Day 220

So between my friend and my husband we managed 3 more cats tonight! I'm relieved. They hate taking pills and they fight so hard...also the pills as they disolve in the cats mouth, make them foam at the mouth! Not in a rabid sort of way or anything, just the pills make them drool if not swallowed quickly! They will get over it!

Tonight was karaoke night! It was great, we had a great time, again no drinking for me. I did break my rule tonight though, about eating after two...my points were only 12 before karaoke. So I ate dinner after, and had a snack to get me up a little higher. I worry only a little sometimes about throwing my body into starvation mode, but this doesn't happen a lot. I have a busy weekend coming up and if I can just keep my food really good (and by really good I do not mean eating less! I mean eating enough! You know, 41 points!) I know I will see a loss!

Also, I am toying with the idea of finding a band to sing with once I drop this weight. My confidence has already come so far...I mean, why not? I do love it so very much, and other people (not just friends so its not just out of love!) tell me I'm good. I think even if it went no where at all it would be a fun and worthwhile experience! Maybe that will inspire the courage in my to finally get my teeth worked on...it would be about time. Look at me! Lose a little weight and I'm all inspiration and courage. Pfft. Wish I could have seen that a few weeks ago when I was down in the dumps hiding my head in the mud!

Today:
1 serving cereal: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving white chicken chili: 9
1 cup grapes: 1
22/41

Day 213

Alright, so after today I have made a decision. I am not longer going to even try getting to the gym on Thursdays. If, by chance it happens, awesome! If not, oh well. I always end up super stressed on Thursdays with everything I need to do, and end up in a bad mood and late to karaoke...which I am not quitting. When you spend most of your days in the house something like karaoke night with the girls becomes quite important to you. I still want 5 days of exercise in though so I think what I am going to do is get some out of gym/at home exercise going on Thursdays and if I can get to the gym on a Saturday I will. The theme of the game here for me is: "Don't become so stressed and/or overwhelmed that you stumble again!" I got dressed for the gym today, left for the gym today with my mom (my only ride really as my car is very seriously not up to any extra driving beyond taking my husband to and from work) who then took us to Kohls. Yes, shopping. Can I call that being active? Right, I didn't think so. In any case she offered to buy me new gym shoes (which I now need so very desperately), but there was nothing on shelf in my size (11 wide - extra wide depending on the shoe, I have big feet.). She then spent an hour and a half shopping. I got home with less than an hour before karaoke started, and with dinner still needing to be made, and no gym having been had. Now, most weeks are not in fact her fault, but I'm done! I'm just going to adapt to the situation now.

Also Thursdays are notoriously hard on my food intake, as in I never eat enough on this day. The reason being: we are a late shift family. We usually have dinner between 10:30 and 11PM. Karaoke runs between 9pm and 2am. I stop eating at 2am, thus a pretty large chunk of my day is gone, and I can not eat bar food, and they do not allow in outside food. Also consider I usually go to the gym for 1-2 hours before karaoke, and I need about an hour to get ready to go to karaoke. Phew! Sometimes that's pretty stressful. This way I can use the bulk of my evening to fix and eat my dinner and get ready without too much stress.

Today:
1 serving cereal: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1 sub from subway: 12
1 serving Sunchips: 4
1 chicken and veg enchilada (home made, 2 servings of veg in each one): 6
1 serving corn: 1
2nd enchilada: 7
1 triple berry smoothie (three 1/2 cups of fruit in every serving): 4
1/2 bag popcorn: 2
39/41

So I had 10 servings of fruits and veggies today! And yes, I am counting the mega amounts of veg I make subway put on my sandwich, without I am still at 8 servings though, which is right about target! Actually I really think that today was one of the best Thursdays I have had in a while food wise.

Day 212

Adventures of the Killer Elliptical.

So today I finally figured out how to get the machine to accurately count my calories burned and give me an accurate resistance. I had to enter my weight. No brainer right? So I do that, and as I do I feel the resistance on the machine getting a lot more...resisty. At 40 resistance I was sweating so hard in less than 2 minutes that sweat was literally forming as fast as I could wipe it away, and I had to wipe it away in order to see. Now that I was finally playing fair and not pretending to weigh 150lbs the machine told me that I was burning between (depending on my strides per minute at the moment it was calculating) between 1150 and 1510 calories an hour! Woot, a real reading, finally. Still, um back to the killer thing? I finished my first 30 minutes at the right settings, still at 40 resistance and was really incredibly tired, like wiped out. I did my circuit, the whole thing, and when I got back on the elliptical my legs felt like lead. I did 10 more minutes and called it a day. So at 40 minutes and 40 resistance my calories burned on the elliptical today were 1033. Add in the 400 or so more I burn on the circuit and you get 1433. I can not be sad about that. Its really motivating to see how many calories I burn a day. I don't count the calories I eat so I'm not really tempted to eat a little more or have something I shouldn't because I have the "room" or something. It's just nice to see. I can bait myself on.

Now I received a bunch of comments regarding PCOS and its effects on me (and all of you who have it), and I realized that I don't talk about it much. Maybe I don't talk about it enough. I really feel as though I shouldn't because despite the fact that it does play a heavy hand in my weight loss I don't want to use it as an excuse for why I can't lose weight (and please do not think I am saying that about anyone else!). This is just my experience and I can not speak for everyone else, but I'm not really having trouble getting the weight off. When I do have trouble it's because I make bad decisions (so far). It does affect me though. For example, refined sugars slow my weight loss down a lot. I once had a period for over 18 months (yes, I have seen a Dr, and I have been checked for damage and I am fine. ) that finally stopped and normalized with a low carb diet. Weight Watchers is working for me because a) its actually low gi when done the right way. b) I'm actually getting off of my butt this time (which vastly and immediately improves insulin sensitivity). and c) I have real support.

The other reason I don't really talk about it is because I had some very bad experiences with doctors and PCOS and now I have this soapbox filled with anger and that really isn't what I want this blog to radiate. It's really hard to rationally talk about experiences that still deeply affect you. For example, after my period finally stopped with low carb dieting - it normalized and came back. The first 6 or 7 times it came I was so afraid it wasn't going to go away that I cried. I still feel a little unnerved when it gets here to this day. I am healing though, and I figure that I'll be able to talk about everything little by little.

The comments did remind me that PCOS can mess with your emotions and moods, and even up your anxiety, along with hurting your weight loss efforts though. It's a vicious cycle! Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome is "is the most common endocrine disorder of women". Insulin is a hormone, and in excess it stores fat. Most women who have pcos also have insulin resistance, meaning they are over producing insulin. Fat stores estrogen (I may be misspeaking here, it may be that fat creates estrogen, which is just as bad) which is then also released as we lose weight. That estrogen not only makes it harder to lose weight, it also seriously unbalances your moods/feelings/emotions etc., also making it harder to lose weight. Pcos can cause a myriad of issues from depression and anxiety to infertility and heart disease. It is a serious subject and can not possibly be defined by one case, experience or definition! If you think you have PCOS, talk to your doctor!

For more on PCOS from people much more in the know than I am: Go Here.

Anyway, I hope that wasn't too much of a segue away from my normal posts talking about my activity and food for the day! I had a great food day, but I haven't eaten enough! I think again that it's because I am so hot! My food was so great though that I only need 1 more serving of fruits or veggies to make my goal!

Today:
2 servings inside out egg roll: 3
1 banana: 2
1 100 calorie snack pack: 1
1 grilled chicken sand: 5
w/ bbq: 1
1 medium salad: 1
1 serving ff ranch: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving buffalo chicken mac and cheese (revised, wont be the last time, working on getting those points down low enough to post this): 11
1 orange: 1
1 wrap: 2
1 serving avocado: 2
1 egg: 2
1 serving cheese: 3
1 serving shredded potato: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving chocolate: 4
41/41 +2/35

Day 171

So this video, if it loads is me (in red) and Becky in blue singing karaoke like we do every Thursday night. It is the worst night food wise for me not because I over eat or eat bad food, but because I don't get to eat enough (though I try) and I spend the night drinking diet soda. It is a lot of fun though, and I wouldn't give it up for the world.

I did go to the gym today, and I took it a little easy today as I am having some pain in my left leg, and my left hip. I did a full circuit, but shortened my cardio.

Sorry this is so short but its pretty late and I have a long day tomorrow...and it is snowing.

Today:
1 cup chili mac: 4
1 slice cheese: 1
2 breakfast burritos (home made):
2 whole wheat tortillas: 4
2 veggie burgers: 4
2 servings shredded potatoes: 2
2 jalapenos: 0
1 serving american cheese: 2
1 serving salsa: 0
1 serving ranch dressing: 2
extra point for extra serving: 1
1 cup grapes: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving buffalo chicken: 5
1 serving sweet potato fries: 4
1 package low fat cupcakes: 2
33/42

Also, I got all of your wonderful comments. It feels really good to know that there are people out there doing the same thing I am and that you are are watching me. I'm not the inspiration, you are.

Day 142

The picture of me with the other girl is from New Orleans earlier this year. I can get the same scale of course, but this is one of the most embarrassing pictures of myself that I have. Yeah, I was happy in the moment, but just looking at this picture makes me want to cry. The first and second pictures are from tonight. I still have so far to go, and to be fair to myself I have nice big boobs which always make the effect of weight loss less dramatic from the front, but even I feel like there is a difference here. The thing is, when I was in NOLA I wasn't sure what I weighed. It could have been more than 417.8, but this is the most tell tale photo of myself that I have. There are more from that day and if anyone wants to see them I can show them, I just didn't want to crowd the page.

I accomplished some things this week so far. I have been eating better, and getting in a lot more water. I also started measuring my food out again, I think this in particular is going to be a big thing. I'm sure I was over estimating my portions. The veggies are a small issue right now as well are at the end of our groceries. I go out shopping once a week on Sunday after my meeting. Today though, I finally made it to the gym, and I did an hour on the tread mill, for 2.63 miles. No circuit today, but I might be able to do two days back to back, or just tomorrow and then Monday and so on as usual. My intention is to get completely back on track within the next week.

Now, this is just speculation, because my scale is so temperamental, but today when I stepped on it (and I know I shouldn't, I should ALWAYS wait for Sunday, but I was so curious.) and it said 355...which is 6 pounds less than I was on Sunday. This is not to say I will be 355 on Sunday. I was topless when I weighed myself this morning so I'm sure its off anyway but its a little boost filled with hope. Honestly? I needed that.

So yeah, onto today and food. We are coming down to the end of our groceries (and I am finally out of frozen meals YAY) and no one cooked tonight so I had a very boring food day with not enough veggies. I was also out of the house (at karaoke) from 8 until 2am so my points are a touch short. I'm okay with that though. I'd rather be under points than under the weight of bar food.

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim: 1
1/2 banana: 1
1 yogurt: 2
4oz spaghetti: 3
1/2 cup sauce: 2
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving crackers: 2
1 ww panini: 6
4oz spaghetti: 3
1/2 cup sauce: 2
1 serving ff cheddar: 1
2 eggs: 5 (extra point for extra serving)
2 slices lunch meat: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
34/43

Day 136

So I have to go push progress pictures back by one day. I had a horrible day today and it was only saved by my husband's suggestion that we go and see a movie we had both previously wanted to see, but thought we had missed. Avatar was seriously amazing.

I was out all day with my mom, and I didn't get a chance to eat until around 3, and then I ate again around 6 and I tried to get in one more quick meal once I realized we were going to the movies. That put me at 17 points, with 26 left to go. At the movies Chad and I shared their burger combo thing. The whole thing is four very small (and most likely microwaved) burgers with a small order of french fries. This is not the best way to spend my points! We also had some popcorn, and I will be paying for all of that salt in the morning. I dont know exactly what the points should be, but I am using ww online and calorie king for help in my estimations.

I have another very busy day tomorrow. I have a big meeting to go to and several small social scenes that I need to make an appearance at. Once a year I (and many friends) volunteer at a local convention in downtown Baltimore. I supervise a live and silent auction and an art gallery. For 5 days it is physically the hardest thing I do all year. Hopefully this year will be easier on me!

I also took my first active pill in my new pack tonight, so hopefully this means goodbye to the monthly slasher. I'll be able to move at more than a slugs pace, and able to sit on those strength machines without worry again. Soon.

Today on the run quite literally (and this is so sad):
1 ww frozen meal: 7
1 serving spaghetti with sauce and veggies: 6
1 ww frozen meal: 4
1/2 order french fries: 5
2 small cheese burgers: 10
popcorn: 10 (I know it is an over estimation, but I want to be careful here.)
42/43

I know, tomorrow will be better! Then Sunday is weigh in!

Day 135

Okay, so today was not one of those days that I would call a good diet day. No gym today, or really any vigorous movement because it is just that uncomfortable. I've come to this conclusion: When I have my period I am going to do what I can and not kill myself over the rest. The fact of the matter is that every time I exercise when I'm bleeding (please excuse the TMI, it is relevant) I ruin some piece of clothing. Every single time. It is also incredibly uncomfortable both physically and mentally. I'm all for pushing myself, but then on weeks like this (it isn't always this bad) I wind up feeling like I have failed somehow, when honestly I'm still kicking arse. Now, I still have a card up my sleeve here. I bought something tonight that I haven't tried since I was 13, that I am going to try tomorrow. Hopefully I'll feel secure enough to do more than housework!

However today was really good for me mentally. I woke up feeling down on myself, but by then end of the evening I was feeling a lot better about where I am.

Now for the bad. I am only at 26 points for the day...out of 43. This of course is not the end of the world and I still managed to get in 4 serving of veggies in just those points. I was distracted and uncomfortable for most of the day, and by the time I remembered food I was past my 2am deadline. I ate though because at that point I was only at 10! I know, bad me! I don't see it as a complete bad thing though. As I have said before, it used to be that I would get distracted and eat and eat...now I forget which reminds me again of how food isnt the top priority in my life anymore That makes me incredibly happy.

I'm going to take and post some progress pics tomorrow night so stay tuned!

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 can soup: 5
1 serving crackers: 2
2 servings spaghetti with sauce, veggies and cheese: 16
26/43

Edit: I get to add 6 points for homemade hot chocolate with pink heart shaped marshmallows. So 32/43.

Sticking with it, even when a week doesn't go as planned!

Day 129

I am updating early tonight so that I can hang out with my husband for a while. I might convince him to see a midnight movie...

I have received 2 awards over the last few days, one of which I got from 2 people! Patsy and Christina. Thanks guys! I am honored beyond words. I have been sticking with this despite the fact that I am/was struggling. I'm pretty proud of myself here. For the sake of length I am going to copy Patsy and make up my own rules here. For the beautiful blogger award you are supposed to tell 7 interesting things or secrets about yourself, and nominate 7 people, and for the Happy 101 award you are supposed to talk about 10 things you love, and then nominate 10 people. I am going to do the Happy 101 thing because I haven't done it before...and I get to nominate more blogs.

1. My husband. We will be married for 3 years come this October. The first time I ever saw him I was 12 years old and I knew then that there was something special about him. I love him more than I ever thought I could love anyone or anything.
2. My family. I love my whole family but my mom, my brother and my grandparents were my world for the longest time. My grandparents are gone now, but I'm going to be living with my mother and brother again soon. They need help with bills.
3. My friends! Who are so much my extended and sometimes immediate family. They have pulled me through so much crap.
4. My animals. I have more cats than I think most people ever have in their entire life, and 3 big snot nosed labs (2 mixed, all rescues). I think people should be more responsible with their animals!
5. Movies. I used to work at a video rental store. My friends and I worked all of the time and then on our days off we would go and spend the day at the movies.
6. Singing. I grew up in a family of singers and I have very limited vocal training. I find singing to be relaxing. It helps me to clear my mind. My zen time.
7. Music. I know this one goes hand in hand with the one above, but I use music for everything from cooking to exercising!
8. Cooking. This has become quite a passion for me.
9. Reading. Though I will be honest. My anxiety has kept me from being able to finish a good book for a while.
10. Sleep! Self explanatory...

I am giving both awards to (Sorry about the links only thing. Usually I wouldn't do that.):
http://100in12.blogspot.com/
http://greggorob64.blogspot.com/
http://yvettesmetamorphosis.blogspot.com/
http://katiejweightlossjourney.blogspot.com/
http://justcallmefat.webs.com/apps/blog/
http://thefatchickweigh.blogspot.com/
http://adauntingtaleofscalewarfare.com/
http://mmai-shellyd.blogspot.com/
http://funfitandfabulicious.blogspot.com/
http://amerrylife.com/

Onto the regular day! This part will be short because the rest was so long!

I went to the gym today for the 4th day in a row! It was a cardio only day so I did my whole hour at 2.6. That was actually quite exhausting, but I'm glad I increased the speed. I manged to do 2.61 miles in 60 minutes. I have come so far from not being able to finish 30 minutes at 1.5 mph.

My food was a little better today, but I am way under my points. I have been a little distracted I think.

Today:
Spaghetti with sauce (large serving measured): 8
1 yogurt: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving chicken and sugar snap pea stir fried with rice noodles and peanut sauce: 9
26/43
Leftover: 17

I am going to have some popcorn at the movie though so I wont be too far under by the end of the night!

Day 102

Back to the doctor today. They took blood and urine, and examined my stomach. Honestly I hate doctors visits, but I am so uncomfortable and miserable I decided it was best. If they could help me at all I wanted to know. They said it most likely isn't my gall bladder (yay) and that I will have to wait it out. They did give me something for my heart burn though, which I can take in the morning. He also told me to supplement with more fiber.

So this is going to be a short post because I want to try and go to bed or at least get comfortable. We are expecting 2 feet of snow here in Baltimore over the next day or so, we are babysitting and I'm not going anywhere.

Today:
1 grilled chicken sandwich: 5
w sauce: 3
1/2 milkshake: 9
1 slice pizza: 7
1/2 subway sub: 5
w cheese: 1
w light mayo: 1
1 serving sunchips: 4
Total for the Day: 35/43

Day 100

Today is Day 100! I am now celebrating the strongest commitment to weight loss that I have ever made. I made my first weight loss post here in August of this year. I called it Day Zero. I felt inspired by other bloggers and needed a support group that wasn't so involved in my day to day life. I had been hopeless, I had given up. I said I felt like a sapling planted in red clay. My body wasn't responding to any of my needs let alone wants. I couldn't aspire to anything. I was depleted of spirit. Even when I was trying, an off day was enough to make me give up. I think I had just finally had it. I needed a break from the mentality I was in, and I needed to find something that would make me want to hold on for dear life through those stumbles that I knew were going to come around eventually. Day 1 didn't happen until a month later when on a whim I decided to try Weight Watchers with my room mates. It was a golden opportunity, as it is very hard to be the only person dieting in a house of 6 people. By day 2 I knew I wanted to go to actual meetings. I struggled a bit at first with some of the new techniques involved with WW but eventually found that the program really works for me. I started exercising and before the 1st week was out, I had made it to the gym.

I found myself being incredibly honest about myself and some of the very personal aspects of weighing 417lbs, and instead of being embarrassed I found myself enlightened. My sense of self started to change and with it so did some of the aspects of this journey to lose 252lbs. I started feeling that sense of hope as the pounds and inches started coming off and the non scale victories came to the surface. Is everything easy now? No, but I am building habits that are making it easier to cope with and easier to succeed. The biggest change is that more than ever before, I actually want to make it to maintenance.

By the end of week two I had suffered a terrible loss. My grandfather who essentially raised me, passed away very suddenly. I actually do not know how I found the strength to contend with this journey, and that loss at the same time. I felt, and still feel very broken by it, and there is a part of me that I'm sure always will. I did continue though. By Sunday December 6th I had lost 44.2lbs, in just 13 weeks (Not counting the week before I started meetings when I didn't know what I weighed, and not counting this week as it was a different scale.). I have gone from someone who should have been in a size 34 to someone who can now take off their size 28's without unbuttoning them. I have gone from the woman on the bench to the woman coming in from behind. I'm still the underdog, but it's my show now! I feel better, and I feel different, and I feel like I am on the right path. I made a goal of 20-25 lbs lost by January 1st of this year and depending on this Sunday coming I really believe I am going to make it, on that day I won't celebrate with food though, as I have so often in the past. No, I am going to celebrate by setting another short term goal.

I know this is all long and disorganized but the over all journey has been an education to say the least. I am learning things about myself and the people around me. I'm learning that the world is different when you are losing weight or have lost weight. I've learned that I'm not worthless, or ugly even though sometimes I still struggle with wanting to believe that I believe because it's easier. I'm learning that self control and moderation are in fact well woven with the core meaning of learning to love myself. I have learned that my current limitations are temporary, and that I can beat them. I am learning that I don't need anyone else to do this with me. I gained 252 pounds all by myself, and while company along the way is welcome and even wished for I am learning that not having that isn't a reason to give up. I have learned that even just a little loss is enough, and that a mistep isnt failure and no reason to jump ship. I will win the whole war this time, mark my words. Even if I from here on out the battles become prolonged, I'm going to kick ass out there on the field in every single one. I am learning what it takes to actually be free, and the thing that makes me want to hold on for dear life through even the worst of times? Me.

I'm celebrating today, but the real deal comes tomorrow. I made it to the milestone, now back to the grind. The parade moves on!

Today has been better. I did get more points in, and healthier points I believe. I also tried making dinner. Thank goodness a roommate was around. Not only is my stomach still in painful revolt, but the smell of the food was bringing me pretty close to wretching. Tomorrow the goal is, get up, try it again, and laundry. I'd like to get to the gym, but I'm pretty sure that I really hurt my stomach muscles (as they are so very sore, sleeping on my belly was NOT an option until this afternoon) with coughing and mostly with trying so very frantically to pass that trapped gas on Saturday and Sunday. I'm trying to keep it light and easy right now. I'm getting better finally thought! I'm so excited I could cry for joy!

Today:
1 large salad (spinach, broc, caulif, pickles, carrots, 1/2 egg, jalapenos, bell peppers, chick peas, tomatoes, salad top, and 1 serving light ranch): 5
1 can soup: 7
1 serving light american cheese: 2
1 serving ched rice crisps: 2
1 1/2 cups cooked spaghetti: 6
1 cup homemade sauce: 6
Later smaller serving:
1 cup spaghetti: 4
1/2 cup sauce: 3
1 serving light american cheese: 2
1 yogurt: 2
Total for the Day: 39/43!

I'm only 4 off despite another bad stomach day!

Day 99

So this should be the last of the early in the evening posts. I'm getting the havoc that being sick brought onto my sleeping schedule taken care of. Hopefully today was the last of the completely horrible days.

I woke up this morning with hives on my face. Yep. I am allergic to the meds I was prescribed. So a few hours later I had new meds and more nausea. My stomach discomfort is one of the last actually debilitating things I am facing here. I'm having a hard time getting my points in (and higher point foods are what gave me my trapped gas in the first place I believe so I'm being gentle with those right now) and now my room mate is getting sick so there are no cooks in my house!

Tomorrow though I am going to get my butt up regardless and make dinner. I'm going to try a homemade spaghetti sauce. Nothing gourmet, but I forgot to buy some so...

I hope none of you think that I am happy about how I lost weight this week. I was jokingly looking for a silver lining when I said that there was always a bright side, but Retta is correct. What a hard way to earn it. I would much rather feel better and be able to get up and get some cardio in. I would love to be able to eat all of my points and not feel the need to sit next to the toilet all night. So no, I am not happy about how I lost weight, but am I happy that I did? You betcha.

Here is to a normal day at some point soon!

Today:
1 foot long turkey breast sub from subway (eaten at 3 different times during the day. I knew I wasn't going to be up to making myself food throughout the day so I got something when I was out this morning picking up my new meds. I think it was a smart move.): 10
w/cheese: 2
w/ light mayo: 2
1 baked potato w cheese: 7
1 serving bbq chicken: 13
1 serving ice cream: 3
Total for the Day: 37/43

I'm getting better! I might make it to 43 tonight. Hopefully tomorrow I can start eating more regularly with better choices.

Oh, and I had an NSV today. I am so used to taking my pants off without unbuttoning them anymore because they are way too big for me. After doing that today, I realized I was wearing my size 28's!

Day 98

I am updating early tonight because I always feel worse in the evening and I'm not sure I'm going to be up to updating later as I haven't slept since Friday night.

Today after my fever spiked again I called and got a "day of" appointment with my doctor. I have a severe sinus infection which she said is causing my fevers, seeming congestion, cough and possibly tummy discomfort. She gave me a strong antibiotic and a tetanus shot (totally didn't see that coming) and set me up with an appointment for blood work and a physical. I like her, she's clever...

Now I do have some news, but its a mixed kind of thing. I was weighed at the doctors office today as a part of routine. The scale is different, and not my meeting scale so I don't know if these numbers will hold, and I know that a lot of this has to do with the fact that I have been sick and ate practically nothing yesterday. That being said the doctors scale said that I weighed 364lbs. That, if it held until at least next week, would be a loss of 9.6lbs, and a total loss of 53.8. We will see.

There is always a bright side eh?

Today:
1/3 of a can of 1pt soup: 1
1/2 serving fat free cheddar: 1
1 baked potato with cheese (because they don't seem to make me want to vomit): 7
1 1/2 servings chili: 6
1 serving sw baked ziti: 8
1/3 nutella and jam sandwich: 2
Total for the Day: 25/43

Yeah I know the numbers aren't fantastic right now, but my stomach is still in staunch protest of most food items right now, including liquids. I'm working on it.

Day 97

So needless to say I did not make it to the meeting this morning. I was so ill last night that I was unable to get comfortable enough to fall asleep until after 7am and I was only able to sleep for two hours after that. I slept on and off constantly throughout the day until around 9pm when I woke up to find that most of the discomfort was gone! I was so relieved that I cried! I have some discomfort now but it isn't what it was, and I think I might be hungry for the first time all day.

I'm still sick, I've been sick with a cough and a slight fever (except for yesterday) and a bit of a runny nose, but it was the trapped gas that really put me out of commission. I would tell you what I ate today, but I think my points total is about 3 with a half a serving of fit active crackers and a yogurt. My husband is out getting me a baked potato though. I just could not eat today.

So now I will be back to update both days for food, after finally getting some.


Today:
1/2 pack fit active cookies: 1
1 yogurt: 2
1 baked potato with cheese: 7
1 serving buffalo chicken: 13
popcorn: 4
Total for the Day: 27/44

Day 89

11 days until 100! This has been a strange day. I feel much better emotionally but I don't think I am going to do well tomorrow at weigh in. It is going to take a whole lot of will, but I am still going to go and face that scale tomorrow. Ugh, I hate feeling this way! I know that I wont lose every single week, but I can't help wanting to. I also know that gaining one week out of so many doesn't say anything about my effort or my self worth but I feel like they are so connected! Facing the scale even when I have had a good feeling week is hard. Feeling like I'm already doomed is the worst.

I'll perk up though, soon enough. I have a lot to do this month. The only day next week that I wont make it to the gym is going to be Wednesday as I am co-hosting a party. My goal for next Sunday's weigh in: 4lbs! Wish me luck for tomorrow anyway!

Today:
1 cup cooked oatmeal: 2
1/2 cup blueberries: 1
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 bag light popcorn: 5
1 char-grilled chicken salad from Chick-fil-a: 5
1 serving fat free honey mustard: 1
1 char-grilled chicken sandwich: 5
1/2 serving bbq sauce: 1
1/2 small peppermint chocolate chip milk shake: 8
Total for the Day: 29/44
Leftover: 15

Actually I think I made better food choices today, so that's one thing. I'm also not terribly upset about the leftover points as it doesn't happen very often anymore.

Day 79

So I just finished prepping the stuff I am cooking tomorrow, and cooking what I could today. It is now 3am, and I have to be at the hall we rented by 8am. As such this is going to be the shortest post ever. I did not make it to my points total today, but I'm not terribly worried about it. I have been making it most every day these days.

I will update tomorrow even though it is a Holiday, but it will be pretty late.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 ww yogurt: 1
bites Alex's lunch: 1
1 bag light popcorn: 5
1 grilled chicken sandwich: 7
1 serving bbq: 1
1 baked potato w/ cheese: 6
1 small chili: 4
Total for the Day: 28/44
Leftover: 16

Day 63

This entry is going to be badly organized. I'm trying to get at my feelings about this weekend here.

Okay lets start with this: I have come to terms with the fact that I went over my points this week for the first time ever. I don't feel good about it, but I'm doing my best not to beat myself up over here. Second, despite Sunday night I stayed within my points all weekend, in fact I had 28 extra points leftover on Sunday morning. This weekend was a giant test for me, and while I dont think I failed nessesarily I do think that I can now easily identify my weaknesses here.

1. When I get that tired, I get that lazy. I start going for the easy foods, and not the right foods.
2. I am highly suggestible when it comes to food. If I am trying really hard to imagine that the fast food salad (stuck in convention center) I am about to order could actually taste good, someone else suggesting that a couple slices of pizza or some mashed potatoes wouldn't wreck my points is enough to send me in the wrong direction.
3. Again, repeated from weeks ago: When I am distracted I don't eat enough. I am also more likely to not think as much about what I am eating.
4. I let stress get the best of me constantly. I am planning to address this most assiduously in the upcoming weeks.
5. I have been tired constantly for the last week or so and I am finding its really very hard to be motivated right now.

Thinking back on this weekend the only time I can think of that I actually honestly ate en masse was Sunday.

I feel good about my progress so far, and I feel really good about where my head is here. I feel so different. Yes, I messed up and I stumbled a bit, but I did not fall off. I want to keep going. I still need this more than anything I have ever needed before. I have all of these amazing reasons to keep going despite being tired or worn or stressed. Sometimes it is really hard to convince myself that I want to do what I know is best.

I am still working on myself. I'm still figuring me out. There are so many facets to this journey. I can lose pounds, but I have to continue to uncover the reasons I put them on and kept them on. I have to gingerly uncover the damage this weight has done, not so much to my body, but to my mind and my heart as well. I want to be healthy as a whole person, and not fragmented.

This past weekend I was able to wear a seatbelt in the back seat of a friends car. I haven't been able to do that in over a year and half (I cant remember any further back). In fact, in March of this year we installed a seat belt extender in the back of the car we drove down to New Orleans so that I could rest in back when I wasn't driving. I can put it on by myself, without help. Its tight, its very snug, but it fits me.

I didn't weigh in this week. My decision is to wait until this Sunday and my meeting. I don't want to get on a different scale and then wonder all week what the difference is going to be. I also don't want to discourage myself if I gained something insubstantial in the 3 days that I was gone.

I am still here, doing my best. Sometimes I'm not at the top of my game and sometimes I'm out in front. This is life. No one gets to sprint though potential storms. I just want to bear them out and influence the erosion of my fortress in the process.

It killed me to not be able to blog while I was gone. That is such an integral part of this journey for me, it provides me with inspiration and strength. I don't think I would do so well without it for a prolonged period of time.

I am strong, capable and motivated! Most importantly, I know when I need help and when to ask for it.

Today:
1 serving pasta bake: 5
1 can soup: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving rice crisps: 2
yogurt parfait: 2
1 ww muffin: 3
1 banana: 2
1 serving pasta bake: 5
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 skinny cow ice cream: 2
1 serving bbq soy crisps: 2
Total for the Day: 33/44
Leftover: 11

I know I am under, but I am getting back to my rules here and its after 2am. I am not hungry, and I'm not trying to make up for Sunday. Today was just so busy. I will do better!

Oh, and I need to get to the gym this week, and next week and forever. I have been having a really hard time getting the motivation or energy up to go recently. This is important! I need all of the parts to make this work!

Step 1: Going to bed early tonight...

Day 58

No cat yet. My friend and her baby are doing better so far though, hopefully they will be out of the hospital by Friday.

I have been dealing with a lot of stress this week and have been too busy to go to the gym. To make matters worse I feel like I twisted my knee somehow the day before yesterday. I'm not sedentary by any means. I am still up and going and going and going and so on.

I had a moment today where I almost let everything go and ran screaming to the nearest buffet. I was sitting there after checking empty cat traps, and listening to my friends daughter (I have been babysitting while she is in the hospital) chatter on about gold fish and I just felt the darkness creeping in. I felt rather blasé and disconnected today. I guess this was a "not feeling it" day Retta? I haven't been sleeping well, and I was hungry too, which made it worse. I felt so weak in the face of this battle today, but I didn't fold. I came in at 6 points under, but I didn't quit, and I didn't give in to my emotional terrorism. I'm trying to get to a point where even when I feel like it doesn't matter, I make the right choice anyway. This point also includes being able to make the wrong choice occasionally and still maintain my weight and my attitude. I want to be happy, healthy and stable.

I have another full day tomorrow. I will make it though! I have been so good and so faithful to myself and this journey, I just need to keep my eyes on the prize (my life) and enjoy the mini benefits (NSV's) along the way. I want this so badly, and I know I can keep this up, I need to keep this up. So I will.

Today:
Oatmeal: 2
blueberries: 1
1/8th cup skim milk: 1
4 french fries: 1
1 huge salad all green: 0
1/8th cup chick peas: 1
1 serving dressing: 2
1 serving bbq soy crisps: 2
1 can soup: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
2 mini ww cheese steaks: 8
1 serving potatoes au gratin: 4
2 servings spicy sw mustard: 3
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 light angel food cake: 1
1 serving ice cream: 2
Total for the Day: 38/44
Leftover: 6/44

I am under, but like I said, I'm still here and I didn't eat the wrong things. Every single day is another step forward and another inch won back. This is it.

Day 56

Oh, but today was a long one. I spent 10 hours today trying to track down a missing cat unsuccessfully (called dogsfindingdogs, and they are coming tomorrow, please wish us luck, so that we can bring Jack home to his Momma!). Then I ran over to the hospital where one of my best friends was having a crisis with her 3 month old. They are alright. Needless to say, I wasn't good to myself today. I don't know how to draw my line yet. I did not go over my points: good day. I did not get in enough veggies: bad day. I did over 2 miles today including the gym (and I completed my circuit): good day. I broke my no eating after 2am rule: bad day. I broke my rule because at 1am I so few points eaten. I have just been really distracted, which I know isn't good enough, but I cant fret about it. I need to learn from it. I am never prepared for chaos. Also, I find that when I am highly distracted doing something I am deeply passionate about (cat rescue) I completely forget hunger. I need to get up, or just downstairs 15 minutes earlier on days like today so that I can pack a quick lunch and a snack, and I need to eat breakfast before I leave the house. I've never made enough time for myself, and I guess that it qualifies as "being good to myself". So I have my first be good aspiration: I want to make sure that I give myself enough time to have a day I wont worry about. This is a big one for me, as I don't recall ever doing this before. Time management has never been my forte.

Today:
1/2 Chili lime salad - 5
1 serving french onion soup au gratin: 4
1 serving ranch rice quakes: 2
2 servings cheesy chili mac: 11
2 servings ww cheese: 5
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 full serving nutella: 4
1 serving raspberry jam: 1
Total for the Day: 34/44
Leftover: 10

I know! I am having a critical time getting my points in this week. Tomorrow I will be more aware of my totals, and my food groups, especially veggies.

Also, just so everyone knows, I will be out of town from Friday to Sunday evening. I will try and make sure I can update every day, but I'm really worried about missing my Sunday meeting! Any suggestions? Should I call my leader and tell her I'm not going to be there? Should I pack my scale?

Day 47

Today was a pretty relaxing day. I went to the gym with my mom and did my two miles and my full circuit. When I came home I was able to relax with Chad for a few hours while playing Left 4 Dead, and then I made dinner. I had a very uneventful day! I don't know what tomorrow is going to be like though. I have my weigh in and meeting at 9am, and then I am supposed to be going to the Renaissance Festival with everyone. It is the last weekend. I'm not worried about the food there at all, but I know someone will want to go to dinner afterward. I just have to not give in to old temptations. I love the faire, but I worked there for so long that it just feels like a giant open air mall to me anymore. So much for all of the glitter eh?

Eek! Weigh in tomorrow! I'm nervous because there are a few wild cards this week, but I feel positive. I don't want a gain, but if it is a gain I am not going to give up. I'm going to just try and go forward. I'm sure you all get really tired of hearing this, but I feel like I have to prep myself for any outcome so that I can get over it without a bunch of drama. Yeah, I can be a touch dramatic.

Anyway, I do have my weigh in tomorrow, so I'm just going to ask you all to cross your fingers for me. :)

Today:
Oatmeal: 2
1/2 cup blue berries: 1
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 granola bar: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
Huge salad:
2 cups spinach/lettuce mix: 1
1 bell pepper ring: 0
2 cups broccoli and cauliflower mixed: 1
1/2 hard boiled egg: 1
1/4 cup garbanzo beans: 1
1/4 cup diced tomato: 0
1/4 cup fat free cheese: 1
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving jalapenos: 0
1 serving light ranch: 2
3 oz lean steak: 3
8 oz bell pepper strips: 1
1/8 cup teriyaki sauce: 1
Huge salad (same as above): 7
extra serving pickles: 1
extra serving dressing: 3
1 cup ice cream: 5
Total for the day: 37/44
Leftover: 7

Not fretting, I have gotten in most of my points this week, and I totally annihilated my weeklies. Um, I definitely got my veggies in today though...

Day 39

So, as you all know, I have been feeling so exhausted this week, and while I feel better recently, the gym seriously kicked my butt today. Today was a circuit day, and I tried to start my cardio with the bike, as I had mentioned that I wanted to try and change up some of the monotony. I am so not ready for the bike. At 2 minutes I was hurting in a bad way. You know what I mean, when your muscles are sore its really okay for the most part, but I was in so much pain at 2 minutes that I had to pause. I did 4 minutes total and then got off to go do the treadmill. I figure I can do baby steps with the bike. Tomorrow I will do 4 more minutes, and then maybe Monday I'll be able to do 5. I then did a mile on the treadmill, and I was supposed to do another mile to finish, but I just didn't have it in me. I made it to another half a mile before I gave in. I'm still pretty proud of my showings though. Six months ago it took me over an hour to walk a mile. Today it takes me 25 minutes. When I started this, I could only do 3/4ths of a mile consistently. Today I can do two. Today I can walk through a grocery store without needing to sit down every 20 minutes or so, and I can keep up with my husbands leisurely walk.

When this started I could walk, but I had so much trouble. It's hard to admit to being the close to seriously handicapped of your own accord. I couldn't do a lot of the house work I needed to be doing because I couldn't be on my feet that long, not to mention bending over or being on my knees for any length of time was a serious no can do. I tried to weed my garden once and couldn't walk for a few days after. That was a harsh wake up call, but I didn't heed it. My friends came to my rescue and put a beautiful garden in for me. I couldn't keep it up though. I just can not yet do the necessary weeding. So there is a new goal for me. I want to be able to do my own gardening!

I'm feeling a touch raw today. One of my room mates suggested that I was lazy because recently we have been paying my cousin (trying to stay clean, and needing to make money, long story) clean our house. I told him that I could not go to the gym every day and do everything else I need to do and clean my house the way it needed to be cleaned in my current condition. He told me it all came down to motivation. I'm sorry if any of you find violence to be abhorrent, but I wanted to blow up his head with my mind. He has no clue about how much it takes for me to push myself everyday. Mentally or physically. I mean, yeah, dont let your being obese get in the way of your life, but when it does, and you know you have come down to what is your last chance (and it is my last chance) you do what you need to do in order to live. Even when that means that some of your lesser responsibilities have to be put on hold. Dont ever let someone tell you that your place in life is more important than your health and happiness.

Anyway, that is my rant for the day. I didn't do too bad on food, I'm 5 points short for the day though. Argh. I have got to get better about getting the pacing on my days right. I could have gotten them in, but I'm not going to break my no eating after 2am rule!

Today:
1 granola bar: 1pts
1 serving gnocchi florentine: 8pts
1 serving cheese: 2pts
1 serving mixed veggies: 0pts
2 servings tofu shirataki noodles: 1pts
1 tbsp curry paste: 0pts
1/2 cup spaghetti sauce: 2pts
2 tbsp light cream: 2pts
1/2 serving cheese: 1pts
1/4th slice gluten free bread: 1pts
1 whole wheat bagel: 2pts
1 serving mozz. : 2pts
1/4th cup spaghetti sauce: 1pts
1 ww yogurt: 1pts
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken: 7 pts
1 cup rice: 4pts
1 skinny cow ice cream: 3pts
1 cup cherries: 1pts
Total for the Day: 39/44
Leftover: 5

Chad and I have been married for two years today, October 17, 2009. :) I love him more than words can say, and without him I know I wouldn't have the will to go on with this. He is my reason for...everything. I am blessed beyond belief to have him in my life.