to utilize it. I lift weights all of the time at the gym but using the weight machines and not free weights. The weight bench in my basement is all free weights. No worries!

Today:
1 can soup: 5
2 thin slices light american cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice cakes: 2
1 bag frozen mixed veggies(this is how I have been getting in my veggies this week!): 0
1/2 of an orange: 1
1 serving soy sauce: 1
1 serving black bean sauce: 1
1 1/2 cups brown rice: 6
HUGE serving spinach: 0
1 serving fat free cheese: 1
1 serving salad topper: 1
1 serving light ranch: 2
1 ww quesadilla: 4
1/3 cup ww cheese: 2
1 baked potato (large): 7
2 slices light american cheese: 2
1 cup light chili: 4
1 ww frozen meal: 4
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 1/35

Again, way, way too much cheese. Gotta lay off!

Day 83

I lost 3.6 lbs this week! That brings my total to 43.6lbs lost and runs me right past my 10% goal! I have also already lost 16.2 of the 20-25lbs that I said I wanted to lose by January 1st 2010 (see Day: 48). My new short term goal is to lose 24.2 lbs which will put me at 350 lbs. Right now I weigh 374.2.

Currently I have lost more weight than ever before on any diet.

I am making this post early so that I can have some time with my husband tonight. I've had a pretty bad day. I was moody and tired and I spend much of the day picking nonsensical fights with my husband. After my meeting I came home and went to bed having only eaten a WW mini bar because I was just being a total tyrant and I needed to chill out. I woke up around 4 and went to the movies with friends so my first full meal was popcorn. Yeah I know. Oh, and the other reason that I had a horrible day is somewhat personal. I have a skin condition under my breasts and sometimes they get really dry underneath and today the skin sort of tore or abraded. God, but that is one of the most painful things. It has happened before, so I can deal with it, but it has been fueling my bad mood for most of the day. That kind of thing also drives me so hard to lose weight. Its so uncomfortable. If the girls (boobs) don't shrink a little then I might go ahead and have a breast reduction when I am through the weight loss portion of the journey. I need the area under them to have the time and air flow to heal once and for all. This particular issue effects my self image so dramatically. I feel unclean and ugly. I can not wait for it to be gone! I can not wait to not want to cry every single time I put on a bra.

There is just so much to look forward to, so many things that I cant think of them all just sitting here. Already things have gotten easier. I can reach places on my body that were almost impossible before, and movie theater seats aren't quite as uncomfortable anymore. Those are only the most recent. Every week or so I get some new discovery. I love it, and it keeps me motivated. I want more, and honestly I need more. I need this in my life, proving to me constantly that it's worth the struggle. All of my life, my emotions and all of the shame and pain I have felt for so long are going to add up to a drive, self worth and will that were forged from steel. Eventually perhaps I'll be able to thread that steel further into my life. I truly believe that this journey is going to make me a better person, and not just on the outside. Each brick that I remove from my fortress provides more illumination into exactly who I am, and who I could be.

Today:
1 ww mini bar: 1
popcorn without butter at the movie theatre: 10pts
2 cups cooked pasta (shells): 7
2 servings pasta sauce: 3
3 oz chicken breast cooked and 1 oz sausage cooked: 5
1 small piece garlic bread: 4
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving meat sauce: 6
1 serving cheese: 2
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 serving ice cream: 2
Total for the Day: 42/44

WW online says I still have 44 points, I have to lose 4.2 more lbs before I can lose a daily point! Is it sad that I am actually excited about that?

Day 76

So today was mixed! I weighed in today and lost 4lbs exactly! 1 pound shy of my goal for the week, but I still think that I did really well. This brings my total loss to 40lbs and my current weight is: 377.8. I promised new progress pictures at 40lbs, but I am so tired tonight, I will get them done in the morning.

Another NSV! I was going to dinner at Chad's aunt's house, and I could not for the life of me find anything I felt confident wearing. On a whim I decided to pull out the pants I bought back in March before going to New Orleans. I had been shopping for the trip, but had found the awesome pants on sale. When they didn't fit (they were 28s, not stretchy and I was almost in a 34) I bought them anyway. I told myself that as soon as the trip was over I was going to work to fit into those pants. It took my a while...but I got into them today! They arent tight either, they fit pretty perfectly! I'm pretty happy about that. I feel like it was a positive day.

Then the food. So today we finally let go of one of my grandfathers largest belongings today. The hospital bed. That was really hard, and I didn't see it coming. I have been concentrating so hard on making sure that my mother was ready and okay with it leaving (we gave it to a friend whose grandmother is in great need of it) that I never stopped to prepare myself to watch it go. Afterward the family who received the bed treated us to lunch...at the Golden Corral. That's right, twice in two days. No excuses, I didn't do too badly, and I got a ton of veggies in. Dinner at Aunt in law's house was pot roast, roasted potatoes and carrots, and steamed green beans. Not too bad right? His aunt has multiple sclerosis, and its advanced enough that her hands shake badly and she cant walk, but the woman baked a lemon cake from scratch. Yeah, I caved to guilt food. I don't feel too bad about it because I only had a small slice and there wasn't much icing, it was drizzled. Still my choices for the day could have been better.

Last night I was thinking about the last thing that my grandfather said to me before he died. I was there to pick my brother up, and he asked me when I was going to get around to having kids. Not in those exact words, but it still sliced right into me. I was irritated at the time and I left with him knowing it I'm sure. This is a two fold issue. I'm incredibly sad that I never had a chance to say anything else, but I'm equally if not more crushed that I never got to show him a great grandchild. He knows I love him. One more opportunity lost, one more door closed by my weight and how hopeless I felt. I feel like I have this period of my life that has just been stolen from me, but nothing was stolen I was just trapped! I was lost within that trap. I have been trying all of my life to find that magic reason or motivator that would be the difference between me failing and me making it and the missing piece of the puzzle was me. I was reading about another blogger who also feels like he has changed so much. I feel like if I could have read this a year ago I'd have laughed out loud in my own face. I did not feel like losing weight was a possibility for me anymore, I didn't want anything anymore. Now, with so much lost I feel like I need to hold on that much tighter to the things I could still have. I feel like I have options again, though I have to admit that in the first two weeks I had some serious doubts about this going anywhere. I am still amazed every single week at every single weigh in and with every NSV and good choice. I'm so proud of myself and I feel so awake inside. I feel real hope here, even though it still scares the size 28 pants off of me to feel hope at all.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 egg: 2
2 oz skillet steak: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
Huge serving spinach: 0
2 beat slices: 0
carrots: 0
1 green bell pepper ring: 0
broccoli: 0
cauliflower: 0
1/2 egg: 1
1/4th cup cheddar cheese: 2
pickles: 0
3 tbsp ranch: 4
1 serving meat loaf: 3
1/2 baked yam: 2
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0
1 serving steamed cauliflower: 0
1 serving steamed carrots: 0
1 serving bourbon chicken: 3
1/2 cup mashed potatoes: 3
1/2th cup (literally just a taste) corn bread stuffing: 4
1 serving habanero shrimp: 4
1 serving beef pot roast: 6
1 serving roasted potatoes and carrots: 4
1 serving steamed green beans: 0
1 slice lemon cake (argh): 5
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 3/35

Yeah I used 3 extra points tonight. I'm not really upset about it. Part of this is learning how to be good to yourself right? I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff when everything else is going smoothly.

Day 70

I did it! Day one down. I went to the gym, I did an hour of cardio (2.46 miles), and I completed my circuit (I even asked the trainer to show me a new machine). I did not use any extra points today either. The sunlight thing didn't go so well. Our schedule is bad for it to begin with, we don't even wake up until noon every day. I ended up distracted and when I looked up the afternoon sun was gone. Tomorrow is another day and it is still my goal to get some more sun this week before it starts raining again on Thursday.

I tried to quiet my mind down a bit before going into the gym, and I was unsuccessful. I was the last person into the gym though. I just needed a moment to myself to get my head where it needed to be. I was preparing myself to meet a set goal, and steeling my resolve. In the gym while I was doing my 2nd half hour on the treadmill I started to think about the journey and my progress so far. I know that I have so far to go, but I feel like I have come so far. The difference in the way I feel is so distinct. When I look in the mirror I can not see the difference that everyone else can, I just cant. However, when I'm walking and I realize that after 30 minutes I'm not winded, or gasping for air and coming up with excuses for why I can just stop now because 10 minutes was good enough it hits me. I'm different and I'm changing. My body is responding and I'm actually losing weight. It hit me tonight when I got into my Mothers car and put on my seat belt with no struggle at all. I'm embarrassed when I go to the gym in a bra that doesn't fit me, but I remember then too. It doesn't fit me because I have lost inches off of my under bust, and bust. Inches that several months ago I was convinced would never be lost. This is hard to share but my walk is different too. I realized tonight at the gym, why my toe was hurting. I might have cried a little over this. It (the toe) may be sprained, but I'm starting to walk on the actual bottom of my left foot. I know that sounds strange but I've noticed that I put a lot of my weight on the outside of my left foot, and now, I'm starting to walk correctly. Not with every foot fall, but maybe 1 in every 5 or 6. There is just so much, and its so overwhelming. Its happy, and its beautiful, and desperate, honest and ugly all at the same time. Its slow going, and cautious. Its smooth sailing and then suddenly there are potholes and construction going on. Despite never wanting to come back to this place (417.8lbs), I have a feeling I will be revisiting these roads in my memories for years to come. I know I have said it before but this is the single most difficult task I have ever faced. I'm grappling with my weight and myself. It can be an exhausting and exhilarating battle. I feel like I'm untangling myself from my little fortress.

Today:
1 banana: 2
1 ww frozen meal: 5
1 can soup: 5
1 slice cheese: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving ranch rice cakes: 2
1/2 cup light egg nog (ohhhh the craving): 3
1 serving ww orange chicken: 5
1/2 cup brown rice: 2
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0
1 bagel: 2
1/4th cup pizza sauce: 1
1/4th cup cheese: 2
Extra serving orange chicken: 6
1 cup rice: 5
Total for the Day: 44/44