Day 330

So I know I have been gone long enough to scare some of you, but I have never meant to be away so long. Was I struggling this entire time? Oh yeah, right up until today in fact. However the week that I made that last post was the beginning of a very busy time for me. I know I spoke about Otakon to you guys before and how I run the Art Show there once a year. I've told you all how hard the work there was. Well, this year it wasn't as hard, but I pushed myself harder because of it. My feet were already hurting so badly by Friday night that I could not walk without shoes on! I got there on Wednesday afternoon and left for home on Monday afternoon, and I am finally feeling better today. I am crazy excited that I was able to run around so much more and do so much more of the physical work myself!

Now that is where I have been, but my struggle? It started a while ago. I've been struggling on and off all year now and I'm not sure how to turn it off. I feel like my motivation is just as strong as ever, and I am never going to give up but I seem to have trouble getting my nose back down to the grind stone here. I stopped myself tonight and started questioning myself. Why am I stalling myself? Why am I going out of my way to comfort myself with food when I know even before I do it that I will pay for it emotionally and physically later? I hurt myself and then I hurt myself for hurting myself.

I can't answer these things yet. As far into my journey as I have come and I still can not answer some of the simple why's that everyone else can. This doesn't make me feel shame, but maybe a little bit of fear. I wonder if I will ever get back into the habit without so many slips and falls if I am never able to identify all of the triggers?

We all have these moments...the ones where we question our motives and even our provable progress. I found myself wondering if I even wanted the things I want as bad as I say I do if I cant even stick to this for longer than a week or two without a misstep! But that isn't what this is about is it? It isnt about the roller coaster ride, the size 8, or even the kids I am desperate to have. It is about me winning a battle over control of myself and my destiny. I have a path before me and it's rough. People talk about weight loss in so many ways. Everyone has an opinion about how its done and how hard or easy it is. I think in some ways we decide our own difficulty levels, but I also think that most of us aren't aware of that, and that even if we are we are still capable of catching ourselves unaware.

I'm sure I have set myself back a bit over the last week or two, but I'm not ready to call it quits yet. Like I said before, I wont fail until I decide to. And while I thought long and hard about that this week I know I'm not done yet. Someone commented on my weight loss at con this year and I looked and my husband and I could see just how proud he was of me and then I felt shame. I felt it because I know I can do better than this...and so I will.

Regular updates back tomorrow. Thanks for believing in me guys.

Day 311

Today was exhausting! We (being my friends and their kids) went to the local fireman's carnival. We walked for around 4 hours and on the way home I carried the 3 year old (not the whole way) on my shoulders. That kid kicked my butt! I was sweating so hard my shirt was starting to get soaked!

It was a good day and I made really good choices. Here I am at the end of the night having gotten a pretty good work out and I am 4 points under even though I went to a carnival! I didn't ride any rides though about half way through the night I realized I could have ridden a few. That was nice. I am making progress. I will be able to ride rides soon! Comfortably I think... Maybe by 260lbs? I would love to be able to ride with my husband!

Today:
1 (smaller) serving pot roast: 4
1 serving roasted potatoes: 2
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1 tsp olive oil: 1
1 tbso brown sugar: 1
soy sauce: 1
1 serving strawberries (1 1/2 cups): 1
1 yogurt: 2
1 cup water melon: 1
1 hot dog (regular from carnival): 5
w/ bun: 3
1/2 small order french fries: 5
1/2 sub from subway: 5
w/cheese: 1
w/mayo: 1
1 green giant frozen broccoli and cheese for one: 0
Edited to add:
1 lf tortilla: 1
1/2 fresh tomato: 0
1 serving ff cheddar: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
37/38

Day 299

Today was a long day in which I ate a little too much, got a little exercise (swimming and walking), and ended up chapped on my upper thighs.

The food...it wasn't the volume of food consumed so much as the fact that there are never ever any healthy options at my family get-togethers. Even the fruit salad has sugar in it!

Not to mention as a side note pertaining to self discovery-I realized today that I eat to avoid conversation sometimes when I am overwhelmed. I am the youngest granddaughter of the youngest sister (we are very matriarchal) in my whole family. Everyone knows me and has always known me. Not to mention I was named after the original matriarch of our family. You would think that that should make me more comfortable, but it doesn't. I feel like sometimes people expect something of me...particularly when I get asked repeatedly throughout the day when I'm going to have kids and how Chad and I should start practicing now. Its all meant in good fun and I take it as such, but I didn't realize how much stress I was getting from it until today when I was scarfing down a regular hot dog. These are not excuses, just a minor epiphany at the cook out today that was strong enough to make me give up my dessert. I am learning new things about myself all of the time these days.

I have a rather large family reunion coming up in August and I have decided to bring a healthy option myself. Usually I get requests for things I personally shouldn't eat, but that everyone else loves. I might still do one of those as I don't have much of an issue eating things that I have cooked a million times, but I am most certainly also doing a healthy dish. My aunt tried though, I just didn't know about it until after I ate it. She cooked some burgers with pineapple (which I love love love on burgers) that were all made from ground turkey. That was a nice surprise.



I am joining Deb's Freedom Challenge on Monday. I need to figure out some manageable goals to go into this challenge with. It is a much shorter challenge but I want to be successful. I need to work on my consistency and my readiness.

I got home late so the post is a little short tonight you guys. I will be back tomorrow with positive reports!

Today:
1 serving taco soup: 7
w corn bread: 3
w 1 serving cheese: 2
1 pudding cup: 1
1 burger no bun: 4
w 1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 slice pineapple: 0
1 serving buffalo chicken dip: 4
1 serving chips: 4
1 regular hot dog: 5
w regular roll: 3
3 oz lean steak: 5
a few bits from a dessert plate: 10
38/38+ 11/22

Day 295

Today was the day of my physical. I was actually pretty nervous. My experiences with doctors have not all been good. Everything came out pretty well except for two things. My TSH is high (which means my thyroid is low, and my triglycerides are high at 277. All of my other cholesterol levels were very good. My glucose is perfect, my kidneys and liver are great etc. She said I might be a little iron deficient but that because I have such a heavy period that it could be the cause. Also, my blood pressure is great.

She wants to do more blood work in 3 months. She said that the triglycerides could be explained because of my weight loss and my body trying to break down the fat, but it still worries me. When I got home and did a little research I also learned that my particular brand of birth control can also cause a spike in triglycerides. Either way I'm nervous. She said that if it didn't come down we might talk about medication, but honestly I might try going off of the pill first. Hopefully it wont come to either of those things. She wants me to try fish oil and limiting my fat and sugar more. I'm not actually looking forward to that. Yes, that was effectively a groan on my part. I don't want to struggle anymore, it really kills my motivation. I'm not actually saying I will struggle, only that I'm afraid. Not afraid of failing, just of losing my stride again.

I also cant afford my prescriptions (4 new ones for skin issues), plus I need to pay my gynecologist what I owe her in order for me to be able to get more birth control. Argh. It just never ends does it? I am ready for a break now! Maybe I'll buy a lottery ticket.

Can I have a really big awesome plus side? I weighed in at the doctors office (cant avoid that one), and that scale read 325lbs. I'm not counting on it, but it would be nice right?

All in all it was actually a really good appointment and I am relived that I am no where near having diabetes and that all traces of high blood pressure (from when I was a teen) are gone. I am also thankful that everything else is good.

I think I am doing a pretty good job guys.

I think that despite my journeys pit falls I have really been succeeding. I'm not whining but sometimes it really feels like the deck has been kind of stacked against me lately. Oh, and I know there is no deck and that everything isn't actively working against me. Sometimes I just feel that way. We all do I think. It's just time to push it all back and deal rationally. I'm not going to lose track this time. It's my life, and I'm not willing to waste it wondering what if!

I went to the gym today, but since its an in between day for me I decided to do some swimming instead of cardio. I thought it would be relaxing since I tend to get so stressed when I don't need to. It was not relaxing. Somehow the YMCA messed up their schedule and there were too many people trying to use the pool for too many different things. I was kicked in the face by a man who was swimming with his head and torso under water and feet out. I let it go. Then his daughter asked him to stop because he was splashing everyone else in the face. He said: "I don't care, they all deserve to be splashed." I am not joking. I just got out. I had been swimming for 45 minutes so it wasn't the hour and half I wanted, but it was enough and I needed to be near a less stressful group of people.

Today:

2 ww waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
2 cups chopped broccoli: 0
1 cup sliced peppers: 0
1 tbsp teryake sauce: 1
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 serving salsa: 0
1 orange: 1
1 sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving beef and veggie stew: 5
24/38

I will add the rest of my points after I use them!

Retta gave me an award! The I Love Your Blog award!

Here are "The Rules":
1. Thank the person that gave it to you.
2. Write 10 things that you love.
3. Pass this award on to 10 other bloggers.

1. My husband.
2. My cats.
3. My family.
4. My friends.
5. A quiet night at home alone.
6. My dogs.
7. Gummy bears.
8. Raspberry Iced Tea.
9. Singing.
10. Being able to see the stars at night.

Retta broke the rules and so I am too. I am not passing this on to any one person! The ability to share things about yourself belongs to everyone and honestly? I love too many blogs to pick just a few. Take this and share it with your friends too.

Day 283

Sorry for this being so late! There was no gym today, as really its a Thursday and normally we go to karaoke. Tonight though I went with some friends to record some videos of me singing. I am going to submit some videos for the youtube America's Got Talent contest. I know my chances are slim, but I'd regret it if I never tried. We recored two songs tonight but it took forever since we were learning how all of the equipment works and such. I'm going back tomorrow night to get a few more done. Then I will choose the best of the lot! I'll post whatever I don't use here, and give you guys links to the ones I do so that you can vote!

In any case I missed dinner tonight and snacks and by the time I got home I just wanted easy so: more leftovers. I did alright though. I did not go over my points!

Today
1 serving veggies (mostly corn):1
1 enchilada: 8
1 serving chicken, tomato, and potato stew: 9
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving enchilada: 8
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving lunch meat: 2
1 serving mustard: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/3 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
38/38

Day 258

Do you ever get tired of telling every one that you are having a bad time of it? I certainly do. I feel this intense need to tell everyone about this week because I really feel shaken a little bit. Okay, maybe more than that. You know how when you are doing something as life changing as losing weight you sometimes learn some things about yourself. Sometimes they hurt, but sometimes they are also helpful. I'm not sure how much I should dwell on this past week. I know I let myself lose my footing pretty bad this week. I'm going to talk about it

A close friend of mine recently discovered that she was pregnant, and I kinda broke down. It isn't anyones fault, especially not hers. I know that I am on the right path, and that I am doing this the way that I need to. Its just really hard to wait, and work so hard and not know what the outcome is going to be. I can't control fate/God/mother nature. I can only control my actions, and my choices. I just never expect this particular issue to hit me so hard. It knocked the wind out of me. I felt and still feel a little like I am grieving for something. It isn't all bad to be so sorely tried though. You learn your strengths.

My cat being sick is stressing me the most right now. He has a blockage in his urinary tract, This is only the 2nd time it has ever happened, and the first time was over 5 years ago. The first time it happened it was pretty bad. I took him to the emergency vet in the middle of the night and for a few days they wouldn't tell me if he was going to live or not. They kept him for 9 days that time. This time though my regular vet says the prognosis is good, and that hopefully I will be able to take him home by Monday. The money is stressing me out here too, but I would make the same choice over and over.

The rest of it, the cars the possible bed bugs, the stolen bank card and my husbands absolutely last minute trip out of state are just things that either keep me up at night (bedbugs) or make me really really frustrated, and sometimes (I'm not so ashamed to say) angry.

I had a really great Saturday though. A friend of mine wanted to go to the zoo for her birthday. It was the Baltimore Zoo and not the DC Zoo (which is much bigger), but I walked the whole think with friends, and kept up without getting winded or to tired or pained. I was so proud of myself that I could have exploded into shards of sunshine. My reward? A sunburn!

I did not go to my meeting as there was no one to take me. I could have asked a friend, but this is the same friend who is dealing with just finding out she is pregnant and who took me grocery shopping. I just didn't want to impose too much.

Today is another day, and the journey goes on. Hopefully I wont being dragging behind this week! Hopefully tomorrow something will give...like getting my cat back and some of the constant stress I am feeling will lift. So don't worry too much about me. After all these years there isn't any "give up" left in me for this. All I've got left is "go".

Now it is 4:30am and I am still waiting for my husband to get home. See you tomorrow.

Day 254 - 257

I just wanted to make a quick update to say sorry for the absence and that I'd be back to explain it all tomorrow. I have had a very very bad week life wise (Things I will be talking about tomorrow: Mom in California, my car broken down, Mom's car with suspended tags, husband in Connecticut very last minute, possible freaking bed bugs (which is keeping me awake all night long), someone stealing my bank card, a pregnant friend bringing forth (not her fault) some very strong feelings of grief and my cat taking a turn for the worst. If I get to take him home on Monday it will cost me at least $700, more if he needs to stay later, which means no vacation for us which was planned for a little more than a week from now.. All in one week. I tell you, I am so emotionally and mentally exhausted right now that I feel like I might finally sleep tonight. ) and my whole journey has suffered for it. Again, my motto is always never give up, and so I wont. I promise.

Day 251, 252, 253

I lost two lbs this week bringing my total loss so far to 88.8 lbs!

This weekend someone very close to me received some life changing (in a good way) news, and I have been a touch preoccupied since then. Plus my cat is very sick (the one who tried to kill my laptop), and I'm a bit depressed about that. Actually this week so far, with the exception of the weight loss and the fact that my husband took a few days off to be with me, has sucked. I feel a little withdrawn. I'm working on it though.

I was supposed to start a zumba class tonight with some friends but I didn't get home from the vet until it was too late. Oh well though, I will get to go as classes go on pretty constantly, and its really great because it is pay as you go and only 5 bucks per class!

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I am getting back to it! I went to the gym twice despite this being a slasher week.
2. I again am getting better but I'm still a work in progress.
3. I went to my meeting!
4. Totally checking in right now! (late sorry!)
5. 8 (?) weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I like that I am still growing up. I like that sometimes it occurs to me that something I've just done or said or thought is more adult than I expected. It's nice to surprise yourself because honestly? I'm 27, and I still feel 23, or even 18. There are vast differences in experience and lifestyle but I'm still me. The adult moments are nice though. They even consist of making good choices in food and exercise, as the 18 year old me would have quit and gone for chinese months ago. This past weekend I let my self be tested sorely, and while I gave a little, I didn't give up. Life goes on, and I'm growing to go with it.

My husband and I have done some talking too and we both think we are way too lax on Sundays after weigh in. We are letting too much go, and it is stressing me out. So we are both recommitting to the quest, which really just consists of tightening our reigns...

Day 246, 247, 248

So after sending my laptop to HP I received a link to my order status, that not only said that my malfunction was out of warranty, but that the repair was going to cost me $398. Ouch. We cant afford that. Last night however I received a link from them again to the same page which provided a link to the tracking number for my "repaired" product, and the repair cost? Zero dollars. Wonder what is coming back to me in that Fed-Ex box? Seems a little too good to be true right? And all of this because my cat decided to urinate on my laptop. Oh yes, the litter pans were clean, and there is nothing wrong with him. He just decided that at that precise moment, it was imperative to wreck momma's day.

So I was given a reprieve Monday when the monthly slasher should have started, and I went to the gym. Tuesday it started, and that was pretty much that. Its pretty bad today also, but I think (please keep your fingers crossed) that it is lightening up. I washed my gym clothes today and hopefully with all sorts of back up I will be able to go tomorrow. I don't know that I will be brave enough to sit on any of the circuit machines, but I should be able to do cardio. I know I promised myself that I wouldn't stress over the gym when the slasher was visiting, but I don't want to slow down again, or lose any of my progress on getting back into the habit.

My food was not so great on Monday and Tuesday which probably had a lot to do with my birthday, but I got it straightened out by Wednesday and despite all of that I have gotten in all of my veggies every day this week. Progress? I think so. I also had a completely meatless day yesterday, and with the exception of a light turkey hot dog with no bread today will be the same. Not really on purpose per say, just the way meal planning fell, and really I don't think that having a meatless day or two on occasion can really be harmful. I get plenty of other protein.

The other thing I am working on right now is my sleeping pattern! Argh. Its all over the place. I either sleep too much or too little. I really need to get into bed by midnight on Saturday nights, that way I'm not dead to the world on Sunday mornings. I also find that when I get 8-9 hours a night I lose more weight...

Tonight is karaoke night so I will be getting home late, which is why I included Day 248 in this post. Tomorrow night will be Day 249 and it should get its own post!

Sometimes I feel like I don't know what to say or that I've already said too much. I don't want my lack of finesse with words to overshadow the importance of whats going on here. I am losing weight. Not always in a straight downward avalanche, but it is coming off. I'm grateful for that. Of all the things to teach me some patience, I never thought it would be this. The key to getting to goal though, I realized as this journey started. Never give up, never start over. Just keep going, no matter how agonizing it is to accept the mistakes as your own.

Day 243

Alrighty, so I am working some things out. All of my recipes and meal plans and logs were on my laptop which is now in a FedEx box on its way to California. So I finally set up my desktop computer. I'd forgotten how nice it actually is. Since I got my laptop I haven't used it at all really. I need to set my meal plans up and back them up online so that if something like this happens again I wont be in the dark. I realized today that part of my issue with food this week has been that I don't have my laptop. I know that sounds strange, but normally I am so organized about my food. I realized today that I have only cooked once this week. Once. Normally I cook every single night. No wonder my food has been off. I hate that it is such simple things can wreck me. So now I am adapting. I set the bigger computer up, and while it isn't as portable (at all) I should burn some calories going up and down the stairs to use it.

I didn't go to the gym today, but I don't usually go on Saturdays. I'm okay with my week so far. I feel like I made a lot of really positive steps in the right direction. I'm still afraid to go to that meeting tomorrow. I feel like I am going to maintain. My food was bad this week, and tonight was my birthday celebration. I have to tell you though: I was really good. Did I have a few drinks? Yes, but only 2 1/3, and I checked the weight watchers points (4 points for a "sex on the beach") on them before I went. I had a single piece of cake. There were a few bites here and there, but nothing that should put me over the edge. I also stopped eating and drinking (except diet soda, its karaoke after all) after 11pm which is one of my oldest rules for Sunday.

I am so freaking proud of myself for all of the above. I do not want to go weigh in tomorrow morning, but I will. I will go knowing that coming back strong. I dont like feeling like it will be another maintain this week, but I have to be honest about that. I have to get it out there to cushion the blow if it does happen. Either way, I'll be okay. Maybe I'll even set a loss goal for next week.

*Also, now that I have a working computer again I will go back and read all of the blogs that I've missed! Sorry guys!

Day 233, 234

Okay guys. I am honestly struggling now. I am not "off the wagon" or anything but I am having a heck of a time "feeling it". I am discouraged because of my own actions and I cant seem to get my head out of the mud (or my butt honestly whichever you think seems more right).

I have had a strange week. I have been busy almost every day this week and unable to go to the gym, but its like I was telling my mom: "I'm feeling incredibly unmotivated and its like life just keeps throwing excuses at me!"

I don't really have any defense other than "something is quite obviously wrong" but even that sounds like a cop out. Something has been wrong for a long time and I've managed until recently! My mom used to tell me when I was younger and was neglecting something that I claimed to be important to me that it "Must not be important enough." That isn't true this time though. It is important. Its getting to me in a big way. I've come so far and I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a giant abyss about to jump of the edge.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm not ready to give up, and I don't want to give up. I need to get my priorities straight and get back to it. If only it we as easy as just telling myself to do it! Remember when I said I had a habit of sabotaging myself? I meant it, and I feel like what I need is constantly at odds with what I feel like I want at any given moment. Where is the self control and self discipline that I worked so hard at over these last 9 months? It certainly didn't all go to dust at that first stumble.

I will go to the gym tomorrow and I will lose more weight. I don't know what Sunday is going to be like at my weigh in and honestly for the first time in a while, I'm afraid to know. I'm not over my points and haven't been yet, but I wasn't last week either.

I feel at an end here in one way or another. I have to chose to move on and get moving or I am in essence choosing to fail. I will never choose to fail again, so that leaves one outcome. Please bear with me.

This Sunday I am going to sit through the new member portion of the meeting again. Back to basics has worked for me before, so its back to basics I go. I'm being honest here and putting myself out there. I'm telling you guys that the road has gotten hard for me because it helps me leave it behind. It also makes it easier to come back here. I have been dreading this, how to say that I am struggling again, but then maybe I'm just still struggling. Perhaps the whole thing is a struggle? I'm not sure, but I want to keep going the way I was, and leave this weight behind. The fact that I am struggling has been keeping me awake at night, tearing myself apart to find the broken pieces, and that is not healthy. It isn't what I want.

I used to feel guilty for doing so well when other people were struggling. Now I hope someone like me reads this and gets as far along as they can without looking back.

Tonight at karaoke I was getting a refill on my diet soda and this guy randomly comes up behind me and tells me to go with water and lemon. I'm like "okay, but I feel bad sitting here all night taking up room at the bar and drinking nothing." I don't drink very much soda at all. My soda days are Thursdays and generally only at night at karaoke. The rest of the time its crystal light and water. Then he says: "Diet soda is even worse then regular, you should drink water with lemon it will burn the calories right off of you." ...Now he was drunk, and I'm really good at just letting things go, and being rational. This guy has never met me before and doesn't know who I am or what I've done. I was okay then, but sitting here at home thinking about it makes me cry. It makes me feel like the same girl who was sitting in wal-mart wondering if this was the end of her world. It makes me feel like I haven't done anything yet. It makes me feel raw, and it makes me want to come here and get this off of my chest. I will never weigh over 400 lbs again, I do not care how long it takes me to get the rest of this weight off. I will never be that desperate, helpless and sad girl ever again. That dude can seriously stuff his "water with lemon."

Today:
1 banana: 2
1 cup coffee w/cream: 3
2 bites mac and cheese: 1
1 cup mixed veg: 1
1 serving enchilada: 9
1 banana: 2
2 servings ww mac: 7
1 serving spaghetti sauce: 1
1 100 cal pack: 1
AFTER KARAOKE (6 hours later):
2 servings pasta: 7
another serving sauce: 1
1 slice cheese: 1
36/40

I don't usually drink coffee but I was babysitting at an early hour (for me) this morning, and I needed it!

Day 232

I did not go to the gym today in order to take someone to visit a dying loved one. It wasn't planned, and honestly? You cant plan for those things.

I have an appointment in the evening tomorrow so my goal is to get to the gym in the early after noon and go to my appointment sweaty! Oh yeah. But I need to get there.

I started my self re-evaluations today. Number one: I am seriously stressing about something I haven't yet narrowed down. Yeah, I know I always stress, but it doesn't generally keep my from sleeping and recently I've found myself fighting old habits...like I somehow found myself standing in front of the fridge doors open, looking intently inside before I woke up. I used to do that when I was distracted by stress. Food would distract me from it. So I need a way to distract myself from this stress while it works itself out. Two: I seriously need to revisit measuring everything. I don't mean cups and such, I do that generally anyway, but I've gotten lax about the little measurements. Mayo, spices, sauces etc. They count too. And three: I need to go to the gym whether I feel like it or not. Yeah, sometimes life is going to get in the way, but I find myself making excuses more often than I'd like. It doesn't help that I have been feeling less than 100 percent for quite a while now. I feel like this is connected either to changing hormones or stress. Again, I do have a physical coming up. I really need to get to writing down all of the things I wanted to talk to my doctor about.

I also still need to get better about tracking consistently again. It helps me more than I can express and I definitely lose more when I do. No downside, so just do it Ruby!

Ah, the never ending emotional and physical spiral of a weight loss journey. I'm confident about making it to the finish line, but I have a feeling that I am going to be fighting my way there.

Sorry for the short post guys! I am exhausted!

Today:
1 1/2 servings chicken pot pie: 11
1 veg burger: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 bag frozen veggies turned into quick veggie curry: 5
1 serving chips: 4
1 banana: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving hamburger soup: 7
1 slice cheese: 1
1 fruit bar: 2
40/40 + 1/35

Day 220

So between my friend and my husband we managed 3 more cats tonight! I'm relieved. They hate taking pills and they fight so hard...also the pills as they disolve in the cats mouth, make them foam at the mouth! Not in a rabid sort of way or anything, just the pills make them drool if not swallowed quickly! They will get over it!

Tonight was karaoke night! It was great, we had a great time, again no drinking for me. I did break my rule tonight though, about eating after two...my points were only 12 before karaoke. So I ate dinner after, and had a snack to get me up a little higher. I worry only a little sometimes about throwing my body into starvation mode, but this doesn't happen a lot. I have a busy weekend coming up and if I can just keep my food really good (and by really good I do not mean eating less! I mean eating enough! You know, 41 points!) I know I will see a loss!

Also, I am toying with the idea of finding a band to sing with once I drop this weight. My confidence has already come so far...I mean, why not? I do love it so very much, and other people (not just friends so its not just out of love!) tell me I'm good. I think even if it went no where at all it would be a fun and worthwhile experience! Maybe that will inspire the courage in my to finally get my teeth worked on...it would be about time. Look at me! Lose a little weight and I'm all inspiration and courage. Pfft. Wish I could have seen that a few weeks ago when I was down in the dumps hiding my head in the mud!

Today:
1 serving cereal: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving white chicken chili: 9
1 cup grapes: 1
22/41

Day 219

Today was another slowish sort of day. The monthly slasher flick is still here in all its glory. I wasn't sedentary today though. I did a lot of chores around the house that I had been neglecting. I then spent 3 hours trying to get my cats to take a pill. Yeah, let me tell you, even the fattest of the spoiled rotten fluff balls will turn into a classically trained ninja on the occasion that they might need to take a pill. I have some new scars, and less than half of the little beasts are done! I tried tuna, I tried cream, I gave up for the night. We will resume this battle tomorrow night...so if anyone has any ideas...?

My food was good today, but a little strange there at the end which you will see. I made dinner and I was doing the dishes as it was finishing up. I then dried my hands and made my brother's plate-which I then accidentally flung to the floor. Ah yes, the ups and downs of only making enough food. If I make more than the 4 servings that should be eaten I'll have leftovers right? If I manage to not pick at them until they are gone, or just have a second serving. It's generally easier for me (minus the accidents) to make just enough, then there is no choice to make. I instead choose to make a habit of making only enough. So after salvaging what I could of my brothers serving, I opted to have half and give him the rest.

I'm sorry I'm so boring right now! I did do a bad thing though. I got on the scale this morning...I know I shouldn't have. I really should only weigh myself once a week on Sunday. It always throws me off, but I did it anyway. My scale shows me at 4lbs down since Sunday...which could mean nothing come Sunday, but it was a boost for sure!

Today:
1 serving brown pasta: 3
1 serving chicken: 4
1 serving cereal: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 tbsp ranch: 1
1 serving bean soup: 4
1/2 serving gnocchi florentine: 4
1/2 serving ww cheese: 1
25
1 serving chicken and sauce over wheat pasta: 7
1 100 cal pack: 1
most of a bag of popcorn: 4
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
41/41

I'm a little short on fruits and vegetables today, I barely made it to 7 servings. I meant to have some grapes but the cat thing stressed (not to mention I'm just going to be stressed out all week over not being able to really exercise...and yes I am working on letting it go!) me out and I went right for the nutella! Eek!

Day 217

I am not feeling so well today. I have my (TMI ALERT) period. It is always like this. I had a great week last week and I am back on track, and now I get to face down this week of a lot less exercise (if any, it just has to be that way or I'll drive myself nuts with destroyed clothes and fatigue). Life always happens so I guess to succeed we have to work with it, and not against it. I did not go to the gym today, but I'm not ruling it out for tomorrow. I want to go. I feel different for having not gone, and I know I'd have felt better had I been able to go. If it wasn't for embarrassing myself I might have gone anyway. I am re reading this paragraph and I see that it seems down, but it isn't! I feel fine today. I also have some good stuff to talk about...

My measurements! The last measurements I have written down are from October, but I know I took them a month later, I just cant find them. After that however I had not taken any measurements until last night. I was thinking that with how slow the weight loss was being that I ought to look at my inches and I am so glad I did! I lost 8 3/4 inches on my hips, 4 1/4 inches on my waist, 6 1/4 inches on my bust, and 8 inches off of my underbust! There were more inches lost on my thighs, neck, and arms, but those above are the real confidence boosters. The only thing that worries me is my calf looks like it gained 1/2 an inch. I probably measured differently or something.

Spring Challenge Check in!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I rocked it this week! I was awesome!
2. Same as above, I think I might have come up one or two short on a day or two but I have to eat nine servings a day!
3. I went to my meeting and lost weight! Proof that I am on the right track again. Next week I go back with walking shoes!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 11 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I can write really well sometimes...or rather I used to. I haven't written in years. It used to be a dream of mine to write a novel. Something in the realm of urban fantasy, which is my favorite to read. People would tell me I was great, but I would always give up. I know this is going to sound strange, but being fat/obese made me feel dumb. I know that carbs in excess can make us "foggy" but I felt like a dull butter knife. I couldn't get out the words that I wanted to say in conversation or on paper. I'm starting to feel better, and I'm feeling antsy like maybe I should get back to writing again. I don't know what holds me back, but I bet its related to this journey! Everything else is!

Today:
1 serving bran flakes: 2
1/2 serving cheerios: 1
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 serving chicken tikka w/rice: 7
1 1/2 serving bean soup: 6
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 tbsp ranch: 1
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 enchilada: 8
1 1/2 cup corn: 3
1/2 enchilada: 4
1 tbsp ff sour cream: 1
1 fruit bar: 1
39/41

I got in all of my veggies again today! I had something else planned for dinner but when I looked at my food log I knew I needed something much heavier in veggies. My enchiladas pack 2 servings of fruits and veggies per serving, so I switched gears from Indian cuisine to Mexican/Texmex. I'm kinda proud of myself for that too. I saw the need and adapted to fill it.

Day 213

Alright, so after today I have made a decision. I am not longer going to even try getting to the gym on Thursdays. If, by chance it happens, awesome! If not, oh well. I always end up super stressed on Thursdays with everything I need to do, and end up in a bad mood and late to karaoke...which I am not quitting. When you spend most of your days in the house something like karaoke night with the girls becomes quite important to you. I still want 5 days of exercise in though so I think what I am going to do is get some out of gym/at home exercise going on Thursdays and if I can get to the gym on a Saturday I will. The theme of the game here for me is: "Don't become so stressed and/or overwhelmed that you stumble again!" I got dressed for the gym today, left for the gym today with my mom (my only ride really as my car is very seriously not up to any extra driving beyond taking my husband to and from work) who then took us to Kohls. Yes, shopping. Can I call that being active? Right, I didn't think so. In any case she offered to buy me new gym shoes (which I now need so very desperately), but there was nothing on shelf in my size (11 wide - extra wide depending on the shoe, I have big feet.). She then spent an hour and a half shopping. I got home with less than an hour before karaoke started, and with dinner still needing to be made, and no gym having been had. Now, most weeks are not in fact her fault, but I'm done! I'm just going to adapt to the situation now.

Also Thursdays are notoriously hard on my food intake, as in I never eat enough on this day. The reason being: we are a late shift family. We usually have dinner between 10:30 and 11PM. Karaoke runs between 9pm and 2am. I stop eating at 2am, thus a pretty large chunk of my day is gone, and I can not eat bar food, and they do not allow in outside food. Also consider I usually go to the gym for 1-2 hours before karaoke, and I need about an hour to get ready to go to karaoke. Phew! Sometimes that's pretty stressful. This way I can use the bulk of my evening to fix and eat my dinner and get ready without too much stress.

Today:
1 serving cereal: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1 sub from subway: 12
1 serving Sunchips: 4
1 chicken and veg enchilada (home made, 2 servings of veg in each one): 6
1 serving corn: 1
2nd enchilada: 7
1 triple berry smoothie (three 1/2 cups of fruit in every serving): 4
1/2 bag popcorn: 2
39/41

So I had 10 servings of fruits and veggies today! And yes, I am counting the mega amounts of veg I make subway put on my sandwich, without I am still at 8 servings though, which is right about target! Actually I really think that today was one of the best Thursdays I have had in a while food wise.

Day 212

Adventures of the Killer Elliptical.

So today I finally figured out how to get the machine to accurately count my calories burned and give me an accurate resistance. I had to enter my weight. No brainer right? So I do that, and as I do I feel the resistance on the machine getting a lot more...resisty. At 40 resistance I was sweating so hard in less than 2 minutes that sweat was literally forming as fast as I could wipe it away, and I had to wipe it away in order to see. Now that I was finally playing fair and not pretending to weigh 150lbs the machine told me that I was burning between (depending on my strides per minute at the moment it was calculating) between 1150 and 1510 calories an hour! Woot, a real reading, finally. Still, um back to the killer thing? I finished my first 30 minutes at the right settings, still at 40 resistance and was really incredibly tired, like wiped out. I did my circuit, the whole thing, and when I got back on the elliptical my legs felt like lead. I did 10 more minutes and called it a day. So at 40 minutes and 40 resistance my calories burned on the elliptical today were 1033. Add in the 400 or so more I burn on the circuit and you get 1433. I can not be sad about that. Its really motivating to see how many calories I burn a day. I don't count the calories I eat so I'm not really tempted to eat a little more or have something I shouldn't because I have the "room" or something. It's just nice to see. I can bait myself on.

Now I received a bunch of comments regarding PCOS and its effects on me (and all of you who have it), and I realized that I don't talk about it much. Maybe I don't talk about it enough. I really feel as though I shouldn't because despite the fact that it does play a heavy hand in my weight loss I don't want to use it as an excuse for why I can't lose weight (and please do not think I am saying that about anyone else!). This is just my experience and I can not speak for everyone else, but I'm not really having trouble getting the weight off. When I do have trouble it's because I make bad decisions (so far). It does affect me though. For example, refined sugars slow my weight loss down a lot. I once had a period for over 18 months (yes, I have seen a Dr, and I have been checked for damage and I am fine. ) that finally stopped and normalized with a low carb diet. Weight Watchers is working for me because a) its actually low gi when done the right way. b) I'm actually getting off of my butt this time (which vastly and immediately improves insulin sensitivity). and c) I have real support.

The other reason I don't really talk about it is because I had some very bad experiences with doctors and PCOS and now I have this soapbox filled with anger and that really isn't what I want this blog to radiate. It's really hard to rationally talk about experiences that still deeply affect you. For example, after my period finally stopped with low carb dieting - it normalized and came back. The first 6 or 7 times it came I was so afraid it wasn't going to go away that I cried. I still feel a little unnerved when it gets here to this day. I am healing though, and I figure that I'll be able to talk about everything little by little.

The comments did remind me that PCOS can mess with your emotions and moods, and even up your anxiety, along with hurting your weight loss efforts though. It's a vicious cycle! Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome is "is the most common endocrine disorder of women". Insulin is a hormone, and in excess it stores fat. Most women who have pcos also have insulin resistance, meaning they are over producing insulin. Fat stores estrogen (I may be misspeaking here, it may be that fat creates estrogen, which is just as bad) which is then also released as we lose weight. That estrogen not only makes it harder to lose weight, it also seriously unbalances your moods/feelings/emotions etc., also making it harder to lose weight. Pcos can cause a myriad of issues from depression and anxiety to infertility and heart disease. It is a serious subject and can not possibly be defined by one case, experience or definition! If you think you have PCOS, talk to your doctor!

For more on PCOS from people much more in the know than I am: Go Here.

Anyway, I hope that wasn't too much of a segue away from my normal posts talking about my activity and food for the day! I had a great food day, but I haven't eaten enough! I think again that it's because I am so hot! My food was so great though that I only need 1 more serving of fruits or veggies to make my goal!

Today:
2 servings inside out egg roll: 3
1 banana: 2
1 100 calorie snack pack: 1
1 grilled chicken sand: 5
w/ bbq: 1
1 medium salad: 1
1 serving ff ranch: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving buffalo chicken mac and cheese (revised, wont be the last time, working on getting those points down low enough to post this): 11
1 orange: 1
1 wrap: 2
1 serving avocado: 2
1 egg: 2
1 serving cheese: 3
1 serving shredded potato: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving chocolate: 4
41/41 +2/35

Day 198

Today was both good and bad. I had a long day and I was out of the house for most of it. By the evening my back was so bad that shifting weight from foot to foot was unbearable. Yesterday I looked up some exercise/stretches for relief of sciatic pain (which is what I believe this is), and they help for a short time. The first time this ever happened to me it put me off my feet for over a week, I'm really hoping that this time it isn't so bad. Exercise doesn't seem to hurt it though which I am thankful for. I missed the gym tonight due to time constraints but made it to the local track with the girls. I also have a lot of naproxen left over (I am not a big pill taker) from that migraine I had, and that helped me some today and I read that an ice pack might also help, so I'm going to try that tonight (Frozen peas to the rescue!). Now there is something I am looking forward to: less aches and pains. I'm not saying that sciatic pain is just going to go away, but I'm sure that not weighing over 300lbs is going to help! I'm so tired of feeling sore! And before you ask, I have a physical scheduled in June!

My food is weird today also because of time, but I still managed to get in all of my veggies!

Short post tonight as I'd like to hang out with the hubby for a bit before bed. Good night!

Today:
1 ww muffin: 3
1 chicken sandwich: 6
1 cup cut up fruit: 2
bbq sauce: 1
handfull of peanuts: 1
1 small baked potato: 2
1 cup quick home made chili: 4
1 serving cheese: 2
2nd serving (each serving with 2 servs veg): 5
ranch dressing: 2
1 serving shepherds pie: 6
2nd serving (hours later, no extra pt): 6
honey mustard: 1
1 serving home made ww choc rasp torte: 4
1 serving cheetos (Yep, I did it. I shouldn't have, but I did.): 5
41/41 + 9/35

I used some extra points tonight! I do not know why but that always makes me feel guilty! That's really rather counter intuitive eh? I'm glad I can see that now. I have been much more active so far this week with the gym on Monday, big chores and walking on Tuesday, and the track tonight. A few extra points is probably good for me!

My mom is now eating WW with me because I do all of the cooking and make her lunches etc. She has lost over 100lbs with exercise. Her diet was bad, she wasn't eating enough and was relying way too heavily on supplements. When she first started WW with me she told me she knew she was eating too much and that she was only going to give it two weeks because she was afraid she was going to gain weight. Now, she has been sitting at the same weight for months trying to get it off. This woman works out hard, I mean soaking wet and still going! She should have been losing weight right? Nope. One week of Weight Watchers? She lost 5 lbs. Lesson: Do not starve yourself, eat right and make smart choices! Don't eat Cheetos. If you do though, write it down and let it go!

Day 189

I am so sorry for not updating yesterday! I feel like straight up sludge right now! So this is for last night and there will be another tonight for today, if that isn't too confusing.

I did not go to the gym, nor do I think I will be going today. I don't want to miss it but as I said before, my period is really, really hard on me and so I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

These last few days have been hard mentally because I have been feeling so off food wise. I haven't been doing terribly or eating way to much or anything, but I have been feeling what I think is hunger at times when I normally don't. This is probably all an effect of my schedule re-normalizing and the fact that this particular monthly is making me so tired! I'm working though it.

On a good note, I did post my latest recipe for Meatloaf Pizza Pie as a guest post over at Thoughtful Momma! Give it a try! My whole family (Mom, brother, and husband) loved it!

Today:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving homemade chicken salad: 2
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 can soup: 7
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 baked potato: 3
1 serving ww cheese: 2
3 tbsp ranch: 3
1 serving homemade chicken curry: 7
w rice: 4
1/2 cup peas: 1
1 huge serving of spinach: 0
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 serving cauliflower: 0
3 bell pepper strips: 0
1/2 egg: 1
3 tbsp ranch: 3
1 serving ww cheese: 2
last of the chicken salad: 1
Extra small serving of curry: 6
47/41

So 6 extra points, plus 10 from the day before. It always bothers me to use them, but isn't that what they are for? I almost never use them and sometimes I wonder if that isn't a good decision either...

Day 188

So I have this really horrible/funny story. You remember yesterday when I said that no matter what I wouldn't miss my meeting? Yeah. So my husband works a lot, and his social life suffers. He really only has one friend who isn't also my friend. Well, he and that friend got together yesterday to play video games. My husband stayed out until after 6am. Yes, after 6am. Now, I do not begrudge him his fun time, but when he came home at 6am he wanted to be "helpful" so he reset my alarm clock...which then never went off. To say that I was full of seething, angry rage would not do the moment when I woke up justice.

I know they are just meetings, but when I miss them I feel like I am falling behind, or not doing as well as I could be. I also love the support and the people there. I love sitting in a room full of other people struggling just as hard as I am to get to a similar goal. I would switch meetings to a more convenient time (we are a late shift family) but I love the connection with this group!

In any case I got up, got dressed and weighed myself this morning: 341.4. That's a loss of 5.8 from the last time I went to WW! I am currently lighter than I have been in years. This makes my total loss so far: 76.4lbs. So despite struggling with the gym, and stress and moving I am still parading down diet lane. I am seriously proud of myself. Even my new clothes are fitting very loosely!

I am supposed to go back to the gym tomorrow, but my monthly slasher flick is here in a bad way. I have a plan, but I'm not going to kick myself over not being able to hack a full circuit or cardio if I can't. I have pain and nausea today, but they aren't usually what keeps me from the gym...if you know what I mean.

Today was grocery day, and game night (at a friends house), so I will not be posting my recipe for Pizza Meatloaf Pie tonight, but I promise to get it done tomorrow! It was incredibly tasty!

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 serving sun chips: 4
1 subway sub: 12
1 serving dark chocolate: 3
1 serving pizza meatloaf pie: 9
1 serving green beans: 0
1/2 serving ranch: 1
a handful of almonds: 1
1 bag popcorn: 5
38/41

I do plan to use some of my extra points tonight. I was feeling fairly sick earlier, and now I feel starved! It's the monthly I think...