Week # 57

I'm down a pound!

Never feel like a pound isn't enough. It is. If you have to, look up images of things that weigh a pound. You lost that. Period. AND you didn't gain.

Any loss. Take it. It's a win.

Okay guys, my laptop is somewhere in the middle of the country, on its way to getting a new fan, and a new shell. Posting on my phone is a pain in the butt. So shorter posts now.

See you next week!

Week #56

I made it!!

I am officially under 300 pounds baby!!

This past week was tough, but getting under the big 3-0-0 kept me seriously motivated. I can ride a Go Kart now! Gotta plan a weekend...which will be hard as we are entering the busiest part of my year. I am so overbooked it makes me want to cry.

Today after the meeting we had lunch at Qdoba. I got the "Craft 2" which is essentially a smaller portion of two things. I got two chicken tacos with lettuce and salsa, and a side salad with fajita veggies, salsa and shredded cheese. The Weight Watchers app doesn't have the chicken from Qdoba in it so I counted the chicken from Chipotle. HOLY POINTS BATMAN. It was 14 points for all of the chicken on my 2 little tacos and my side salad. I counted it. I had plenty of points, I was just really surprised. 

So when I came home I decided to check Qdoba's website and I'm so glad I did! The actual points value for the chicken total was 7 points...not freaking 14. I knew I liked Qdoba more than Chipotle!

I wonder how often I over count? Like how often I estimate high for something I'm not exactly sure of, and situations like this... I want to lose weight fast, we all do, but I also want to do it the healthy way. I'm okay with not eating my weeklies, though I often eat some...but I would rather eat all of my daily points. Weight Watchers already has us at a deficit so that we do lose (common sense), so I want to keep it healthy. 

It's a struggle, mentally and physically to keep going and try and think of all of this and be mindful...but it's worth it. 

I'm at the lowest weight I think I've ever been, maybe when I was a tween... I've never been under 300 pounds in my memory. 

Tears y'all. Big ones. 

My next "big" goal is 260. That will be 200 pounds lost. I'm doing this!

P.S. My computer is broken and going in under warranty (yay!) for repairs. So please excuse my typos for now. I'm posting on my phone!

Week #55

Down 7.6! I lost the 4.6 pound water weight gain from last week! I am now down 157.2 pounds.

Buuut I have a bit of a curve ball. My new doctor, who I love, wants me to start trying to get pregnant now, as opposed to waiting until I get to goal, or get under 250 lbs. I think she is worried about my age, as I just turned 32, and I have PCOS. Backstory: We tried to get pregnant naturally 6ish years ago with no success, and I gave up to try losing weight in the hopes that that would help me conceive. I am succeeding this time, finally, and stopping worries me. I don't want to lose my momentum, but I also don't want to lose my chance to have kids... So I made an appointment with my gyn, who specializes in PCOS and I am going to talk to her about it. I want to know if waiting one more year will actually be an issue. I don't know if I can make it to goal in a year, it isn't likely, but I wonder if I could get under 250? I also don't want to be high risk.

I'm not letting this slow me down, though it's all I can think about. I am going to keep going until I have to stop or slow down.

I had a date with my husband tonight and he took me to a really nice Indian restaurant. I think I did pretty well, but I definitely used some weeklies. Indian is so hard to count. I might have over counted too...but then the restaurant owner gave me free wine.

SO, tomorrow I am going to work out, and Wednesday, Thursday and Friday too lol. Meh, what is life without fun?

OHHH and GUYS, I am super close to being UNDER 300 pounds for the first time in my adult memory. I don't think I have been under 300 since before I was a teenager. I am hoping I can hold it together and get those last couple of pounds off in the next two weeks.

Hope you're all having a good week!

Week # 54

Another traveling (for work) weekend has passed! I gained 4.6 pounds, all of which will hopefully be gone next week. I'm really frustrated with traveling right now because I get a lot of push back from people about food. I spend a lot of time feeling like people are mad at me about the food I don't want to eat, or the fact that I count everything. I end up feeling apologetic for not wanting to eat pizza or crap all weekend. That is on TOP of the fact that my schedule is screwed while traveling. I get up at 12 noon normally. We are late people, my husband gets off sometimes as late as 11:30/12 midnight and we go to bed at 4am. When I travel I get up at 7am and I go to bed between 1 and 3am. So the hours in which I might be hungry grow, and so does my activity.  I have never actually gained anything but water weight from traveling but it still makes me nervous while I wait for the next weigh in. 

So if you can't tell, I am extremely frustrated with traveling and I almost threw in the towel and quit the traveling team this past weekend. I am frustrated with how often I am away from home, and how much I neglect things that I actually want to do, and I am frustrated about how food is handled. I have fun on these trips, but I feel like they don't really fit into my life very well anymore.

SO, GOOD NEWS NOW.

This past week I also went to a Florence + the Machine concert and it was amazing. Two years ago I went to a concert at the same venue and I had trouble standing the whole time. This time, I stood, danced, sang, jumped, and absolutely rocked it. I did not sit down once the music began!

Me at Florence two years ago:

Me at Florence this year:

I had an amazing time y'all.

And more good news. I went to the dance at the convention we were visiting on Saturday night (really Sunday morning) and I actually danced for 3 hours straight. It was amazing, and I was so tired, but I was actually able to walk the next day which would NEVER have been true in the past. I wore a cute pink dress and in 3 hours I made 15,338 steps. I broke 20k for the day on Sunday. I'm really proud of that.

So that is my week. Sorry the post is a day late, I actually forgot. I have had so much on my mind, including a doctors appointment with a new doctor in the morning, Wish me luck!

See you next week!

Week # 53

I lost weight this week! I am down 3.6 pounds for a total of 154.2!

I was having a pretty good week until Saturday when we went to a cookout and campfire night at a friends house after a corporate meeting. We ate grilled foods, and I had HALF of a mudslide, and like a 3rd of a beer. I also had two slices of grilled teriyaki spam. Don't judge me, that stuff is gold. I also had a bunch of roasted marshmallows, our fire was epic, so it was fate. Fire + Marshmallows + Friends. I counted everything though, and while I used some of my weeklies it was not all of them (I had 30 left.) and it was worth it. 

You've gotta find balance here. I feel like this journey can't be all about cutting back. You're losing weight! Give yourself permission to have fun, and occasionally a cupcake. 

So this was the last meeting for the leader who had been substituting for our old leader (Who was out having a kidney transplant and she's coming back next week! This woman is a champ.). The substitute leader and I have not always seen eye to eye. We had a few "moments" about my weight loss being too fast, and I was required to bring in a doctors note. By the way, 1% of your weight each week isn't too fast. 1-2 pounds doesn't apply to someone who weights 400+ pounds. 

ANYWAY. It was the sub leaders last day and she had mentioned that she would love one of the dessert recipes on her last day. I don't know how many people in the group had connected with her, but I felt like no one else was going to bring her anything and guys, she cares. The one thing I can really say about this woman is that even if her leadership style was hard to get used to, she legitimately cares about every single member in the room. So I decided to make her and the other meeting member Pineapple Bliss Cupcakes. DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN they are amazing... I used sugar free cake mix though, and added an extra half cup of marshmallow fluff and it came out to 3 points total per cup cake with icing. They were great, and at 3 points, feel free to enjoy one on a stormy night after dinner.

So I hope you all have a good week, and that you find things that make you happy and keep you going even through struggles along the road on this journey. Hold on to the good moments and make lists of the positives. Create a space in your head for the future. You're worth it.

Something that was posted on the boards tonight that made me think...

So I am on the Weight Watchers boards CONSTANTLY. Particularly the 200+ Pounds to lose board. The posts keep me straight. I read them when I am feeling weak, when I'm out of town and I start making not great decisions, when I am sad/frustrated/angry/scared. The men and women on that board are solid people who have been working the plan for a while. Their experiences are valuable and helpful to me.

So tonight someone posted this topic: What measures will you take to prevent a regain?

The person who made the topic talked about a lot of things, why she quit before, what she gained, how she came back, how she's rejoining again etc.

It really got me thinking about the last time I made this journey and how much I wanted to lose weight and how hard I fell, and all of the contributing factors...but when I began to type, this is what came out:

I regained my weight last time because I gave up. There were outside influences and problems and my life was full of stress and disappointment that I didn't know how to handle, but the bottom line is that I gave up. 

I won't say I failed though. I'm here and I'm on a roll even on the bad weeks. I weigh in when I know I am going to gain, and I'm trying very hard to be honest about my shortcomings regarding my relationship with food. I also have what I feel is a bit of a leg up this time around, because I understand the program so well and I know what works for me, and more importantly...I know I will gain, more than once. I know I will stumble, struggle and get frustrated. I know these things are going to (and have) happen so I'm prepared. 

My extreme measure is to keep doing what I am doing. Track every single thing that goes into my mouth (even if its free I put it in the tracker), eat more fruits and vegetables, and work out when I can. I will also fight my hardest not to feed my feelings, and to treat myself better than I did that last time around. 

This only applies to me, but my favorite quote ever right now is "If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up." I wont make it my signature because it sounds a little tough and I don't want to discourage people from coming back and putting it all out there and restarting. It was exactly what I needed to hear at the time I heard it though. So I tell myself that every time I feel kind of tired of working at this so much and thinking about it so much.

So I feel like maybe I am stronger than I feel. Reading my answer, and thinking about how tired I have felt lately of trying so much I think I must be. My heart and my fingers know what I need.

How about you? What will you do to prevent starting over (again)?

Interjection! Goals!

So I was reading my Weight Watchers magazine tonight and I read an article about Stand Up Paddle Boarding and it looks amazing. Like it would be both fun and relaxing and I so want to do it.

Which got me thinking about things. What else do I want to do? Any Suggestions?

I am making a list on the side bar, so let me know if you have tried anything new, and let me know the things you really want to do! It's motivating to think about the future as possible as opposed to impossible all of the time.

We can do anything.

Week #52

I am celebrating a year today! I lost 2.8 lbs this week and my total is now 150.6 pounds gone forever. I am officially half way there.

This year has been so stressful. I thought my brother was dead, and he isn't, but I spent months waiting for that call. Our money situation is so tight that when I check my bank account I get butterflies in my stomach. I have felt like the fabric of my universe was coming undone for a while now, and the ONLY thing I feel like I can control is this. I am so invested in this, and honestly sometimes it feels like I don't have enough energy for anything else and I am proud of myself for just getting through the day on plan.

I have trouble seeing my progress and I am really hard on myself, though I am trying to be more kind. I take pictures constantly in the hope that they will bolster me to keep going.

Tonight I cried about so many things, but one of them was this. Good night guys. See you next week.

"Third Eye" Florence & the Machine

An original lifeline,

original lifeline,

An original lifeline,

original lifeline.

Don't make a shadow of yourself,

always shutting out the light.

Caught in your own creation.

Look up, look up!

It tore you open

And oh, how much!

'Cause there's a hole where your heart lies

and I can see it with my third eye.

And oh my touch is madness

You come away, you don't know how

An original lifeline,

original lifeline,

An original lifeline,

original lifeline.

Hey, look up!

You don't have to be a ghost,

here amongst the living.

You are flesh and blood!

And you deserve to be loved and you deserve what you are given.

And oh, how much!

'Cause there's a hole where your heart lies

and I can see it with my third eye.

And oh my touch is madness

You come away, you don't know how.

An original lifeline,

original lifeline,

An original lifeline,

original lifeline.

'Cause there's a hole where your heart lies

and I can see it with my third eye.

And oh my touch is madness

You come away, you don't know how.

An original lifeline,

original lifeline,

An original lifeline,

original lifeline.

Could you pay it as a tribute?

The only thing you let hold you

Wear it now on the mantle

Always there to remind you

Would you pay it as a tribute?

The only thing you let hold you

Wear it now on the mantle

Always there to remind you

I'm the same, I'm the same

I'm trying to change.

I'm the same, I'm the same

I'm trying to change.

I'm the same, I'm the same

I'm trying to change!

'Cause there's a hole where your heart lies

and I can see it with my third eye.

And oh my touch is madness

You come away, you don't know how.

An original lifeline,

original lifeline,

An original lifeline,

original lifeline.

I'm the same, I'm the same

I'm trying to change.

I'm the same, I'm the same

I'm trying to change.

I'm the same, I'm the same

I'm trying to change - 

Original lifeline...

Week #51 Part B

Sorry I took an extra two days to post this week. I have been busy, and honestly I was so relieved because I was ready to come back here and write this long post on not giving up , even when you're struggling , but I ended up losing weight. I lost 9.2 lbs, confirming that traveling on air planes hates me so very much.

So listen. Even when you feel like you are at your absolute worst. Whether you just ate an entire pizza, or spent the day on the couch, or gained the week before and had trouble keeping it together for the week following that weigh in... STOP. Stop thinking about how bad you are, or how unworthy you are, or how whatever you want most in your heart is never going to happen, maybe you don't deserve it. STOP STOP STOP.

None of that is true. We are worth it, and you know what? We deserve down time, and we deserve to occasionally have the foods we love, and we DO occasionally have to give negativity its space. Acknowledge that we are feeling out of sorts, and then maybe set it aside or wash it away.

I gained weight last week, and when I did I was okay at first. I know I gain weight when I get on air planes and I know that all of the eating out we do at conventions causes water retention. It didn't matter. I still felt like I was failing and I kept going over my week like there had to have been something I forgot to count, or many things I forgot to count. And none of that is true. I was as diligent as I could be. I went to the gym, I got in 10,000+ steps a day, 20,000 on Sunday.

It didn't matter. I tore myself apart, just like I know so many people do. My friends do it, the people in the meetings do it.

Be kind to yourself. Accept that you might have messed up and go on doing your best. One bad week/day/meal doesn't ruin anything unless you let it. You're human, and you're in this for life. Expect bumps.

That being said, I was a little irritated at the meeting leader we had. She read my weight loss number out loud. Then when I tried to explain that it was at least 6.6 lbs of water weight she told me (in front of the meeting) that I was downplaying the positive. That isn't it at all. There are 20 other women in that room. Some of whom probably struggled to lose less than a pound that week. I don't want anyone to feel like they would lose 9 pounds in a week if they tried harder. It isn't true. 9 lbs isn't typical, and my average per week is a little less than 3...and I started at 460 lbs. There was a woman who was celebrating a year on Weight Watchers, and her total loss was 25 lbs. Don't shake your head, you know rationally no matter how much more you have to lose than someone else that losing weight is hard and the fact that she kept it off for a year? I applaud her. Right after we celebrated her the meeting leader asked me what my total weight loss was...I was kind of irritated.

See you next Monday!

Week #51 Part A

I am calling this post "Part A" because my meeting center was closed today for the holiday. So I will be weighing in tomorrow.

It's good that this week is going to be a two-parter because I'm struggling y'all.

Not with the plan. I am counting and moving my body and trying to be as on point as I can be. Now lets discuss the "as I can be" part. I am struggling with my motivations.

My shoulder is hurt, my knee is hurt, my ankle is hurt. I had an allergic reaction on my face to a cream in my Ipsy bag this weekend, and I wore a bathing suit in front of my family for the first time in a year. So, I'm struggling with my body, hard core. My apron hangs, my skin has started to hang too. The apron is the hardest for me though. My pants cant hide it, shapers don't hide it, dresses and skirts don't hide it. I have a large chest, and combined I feel incredibly frumpy and unkempt. I feel incredibly unattractive. Combine that with the pain I am feeling and I feel punished.

So I have been eating more than I should this week and I think it's entirely emotional. I thought I was past this stuff. I'm not though. I find myself questioning what I am going to do with the rest of my life in a way that makes me afraid to get to goal. I'm afraid that I will be this empty, uninspired memory of someone who almost was.

I know these things aren't true though, rationally. I'm just struggling.

Big girl panties are on though, and I am still going, still fighting and still going forward,

Will I be a different person when this is over?

I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully with good news.

Week # 50

So many feelings this week. To start I gained 6.6 pounds. YUP. There it is. I should be upset, but I'm really not. I know travel makes me gain weight. Particularly flying. For example: Came home from Vegas in January and had gained almost 10 pounds. The next week I lost 14. Soooo even though I didn't have a perfect week (I had way too much sodium, not enough veggies and way too much fresh fruit) I really think I made good choices for not being able to decide where we were eating every night. I walked my toosh off, and on Sunday I probably got close to 20k steps.

So I'm looking at the positive. Last year when I did this trip I couldn't walk 50 feet without stopping or feeling uncomfortable. I ate everything in front of me and I cried at night because my feet hurt. THIS time I killed it. I walked everywhere, and I even went to the gym (Planet Fitness is everywhere!) on Saturday night! I was introduced to Chicago style deep dish pizza and I had a SINGLE slice, and a salad with dressing on the side. I had beef and broccoli and tossed the rice. and I had breakfast for dinner one night. I did good guys, and so no, I'm not going to let this bother me!

I also lost my wallet on Sunday night, and was stressed as all get out, but still made good choices at home after realizing it.

Monday started with gaining weight and ended with me getting 17 activity points on my new Fitbit Charge Hr. Is that even possible? Maybe because it reads heart rate it tracks intensity better than the flex?

I don't know, and I don't eat my activity points, but I would be interested in finding out how accurate that is. I like losing weight fast like everyone else but if I am really shorting myself that many extra calories/points then maybe I should pay attention.

Storming here so I am going to finish this in case the power goes out. STAY POSITIVE. This is life, and the are no straight lines to anything worth having. Goal weights are not the end, and so we should be realistic and real with ourselves and our expectations. Be kind to yourself, don't berate yourself over the numbers on a scale. Don't deprive yourself either. Keep doing what you're doing and I promise...the scale will pay up.

See you next week!

Week #49 LONG post. Sorry.

This week was a little tough. I had a birthday party to go to on Saturday, and the food was not great. The hamburgers were 11 points plus each. EACH. I did not have one. I had a single hot dog (8 pp for the dog and the bun) and a metric ton of raw fruits and veggies, 2 bites of cake and a bite of dirt cake. Then one of my friends who rejoined Weight Watchers with me wanted to walk to the swinging bridge at the park. We attempted the walk before the cake was cut, but we were called back before we made it. Afterwards though we made the walk! It was a long walk and there was actual terrain unlike at the track I usually walk on. So many hills! When we made it to the bridge I actually crossed it. I was terrified because it moves! Total our walking for Saturday was 5.46 miles. I'm super proud of this walk!

Sunday was my birthday and Mothers day. We had celebrated Mothers day on Wednesday, which was also the day before my brothers birthday, This was a busy week for me! So since it was my birthday we went out to dinner with friends. We went to an Indian restaurant which is very much my favorite. I made good choices. I had bread so I did not have rice, ad I ordered tandoori chicken instead of chicken tikka masala which I have always gotten in the past. I also got vegetable vindaloo and had half of a vegetable samosa and a mango lassi. I split these dishes with my friends, and though I went into my weekly points I did not go over!

Today was different too. I have so many pulls on my time right now that I don't really feel like I have had much rest, and my birthday always depresses me. It reminds me that my time is limited and that I have missed opportunities. 

So I lost 3.6 pounds this week. We have a meeting leader who is long term and temporary because our permanent meeting leader is recovering from a kidney transplant. She is doing well and will be back in mid June. In the mean time I am really struggling with the current leader. She tells me I am losing weight too fast every single time I step on her scale, DESPITE the fact that I have a note from my doctor (yes, she made me get one, and it had never been an issue before), Today she told me that it was "Okay to lose less than 2 pounds a week."

So um, I know its okay to lose less, and honestly I am not starving myself. I am just really on right now. I feel like I have to remind her of the times I have gained and that my average for the last 8 weeks or so is 3.1 pounds which is ONE percent of my weight, and that my average overall is 2.9. I feel like I have to defend my efforts, or like I am being punished for doing well. So that stresses me out a lot recently. I don't want to leave my meeting because I seriously love the people in there. I want to stick it out until the regular leader comes back. She never gave me any trouble, and I never felt stressed about weighing in and doing too well...

I also need a new doctor (my old doctor retired and the new doctor is less than good.). But that is a long story for another day. 

I am also going to Chicago on Thursday and I wont be home until Sunday night. I am nervous because on these trips my food choices are not always up to me and counting is hard. A few of the people going are also doing Weight Watchers but they are not as on plan as I am on the regular. There is also a lot of work stress right now. The longer I stay a volunteer the more I think I might be done soon. Again, a story for another day.

I hope all of you have had a wonderful week and I hope you all have a successful weekend!

Week # 48

*I am calling this week # 48 because I am in the 48th week of Weight Watchers meetings for this go around.

 In past attempts at losing weight weekend meetings and group outings always disrupted a good streak. I wouldn't plan well enough, and then I would look at a menu and pass up the best things for me and go right for what I knew I would eat too much of. It was a serious weakness.

This past weekend I did much better. At the corporate meeting I had sushi, and seaweed salad as a side. I was really proud of my choices. After the meeting though we all went to this place called Honey Pig. Their food is really good, and really plentiful and generally when we eat in a group like that it isn't terribly expensive. I did't want to go, honestly because I eat way too much and the food can become very hard to count pretty quickly because of how it is served. I DID go because a) This is my life and adapting to this for the rest of my life is important. This is forever. I am not going to get there by avoiding social situations that involve food. b) I have been saying no a lot lately because we are saving money for Disney World next year. I made some negotiations with myself before I went. No rice. I'm not low carb but I do try and be careful about how many (white, simple carbs) I eat and I figured I'd rather have the meat. I also told myself that I was going to stop when I was satisfied.

It worked! I ate just enough, I didn't miss the rice, and I got to have a few pieces of candy later that day when we went to see The Avengers. It was a great day. 

Today was my weigh in day and I lost 4 pounds putting me at 141.6 lost total since June 2nd 2014.

My goal for Disney (Mid May 2016) is to weigh 240 or less. That is 78 lbs in a year, 1.5 lbs a week.

I think actually that I am going to start a challenge over on the Weight Watchers site for this to help motivate me. I can do this, and guys...so can you. It's so hard and it isn't just physical. It's emotional and psychological. I have conversations with myself constantly about what I want. What do I want more? Is this food worthy of me? 

I am worth every step of this journey. Positive self talk is something I did not have in my tool chest last time. I have it now, and it is very valuable.

Okay going to run now, I have blended mango and other ingredients chilling in my fridge to make mango sorbet tonight. Good night!

137.6 Pounds Gone For Good

So as all of you know, I have been in and out of blogging and weight loss my entire life. The first time I wrote in this blog my highest weight was 417 pounds on September 9th 2009. I don't want to talk about why I gave up. Everyone has a story, something that took priority. No matter what it is it isn't worth it. I promise. My lowest weight before I gave up on myself and sunk into depression was 323.2. I gained back everything, and my starting weight this time back on June 2nd 2014 was 460 pounds. The heaviest and most unhappy I have ever been.

I couldn't breathe, I didn't go out. I was afraid I would embarrass my husband or not keep up with my friends. Traveling was horrible, I always worried about if I would fit somewhere or if I was too heavy for anything. I love myself, and I love who I am. Some of what I love I think I wouldn't have had I gone through life at a normal weight. So I take the good with the bad. I have some terrible self esteem issues and self image issues. The language I use with myself even now is so negative sometimes that I have to stop myself and start over.

So, on or around the week preceding June 2nd 2014 my close knit group of friends were talking about weight loss. They wanted to get fit, and they were talking about using each other as support. At first I balked. I just knew somehow I would never make up the road that I had lost so many years before. I felt so ashamed and so worthless. I thought it didn't matter, as though I'd had and squandered my only chance to be healthy.

One of the other holdouts in my group finally gave in and she said she's start tomorrow. I read her sentence and something came over me. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the lifetime of tomorrows that I had let slip through my fingers. Maybe it was knowing that if I stayed in the mindset I was in, it would always be tomorrow and never today. I knew it needed to be today. So I joined them, right there in the moment.

I went back to Weight Watchers for a meeting on June 2nd 2014, and as of this past Monday I weighed 322.4. Total loss so far: 137.6

I am going all of the way this time!

I am going to revamp my blog here, I have so much to talk about, and at least 162.4 pounds left to lose.

I've already renamed the blog appropriately. I will probably post once a week this time around, as my life so so very busy these days and I feel like I can commit to that.

Feb 2014

March 2015

Look out for more changes!

Day 37 - 44

I'm back!

Well, I never really left. I just worked my butt off for a convention and went right from that into babysitting for a week while friends went to another convention. My whole body is still sore from all of the work we did, and I'm still short on sleep. Putting my feet on the floor on Monday morning was horrible. 

My food has really suffered and I haven't yet come out of what feels like a tail spin. I guess this is me checking my controls and getting myself back up in the air. I'm going to be starting tracking again tomorrow and I even went to my meeting on Monday. So I really haven't given up or quit. Just bear with me through this.

I went to my first therapy session this past Tuesday too. I'm taking big steps here, I just still feel like a broken cog in a giant wheel that doesn't actually need me. She told me that she thinks I am a sponge. I absorb everyone elses "stuff" and take a back seat in my own life. She said that I take one back seat after another until I'm not even on the bus anymore...and THAT, that made me cry. It's so true. I wonder if I am dealing with how much I hate myself by trying to make myself important to other people. Not that I can't be taken advantage of in my kindness, but perhaps I have a real problem. She didn't say that, or allude to anything like that but she did say that she thinks there is a "thing" in me somewhere with my self esteem. 

Therapy is hard, guys. I've only been to one session and I'm a little intimidated. I wonder if I am giving an accurate representation of my life, or if I'm clouding everything because I'm nervous and afraid of being judged. My therapist isn't going to judge me...I mean, well she is, but not in the way I'm afraid of. 

Good and bad week, right?

Please God, just let me get my act together already. I need to move on.

Day 35, 36

I'm still here! I can say I'm going to post while working this event all I want but no matter how good my intentions are it's likely that my posts will be like this one until this Monday, which is my next weigh in day.

I tracked everything! I ate very little until around 11 when I might have eaten too much, but I am in my points. Our contact this year is extra strict and we aren't allowed to bring in any outside food and all of the little venues here were closed today because we were just setting up.

Anyway, I need to be up in three hours so goodnight!!

Day 34 and Weigh in Day

It has been a much better day! I lost 2.4 pounds.

I'll expand on everything in the afternoon tomorrow. I'm about five minutes from home and I haven't been to bed yet!

My food was good today too, I tracked, went to my weight watchers meeting and went to the gym. So it's been good.

Goodnight for now.

Day 32,33

Okay so this weekend was terrible for me. Food wise, and plan wise. I ate badly and I didn't track.

I'm not giving up or quitting though. It was a slip up and I will survive. I need to learn how to better cope with "slip ups" because my journey is going to be a long one. No one is perfect every day.

This week is going to be a challenge because it is not going to be a normal week by far. From Wednesday until Sunday night I will be living away from home, and the insanity of this event has already begun. My weekend was spent talking with vendors and going back and forth from the airport.

I just need to keep it together and get through the next week. Look for my updates very late at night because I will only get a chance to update once I get back to my hotel at night.

Back to normal, plus tracking tomorrow. Goodnight guys.

Day 31

Hey guys!

This isn't going to be a long post! I had a really emotional day. I had a fight with my closest friend who is also emotional (her van was stolen and totaled last night). I broke down and cried for an hour before a friend pried me out of bed and made me go outside. I went to the house of the friend I had a fight with and we made up and cried. When I went in her husband asked me what was wrong (we are all pretty close) and you know how it is when you are trying not to cry and someone asks you whats wrong? Yeah I lost it again.

Anyway, after that my friend and I spiraled down the food drain for comfort. I didn't use all of my weekly points, but I didn't get all of my healthy checks in and I will be seriously shocked if I lose this week. I'm back on now, I'm not waiting until tomorrow but I'm also trying not to beat myself up over this. I want to move on. Life is full of hiccups and I don't expect to be perfect. I just expect the trend to be steady. I tracked everything so in the interest of full disclosure...

Posting this helps me to be accountable. I'm not hiding it.

Friday, August 02, 2013

Morning
1  serving(s) Small Plates Pork Egg Rolls	4
Subtotal	4
Midday
2  serving(s) Caramel Chicken Stock velvetted	18
2  serving(s) Diner Select Sides Brown Rice	13
1/4 serving(s) Sauces, Sides & Desserts Sweet Mustard Sauce	1
Subtotal	32
Evening
3  serving(s) Pizza, one-meat topping, thin crust, restaurant-type	16
Subtotal	16
Anytime
1/2 serving(s) spicy tuna roll (2-in diameter, 1-in thick)	3
1  item(s) Boston Kreme Donut	9
2  small Iced Dunkin’ Dark® Roast Coffee (with cream and sugar)	8
40  chips Doritos Tortilla Chips	14
Subtotal	34
Food PointsPlus values total used	86
Food PointsPlus values remaining	0

Day 30

So my physical went well enough.

Everything seems fine. I had a pap smear, and blood work and I got a prescription for birth control. Ocella same as before. It's what I wanted.

I am both excited and saddened. I am excited because I know how much better being on birth control actually makes me feel. I am saddened because it feels like one more nail in the coffin that I've been so reluctant to shut even for a time.

I have friends telling me that it "looks unlikely" that I will ever have children, as if hearing it so frankly somehow helps me to accept it as a fact and find closure. I don't know if that is ever going to get any easier, and I don't think I can apologize for it. I shouldn't have to. If my pain makes someone uncomfortable that isn't on me. At that point it isn't even about me. I mean good GOD. If I sit down to watch a movie with people and infertility is mentioned I get knowing stares and I get to hear my friends whisper quietly about how this must be affecting me.

I will find closure on this naturally, with my husband in a private setting, and with lots of time and healing.

I'll let you guys know the results of the blood tests etc when they come in. In the mean time I talked to my doctor about Weight Watchers and found that she isn't very fond of the new program. Funnily enough, neither am I. I hate that we are not counting fruit now. I mean I get that fruit being free encourages us to eat more of it in lieu of other things like chips and pastries etc, but fruit still packs a lot of sugar. So my doctor and I decided to give it some time the way that it is and if my weight loss slows or stalls that I should start counting fruit again. Guys, I can eat a lot of fruit. I eat it to feel full. I know I need to get over eating until I am like really full but one hurdle at a time right?

Gym tomorrow, and Saturday or Sunday to make up for today. Also new shoes tomorrow as long as I can afford them! Wish me luck!

Thursday, August 01, 2013

Morning
2  sandwich(es) Classics chargrilled chicken sandwich	15
2  packet(s) Dressings & Sauces barbecue sauce	2
1  serving(s) Side Items small fruit cup	0
Subtotal	17
Midday
1  serving(s) avocado ranch	9
1  serving(s) Side Items side salad	2
Subtotal	11
Evening
2  serving(s) Hormel sandwich makers pork bbq	7
1  item(s) thin sandwich bread	3
13  chips New York Style Pita Chips	4
Subtotal	14
Anytime
1  serving(s) sweet potato multigrain bbq chips	3
1  slice(s) American cheese	3
1  medium fresh tomato(es)	0
2  serving(s) new york croutons asiago	2
1  oz cooked skinless, boneless chicken breast(s)	1
1  cup(s) uncooked bell pepper(s)	0
2  serving(s) Lite Buffalo Ranch 2tbsp	3
2  cup(s) fresh spinach	0
1/2 cup(s) unsweetened dill pickle(s)	0
8  medium uncooked baby carrots	0
1  serving(s) Lemon Greek Yogurt frozen	5
1  serving(s) frosty lemon cookie	3
11  g Hormel Bacon Bits	1
Subtotal	21
Food PointsPlus values total used	63
Food PointsPlus values remaining	4
Activity
No entries for activity.
Activity PointsPlus values earned	0