Just a quick note:

To say that I am still here and haven't given up or fallen out of bloggyland. I am having a hard time right now, in more ways than one and this whole week has been full of epic failure. Not that that means the end or anything. If there is one thing I have learned over the past 10 months it is that I will never really fail unless I give up...and I am not. I will be back tomorrow to give you all a full update and to get back on the blog wagon. I need to be blogging every day! I don't care what anyone says, it really really helps me! So please forgive me for my absence and the failures that I plan to tell you about tomorrow night. Don't count me out yet, because who would give up almost 100lbs after less than a week of misbehaving? Not me.

Day 312, 313, 314, 315

So we all know that when I miss more than one or two days posting that I am struggling! Not so bad this time though. I pulled myself together in time. I lost .8lbs this week. Not so stellar. Yes! I know, we count every single ounce. I know, and believe me I am grateful. I just know I could have done better. This week started 0ut rough. I messed up food wise on Sunday after weigh in and then had a bit of cat emergency right at bedtime and then had to get up a little early today which resulted in less sleep. I am not downing myself, but at some point my sleep has to become a priority for me! The cat emergency aside (cat is fine) I never get enough sleep. I end up averaging less than 6 hours a night which means the next day I am dragging myself around by the seat of my pants all day!

I am doing better now, but I had to make the decision to do better this morning when faced with food choices. I was pulled toward the bad stuff but I want to eat the good stuff because it makes me feel better.

Next step? Get my butt back to the gym tomorrow! This is not a negative post! This is me realizing where I've gone wrong and getting myself together!

The second week of the Freedom Challenge ended today:

My goals were:
1. To eat on plan every day from now on, including 7-9 servings of fruits and vegetables every day. I have been struggling with that and it has been holding me back. actually I did really well on this one this past week!

2. Exercise at least 5 days a week, at the gym or at home. I've been getting better at this but I think its important to keep this goal in mind. I was extremely active this week...but we know that it isn't the same thing as working out! I only went to the gym once! Back to self bootcamp!

3. Wake up and get up with my husband. Do not sleep in every day. Another so far so good here. Getting up on time makes it a less stressful day most of the time. Might meed to readjust this goals focus a little. I need to get more sleep and I have not been sleeping well. I was thinking of trying some meditation (don't I keep saying that?) before bed tonight to see if it helps. It's hot and that seems to be all I can focus on.

4. Get my housework done every day (including be up on my laundry) so that that particular stress doesn't keep me from the gym. My house looks really good right now, including my stove I am proud to say. Now I need to tackle my bedroom!

5. Track my food more diligently so that I'm not stuck trying to remember what I ate at night. This continues to be an issue for me. I have been doing really well at this recently, and hopefully that continues. When I track well, I lose more weight! Same as last week!

Today:
1 chicken sandwich: 6
1 cup mixed fruit: 1
a few french fries: 3
1 cup rice: 5
1 veggie burger: 2
2 tbsp light mayo: 2
1 pudding cup: 2
1 1/2 serving pasta: 6
1 serving sauce (many veggies!): 3
1 sand thin: 1
1/2 serving lunch meat: 1
1/2 oz cheese: 1
1 tbsp light ranch: 1
1 slice tomato: 0
1 serving spinach: 0
34/38

Day 311

Today was exhausting! We (being my friends and their kids) went to the local fireman's carnival. We walked for around 4 hours and on the way home I carried the 3 year old (not the whole way) on my shoulders. That kid kicked my butt! I was sweating so hard my shirt was starting to get soaked!

It was a good day and I made really good choices. Here I am at the end of the night having gotten a pretty good work out and I am 4 points under even though I went to a carnival! I didn't ride any rides though about half way through the night I realized I could have ridden a few. That was nice. I am making progress. I will be able to ride rides soon! Comfortably I think... Maybe by 260lbs? I would love to be able to ride with my husband!

Today:
1 (smaller) serving pot roast: 4
1 serving roasted potatoes: 2
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1 tsp olive oil: 1
1 tbso brown sugar: 1
soy sauce: 1
1 serving strawberries (1 1/2 cups): 1
1 yogurt: 2
1 cup water melon: 1
1 hot dog (regular from carnival): 5
w/ bun: 3
1/2 small order french fries: 5
1/2 sub from subway: 5
w/cheese: 1
w/mayo: 1
1 green giant frozen broccoli and cheese for one: 0
Edited to add:
1 lf tortilla: 1
1/2 fresh tomato: 0
1 serving ff cheddar: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
37/38

Day 310

Today was a best friends birthday and as such we went out for dinner and a movie. We went to a Vietnamese restaurant and let me just tell you they have no salad. I went through the whole menu, and no salad at all. Not that their food is terribly heavy, its meat, vegetables and some kind of rice or noodle. That is pretty much the combination one way or the other that makes all of their dishes up. I planned ahead and allotted my points for what I thought I was going to eat, which was incredibly helpful as it kept me mindful throughout the day. We planned on dinner, frozen yogurt and then a movie. At dinner as we were talking about the yogurt place I adjusted according to what was being said about it (I had never been) and decided not to order the bubble tea I usually get. The frozen yogurt was amazing and half of what they sell is low fat or fat free and the toppings they provide are so great! Real, unsweetened fruit, chocolate and caramel chips and cereal. I got strawberries, cherries and blueberries. Less than half a cup combined.

I feel like even though I went over my daily points and into my weeklies that I did really well today. For once I had a strategy. I know myself well enough to know how I am going to act in certain situations and plan for it ahead of time.

The one thing I wanted to ask...Lemon grass chicken...I can not for the life of me find a solid place to get the points from. The best I have found so far is calorie king. I think I need to find my own recipe and see what it takes to create that dish so that I know. If anyone has a good recipe for it I would love it so that I can know more about what I am eating...and because I love eating it!

So far the week has not been great for working out. I went to the gym on Monday, and I walked/jogged some tonight. Another 1/8 mile jog! It is easier at the track though. Here half of my path is at an incline which wipes me out easier, but I am beginning to love the challenge. By next year this time I will be able to run, and I will be able to jog a mile.

Today:
1 ww lf waffle: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1 serving baked salsa chicken: 4
1 cup rice: 5
1 serving broccoli w/ cheese (for one): 0
dinner out: frozen yogurt (calculated by weight): 11
Lemon grass chicken (not eaten all at once): 8
2 cups rice(not eaten all at once): 8
w fruit toppings: 1
1/2 cup movie theatre popcorn (if that): 1
38/38 + 4/34

The thing I really didn't do today? Enough fluids...Tomorrow is going to be better!

Day 309

What was your "last straw"?

I read through a really interesting thread on the Weight Watchers boards tonight. The original poster talked about how she experienced what she thought should be her last straw, but that she had experienced things like that before. She was asking what everyone thought her problem was, and what everyone else considered their "last straw".

I don't think there is anything "wrong" with you if you are experiencing this. In fact, I think it's pretty normal. Yes, we (most of us) eventually come to a place in time, or a moment that sends us over that uncertain edge toward real weight loss and lifelong health, but that doesn't mean we haven't had several wake up calls in the mean time. The fact of the matter is that until we are ready to change and make sacrifices we aren't ready to make it. So you don't like writing down what you eat, you don't like cooking, you don't like going out when it's really hot, you don't like vegetables or you just don't feel like the effort. Then you are currently in waiting. You are waiting for your brain to catch up with your body. Your body already knows that it is suffering, but your brain still thinks of suffering as giving up daily ice cream, or walking to the mail box instead of driving.

When I was in middle school the kids used to make fun of me by stomping on the floor as I walked by. It wasn't enough.

When I was in high school I could not get through gym class, and I once heard one of my classmates tell the boy I had a crush on: "If I ever get that big, promise me you will kill me." It wasn't enough.

After high school I had wake up after wake up. Not being able to walk, not being able to buy clothes. Breaking lawn furniture, my bed. Not being able to fit into a seat on the bus, not being able to wear a seat belt. I was not able to fit in the desk/chair combos at school. It was not enough.

I weighed 384lbs the first time I ever became serious about losing weight, and I lost 45lbs. It wasn't enough. I lost momentum, and my heart wasn't in it. I was not determined and I had no idea what it meant to not quit. At that point in my life I had quit every single thing I had ever started. I felt like perfection was the only mark that made a winner, and I was wrong. It was easier to let the progress go than it was to forgive myself and make the sacrifice.

I weighed over 400lbs when I went to New Orleans and was almost unable to see the things I wanted to because of not being able to walk. It was not enough.

I weighed over 400lbs when I realized that I would never be able to have children like this. I was over 400lbs when I realized that I would never ride a bike again, or a roller coaster. That I would never run, or jog, or walk my dogs. I realized at over 400lbs that I had no future. Everything I had ever dreamed of was gone. Nothing was possible. I made a doctors appointment, and their scale could not weigh me. I had to go to the mall and pay to weigh in on a scale that went up to 500lbs. I got birth control, and while I was waiting for it to be filled I sat mourning the person I never was.

Apparently, that was enough.

I will never ever forget that day. I feel like it has been burned into the deepest part of my brain and all of the newly formed pathways lead me right back to that place. I will never be that girl again, but I will never forget her. She was my "last straw".

You wont make all of the sacrifices all of the time. That's pretty normal. I wont go for a walk in a thunderstorm and you know what? Sometimes I have ice cream, sometimes I even have it every day. All of the things you think you are going to lose, or hate or just wont be able to deal with - they are so superficial! Besides that they are just not true. Worse case scenario: You eat less ice cream, or less fat ice cream. You walk when it isn't raining, and you try your best to forgive yourself so that you can keep going after deciding on eating a whole pint of ice cream, or skipping the gym longer than you should. It never has to be the end unless you decide to give up. I made my decision about a year ago sitting outside the pharmacy at Wal-Mart looking at a girl mourning herself. I wasn't ready for a funeral. How about you?

Today:
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 fiber one yogurt: 0
1/3 serving pot roast: 2
1 serving potato: 3
1 serving carrots: 0
1 green giant just for one frozen broccoli and cheese: 0
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/2 serving lunch meat: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving mustard: 0
1 thick slice tomato: 0
1 cup spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving baked salsa chicken: 4
1 serving mexican rice: 5
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 serving ice cream: 3
1 (swest) egg roll: 6
edited to add:
1 fruit smoothie: 2
38/38 + 1/35 (my points rolled over today)

Day 308

Today has been a rather long day, but for the most part a relaxing one. I woke up exhausted. I slept for 6 hours and woke up so tired that my eyes were burning for sleep. I tried going back to sleep and could not. I think I'm wound up about something. It is so hard for me to let stress go and not turn it into anxiety. It is something I've been working on, but haven't made much progress with. It's a journey right? I'm not currently down or anything, just weirdly overstimulated.

I did go to the gym today and my food was good, so I can count the day as a win right? Then I finished watching Season 1 of Merlin. I am quite officially in love.

We are at the end of the first week of The Freedom Challenge!

My goals were:
1. To eat on plan every day from now on, including 7-9 servings of fruits and vegetables every day. I have been struggling with that and it has been holding me back. I have been kicking but on this one so far. I come pretty close to my goal or meet it every day, even though WW currently says I need only eat 5 servings a day. (9 servings if you were over 350lbs.)

2. Exercise at least 5 days a week, at the gym or at home. I've been getting better at this but I think its important to keep this goal in mind. This one is not yet on point but I gave it effort. Generally I do not (and sometimes can not) exercise at all during slasher week, but I managed this time.

3. Wake up and get up with my husband. Do not sleep in every day. Another so far so good here. Getting up on time makes it a less stressful day most of the time.

4. Get my housework done every day (including be up on my laundry) so that that particular stress doesn't keep me from the gym. Been doing alright on that one. The one thing I have been neglecting is my stove. I need to take it apart and clean the inside.

5. Track my food more diligently so that I'm not stuck trying to remember what I ate at night. This continues to be an issue for me. I have been doing really well at this recently, and hopefully that continues. When I track well, I lose more weight!

I think I have had a good week and good results from the last week so onward parade!

Today:
2 ww lf waffles: 2
1 serving reduced cal syrup: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving craisins: 2
1 serving to die for pot roast: 6
1 serving roasted carrots: 0
1 serving roasted red potatoes: 3
1 can soup: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 plum: 1
1 serving craisins: 2
1 baked potato: 5
w/cheese: 2
1 small chili (Yes, I got my dinner from Wendy's. I've been exhausted all day!): 4
1 ww ice cream: 1
38/38

Recently it has come to my attention that I was not eating enough meat, or protein (this is recent) and that perhaps that also slowed down my weight loss. I kicked up the protein a little and got much better results. Hmm.

Day 305, 306, 307

This is me yesterday at the mall (its a complete mile around on the inside, which makes exercise really awesome!). I wear a size 22 pants now, but the girls (ahem, boobs) keep me from wearing a size 22 top. I'm still in a 26/28 top! That makes it really hard to ever, ever find a dress, not to mention that I have to wear a bra with straps. No ifs, ands, or buts. Otherwise the girls are a spectacle. Well, yesterday we were browsing in dressbarn and I decided to try this dress on. I just knew it wasn't going to fit (it was a 22) but it was so pretty. It fit! Not perfectly, but still, if I had the money and I would wear it more than once before suddenly being a size 20 or 18 then I might have bought it. I have never owned a dress I actually liked. I used to just buy the one (usually there was only one in the store) that fit for whatever occasion I was dressing for. My friend Nadine told me to twist to the side and not do yet another dead on front facing photo.

Weigh in was today and I lost 6.4 pounds in the last two weeks. There was no meeting last Sunday because of the holiday. I think 6.4 pounds is really kick butt! I am now 5.4lbs from 100 lost, and 24.2lbs from weighing under 300.

You guys are getting this post early because I want to hang out with my husband until bedtime with no interruptions. I will come back and update with my food though. I am going to spend some extra points tonight on some special ice cream!

For Retta (Because I loved your post, and your photo. I took this a few days ago and when I saw yours I knew I needed to post it): This is my Lola.