Day 129

I am updating early tonight so that I can hang out with my husband for a while. I might convince him to see a midnight movie...

I have received 2 awards over the last few days, one of which I got from 2 people! Patsy and Christina. Thanks guys! I am honored beyond words. I have been sticking with this despite the fact that I am/was struggling. I'm pretty proud of myself here. For the sake of length I am going to copy Patsy and make up my own rules here. For the beautiful blogger award you are supposed to tell 7 interesting things or secrets about yourself, and nominate 7 people, and for the Happy 101 award you are supposed to talk about 10 things you love, and then nominate 10 people. I am going to do the Happy 101 thing because I haven't done it before...and I get to nominate more blogs.

1. My husband. We will be married for 3 years come this October. The first time I ever saw him I was 12 years old and I knew then that there was something special about him. I love him more than I ever thought I could love anyone or anything.
2. My family. I love my whole family but my mom, my brother and my grandparents were my world for the longest time. My grandparents are gone now, but I'm going to be living with my mother and brother again soon. They need help with bills.
3. My friends! Who are so much my extended and sometimes immediate family. They have pulled me through so much crap.
4. My animals. I have more cats than I think most people ever have in their entire life, and 3 big snot nosed labs (2 mixed, all rescues). I think people should be more responsible with their animals!
5. Movies. I used to work at a video rental store. My friends and I worked all of the time and then on our days off we would go and spend the day at the movies.
6. Singing. I grew up in a family of singers and I have very limited vocal training. I find singing to be relaxing. It helps me to clear my mind. My zen time.
7. Music. I know this one goes hand in hand with the one above, but I use music for everything from cooking to exercising!
8. Cooking. This has become quite a passion for me.
9. Reading. Though I will be honest. My anxiety has kept me from being able to finish a good book for a while.
10. Sleep! Self explanatory...

I am giving both awards to (Sorry about the links only thing. Usually I wouldn't do that.):
http://100in12.blogspot.com/
http://greggorob64.blogspot.com/
http://yvettesmetamorphosis.blogspot.com/
http://katiejweightlossjourney.blogspot.com/
http://justcallmefat.webs.com/apps/blog/
http://thefatchickweigh.blogspot.com/
http://adauntingtaleofscalewarfare.com/
http://mmai-shellyd.blogspot.com/
http://funfitandfabulicious.blogspot.com/
http://amerrylife.com/

Onto the regular day! This part will be short because the rest was so long!

I went to the gym today for the 4th day in a row! It was a cardio only day so I did my whole hour at 2.6. That was actually quite exhausting, but I'm glad I increased the speed. I manged to do 2.61 miles in 60 minutes. I have come so far from not being able to finish 30 minutes at 1.5 mph.

My food was a little better today, but I am way under my points. I have been a little distracted I think.

Today:
Spaghetti with sauce (large serving measured): 8
1 yogurt: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving chicken and sugar snap pea stir fried with rice noodles and peanut sauce: 9
26/43
Leftover: 17

I am going to have some popcorn at the movie though so I wont be too far under by the end of the night!

Day 128

Short post! Tonight was karaoke, but before I went to the bar to sing, I went to the gym! 3 days of gym time down. I did my whole circuit, but not as much cardio as I didn't have time to wait around for 25 minutes for someone to get off of a machine.

I have awards to post about but I really need to go to bed, so even though I see them and appreciate them I will post about them tomorrow night.

Today:
1 can veggie soup: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 fat free hot dog: 1
1 home made grilled cheese: 4
1/2 serving tomato sauce: 1
1 granola bar: 2
3 (very very small) slices pizza at the bar (I was so hungry I was getting sick, not good planning!): 12
1 1/2 serving spaghetti: 6
1 cup sauce: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving beef jerky: 2
41/43

Not so bad, and it leaves room for error since I guessed at the pizza. Good night!

Edited to add: Does anyone know what the average weigh limit for a gym "standard" (whatever that means) elliptical machine is? I wouldn't mind using them, but I am afraid that I am still too heavy...

Day 127

This is a picture of me at the gym tonight. My mom took it on her cell phone to show me that I don't actually look as horrible as I think I do. You know what? She's right. I don't stick out like a sore thumb. Yeah, I'm fat, and what's more, I'm probably one of (its the YMCA, so there is a very diverse group using the gym there) the larger gym users there. I am the one in the black shirt and grey sweat pants. I'm finishing up my hour of cardio for the day.

Speaking of cardio, today was cardio only and I did my full hour, I also managed to go from 2.5 to 2.6mph in the second 30 minutes. I know that seems small, but a step at a time. I'm getting there. I'm really proud of myself for going to the gym again. I feel like I'm looking forward to losing weight again as opposed to just getting through the days.

My food has been on target points wise this week, but I am neglecting veggies again. I wish I could just strike a balance naturally.

I cant tell you what I lost or gained in the days that I was only sort of with it, but I will know at the meeting this Sunday coming.

Today:
1 grilled chicken sandwich: 5
1 serving sw mustard: 2
1 baked potato w cheese: 5
1 small chili: 4
1 special k granola bar: 2
1 serving fit active crackers: 2
1 lc wedge: 1
2 fresco burritos: 12
1 side rice: 3
1 serving ice cream: 3
39/40

See? I need to get back to getting my veggies in more frequently. I wouldn't worry about it if it were an occasional occurrence.

Day 126

I'm back! Yep, for real this time. I am feeling so much better. A lot of this has to do with the fact that I finally went back to the gym today. Yeah, I know it took me forever. Honestly I was in a funk. I was so afraid of failing and so miserable that I was failing anyway. I didn't so much fall off of the wagon as trip and end up getting drug behind diet parade for a few blocks. Oh, the gym, right. I forced myself to go tonight and I am so glad I did. I feel absolutely relieved. I hadn't quit, but this feat means that I'm not going to. Another step so to speak. The gym was still horribly over full. People were milling around everywhere, and worse yet, their children were milling around everywhere. Don't get me wrong. I love kids. In fact one of my driving motivations for this is to gain the ability to have children. But tripping over them because their parents aren't watching them, and having to wait for machines, cardio and strength because kids are playing (which is a different story because its dangerous for children to play on some of those machines) on them is not so great. So yeah, I was terribly intimidated by going back, and by all of those people, but I did it because I knew I had to. I'm back, and I feel so good about it. Despite the weight lost and the accomplishments had I still have a lot of self esteem to catch up on. I'm back! Sorry about the downtime, but I sort of think that's life. You can not possibly always have good weeks. Life isn't going to slow down or stop or accommodate me because I need to lose weight, and I have had a lot of life going on. I'm adapting.

So today I did a full circuit. I also upped some of my weights on certain machines where I knew I could. I only did 30 minutes (1.23 miles) on the treadmill though. Not because I couldn't keep going but because there is a 30 minute limit if someone is waiting and it took me almost an hour to get one in the first place.

On to the food:
1 can of soup: 3
1 serving fit active crackers: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 ww yogurt: 1
1 granola bar: 2
1 bag popcorn: 5
2 servings green bean and chicken casserole (it was 11something and I was at 15 points): 18
1 hot chocolate: 4
1 serving ice cream: 3
40/43

Not so bad, I definitely had my veggies today, and I am so proud of the gym. I'm back!

Day 120

Today was a bit of a down day for me. I'm having a really hard time going to the gym right now because it is so incredibly packed with new people for the new year. There were literally no parking spaces tonight and it isn't in a place I can park away from and walk to. People were parked on the lawns and on the side of the very small drive path. I know it will drop off after a bit, but I need to go now and it is entirely too cold to get any cardio in outside. So I am again going to the gym at 5am. What I really need to do is get off of my butt and do some exercise videos and strength exercises. So regardless of the gym this morning my goal for the day is to do at least one video and some stretching with my hand weights. I need to break out of the mostly mental slump I am in!

My food is still great though.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
2 turkey burger patties: 4
1 slice cheese: 1
1 egg: 2
1 bag frozen veggies: 2
1 baked potato: 4
1/2 serving light peanut butter: 2
1 serving light ranch: 2
1 bagel: 3
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving SW baked ziti: 6
1 can veg soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
Total for the Day: 36/43
Leftover: 7

Not so bad. I'll probably have some ice cream in a bit, so I'll only have 4 points left over.

Day 119

This is going to be a shorter post than usual because my husband wants me to play the new Super Mario Brothers Wii with him. I've been putting him off since Christmas.

I am still working on this whole getting better thing. It involves so many things. I'm trying to redirect thoughts, and distinguish true hunger from boredom. I feel like I am back at the beginning here fighting for those first few inches. That isn't true though. I am still here with all of my progress, I'm just defining certain steps all over again for myself. I'll admit, it is really hard being back to being unsure and a little unsteady on my feet, but I'm learning the lesson that needs to be learned.

Also, my food has been great! I ate a lot of left overs today, but my veggies are up and my water intake is really up.

Today:
1 baked yam (small): 3
1 turkey burger: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving pumpkin butter: 1
1 medium salad w/ veggie burger pattie: 8
1 can vegetable soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 turkey burger: 2
1 serving turkey tenderloin: 3
1 serving corn on the cob: 2
1 serving low fat margarine: 1
1 serving green beans: 0
1 cup flavored rice: 5
Total for the Day: 35/43

I'm going to make some popcorn and settle in with Chad. Good night!

Day 118

So I have been debating posting here for two days. In honesty I wasn't sure what to say. I have been trying to tell myself for weeks now that I wasn't depressed or cycling through a bout of depression. I've been trying to stay above water so to speak. Unfortunately I am in fact depressed, and it has been effecting everything in my life. I think I started to feel it right after Thanksgiving and haven't really felt right since. I have also been sick, though I am (cross your fingers, my throat is still pretty sore) feeling better now. I was so worried about coming back here and telling everyone that I am struggling, and I realized I was having the same sort of trouble with the gym. I feel so ashamed of myself, I feel like because I am struggling right now that it somehow means I have failed completely. I've realized that my expectations of what other peoples exceptions (isn't that confusing to read?) of me are is damaging my outlook. I'm doing this for me right? This revelation started on New Years day. The night before we had ordered out and had a good time, but the next day I felt very off. I didn't blow my diet, but my heart wasn't in it. The next day was my wake up call. It was Sunday and I skipped my meeting. I woke up when the alarm went off and I felt so overwhelmed in that moment that I just didn't get up. No excuses. I just did not go. Later when I did get up I had to take another one of those really long looks in the mirror. I wondered if I was quitting, I wondered if I wanted to quit. My husband told me over breakfast that he wasn't going to let me off so easily next Sunday. Honestly? I wanted to quit. In the last few days I have wanted so badly to comfort my depression with food. I have wanted to just stop thinking about everything for a while. In the long run though I know that it would hurt me pretty deeply to undue all that I have accomplished so far. Maybe this is part of it too. Maybe I need to stumble a little bit to get better footing here. Like perhaps having stumbled and moved on, it wont slow me down as much next time. I'm human, we all are, and I can't promise that every day is going to be great or that I am always going to have something positive to say. I am actually battling myself here! I am fighting years of built up walls and ingrained habits that have become instincts. I'm fighting genes, pcos and emotions. I am fighting to lose 252lbs. Everyday I get the confirmation that this is in fact the hardest thing I have ever set out to do, and as of this moment I am not failing. I stop now and catch my image in the long mirror in the hallway and I want to cry. I'm shocked. I look so different now. I can finally see it and now I'm struggling. Now? 54 pounds. How can I quit when something in me yearns so strongly to go on? The person who has the highest expectations of me is myself. I'm a pretty moderate perfectionist, and before this I have always felt like if I messed up or stalled I would have to start over. Over and over again. I said there would be no redo's here, and so there aren't. I don't need to wipe the slate clean, I need to learn from this. I am stronger than food, and food cant cure what ails me. Ever. Food will not make me less depressed, quite the opposite in fact. I'm not quitting.

This has been a hard year for me, one of the hardest in a long time. My day 100 came and went in the midst of this and I don't know if I really gave myself credit I deserved at the time. I have done a good job so far and I intend to go all of the way. I don't have any resolutions for the new year because I made mine back in September. I'm not back tracking, I am moving forward. I have some things that need to be moved back on track, but I'm back. My diet has been on point since Sunday, and my mom will be here at 5am to take me to an early morning gym session (not going to be a regular thing, but the New Years Resolution crowd at the gym is awful right now, and its easier to go in the AM), so hopefully that will become a regular thing again. I am going to start with smaller goals right now. I don't want to set myself back again by expecting more than I can or want to handle right now. What I want is to get back to exercising and back to feeling better both physically and mentally. So I give you the revised goals:

Revised goals (for this week only):

1. 150 minutes of cardio
2. 3 full circuits (2-4 sets each machine except the lat pulldown)
3. No extra points (starts Tomorrow and ends next Tuesday)
4. 3 days at least of the gym
5. Blog every day! It keeps me honest and clear headed.

Today:
1 fresco chicken burrito: 6
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 medium salad: 5
1 bag popcorn: 5
1 banana: 2
1 can veg soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
2 turkey burger patties: 4
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving pickles: 0
1 large baked yam: 4
1 tbsp honey: 1
1 cup green tea w/1 tbsp honey: 1
Total for the Day: 40/43

I will be updating later to add more tea! It feels so good on my throat.

I hope no one is put off by my honesty. It is the biggest reason that I blog. It keeps me honest. When I find that something (like this) has been really hard to say, I know even more that it needs to be said. I heal myself every time I get something like this out and I feel that my honesty is going to help me move on.