Day 182, 183, 184

We are moved in! Actually we were moved in yesterday, but I didn't have any secure internet. We had to get that straightened out, and then also naturally we were busy. Sorry I haven't been here. Honestly my diet parade has suffered a little. First I was sick last week with that wicked migraine and couldn't go to the gym, and then I was moving. I'm not really going to beat myself up over it all though because its life. Life is never as smooth as we plan it. I could have gone to the gym tonight but it has been the first night we have been able to relax since we moved in. So we are relaxing. I also didnt start counting my point again until today.

So a short post tonight as a comeback because I want time with my husband who has worked his tail off, but I do have a food log (so far for the night) for you. I hope that everyone else is having a great week!

Today:
1 leftover turkey burger: 3
w/cheese: 1
1 serving sweet potato fries: 3
1 serving bbq sauce: 1
3oz chicken breast: 3
1 arnolds san thin: 1
1 serving pickles: 0
1/2 serving swwet potato fries: 2
1 leftover turkey burger: 3
w/ cheese: 1
1/2 serving cheddar rice crisps: 1
1 pudding: 1
1 orange: 1
21/41

Today was a leftover eating day! But it was all on plan leftovers. Dinner is going to be chinese pineapple chicken with rice and some green veggies.

Day 55

Weigh In Results: I lost 5.2lbs this week! Bringing my total to 32.6lbs!

The last few days have been hard on the diet. I haven't fallen off or anything, but I have been sorely tested. Halloween begins on the 30th for us, and ended about 4 hours ago. I have been asked several times this week about what I am going to do about the Holidays. Okay, so in the past I have never successfully made it though them. They always knock me off of the wagon. Thanksgiving comes around and I am solidly on my path until its time to start cooking. Then I am tasting, working and indulging right on through to the day after when we are using up the leftovers.

I recently read a post from a fellow blogger talking about how the Holidays are only a very small portion of the year. By the Holidays (with a capital H) I mean, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. If you want you can take it right on into New Years Eve. Said blogger was correct, these 4 days and nights are a very small fraction of the whole. They will not in of themselves cause you to gain a stunning amount of weight. The idea that you should just allow yourself to indulge in these festive times, and not stress about it is a good one... If you can control yourself. If you believe (honestly now, ask yourself, even if you don't like what your answer is.) that you can hop off of the wagon one day and jump back on the next without wrecking your progress with self sabotage and weeks on end of "I'll get back on tomorrow." If indulging wont make you feel bad about yourself. If you can handle it. If if if. I know it sounds grim, but for me it is. Is it possible that I could just do what I want for just 4 days out of the rest of the year and not experience the negative end of any of those "ifs"? Yeah, it is. However the idea that I might succumb to any one of them is enough to keep me on my toes. I have experienced every single one of those things, and I know myself well enough to know that I cant tell myself that I have "off days". It doesn't work for me. Not that it never will, but I'm not ready yet, and I'm not far enough into this to test my newly found resolve. I'm still forging that steel.

I survived Halloween. My plan for the second Holiday is in the works. Right now I have a rough outline. I am going to enjoy myself. I am going to enjoy my family and friends. I am going to eat a plate of Thanksgiving dinner, and sample some desserts. Nothing huge, no fireworks, or rebellion. I will be counting my points that day as best I can, and I will be reserving my weekly points for the day. We rented a hall, so I wont have a gazillion leftovers to contend with, and its potluck, so while I will be making a good amount of food, it wont be anything near what I'm usually tasked with.

Today at the meeting we were talking about how its really important to be good to yourself. Another woman there who has lost 75lbs was talking about how she needed to get back to being good to herself. The leader asked her what she was going to do to accomplish that, and there I was sitting there imagining all sorts of things. I thought she might say she needed more alone time, or that she was going to get herself a manicure every week, or have a night out with the girls, or kick her son out or something that had nothing to do with what she said. She said she was going to get back to tracking her food every day and eating better foods. Wow. Have you ever had an epiphany about something that should have be obvious? I suddenly realized that my idea of being good to myself was also tied up with food. Previously when I had experienced a hard day and needed to unwind and relax I would turn to food and sedentary activity in tandem. A few weeks ago when I first joined Weight Watchers I read the phrase "Be good to yourself" in one of their weekly books, and I passed it over never really grasping beyond my utilitarian definition or point of view. Now today suddenly, I also want to be good to myself. So take that diet demons!

Today:
Spinach: 0
chic peas: 2
1 egg: 2
4oz chicken breast: 4
2 servings (estimated, I was at salad creations, and I'm not sure of the exact measurement) fat free dressing: 5
bite Mom's chicken: 1
4 chicken wings: 10
sauce/seasoning/butter: 7 (also hopefully over estimating the butter)
1/2 serving light ranch: 1
1/2 cup sliced carrots: 0
1 skinny mocha latte (homemade): 3
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 egg: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 piece turkey bacon: 1
1 piece chicken sausage: 3
1 serving ketchup: 0
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 1/34
Leftover: 33/35

Well, I certainly made up for the previous short post...

Day 43

So I am having an issue here. I went out with my husband tonight as part of our week long celebration, and we had an amazing dinner at DuClaw. Now, I used almost all of my extra points tonight on that dinner. In fact, I planned to. we both had a great time, it isnt often that we go to really nice places like that because of our schedule. Tell me why now, at 2am I am flipping out about my points? I think the angst started to set in around midnight actually. I feel like I did something wrong! I didn't though. Weight Watchers gives you the extra points for nights out and oopsies and general splurges. I still followed most of my rules (except the know your points before you go thing, Duclaw has no info up, which makes me mad), and Chad and I took a short walk before bed. Other than that meal I did well today. Now I'm sitting here at 2am picking fights with my husband because I feel bad about myself. God, does the cycle ever end? I know it takes longer than 43 days, but will I ever feel different about food? Will I ever be able to look at food differently and not equate it with how I feel about myself?

So I'm going to try and let this go now. I'm so very glad I have this blog and that people actually read it because tonight you helped me. I was sorely tempted to come home and just go to bed and not update. Out the window with my accountability right? Then it would have been easy to never update and give in to the landslide side of this uphill battle. Crap. I can't give up. I just don't want to gain weight. Ever again. I know that almost no one goes through their journey with nothing but loss all of the time, but that doesn't mean it wont bother me. This week has been hard for me. My schedule is completely off, I've been missing the gym too. I don't feel like I've quit or anything, I feel like I need to be honest with myself and say its going to be hard to do this week. Hopefully I will get there tomorrow while my husband is helping his father with some work. I have to keep planning to, I cant let myself get used to the idea that I don't always have to go, because really, I do have to.

So I feel better now that I have gotten all of that off of my chest, I'm going to post the food list with the (hopefully overestimated using WW e-tools) points values attached. I'm calling my extra weekly points done until next Tuesday though, just in case I was off.

Today:
1 serving Kashi Sunshine: 1
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 slice bread: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
DuClaw:
1/2 crab pretzel appetizer: 20
1/2 beer: 3
BBQ Beef Brisket Sandwich (removed bread and estimated at 8oz of beef): 26
1 plain baked potato (large): 4
1/2 brownie dessert: 6
1/2 medium popcorn (3 hours later at movies): 6
Home:
1 small spinach salad: 2
1 light yogurt: 2
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 32/35 extra points
Leftover: Nothing!

I'm not trying to beat myself up, I'm just trying to air it all out so I can more forward and stop fretting about a having had a great time. I'm going to face that scale Sunday regardless.

2nd celebration day down, and thank goodness the rest don't have much to do with food!

Day 15

Another post! Keeping up with accountability. That is so important to me, even right now. I want to be honest, or as honest as I can be. It helps me. I dont feel like I've fallen off of the wagon so to speak so I wont have to get back into the mind set when the maelstrom passes. I still haven't really cheated anyway. I haven't used anymore of my extra points and I'm still writing down everything I eat. I still want to get there guys, I'm still getting there. I'm not being very healthy right now, but I'm trying to be moderate even as I want to binge with almost every fiber of my being. To numb myself with food and hate myself viciously later. Ahh, cycles. I wont do it this time. I am having my comfort food, but I am not going over board. I might not be eating enough, but like I said last night: It's kindof a fight to keep anything down at the moment.

Today:
1 small mocha latte from starbucks: 3pts
1/2 Cheese steak sub w/ mayo: 20pts (this is an (hopefully) over estimation made using calorieking.com, so is everything below)
1 small order of french fries w/ gravy: 13pts
1 12oz diet pepsi: 0pts
Total for the Day: 36/44 pts
Leftover: 8pts

And again, really, I'm not upset about this. Tomorrow is the last day of all of the proceedings surrounding the funeral. The wake afterwards is at my Aunt Hellen's house. There will be a TON of food there. Tomorrow is the last day of non planned eating. Hopefully I'll be strong enough to keep some self control.

Thursday is back to the gym. I usually skip days between but this week I want to go Thursday, Friday and Saturday morning. Hopefully that will get me more motivated to move on, and help keep my mind off of the way that I feel. I really appreciate the support I am recieveing. You have no idea how nice it is to feel like people arent giving up on you because of a bad week. I need that, and I am so grateful.

Day 1

This is what a single cup of spaghetti with a half a cup of sauce and 5 meatballs looks like!

For real!

It took me almost a month to get here. I had a few hurdles to overcome. I've been in some severe back pain recently (now leg pain, it feels like the sciatic nerve) which has been eating away at my sleep, and our lives were pretty hectic, still are. I'm so excited right now. I always am when I first get started, and this time is worse. My WHOLE house is doing Weight Watchers. We cant afford the meetings yet, but a friend gave us all of the tools needed to get started including the points counters and books. My points added up to 48, but the book said if it was higher than 44 to keep it to 44, so 44 points for me! Its harder than it looks folks! Serving sizes have always been an issue for me, as well as eating when I have nothing better to do.

Today I ate at a sushi buffet. It was a grief meal. We had just put our dog Rev to sleep this morning (he had bone cancer and an infection and couldn't walk anymore...it was time.), and I had forgotten that we were starting today, so before I remembered I had eaten 17 points! Probably less actually, but I am over estimating to be safe. Later in the evening Nadine brought me home a chai bubble tea worth 5 more points, and for dinner I had spaghetti and meatballs worth a total of 15 points. I still have 7 points left! Not bad for a first day and screwing up right? Later, after Chad gets a little more downtime in he and I are going to take a walk. Despite how bad my leg feels right now I want to move (I told y0u...excited).

I need to work on my water intake (3 x 12oz glasses today) and lowering my diet soda intake, and I need to remember to take my vitamin everyday (and to have Chad take his). I also need to work on eating better through out the day. Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner! Not two meals! 3!

Today:
Sushi Buffet mishap: 17pts
Chai Bubble Tea: 5pts
1 cup cooked Spaghetti: 8pts
1/2 cup Sauce: 1pts
6 Meatballs: 6pts
no sugar added Rice pudding: 1pts
Total for the day: 38/44pts
Left: 6pts

Oh God, please carry me through this, I will try as hard as I can, but get me through when I'm weak. Please.