Day 367

This is going to be short because I need to go to bed!

Today was great, dinner with the girls was also quite nice.

Tomorrow is my weigh in and my fear is that I am going to gain some or maintain. Its my fear because I ate that burrito this week, and because I lost so much weight last week. I was good last week but I was also really sick and dehydrated. I'm hopeful, and I'm going, but I'm nervous. I don't want to let myself become discouraged. I wont let myself become discouraged. I can do this no matter what tomorrow holds I am back. Heck, as long as I have been here at this (a year) I am still learning and growing (In a good way!).

Today:
1/2 subway sub w cheese and mayo: 7
1 serving dark chocolate: 4
1 slice of pickle: 0
1 serving rice crisps: 3
chocolate chips (I had a moment): 4
2 serving spinach: 0
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 serving carrots: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
2 slices cucumber: 0
1 sliced jalapeno: 0
1/2 serving beets: 1
2oz (less) lean steak: 3
2 servings light ranch: 4
1 serving gluten free mac and cheese: 8
1 serving low fat rice crispy treat (I avoided the absolutely decadent gluten free chocolate cake I made for a friend by making these!): 3
bites licks and tastes: ?
37/38

All in all it was a good food day. On days when I am cooking a lot of new things I am inevitably tasting. This isn't an issue so much with low fat or fat free recipes, but for other things it can be. I didn't go overboard or anything. I wasn't taking bites when people weren't looking but I was tasting as I went. I think the system I am going to keep from now on is for every 3 blt's (bites, licks, tastes) I am going to count a point. Lesson learned.

Day 366

Today was about resting for me. I have worked out 4 times this week, which isn't bad since I'm trying to get back into the habit. My body however is really really sore. So I'm giving it a day. Tomorrow I'm going to hit the track. I want to give the strength training until Sunday or Monday before I push it again.

So today was boring except that I again kept to my points. I know that shouldn't be a big deal since it is the core of my plan but it really is a big deal for me. So, its a short update for today. Tomorrow I have some errands to run, and the track to do. I am making a gluten free macaroni and cheese and a green salad for dinner with the girls tomorrow night. Should be fun!

Today:
2 waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
3 servings light fruit cocktail: 4
1 can beef vegetable soup: 5
1 serving rice crisps: 3
1 chunk blue berry muffin: 2
1 sand thin: 1
1 serving tomato: 0
1 laughing cow light cheese wedge: 1
1 serving rice crisps: 3
1 serving Asian glazed drum sticks: 3
1/2 cup brown rice: 2
1 cup sugar snap peas: 1
29/38

I'll probably have some popcorn before bed!

Day 365

I have been blogging for a year! I know, I missed a few days here and there, but I am incredibly proud of my little corner of the world here and really blessed to have been able to share it with all of you. I want to cover the past year, but I want to do it on Sunday after my final weigh in for the year. good or bad on Sunday I know I kicked butt this year. 98 lbs is nothing to sneeze at and something I never ever thought that I would be able to do. In doing it I have found that I am capable of so much more. So Sunday!

Today was epic, in a workout way. I went to my gym and did my full circuit, plus 40 minutes on the elliptical. I am trying to up my time a little every time I go to the gym to get my time back to where it was before I lost my stride. Then, after the gym (a few hours later) I went with a friend to her gym, which is open all night (which is super cool). We did a 30 minute workout that included step cardio and strength. It was really great, I didn't think it would be a work out but it really was! I also did 5 minutes on a different kind of elliptical. I wanted to try it out because I have come to love my gyms elliptical so much. It was good, a little harder, but I think that was because it was a different motion than the ones I use normally.

My arms are still really sore, and my legs are a touch sore too. I did some leg lifts yesterday and I think I finally managed to do the the right way...hence the pain. I'm going to go take a long shower, put on some jammies and go to bed!

All in all it was a really great day for the diet parade.

Today:
1 ww lf waffle: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving strawberries: 1
1 serving rice crisps: 3
1 larabar: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 baked potato with cheese: 7
1 small chili: 4
22/38

I'm not too worried about not finishing my points as I went over them yesterday.

Day 364

This morning my husband moved some of the last of our stuff from the old house over here to where we are now. Essentially he filled our living space with boxes and bags of unsorted "stuff". So that is how I spent my day. Sorting things we want from junk and trash. My mom went to the gym without me (not entirely her fault, I was very unready by the time she got there). I did not fret too much though. I did some exercise videos, some crunches and some leg lifts. I also did some jumping jacks which hurt my already sore arms (from weight lifting yesterday). I am actually shocked that I am currently capable of jumping jacks. In any case by the time I was done exercising I was tired and my arms and legs were tired, so I guess it was good? I need a more focused work out for days when I don't get to the gym so that I have some measure of what I've done. Know what I mean?

My food was pretty good today. I ended up eating out for dinner tonight, and didn't make a great choice. I don't want to kick myself too hard though, I have the extra points and if I start to get too down I'll turn it into a cycle. I'm done with cycles!

Today:
1/2 cup rice: 2
1/2 cup peas: 2
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken: 5
1 serving rice crisps: 3
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving chicken salad: 2
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving honey mustard: 1
3/4 cup rice: 3
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving sauce: 3
1/2 cup peas: 2
1 burrito: 19
38/38 + 5/35

I have weight training tomorrow at my gym and I have been invited to work out with a friend at her gym (late night). I think I am going to do both. Not to punish myself, but because I can, and so I should. Our car situation is becoming dire and so I need to take every advantage I get right?

Day 363

I had so many ideas for posts here today! I think I need to start writing them down for when all I have to talk about is my food and exercise.

I wanted to talk about Garrett from StagesofChange, but so many of you already have, and I don't want to rewound anyone. I'll keep it short. I missed the news of his death because of my absence. It made me cry. For him, and honestly, for myself. He was inspirational because of the daunting task ahead of him that he chose to acknowledge. Despite the ups, and downs that we all have he was trying to take control of his own war. I do not know how he died, and I wont make any guesses, but it does bring back that fear I wrote about a little under a year ago. It has been on my mind for a day or so now and I want to say that regardless of success in numbers I think this journey changes us. It makes us aware of our weaknesses and it makes us stronger for them. The end result isn't the only reward. I think we spend a lot of time thinking about what happens "when we lose this weight" but the path we take to get there is just as important. Even in death he inspired me. I hope that isn't too dramatic.

I went to the gym today! I wasn't able to do the whole hour on the elliptical I usually do, but I did 30 minutes, and I completed my weight circuit. My arms are going to be sore tomorrow. I had an interesting run in tonight at the gym with a woman I have never met before. I was signing into a weight machine and this very nice lady tapped me on the shoulder. She hadn't yet wiped the machine down and wanted to before I got onto it. She then asked me how I was doing and told me that she doesn't normally come to the gym, but that her husband had told her about me. I told her I hadn't been in a while. I didn't want to be like who is your husband because I'm shy and I didn't want to offend her. She realized in a moment anyway. She asked me how much I had lost (which I thought was kind of blunt but I want to be open about it so I told her) and then proceeded to tell me that she was frustrated that it was taking so long to come off (to be fair: she thought she was commiserating) and that she had lost 63lbs since her surgery in May, and where did I have mine done? I told her that I didn't have surgery, that I went to WW for the first time back in September of 2009. It got kind of uncomfortable after that, not in a bad way, but I think she might have thought that I didn't approve or something. It's a very personal choice and I know that it isn't any of my business. I shared with her the fact that my aunt is about to have it done (she is nearing 60 and can hardly walk) and that I think 63lbs is great. I also told her not to stress over it because slower can actually really be better.

This was an interesting run in for me because it was not the first time that someone meeting me assumed (without asking) that I had WLS to lose weight. I don't think that there is anything inherently wrong with WLS but I know that I can do this without it. I know that I need to do this without it. I want to struggle to get there so that I remember that when I am putting food in my mouth. I want to learn the skills to keep the weight off once I'm at a healthy weight.

My new shoes help up wonderfully to the gym today! I also learned that my gym is going to have Zumba classes too, and for much cheaper than the place I was looking at before. I'm just so nervous! I'm afraid I wont be able to move the right way.

Food was good again today:
1 serving cheesy orzo: 4
1 serving taco soup: 3
1/2 serving chicken salad: 2
1 arnold sandwich thin: 1
2 slices tomato: 0
1 banana: 2
1 serving sweet chili rice crisps: 3
1 serving cheesy orzo: 4
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 yogurt: 2
1/2 cup brown rice: 2
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken: 5
1/2 cup peas: 2
33/38

Going to have some popcorn in a bit which will finish out the last of my daily points. I'm really proud of how the week is going so far!

Day 362

The gym was closed today, and I was baby sitting for a friend while she and her husband took their two older kids to the state fair, so it was alright. I did go out tonight after my husband took the baby home though. It was too late for the track but I managed a brisk walk for about 45 minutes. It isn't much, but it's in the right direction. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have done much better at the gym. New shoes, new blisters. Ow, ow ow! I didn't have them from walking in them until tonight. I thought I had broken them in, but I guess when I really started moving they started breaking me in. So, since I'll be wearing said shoes to whatever workout I manage (the gym, the gym!) tomorrow I was wondering if anyone out there had a really great way to get rid of blisters (they are already broken) or cover them so that they wont be painful? In the past I have tried band aids without much success.

My food was really great today, I'm pretty proud of that.

Today:
1 can chunky tomato soup: 5
1 sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving homemade chicken salad: 4
2 slices tomato: 0
1 sandwich thin: 1
1 serving sweet chili rice crisps: 3
1 serving baked chicken breast (marinated in honey mustard, curry powder, fresh basil and ginger with just a little sriracha): 4
1 serving cheesy orzo: 4
1 cup steamed carrots: 0
26/38

Day 361

Alrighty, so the bright side of being barely able to eat all week? I now get full easier and I had a really good weigh in. I lost 9.6lbs this week (and I am sure that some of it is water being that I was/am probably a bit dehydrated) bringing my total loss to 98lbs and my current weight to 319.8.

I go back to the gym tomorrow (and at least Wednesday and Friday) to hopefully lose just two more by next Sunday.

So my throat is mostly healed. It gets a little sore right after I eat and in the morning it was not great, but for what its worth the only symptom I have left is tiredness. I think getting moving (but taking it a little easy at first) is probably the cure.

Today:
1 baked potato w/cheese: 7
1/2 small chili: 2
1 hot dog w bun: 6
3 oz chicken breast: 3
2 oz (or less) lean steak: 3
1/2 cup grapes: 0
1 cup broccoli: 0
2 slices pineapple: 0
1 cup baby carrots: 0
1/2 cup fruit salad: 2
2 tbsp dip: 2
1/2 bag popcorn: 3
1 tbsp spicy olive oil: 3
2 servings broccoli slaw: 1
1 serving enchilada filling: 4
1 wedge laughing cow cheese: 1
37/38

I bought some champagne grapes today at the produce stand. I think for dinner I am going to make some quick chicken salad and add the grapes in. Hmm... I think I did well at the cook out though. I sampled some of the meat, and I did eat a whole hot dog, but I didn't eat any dessert and my second plate was entirely fruit. You know what? I didn't miss anything. I feel so much better for having stuck to it.

On the road again...

edit: Scratch that. Chicken salad is a great idea for lunch tomorrow. Tonight I had some broccoli slaw sauted in some spicy olive oil with a serving of the leftover enchilada filling and a wedge of laughing cow cheese. Yes.

Day 360

I'm there!

I still have a sore throat (and after pushing myself to go out today my glands and ears were hurting again, but a little tylenol was enough) but I feel pretty good. Swallowing is also still not great, but it is definitely getting better.

I will be going to the gym Monday, if they are open. If not I'll head out to the track. Just to get moving!

Tomorrow I have grocery shopping and a family get-together. I can handle both of those!

Today:
1 grilled chicken sand: 5
w honey bbq: 2
1 cup fruit: 2
1 cup fat free frozen yogurt (plus one for the extra serving since a serving is 1/2 cup): 5
1 cup mac and cheese: 6
1/2 serving taco soup: 2 (whole serving is 3)
22/38

Day 359

I am so very definitely almost there. Almost all of my symptoms are gone, except being exhausted, my ears hurting and everything I swallow tasting like lava. Even that is getting better though. My tonsils have begin to shed the damaged tissue, which is weird. I think that when this is over they are going to be sore for a while. I still can not swallow very well. Today I have eaten 1 serving taco soup (chicken breast, beans, veggies for 3 points) and 1 corn muffin (2) with 1/2 a serving of cheese (1). I feel as though I am well enough to eat food I have to chew now...though not much of it because it still hurts like the dickens. I am feeling better every day and I hope that tomorrow brings me back to some sort of normal. My husband got some free tickets to an antique convention in the city and I'd do anything to get out of the house.

This has not been as wasted week. I did go back to my meeting on Sunday, and I am going back this Sunday too (I'm not contagious even if I still feel bad. I've been on antibiotics since Tuesday.). I've been blogging every single day, and I managed to get shoes that wont hurt my feet after I break them in.

In a way I guess I needed this. Patience is not a virtue I command on a regular basis. I think God/life/the universe is trying to teach me that good things come to those who want them bad enough to take their time and do it right.

Day 358

I think that most of the worst stuff might be over. I had a bit of a fever last night, but it was nothing like when it got up to 103.1. The worse of everything right now is that my throat is so tight and swollen and sore. It hurts from my glands to my ears, and the more I flinch from swallowing the more likely I am to experience a head ache.

I have been eating soft foods (almost no veg, though) and last night my husband brought me a frosty. It made my throat feel better for a time. It's been really frustrating. No one can understand me when I try to talk and the pain is just...ongoing. I feel really frazzled and cabin feverish.

I'm resting, watching The Ghost Whisperer (which makes me cry every single time), drinking lots of tea, gargling salt water and over dosing on throat drops. I'm also taking my penicillin and otc pain meds. I tried a chloraseptic but it just makes my throat burn. No, no no!

The icing on the cake? Slasher week just started!

Actually I am in a good mood, despite the sarcasm. I can not wait to get moving again. I feel like my bones are positively aching for the gym, or any activity at all. I want to be able to chew and swallow real vegetables without feeling like I'm swallowing sand paper. I want to eat anything but mashed potatoes (we are really broke (I bought shoes) until Friday and my brother works at a restaurant that makes really good mashed potatoes. They make soup too, but it has chunks, which are a giant NO for me at the moment.)!

So yes, if anything, I am frustrated. I'll live though!

Edit:
Today: Soup: 6 (I managed to eat the noodles!)

For dinner (and this is tentative since being able to swallow (ish) now doesnt mean I'll be able to swallow later) is going to be taco soup (3 points) and a fat free corn bread muffin (2 points).

Day 357

Same boat as yesterday. My fever made it up to 103.1 last night before I started combining motrin with the tylenol I had already been taking which had not been working. The combination did work.

I had a bit of a fever this morning and swallowing was super horrible. Yesterday for dinner I had mashed potatoes, and I'm pretty sure that's all I'm going to be eating today. My throat is so swollen and tight and sore. When I talk my words do not sound english...

I will update if anything changes!

Day 356

Alright so since we were off to such a great start yesterday I have to tell you a story. A story that really accentuates the feeling of one more thing.

Last night my throat was a little sore, but I assumed it was because I was in the car with the air blowing in my face for a while. This morning I woke up unable to swallow without lots of pain. So, being responsible (and having had strep chronically as a child) I called my doctor who saw me about an hour ago. My rapid strep test came back very quickly as positive, and so far I only have a light fever. She asked how I knew it was strep. Ha! I have done this so very many times. So now I have a script for penicillin, I have Tylenol, chloraseptic, and throat drops. Oh, and orders to gargle 3 times a day with salt water. I would say I'll still be counting points, but I really doubt that I'm going to be able to eat today. So, hows that for one more thing? I also have chills and a slight head ache.

I'm not trying to be a downer, in fact I am trying to have humor about it, but honestly this is really really frustrating.

I will edit this to add anything I eat today...kind of like tracking live.

Today:
1 serving creamy chicken and potatoes: 6
1 serving lemon pudding: 4

Day 355

So remember when a long time ago I said I needed new shoes? I never got around to doing that. I have guilt issues when it comes to spending money and kept putting it off despite the fact that my shoes were killing my feet.

Well today I went to pull them out of the shoe bin (where we put all of our shoes when we take them off) and found that my brothers dog had torn them into enough pieces that I'd have needed duct tape to put them back together. I have to admit, it felt like one more thing. I cried actually with the dog sitting there looking at me like I was nuts and why are you holding my chew toy? Then my husband surprised me with coming home early and took me a a shoe discount store.

I have to say, I was at the same store last year in March, right before my trip to New Orleans. Nothing fit. I hate shopping for shoes because the only things that look good come in either black or white and only in mens sizes. I can find my size quite easily online (11 wide), but then I don't get to try them on, and then the guilt sets in and I never do it. Today though, at the same store I was able to fit the regular size 11's! Yay for weight loss! I actually found 2 pairs of shoes that are not only comfortable, but look good on my feet! The shoes were buy one, get one half off so Chad convinced me that I needed to do it because I would never get another pair on my own otherwise. I got a pair of reeboks and a pair of asics (which I never ever thought I'd be able to wear because they don't come in wide ever!

So by the time we were done the gym was closed, but I wasn't completely off my goals. I took a ride on my moms mountain bike. I still haven't gotten one of my own, but now I'm kind of afraid. I can ride just fine, but her bike was not handling my weight well. Either way it was more of a workout than I expected! Tomorrow, with brand new not clawed or chewed shoes I will be going to the gym. I also found a Zumba place I might be able to commit to going to. It's less than ten minutes from my house with no contract to sign. You pay per class, 5 bucks.

Today:
2 waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1/2 cup peas: 2
1 serving leftover casserole: 6
2 bites ice cream: 2
1/2 bag popcorn: 2
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 sand thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 baked potato: 5
w cheese: 1
1 small chili: 4
1 serving enchiladas: 8
w low fat spicy mayo: 2
w cheese: 2
38/38 + 6/35

Really need to work on my vegetables again, and getting it back under 38 points a day. I need to lose, not maintain!

Day 354

So I bit the bullet and went back to my meetings today. I have in the last month and a half done 7lbs worth of damage.

I knew I was going to gain and it stung a little, but being honest with myself and facing it is going to help.

I'm also going back to the gym tomorrow. Yeah I have said this before, and whats worse? Meant it every time. That is the slippery slope. Honestly though? I'm tired of sitting here wondering about that something I've stopped working so hard for. It was worth working hard for then and I want it even more now that I've come this far.

I'm back. If I have to struggle I will. I have to get there.

Today:
1/2 subway sub: 7
1 serving sun chips: 3
1/4 cup peas: 1
1 serving chicken w sauce (homemade): 6
2 serving green beans: 1
1 serving creamy ranch chicken and potatoes: 6
1 serving whole wheat pasta: 3
27/38

Day 340

I did not update last night because our internet, cable and telephone were turned off because my brother hadn't paid the bill...in 3 or 4 months. So once I finally had it straightened out it was 6 in the morning and I was tired, and still sick. Sorry about that, I have been trying to be more committed here because it helps me.

Let's talk about sick. I guess that I am, but I have a really hard time with it. I'm finding myself frustrated by the barriers that I'm facing. I feel like every time I get my mind in gear, my body decides not now. I'm pretty sure now that I have the stomach flu as I have another friend who is experiencing the same symptoms. I feel fine when I'm not having stomach pain and diarrhea, which comes and goes quite frequently.

I think I will be fine though, and I have been determined to stay on plan. So far so good. One of the things I have been doing is keeping a good amount of fresh fruit in the house. That way when I need to grab something I go for that first.

So honestly I'm not quitting, I will be fine and I wont stop blogging. I'm just really frustrated at myself and the circumstances.

I did not track today (and have been being too lax with that), which I know is bad, but I have eaten on plan. I've been kinda vegetating all day (except for a short trip to fat free frozen yogurt) and drinking a lot of fluids and diet ginger ale. Tomorrow is another weigh in I'm not sure I'm going to. If I go, I will probably have gained weight. Not much, like I said before I gained a few lbs over Otakon week, but since then I have been maintaining...not losing. And now the stomach thing. I can not possibly communicate my frustration here in words. We haven't talked about shame in a while. It's intrinsically connected to weight for some of us, for me too. I feel like "Oh my GOD it's been a whole month and what do I have to show for it? Negative nothing." I feel like a failure. Again.

But I'm not, and I know that. It doesn't help our feelings though does it? I can do this, and it is about choices. I can not choose to not be sick, but I can choose whether or not I track. I can choose whether or not to go to the gym when I am feeling better, or to take a walk or walk my dogs. I can choose to choose to struggle correctly. Instead of always struggling downward, I can struggle in the direction of my goal. I am so tired of waiting for my mind to get into sync with my butt here! It doesn't work that way! I am getting out of this prison come hell or high water and nothing is going to stop me.

Not even me.

Day 338

Sorry this is late!

I have been experiencing something that I usually only get once a month with the slasher for quite a while now. I am either sick with the stomach flu (can you have the stomach flu without a fever or vomiting?), hormone level issues, stress, or my body is still adjusting to eating good foods again. Either way it has meant that I have not been able to stray far from the bathroom. Not pleasant. Though I suppose that if my body is adjusting back or detoxing or something that might be good?

Today:
3/4 cup of rice: 3
w sauce: 3
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving tomato: 0
1 avocado: 6 (I wanted it!)
1 serving light ranch dressing: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
tortilla strips: 2
2 servings wheat pasta: 8
1 serving sauce: 1
1 plum (less than one point!): 1
1 lara bar: 2
1 serving bubble up enchilada casserole: 6
1 ear of corn: 1
1 serving light sour cream: 1
1/2 serving light margarine: 1
1 piece of chocolate: 2
38/38 + 3/22

Day 337

Still here, still going on.

I haven't made it back to the gym yet, despite wanting to. I feel like I am stuck and I don't quite know how to get moving again. I'm not gaining, so don't panic. I'm still on plan. I'm just not doing as well as before and I'm not losing.

I have an appointment to see my obgyn this month and 2 more to recheck my triglycerides. I feel like I'm coming to a cross roads here. I need one more year on birth control. I need it. Emotionally I cant handle this battle and the one that drives me to have kids at the same time. Now this will only be the end of my first year ever (in my life) on birth control, but now I'm wondering if it isn't what is elevating my triglycerides (research).

I'm also dealing with (still) the emotional fallout (all of my own doing) from everyone around me having babies or getting pregnant. It is way to easy to forget that it could happen, and that I am actively preventing now in order to make it more likely later. Its easy to trip and fall into that dark hole. I find myself needing to pull away socially in certain situations. I know, I know. I need to get up and stop crying and run towards my dreams and goals instead of whining about it and letting it get away from me.

What am I doing? I can not tell you how many times in the last few weeks this has been the thought in the front of my mind. I need to kick my own but into gym gear. Into commitment gear. I haven't given up, but dang have I ever let some of the direction go. Here I am looking in the mirror again, but now things have changed and the picture is feeling kind of fuzzy.

I've said it a million times, but don't give up on me. I am determined to lose the rest of my weight, and my burden. I'm not taking my time on purpose. I think that its just life.

Today:
1 homemade burger w cheese no bun: 6
sauted onions and peppers: 1
1 waffle: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 1/2 servings cheddar rice crisps: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 banana: 2
1 cup watermelon: 1
1 cup rice: 4
1 serving sauted green beans with peppers and onions: 1
1 serving crock pot cantonese pork: 7
1/2 serving dinner (pork, greenbeans, and rice): 7
38/38 + 1/23 (used some this week)

Day 333, 334

Day 333 was the family reunion. I did well. I wasn't able to track that day, but I watched what I ate. We were there for lunch and dinner, and the single healthy option available was a veggie tray. Carrots, broccoli and cauliflower. I did alright though. I kept my portions small and I only ate twice. A few hours apart.

Today there was no meeting for me. No because I don't want to know what I weigh, but because I had to be somewhere at 10am, and I have been going all day until now. I had planned to miss this one. I am going to my meeting next week though. Hopefully this past week will be the last of the super busy weeks for a while. I am also returning to the gym this week! It is time.

In any case I haven't gotten more than 7 hours of sleep total in the past 2 days and I'm not up to a long post. My eyes are burning.

Today:
1/2 subway sandwich: 7
1 serving sunchips: 3
3 meatballs: 5
tastes of food (literally tastes) at a Tastefully Simple party: 5
dinner out with Chad (to the best of my knowledge using WW online and calorie king): 15
35/38

Now that being on plan is getting easier I am going back to basics again. I find that the simplicity and repetitive nature of WW really helps refocus my motivation.

Wish me luck. I'm getting back, just a little slowly. I need it to be right and I need it to be long term, not perfect.

Day 332

This is going to be short tonight because I am incredibly tired. I'm trying to readjust back to my old sleeping schedule because while I was working I was working a completely different one. So now I feel like if I closed my eyes I'd drop.

I was pretty good today. I did some walking, and stayed on plan all day again. I was out for the bulk of the day with friends, so lunch and dinner we had out as well. I chose salad! This was hard for me. I actually walked the entire food court at the mall like four times before I made my decision. I was fighting with myself. I was hungry. There was so much temptation. I took my butt back to the salad, soup, and wrap place and got some soup and a (huge, huge, huge) salad. Then for dinner I chose salad again... I only ate 3 times today but I was preoccupied with having a good time so I didn't need the snacks to keep me from binging. I also think I got all of my veggies in too.

Today:
1 serving white chicken chili: 9
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving spicy green beans: 1
1 very large salad for lunch w/ light ranch dressing and grilled chicken: 8
1 cup vegetable soup: 5
1 very large bbq salad: 10
1 piece corn bread: 3
2 pieces chocolate: 2
38/38 + 2/35

Sometimes I think a little mess up can make us incredibly humble.

Day 331

Today was actually quite a good day. I ate on plan all day for the first time in almost 2 weeks. Its a good step in the right direction. Slasher week started Monday, but other than that things are on track. I am feeling a lot better about everything.

I have a family reunion to go to on Saturday. The first one in years for my family. Since my grandfather died I have been feeling very strongly about family. I remember being 17 and feeling like such an outsider. I was the fattest person in my family, and the youngest granddaughter. I felt uncomfortable and ashamed and alone. Today I am looking forward to this reunion. It is the last big thing for this summer, and the first time I have seen many people in my family in over 10 years. In the past 331 days I have committed to saving my own life. I have lost an amazing amount of clothing sizes. I have jogged. I have lost almost 100 pounds. I have also struggled, been setback, gained, lost again, and found new life within myself.

In the past 331 days I lost one of the most influential and important people I have ever loved. I compare myself to my grandfather quite proudly. He was strong, intelligent, and determined. He always thought I was too. I want to live up to that. In the next 331 days I will. I am finding myself looking forward to something that would have scared me in the past, and I am going to win over the food battle that there will definitely be fought there. I said I still had all of the same motivation right? Well then, lets get back to it. I can, and will win this war. I'm dealing with my life and other peoples lives and my feelings and making it work. I know, everyone deals with their lives while also trying to lose weight. This is a personal account though, and I suppose on some level it wouldn't be complete without that part, and I would be lying if I said life was peachy right now.

I know this entry is all over the place! I'm just getting my thoughts out there. I'm trying to hang in there and get back to trotting along where I am supposed to be at the same time.

Getting back on the wagon, again.

Today:
1 coffee w ff cream: 3
1 banana: 2
1 can soup: 3
3 slices cheese: 3
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
2 servings mixed fruit: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving white chicken chili: 9
1 serving doritos: 5
31/38

Day 330

So I know I have been gone long enough to scare some of you, but I have never meant to be away so long. Was I struggling this entire time? Oh yeah, right up until today in fact. However the week that I made that last post was the beginning of a very busy time for me. I know I spoke about Otakon to you guys before and how I run the Art Show there once a year. I've told you all how hard the work there was. Well, this year it wasn't as hard, but I pushed myself harder because of it. My feet were already hurting so badly by Friday night that I could not walk without shoes on! I got there on Wednesday afternoon and left for home on Monday afternoon, and I am finally feeling better today. I am crazy excited that I was able to run around so much more and do so much more of the physical work myself!

Now that is where I have been, but my struggle? It started a while ago. I've been struggling on and off all year now and I'm not sure how to turn it off. I feel like my motivation is just as strong as ever, and I am never going to give up but I seem to have trouble getting my nose back down to the grind stone here. I stopped myself tonight and started questioning myself. Why am I stalling myself? Why am I going out of my way to comfort myself with food when I know even before I do it that I will pay for it emotionally and physically later? I hurt myself and then I hurt myself for hurting myself.

I can't answer these things yet. As far into my journey as I have come and I still can not answer some of the simple why's that everyone else can. This doesn't make me feel shame, but maybe a little bit of fear. I wonder if I will ever get back into the habit without so many slips and falls if I am never able to identify all of the triggers?

We all have these moments...the ones where we question our motives and even our provable progress. I found myself wondering if I even wanted the things I want as bad as I say I do if I cant even stick to this for longer than a week or two without a misstep! But that isn't what this is about is it? It isnt about the roller coaster ride, the size 8, or even the kids I am desperate to have. It is about me winning a battle over control of myself and my destiny. I have a path before me and it's rough. People talk about weight loss in so many ways. Everyone has an opinion about how its done and how hard or easy it is. I think in some ways we decide our own difficulty levels, but I also think that most of us aren't aware of that, and that even if we are we are still capable of catching ourselves unaware.

I'm sure I have set myself back a bit over the last week or two, but I'm not ready to call it quits yet. Like I said before, I wont fail until I decide to. And while I thought long and hard about that this week I know I'm not done yet. Someone commented on my weight loss at con this year and I looked and my husband and I could see just how proud he was of me and then I felt shame. I felt it because I know I can do better than this...and so I will.

Regular updates back tomorrow. Thanks for believing in me guys.

Just a quick note:

To say that I am still here and haven't given up or fallen out of bloggyland. I am having a hard time right now, in more ways than one and this whole week has been full of epic failure. Not that that means the end or anything. If there is one thing I have learned over the past 10 months it is that I will never really fail unless I give up...and I am not. I will be back tomorrow to give you all a full update and to get back on the blog wagon. I need to be blogging every day! I don't care what anyone says, it really really helps me! So please forgive me for my absence and the failures that I plan to tell you about tomorrow night. Don't count me out yet, because who would give up almost 100lbs after less than a week of misbehaving? Not me.

Day 312, 313, 314, 315

So we all know that when I miss more than one or two days posting that I am struggling! Not so bad this time though. I pulled myself together in time. I lost .8lbs this week. Not so stellar. Yes! I know, we count every single ounce. I know, and believe me I am grateful. I just know I could have done better. This week started 0ut rough. I messed up food wise on Sunday after weigh in and then had a bit of cat emergency right at bedtime and then had to get up a little early today which resulted in less sleep. I am not downing myself, but at some point my sleep has to become a priority for me! The cat emergency aside (cat is fine) I never get enough sleep. I end up averaging less than 6 hours a night which means the next day I am dragging myself around by the seat of my pants all day!

I am doing better now, but I had to make the decision to do better this morning when faced with food choices. I was pulled toward the bad stuff but I want to eat the good stuff because it makes me feel better.

Next step? Get my butt back to the gym tomorrow! This is not a negative post! This is me realizing where I've gone wrong and getting myself together!

The second week of the Freedom Challenge ended today:

My goals were:
1. To eat on plan every day from now on, including 7-9 servings of fruits and vegetables every day. I have been struggling with that and it has been holding me back. actually I did really well on this one this past week!

2. Exercise at least 5 days a week, at the gym or at home. I've been getting better at this but I think its important to keep this goal in mind. I was extremely active this week...but we know that it isn't the same thing as working out! I only went to the gym once! Back to self bootcamp!

3. Wake up and get up with my husband. Do not sleep in every day. Another so far so good here. Getting up on time makes it a less stressful day most of the time. Might meed to readjust this goals focus a little. I need to get more sleep and I have not been sleeping well. I was thinking of trying some meditation (don't I keep saying that?) before bed tonight to see if it helps. It's hot and that seems to be all I can focus on.

4. Get my housework done every day (including be up on my laundry) so that that particular stress doesn't keep me from the gym. My house looks really good right now, including my stove I am proud to say. Now I need to tackle my bedroom!

5. Track my food more diligently so that I'm not stuck trying to remember what I ate at night. This continues to be an issue for me. I have been doing really well at this recently, and hopefully that continues. When I track well, I lose more weight! Same as last week!

Today:
1 chicken sandwich: 6
1 cup mixed fruit: 1
a few french fries: 3
1 cup rice: 5
1 veggie burger: 2
2 tbsp light mayo: 2
1 pudding cup: 2
1 1/2 serving pasta: 6
1 serving sauce (many veggies!): 3
1 sand thin: 1
1/2 serving lunch meat: 1
1/2 oz cheese: 1
1 tbsp light ranch: 1
1 slice tomato: 0
1 serving spinach: 0
34/38

Day 311

Today was exhausting! We (being my friends and their kids) went to the local fireman's carnival. We walked for around 4 hours and on the way home I carried the 3 year old (not the whole way) on my shoulders. That kid kicked my butt! I was sweating so hard my shirt was starting to get soaked!

It was a good day and I made really good choices. Here I am at the end of the night having gotten a pretty good work out and I am 4 points under even though I went to a carnival! I didn't ride any rides though about half way through the night I realized I could have ridden a few. That was nice. I am making progress. I will be able to ride rides soon! Comfortably I think... Maybe by 260lbs? I would love to be able to ride with my husband!

Today:
1 (smaller) serving pot roast: 4
1 serving roasted potatoes: 2
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1 tsp olive oil: 1
1 tbso brown sugar: 1
soy sauce: 1
1 serving strawberries (1 1/2 cups): 1
1 yogurt: 2
1 cup water melon: 1
1 hot dog (regular from carnival): 5
w/ bun: 3
1/2 small order french fries: 5
1/2 sub from subway: 5
w/cheese: 1
w/mayo: 1
1 green giant frozen broccoli and cheese for one: 0
Edited to add:
1 lf tortilla: 1
1/2 fresh tomato: 0
1 serving ff cheddar: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
37/38

Day 310

Today was a best friends birthday and as such we went out for dinner and a movie. We went to a Vietnamese restaurant and let me just tell you they have no salad. I went through the whole menu, and no salad at all. Not that their food is terribly heavy, its meat, vegetables and some kind of rice or noodle. That is pretty much the combination one way or the other that makes all of their dishes up. I planned ahead and allotted my points for what I thought I was going to eat, which was incredibly helpful as it kept me mindful throughout the day. We planned on dinner, frozen yogurt and then a movie. At dinner as we were talking about the yogurt place I adjusted according to what was being said about it (I had never been) and decided not to order the bubble tea I usually get. The frozen yogurt was amazing and half of what they sell is low fat or fat free and the toppings they provide are so great! Real, unsweetened fruit, chocolate and caramel chips and cereal. I got strawberries, cherries and blueberries. Less than half a cup combined.

I feel like even though I went over my daily points and into my weeklies that I did really well today. For once I had a strategy. I know myself well enough to know how I am going to act in certain situations and plan for it ahead of time.

The one thing I wanted to ask...Lemon grass chicken...I can not for the life of me find a solid place to get the points from. The best I have found so far is calorie king. I think I need to find my own recipe and see what it takes to create that dish so that I know. If anyone has a good recipe for it I would love it so that I can know more about what I am eating...and because I love eating it!

So far the week has not been great for working out. I went to the gym on Monday, and I walked/jogged some tonight. Another 1/8 mile jog! It is easier at the track though. Here half of my path is at an incline which wipes me out easier, but I am beginning to love the challenge. By next year this time I will be able to run, and I will be able to jog a mile.

Today:
1 ww lf waffle: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1 serving baked salsa chicken: 4
1 cup rice: 5
1 serving broccoli w/ cheese (for one): 0
dinner out: frozen yogurt (calculated by weight): 11
Lemon grass chicken (not eaten all at once): 8
2 cups rice(not eaten all at once): 8
w fruit toppings: 1
1/2 cup movie theatre popcorn (if that): 1
38/38 + 4/34

The thing I really didn't do today? Enough fluids...Tomorrow is going to be better!

Day 309

What was your "last straw"?

I read through a really interesting thread on the Weight Watchers boards tonight. The original poster talked about how she experienced what she thought should be her last straw, but that she had experienced things like that before. She was asking what everyone thought her problem was, and what everyone else considered their "last straw".

I don't think there is anything "wrong" with you if you are experiencing this. In fact, I think it's pretty normal. Yes, we (most of us) eventually come to a place in time, or a moment that sends us over that uncertain edge toward real weight loss and lifelong health, but that doesn't mean we haven't had several wake up calls in the mean time. The fact of the matter is that until we are ready to change and make sacrifices we aren't ready to make it. So you don't like writing down what you eat, you don't like cooking, you don't like going out when it's really hot, you don't like vegetables or you just don't feel like the effort. Then you are currently in waiting. You are waiting for your brain to catch up with your body. Your body already knows that it is suffering, but your brain still thinks of suffering as giving up daily ice cream, or walking to the mail box instead of driving.

When I was in middle school the kids used to make fun of me by stomping on the floor as I walked by. It wasn't enough.

When I was in high school I could not get through gym class, and I once heard one of my classmates tell the boy I had a crush on: "If I ever get that big, promise me you will kill me." It wasn't enough.

After high school I had wake up after wake up. Not being able to walk, not being able to buy clothes. Breaking lawn furniture, my bed. Not being able to fit into a seat on the bus, not being able to wear a seat belt. I was not able to fit in the desk/chair combos at school. It was not enough.

I weighed 384lbs the first time I ever became serious about losing weight, and I lost 45lbs. It wasn't enough. I lost momentum, and my heart wasn't in it. I was not determined and I had no idea what it meant to not quit. At that point in my life I had quit every single thing I had ever started. I felt like perfection was the only mark that made a winner, and I was wrong. It was easier to let the progress go than it was to forgive myself and make the sacrifice.

I weighed over 400lbs when I went to New Orleans and was almost unable to see the things I wanted to because of not being able to walk. It was not enough.

I weighed over 400lbs when I realized that I would never be able to have children like this. I was over 400lbs when I realized that I would never ride a bike again, or a roller coaster. That I would never run, or jog, or walk my dogs. I realized at over 400lbs that I had no future. Everything I had ever dreamed of was gone. Nothing was possible. I made a doctors appointment, and their scale could not weigh me. I had to go to the mall and pay to weigh in on a scale that went up to 500lbs. I got birth control, and while I was waiting for it to be filled I sat mourning the person I never was.

Apparently, that was enough.

I will never ever forget that day. I feel like it has been burned into the deepest part of my brain and all of the newly formed pathways lead me right back to that place. I will never be that girl again, but I will never forget her. She was my "last straw".

You wont make all of the sacrifices all of the time. That's pretty normal. I wont go for a walk in a thunderstorm and you know what? Sometimes I have ice cream, sometimes I even have it every day. All of the things you think you are going to lose, or hate or just wont be able to deal with - they are so superficial! Besides that they are just not true. Worse case scenario: You eat less ice cream, or less fat ice cream. You walk when it isn't raining, and you try your best to forgive yourself so that you can keep going after deciding on eating a whole pint of ice cream, or skipping the gym longer than you should. It never has to be the end unless you decide to give up. I made my decision about a year ago sitting outside the pharmacy at Wal-Mart looking at a girl mourning herself. I wasn't ready for a funeral. How about you?

Today:
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 fiber one yogurt: 0
1/3 serving pot roast: 2
1 serving potato: 3
1 serving carrots: 0
1 green giant just for one frozen broccoli and cheese: 0
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/2 serving lunch meat: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving mustard: 0
1 thick slice tomato: 0
1 cup spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving baked salsa chicken: 4
1 serving mexican rice: 5
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 serving ice cream: 3
1 (swest) egg roll: 6
edited to add:
1 fruit smoothie: 2
38/38 + 1/35 (my points rolled over today)

Day 308

Today has been a rather long day, but for the most part a relaxing one. I woke up exhausted. I slept for 6 hours and woke up so tired that my eyes were burning for sleep. I tried going back to sleep and could not. I think I'm wound up about something. It is so hard for me to let stress go and not turn it into anxiety. It is something I've been working on, but haven't made much progress with. It's a journey right? I'm not currently down or anything, just weirdly overstimulated.

I did go to the gym today and my food was good, so I can count the day as a win right? Then I finished watching Season 1 of Merlin. I am quite officially in love.

We are at the end of the first week of The Freedom Challenge!

My goals were:
1. To eat on plan every day from now on, including 7-9 servings of fruits and vegetables every day. I have been struggling with that and it has been holding me back. I have been kicking but on this one so far. I come pretty close to my goal or meet it every day, even though WW currently says I need only eat 5 servings a day. (9 servings if you were over 350lbs.)

2. Exercise at least 5 days a week, at the gym or at home. I've been getting better at this but I think its important to keep this goal in mind. This one is not yet on point but I gave it effort. Generally I do not (and sometimes can not) exercise at all during slasher week, but I managed this time.

3. Wake up and get up with my husband. Do not sleep in every day. Another so far so good here. Getting up on time makes it a less stressful day most of the time.

4. Get my housework done every day (including be up on my laundry) so that that particular stress doesn't keep me from the gym. Been doing alright on that one. The one thing I have been neglecting is my stove. I need to take it apart and clean the inside.

5. Track my food more diligently so that I'm not stuck trying to remember what I ate at night. This continues to be an issue for me. I have been doing really well at this recently, and hopefully that continues. When I track well, I lose more weight!

I think I have had a good week and good results from the last week so onward parade!

Today:
2 ww lf waffles: 2
1 serving reduced cal syrup: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving craisins: 2
1 serving to die for pot roast: 6
1 serving roasted carrots: 0
1 serving roasted red potatoes: 3
1 can soup: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 plum: 1
1 serving craisins: 2
1 baked potato: 5
w/cheese: 2
1 small chili (Yes, I got my dinner from Wendy's. I've been exhausted all day!): 4
1 ww ice cream: 1
38/38

Recently it has come to my attention that I was not eating enough meat, or protein (this is recent) and that perhaps that also slowed down my weight loss. I kicked up the protein a little and got much better results. Hmm.

Day 305, 306, 307

This is me yesterday at the mall (its a complete mile around on the inside, which makes exercise really awesome!). I wear a size 22 pants now, but the girls (ahem, boobs) keep me from wearing a size 22 top. I'm still in a 26/28 top! That makes it really hard to ever, ever find a dress, not to mention that I have to wear a bra with straps. No ifs, ands, or buts. Otherwise the girls are a spectacle. Well, yesterday we were browsing in dressbarn and I decided to try this dress on. I just knew it wasn't going to fit (it was a 22) but it was so pretty. It fit! Not perfectly, but still, if I had the money and I would wear it more than once before suddenly being a size 20 or 18 then I might have bought it. I have never owned a dress I actually liked. I used to just buy the one (usually there was only one in the store) that fit for whatever occasion I was dressing for. My friend Nadine told me to twist to the side and not do yet another dead on front facing photo.

Weigh in was today and I lost 6.4 pounds in the last two weeks. There was no meeting last Sunday because of the holiday. I think 6.4 pounds is really kick butt! I am now 5.4lbs from 100 lost, and 24.2lbs from weighing under 300.

You guys are getting this post early because I want to hang out with my husband until bedtime with no interruptions. I will come back and update with my food though. I am going to spend some extra points tonight on some special ice cream!

For Retta (Because I loved your post, and your photo. I took this a few days ago and when I saw yours I knew I needed to post it): This is my Lola.

Day 304

I recently sent a picture into Jack Sh*t last night and he posted it! I took several including this one before I found one I was okay with. I would have sent this one but it was so blurry! She wouldn't hold still!

Today was a really good day. I think the slasher is ending and I will definitely be able to go to the gym tomorrow. It's still here but its so light now it should not get in the way.

Also, my food is definitely getting better now, I am getting a lot more veggies in throughout the day and my tracking for the last 4 days has been pretty on point. I did not get a lot of exercise today but my husband and I are going out tonight to walk (and try jogging again) before we settle in to watch a movie (The Crazies. I just joined Netflix and I love it.). I know you all think it is way too late (past 2am here in Baltimore) but Chad and I keep a different schedule because of his job. We are still a few hours from bed at this point.

Instead of karaoke tonight we went to dinner at Pho, a Vietnamese restaurant not too far from here.

Today:
2 ww lf waffles: 2
1 serving reduced fat syrup: 2
1/2 cup strawberries: 0
1 yogurt: 2
1 bag (4 servings) broccoli slaw: 1
2 tbsp teriyake sauce: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1/2 serving lunch meat: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
2 tsp olive oil: 2
1/2 order thai egg rolls: 5
2 cups rice: 8
1 order lemongrass chicken: 12
1 thai tea: 2
1/2 serving hoisin sauce: 1
1 medium coffee w/ skim milk and splenda: 1
1/2 serving chicken and mixed veggies: 2
38/38 + 7/30

I did not eat all of the above at once from the egg rolls down. I took about half of it home and finished it there a few hours later...which is why I didn't add the extra points for extra servings. I also managed around 7 servings of veggies today!

Edit: We did take that walk/jog and we figured out that around my block 8 times is a mile. Now, that includes differing terrain and inclines and I jogged a good bit of what we walked (2 laps). I know that isn't a lot but I'm excited! I can jog! I jogged for what was probably another 8th of a mile tonight.

Also, growing up I used to do sit ups, is anyone else familiar with them? Do they actually help?

Day 303

If you tried to view my blog here earlier and weren't able to its because my Google accounts were hacked and I was temporarily shut down. I can't send an email out for 24 hours because of their safety features. Everything seems to be alright now.

Sorry for whining yesterday, I was in a bit of a mental rut and sinking deeper because of feeling/being unable to exercise. I start feeling guilty and like I'm "falling behind" which is ridiculous because the only person I could possibly be racing against is me...

So tonight I got off of my miserable butt, took another shower and went to the local high school track. I didn't stay too long, as really (all kidding seriously aside) this is slasher week. I did a mile on the track at a very quick pace never stopping once and I jogged for 1/8th of a mile. Yes, I know that doesn't sound like much but it was amazing! A year ago I could hardly walk an 8th of a mile! I could have gone father but my partner was having knee issues and I figured at over 300lbs, it was enough...for tonight. So that made me feel better. I'm going to try some more tomorrow, weather permitting, but not at the local track. I'm not comfortable going by myself and my friends go during what is almost the busiest part of my night. I'll go around here though.

Today:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving diet coke chicken: 3
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1 serving jam: 1
1 low fat wrap: 1
1 serving shredded chicken: 3
1/2 serving ff cheddar: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw (can you tell I love it?): 0
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0
Later (updated):
2 servings chicken: 7
1 sand thin: 1
1 serving mayo: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving ice cream: 3
1/2 bag popcorn: 3
38/38

Will update with everything else as I eat it! Okay, that line makes me laugh...

Also, this recipe for Diet Coke Chicken turned out to be amazing! Try it out!

Day 302

Today has been one of those days that drives me right off of the wagon. The slasher is here with a vengeance...and I've been in a snippy mood all day. I feel pretty surrounded.

I want to go into detail but I am so tired and frustrated right now that I could cry. That I did cry. It isn't always easy loving people so much. Sometimes I wonder if I give too much of myself.

So short post tonight, sorry about that. My food is looking better today though.

Today:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 bag popcorn: 5
1 Very small red potato: 2
1 serving curry: 4
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving lunch meat: 2
1 serving light mayo: 2
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 yogurt: 1
1 serving diet coke chicken: 3
1/2 serving rice: 2
1 cup mixed vegetables: 0
LATER:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving chicken: 3
1 serving mayo: 1
1 serving mixed veg: 0
1/2 serving rice: 2
1 serving curry: 4
1 cup hot chocolate: 4
38/38 + 4/34

Day 300, 301

Sorry about the lack of an update last night guys. The monthly slasher is here, and hitting me pretty hard. I'm sore and tired and I feel...moist...which makes me feel like I need to shower every hour or so. It also gives me some awful cravings sometimes, but I wonder if that isn't just because I'm sort of housebound for quite a bit of my (heavier) periods and I get bored. My plan to combat these things is to keep myself really busy with keeping up my housework and working on getting up to a jog this week at the park. Hopefully by Thursday I'll be able to go to the gym and get my strength training done. Do you think its too high of a goal to want to be able to jog at this point?

In any case I know I need to be celebrating Day 300 but I want to wait and celebrate getting under 300lbs some day soon! I feel like my eating has been out of control since Saturday at the cook out, but thankfully I have a new challenge and some new goals to help keep me on track and motivate me!



My goals for the challenge (it's only a 4 week challenge so I am really going to try and rev it up, too bad it begins on a slasher week!) are:

1. To eat on plan every day from now on, including 7-9 servings of fruits and vegetables every day. I have been struggling with that and it has been holding me back.

2. Exercise at least 5 days a week, at the gym or at home. I've been getting better at this but I think its important to keep this goal in mind.

3. Wake up and get up with my husband. Do not sleep in every day.

4. Get my housework done every day (including be up on my laundry) so that that particular stress doesn't keep me from the gym.

5. Track my food more diligently so that I'm not stuck trying to remember what I ate at night. This continues to be an issue for me.

Today:
2 ww lf waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1 banana: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 can soup: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving reg doritos: 6
1/2 cup rice: 2
1/2 cup peas: 1
1 serving curry: 5
extra (later) serving dinner: 8
1 serving light ice cream: 3
38/38 + 1/35

Also, I didn't skip Sunday weigh in, there just wasn't one and I am trying not to compulsively weigh myself!

I need strength to stick to my convictions right now. I can't look for that outside of myself.

Day 299

Today was a long day in which I ate a little too much, got a little exercise (swimming and walking), and ended up chapped on my upper thighs.

The food...it wasn't the volume of food consumed so much as the fact that there are never ever any healthy options at my family get-togethers. Even the fruit salad has sugar in it!

Not to mention as a side note pertaining to self discovery-I realized today that I eat to avoid conversation sometimes when I am overwhelmed. I am the youngest granddaughter of the youngest sister (we are very matriarchal) in my whole family. Everyone knows me and has always known me. Not to mention I was named after the original matriarch of our family. You would think that that should make me more comfortable, but it doesn't. I feel like sometimes people expect something of me...particularly when I get asked repeatedly throughout the day when I'm going to have kids and how Chad and I should start practicing now. Its all meant in good fun and I take it as such, but I didn't realize how much stress I was getting from it until today when I was scarfing down a regular hot dog. These are not excuses, just a minor epiphany at the cook out today that was strong enough to make me give up my dessert. I am learning new things about myself all of the time these days.

I have a rather large family reunion coming up in August and I have decided to bring a healthy option myself. Usually I get requests for things I personally shouldn't eat, but that everyone else loves. I might still do one of those as I don't have much of an issue eating things that I have cooked a million times, but I am most certainly also doing a healthy dish. My aunt tried though, I just didn't know about it until after I ate it. She cooked some burgers with pineapple (which I love love love on burgers) that were all made from ground turkey. That was a nice surprise.



I am joining Deb's Freedom Challenge on Monday. I need to figure out some manageable goals to go into this challenge with. It is a much shorter challenge but I want to be successful. I need to work on my consistency and my readiness.

I got home late so the post is a little short tonight you guys. I will be back tomorrow with positive reports!

Today:
1 serving taco soup: 7
w corn bread: 3
w 1 serving cheese: 2
1 pudding cup: 1
1 burger no bun: 4
w 1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 slice pineapple: 0
1 serving buffalo chicken dip: 4
1 serving chips: 4
1 regular hot dog: 5
w regular roll: 3
3 oz lean steak: 5
a few bits from a dessert plate: 10
38/38+ 11/22

Day 298

Being active isn't the same thing as working out. I know that. We all know that. I was active today, very active. In fact I just finally sat down in my living room to relax for the first time tonight. I did not go to the gym today. I meant to. Have you ever had a day like that? All is not lost though! I still have the reigns! I accomplished a lot today and it made me feel good, and I didn't sit on my butt all day.

I have another long day tomorrow loaded with pitfalls. A family cook out! I plan to spend most of the day in the swimming pool. My aunt's house is also located in a beautiful neighborhood, I might take a walk/jog while over there. These family things usually last all day long and a walk will take my mind off of all of the food and provide some motivation to get me through the day.

I posted some before and after pictures last night on my side bar (I'm slowly going to clean the side bar up and hopefully make it more useful!) but I want to post these two here as well.

This was me in March of 2009 on a swamp tour of the bayou in Louisiana. At this point in time I did not know I weighed over 400lbs because I hadn't weighed myself in a very long time. I have a very hard time recognizing this person. I remember the pain and how I cried walking back to the hotel from the French Quarter. It wasn't all bad though. I remember feeling brave afterward. I remember being so afraid of getting on the river boat. I was afraid I would rock it hard enough for people to really notice. I didn't though and it ended up being one of my favorite parts of the trip.

This was taken last night because I wanted something to compare it to. It was kind of shocking. Pictures are so revealing even when we can look in the mirror and see the evidence pictures are somehow better. Up until last night when I looked in the mirror I saw the person in the first picture...and now? Now I'm not sure I recognize her. She was miserable. She was looking for ways to make herself feel happy and normal that didn't involve losing weight. She was trying to become a mother. She couldn't have chased after a child, She could hardly tie her shoes. I could hardly tie my shoes. I could not walk. I cried sometimes at night when I thought about whether or not I would be here in the morning. I couldn't shave my legs...because I couldn't reach all of the way around them. I would constantly ask my husband, "How can you love me?" I'm not being dramatic. I wondered because I didn't love me, I had no idea what loving myself would entail. I didn't wonder what was possible...because I knew intrinsically that nothing was. I knew without asking that at the weight I was at, deduced by just how miserable I felt mentally and physically, that I was shortening my life by what could be as much as several decades. I think I actually went through the stages of grief on that one. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then Acceptance. Only when I got to acceptance something happened.

I decided to live, and in the course of this journey have discovered how to love myself, and how to cope. I have discovered what it means to really be alive. That girl on the river boat? She was viewing life through a dirty window. I'm going outside. I can walk several miles at a pretty normal pace, no tears. I'm tying my shoes and shaving my legs because I can reach every single inch of my body. I don't wake up with pain anymore! I don't worry about dying in my sleep anymore and I can't even begin to count the possibilities I have to look forward to.

What are you looking forward to? Non scale goals!

Today:
2 ww lf waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1/2 sandwich from subway: 5
w mayo: 1
w cheese: 1
1 bite of moms hot dog: 1
1 serving baked lays: 3
1 serving taco soup: 3
1 serving corn bread: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 2
1 serving roasted pork chops: 4
1 serving stuffing: 3
1 serving corn on the cob: 2
1/2 bag popcorn: 2
1/2 serving craisins: 1
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 pork chop: 4
1 cup homemade hot chocolate: 4
38/38 + 6/28

Day 297

So remember what I said about taking the reigns? I've got them. I worked out today, though not at the gym... It was a beautiful day here in Baltimore and I couldn't just stay inside!

A lot of the people who have or who read blogs do not have a gym membership like I do. It takes courage to go to the gym and sweat very hard in front of people you don't know. It's also hard to imagine yourself (if you are as big as I am or was) getting onto any of those machines and not breaking them. Trust me though, they will hold you, and they will change the way you feel about working out too. The gym (especially if you are going to add strength training to your routine) is a very valuable asset to the journey.

Now, for those of us not ready there are plenty of other things you can do to get your heart rate up!

This is the park near my house. I decided that since tonight is karaoke night and I had a lot to do at home I would get some cardio in at the park and enjoy some fresh air.

There is a bike trail that winds through a lot of my part of Baltimore and it cuts through the park here, which makes for wonderful walking/jogging/breathing hard.

Despite being in the middle of the city, its actually quite beautiful here, though different from when I was younger.

My grandfather taught me how to ride a bike right in this area here. There used to be fences and swings and monkey bars a jungle gym and concrete paths.

He would sit on a wooden bench here, with his Siamese cat on his shoulder while I played. I really miss him. I did not expect the park to drag out memories that way but they are very good ones. It made me sad, but not in a bad way. It was hard to leave this spot today.

I used to go to the community center here for games and organized sports for kids. It is where my brother won his first trophy. Kids still play basket ball here.

So I walked and jogged (a little, on and off, and it wasn't as bad as last time at all!). Then Before I left I ran up and down these stairs several times before walking home.

I think it was actually a great workout. Refreshing and out of the ordinary. And it definitely got my heart rate up! This is not a pretty picture, its a sweaty one! Though there was a very nice breeze today so it wasn't as bad as at the gym.

I will post my food, but this entry is coming so early a lot of my points aren't used yet. I have karaoke tonight and I wanted to make sure this post was made!

Edited to post food:

Today:
1 chicken sandwich: 5
w/ honey mustard: 1
1 side salad: 1
w/ spicy dressing: 4
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
1 serving taco soup: 7
1 serving corn bread: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
6 hours later:
1/2 serving taco soup: 3
1 serving corn bread: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
38/38

Day 296

So I had a bad night last night. I ended up eating a few things that I shouldn't have out of stress. I guess that would be binging? Right. This morning I was all set to beat myself up over it. You see, this is my pattern of stumbling. I get stressed, I screw up, I get depressed and so on and so forth. This afternoon after a morning of wallowing I decided that I was tired of it. No, I'm not always going to be able to fight it off but when I feel like I have a choice, don't I have to make it? All throughout this journey I've had light bulbs going on all over the place and I feel like this was one of them. One of those moments when another flip switches. One day, one meal, one bad choice did not get me to 417.8 lbs and still wont. It took a series of bad choices, a lifetime of bad days filled with bad meals. I am not the girl I used to be! I got up, off of my pathetic wallowing butt, put on my gym clothes and off I went. I upped the resistance on the elliptical today and went for another hour. It was a lot like the sweat washed away all of the tension and worry of the last few days. I feel better, and when I came out of the gym I made myself a promise: I will get to 100 lbs lost (or as close as is humanly possible, don't think that if I miss the mark a little I am going to kick myself.) in the next two weeks. The thing is, even if I cant, I am going to work at it like I can. I am tired of not feeling in control. To a certain extent yes, our bodies do what they want. But I am able to make choices that influence what my body does. This is me, taking the reigns.

Today:
2 ww waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving doritos: 4
1 serving enchiladas: 7
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving enchiladas: 7
1 1/2 cup strawberries (fresh): 1
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving carrots: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving tortilla strips: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving crasins: 2
3 tbsp light ranch: 3
35/38

Day 295

Today was the day of my physical. I was actually pretty nervous. My experiences with doctors have not all been good. Everything came out pretty well except for two things. My TSH is high (which means my thyroid is low, and my triglycerides are high at 277. All of my other cholesterol levels were very good. My glucose is perfect, my kidneys and liver are great etc. She said I might be a little iron deficient but that because I have such a heavy period that it could be the cause. Also, my blood pressure is great.

She wants to do more blood work in 3 months. She said that the triglycerides could be explained because of my weight loss and my body trying to break down the fat, but it still worries me. When I got home and did a little research I also learned that my particular brand of birth control can also cause a spike in triglycerides. Either way I'm nervous. She said that if it didn't come down we might talk about medication, but honestly I might try going off of the pill first. Hopefully it wont come to either of those things. She wants me to try fish oil and limiting my fat and sugar more. I'm not actually looking forward to that. Yes, that was effectively a groan on my part. I don't want to struggle anymore, it really kills my motivation. I'm not actually saying I will struggle, only that I'm afraid. Not afraid of failing, just of losing my stride again.

I also cant afford my prescriptions (4 new ones for skin issues), plus I need to pay my gynecologist what I owe her in order for me to be able to get more birth control. Argh. It just never ends does it? I am ready for a break now! Maybe I'll buy a lottery ticket.

Can I have a really big awesome plus side? I weighed in at the doctors office (cant avoid that one), and that scale read 325lbs. I'm not counting on it, but it would be nice right?

All in all it was actually a really good appointment and I am relived that I am no where near having diabetes and that all traces of high blood pressure (from when I was a teen) are gone. I am also thankful that everything else is good.

I think I am doing a pretty good job guys.

I think that despite my journeys pit falls I have really been succeeding. I'm not whining but sometimes it really feels like the deck has been kind of stacked against me lately. Oh, and I know there is no deck and that everything isn't actively working against me. Sometimes I just feel that way. We all do I think. It's just time to push it all back and deal rationally. I'm not going to lose track this time. It's my life, and I'm not willing to waste it wondering what if!

I went to the gym today, but since its an in between day for me I decided to do some swimming instead of cardio. I thought it would be relaxing since I tend to get so stressed when I don't need to. It was not relaxing. Somehow the YMCA messed up their schedule and there were too many people trying to use the pool for too many different things. I was kicked in the face by a man who was swimming with his head and torso under water and feet out. I let it go. Then his daughter asked him to stop because he was splashing everyone else in the face. He said: "I don't care, they all deserve to be splashed." I am not joking. I just got out. I had been swimming for 45 minutes so it wasn't the hour and half I wanted, but it was enough and I needed to be near a less stressful group of people.

Today:

2 ww waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
2 cups chopped broccoli: 0
1 cup sliced peppers: 0
1 tbsp teryake sauce: 1
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 serving salsa: 0
1 orange: 1
1 sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving beef and veggie stew: 5
24/38

I will add the rest of my points after I use them!

Retta gave me an award! The I Love Your Blog award!

Here are "The Rules":
1. Thank the person that gave it to you.
2. Write 10 things that you love.
3. Pass this award on to 10 other bloggers.

1. My husband.
2. My cats.
3. My family.
4. My friends.
5. A quiet night at home alone.
6. My dogs.
7. Gummy bears.
8. Raspberry Iced Tea.
9. Singing.
10. Being able to see the stars at night.

Retta broke the rules and so I am too. I am not passing this on to any one person! The ability to share things about yourself belongs to everyone and honestly? I love too many blogs to pick just a few. Take this and share it with your friends too.

Day 294

If you are anything like me then you have been fat for quite a long time. These days you have finally heard the bell, that little pang in your head that finally let the switch flip. These days everything that everyone (not making fun of you) always tried to say to you finally makes sense. The things about your life being better and about "food always" being there. Things that promised you that you wouldn't miss out, and that in fact even before you were done your whole life would change. People would tell us that it would cure and solve everything.

They were...mostly right. My life is so much better. I still weigh over 300lbs and I feel alive for the first time in my memory. One of my middle school teachers once said that there was a difference between "living" and "being alive". Being alive is a very stationary one dimensional sort of thing, and living is constant movement in a world with more dimensions than we can count. Food is still around, but I am developing a relationship with it that will help take care of me for the rest of my life. I don't know why I always felt like being on a diet would mean missing out! I'm finally not missing out! All that time spent worrying about missing out, what was I worried about missing out on? Food. It was my only source of pure enjoyment. These days I still think about food. The battle isn't over. Human beings can't divorce food, so we have to change our perception of it. In the mean time I am learning to get enjoyment from being outside, from walking with my husband, and from accomplishing physical tasks I never thought I'd be capable of. An hour on the elliptical? Me? A year ago I couldn't go more than ten minutes on the treadmill at 1.8 miles per hour holding onto the side bars. Now I enjoy the way I feel when I am sweating. I enjoy the feeling of sweating so hard that I have to shake the drops off of my glasses. That is what living feels like to me now. Not struggling to breathe down the sidewalk to the nearest kitchen to sit down and eat and for the air conditioning to cool away the sweat, the evidence of my hard work. Only back then the evidence of my hard work was embarrassing. I didn't want anyone to see that I broke into a bad sweat just walking 20 feet. I didn't want anyone to know I couldn't do it. I didn't want anything. My whole life is changing, so much so that when I stop to wonder what things will be like after losing the whole 252 lbs I can't. I feel like the outcomes are endless and that I could never imagine anything that will come close to the experience. No, losing weight itself isn't going to fix everything that is wrong with me and my life. Only I can do that. ...But back then when people were trying to talk some sense into me they were onto something. It is within our power to fix the things in our lives that give us grief, but how can we face them as shadows of ourselves? How can we face anything not knowing who we really are or what we are capable of? That is how decisions come to be regretted, and why I was never able to finish anything. I never knew why, but I'm starting to get an inkling.

The gym was good today. Do you ever bargain with the cardio machines? I do. You know what I mean..."Just 5 more minutes and then I will stop." Then you finish that up, but don't stop, "Okay, just to 25 minutes, that's good enough." Then you end up doing 30 anyway. I only really have these conversations with myself when I forget my ipod...which I did today. I still managed an entire hour on the elliptical, plus an hour of weights. I have my physical tomorrow afternoon so right after that I am going to hit the gym to get it out of the way early.

Oh, and I did weigh myself this morning! MY scale said 327.4. Here is the thing: Up until yesterday my scale every Sunday morning (and I checked because I wanted to know) would be almost exactly 2lbs higher than the WW scale. On Sunday morning my scale at home said 329.6...which is what the WW scale said also. It was a different scale (there are 3), one I've never weighed on before. I have weighed in on the same scale since the first weigh in! Yeah I know, crazy...but then I've seen ladies take curlers out of their hair while in the line to be weighed. So now, my attempt to not weigh myself again until at least this coming Sunday, hopefully the one after that at the meeting.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1/2 serving pb: 2
1 serving sun chips: 3
1 serving salsa: 0
1 serving beef and veg stew: 5
1 banana: 2
1 low fat wrap: 1
1 serving dirty rice: 6
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving salsa: 0
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
1 serving mixed greens: 0
1 serving red pepper: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving carrots: 0
1 serving tomato: 0
1/4 cup chic peas: 0
1/2 serving ff ranch: 1
1 italian ice: 3
1 serving light chips: 3
1/4 cup salsa: 0
3oz cheese: 3
38/38 + 6/35

Day 293

Edited to add this photo. Please ignore my messy house! This was taken on Saturday afternoon (or Friday, my days are a little mixed up right now, I'm tired.). The pants in the photo are a size 32. I used to need a 34, but I don't have any of those left so these are apparently going to be my official weigh in pants! Inside these pants is me, wearing a size 22! Sorry the photo quality isnt that great, I cant find my camera so this was taken with my phone.

So I was feeling really discouraged this morning. I weighed in at my meeting and the scale there said I gained 1.4lbs. I have to say that I was shocked this time. I worked my butt off this week. Seriously. My food was lacking, I'll admit, but I didn't go over and I had a surplus of extra points and activity points that I didn't use.

I was really, really discouraged this morning...then I thought about it. My weight has been fluctuating downward slowly over the last few months and that has been putting a cramp in my step, and making me really second guess myself...which is honestly making me crazy. I've never lost this much weight before ever, and so I'm not always sure what to expect next. I'm not sure if this is normal. I will say that despite the numbers not being what I wanted in the last month or so I have dropped from a size 26 to a size 22. Besides that, I kinda have a feeling that the scale was wrong. I don't have a meeting next Sunday because of the holiday but I think after that I'm going to show a nice loss. I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning to get a base weight on my scale and then try very hard not to do it again until the next meeting. I will have faith in the process.

Not all in my life is peachy, its getting complicated again. My motivation is back, and pretty intensely too! I don't want to be all negative here, but sometimes I feel like the bad has to be talked about too in order to cope. So...the bed bugs are not gone as we thought and I know it's just me but they freak me out so badly that I am having trouble sleeping...pretty much at all. That is killing me. I'm so tired sometimes that I'm useless. I need to step up the workouts a little but I'm feeling exhausted at the moment. Never doubt the emotional toll of something like this ever.

These aren't excuses! I don't feel like I need them. I am 88 lbs down, and a size 22, down from a 34. This has been a hard year for me, and for my family but you know... I am persevering.

Today:
1 regular roll: 3
1 serving lunch meat: 2
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving lettuce: 0
1 serving tomato: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving peppers: 0
1 serving sunchips: 3
1/2 serving dirty rice cass.: 6
1 serving light mayo: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 light wrap: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
2 servings salsa: 0
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving ww pasta: 3
1 serving pasta sauce w/veggies: 4
1 yogurt: 2
2 servings beef and vegetable stew: 11
38/38 + 4/31

My points turn over tomorrow. Next week I pull my turnover day back to Sunday so that everything is the same. Weigh in and points reset day.

Day 292

Today was another active one. My husband and I have been out almost all day running errands and then really just enjoying ourselves together. We had lunch out together, and I thought I did pretty well actually, but now I'm not so sure.

I decided on a salad and we decided to split some nachos as an appetizer. I love nachos. (In fact if anyone anywhere has a great low fat or low point idea for nachos please let me know. I'm working on it too.) Then after about half of the (rather large) salad I was full. One half of the salad? 5 points. 1/2 of the nachos? 21. That ladies and gentlemen should be an equation of regret, but it is not. I've been doing pretty well, and still didn't go over my points today. Now I didn't realize that I spent so much on nachos until I got home, and hadn't really eaten much else. I guess that is a benefit of being more active? Okay, well then, deep breath, and get past it. Don't dwell Ruby.

In any case I have my weigh in tomorrow and grocery shopping and I need to finish my list. So far my meal plan (which is ever evolving based on sales and what I have in stock here) looks like this:

1. Szechuan chicken breasts, and steamed broccoli.
2. Chicken curry w/ brown rice and peas
3. Taco soup w corn bread
4. Chicken and stuffing casserole w green beans
5. Chicken mac casserole with green salad.

Hmm. Chicken, chicken, and...chicken. I have a bunch of it stocked, but hopefully will get something different this week. I don't actually have many beef or pork recipes, and fish is something most of my family wont eat.

What are you guys cooking this week?

Today:
1/2 serving leftover dinner: 6
1 ff wrap: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1/2 serving nachos: 21
1/2 asian crunch salad: 5
1 serving sunchips: 3
37/38

I need more veggies!