Day 366

Today was about resting for me. I have worked out 4 times this week, which isn't bad since I'm trying to get back into the habit. My body however is really really sore. So I'm giving it a day. Tomorrow I'm going to hit the track. I want to give the strength training until Sunday or Monday before I push it again.

So today was boring except that I again kept to my points. I know that shouldn't be a big deal since it is the core of my plan but it really is a big deal for me. So, its a short update for today. Tomorrow I have some errands to run, and the track to do. I am making a gluten free macaroni and cheese and a green salad for dinner with the girls tomorrow night. Should be fun!

Today:
2 waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
3 servings light fruit cocktail: 4
1 can beef vegetable soup: 5
1 serving rice crisps: 3
1 chunk blue berry muffin: 2
1 sand thin: 1
1 serving tomato: 0
1 laughing cow light cheese wedge: 1
1 serving rice crisps: 3
1 serving Asian glazed drum sticks: 3
1/2 cup brown rice: 2
1 cup sugar snap peas: 1
29/38

I'll probably have some popcorn before bed!

Day 365

I have been blogging for a year! I know, I missed a few days here and there, but I am incredibly proud of my little corner of the world here and really blessed to have been able to share it with all of you. I want to cover the past year, but I want to do it on Sunday after my final weigh in for the year. good or bad on Sunday I know I kicked butt this year. 98 lbs is nothing to sneeze at and something I never ever thought that I would be able to do. In doing it I have found that I am capable of so much more. So Sunday!

Today was epic, in a workout way. I went to my gym and did my full circuit, plus 40 minutes on the elliptical. I am trying to up my time a little every time I go to the gym to get my time back to where it was before I lost my stride. Then, after the gym (a few hours later) I went with a friend to her gym, which is open all night (which is super cool). We did a 30 minute workout that included step cardio and strength. It was really great, I didn't think it would be a work out but it really was! I also did 5 minutes on a different kind of elliptical. I wanted to try it out because I have come to love my gyms elliptical so much. It was good, a little harder, but I think that was because it was a different motion than the ones I use normally.

My arms are still really sore, and my legs are a touch sore too. I did some leg lifts yesterday and I think I finally managed to do the the right way...hence the pain. I'm going to go take a long shower, put on some jammies and go to bed!

All in all it was a really great day for the diet parade.

Today:
1 ww lf waffle: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving strawberries: 1
1 serving rice crisps: 3
1 larabar: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 baked potato with cheese: 7
1 small chili: 4
22/38

I'm not too worried about not finishing my points as I went over them yesterday.

Day 363

I had so many ideas for posts here today! I think I need to start writing them down for when all I have to talk about is my food and exercise.

I wanted to talk about Garrett from StagesofChange, but so many of you already have, and I don't want to rewound anyone. I'll keep it short. I missed the news of his death because of my absence. It made me cry. For him, and honestly, for myself. He was inspirational because of the daunting task ahead of him that he chose to acknowledge. Despite the ups, and downs that we all have he was trying to take control of his own war. I do not know how he died, and I wont make any guesses, but it does bring back that fear I wrote about a little under a year ago. It has been on my mind for a day or so now and I want to say that regardless of success in numbers I think this journey changes us. It makes us aware of our weaknesses and it makes us stronger for them. The end result isn't the only reward. I think we spend a lot of time thinking about what happens "when we lose this weight" but the path we take to get there is just as important. Even in death he inspired me. I hope that isn't too dramatic.

I went to the gym today! I wasn't able to do the whole hour on the elliptical I usually do, but I did 30 minutes, and I completed my weight circuit. My arms are going to be sore tomorrow. I had an interesting run in tonight at the gym with a woman I have never met before. I was signing into a weight machine and this very nice lady tapped me on the shoulder. She hadn't yet wiped the machine down and wanted to before I got onto it. She then asked me how I was doing and told me that she doesn't normally come to the gym, but that her husband had told her about me. I told her I hadn't been in a while. I didn't want to be like who is your husband because I'm shy and I didn't want to offend her. She realized in a moment anyway. She asked me how much I had lost (which I thought was kind of blunt but I want to be open about it so I told her) and then proceeded to tell me that she was frustrated that it was taking so long to come off (to be fair: she thought she was commiserating) and that she had lost 63lbs since her surgery in May, and where did I have mine done? I told her that I didn't have surgery, that I went to WW for the first time back in September of 2009. It got kind of uncomfortable after that, not in a bad way, but I think she might have thought that I didn't approve or something. It's a very personal choice and I know that it isn't any of my business. I shared with her the fact that my aunt is about to have it done (she is nearing 60 and can hardly walk) and that I think 63lbs is great. I also told her not to stress over it because slower can actually really be better.

This was an interesting run in for me because it was not the first time that someone meeting me assumed (without asking) that I had WLS to lose weight. I don't think that there is anything inherently wrong with WLS but I know that I can do this without it. I know that I need to do this without it. I want to struggle to get there so that I remember that when I am putting food in my mouth. I want to learn the skills to keep the weight off once I'm at a healthy weight.

My new shoes help up wonderfully to the gym today! I also learned that my gym is going to have Zumba classes too, and for much cheaper than the place I was looking at before. I'm just so nervous! I'm afraid I wont be able to move the right way.

Food was good again today:
1 serving cheesy orzo: 4
1 serving taco soup: 3
1/2 serving chicken salad: 2
1 arnold sandwich thin: 1
2 slices tomato: 0
1 banana: 2
1 serving sweet chili rice crisps: 3
1 serving cheesy orzo: 4
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 yogurt: 2
1/2 cup brown rice: 2
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken: 5
1/2 cup peas: 2
33/38

Going to have some popcorn in a bit which will finish out the last of my daily points. I'm really proud of how the week is going so far!

Day 362

The gym was closed today, and I was baby sitting for a friend while she and her husband took their two older kids to the state fair, so it was alright. I did go out tonight after my husband took the baby home though. It was too late for the track but I managed a brisk walk for about 45 minutes. It isn't much, but it's in the right direction. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have done much better at the gym. New shoes, new blisters. Ow, ow ow! I didn't have them from walking in them until tonight. I thought I had broken them in, but I guess when I really started moving they started breaking me in. So, since I'll be wearing said shoes to whatever workout I manage (the gym, the gym!) tomorrow I was wondering if anyone out there had a really great way to get rid of blisters (they are already broken) or cover them so that they wont be painful? In the past I have tried band aids without much success.

My food was really great today, I'm pretty proud of that.

Today:
1 can chunky tomato soup: 5
1 sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving homemade chicken salad: 4
2 slices tomato: 0
1 sandwich thin: 1
1 serving sweet chili rice crisps: 3
1 serving baked chicken breast (marinated in honey mustard, curry powder, fresh basil and ginger with just a little sriracha): 4
1 serving cheesy orzo: 4
1 cup steamed carrots: 0
26/38

Day 337

Still here, still going on.

I haven't made it back to the gym yet, despite wanting to. I feel like I am stuck and I don't quite know how to get moving again. I'm not gaining, so don't panic. I'm still on plan. I'm just not doing as well as before and I'm not losing.

I have an appointment to see my obgyn this month and 2 more to recheck my triglycerides. I feel like I'm coming to a cross roads here. I need one more year on birth control. I need it. Emotionally I cant handle this battle and the one that drives me to have kids at the same time. Now this will only be the end of my first year ever (in my life) on birth control, but now I'm wondering if it isn't what is elevating my triglycerides (research).

I'm also dealing with (still) the emotional fallout (all of my own doing) from everyone around me having babies or getting pregnant. It is way to easy to forget that it could happen, and that I am actively preventing now in order to make it more likely later. Its easy to trip and fall into that dark hole. I find myself needing to pull away socially in certain situations. I know, I know. I need to get up and stop crying and run towards my dreams and goals instead of whining about it and letting it get away from me.

What am I doing? I can not tell you how many times in the last few weeks this has been the thought in the front of my mind. I need to kick my own but into gym gear. Into commitment gear. I haven't given up, but dang have I ever let some of the direction go. Here I am looking in the mirror again, but now things have changed and the picture is feeling kind of fuzzy.

I've said it a million times, but don't give up on me. I am determined to lose the rest of my weight, and my burden. I'm not taking my time on purpose. I think that its just life.

Today:
1 homemade burger w cheese no bun: 6
sauted onions and peppers: 1
1 waffle: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 1/2 servings cheddar rice crisps: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 banana: 2
1 cup watermelon: 1
1 cup rice: 4
1 serving sauted green beans with peppers and onions: 1
1 serving crock pot cantonese pork: 7
1/2 serving dinner (pork, greenbeans, and rice): 7
38/38 + 1/23 (used some this week)

Day 308

Today has been a rather long day, but for the most part a relaxing one. I woke up exhausted. I slept for 6 hours and woke up so tired that my eyes were burning for sleep. I tried going back to sleep and could not. I think I'm wound up about something. It is so hard for me to let stress go and not turn it into anxiety. It is something I've been working on, but haven't made much progress with. It's a journey right? I'm not currently down or anything, just weirdly overstimulated.

I did go to the gym today and my food was good, so I can count the day as a win right? Then I finished watching Season 1 of Merlin. I am quite officially in love.

We are at the end of the first week of The Freedom Challenge!

My goals were:
1. To eat on plan every day from now on, including 7-9 servings of fruits and vegetables every day. I have been struggling with that and it has been holding me back. I have been kicking but on this one so far. I come pretty close to my goal or meet it every day, even though WW currently says I need only eat 5 servings a day. (9 servings if you were over 350lbs.)

2. Exercise at least 5 days a week, at the gym or at home. I've been getting better at this but I think its important to keep this goal in mind. This one is not yet on point but I gave it effort. Generally I do not (and sometimes can not) exercise at all during slasher week, but I managed this time.

3. Wake up and get up with my husband. Do not sleep in every day. Another so far so good here. Getting up on time makes it a less stressful day most of the time.

4. Get my housework done every day (including be up on my laundry) so that that particular stress doesn't keep me from the gym. Been doing alright on that one. The one thing I have been neglecting is my stove. I need to take it apart and clean the inside.

5. Track my food more diligently so that I'm not stuck trying to remember what I ate at night. This continues to be an issue for me. I have been doing really well at this recently, and hopefully that continues. When I track well, I lose more weight!

I think I have had a good week and good results from the last week so onward parade!

Today:
2 ww lf waffles: 2
1 serving reduced cal syrup: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving craisins: 2
1 serving to die for pot roast: 6
1 serving roasted carrots: 0
1 serving roasted red potatoes: 3
1 can soup: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 plum: 1
1 serving craisins: 2
1 baked potato: 5
w/cheese: 2
1 small chili (Yes, I got my dinner from Wendy's. I've been exhausted all day!): 4
1 ww ice cream: 1
38/38

Recently it has come to my attention that I was not eating enough meat, or protein (this is recent) and that perhaps that also slowed down my weight loss. I kicked up the protein a little and got much better results. Hmm.

Day 297

So remember what I said about taking the reigns? I've got them. I worked out today, though not at the gym... It was a beautiful day here in Baltimore and I couldn't just stay inside!

A lot of the people who have or who read blogs do not have a gym membership like I do. It takes courage to go to the gym and sweat very hard in front of people you don't know. It's also hard to imagine yourself (if you are as big as I am or was) getting onto any of those machines and not breaking them. Trust me though, they will hold you, and they will change the way you feel about working out too. The gym (especially if you are going to add strength training to your routine) is a very valuable asset to the journey.

Now, for those of us not ready there are plenty of other things you can do to get your heart rate up!

This is the park near my house. I decided that since tonight is karaoke night and I had a lot to do at home I would get some cardio in at the park and enjoy some fresh air.

There is a bike trail that winds through a lot of my part of Baltimore and it cuts through the park here, which makes for wonderful walking/jogging/breathing hard.

Despite being in the middle of the city, its actually quite beautiful here, though different from when I was younger.

My grandfather taught me how to ride a bike right in this area here. There used to be fences and swings and monkey bars a jungle gym and concrete paths.

He would sit on a wooden bench here, with his Siamese cat on his shoulder while I played. I really miss him. I did not expect the park to drag out memories that way but they are very good ones. It made me sad, but not in a bad way. It was hard to leave this spot today.

I used to go to the community center here for games and organized sports for kids. It is where my brother won his first trophy. Kids still play basket ball here.

So I walked and jogged (a little, on and off, and it wasn't as bad as last time at all!). Then Before I left I ran up and down these stairs several times before walking home.

I think it was actually a great workout. Refreshing and out of the ordinary. And it definitely got my heart rate up! This is not a pretty picture, its a sweaty one! Though there was a very nice breeze today so it wasn't as bad as at the gym.

I will post my food, but this entry is coming so early a lot of my points aren't used yet. I have karaoke tonight and I wanted to make sure this post was made!

Edited to post food:

Today:
1 chicken sandwich: 5
w/ honey mustard: 1
1 side salad: 1
w/ spicy dressing: 4
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
1 serving taco soup: 7
1 serving corn bread: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
6 hours later:
1/2 serving taco soup: 3
1 serving corn bread: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
38/38

Day 295

Today was the day of my physical. I was actually pretty nervous. My experiences with doctors have not all been good. Everything came out pretty well except for two things. My TSH is high (which means my thyroid is low, and my triglycerides are high at 277. All of my other cholesterol levels were very good. My glucose is perfect, my kidneys and liver are great etc. She said I might be a little iron deficient but that because I have such a heavy period that it could be the cause. Also, my blood pressure is great.

She wants to do more blood work in 3 months. She said that the triglycerides could be explained because of my weight loss and my body trying to break down the fat, but it still worries me. When I got home and did a little research I also learned that my particular brand of birth control can also cause a spike in triglycerides. Either way I'm nervous. She said that if it didn't come down we might talk about medication, but honestly I might try going off of the pill first. Hopefully it wont come to either of those things. She wants me to try fish oil and limiting my fat and sugar more. I'm not actually looking forward to that. Yes, that was effectively a groan on my part. I don't want to struggle anymore, it really kills my motivation. I'm not actually saying I will struggle, only that I'm afraid. Not afraid of failing, just of losing my stride again.

I also cant afford my prescriptions (4 new ones for skin issues), plus I need to pay my gynecologist what I owe her in order for me to be able to get more birth control. Argh. It just never ends does it? I am ready for a break now! Maybe I'll buy a lottery ticket.

Can I have a really big awesome plus side? I weighed in at the doctors office (cant avoid that one), and that scale read 325lbs. I'm not counting on it, but it would be nice right?

All in all it was actually a really good appointment and I am relived that I am no where near having diabetes and that all traces of high blood pressure (from when I was a teen) are gone. I am also thankful that everything else is good.

I think I am doing a pretty good job guys.

I think that despite my journeys pit falls I have really been succeeding. I'm not whining but sometimes it really feels like the deck has been kind of stacked against me lately. Oh, and I know there is no deck and that everything isn't actively working against me. Sometimes I just feel that way. We all do I think. It's just time to push it all back and deal rationally. I'm not going to lose track this time. It's my life, and I'm not willing to waste it wondering what if!

I went to the gym today, but since its an in between day for me I decided to do some swimming instead of cardio. I thought it would be relaxing since I tend to get so stressed when I don't need to. It was not relaxing. Somehow the YMCA messed up their schedule and there were too many people trying to use the pool for too many different things. I was kicked in the face by a man who was swimming with his head and torso under water and feet out. I let it go. Then his daughter asked him to stop because he was splashing everyone else in the face. He said: "I don't care, they all deserve to be splashed." I am not joking. I just got out. I had been swimming for 45 minutes so it wasn't the hour and half I wanted, but it was enough and I needed to be near a less stressful group of people.

Today:

2 ww waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
2 cups chopped broccoli: 0
1 cup sliced peppers: 0
1 tbsp teryake sauce: 1
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 serving salsa: 0
1 orange: 1
1 sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving beef and veggie stew: 5
24/38

I will add the rest of my points after I use them!

Retta gave me an award! The I Love Your Blog award!

Here are "The Rules":
1. Thank the person that gave it to you.
2. Write 10 things that you love.
3. Pass this award on to 10 other bloggers.

1. My husband.
2. My cats.
3. My family.
4. My friends.
5. A quiet night at home alone.
6. My dogs.
7. Gummy bears.
8. Raspberry Iced Tea.
9. Singing.
10. Being able to see the stars at night.

Retta broke the rules and so I am too. I am not passing this on to any one person! The ability to share things about yourself belongs to everyone and honestly? I love too many blogs to pick just a few. Take this and share it with your friends too.

Day 294

If you are anything like me then you have been fat for quite a long time. These days you have finally heard the bell, that little pang in your head that finally let the switch flip. These days everything that everyone (not making fun of you) always tried to say to you finally makes sense. The things about your life being better and about "food always" being there. Things that promised you that you wouldn't miss out, and that in fact even before you were done your whole life would change. People would tell us that it would cure and solve everything.

They were...mostly right. My life is so much better. I still weigh over 300lbs and I feel alive for the first time in my memory. One of my middle school teachers once said that there was a difference between "living" and "being alive". Being alive is a very stationary one dimensional sort of thing, and living is constant movement in a world with more dimensions than we can count. Food is still around, but I am developing a relationship with it that will help take care of me for the rest of my life. I don't know why I always felt like being on a diet would mean missing out! I'm finally not missing out! All that time spent worrying about missing out, what was I worried about missing out on? Food. It was my only source of pure enjoyment. These days I still think about food. The battle isn't over. Human beings can't divorce food, so we have to change our perception of it. In the mean time I am learning to get enjoyment from being outside, from walking with my husband, and from accomplishing physical tasks I never thought I'd be capable of. An hour on the elliptical? Me? A year ago I couldn't go more than ten minutes on the treadmill at 1.8 miles per hour holding onto the side bars. Now I enjoy the way I feel when I am sweating. I enjoy the feeling of sweating so hard that I have to shake the drops off of my glasses. That is what living feels like to me now. Not struggling to breathe down the sidewalk to the nearest kitchen to sit down and eat and for the air conditioning to cool away the sweat, the evidence of my hard work. Only back then the evidence of my hard work was embarrassing. I didn't want anyone to see that I broke into a bad sweat just walking 20 feet. I didn't want anyone to know I couldn't do it. I didn't want anything. My whole life is changing, so much so that when I stop to wonder what things will be like after losing the whole 252 lbs I can't. I feel like the outcomes are endless and that I could never imagine anything that will come close to the experience. No, losing weight itself isn't going to fix everything that is wrong with me and my life. Only I can do that. ...But back then when people were trying to talk some sense into me they were onto something. It is within our power to fix the things in our lives that give us grief, but how can we face them as shadows of ourselves? How can we face anything not knowing who we really are or what we are capable of? That is how decisions come to be regretted, and why I was never able to finish anything. I never knew why, but I'm starting to get an inkling.

The gym was good today. Do you ever bargain with the cardio machines? I do. You know what I mean..."Just 5 more minutes and then I will stop." Then you finish that up, but don't stop, "Okay, just to 25 minutes, that's good enough." Then you end up doing 30 anyway. I only really have these conversations with myself when I forget my ipod...which I did today. I still managed an entire hour on the elliptical, plus an hour of weights. I have my physical tomorrow afternoon so right after that I am going to hit the gym to get it out of the way early.

Oh, and I did weigh myself this morning! MY scale said 327.4. Here is the thing: Up until yesterday my scale every Sunday morning (and I checked because I wanted to know) would be almost exactly 2lbs higher than the WW scale. On Sunday morning my scale at home said 329.6...which is what the WW scale said also. It was a different scale (there are 3), one I've never weighed on before. I have weighed in on the same scale since the first weigh in! Yeah I know, crazy...but then I've seen ladies take curlers out of their hair while in the line to be weighed. So now, my attempt to not weigh myself again until at least this coming Sunday, hopefully the one after that at the meeting.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1/2 serving pb: 2
1 serving sun chips: 3
1 serving salsa: 0
1 serving beef and veg stew: 5
1 banana: 2
1 low fat wrap: 1
1 serving dirty rice: 6
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving salsa: 0
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
1 serving mixed greens: 0
1 serving red pepper: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving carrots: 0
1 serving tomato: 0
1/4 cup chic peas: 0
1/2 serving ff ranch: 1
1 italian ice: 3
1 serving light chips: 3
1/4 cup salsa: 0
3oz cheese: 3
38/38 + 6/35

Day 290

"What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?"

That is actually a pretty moving question for me. I've been thinking along those lines a lot lately. What would I attempt if I was not fat? So many things. I have dreams that I've let go of and doors I've allowed to close over the years because I didn't (and perhaps still don't, not yet) have the confidence to fight for myself. This has been true in everything, even weight loss until now. Dieting is multifaceted. You think its simple and straight forward, and it is. Recently on facebook one of my cousins asked me for my "secret" because she needed to lose about 100lbs too. There isn't one! I realized then that the reason for my success, especially over the mental hurdles, goes back to the root of the question again. It isn't that I know the future, its that I know my life depends on me getting on the ball and losing this weight. So, I can not fail. Literally. So weight loss is simple, but people aren't. We are complicated, and sometimes deluded creatures. We get in the habit of telling ourselves what we want to hear even when we are hurting ourselves by doing so. I can lose weight whenever I want to. It can wait. I'm just too busy. It's too hard. I'm fine. This diet doesn't work. It's not fair. I'm just taking a break. There is no secret. Weight loss is hard, and transforming yourself on the outside takes transforming yourself on the inside too, and ladies and gentlemen, that is a long road. One we may never be finished. The weight will come off, but then I have to live. The reward is the long road. Maybe I will never get the dreams and opportunities back that I've lost, but I'm clearing the way for the rest of my life.

Today was incredibly active.

I took Chad to work before going to the gym (Woo! Third time this week!) and getting in an extra hour on the elliptical. Then I swam (fun swimming, not really work) for about an hour and a half. Plus today was karaoke, so I'm pretty proud of myself.

Dinner was iffy because I used regular sausage. OUCH 39.5 points for 14oz. Next time I am using chicken, or turkey sausage. Lesson learned!

Today:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1 grilled chicken sandwich: 6
w/ honey mustard: 2
1 small fruit cup: 1
3 waffle fries: 1
1 yogurt parfait: 4
1 serving dirty rice casserole (so many points because I prepared it using sausage, full fat, oops.): 13
1 serving pasta w sauce: 6
38/38

Day 289

Someone noticed!!

I was at the gym today getting back on the elliptical for my second 30 minutes and this woman tapped me on the shoulder and told me that I looked great and that she had been coming to the YMCA as long as I had and she wished she was as motivated as me. I "Phsawwed" and told her I was just trying to get back to going regularly (which I have been, yay!) and that I had been seeing her there and she was also doing a great job. I'm excited though, it feels good to have someone that doesn't love you say that you are looking good. The thing is...I'm noticing too. I know before I couldn't see it so well, but like I said, suddenly I have edges. AND CURVES. I have a shape that isn't quite so round. My clothes are looking better on me too. I am very motivated right now.

Tentatively I am going to the gym tomorrow also to help a friend with her kids in the pool. I'm planning to get there early and get in some extra cardio. I mean I know I said three days, but any extra is good. I'm driving there I might as well get on the machine.

Since this post is early my points aren't all finished yet.

Today:
1 flatout wrap: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/4 cup rice: 1
1 serving roasted red pepper: 0
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving light mayo: 2
1 serving light honey mustard: 2
1 pudding: 1
1 banana: 2
1 cup rice: 4
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1/2 cup peas: 1
2 servings soy sauce: 1
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving whole wheat pasta: 3
1 serving sauce: 3
1 flatout wrap: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/4 cup rice: 1
1 serving roasted red pepper: 0
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving light mayo: 2
1 serving light honey mustard: 2
1 pudding: 1
1 banana: 2
1 cup rice: 4
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1/2 cup peas: 1
2 servings soy sauce: 1
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving whole wheat pasta: 3
1 serving sauce: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
2nd serving dinner: 8
1 serving icecream: 3
1 waffle with 1/4th serving of pb and 1/2 serving jam: 3
38/38 + 4/35

Wow! I was actually quite hungry tonight.

Day 282

Quick post tonight, as I have a friend here. Her long time boyfriend (might as well be husband) is coming in from out of state tomorrow and she is trying to finish his birthday gift. A 13 foot long Doctor Who scarf. She taught herself how to knit and is now putting the finishing touches (tassels) on it and wanted my help. I will post a picture of the scarf tomorrow Friday after she gives it to him.

There was a party today that I attended after I went to the gym. Two days down! I did alright at the party too. I'm finding that I am eating almost all of my extra points this week, but I'm okay with that as I have 23 activity points so far and if everything goes as planned I should have another 17 or so on Friday. I should definitely show a loss this week!

Today:
2 low fat whole grain waffles: 2
w 1 serving reduced cal syrup: 2
1/2 banana: 1
1 yogurt: 2
2 servings ww brown pasta: 7
1 serving sauce: 3
2 slices pizza: 8
1 slice cake: 10
1 serving enchilada: 8
2 servings mixed veggies: 0
38/38 + 5/11

Day 280

Something that makes me smile? I have more energy and it doesn't hurt as much to use it. My poor husband is sick, but went to work anyway and now he feels rather horrid. So I'm taking care of him, and doing the things he normally does at night. A year ago I would not have been capable of the tedious back and forth, up and down type stuff. I'd have helped him as much as I could, but he would still have had to do things for me...and he would have because he loves me (and he in fact keeps asking me if I need help). Tonight though, I can totally take care of him. That makes me smile.

I think I'm off to a pretty nice march here so far. I can see Diet Parade just around the corner up ahead. I'm having trouble planning my points out so that I don't have a ton left over at the end of the evening...but so far that seems to be it. My veggies could be better, but I got 7 servings of fruits and veggies in today...

I went to the gym and I did 55 minutes of cardio and my full circuit. Yes, I am so counting that 55 minutes as an hour! I was getting a pretty bad headache. I have been fighting a headache since last Thursday, but I have meds from last time to try and make sure it doesn't turn into a migraine again.

So I fell off for a month here, and the Monday Spring Challenge Check in's haven't been coming. I'm sorry for that, but I am going to post one tonight because I'm back and even though I've neglected...well...everything, I want to get it all straight.

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I am getting back to it! I know its late, but I am determined!
2. I again am getting better but I'm still a work in progress.
3. I went to my meeting!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. Soon! I almost went bike riding at the beach with Chad, but Uncle Freddy came a knockin' almost as soon as we realized the condo came with bikes!

Now something I like about myself. I like that I am without a doubt, resilient. Despite being down and out, or falling back I will never give up. I will be fighting this battle for the rest of my life. Nothing ends at 165lbs, life begins anew! I still have to be careful though because I know the risks of food and lifestyle choices. I will never be 400+ again, but I'll have to be mindful. And who knows? Being down and out recently could be a cyclic thing, I might have to fight this and "fake it until I make" it several times before I hit 165. Does that make it less worth it? No way. I will be riding roller coasters, wearing smaller clothes, taking care of sick husbands and having babies by the time I am done. Living life is always worth bouncing back.

Today:
2 low fat whole grain waffles: 2
w 1 serving reduced cal syrup: 2
1 banana: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving chicken tomato and potato stew: 9
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/2 serving turkey breast lunch meat: 1
1 serving mustard: 0
2 slices tomato: 0
1 slice roasted red pepper: 0
1 serving dinner (later): 9
1 slice diet cherry pepsi cake: 4
38/38

Diet Cherry Pepsi cake

1 box any reduced sugar (or not) chocolate cake
12 oz diet cherry pepsi
1 pack ff, sf, instant chocolate pudding (4 serving box)
2 egg whites
1 20 oz can cherry pie filling

Mix dry cake mix, pudding mix, egg whites, and pepsi until well blended.

Spoon mixture into bottom of prepared bundt pan.

Spoon half the can of cherries in on top.

Spoon the rest of the cake mixture on top of the cherries.

Bake as package directs (check though, mine took the lower amount of time).

After the cake cools, remove it from the bundt pan and pour the remaining pie filling over the top.

Enjoy!

Day 249

This is me at the gym today.

That's right ladies and gentlemen! I went to the gym today, while the monthly slasher was here! I did my cardio and my full circuit. I wear sweat pants and a long sleeved t-shirt to the gym. People look at me like I'm nuts sometimes, especially right now because it was so hot in Baltimore today. I don't wear the long sleeves to cover up so much. I have worn tank tops to the gym before, I'm just more comfortable in these clothes. Why am I talking about this you ask? Because today I realized that I needed new gym pants (which conveniently I didn't think to get into the picture). I stole these from my younger brother a few years ago because they were so comfortable, but they were also so tight. There were days I would have trouble getting them on. These days if I put anything at all in my pockets they are liable to fall off of me. I know, I shouldn't be complaining, but I love these stupid pants. Though honestly nothing really fits me correctly anymore. You know that bra I bought just a few months ago? Too big. All of my underwear? Too big.

This is another NSV and its totally personal, but it is so relevant and it made me stop in shock today while I was washing my body in the shower. I can now reach every single part of my body. The whole thing. I can reach every inch with my soapy rag for the first time in many, many years. Isn't that worth skipping the drive thru? Lets keep them going? I can now get out of bed on the first try, with little to no pain at all. I fit in most (if not all) seat belts in cars now, I no longer have to explain to friends that I need the front seat because I am too fat to sit in the back. The seat belt thing? That was a big one on my list. I fit in movie theatre seats again!

So far so good. I have been sticking to my guns, and since Wednesday my food has been killer. All of my veggies are in and my points are back under control. I'm feeling pretty confident again.

I know a bunch of new people are reading now, and so welcome! If I do not have your blog listed on the side and you want it there, comment here with your blog and I will add you! We can all use the support.

Oh, and by the way: HP fixed my laptop for free, I am posting this with my lovely machine right now!

Day 244

This is my post for Sunday! I lost 3.6 lbs! Bringing my total loss so far to 86.8 lbs and my current weight to 331.

Am I always doom and gloom? I woke up on time on Sunday morning despite having a late night and trudged dutifully to my WW meeting. On the way there I went over all of the positive changes that I was trying to make this week. I believe the reinvigoration challenge was a success. I feel better. There are still some things I really need to straighten out. My food has been a challenge in the last week, but I kept that in mind while grocery shopping after the meeting. My exercise is definitely better. Today is my birthday (I'm 27) and my gym clothes are now in the dryer. I am in fact going to work out today.

I'm proud of myself for knowing what my mental outcome would be before I stepped on the scale.

Spring Challenge update tonight!

Day 242

I got back to the gym again today and I'm really proud of myself because I got my circuit back up to where it was before I stopped going to the gym. I did a full circuit today plus one set on each machine including the ones that I wasn't doing more on before. My cardio is still at 40 minutes, but the machine tells me that I burned 740 calories today, so I'm not sad.

I'm hoping to get back to the gym tomorrow before they close, and before karaoke! We are doing an extra session in celebration of my birthday!

My food still isn't on par with the past. As long as the gym is under control I really need to work on that. This is really dragging me down and keeping me stuck in the 330's.

Today at the gym I found myself thinking about jogging again. I found myself wondering how safe it would be for someone my size, and then I started worrying about my ankles. You see, we used to walk the track, and there would be times when my legs would feel so tense. Not in pain or anything, but I really felt like I wanted to run. I felt that way at the gym today too. I remember being a kid and running and back then it felt really good. It was like opening my body up and really working out the kinks. I really want that feeling back. I have bad ankles as of right now though. I don't know that they will be bad once I lose the weight, so who knows? I shouldn't already be worrying. Though at least I'm worried about being able to run once I lose the weight and not how I could feel if I didn't. Because I know I will. I just need to get out of this rut once and for all!

All sides have to work together on this! I need to put myself back together already! Wish me strength, and hope with me that this is the last week I spend bouncing around in the 330's.

Day 240

This is going to be rather short! It is late and I am tired!

I went to the gym again today and I have plans to go tomorrow. I went early like I said I would and you know what? It was a lot better than going late at night. I felt like I had the rest of the night to do the things I needed to do and I did not feel rushed and frustrated.

On the other hand my food was out of control today. I ate dinner out with my brother and some friends and I went over my points for the day.

Something that I have learned? I'm not going to succeed if I do not start strict tracking again. Before my laptop broke I was tracking on that, which was making me lax. Now that I don't have that at the moment I totally lost it! So tomorrow I will drag out the old marble copy book and get back down to business.

Day 239

After getting up today I threw my gym clothes in the washer, and I went to take a shower. After getting out of the shower I went and threw my clothes in the dryer and then I napped while they dried. Why am I telling you all this?

Because that is what I was doing while fighting myself over going to the gym. It was a pretty epic and pathetic battle consisting of me, wobbling back and forth in my commitment shoes. I went to the gym. I did my full circuit, and 40 minutes on the elliptical. I am trying not to feel guilty about not doing a whole hour. I fell off of the exercise wagon and it is going to take me a little time to get back to where I was.

Tomorrow I am going to experiment by going to the gym early. Like as soon as I get up. I'm wondering if that wont help me because when it starts to get late, all I want to do is relax and detox my day. I wont be able to go early every day because of transportation, but it will be nice to alleviate some of my stress there too. Once my husband fixes my car I will no longer be relying on my moms car for transportation there! If you can feel me glaring at my husband...it's because I am.

Today I learned that I still want it, bad. But I learned that I get ahead of myself. I try too hard to go too fast and I end up very disappointed. Today I took my time and got my workout done, and that simple act has made me feel so much lighter. In the past couple of weeks I have let this parade get really out of control, but I feel like I'm getting my grip back. I saw someone new at the gym today making use of one of the personal trainers. She was very heavy, and seemed about my age. She looked so tired and so sad, and I just wanted to hug her and tell her that she wasn't alone, and that I felt the same exact way. Then I would have told her that it gets better every single day I stick to my guns and do what I need to. I would have told her she could do this, even though right now all she probably wanted was a diet coke and a comfy couch. The couch will feel even better later, after you kick your own butt. I didn't run up and interrupt her session, because I probably would have freaked her out (it would have freaked me out.). I'm cheering her on though, silently. It was like getting a really clear look in the mirror. Sometimes when I have to come here and report what I feel like are failures, its really hard. I feel like an impostor, or a pretender to the crown, but the truth is that there is no crown, and I'm human. This is not a race. A race implies that we know where were are going and that the road is mapped out before us. That is not the case here. This is a journey in the fullest (Tolkien style if you will) sense of the word. It is full of ups and downs and self discoveries that we might have previously thought unimaginable. It takes time to flesh out all of the intricacies that brought us to the beginning of something like this. There are no kings, or queens, only travelers, and the most notorious enemy we have to face is ourselves.

I did not get in all of my veggies today, but on the whole I had a good day. I do not feel as stressed, and I have a busy week ahead of me. My brother turns 23 on Friday and I turn 27 on Monday. Yesterday, despite my atempt to keep my head above water positivity wise, I sank. Today I feel like I'm swimming again.

Stay with me, I'm gaining back ground here.

*Also you might have noticed that I stopped posting my daily food. I wasn't sure that that was an important part here but if anyone else thinks so I will gladly put it back!

Day 230, 231

So after this post, posts will go back to being once a day again for the most part.

On Sunday at weigh in I gained 0.2lbs. I think the party on Saturday and the sodium involved had a bunch to do with it, and I could complain and shake my fist but honestly? It wasn't a great week. I had a really hard time motivating myself to go to the gym and work out, and then my sleep went haywire. I was finally able to sleep last night. I do not know what kept me awake for so long. It could be stress (like everything else is), but it hasn't ever happened like that before. I had this pain in my neck and one shoulder and I couldn't get comfortable and then my brain just. would. not. shut. up. I'm hoping that this was an isolated event and that it wont happen again. Not sleeping was horrible, I felt like a zombie, numb but mobile somehow. I took today off too (just from the gym) to get myself back together after being a head case for 3 days.

I think I am still having some trouble with getting back onto the groove of everything here. I keep losing my focus in day to day life. I think I need to go back to my rules, or perhaps re-evaluate them. Our meeting this week was about what was keeping us from success and I have been thinking a lot about that. My environment is not it. I think my environment is pretty conducive to my diet, especially now that I've moved. Some of it is my friends, but not all of them. I have trouble saying no, and some of them have trouble accepting or dealing with what I am trying to do. My time management and planning have something to do with it too. I end up late or I end up running out of time (like on Thursdays) and I never plan for a successful outcome. These are some of the things the WW booklet mentions, but honestly? Its me. I am the one who has trouble saying no, and budgeting my time. I never thought I was the kind of girl who gives in to social pressure (Never tried smoking, never done any drugs not even experimenting, and I don't really drink.), I don't even take a lot of tylenol. Food though? It has this hold on my feelings and emotions. It's connected to my sense of comfort and belonging and even love. That is pretty powerful. I'm in wonder of those people (and there are some!) who can make this long journey without addressing their psyche.

So for those of you who are new here or just new to this blog: Am I failing because I maintained/gained this week? No way! I am still over 83lbs down! Like I said before, a stumble or failure doesn't have to be the end. It is an inevitable part of a very long journey, and this wasn't even a stumble. Some of you are reading me now for motivation, so I wanted to say if you take anything from my blog I want it to be the ability to just keep going! It takes 6-8 weeks to make something a habit and so much less time to screw that back up. Most of us give up before we can even get into the groove which may not be that much easier, but it so worth it. We get paid for our results. We get to live and breathe a little longer and little more comfortably.

I have discovered (just now it hit me) that my biggest problem is that I have put a time limit on how long I want it to take me to lose weight. I gave myself 2 years. I'll be 28/29 and I want to have children so I gave myself this mental finish line. My body does what it has to and I lose weight at the speed of my commitment which isn't going to be the same every day. I'm human you know? I want to get it off in two years, but honestly? I still have a long road to travel and the idea that I'm setting myself back time wise every time I don't lose weight is making me crazy. So: No more time crunch. I still want the weight off fast, but more than that I just want it off. Wow, what a random epiphany.

I'm going to come back strong this week. I feel like a woman on a mission here. I will lose more weight!

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I did not go to the gym enough this week, but I did go twice.
2. I did pretty well again this week, but I took Sunday off food and exercise wise as I was pretty much dead to the world and needed the break from thinking...about anything.
3. I went to my meeting! I've hit every one since the start of the challenge breaking a streak of missing them pretty often!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 9 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I like that suddenly I have motivation and dreams again! Before my only dream (the only one I had left after gaining so much weight killed the rest) was to have children...then the weight killed that dream too. So I struck out at it in what I felt like was the last time I might even ever try. I had pretty much had it with everything at that moment. I started gaining ground and losing weight and suddenly I started feeling like there were more possibilities in my life. I feel like I have more open outcomes than I ever have before. It feels freeing, and that's what I'm after: Being free.

Today:
1 serving pasta: 3
1 serving veg sauce: 2
second serving: 6
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1 tbsp olive oil: 3
1 serving black bean sauce: 2
1 fruit bar: 2
1 serving fruit snack: 3
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 serving chicken pot pie: 7
1 yogurt: 2
1 (later) serving chicken pot pie: 7
40/40

Day 226

This week is not going so well on the exercise front. I have been feeling sort of weighed down. It could be the weather, its been a little gloomy here in Baltimore. I haven't been sedentary though. I kinda wanted to talk about that difference in myself here. Not just so you guys can see it, but also so that I can, because I want the proof staring me in the face when I am being wishy-washy about the gym.

At 417.8lbs I could not walk all of the way through the grocery store without a break. I could not stand for the whole time it took me to do my dinner dishes. I could not walk my dogs. I could not sweep my floor, or tote my laundry up and down the stairs. I could not sleep comfortably next to my husband in my own bed. I had trouble putting my own socks and shoes on. Once on a trip the the DC Zoo with friends I cried on my way back to the entrance because I could not breathe and I was in so much pain I wasn't sure I'd make it back. If there was an outing with friends anywhere that meant walking I was likely to back out. Back in March of '09 I could not walk 1/2 of a mile on the track without pain, and I could not do more than 1.8 on a treadmill for longer than 10 minutes.

These days, despite my occasional bouts of laziness I can do most of the above quite well. And while I have not been back to the DC Zoo recently I am planning to go back. I can clean my house by myself and dance intermittently (which I did today) while doing so! I can put my shoes and socks on with almost no trouble, and I randomly walk my dogs (not so often as they are all well over 60lbs and the small one has pulled me right out of my shoes before!). I can do dishes while cooking, and without sitting down, and sometimes while putting away groceries. I can walk all of the way through 3 grocery stores in a row, and I don't have to sit down, ever. I can do over 2 miles on the track, and 2.8 on the treadmill for an hour or more. I have since moved on to the elliptical which has been kicking my butt ever since! As for sleeping comfortably? Almost every night.

I'm getting there... Now will someone please motivate me to go to the gym this week?

Today:
1 serving cereal: 3
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 can soup: 3
2 slices cheese: 3
1 banana: 2
1 bag frozen vegetables: 0
1/6 (maybe) serving sliced almonds: 1
1 serving black bean sauce: 1
2 servings rice crisps: 5
1 serving meatloaf: 7
1 serving green beans: 0
1 baked potato: 3
1 serving yammy pumpkin pudding: 4
1 bag popcorn: 5
40/40

I got in 10-11 more servings of veggies today! I'm never sure about frozen veggies...the bad says a certain amount of servings but it never seems to come out that way...