Day 143

I did a lot of walking today outside of the gym, so when I missed the gym due to an appointment my mother "needed" to keep I wasn't so upset. I have plans to go with her tomorrow. We did have dinner out though, but I was good. I ordered a plain salad as a starter so that when my meal came I would be okay with putting half of it aside to take home, and I did it! I am not finishing up my points for the day with some cereal which is filling and with a little Splenda is also kinda sweet which is exactly what I needed. I ran a lot of errands today and so was out of the house pretty much constantly until almost 11pm. Thus, the bulk of my meals for the day were outside of the house. Still, I think I did well. I'm almost certainly overestimating the points for the appetizer pieces I had, but better safe than sorry. The salmon might also be off because the nutrition info on the site included the sides, one of which is rice that I didn't eat. I ate all of the steamed veggies though!

Today:
1 baked potato w/cheese: 7
1/2 small chili: 2
1 small salad (literally lettuce, tomato and cucumber chunks) w/ a serving of low fat ranch: 2
appetizer pieces:
1 & 2/3s pieces of sw egg rolls: 8
1 1/2 pieces boneless buffalo wings: 4
3 tortilla chips, w/ 2 tbsp dip: 4
1/2 of salmon served: 5
4oz spaghetti: 4
1/2 cup sauce w/meat: 3
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
42/43

5 servings of veggies today. Not bad for almost all non home made. Thank GOODNESS I am going to get groceries on Sunday.

Day 142

The picture of me with the other girl is from New Orleans earlier this year. I can get the same scale of course, but this is one of the most embarrassing pictures of myself that I have. Yeah, I was happy in the moment, but just looking at this picture makes me want to cry. The first and second pictures are from tonight. I still have so far to go, and to be fair to myself I have nice big boobs which always make the effect of weight loss less dramatic from the front, but even I feel like there is a difference here. The thing is, when I was in NOLA I wasn't sure what I weighed. It could have been more than 417.8, but this is the most tell tale photo of myself that I have. There are more from that day and if anyone wants to see them I can show them, I just didn't want to crowd the page.

I accomplished some things this week so far. I have been eating better, and getting in a lot more water. I also started measuring my food out again, I think this in particular is going to be a big thing. I'm sure I was over estimating my portions. The veggies are a small issue right now as well are at the end of our groceries. I go out shopping once a week on Sunday after my meeting. Today though, I finally made it to the gym, and I did an hour on the tread mill, for 2.63 miles. No circuit today, but I might be able to do two days back to back, or just tomorrow and then Monday and so on as usual. My intention is to get completely back on track within the next week.

Now, this is just speculation, because my scale is so temperamental, but today when I stepped on it (and I know I shouldn't, I should ALWAYS wait for Sunday, but I was so curious.) and it said 355...which is 6 pounds less than I was on Sunday. This is not to say I will be 355 on Sunday. I was topless when I weighed myself this morning so I'm sure its off anyway but its a little boost filled with hope. Honestly? I needed that.

So yeah, onto today and food. We are coming down to the end of our groceries (and I am finally out of frozen meals YAY) and no one cooked tonight so I had a very boring food day with not enough veggies. I was also out of the house (at karaoke) from 8 until 2am so my points are a touch short. I'm okay with that though. I'd rather be under points than under the weight of bar food.

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim: 1
1/2 banana: 1
1 yogurt: 2
4oz spaghetti: 3
1/2 cup sauce: 2
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving crackers: 2
1 ww panini: 6
4oz spaghetti: 3
1/2 cup sauce: 2
1 serving ff cheddar: 1
2 eggs: 5 (extra point for extra serving)
2 slices lunch meat: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
34/43

Day 141

So upon examination I have discovered several things. 1. I have been falling back into the anti gym rut. I start feeling tired and unmotivated and then I feel so pressured and BAM...I'm doing all of the wrong things again. 2. My trainer at the gym has been "let go" in a seemingly unfair situation. 3. I am taking my butt back to the gym tomorrow come hell or high water. Honestly I need a kick in the pants. I'm feeling terribly dispassionate about everything right now. The only thing I am determined about is not quitting. I said I was going to think about things and really I have.

I'm not measuring my food as well as I was, and I wasn't tracking as well either, which meant I was forgetting things and over eating. I have a tendency to sleep too much when I start feeling this way making my days start later...so I tend to try and pack in all of my points over a shorter period of time. I am not making it to the gym enough. 4 days a week minimum is what I should be getting. This week I am only going to get 3 (Thurs, Fri, Sat) because it has taken me this long to stop feeling sorry for myself. It is definitely time to get back to basics. I need to remember the things I discovered as I was learning this diet because I have definitely fallen away from them. This is all so internal though, so I still need to get myself physically up and out of the house tomorrow. No one can do this for me, I have to do it myself. Without that, I'll never make it.

What do you guys do when you are struggling? What finally gets you going again? I feel doubt in every choice I am making right now.

So far I know I need to A) Get back to tracking, seriously. B) Measure everything. C) Make my schedule more important. I need to space my food out so that I don't have 20 points left at midnight. D) Get back to the no eating after 2 am rule. And E) Get back to moving every day.

I don't want to fail here. I am pretty sure I can't fail here. I have so much to lose (and I am not talking pounds)!

Today (so far):
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1 banana: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 serving/ 1 oz baked chips: 3
1 serving baked ziti (vegetarian): 7
1 cup chili: 2
1 serving asian chicken and rice (frozen): 4
edited added in food:
1 serving crackers: 2
4 oz fit active pasta: 3!
1 serving chicken caccatoire: 4
2 servings low fat grated parm: 1
2 slices low calorie bread: 2
1 orange: 1
1 bag popcorn: 5
39/43

I am making a light and veggie filled chicken caccatoire for dinner over whole wheat pasta. I think tomorrows post will be a thousand times more positive. You know how I know? I always feel better once I get moving. Always.

Day 140

Today:
2 cups chili: 5 (count an extra point for what amounts to a second serving)
1 cup (less than) rotini: 4
1 serving cheese: 2
1 ww frozen mac and cheese: 6
2 servings dinner (sw baked ziti): 17
1 veggie burger: 2
1 sandwich thin: 1
1 ww frozen meal: 7
1 serving ice cream: 3
43/43 and 4/35

Day 139

Some of you have commented to me that I shouldn't give up and honestly I'm not worried about that at all right now. I'm not giving up. My posts have been coming late because I am having a lot of trouble sleeping, so I have been going to bed on time and trying to sleep when I can. I dont think it is serious or anything. I said I was retaining water so I started to go into over kill on my water intake which wakes me up to use the bathroom every 2 hours. I'm also sure that the stress of moving in a little over 4 weeks has a lot to do with it.

Just a little edit: I also dont want people to think I get to make excuses for why I gained weight. The fact of the matter is, I was retaining water. I'm not saying that this is the only reason for a 1.2lb gain. No, it wasnt. I didn't exercise enough and my eating was unbalanced. I was eating too many starches and not enough vegetables and I was certainly not drinking enough water. Retaining water is a huge side effect of a bad diet for me, and has been since I was 16 (the first time I was told I had high blood pressure, which I no longer do). I can usually tell when I am doing well because I don't wake up swollen. Water retention is a check point for me that reminds me that I'm wavering on the wrong side of the road.

Something that I have learned from reading everyone's blogs is that no one walks this journey the exact same way. One person may low carb it while another does calorie counting, another may just do portion control and exercise. We all do it differently, but we all manage to experience some of the same troubles. Don't let someone else get you down based on a mistake you make or an off day or even week. Stick with it and be honest and good to yourself. You are the only one you need to prove anything to. I'm trying to practice these things myself.

In any case the posts this week might be a little short until Friday, when hopefully things will get back to normal.

Today:
1 1/2 cups bran flakes: 4
1 cup skim milk: 2
5 oz spaghetti: 4
1 1/8 cups pasta sauce: 4
3 cups sauted broccoli with spicy sauce: 5
1 sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 cup rotini: 4
1 cup 2 point chili: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving ice cream: 3
1 serving crackers: 2
1 cup rotini: 4
1 cup 2 pt chili: 2
43/43

The chili is heavily laden with vegetables, and was terribly good. I am going to have to make it again and post the recipe.

Day 138

...was a long one. I did make it to my meeting and I gained 1.2lbs. Yep, this is my first gain since I started. I know, I know everyone does. I just honestly felt like I was really on last week until Saturday night, which honestly might have something to do with it. I woke up on Sunday morning pretty swollen. My face was puffy and my ring was tight. I think perhaps the drink and the saltiness of the food provided for us at the convention were too much. Not to mention it being on the last of my period...I was retaining a lot of water.

I know that I need to step this up, I'm just not sure what that means right now. Before this, a small gain would have meant game over for me because I couldnt take it...now I just want to make the loss happen even more. Reviewing the previous week I did in fact go to the gym, and as I have said I will no longer beat myself up for the lack of movement during my period...but still. I think I ate a very unbalanced week. Too many carbs, not enough vegetables and not enough water. We had a large amount of starches and all of the grains being used were white. my eating schedule was terrible and I was falling back into binging at night to make up the points.

I'm not going to cry over it (because I did that earlier and I'm okay now), but I am going to do better this week. The war continues and it was hard to post this here but I felt like I really really needed to.

Today:
1 pop tart (fiber one): 3
1 cup mandarin oranges: 1
1/4 small chili: 1
1 large salad: 6
1 serving light chicken tikka masala incl rice: 6
1 ww frozen meal: 5
1 serving chicken and green bean casserole: 9
later 2nd serving of casserole: 9
1 serving light crackers: 2
42/43

I got in around 8 servings of veggies because of the enormous salad, and the green bean casserole is laden with greens.

There will be another update tonight for today (139). This entry was just very hard for me and I needed time to let my words be anything but reactionary. I'm not really upset anymore, I'm going to sit down tonight and really work out what I need to do vs what I can do and see if I can push it without becoming overwhelmed. I know where I am lacking, but not everything feels clear. I'm still on the path, but my marching is a little off rhythm you know?

Day 137

So here I am still far away from home. I wasnt going to stay the night here but there was so much to do and the convention bought my husband and I a room...so. I cant make this a long entry because the hotel that these meetings are being held at has a 30 minute per person allowance for free internet...I can come back and say more later if I want but I will be busy. I havent been too bad today honestly, but for the 2 coctails I had towards the end of the night at the staff dinner (also free, top shelf). I have also not been inactive. There is so much to do. In any case I figure that for accountabilities sake I will tell you all what I have eaten even though I can not show you the points yet because I dont know them.

Today:
1 large light cinnamon latte
1 serving mashed potatoes
1/4th cup chicken gravy
6 oz roasted turkey breast
tons of green beans
1 cup salad
1 cup rice
2 (ish) oz chicken breast
2 bread sticks
1 cup cream of crab soup
3 bites no bake cheesecake

This was all day. I know I could have done better, but just estimating all of the things I think I know the points for I might be okay. Anyway, tomorrow is the weigh in and I am not going to miss it no matter what!

Edit: Also, I do have pictures to post, but I can not post them from the center here, they wont allow me to use my flash drive or my sd card.