Day 250

Two hundred and fifty days. That is a long time for me. It is the longest I've ever kept at loosing weight before in my life. As a reward I'm given the most weight I've ever lost before, and a whole boatload of non scale victories such as: walking without pain. I wont say I've spent 250 days on plan. That would not be true, and at this point while I do not think its impossible to do, I do think its an awfully high bar to set for someone who really wants to get through the day/week/month/year. If it broke my stride to have an off day every once in a while I would not be here typing this right now. I would have given up a long time ago. I want everyone to remember that. Remember that goals are things to aspire to, and not be defeated by. Tony posted that May was a bad month for dieters, and while I don't know as much he may well be right. We do tend to lose focus and drive when we realize that things are not progressing as quickly or as well as we want them to. I will give you the one thing I know (I think, don't be mad at me for making this statement!) works for every dieter I know: Keep going. Do not stop for missteps or mistakes or for days off. Keep going even when you really really don't want to. Never stop telling yourself that you are on a diet (or whatever you want to call it) because the moment you do you are setting yourself up for quitting.

I know I keep pushing the above point, but it really is what is making the difference to me right now. It is what separates this journey from all of the other little walks I've taken toward the same outcome.

I realized another NSV today! My husband bought me a pair of jeans (that I wanted so badly) two years ago from a certain store for Christmas. They are a size 26, cut very small. I have been wearing some 26's for a while and unable to get these pants up over my thighs. Tonight while getting dressed to go out I tried them on again and not only do they fit, I can take them off without unbuttoning them!

Tomorrow is weigh in and I am finally dragging a friend to the meeting! Wish me luck!

Day 244

This is my post for Sunday! I lost 3.6 lbs! Bringing my total loss so far to 86.8 lbs and my current weight to 331.

Am I always doom and gloom? I woke up on time on Sunday morning despite having a late night and trudged dutifully to my WW meeting. On the way there I went over all of the positive changes that I was trying to make this week. I believe the reinvigoration challenge was a success. I feel better. There are still some things I really need to straighten out. My food has been a challenge in the last week, but I kept that in mind while grocery shopping after the meeting. My exercise is definitely better. Today is my birthday (I'm 27) and my gym clothes are now in the dryer. I am in fact going to work out today.

I'm proud of myself for knowing what my mental outcome would be before I stepped on the scale.

Spring Challenge update tonight!

Day 238

Remember yesterday when I said I would paint myself in positivity? My laptop wont turn on, and I am so upset about it that I honestly want to throw up. I know that sounds stupid, but it took me a long time to pay for it, and I have this immense fear that I will not be able to replace it. I have a warranty and HP is sending me a box, but it got something splashed on it and I'm not covered for accidental damage. I don't know if it was the splash, but I can guess.

I want to go ahead with being positive, but I feel like I cant catch a break here.

I don't have a weigh in for you for the first time in a while. My husband and I both slept through the meeting. We don't really spend a lot of time together during the week and our weekends are becoming increasingly busy. So on Saturday night we made the mistake of sitting up way to late talking, and kind of catching up. We don't know if our alarm didn't go off, or if we slept through it for over an hour, because that's how long it takes to turn itself off. That was then, and now I am putting it behind me.

Today, as step one, I caught up on all of the chores that were stressing me out here at the house. The ones that keep me glued to the house out of anxiety, instead of going to the gym. It took me all day, and was a lot of work, but I do feel better about that. Next to get back into doing a little bit each day and not procrastinating until after the gym, at which time I am always too tired. I definitly got my foot in the door today and it makes me feel accomplished. I still have laundry to do, but it doesn't make me feel overwhelmed and frozen.

Tomorrow I will be able to get up, go about my day and when it comes time to go to the gym, I should be ready to go.

One thing that I have learned about myself over the coarse of this journey which ties into the above is that if I am stressed I break down. My whole process suffers from eating to exercising to sleeping. So I am going to begin to take steps to make my life much less bumpy. I'm going to do more planning ahead, and I am going to learn to budget my time better. Not only have I learned this, but I am still in the process of learning it and doing something about it! I wanted to do something about the stress first because it is a big roadblock for me.

Spring Challenge Check In!

So this past week was bad, but this week will be better. I believe I failed on all accounts, except for the checking in today. I'm not going to dwell on that though, I am going to take a page out of Loretta's book: I am back, and so I am going to let my actions and words not only prove that, but guide me. Can I be depressed? Sure, I'm not sure I can avoid it. I can, however, avoid letting it drive this parade right into a ditch. Besides, my scale said I was down this week, and though I cant count on it, I appreciated the boost.

Something I like about myself: I like that I am determined to succeed. I am no stranger to starting over again and again and again only to all deeper into that hole. I'm not starting over and haven't yet. I feel like these struggles are part of the process and I'm ready to push past them now!

Day 221, 222, 223

Sorry to have missed posts for Friday and Saturday! I did say it was a busy weekend. There were tons of errands to run, I am cat sitting for friends at another house, grocery shopping, a 3 year old's birthday party (at Chucky Cheese) including gift shopping, and transporting said child and family to and from (I don't mind! Just explaining why I haven't posted until now.) When I got up this morning for my weigh in I was ready to cry! I was so tired I was feeling silly. I went to my meeting, but I did not stay for the walk after. I wanted to, I even brought my shoes with me, but by the time the meeting was over I was ready to go home, I still had to go grocery shopping and I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. I don't feel too bad about not staying to walk after, I still made the meeting despite feeling like I was duct taped to the bed.

So without further ado: I had a great week. I had great food, and I stayed right on top of my points. I had to since the monthly slasher was here and I wasn't able to exercise. This week I lost 5.4lbs total, bringing my total loss to 83.4lbs and my current weight to 334.4lbs.

I need to tell you guys, when the lady behind the desk gave me the results I was happy, I was relieved even. I was like "Okay, we stuck our landing, now lets keep moving." Then I sat down and opened the little tracker book that WW gives you and I lost it a little. I cried, just a little. I was sitting there trying not to embarrass myself, and wiping away tears. No one noticed thank goodness, I wasn't crying hard or anything, I was just teary eyed.

I can still remember how I felt when I realized I was over 400lbs for real. I remember not being able to get pregnant and giving in to the knowledge that I had no chance if I didn't lose weight, not to mention I could die, also for very real. I remember how defeated I felt when I asked for birth control and went to the mall to weigh myself on one of those "pay" scales that go up to 500lbs. The scale in the Dr's office only went to 400lbs. I remember sitting in Wal-Mart right after that waiting for my prescription to be filled and crying. I didn't feel like I had a path at all. I wasn't sure I could do what needed to be done. I had no clothes, I hardly fit in the drivers seat of a car, and walking through the grocery store was enough to make me cry. Everything was so hard already that I could not imagine a world in which I might lose weight for good. I felt so desperate and hopeless. I wish I had some beautiful and poignant way to say that I was already dying, but I cant. It wasn't beautiful, it was ugly, and it was sad. It was not what I expected from this life.

So today when I sat down in the seat in the back of the meeting (I was a minute or two late, and its a big group) and opened my little tracker and saw, not just how much I lost, but how much I weighed, there on paper, printed from a WW computer as a permanent record...it struck me hard. I was suddenly so grateful. Now that is beautiful and profound! This was one of those moments where you just get it, you know? You know you are going to make it, you know you are going to get to the place you are struggling so hard to get to. You know that all of the times you fall down add up to squat compared to the all the good you have done. You may just have saved your own life. And yeah, its that serious. I feel wonderful today.

Chad and I had a large brunch out today before grocery shopping, which will mean I am going to use some extra points today, but that's alright. He and I haven't been out together alone in quite a while, and it was really nice to just have a not rushed, uncomplicated meal. Dinner tonight is going to be homemade crab cakes with homemade (yeah I'm proud!) mango chutney, and baked yams. I will post my food log before I go to bed!

Also, tomorrow is the Spring Challenge Check in!

And a picture of last nights group from karaoke! I'm the one in jeans and a black shirt 2nd from your left:

Day 216

Okay so I lost exactly one pound. I knew it wasn't going to be big this week, as I feel like I was playing catch up, but at least I know I am going in the right direction again! AND I am finally under 340lbs. That is a pretty big deal to me! Total so far I have lost 78lbs even and I am proud of it. I also got my first walk it challenge star today. I was kinda disappointed this morning because I had forgotten that the meeting leader had proposed walking after each Sunday meeting to encourage participation in the challenge. I wore my flip flops...like I always do. Next week I'll bring my sneakers in a bag to change into after weigh in.

It was an easy day today, as the grocery shopping happened yesterday. So after weigh in this morning Chad and I got a little extra sleep before enjoying a very relaxing day. I've become addicted to Final Fantasy 13 and so he and I have also spent the day sharing the PS3.

My food was okay today. I got in all of my veggies, but I over spent a little at a a friends house for dinner. It wasn't too bad, I think I could have avoided at least 4 of those points (pepperoni and cheese!) though. I have extra points and that is what they are for!

Tomorrow is the spring challenge check in and I totally rocked it this week!

Today:
1/2 ww bar: 1
1 orange: 1
1 yogurt: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
1 yogurt: 2
1 100 cal pack: 1
2 cups steamed veggies: 2
1/2 cup salsa: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
bean soup, homemade, moms: 4
2 whole wheat pitas: 5
1 serving pepperoni: 4
2 servings regular mozzarella: 8
1oz sausage: 2
1 cup mixed baby greens: 0
1/2 cup tomato: 0
1 serving dressing: 2
1/8th cup mushrooms: 0
bean soup: 4
1 serving sunchips: 5
41/41 +9/31

Day 206

I feel so great today! I laid my line down last night and today I have been sticking to it. I also feel great because today was a cardio only day and I still did 60 minutes on the elliptical without the hour break for weight training in the middle! It was so very hard. I actually think that I desperately need new shoes. My feet were really hurting today on the machine and my toes we sore. My food was great, if a little boring, and tonight was karaoke which went was a lot of fun. I also managed to cut my soda down tonight. I usually drink a lot of soda on Thursday nights because I feel bad just sitting there at the bar drinking water all night. Tonight I had 2 sodas packed with ice.

I don't think that there will be a meeting on Sunday because of the holiday but I am going to check it out anyway. Does anyone else have any plans for Easter? Church, dinner and a movie, or even the gym? I know everyone here is trying to lose weight, but do any of you still make baskets or receive them?

Now this is funny. It has been a really good day and I don't have anything to say!

Today:
1 serving bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1/2 yogurt: 1
1 serving stew: 4
1 chicken sandwich: 5
1 serving mustard: 2
1 medium salad: 1 (for cheese that came in it)
1 serving ff honey mustard dressing: 1
1 serving rice: 4
1 cup sugar snap peas: 1
1 serving (homemade ww this time!)
orange chicken: 4
5 hours later (after karaoke):
1 serving rice: 4
1 cup sugar snap peas: 1
1 serving homemade ww orange chicken: 4
1 yogurt: 2
37/41

And its after 2am, so my points are going to stay 4 short. Not bad though. I did manage again to get all of my veggies in. I have decided that I need to get into eating a salad every day. They are the great destroyer of vegetable deficits!

Day 201, 202

I actually wrote most of this post last night but couldn't get it to post because my internet went down.

This morning I did go to weigh in to face the music even though I knew I was going to gain weight. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I debated over and over in my head about missing it and making it up next week. Then I thought about this blog, and my anchor here. I knew I needed to go, I knew it would be good for me even if it was painful. It wasn't painful. I did gain. .4 lbs. I deserve it. I felt a lot better about my day and even my week after making it to the meeting though. My husband said he was proud of me and that it showed determination and commitment. The week started really well, I was exercising every day and eating the way I should have been right up until Thursday night... That brings me back to honestly. I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression of who I am. I'm also going to be honest about my mistakes even when I'm kind of embarrassed by them.

The post from last night:
Retta asked if my Thursday night activities were worth it. This question doesn't upset me or anything, but it does make me think. I don't really drink, and I never have. My vice has always been food. I can count less than 5 times in my life that I have ever even been tipsy. I've never been very adventurous that way, I like being in control. However, every now and then I do feel the urge to cut loose. I had a great time. I'm normally the designated driver ushering all of those happy drunken friends of mine out of the bar after last call. Yeah, I over imbibed, and while I don't regret it (or the experience as, it was a new one for me) I probably wont be doing it again soon. I usually have just as much fun at karaoke with my diet pepsi, and no hangover the next day. It also threw my week off (and I was having a great one) as I needed to be babied food wise because of my stomach. I don't know if this is rough to read for any of you, and if it is I'm sorry. I'm not embarrassed about being drunk (there, I said it), I am embarrassed that I messed my perfect week up. On the whole in my life are nights like these worth it? Yes, absolutely. In the course of this journey that means so much to me is it worth it to lose 3 days to it? Not really. Does this make sense or just sound unfocused. I think in a nut shell what I mean to say is that I don't regret it, I had a great time, but I wont be doing it again for a long time.

Tomorrow is Sunday, and my weigh in, and while the beginning of my week was stellar, it had a rocky ending. We live and we learn. I'm still in it to win it here.

Saturday:
1 orange: 1
Sushi (not a buffet, guessing (overestimating)the points values using WW): 16
4 oz chicken breast (lightly breaded in panko): 7
4 servings steamed broccoli: 0
2 servings mashed potatoes: 6
1 coffee: 6
37/41

Today:
1 orange: 1
1 serving cheerios: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1 baked potato w/ cheese: 7
1 small chili: 4
1 serving sun chips: 4
1 serving strawberries: 0
1 yogurt: 2
2 servings green peas: 2
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken: 6
1 serving brown rice: 4
2nd serving pineapple chicken w/out rice: 7
40/41

So it all comes back down to choices now right? My choice is going to be to move on, and have a really strong week this week, and make an amazing showing on Sunday. Those sound a lot like goals huh? Weight Watchers just passed out the materials for their Walk-It Challenge which includes a plan/ training guide to get you walking a 5k (Only 3.1 miles.). I'm going to start that this week. Don't worry its gentle. It starts with 10-15 minutes a day. I'm looking forward to keeping up with my Spring Challenge (Check in tomorrow) and walking more!

Day 195

I made the meeting today! No waiting: I lost exactly 1 pound. This makes my current weight 340.4, and my total loss 77.4 lbs. I will take it! Especially considering the few weeks I have had lately. I have been lucky, honestly because I haven't been on the ball. Yeah I have had a bad run, a killer week long migraine and moving, and the monthly from way down below, but how long am I going to let these things get in my way?

Yeah I'm not going to hurt myself over what I couldn't do, and I don't feel like these things weren't valid. I'm just trying not to let a bad run turn into hurricane season for diet parade. I won't lie, I wont be perfect, ever. That's part of the beauty of the journey! I have learned enough from all of the previous times I have tried to lose weight to find the one thing that I believe makes the difference and keeps me here, doing this, when all I think I want to do is fail for reliefs sake! I don't want to fail. Every single pound I lose brings me closer to being under 300lbs which is something I haven't been since before I was 16. Every step brings me closer to the things I want, and finally feel like I deserve! I cant give this up! I've come further than I ever have before! What is that one thing I have learned that I never realized in all of those previous tries? To keep going. I have learned that if I screw up, which is in fact a matter of a time and just life, that I don't have to start over, or quit, or binge out of frantic guilt. I am learning to let go of the guilt and keep moving. Has anyone else ever heard of the Isty Bitsy Spider? Sometimes that's what this feels like. I'm going to make it, I'm going to beat this weight, and defeat my inner demons. I'm at war with myself, and I intend to live.

Spring Challenge!

Loretta posted a Spring Challenge and I think I am going to do it with her. I'm starting tomorrow so I'm coming 2 days late, but I feel like its a positive step in the right direction. There is a prize, but I feel like I'll be giving a gift to myself just by finishing the challenge. It is 13 weeks long so I will be starting on March 22 and finishing on June 23.

I need to pick 5 of my own goals and try to stick to them (and maybe even turn them into habits) for 13 weeks.

My super hero goal is to exercise 5 days a week, for 13 weeks. It doesn't all have to be the gym, but I expect an hour a day in any combination of time (at least 15 minutes at a go).

I will eat my 9 servings of fruits and vegetables per day money and groceries permitting (I have to give slack for when I don't have supplies!).

I will make every single weekly Weight Watchers meeting between now, and then. I don't know if there will be one on Easter though, and I will be on vacation out of town on Sunday the 6th. So in 13 weeks I should be able to make 11 meetings which is a nice change from my twice a month right now!

I will check in every Monday, since I am starting on Monday.

At the end of 13 weeks, I am going to buy myself that bike, and start riding with my husband on the weekends.

So in short my goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

Anyone who wants to do this challenge is welcome! Check in with Loretta!

Today:
half bbq chick salad: 5
1 cup broccoli cheddar soup: 4
2 cookies: 2
1 subway sub: 13
1 serving baked lays: 3
1 serving cereal: 2
1 serving skim milk: 1
1 serving cheesy tuna mac: 9
1/3 molten cake shared with husband as a treat (my brother is a cook at Chilis): 9
41/41 + 7/33

Food will be much better tomorrow!

Day 194

So being that tomorrow is grocery day as well as weigh in day, I had a question for you all: What does your weekly meal plan look like? This assumes you plan at all! I have people relying on me to cook every night so I have to in order to keep us from take out or blowing our diets! Grocery day is Sunday, and I usually plan out my dinners and then I buy general things for breakfast and lunch, eggs, turkey bacon, lunch meat, cereal, soup etc. This week my menu looks like:

1. tuna mac and cheese (has veg in it)
2. meatloaf pizza pie with steamed broccoli
3. shepherds pie w green beans
4. orange chicken with rice and sugar snap peas
5. chinese pineapple chicken w rice and asparagus
6. beef stew

These are all home made and all WW recipes or recipes that I have made low point value. My issue is that I am completely lost on veggies here. I add veggies to almost everything, but some things need them on the side. Does anyone else get tired of steamed vegetables? I don't know. Its just my go to side dish these days. I also sometimes stock frozen veggies for quick light lunches, I'm easy when I'm just cooking for myself. I love vegetables as they are, I love them steamed and I love them roasted I'm just worried that they dont get the fan fare that they deserve at my unappreciative hand.

Tomorrow is weigh in and this past week has been terrible. I've made a few bad choices and of course it was also my time of the month, which keeps me from doing...well anything. Even my back up plan for that failed miserably! My eating wasn't too bad though, I stuck to my points veering into my weekly points a little, which is what they are for. I'm babysitting tonight but I am going to bed as soon as the little ones are taken home as I (again) do not want to miss my weigh in! Wish me luck!

Today:
2 servings pasta with sauce: 11
1 grilled chicken sandwich: 6
w honey mustard: 1
1 large cup of fruit: 3
last of (less than 1 serving) pasta: 3
1 cup pasta sauce (1 point for extra serving, can you tell tomorrow is grocery day?): 3
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 serving cauliflower: 0
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1 serving light ranch: 2
31

That's all for the evening. I know I'm off, but I'm trying to follow my own rules! Also, I'm not off by much that often.

Day 188

So I have this really horrible/funny story. You remember yesterday when I said that no matter what I wouldn't miss my meeting? Yeah. So my husband works a lot, and his social life suffers. He really only has one friend who isn't also my friend. Well, he and that friend got together yesterday to play video games. My husband stayed out until after 6am. Yes, after 6am. Now, I do not begrudge him his fun time, but when he came home at 6am he wanted to be "helpful" so he reset my alarm clock...which then never went off. To say that I was full of seething, angry rage would not do the moment when I woke up justice.

I know they are just meetings, but when I miss them I feel like I am falling behind, or not doing as well as I could be. I also love the support and the people there. I love sitting in a room full of other people struggling just as hard as I am to get to a similar goal. I would switch meetings to a more convenient time (we are a late shift family) but I love the connection with this group!

In any case I got up, got dressed and weighed myself this morning: 341.4. That's a loss of 5.8 from the last time I went to WW! I am currently lighter than I have been in years. This makes my total loss so far: 76.4lbs. So despite struggling with the gym, and stress and moving I am still parading down diet lane. I am seriously proud of myself. Even my new clothes are fitting very loosely!

I am supposed to go back to the gym tomorrow, but my monthly slasher flick is here in a bad way. I have a plan, but I'm not going to kick myself over not being able to hack a full circuit or cardio if I can't. I have pain and nausea today, but they aren't usually what keeps me from the gym...if you know what I mean.

Today was grocery day, and game night (at a friends house), so I will not be posting my recipe for Pizza Meatloaf Pie tonight, but I promise to get it done tomorrow! It was incredibly tasty!

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 serving sun chips: 4
1 subway sub: 12
1 serving dark chocolate: 3
1 serving pizza meatloaf pie: 9
1 serving green beans: 0
1/2 serving ranch: 1
a handful of almonds: 1
1 bag popcorn: 5
38/41

I do plan to use some of my extra points tonight. I was feeling fairly sick earlier, and now I feel starved! It's the monthly I think...

Day 187

Tomorrow is weigh in day! I missed last week because I was moving and honestly, really tired. Tomorrow I wont miss my weigh in! I really hope to have lost a little despite it being a crazy 2 weeks with a few days of not counting. Even though my hopes are high I wont let it get me down if I get a bad number on the scale tomorrow.

I had a good day today food wise. I managed to eat all of my points pretty responsibly and get in a pretty respectable amount of points. Monday will be my first day back to the gym since getting sick. I think I am well on my way back to normal routine. I need to work on a way to get the word relax in there too. What will be, will be. I can affect the outcome with as much as I am given, but beyond that I need to chill. In my freshman year of college I had a professor once tell me that "You can't fix anything at 4am in your pajamas." He was right. I don't want people to worry about me, and how I'm stressing. I hate that stress gets to me the way that it does. Normal (What is normal anyway?) people do not crumble so easily! Maybe instead of shaking my fist at the sky I will try some of those relaxation techniques I have been researching. Hey, maybe I'd lose more weight? Nice thought...

So wish me luck, and hopefully tomorrow night when I report I'll be down at least a pound!

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 serving beef and potato nacho casserole: 6
1 pudding cup: 1
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 single size bag sun chips: 6
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
3 oz homemade chicken salad: 3
gigantic serving of spinach: 0
pickles: 0
broccoli: 0
cauliflower: 0
shaved carrots: 0
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1/4 cup ranch +1 for extra serving (HUGE amount of spinach to cover): 5
1 can soup: 5
1 serving american cheese: 2
1 yogurt: 2
40/41

If all goes well I should also have another recipe to post tomorrow! Night!

Day 173

There was no gym today but I was on my feet until a short while ago. We spent the day out, walking through stores so I did get a bit of (a weak) a work out.

This is a short post because I have my meeting bright and early tomorrow morning and I don't want to have any excuses as to why I cant go.

We ate out today with my mom, and honestly I didn't think I did that badly but the points values of one thing in particular shocked me. We ate at Outback today as we haven't been out in a good while and life has been so stressful we just wanted to get away. We took my mom to lunch too.

Today:
Some of a bloomin' onion (probably less than 1/3, but I figured I would count it high to be sure): 12
2/3 of a 9oz sirloin: 6
1 baked yam with butter: 13?? (GOOD LORD! I know the website calculates brown sugar on top, which I didn't get but seriously? There could not possibly have been more than a tbsp of butter on there. I'm counting the points as the website showed them though.)
side of steamed broccoli: 0
low fat chocolate milk: 8
1 serving sunchips: 4
43/42

My food was awful today, but being one point over doesn't bother me at all, especially when I haven't gone over my points or used any of my allotted extras in a while. I think that tomorrow I will show a loss, but I'm not sure that I will show one worthy of the time spent away from my meetings. I deserve every second of that though, and I'm back on track now. Here is to hoping for the best! I am really looking forward to being done with moving and getting back to a regular existence and not having to worry about moving for a while. It is completely doing me in emotionally!

Edit: I almost forgot to mention my NSV! I fit into a size 26 pants on Thursday night! WOOT! I am down from almost a 34! I need to take my measurements soon!

Day 172

I went red today! I haven't dyed my hair in years, and I really just wanted something different. The shades in my hair are violet red, red red, and copper. My aunt owns a salon and does great work, in fact in my entire life, no one has ever touched my hair but her.

Please pardon the exposed bra, and such. It is kinda hard to keep it all restrained without a turtle neck or something. As you can see I am wearing two bras. The girls are shrinking though - yahoo! I posted this one because I was told it was the best one of me in quite a while. I do like the next one though.

This is the same hair, pulled back.

I feel like since starting to lose weight I look better. I don't mean just size wise either. My skin, and my eyes are just so much more bright. Sometimes I feel the weight too, I just feel lighter on my feet. Maybe in my darker moments I should go grab over 60lbs of potatoes and haul them around the grocery store for a while to remind me of how far I have come. I kinda felt like I deserved some color!

There was no gym today, but that was planned because of the hair appointment (that was 4 of us getting overhauls at once, so it took some time). I have tentative plans to go tomorrow though. My goal is to get back to going 4 days a week regularly. I think I can hack it.

My meeting is Sunday too. I wont miss this one, or anymore if I can help it. I'm almost caught up to the parade!

Today:
1 1/4 cup bran flakes: 2
3/4 cup skim milk: 2
1 whole wheat wrap: 2
1 serving shredded potatoes: 1
1 serving cauliflower: 0
1 serving low fat shredded cheese: 2
1/2 serving shredded buffalo chicken: 3
1 veggie burger: 2
1 whole wheat wrap: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 zucchini: 0
1 jalapeno: 0
1/3 serving sweet potato fries: 1
1 serving ranch: 2
1 serving spaghetti: 3
1 cup sauce (heavily laden with veggies): 3
1 slice cheese: 1
2nd serving of dinner incl cheese and extra point for extra serving: 8
1 serving bread: 2
38/42

Short again, but only by 4 points!

Day 144

So despite the snow dump on Baltimore all day today I still made it to the gym. I did a full circuit, and 60 minutes on the treadmill, so 2.66 miles. I also did 4 minutes on the bike while I was waiting for a treadmill. I managed to do a mile, which isn't much, but I'm still proud of getting on the bike. My food today wasn't bad either. I managed to catch 6 servings of veggies today and finished most of my points before 11pm (if you are new to reading this, I get up 4 hours early on Sundays so I stop eating earlier than usual). I made it to 37/43.

I also defeated some sweets today. I came home to find that my room mates had purchased 1/2 dozen doughnuts. My room mate even figured out the points for me, and I could have had one. I'm sure tons of people will wonder why I didn't in that case, but even I'm not completely sure. It was almost knee jerk. I wanted one, but I really did not want one. You know what I mean? You want that greasy/sweet/salty/horrible thing but you do not want the aftermath, and knowing that about yourself kind of means you just don't want it anymore...

Tomorrow is weigh in day, but I'm not sure there will be a meeting tomorrow because of the snow, so I have to call in the morning unless I can find some magic 1-800 number that has all of the closings... If they are on, I will be there, hopefully showing a nice loss. I will admit though that getting up 4 hours earlier than usual to get dressed, go out into the snow and find out that there is no meeting is going to make me nuts.

Wish me luck!

Today:
1 green tea with 2 tbsp honey: 2
1/2 leftover salmon stir fried with extra veg, and mandarin oranges: 5
1 yogurt: 2
1 orange: 1
1 serving sunchips: 4
1 subway sub, whole: 12
1 can beef vegetable soup: 7
1oz crackers: 2
2x tea with 1 tbsp honey: 2
37/43

Not bad.

Day 130

Today was kind of crazed. No gym today, but that's alright as I don't usually go on the weekends and I managed to go 4 times this week. I have my weigh in tomorrow, and I have to admit I am nervous. I feel like I deserve to gain weight after the past month. I have been on but not with all of my heart. I am back on track though!

Today we had dinner with my mom and some friends and then ended up doing a little clothes shopping. Now, I had been trying to hold out on that for a while because I didnt want to be continuously buying clothes as I lost weight. We just don't have the money. However we stopped at Fashion Bug because they were having some sales and honestly I need some stuff. I wear 2 bras now because I have lost enough weight that none of mine fit so I bought some too small sports bras to hold me up. Thing is, mine are large enough that I still need to buy them at specialty shops. Also the only jeans I had were size 32, and I wear a 28 now. So I purchased a few things. It made me feel good. I also went through every single piece of clothing I owned when I came home and now I have 3 garbage bags full of clothes to freecycle (which have already been scooped up pending pick up.). I feel good about this because plus size clothes are expensive and this way they aren't here like a safety net waiting for me. It was really hard for me to give them up because in the past (before I married my wonderful husband) I never had any clothes. (For example in highschool we were pretty poor and like I said plus sizes are not cheap. I owned 1 pair of pants.) Now I tend to hang on to things that should really be let go because of security issues. I am once again wowed by the things that weight loss makes you face. I dont think I ever would have connected the two issues until right now. I'm working through my life here!

Food was okay today, I still need to be better about veggies, but I am getting some in now.

Today:
Less than 1 serving last nights dinner (stir fry w peanut sauce): 9
Sushi w/family: 17
2 gyoza: 2
1 bite chicken katsu: 1
1 1/2 cups spaghetti: 6
1 cup sauce: 2
1 bite Chad's sandwich: 1
Total for the Day: 38/43

Wish me luck for tomorrow as I may need it! Hoping for a downward trend!

Day 127

This is a picture of me at the gym tonight. My mom took it on her cell phone to show me that I don't actually look as horrible as I think I do. You know what? She's right. I don't stick out like a sore thumb. Yeah, I'm fat, and what's more, I'm probably one of (its the YMCA, so there is a very diverse group using the gym there) the larger gym users there. I am the one in the black shirt and grey sweat pants. I'm finishing up my hour of cardio for the day.

Speaking of cardio, today was cardio only and I did my full hour, I also managed to go from 2.5 to 2.6mph in the second 30 minutes. I know that seems small, but a step at a time. I'm getting there. I'm really proud of myself for going to the gym again. I feel like I'm looking forward to losing weight again as opposed to just getting through the days.

My food has been on target points wise this week, but I am neglecting veggies again. I wish I could just strike a balance naturally.

I cant tell you what I lost or gained in the days that I was only sort of with it, but I will know at the meeting this Sunday coming.

Today:
1 grilled chicken sandwich: 5
1 serving sw mustard: 2
1 baked potato w cheese: 5
1 small chili: 4
1 special k granola bar: 2
1 serving fit active crackers: 2
1 lc wedge: 1
2 fresco burritos: 12
1 side rice: 3
1 serving ice cream: 3
39/40

See? I need to get back to getting my veggies in more frequently. I wouldn't worry about it if it were an occasional occurrence.

Day 118

So I have been debating posting here for two days. In honesty I wasn't sure what to say. I have been trying to tell myself for weeks now that I wasn't depressed or cycling through a bout of depression. I've been trying to stay above water so to speak. Unfortunately I am in fact depressed, and it has been effecting everything in my life. I think I started to feel it right after Thanksgiving and haven't really felt right since. I have also been sick, though I am (cross your fingers, my throat is still pretty sore) feeling better now. I was so worried about coming back here and telling everyone that I am struggling, and I realized I was having the same sort of trouble with the gym. I feel so ashamed of myself, I feel like because I am struggling right now that it somehow means I have failed completely. I've realized that my expectations of what other peoples exceptions (isn't that confusing to read?) of me are is damaging my outlook. I'm doing this for me right? This revelation started on New Years day. The night before we had ordered out and had a good time, but the next day I felt very off. I didn't blow my diet, but my heart wasn't in it. The next day was my wake up call. It was Sunday and I skipped my meeting. I woke up when the alarm went off and I felt so overwhelmed in that moment that I just didn't get up. No excuses. I just did not go. Later when I did get up I had to take another one of those really long looks in the mirror. I wondered if I was quitting, I wondered if I wanted to quit. My husband told me over breakfast that he wasn't going to let me off so easily next Sunday. Honestly? I wanted to quit. In the last few days I have wanted so badly to comfort my depression with food. I have wanted to just stop thinking about everything for a while. In the long run though I know that it would hurt me pretty deeply to undue all that I have accomplished so far. Maybe this is part of it too. Maybe I need to stumble a little bit to get better footing here. Like perhaps having stumbled and moved on, it wont slow me down as much next time. I'm human, we all are, and I can't promise that every day is going to be great or that I am always going to have something positive to say. I am actually battling myself here! I am fighting years of built up walls and ingrained habits that have become instincts. I'm fighting genes, pcos and emotions. I am fighting to lose 252lbs. Everyday I get the confirmation that this is in fact the hardest thing I have ever set out to do, and as of this moment I am not failing. I stop now and catch my image in the long mirror in the hallway and I want to cry. I'm shocked. I look so different now. I can finally see it and now I'm struggling. Now? 54 pounds. How can I quit when something in me yearns so strongly to go on? The person who has the highest expectations of me is myself. I'm a pretty moderate perfectionist, and before this I have always felt like if I messed up or stalled I would have to start over. Over and over again. I said there would be no redo's here, and so there aren't. I don't need to wipe the slate clean, I need to learn from this. I am stronger than food, and food cant cure what ails me. Ever. Food will not make me less depressed, quite the opposite in fact. I'm not quitting.

This has been a hard year for me, one of the hardest in a long time. My day 100 came and went in the midst of this and I don't know if I really gave myself credit I deserved at the time. I have done a good job so far and I intend to go all of the way. I don't have any resolutions for the new year because I made mine back in September. I'm not back tracking, I am moving forward. I have some things that need to be moved back on track, but I'm back. My diet has been on point since Sunday, and my mom will be here at 5am to take me to an early morning gym session (not going to be a regular thing, but the New Years Resolution crowd at the gym is awful right now, and its easier to go in the AM), so hopefully that will become a regular thing again. I am going to start with smaller goals right now. I don't want to set myself back again by expecting more than I can or want to handle right now. What I want is to get back to exercising and back to feeling better both physically and mentally. So I give you the revised goals:

Revised goals (for this week only):

1. 150 minutes of cardio
2. 3 full circuits (2-4 sets each machine except the lat pulldown)
3. No extra points (starts Tomorrow and ends next Tuesday)
4. 3 days at least of the gym
5. Blog every day! It keeps me honest and clear headed.

Today:
1 fresco chicken burrito: 6
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 medium salad: 5
1 bag popcorn: 5
1 banana: 2
1 can veg soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
2 turkey burger patties: 4
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving pickles: 0
1 large baked yam: 4
1 tbsp honey: 1
1 cup green tea w/1 tbsp honey: 1
Total for the Day: 40/43

I will be updating later to add more tea! It feels so good on my throat.

I hope no one is put off by my honesty. It is the biggest reason that I blog. It keeps me honest. When I find that something (like this) has been really hard to say, I know even more that it needs to be said. I heal myself every time I get something like this out and I feel that my honesty is going to help me move on.

Day 110

Okay! Finally! Sorry about not being here guys. I just needed some time. I was stressing so much over everything and I had so much to do. I just wasn't getting better. So I gave myself some room on Christmas, especially since I wasn't well enough to cook the whole meal myself, and I just tried to relax. Today I am kind of tired and my sleep schedule is off...but I feel so much better. I even made it to my meeting this morning, so I have official totals! Of course scales were off, but not too badly honestly. My scale at home said 361.6 a week ago, and the scale at weight watchers this morning said 363.6 which brings my total lost for the weeks missed to 10 lbs exactly, and my total so far to: 54.2 lbs! I'm pretty happy. That total alone feels like pure motivation. I can do this, I didn't give up because of a holiday or being sick. I'm sure my performance would have been better without both of those factors, but I am still moving in the right direction. Tomorrow I am making a commitment to go back to the gym. I am going to have to start out a little slower and make my way back to where I was, but I have waited long enough I think.

Also I made it to my January 1st goal of 25lbs lost! On that day I weighed 390.4 and since then I have lost 26.8lbs. My next goal is to lose another 25lbs by February 28th 2010 (9 more weigh ins)! This would bring my total lost to 79.2lbs and my weight would be 338.6. I'm stoked! I have another goal also. I want to get back below 345 which is the lowest weight I can remember seeing on the scale in the last (over) 10 years. I saw this number when I was low carbing it, and while it is less than I weigh right now, I have currently lost more weight than I ever have before on any diet.

Now this is Sunday's post, and it is very early, but I wanted to get everything straight. I may have more to say later.

Today:
1 cup cooked oatmeal: 2
1/2 cup blueberries: 1
1 can soup: 3
2 slices cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving mustard: 1
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving turkey breast: 3
1 slice cheese: 1
1 piece chocolate (yep.): 2
1 whole sub from subway (out shopping, needed to get my points in, in a healthy way as my sleep schedule is off and bed time is now between 11 and 1 for me as opposed to 3 and 4am as it should be): 10
w cheese: 2
w lite mayo: 2
1 serving sunchips: 4
1 fiber one yogurt: 1
Total for the Day: 37/43

Eek. 6 points leftover. I will get back in the habit of making it to my points. I threw myself off when I wasn't able to make it to my points total while sick. On the plus side, my tummy seems to be back in order.

Day 103

Sorry the post for Saturday is coming so late! I went to sleep way early last night.

Yesterday was hard, my stomach was alternating between okay and really bad (right now it feels fine though. We did not make it out yesterday as Baltimore had a record breaking snow fall, and it wouldn't have been smart to try, though the husband is determined to go today. I'm finding this holiday season to be kind of stressful, and I hate the snow right now because it makes everything that I need do a lot harder.

This is just a quick post, a longer post will come tonight as life gets back to normal here.

Today:
1 small homemade pancake: 2
1 egg: 2
1 serving sugar free syrup: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 can soup: 5
1 slice cheese: 1
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
3 chocolate kisses (serving size: 9): 1
2 sugar cookies: 3
1 cup hot cocoa (overestimate full fat, just want to be safe): 12
2 arnolds sandwich thins: 3
1 serving nutella: 5
2 servings jam: 3
1 pack fit active cookies: 2
Total for the Day: 43/43 & 2/35

I am certainly feeling better today so I'm hoping to make burgers tonight!

Day 100

Today is Day 100! I am now celebrating the strongest commitment to weight loss that I have ever made. I made my first weight loss post here in August of this year. I called it Day Zero. I felt inspired by other bloggers and needed a support group that wasn't so involved in my day to day life. I had been hopeless, I had given up. I said I felt like a sapling planted in red clay. My body wasn't responding to any of my needs let alone wants. I couldn't aspire to anything. I was depleted of spirit. Even when I was trying, an off day was enough to make me give up. I think I had just finally had it. I needed a break from the mentality I was in, and I needed to find something that would make me want to hold on for dear life through those stumbles that I knew were going to come around eventually. Day 1 didn't happen until a month later when on a whim I decided to try Weight Watchers with my room mates. It was a golden opportunity, as it is very hard to be the only person dieting in a house of 6 people. By day 2 I knew I wanted to go to actual meetings. I struggled a bit at first with some of the new techniques involved with WW but eventually found that the program really works for me. I started exercising and before the 1st week was out, I had made it to the gym.

I found myself being incredibly honest about myself and some of the very personal aspects of weighing 417lbs, and instead of being embarrassed I found myself enlightened. My sense of self started to change and with it so did some of the aspects of this journey to lose 252lbs. I started feeling that sense of hope as the pounds and inches started coming off and the non scale victories came to the surface. Is everything easy now? No, but I am building habits that are making it easier to cope with and easier to succeed. The biggest change is that more than ever before, I actually want to make it to maintenance.

By the end of week two I had suffered a terrible loss. My grandfather who essentially raised me, passed away very suddenly. I actually do not know how I found the strength to contend with this journey, and that loss at the same time. I felt, and still feel very broken by it, and there is a part of me that I'm sure always will. I did continue though. By Sunday December 6th I had lost 44.2lbs, in just 13 weeks (Not counting the week before I started meetings when I didn't know what I weighed, and not counting this week as it was a different scale.). I have gone from someone who should have been in a size 34 to someone who can now take off their size 28's without unbuttoning them. I have gone from the woman on the bench to the woman coming in from behind. I'm still the underdog, but it's my show now! I feel better, and I feel different, and I feel like I am on the right path. I made a goal of 20-25 lbs lost by January 1st of this year and depending on this Sunday coming I really believe I am going to make it, on that day I won't celebrate with food though, as I have so often in the past. No, I am going to celebrate by setting another short term goal.

I know this is all long and disorganized but the over all journey has been an education to say the least. I am learning things about myself and the people around me. I'm learning that the world is different when you are losing weight or have lost weight. I've learned that I'm not worthless, or ugly even though sometimes I still struggle with wanting to believe that I believe because it's easier. I'm learning that self control and moderation are in fact well woven with the core meaning of learning to love myself. I have learned that my current limitations are temporary, and that I can beat them. I am learning that I don't need anyone else to do this with me. I gained 252 pounds all by myself, and while company along the way is welcome and even wished for I am learning that not having that isn't a reason to give up. I have learned that even just a little loss is enough, and that a mistep isnt failure and no reason to jump ship. I will win the whole war this time, mark my words. Even if I from here on out the battles become prolonged, I'm going to kick ass out there on the field in every single one. I am learning what it takes to actually be free, and the thing that makes me want to hold on for dear life through even the worst of times? Me.

I'm celebrating today, but the real deal comes tomorrow. I made it to the milestone, now back to the grind. The parade moves on!

Today has been better. I did get more points in, and healthier points I believe. I also tried making dinner. Thank goodness a roommate was around. Not only is my stomach still in painful revolt, but the smell of the food was bringing me pretty close to wretching. Tomorrow the goal is, get up, try it again, and laundry. I'd like to get to the gym, but I'm pretty sure that I really hurt my stomach muscles (as they are so very sore, sleeping on my belly was NOT an option until this afternoon) with coughing and mostly with trying so very frantically to pass that trapped gas on Saturday and Sunday. I'm trying to keep it light and easy right now. I'm getting better finally thought! I'm so excited I could cry for joy!

Today:
1 large salad (spinach, broc, caulif, pickles, carrots, 1/2 egg, jalapenos, bell peppers, chick peas, tomatoes, salad top, and 1 serving light ranch): 5
1 can soup: 7
1 serving light american cheese: 2
1 serving ched rice crisps: 2
1 1/2 cups cooked spaghetti: 6
1 cup homemade sauce: 6
Later smaller serving:
1 cup spaghetti: 4
1/2 cup sauce: 3
1 serving light american cheese: 2
1 yogurt: 2
Total for the Day: 39/43!

I'm only 4 off despite another bad stomach day!